My Life in D/S

Yellow Car

2011-11-28T15:57:00.000-08:00

CAM: I've recently started reading Kelly Oxford's blog and she can be quite funny at times. She writes in dialogue/script on occasion. Mostly involving her hilarious kids. This past Friday, she shared this little gem, so I thought I'd post it here. All credit to her, I didn't write any of it; I just copy/pasta'd.

KELLY: Ok. You guys, the yellow car that we are going to pass in 3 blocks does not count anymore. It's always parked there and you've called it too many times.

HENRY: *age 8* What?!

KELLY: You've called it too much, you both know it's there. I don't want a screaming match for a 'point' over that car.... I'm hereby determining it NULL. No points for the yellow car coming up.

SAL: *age 10* YELLOW CAR!!

HENRY: Where?

KELLY: SAL I TOLD YOU THIS ONE DOESN'T COUNT!!!

HENRY: YELLOW CAR!!!

KELLY: Henry, Sal just called it and I told you that you can't call that car! It's NULL!

HENRY: She couldn't even call it back there! She couldn't see it!

SAL: Yes I could!

KELLY: Yeah, she could totally see it and this is EXACTLY why I determined the car to be NULL.

HENRY AND SAL: I GET THE POINT!!!

KELLY: *stops the car* Both of you get out and walk home. You both are BACK TO ZERO POINTS IN YOUR YELLOW CAR GAME! Get out, walk.

SAL: Ok.

HENRY AND SAL: *start getting out of the car*

KELLY: GET BACK IN THE CAR RIGHT NOW!!!! *starts driving* If you guys got abducted what would I tell the police?? "Oh, yeah Officer, I kicked them out of the car because of the Yellow Car Game. You know, it was annoying." NO WAY! I am not gonna become the bad guy here, not now, not on my watch!!!!

SAL: You're insane.

HENRY: YELLOW CAR!

SAL: ARRRRGH!!

Off to Grandma's!

2011-08-16T15:24:00.001-07:00

CAM: Juliana, are you ready to go see Gigi?

JULIANA: That does not sound like a great idea.

Fake Apple Store

2011-07-21T12:41:00.000-07:00

CAM: After reading the story about the fake Apple stores in China, my co-worker joked about buying a support contract through them. So I came up with this.

ANDREW: *calls Fake Apple Store*

EMPLOYEE: Herrow, Panda Express. Take order prease!

ANDREW: Hi, is this the Apple Store?

EMPLOYEE: Oh, one moment. *pause* Herrow, Apple Store, take order prease.

ANDREW: Um... hi, we’re looking to renew our support contract with you guys.

EMPLOYEE: Uh huh...

ANDREW: Because our Mac Pros... you know, what was with the Panda Express thing?

EMPLOYEE: No, this no Panda Express. This Apple Store. Take order PREASE!

ANDREW: This doesn’t seem legit.

EMPLOYEE: TAKE ORDER PREASE! PREASE!

ANDREW: I just want to renew our support contract.

EMPLOYEE: You want two item or three item... ack, no, I mean. Apple Support, yes. We have lots of that one.

ANDREW: Oh, great. Okay, we have 14 Macs that we’ll need contracts for.

EMPLOYEE: Uh huh...

ANDREW: Three running ProTools, and the rest have Final Cut Pro.

EMPLOYEE: Okay. You want fried rice or chow mein... ack, no! Finar Cut!

ANDREW: Forget it. I'm going to call the Apple Store in Mongolia.

EMPLOYEE: Wait, wait... you forget fortune cookie!

ANDREW: Yeah, I’m hanging up now. *hangs up*

EMPLOYEE: Gosh darn Mongolians, always making me roose my business!

CAM: Obviously I was inspired by South Park... a little.

The Keeper of the Badges

2010-11-13T21:29:00.000-08:00

CAM: *gets in line with Andrew to get new security badge*

BADGE EMPLOYEE: *looks like he plays WoW a lot... while eating lots of lard-dipped pork rinds*

GUY: Hello. I need a new card.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: May I ask the reason?

GUY: The RAS chip is broken.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Ah, I see. Do you keep it in your wallet?

GUY: Yes.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, that's why. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.

GUY: Oh, okay. I will buy one of those.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Very good. Would you like to use the same picture?

GUY: Yes, please. I actually kind of like that one because I look younger.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Guess how old I am?

GUY: Um... oh, I wouldn't begin to know...

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Just guess.

GUY: I don't know. 35? 37?

BADGE EMPLOYEE: 42.

GUY: Oh, wow!

CAM: *would have guessed 52*

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Yep. The answer to it all, or everything. No. The answer to life, the universe, and all of it.

GUY: Oh, right.

CAM: Wrong.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: From that Hitchiker's Book.

GUY: Yeah.

CAM: So wrong.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: It's actually not a bad little movie. It had Marvin Freeman play the robot.

CAM: *facepalms*

BADGE EMPLOYEE: And the girl who plays Trillian was good. She was that girl in Get Smart.

GUY: Right.

CAM: OMG, idiots.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Alright, there you go. *hands over badge*

GUY: Thank you.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Greetings.

ANDREW: Hello. I need a new badge because my name has rubbed off on this one.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Do you keep it in your wallet?

ANDREW: Sometimes. I usually hang it from my belt.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, it's probably because you put it in your wallet. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.

ANDREW: Alright, I will.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: ...

ANDREW: Well, you're the keeper of the badges, aren't you?

BADGE EMPLOYEE: That's me. The badge master.

ANDREW: *looks back at Cam*

CAM: Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh...

BADGE EMPLOYEE: And there you go. You're new badge.

ANDREW: Thank you.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: You're welcome.

CAM: Hello.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Go Mariners.

CAM: Um... yes. I need a new card.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: I actually like the Seahawks more.

CAM: They're entirely different sports teams. Oh.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: But they're not having a great season.

CAM: Well, at least they're doing better than the Cowboys. *looks back at Andrew*

ANDREW: >=|

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Indeed. May I ask where you keep your badge?

CAM: Well, I used to keep it in my wallet, but ever since I got this awesome badge shield thing, I-...

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, it's probably messed up because you put it in your wallet. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.

CAM: Yep, that's why I got this. *holds up badge shield*

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Hard. Shields.

CAM: 'Kay.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Would you like to use the same picture?

CAM: Yes, please.

BADGE EMPLOYEE: Very well. There you go. *hands over badge*

CAM: Thanks.

Aunt Flo

2010-10-01T06:04:00.000-07:00

CAM: What happens when a girl really does have an Aunt Flo in her family?

GIRLFRIEND: Aunt Flo is visiting.

BOYFRIEND: Oh. =(

GIRLFRIEND: No, seriously. My Aunt Flo is visiting here.

BOYFRIEND: Yeah, I heard you the first time. That sucks.

GIRLFRIEND: I love my Aunt Flo.

BOYFRIEND: Really? I thought you chicks hated having periods. Isn't it inconvenient?

GIRLFRIEND: No, you're still not understanding. I actually have a relative Aunt Flo.

BOYFRIEND: Relatively large Aunt Flo, or relatively small Aunt Flo?

GIRLFRIEND: Well... large, I guess. Are you still thinking that I'm talking about periods?

BOYFRIEND: No. Yes... maybe.

GIRLFRIEND: Well, I'm not. My mom's sister is Flo.

BOYFRIEND: Your aunt is also on her period? Why would you share that information with each other? You barely even talk to your aunt.

GIRLFRIEND: Hence why she is coming to visit here!

BOYFRIEND: So you can talk about her period?

GIRLFRIEND: No, so Aunt Flo can visit!

BOYFRIEND: Whoa! Periods are transferable!? I did not know that. Well, you learn something new everyday.

GIRLFRIEND: No, they aren't transferable! Okay, start over. *speaking slowly* My mom's sister named Aunt Flo is going to visit us here at our house tomorrow.

BOYFRIEND: She's going to bring her and her period to our house!?

GIRLFRIEND: SHE'S NOT...! *sighs and calms down* Yes.

BOYFRIEND: Fine. Wanna have sex?

GIRLFRIEND: No. I'm on my period.

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in D/S

2010-09-11T23:27:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I think Eclipse is the best Twilight movie so far, but that’s not saying much. David Slade did a fine job directing, but that doesn’t save us from Melissa Rosenthaw’s screenplay. Hopefully you’ve read my Twilight and New Moon in D/S’s before embarking on this one. If there are any errors, please comment.

Hello Seattle

RILEY: *walks out of a bar and is surprised to find that it’s raining*

CAM: Ah, stereotypes of our city. That’s right people… it rains that hard every single day. Don’t move here. *as he writes this in cloudless mid-90s weather* Stay away!

RILEY: *is attacked by a flying… Carrot Top?... so he heads toward the ocean because vampires hate the water… oh wait, those are witches* Sh*t.

Edward’s Meadow

BELLA: *studies for her English final with OMG… it’s Edward… OMG!*

EDWARD: Marry me.

ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Okay!

BELLA: Change me.

EDWARD: You’re still in diapers?

BELLA: No, change me into a vampire.

EDWARD: I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.

BELLA: I’ll have to remember that word for my English final.

EDWARD: Are you worried about what people will think?

BELLA: No, I think they’ll quite understand marrying a vampire and then becoming one.

EDWARD: Good, so then marry me.

BELLA: I can’t. I need to be home by 4. *kisses Edward, gets up, turns around, and walks away*

EDWARD: Ah, that shapeless white ass.

Casa de Charlie y Bella

CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* 4 o’clock on the dot. That kid trying to brownnose me now or something?

ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Edward could brownnose me any day!

CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* Your early curfew is set in place to separate you and Edward.

BELLA: Dad!

CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* You can hang out with Jacob as much as you want.

BELLA: Dad, I’m starting to think that you’re an alcoholic.

CHARLIE: You’re a nice lady.

Bella’s Room

BELLA: *calls Jacob*

JACOB’S VOICE MAIL: Hey, this is Jake. Leave a message. And if this is Bella, piss off!

BELLA: *hangs up*

Outside

BELLA: *gets in her car and tries to start it, but it won’t turn over*

EDWARD: *appears*

BELLA: You scared me.

EDWARD: You can’t go to the reservation.

BELLA: How did you know?

EDWARD: Alice.

BELLA: Alice in Wonderland, Alice? Or your sister, Alice?

EDWARD: I don’t know why I even bother sometimes.

BELLA: You’re so dreamy.

Forks High School

JESSICA: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to still be in these movies. I was nominated for an Academy Award for cryin’ out loud!

ERIC: At least you’re the valedictorian in this movie! It was supposed to be me! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

ALICE: I’ve decided to throw a party.

BELLA: Aw, sweet! Your parties are the best, Alice!

ALICE: Really!?

BELLA: No.

ALICE: *is bummed at first, but then looks like she just made diarrhea in her pants*

Forks Police Station

CHARLIE: *is talking to people at his desk*

BELLA: Is Alice sick or something?

EDWARD: No, she saw something.

BELLA: I know you know what she saw. Tell me.

EDWARD: We just spent 20 minutes alone in my car and you’re just now asking me about all this?

BELLA: *folds her arms and taps her foot*

EDWARD: It’s no big deal. Just this plotpoint we’ve been tracking in Seattle where an army of newborn vampires are uncontrollable and have been killing many people. Charlie is talking to the parents of a kid who has been missing there for over a year now. Like I said, it’s not too important.

CHARLIE: Hey.

EDWARD: I guess that’s my cue. Oh, Bella, don’t forget that the airline ticket that we apparently got for you in the last movie expires this weekend, so you should use it soon to visit your mom. It might be the last time you get to see her.

CHARLIE: ??

EDWARD: Before graduation, that is.

CHARLIE: =/

BELLA: Okay, but only if you go with me.

CHARLIE: >=|

Florida, at Renee’s

RENEE: Don’t you just love it here in Florida? We’ve got sun, beautiful colleges, beaches…

BELLA: Yeah, beaches full of BP oil.

RENEE: Are you sure you don’t want to go to college here instead of Alaska? I just want to make sure you are making the right choices for you because you’re the one that’s going to have to live with them.

BELLA: Live with them… *removes sunglasses* without a soul.

CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!

RENEE: I made you this quilt out of old t-shirts for your graduation present.

BELLA: Aw, you shouldn’t have.

RENEE: Oh, it was nothing.

BELLA: No, mom, seriously… you shouldn’t have. I’ll never use this thing.

RENEE: >=|

On the Forest Moon of Endor

THE CULLENS: *gather*

ALICE: She’s on your left!

EMMETT: *chases Victoria through the woods*

THE WHOLE SCENE: *is like the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi, minus the speeder bikes*

STORMTROOPER EMMETT: *gets thrown into a tree*

VICTORIA: *crosses over the river to werewolf country*

EMMETT: *tries to follow but is immediately smacked down into the river by werewolf Paul* Damn, dog! This was a new hoodie!

Forks High Parking Lot

BELLA AND EDWARD: *drive up*

EDWARD: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?

BELLA: It’s the ‘10s, Edward. A woman can do whatever she wants…

JACOB: *is standing near the school in a tight black shirt*

SOME ROCK SONG: *comes on really loud during Jacob’s introduction and mysteriously dies down mid-conversation*

BELLA: …and whoever she wants! Hey, Jakey!

JACOB: I’m just here to warn him that you need to stay off our property.

EDWARD: *under his breath to Jacob* Shut up.

BELLA: What happened?

EDWARD: Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding. It’s nothing.

JACOB: You’re such a liar. Bella is the one that the firecrotch wants.

BELLA: Victoria?

JACOB: Yeah. The one who has been after you for three movies now.

BELLA: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?

JACOB: Phone call? Have you ever actually seen me use a cell phone before? And besides, when I’m in wolf form, where would I put it?

EDWARD: Your butt.

JACOB: What was that!?

EDWARD: Nice butt.

JACOB: That’s what I thought. *turns around to leave on his motorcycle*

BELLA: Wait, I’m going with you. *puts on a helmet (something she could have used in the last movie) and hops on the back of Jacob’s bike*

JACOB: Hold on tight, spider monkey.

EDWARD: Hey, that’s my line!

JACOB AND BELLA: *drive off*

Emily’s House o’ Wolves

QUIL: Hey, Bella! I’m in the gang now.

BELLA: I can see that. You’re shirtless.

JACOB: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter.

BELLA: Oh, cool. And how is your dad doing?

LEAH: He died in the last movie all thanks to you, sl*t. *walks away*

BELLA: Oh, yeah…

JACOB: Don’t worry about her. I’m pretty sure I saw her start her period when I was running behind her in wolf form.

BELLA: Jake, that’s disgusting. Speaking of…

EMILY: Bella! I was wondering when we were going to see your face around here again.

BELLA: And I was wondering when I was going to see your face…

EMILY: …

SAM: …

JACOB: …

BELLA: …

… A.K.A. A Lesson on Imprinting

BELLA: So, when did Leah join the pack?

JACOB: Last book. Her 15 year old brother, Seth, also joined us. Though I wish it was just him and not Leah.

BELLA: Don’t be sexist, sexy.

JACOB: No, I’m just tired of the Leah-Sam-Emily love triangle. Sam left Leah when he met Emily.

BELLA: Well, crushes are like that.

JACOB: It’s more than a crush, Bella. Sam imprinted on Emily.

BELLA: Sounds sexy.

JACOB: No, imprinting is different. It’s like actual love at first sight.

BELLA: Sounds gay.

Back in Bella’s Room

RILEY: *inspects Bella’s dreamcatcher* Huh… no eggs in this nest. *picks up one of Bella’s shirts and sniffs it* Huh… Preparation H. *walks downstairs and finds Charlie sleeping* Huh… I could kiss him like Sleeping Beauty right now.

BELLA: *comes back home*

CHARLIE: Edward should be bringing you home at 4.

BELLA: I was with Jacob, dad.

CHARLIE: Awesome. Did you guys do it?

FRONT DOOR: Knock, knock!

BELLA: *opens*

EDWARD: *in his thickest British accent ever* Do you understand how worried I’ve been!? What’s that smell?

BELLA: Oh, sorry. I farted.

EDWARD: No, something’s wrong.

BELLA: Well, I have been having to use a lot of Preparation H lately.

EDWARD: *runs up to Bella’s room* Someone has been in here.

The Cullen Mansion

CARLISLE: Was it someone we know?

EDWARD: No.

CARLISLE: Someone is orchestrating this.

BELLA: Victoria?

ALICE: No, I would have seen her decide.

EDWARD: The Volturi?

ALICE: I don’t think it’s them either.

ESME: Lady Gaga?

ALICE: He is currently on tour.

EMMETT: James Cameron?

ALICE: I can’t see him unless I put 3D glasses on.

JASPER: Steve Jobs?

ALICE: He’s just trying to play a Flash game on his iPad.

CARLISLE: We’ll set up shifts to guard Bella’s house.

ROSALIE: F*ck.

BELLA: You can’t do it all by yourselves.

EDWARD: What else can we do?

BELLA: Get help.

EDWARD: From who?

Enter McDouche McDoucherson the Douchestick

JACOB: Whoever it was, he left his stink behind. It’ll be hard to miss when we cross it again. We’ll handle it from here.

EDWARD: I’ll handle your face from here!

JACOB: I’ll handle your mom’s face from here!

EDWARD: I’ll handle your mom’s face’s butt from here!

JACOB: I’ll handle…

BELLA: Stop! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?

JACOB: Look, Switzerland. He started it!

At the Exchange

EDWARD AND BELLA: *drive up in Edward’s Volvo and get out*

JACOB: Nice Vulva. Your car is not so bad either.

EDWARD: *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate kiss*

BELLA: Happy hunting. *starts to walk over to Jacob*

JACOB: Hey, average lookin’. *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate hug*

EDWARD: Mine was better.

JACOB: Mine is bigger.

EDWARD: =(

JACOB: Wanna go to a pow-wow?

BELLA: For the last time, Jacob. I’m with Edward.

Pow-wowing with the Quileutes

BLACK: Our ancestors found a feminine looking vampire in the woods one day who had killed some of our tribesmen. We killed him, but surprisingly, he was straight and his girlfriend came to our village for vengeance. She killed the chief’s son and right before she was about to kill the chief, his wife plunged a dagger into herself. She sacrificed her life to distract the vampire. She saved the tribe.

BELLA: Ummm… why did she kill herself? Why couldn’t she have just made a small cut on her arm or something?

ALL OF THE QUILEUTES: *stare*

Back in Seattle

BREE: *shaking and scared* What did you do to me?

RILEY: Now that I have a better look at you, you don’t look over 18.

CHRIS HANSON: Why don’t you have a seat right over here? I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on men who…

RILEY: *attacks Chris Hanson and turns him into a vampire*

THE OTHER NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *start attacking each other*

Back at Cullen Home

TV NEWS REPORTER: Police are baffled by the escalating murders and have no leads despite each victim having two round teeth marks on their necks as if a vampire bit them.

CARLISLE: It’s gotten worse. We’re going to have to do something.

JASPER: It takes more than one of our kind to do this.

EDWARD: Newborns.

BELLA: Little babies are doing this?

JASPER: Newborn vampires. It’s when we’re at our most vicious.

BELLA: Awww… little baby vampires are doing this? They’re probably just hungry!

CARLISLE: Someone is creating an army.

BELLA: An army of little baby vampires? How cute!

CARLISLE: No, like an army of people who have just been turned into vampires.

BELLA: An army of vampires? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous.

JASPER: You do remember the Volturi, don’t you?

Back at Swan Home

CHARLIE: *stares at the Missing Person flier with Riley Biers’ name and picture on it* Mmmm…. Biers.

EDWARD AND BELLA: *are upstairs cuddling in her bed*

BELLA: Why are you so against me becoming like you?

EDWARD: Because you just don’t have the hair for it.

Somewhere Pacific Northwesterny

BELLA: So, Alice has planned a big graduation party, which you are invited to.

JACOB: *gives a look to Bella like, “Are you f*cking serious?” which can sometimes be confused with his “A beef chalupa sounds really good right now” look and his “I have a semi-boner right now” look*

BELLA: Yeah, I figured that.

JACOB: Bella, you need to hear the truth. You need to know that I’m in love with you.

BELLA: I thought you understood. Edward is my man and you’re just my little playmate.

JACOB: *utters the words that every woman wishes they could hear every single solitary day* I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for you. Until your heart stops beating.

CAM: Can you tell that a woman wrote this screenplay?

JACOB: You wouldn’t have to change for me, or say goodbye to anybody. *places Bella’s hand on his boobies* Feel that? That’s flesh, and blood, and warmth.

BELLA: Have you been practicing this in the mirror, Jakey?

JACOB: Maybe.

BELLA: You’re adorable.

JACOB: Adorable this! *leans in and kiss-raeps Bella*

BELLA: *pushes Jacob away and face-punches him, but since he is so strong, it practically breaks her hand* Ouch, that smarts.

Afterwards, Outside Bella’s House

EDWARD: Don’t you ever touch her against her will again!

JACOB: She doesn’t know what she wants!

EDWARD: Let me give you a clue; wait for her to say the words!

JACOB: Fine! And she will!

CHARLIE: Stop fighting over me! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?

EDWARD AND JACOB: *both stare at Charlie for a little bit*

CHARLIE: Just kidding. Not funny? What’s going on?

JACOB: I kissed Bella. And then she punched my face.

CHARLIE: Like in Facepunch? I love that movie.

At the Dr. Cullens’ House

EMMETT: Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?

BELLA: Trying to get more lines in this movie?

EMMETT: ...

ROSALIE: *pouts and steps outside*

BELLA: *follows her* Why do you hate me so much?

ROSALIE: Because I’m supposed to look like the most attractive girl in the whole world and I’m only average looking.

BELLA: I think I’m average looking, too.

ROSALIE: Exactly. Bella, have I ever told you about my backstory?

BELLA: No.

ROSALIE: Well, I was in love with Royce King, the most eligible bachelor until he and his group of friends raped me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle saved me and I took my revenge on each of them.

BELLA: *looks like she’s about to fall asleep… wait a minute… no, nevermind, that’s just how Kristen Stewart always looks*

Back in Lovely Seattle

NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *are killing people*

RILEY: I hate this door! *slams car door on the ground* You newbs need to prepare yourselves for what’s coming!

FOUR OF THE VULTURI: *watch from a rooftop*

DEMETRI: They’ve already drawn too much attention.

FELIX: We should talk to Aro about this.

JANE: *casts crucio on Felix* Aro’s decisions are being watched. We’ll wait. *turns off the pain*

FELIX: Ow! You could have just said so. No need to be a b*tch about it.

RILEY: *thought he might have spotted a talented young actress on top of a building, but there’s no one there*

Graduation

JESSICA: When we were 5, they asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, an Academy Award-nominated actress. When we were 10, they asked again, we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, the actress with the most cred in a successful teen franchise. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? … F*CK YOU, YOU DIRTY F*GGOTS! You’ll never catch me! *pushes over the podium, jumps off stage, and runs out of auditorium*

BELLA: *tries to start an infectious clap, but fails*

ERIC: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Alice’s Graduation Party

JACOB: *shows up*

BELLA: WTH are you doing here!?

JACOB: I wanted to say sorry, and I made you this. *hands Bella a wolf charm bracelet*

BELLA: Ooooh, shiny! I forgive you.

ALICE: *walks down the stairs and suddenly pauses as if she has just made diarrhea under her skirt*

BELLA: Alice, what’s wrong? Do you need to go potty?

ALICE: No. I saw them. The n00bs are coming here. And they’re after Bella.

JACOB: Not my Bella! We will help.

CARLISLE: Very well, but you’ll need training.

Training on Degobah

THE WOLVES: *show up*

CARLISLE: The newbs are stronger than us. Jasper here has experience with them, so he’ll be leading the training.

JASPER: Alright, now see here, ya’ll. We’s gonna get into some fisticuffs with some of dem newborn vampires, alright? Them things right here gonna be tough. Two things ya’ll canines should know now is don’t let them get their arms around ya, and never go for the obvious kill, mm’kay?

BELLA: When did Jasper get the Southern accent?

EDWARD: *thinks about it for a little bit* Yesterday.

THE CULLENS: *fight each other and I’m not sure how effective the training is… all I know is, I wouldn’t mind having Alice pounce on me from a tree.*

POKÉMON ANNOUNCER: It’s super effective!

BELLA: Jasper, how do you know so much about newbies?

JASPER: Listen here, now, for it’s a sad, sad tale. I led an army of newborn vampires back in the Civil War where I was in the Confederate Army and—

BELLA: Wait… you fought for the South!?

JASPER: Hell yeah! This country wasn’t ‘bouts to take away my blacks. So anyway, this girl was basically pawning me the whole time and—

BELLA: Is this going to be just as boring as Rosalie’s backstory? Because if so, I’ve heard enough.

JASPER: Well, shoooooooot.

Back in the Emerald City

VICTORIA: *basically reveals herself to be the ringleader of the newborn army*

Outside Bella’s House

BELLA: I think I should stay with you during the fight.

EDWARD: Okay, but why do you look totally different?

BELLA: New make-up artist. You like?

EDWARD: Wellllll… it is something to distract me from your boring eyes, so… yes.

At the Site Chosen for the Big Battle

JACOB: What’s the plan, homeslice?

EDWARD: You are going to carry Bella so that your odor masks her scent.

BELLA: Can’t I just use some Summer’s Eve—

JASPER: No! That’s exactly what they’ll expect.

The Swan Home

CHARLIE: Alice, you and your fine self are welcome back here anytime to visit ol’ Uncle Charlie. And thanks for the SoBe, but I think I’m going to stick with my Rainier Beer.

BELLA: Wow, my dad really likes you.

ALICE: That’s because I showed him my boobs. Anyway, you’re off the hook for the battle. He thinks you’re having a sleepover with me at our place, but really you and Edward will have the whole house to yourself to… well, you know…

BELLA: …?

ALICE: Come on! You know…

BELLA: …?

ALICE: To do… the thing… with…

BELLA: …?

ALICE: 8=====> O

BELLA: I was never very good at math.

ALICE: Forget it. *leaves*

BELLA: Hey, dad.

CHARLIE: Alice showed me her boobies and I liked them.

BELLA: Do you believe there’s any value in marriage?

CHARLIE: Sh*t! Are you pregnant!?!? You should be using protection when you makes the sex!

BELLA: Okay, dad, like, seriously… stop. Edward is… old school.

CHARLIE: “Old school”? Is that like a code for in the butt or something?

BELLA: Okay, dad! Stop! I’m a virgin, okay!? *goes up to her room*

CHARLIE: Yeah, you better be a butt virgin, too, or I’ll go all old school on Edward!

At the Cullen Home… Alone… With Eddie

BELLA: I want to ask you something.

EDWARD: Anything.

BELLA: Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?

EDWARD: Yes.

BELLA: Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition.

EDWARD: Anything you want, it’s yours.

BELLA: You promise?

EDWARD: Yeah…

BELLA: Okay. *grabs Edward’s peepee*

EDWARD: Except that! That’s my no-no spot!

BELLA: Seriously? You’re like a girl.

EDWARD: I want to be married first. It’s my only rule. So… would you do me the honor of marrying me? *gives Bella his mother’s ring*

BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!

EDWARD: I’ll take that as a yes.

Under the Seattle Monorail, Which is Actually a Busy Spot

RILEY: You’re not coming with us.

VICTORIA: It’ll be a last minute decision. I told you how this works.

RILEY: The Cullens… have… powers.

VICTORIA: Yes, that’s what I told you earlier, R-Tard.

Out in the Woods

BELLA: *purposely cuts her finger and rubs blood on trees and plants to confuse the army* This means we’re friends forever now, tree.

EDWARD: You’re going overboard. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the ring I just gave you?

BELLA: I don’t want to risk losing it.

EDWARD: …or risk Jacob seeing it.

JACOB: Risk me seeing what?

BELLA: My vagina!

JACOB: Um…

BELLA: I mean, nothing. Pshhh. *runs fingers through hair*

EDWARD: I’ll see you later. *kisses Bella on the forehead and leaves*

JACOB: Something up?

BELLA: *looks around* Umm… yeah. Vampires are after me.

JACOB: No, I know. I mean anything other than that.

BELLA: Well, I do think you’re going to look like James Carville when you grow up.

At a Nearby Coast

THE ARMY: *walks along the sea floor and can apparently hold their breath for a long time*

EDWARD: *stands on the highest peak of the coastline and waits for someone to acknowledge his exceptional tent-building skills*

JACOB AND BELLA: *arrive*

BELLA: Hey, nice tent.

EDWARD: Oh, this old thing? *smirk*

Hours Later, as it Snows Like Balls

BELLA: S-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o… c-c-c-c-c-c-c-o-l-d.

EDWARD: What can I do?

CAM: Well, for starters, you could have not built a tent on the top of Mount Everest.

JACOB: I can slip in there and warm her up.

EDWARD: I haven’t even slipped in there yet!

JACOB: I was talking about her sleeping bag.

EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.

JACOB: *gets into the sleeping bag with Bella* You know, Bella. You would warm up faster if you were naked.

EDWARD: Don’t do it, Bella. It’s a trick.

BELLA: *falls asleep… or does she?*

EDWARD: You know, if it wasn’t for you being a wolf and all, I might have actually been gay for you.

JACOB: Likewise.

The Next Morning

BELLA: Last night must have been hard for you.

EDWARD: Meh, I was only semi-hard. I can wait until we get married.

JACOB: *suddenly shows up* You’re marrying him!?

BELLA: No! Jake, stay!

JACOB: You think I’m some kind of dog or something? Wait… don’t answer that.

BELLA: I don’t want to lose you.

JACOB: That’s not good enough. You’re going to have to do better than that.

BELLA: Jacob! Poop in my mouth!

JACOB: What!?

BELLA: I’m asking you… poop… in my mouth.

JACOB: O.O

BELLA: What? That’s what wolves do, right?

JACOB: No. Never. I have no idea where you might have heard such a thing.

BELLA: Oh. Well then, kiss me!

JACOB AND BELLA: *kiss passionately*

JACOB: That should have been our first kiss.

BELLA: …

JACOB: Is it too late to reconsider the poop thing now?

BELLA: Yes.

JACOB: Damn. Okay, I’ll be back. *leaves*

BELLA: Did you see what happened?

EDWARD: No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud. He was thinking something like “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she’s kissing me right now. This is amazing. I could really go for some Outback Steakhouse after this. The Bloomin’ Onion sounds really good. I can never finish the whole thing by myself though. Maybe Bella would want to go. Oh no wait, she can’t eat onions around her stupid boyfriend. Or is that garlic? Does garlic affect him? Note to self: bring garlic next time I see Edward. Are we still kissing? This is really nice. I wonder if I should ask if it’s too late to poop in her mouth.”

BELLA: A Bloomin’ Onion does sound really good right now.

EDWARD: You love him.

BELLA: I love you more.

EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.

SETH: *appears in wolf form and sends thoughts to Edward*

EDWARD: The fight is starting.

The Aforementioned Fight

THE CULLENS AND WEREWOLVES: *kick some ass*

Back at the Campsite

EDWARD: Victoria’s close! I can hear her thoughts. She caught my scent. I shouldn’t have had leftover Mexican for breakfast.

BELLA: I thought you don’t kill people.

EDWARD: Mexicans are not human beings, Bella. They are animals.

CARLOS RODRIGUEZ: F*ck this sh*t, Cam! I’m not reading this anymore!

EDWARD: She knew you would be with me. She’s not alone.

RILEY: *appears*

EDWARD: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you as her b*tch. She knows I’ll kill you like a b*tch. In fact, she’ll be glad she doesn’t have to deal with her b*tch anymore.

VICTORIA: Don’t listen, b*tc-… I mean, Riley. I told you about their Jedi mind-tricks.

EDWARD: I can read her mind. She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about, b*tch.

RILEY: *raises eyebrow*

EDWARD: Her words.

VICTORIA: There’s just you.

EDWARD: Think about it. You’re from Forks. No one likes people from Forks. They’re smelly, they listen to music that was popular two years ago, and they overprice their Twilight souvenirs.

BELLA: You know, Edward, I was born in Forks.

EDWARD: Shhh. Riley, she chose you because you know the area. She doesn’t love you.

RILEY: You’re dead. *starts to attack Edward, but is then attacked by Seth*

VICTORIA: *starts to run away*

EDWARD: You won’t get another chance like this again!

VICTORIA: *stops*

EDWARD: You want her! Not in a lesbo way, but you want her! You want me to feel the pain that you felt when I killed James! When I tore him limb from limb! When I hung his head above my fireplace. When I deep fried his biceps and ate them for dinner. When I flossed my teeth with his ponytail. When I turned him into dust.

VICTORIA: *gets so angry that she attacks Edward*

EDWARD: *throws Victoria into a tree* I hate this tree! *knocks the tree down*

TWILIGHT ENVIRONMENTALIST FAN: I’m going to allow this.

VICTORIA: *falls and gets pinned by Edward*

RILEY: *pushes Edward off of her*

VICTORIA: *puts Edward in a headlock*

BELLA: *cuts her arm… yes, just like in that Quileute story*

VICTORIA AND RILEY: *are super distracted*

EDWARD: *punches Riley off*

RILEY: *gets bitten and dragged away by Seth*

VICTORIA: *gets bitten on the neck by Edward so deep and hard that it separates her head from her shoulders and she dies*

EDWARD: Good thinking on cutting your own arm to distract them?

BELLA: Distract them? No, Edward, I’m a cutter. I cut my arms because I love the pain.

EDWARD: LOL, I love you. Come on, Alice needs us to go. *lights his Hello Kitty Zippo and tosses it on Victoria’s dead body*

VICTORIA’S DEAD BODY: *immediately ignites as if she was doused in gasoline*

EDWARD: I guess you could say that this firecrotch… *puts sunglasses on* … is on fire.

CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!

Back at the Fight Location

ALICE: *is standing there*

BELLA: Oh, Alice, did you have another accident?

ALICE: What!? No… maybe. Some of the Volturi are coming.

EDWARD: How long?

ALICE: Felix is about 5 inches, Demetri is maybe 6 and a half…

EDWARD: No. How long until they get here?

ALICE: A few minutes.

ONE LAST VAMPIRE: *comes out and crushes Jacob’s bones, but is then killed by the rest of the pack*

BELLA: Jacob!

CARLISLE: The bones on the right half of his body are shattered.

SAM: We’ll take him back to Billy’s.

THE WOLFPACK: *pick up Jacob’s naked body and carry him off*

JASPER: Gay.

ALICE: The Volturi are here!

ALEC: Looks like we missed the party.

EDWARD: We know how you guys like to be fashionably late.

JANE: Looks like you missed one.

ESME: Please don’t kill her! I want a new baby!

JANE: The Volturi don’t give second chances. Felix, kill her.

FELIX: *kills her*

JANE: And so ends The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.

CAM: That advertising is not free, Stephanie Meyer.

JANE: Caius would be interested to know that you are still human, Bella.

BELLA: Wow. Dakota Fanning talked to me.

JANE: I am most certainly not Dakota Fanning! I am Jane.

BELLA: Haha. Me, Jane. You, Tarzan. I love acting!

JANE: I can’t stand this. We’re leaving.

BELLA: Wait, wait! Let’s have Emmett play Kerchak!

JANE: *walks away*

BELLA: I loved working with you in The Runaways!

JANE: I liked working with you, too… wait a minute! No! Goodbye!

On the Reservation

BELLA: *drives up* Hey. How’s he doing?

JACOB: *screams in pain from inside the house*

BILLY: Peachy.

CARLISLE: *comes out of the house* He’s going to be all right.

BILLY: Thank you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?

CARLISLE: Let us feed on humans again?

BILLY: Not a chance.

CARLISLE: K, bai!

In Jake’s Bedroom

BELLA: Hey Jake. You look tired. Or dead.

JACOB: Thanks. So, was Edward mad at you for kissing me?

BELLA: No. He was actually really cool with it. Almost encouraging.

JACOB: Damn. You should just be with me. I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.

BELLA: I can’t even chew gum and breathe at the same time, Jacob.

JACOB: You mean chew gum and walk.

BELLA: No, I mean chew gum and breathe. Can’t do it. Charlie hides all of the Doublemint in the pantry ever since I turned purple that one time.

JACOB: I need some time to think.

BELLA: Okay. *leaves*

JACOB: Now… how am I gonna jack off in this sling?

The Meadow of Gayness

EDWARD: August 13th?

BELLA: Yeah. It’s a month before my birthday. It’s also the anniversary of when Michael Phelps set the Olympic record for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I think he’s cute.

EDWARD: I just don’t know why you’re doing this.

BELLA: *stands up and gets really serious* This wasn’t a choice between you and Ja-…

EDWARD: Is this speech going to be long?

BELLA: Maybe.

EDWARD: Here’s your ring.

BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!

Fin.

It's Exactly What it Looks Like

2010-08-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

CAM: *is in his pajamas at home curled up on the couch watching Project Runway*

BETHANY: *arrives home*

CAM: *freezes* Um... it's not what it looks like.

BETHANY: Really? Because it looks like you are home by yourself watching Project Runway.

CAM: Hmm... yeah, that's pretty accurate.

"I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch."

2010-06-02T12:15:00.000-07:00

CAM: *calls Bethany*

BETHANY: *answers* Hello?

CAM: Hey.

BETHANY: Hey.

CAM: What are you doing?

BETHANY: Oh, Heather and I are driving around trying to find this floral shop.

CAM: Oh.

BETHANY: What do you want for dinner tonight?

CAM: Something yummy.

BETHANY: Oh, can I make this garlic chicken thing I saw in a magazine?

CAM: Sure. Sounds good.

BETHANY: What should I make for a side dish?

CAM: I dunno.

BETHANY: I'll make some rice.

CAM: 'kay.

BETHANY: Oh, the floral shop is near the liquor store!

CAM: Oooh, buy me some scotch.

BETHANY: I'm not buying you scotch.

CAM: Why not?

BETHANY: Because!

CAM: ...

BETHANY: You'll have, like, two sips and then won't drink it anymore!

CAM: No, I won't!

BETHANY: Yes, you will!

CAM: But I want scotch!

BETHANY: No. I have to go. Bye.

CAM: Scotch!

BETHANY: I love you. Bye.

CAM: Scotch!

BETHANY: Bye. *hangs up*

CAM: *calls back*

BETHANY: Okay... technically, I didn't hang up on you. I said "Bye", like, three times.

CAM: ...

BETHANY: ...

CAM: Scotch!

BETHANY: I can't talk! I'm at the florist! Bye. *hangs up*

CAM: ...

Hot or Cold?

2010-05-04T09:00:00.000-07:00

JULIANA: Dada?

CAM: Yes, honey?

JULIANA: Are you cold?

CAM: No, honey. I'm not cold. Are you cold?

JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?

CAM: Yeah.

JULIANA: Are you hot?

CAM: No, I'm not hot either. Are you hot?

JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?

CAM: Yes, dear?

JULIANA: Are you cold?

CAM: No, I'm not cold. I'm just right. I'm comfortable.

JULIANA: Ohhhhh.

CAM: How about you? Are you comfortable?

JULIANA: Comafotrable.

CAM: Good.

JULIANA: ...

CAM: ...

JULIANA: Dada?

CAM: Yes, sweety?

JULIANA: I'm cold.

Volcano Blame

2010-04-17T10:59:00.000-07:00

CAM: From now on, I'm using the volcano in Iceland as an excuse for all my mistakes. For example...

BETHANY: Cam, how come you haven't taken the garbage out yet?

CAM: The Iceland volcano.

BETHANY: The Iceland volcano!? We're not even in Iceland.

CAM: I know, but all that ash being spewed out has decreased my ability to take out the garbage.

BETHANY: How so?

CAM: The visibility is awful out there.

BETHANY: *looks out the window* It looks fine outside, Cameron. I have no idea what you're talking about.

CAM: *looks out the window with Bethany* See? I can't see the garbage dumpster from here.

BETHANY: That's because this window does not face the garbage dumpster.

CAM: Well, there you go. Another problem the Iceland volcano has caused.

BETHANY: You're being ridiculous.

CAM: You're the one being ridiculous! Do you know how bad it would be if the ash got in my lungs?

BETHANY: You're not making any sense. And look! This garbage is so full that it's spilling over.

CAM: Spilling over... like a volcano?

BETHANY: Cameron, the volcano is thousands of miles away. How can it be affecting us?

CAM: Because the planes can't fly.

BETHANY: Now, what does that have to do with taking out the garbage? And I'm pretty sure planes around our area are flying just fine.

CAM: Nope.

AIRPLANE: *flies by overhead*

BETHANY: Take out the garbage, Cameron.

CAM: Okay.

New Moon Pictures

2010-04-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

CAM: The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S has been quite successful, despite having no comments (come on, people!). Decided to make some funny captioned pictures for added enjoyability to go with it.

The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S

2010-03-18T12:31:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: It only seems appropriate that I do a D/S for New Moon since I did one for Twilight. Enjoyed it a lot more than the first movie, but it was a little slow. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial

BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*

Edward’s Meadow

BELLA: Grandma?

OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.

BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*

EDWARD: I’d still do you.

Bella’s Bedroom

BELLA: *wakes up from dream*

CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?

BELLA: Who doesn’t?

CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?

BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.

CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.

Over the Airwaves

RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.

Forks High School Parking Lot

MIKE: Hi, Bella.

EDWARD: *arrives*

MIKE: Bye, Bella.

EDWARD: Happy birthday.

BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!

EDWARD: I’m 109.

BELLA: Gross.

EDWARD: I’d still do me.

BELLA: …

EDWARD: Speaking of gay…

JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*

BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!

School Hallway

ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!

ALICE: happy birthday.

BELLA: Thanks.

ALICE: Here’s your gift.

BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.

English Class

TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*

EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.

BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.

EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.

BELLA: Why are you telling me this?

EDWARD: Not sure.

The Cullen House

CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!

BELLA: Thaaaanks.

ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.

BELLA: Thanks.

ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.

EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…

BELLA: Hey! Don’t…

EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.

BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.

EMMETT: …

ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.

ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*

BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.

JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*

EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*

CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*

BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*

ALICE: I gtg.

CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.

Carlisle’s Office

CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.

BELLA: Why are you telling me this?

CARLISLE: Not sure.

Bella’s Truck

BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.

EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.

BELLA: Kiss me.

THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*

EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.

Back at School

EDWARD: *does not show up*

BELLA: =*(

Bella’s House

EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.

BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.

EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.

BELLA: =\

The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)

EDWARD: We’re leaving.

BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?

EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.

BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!

EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.

BELLA: You’re joking.

EDWARD: *is gone*

BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*

KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!

Back at Charlie’s House

CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?

HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.

CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?

HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.

CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.

SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*

CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.

The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie

BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*

CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*

Outside One Day

CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.

BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.

CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.

BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.

CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.

BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.

Los Port Angeles

JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.

CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*

BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*

GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.

BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?

BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?

The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On

BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*

GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.

BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*

Back at the Biker Bar

JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?

BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.

JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.

BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.

Enter Jacob

BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.

JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.

QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.

CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*

JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.

EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.

QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*

BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.

EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.

BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.

Bella’s Bedroom

BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*

CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.

Somewhere in La Push

BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!

JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.

BELLA: Rush?

JACOB: Yeah.

BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫

JACOB: …

BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫

JACOB: Um… Bel-

BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫

JACOB: Bella, we should really be-

BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫

JACOB: You-

BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫

CAM: *has officially lost some readers*

The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner

JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?

BELLA: Helmet?

JACOB: No. Go!

BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*

JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*

JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*

School Days

ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.

ERIC: I don’ berieve.

ANGELA: It was black and huge!

ERIC: That’s what she said.

BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.

MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?

BELLA: Yeah, sure.

MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.

BELLA: …

ERIC: …

JESSICA: …

ANGELA: …

MIKE: Wait... what!?

BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!

MIKE: SWEET!

BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!

MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.

While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched

MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.

JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.

MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*

JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.

BELLA: Poor guy.

JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.

HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*

JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?

BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.

JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.

BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*

MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.

JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.

MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…

BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.

JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.

BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.

MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.

JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.

CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.

Bella’s House

BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*

Jacob’s Place

BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?

JACOB: Bella…

BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?

JACOB: Bella…

BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?

JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.

BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.

JACOB: Go away.

BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*

JACOB: You lied to me!

BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.

JACOB: …

BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*

JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.

BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.

CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.

BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.

At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle

MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*

LAURENT: Hey, Bella.

BELLA: F*ck.

LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?

BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.

LAURENT: …

BELLA: Just you wait.

LAURENT: …

BELLA: Any minute now.

LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.

HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*

Swan Residence

BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!

CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*

BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!

HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?

BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.

HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?

CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!

HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.

Up in Bella’s Bedroom

BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*

JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*

BELLA: Whoa.

JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?

BELLA: No.

JACOB: Okay. *leaves*

CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.

The Black Residence

BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?

BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!

BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.

JACOB: *is asleep*

BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?

PAUL: What did he tell you?

BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…

PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?

BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*

PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.

SAM: Paul! Calm down!

PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*

BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*

JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!

BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!

JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*

BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.

JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*

SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.

Emily’s

QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.

BELLA: Why would I stare?

EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*

BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!

QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*

BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!

EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.

BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*

SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.

La Push, Baby!

BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.

JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.

BELLA: You killed all those people.

JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.

BELLA: You can’t.

JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.

BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.

JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.

BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?

JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.

BELLA: Me. She’s after me.

JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?

BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.

JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.

The Coolest Sequence in the Movie

HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*

VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*

HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*

CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*

THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*

BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock and ~~unconsciously~~ consciously drowns*

JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.

BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.

In the Truck

JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.

BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.

JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?

BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.

JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*

BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*

JACOB: *closes door*

BELLA: No means no, Jacob.

JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.

BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*

In Her House

BELLA: Alice!

ALICE: Are you stupid or something?

BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?

ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?

BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.

ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫

BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!

ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.

BELLA: Oh…

ALICE: …

BELLA: …

ALICE: What’s that smell?

BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*

ALICE: It smells like wet dog.

BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.

ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.

JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!

ALICE: Victoria has been here?

BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.

ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*

JACOB: Is he here?

BELLA: No.

JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.

BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*

TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*

JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.

ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!

BELLA: But I’m not dead.

ALICE: Right.

BELLA: But he thinks I am.

ALICE: Uh huh.

BELLA: So, he wants to die.

ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.

BELLA: So that means…

ALICE: …

BELLA: …that means…

ALICE: …

JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…

ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.

BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…

In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice

BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.

At the Volturi’s Temple

EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?

ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.

EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.

ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*

EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.

ARO: Oh. Pity.

Back in the Ferrari

BELLA: Where did you get this car?

ALICE: I lifted it.

BELLA: Lifted it to where?

ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.

BELLA: So, we can go back home?

ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.

BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!

ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.

BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?

ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.

BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?

Volterra Town Square

BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*

EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*

BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!

EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫

BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.

EDWARD: You’re alive.

BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?

EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>

BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?

EDWARD: Yeah… <.<

FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*

DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.

EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!

ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?

JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!

EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.

BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!

JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.

BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!

JANE: No, I’m a scary…

BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!

JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!

BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.

The Volturi Temple

ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.

BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?

EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.

ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*

EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!

ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?

BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*

ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.

EDWARD: No!

JANE: Painful acting.

EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*

ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.

JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*

BELLA: …

JANE: …

BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?

JANE: Grrrrrrr!

ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.

EDWARD: Tell me about it.

ARO: Felix, kill them all.

EDWARD: What!? Why!?

ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.

FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*

ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*

BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!

ARO: Very well.

ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.

ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.

BELLA: What? Just like that?

ARO: Yep.

BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?

ARO: Uh huh.

BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?

ARO: Pretty much, yeah.

BELLA: Mother f…

Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA

CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?

BELLA: Maybe.

CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.

BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?

CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*

EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.

BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?

EDWARD: …

BELLA: Right?

EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.

BELLA: But, Alice saw…

EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.

BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.

EDWARD: *shakes his head*

BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*

The Next Day at the Cullen House

BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?

ALICE: Aye.

JASPER: Aye.

ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.

CARLISLE: You’re welcome.

EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*

PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.

EMMETT: =X

ESME: Aye.

CARLISLE: Aye.

EDWARD: B*tches.

Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva

BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.

EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*

JACOB: *scowls*

EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.

In the Woods

JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.

EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.

JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.

BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.

JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!

BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.

EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.

JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*

BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.

JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*

BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.

EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Marry me.

BELLA: *anime gasp*

FIN.

How many wives?

2010-01-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

CAM: I overheard an interesting conversation on the Microsoft shuttle today while on the way to the transit center.

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #1: Hello.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: Ah, hello, Stefan.

STEFAN: *nods at another passenger* Hello.

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Hello.

STEFAN: Wonderful weather we are having today.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: Gorgeous.

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Beautiful.

STEFAN: ...

ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...

ISLAMIC PASSENGER: ...

CAM: ...

RADIO: *plays Kenny G*

ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many wives you have, Stefan?

STEFAN: ...

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Well...?

STEFAN: It is secret.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many?

STEFAN: How many I have today?

ISLAMIC DRIVER: No, all the time.

STEFAN: This is private.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: I have three wives. Sometimes five.

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: I have two wife. Sometimes one.

EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: You know, in my country, you can marry more than one wife.

STEFAN: Mmm...

RADIO: *changes to Bob James*

ISLAMIC DRIVER: Stefan, you are going directly to transit center?

STEFAN: Yes.

ISLAMIC DRIVER: I drive straight into building and drop you off.

STEFAN: H'okay.

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Don't run over his wife.

STEFAN AND ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol

ISLAMIC DRIVER: *runs over speed bump* Oh! Was that her?

EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.

CAM: ...

ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: ...

STEFAN: ...

RADIO: *still playing Bob James*

SHUTTLE: *arrives at transit center*

ISLAMIC DRIVER: Everyone have nice day.

STEFAN: You, too! Thank you. *gets off shuttle*

ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Thank you. See you. *gets off shuttle*

CAM: Thank you. Say hello to your wives. *gets off shuttle*

ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol, k.

Lying

2009-11-24T10:46:00.001-08:00

CAM: Juliana, did you go poo-poo?

JULIANA: No.

CAM: Are you lying?

JULIANA: Yes. Lying.

Me No Pause: The Return

2009-11-18T06:53:00.000-08:00

CAM: While waiting in line for the bus this morning...

OLDER WOMAN: How are you doing this morning?

YOUNGER WOMAN: Good. I'm freezing though.

OLDER WOMAN: Get menopause!

YOUNGER WOMAN: Excuse me?

OLDER WOMAN: Seriously! Get menopause. You won't have any of those types of problems anymore.

YOUNGER WOMAN: *is just as shocked and embarrassed as everyone else*

OLDER WOMAN: The other day, I was on the bus and the male driver turned around and asked the passengers how the temperature was on the bus. It was hot as Hell; I was sweating. And this male passenger next to me has the nerve to reply back, "We're comfortable." I was like, "You're not the one going through menopause right now!" He didn't quite know what to say to that.

YOUNGER WOMAN: *and neither does she*

Me No Pause

2009-10-20T06:54:00.002-07:00

CAM: Had this happen on the bus about five minutes ago.

OLDER WOMAN: *steps on bus* Wow, it's hot in here.

BUS DRIVER: *giggle*

YOUNGER WOMAN: I love it. I was freezing standing outside.

OLDER WOMAN: You're obviously not at menopause yet.

CAM: *backs away slowly as if she has a highly contagious disease*

Mac vs. PC

2009-06-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

CAM: I like Macs, but I'm still a bigger PC fan. I enjoy the advertising from both Microsoft and Apple. Microsoft's commercials are much more intelligent, but Apple's are much more creative. Quite reflective of the Operating Systems themselves. Apple's claims can be misleading (Macs crash too... trust me, I fix them on a daily basis), but it's how they talk about usability that ultimately earns them more points. Watching one of the most recent ads, I decided to write my own that I think truly hits both companies' weaknesses.

MAC: Hello, I'm a Mac.

PC: And I'm a PC.

MEGAN: And I'm a Megan.

PC: I brought a whole range of PCs for Megan to pick from. What do you need Megan?

MEGAN: I need a computer that can be supported by English speaking over-the-phone support technicians that I can actually understand.

FIVE PCS: *walk away*

PC: Okay, and what else do you need?

MEGAN: Well, I need a computer that works well with my creative and artistic lifestyle.

TWO PCS: *walk away*

PC: And next?

MEGAN: Last, I need a computer that doesn't come bloated with tons of useless manufacturer software.

THE REST OF THE PCS: *walk away*

PC: Well, she's all yours Mac. *walks away*

MAC: Great, I'm glad we cleared that all up. Now, Megan, tell me what you need.

MEGAN: I need a computer that costs under $600.

MAC: *walks away*

Twilight D/S

2009-01-12T05:38:00.001-08:00

Disclaimer: Twilight was a meh movie. It was fun to see images in my head come to life, but I thought the movie quality was terrible. It should be pretty easy to make fun of it. I saw that Cleo recently wrote a m15m on this and refused to read it so I wouldn’t steal any jokes. So, any similarities are purely coincidental. I still think she’s hilarious. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Twilight Error."

Forest Moon of Endor

NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.

Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona

NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.

RENEE: I love you.

PHIL: *says something douchey*

On the Way to Forks

NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.

CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*

NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.

CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.

BELLA: ...

THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*

At the Swan Residence

CHARLIE: Here’s your room.

BELLA: Yep.

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...

CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.

BELLA: You already...

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...

THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*

CHARLIE: Do you like purple?

BELLA: Who doesn’t?

CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.

Outside the House

CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.

BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!

CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*

JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.

BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.

CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*

CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?

BELLA: It’s ugly.

CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.

BELLA: I love it.

JACOB: I love you.

BELLA: What was that?

JACOB: Nothing.

Forks High

BELLA: *drives up*

TYLER: Nice ride.

BELLA: Nice earring... fag.

ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.

BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?

ERIC: England.

BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.

ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.

BELLA: Is this all you do?

Gym Class

BELLA: *spikes volleyball*

VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*

MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...

BELLA: *looks average*

MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?

BELLA: I’m Bella.

JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.

BELLA: lol, k.

Lunch

ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.

MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!

TYLER: No! She’s mine!

ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.

BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?

ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.

BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.

ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*

BELLA: Who are they?

JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.

ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*

JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.

EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*

BELLA: *drools*

JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.

Biology

MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.

MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.

EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*

BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*

Main Office

EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.

ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.

EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.

BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*

Carver Café

WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?

CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.

WAYLON: To fish?

CHARLIE: Sure.

In Bella’s Room

BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*

RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.

OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.

BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?

RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?

BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.

School Day #2

NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.

EMMETT: *motosurfs*

EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*

TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.

School Day #3

NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.

WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*

School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.

ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*

EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*

Some Mill

SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*

Outside the Swan Residence

CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.

BELLA: Animal?

CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.

Another Day, Another Biology Class

ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?

BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*

EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.

BELLA: I’m yours.

Hallway

EDWARD: Why did you move here?

BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.

EDWARD: *eyes change color*

BELLA: What’s with your eyes?

EDWARD: *glides out the door*

School Parking Lot

EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*

TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*

EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*

BELLA: *is amazed*

ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*

I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital

CHARLIE: Are you okay!?

BELLA: Fine, dad.

CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*

BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*

CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.

BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?

EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Bella’s Bedroom

EDWARD: *stalks Bella*

BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*

School Parking Lot

MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?

BELLA: *watches Edward*

MIKE: Bella?

BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?

MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.

BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.

EDWARD: Score.

MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!

Greenhouse

ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?

EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?

BELLA: Um... a zoo.

EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.

BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.

JESSICA: *p-blocks*

EDWARD: *runs away*

JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!

BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.

JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.

Outside the Greenhouse

EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.

BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.

ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?

EDWARD: No, this bus is full.

BELLA: D*ck.

The Swan House

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...

Cafeteria

THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*

EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!

ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?

BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*

JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.

BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*

MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.

BELLA: *gets it*

ERIC: La Push is la push.

BELLA: *is confused again*

EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*

BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*

EDWARD: Let’s be friends.

BELLA: Are you on your period or something?

EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.

BELLA: Let’s la push.

EDWARD: I can’t.

BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*

La Push, baby!

ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.

BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.

ANGELA: I am?

BELLA: Yeah.

JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?

ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!

JACOB: Hello.

BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.

JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.

SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!

Closer to the Tide

BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?

JACOB: You caught that, huh?

BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.

JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.

Some Boat Docks

WAYLON: *sings*

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*

MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*

WAYLON: I saw her first!

MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...

WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.

MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*

WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!

In Bella’s Room

BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*

On a Sunny Day Back at School

BELLA: *looks around for Edward*

JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.

ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".

BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.

JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.

CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!

BELLA: I can go, too?

Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store

ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*

SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*

At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)

BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*

Parking Lot of Raep Time

BELLA: *walks*

TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*

BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*

A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*

BELLA: Don’t touch me.

ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*

EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*

ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*

EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.

Driving Away in Edward’s ~~Vulva~~ Volvo

EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*

BELLA: So... hi.

EDWARD: Distract me.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.

BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.

EDWARD: On?

The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House

EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.

ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.

BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*

WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?

EDWARD: No, thank you.

BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?

EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.

BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.

EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.

BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.

EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.

BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*

EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.

Back in Edward’s Car

BELLA: Is it hot in here?

EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*

BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!

EDWARD: Hey, look over there!

Over There = Police Station

EDWARD: My father is here.

CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.

BELLA: How?

CARLISLE: Aminals.

BELLA: Animals?

EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.

CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*

BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?

CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.

In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom

BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*

Back at the School of Slow Motion

BELLA: *shifty-eyes*

EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*

The Woods

BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...

EDWARD: *crows*

BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.

CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*

EDWARD: Are you afraid?

BELLA: No.

EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.

BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*

EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*

BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*

EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*

BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?

EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.

BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*

EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*

TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?

EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.

CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*

EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.

BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*

EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.

BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.

EDWARD: *touches some boob*

In the Fields of Naboo

EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*

CAMERA: *does another 360*

EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*

BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.

NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.

CAM: NO! Really!?

NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.

STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*

NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.

The Next Day at School

EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*

BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.

EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.

Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny

BELLA: How did you become a vampire?

EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.

FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*

BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.

EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.

FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*

BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?

EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.

BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?

EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.

Outside the Swan Home

EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.

ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*

BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?

EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.

BELLA: Do me now.

EDWARD: Gotta go...

BELLA: WTF!?

EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*

BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*

BELLA: You can drive?

BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.

JACOB: *rolls eyes*

BELLA: *rolls eyes*

CAM: *rolls eyes*

BILLY: *rolls wheels*

The Overly Modern Cullen Household

BELLA: This place is really nice.

EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.

ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.

BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?

ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.

BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.

ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*

ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.

ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.

EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...

ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?

EMMETT: ...

BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.

JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.

JASPER: *looks awkward*

BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?

A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom

BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.

EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.

BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.

EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.

BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?

CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*

THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*

Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?

STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*

BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.

CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?

WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?

CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.

SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!

CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.

Out... In Bella’s Bedroom

RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*

BELLA: I like Forks now.

RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?

BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*

EDWARD: *appears*

BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?

EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.

BELLA: *falls asleep*

EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*

In the Swan House

CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*

BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.

CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*

EDWARD: Hello, sir.

CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*

BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*

CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.

EDWARD: Good one, sir.

BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.

In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol

BELLA: Vampires like baseball?

EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.

ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.

BELLA: You’re out!

ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!

ALICE: *throws like a girl*

EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*

EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*

EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*

JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*

VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*

ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*

‘80S RIFF: *plays*

LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.

JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*

ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*

CARLISLE: The girl is with us.

LAURENT: Then we shall leave.

CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.

Out of There

BELLA: But they said they were leaving.

EDWARD: James is a tracker.

BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.

EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.

BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".

EDWARD: ...

At Charlie’s House

EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!

BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!

CHARLIE: What happened?

BELLA: I’m going home!

CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!

BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!

CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?

BELLA: *slams bedroom door*

EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?

BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.

Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck

EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.

BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.

EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*

At the Cullen Mansion

LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.

ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.

EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.

ROSALIE: What? No thongs?

EDWARD: *shakes head*

ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.

BELLA: I’m so scared.

EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.

In the Woods

ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*

JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*

Hotel Room in Phoenix

ALICE: James has changed course.

JASPER: Where is he headed?

ALICE: *draws some mirrors*

BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

ALICE: *draws some arches*

BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

ALICE: *draws some railings*

BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

JASPER AND ALICE: ...

A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason

BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*

BELLA: Hey, mom.

RENEE: Bella, where are you?

BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.

JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.

BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!

JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.

BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.

Ballet Studio

RENEE: Bella!

BELLA: MOM!

RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*

BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?

JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.

BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!

JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

BELLA: You bastard!

JAMES: Now act scared!

KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*

JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*

BELLA: Ouch, babababa.

JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*

BELLA: I want a donut!

CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.

EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*

JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*

EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.

JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*

EDWARD: No! You jerk!

JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*

EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?

BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.

JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*

BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*

EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*

THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*

CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?

EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?

CARLISLE: Watch Alice.

ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*

EDWARD: Yikes.

BELLA: *continues to orgasm*

CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.

EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*

BELLA: *is on #5 now*

CARLISLE: Alright, stop.

EDWARD: *continues*

CARLISLE: Stop.

EDWARD: *continues*

CARLISLE: STOP!

Cut to Hosmopital

BELLA: *wakes up*

RENEE: Bella?

BELLA: Am I dead?

RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.

BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?

RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...

BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!

RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.

BELLA: Where’s James?

EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.

BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.

EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*

Charlie Swan’s House

CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?

BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!

CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?

Outside of Prom

EDWARD: BRB.

BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.

JACOB: *appears out of the woods*

BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?

JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.

EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!

JACOB: Whatever, douche.

Prom

BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!

EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.

BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?

BELLA: Yes!

EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?

VICTORIA: You guys both will.

Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas

BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?

FIN.

LOST - Pilot Part 2 in D/S

2008-11-12T05:05:00.000-08:00

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. I’ve already written a D/S for Part 1 of the Pilot episode, so I figured I should do one for Part 2. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but if I receive enough comments, I might be motivated to do more. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

Welcome Back to the Jungle

CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?

JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?

CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.

KATE: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".

KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.

Previously on Oceanic Flight 815

CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?

CHARLIE: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.

CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to use ~~the bathroom~~ drugs*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!

CHARLIE: Just a minute!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!

CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*

PLANE: *shakes*

CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.

The Beach (Not the Leo One)

BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.

SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?

BOONE: *walks away*

CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?

SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.

CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.

SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.

CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.

SHANNON: Boy or girl?

CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.

SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*

Tide Pools

MICHAEL: WALT!?

SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]

MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!

WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.

Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)

SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!

SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.

SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*

KATE: This is hot.

SHANNON: This is hot.

HURLEY: I’m hungry.

SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!

KATE: We found a transceiver.

SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.

HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?

SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.

HURLEY: Let’s be friends.

Later at the Beach

KATE: *takes a sexy bath*

SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]

KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?

SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.

Over by Jack

KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?

JACK: He’s still pulling through.

KATE: I’m going on a hike.

JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?

KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.

JACK: lol, k.

Same Beach, Different Scene

JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*

HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.

WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*

FORESHADOW: What have we here?

MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?

WALT: No.

MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?

WALT: ...

MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.

JACK: Hey, fatty.

HURLEY: ?

JACK: Help me find drugs.

CHARLIE: You can’t have them!

JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*

Over By the Incest Twins

BOONE: What’s wrong?

SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.

BOONE: What’s that?

SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.

BOONE: You’re so dumb.

SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.

BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.

SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.

KATE: No kids allowed.

SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.

KATE: You’re hired.

CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.

KATE: You’re hired, too.

The Island Knife Store

MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?

JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?

MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.

JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?

MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.

JACK: A lab?

MICHAEL: Yes!

JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.

MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?

JACK: I was sort of saving lives.

LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*

WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?

LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?

WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*

JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*

CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.

CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*

CLAIRE: It’s a boy!

JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]

In a Clearing in the Jungle

SAWYER: Try the radio now.

SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]

SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*

EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*

SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*

BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?

CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?

BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?

CHARLIE: Touché.

Island General Hospital

JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?

HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.

JACK: How do you like your steaks?

HURLEY: Rare.

JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.

HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.

Back with the Exploring Group

KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?

SAWYER: Probably bear village.

CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.

KATE: Where did you get the gun from?

SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.

SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?

EVERYONE ELSE: ...

SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.

SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.

SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*

KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*

SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.

Flashback to Kate’s Ways

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?

KATE: No, thanks.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?

MARSHAL: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?

MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*

MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.

KATE: Nice?

MARSHAL: White.

KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?

PLANE: *splits apart*

KATE: Nevermind!

Jack at Marshal’s

MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?

JACK: A name would help.

Groupies

SAYID: *turns on transceiver*

SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.

SAYID: We’ve got one bar!

BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.

SAYID: I’m getting feedback.

CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?

SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.

KATE: Can we listen to it?

SAYID: Let me find the frequency.

TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.

CHARLIE: The French are coming!

BOONE: That’s what that smell is.

KATE: What is it saying?

BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.

SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."

SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.

BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...

FIN.

Back to the Future D/S

2008-10-06T05:09:00.001-07:00

Disclaimer: Back to the Future is a movie that I remember watching as a young boy. Along with other classics like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, BTTF holds a very special place in my movie history. I think it’s very creative and incredibly well-written and directed. I mostly used the DVD and the script from IMSDb to create this. Sorry for all the poop jokes. If I get enough positive comments, I’ll do the sequels... eventually. Thanks to my wife, Bethany, for helping with editing and encouragement. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

Somewhere in Space

THE OLD UNIVERSAL LOGO: *appears*

THE AUDIENCE: The Earth looks so old!

ROBERT ZEMECKIS: That’s because they wouldn’t let me soak it in water first.

Some Garage with a Buncha Stuff

TON O’ CLOCKS: *appear*

THE AUDIENCE: I wonder what this movie is about?

TON O’ CLOCKS: *tick*

THE AUDIENCE: I wonder...

TON O’ CLOCKS: *tock*

THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha! This movie is about time!

A LONG SERIES OF CONTRAPTIONS: *starts*

RADIO: *turns on*

RADIO ANNOUNCER: That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to have your mind blown away by this movie. It will make you think about the ‘80s. It will make you wonder about time travel. It may even make you think about your hot momma when she was younger.

FREUD: Told you.

TV: *turns on*

TV NEWS ANCHOR: Some plutonium may have been stolen.

DOOR: *opens*

SOME BOY: Doc?

SKATEBOARD: *runs into plutonium*

SOME BOY: *turns amp knobs*

LOAD HUMMING: *ensues*

SOME BOY: *plays a guitar note*

GINORMOUS SPEAKER: I KEEL YOU!

SOME BOY: *flies back and is somehow not deaf now*

THE AUDIENCE: Holy cow! I didn’t know Tom Cruise was in this movie!?

SOME BOY: *takes off sunglasses*

THE AUDIENCE: Oh. It’s just Michael Gay Fox.

TELEPHONE: Answer me.

SOME BOY: Hello?

CALLER: Marty is that you?

MARTY: Doc?

CAM: Good, now I can use their names.

DOC: Good thing you just so happened to be at my own house when I called.

MARTY: Where are you?

DOC: Meet me at 1:15 at the mall.

MARTY: 1:15 in the morning? I’m not supposed to meet with old scary men that late.

DOC: Just do it. And bring the camcorder with you.

MARTY: Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel any safer.

TON O’ CLOCKS: *all go off*

DOC: Are those my clocks I hear?

MARTY: Werd.

DOC: Great! They’re all 25 minutes late!

MARTY: Hold up, hold up. It’s really 8:25?

DOC: Yes.

MARTY: *runs off camera*

PHONE: *remains in air a few seconds and then falls*

Outside on the Way to School

‘80’S MUSIC: *plays*

MARTY: *skateboards to '80s music while holding onto the back of various vehicles*

EVERY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WATCHING: Cool! I’m going to try that.

Hill Valley High School

MARTY: Yo, Jennifer.

JENNIFER: Don’t go this way, the principal is on the hunt for you.

MARTY: It’s not my fault this time. The Doc put all his clocks 25 minutes slow.

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You’re still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly?

MARTY: Yeah, man. He’s cool people.

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: ...

JENNIFER: ...

MARTY: Just give me my tardy slip.

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: McFly, Dr. Brown is a total nut. You stick around him and you’ll turn into one too.

MARTY: Sweet. I love cashews.

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You act just as dumb as your father when he went here.

MARTY: May I please be excused?

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: I heard your band is going to audition for the school dance. You don’t have a chance because you carry your father’s genes. No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.

MARTY: Yeah, well, history is going to change.

FORESHADOWING: At its most obvious.

School Gymnasium

JUDGE: Next!

MARTY: My band is called "The Pinheads".

JUDGE: Next!

MARTY: WTF!?

Hill Valley Town Square

ELECTION VAN: Re-elect Mayor Wilson! Foreshadow, foreshadow, foreshadow!

MARTY: Can you believe that?

JENNIFER: What? A black politician?

MARTY: No! The whole band thing! We’ll never get a chance to play in front of anybody.

JENNIFER: You tried once. It’s not the end of the world. Did you know some of the people that audition on American Idol have had to do it up to three times before they were let through?

MARTY: I just don’t think I’m good at mus... wait. What’s American Idol?

JENNIFER: You’ll find out... in the future.

NICE TRUCK: *drives by*

MARTY: WHAT!?!?

JENNIFER: Haha, I knew I’d get your attentio...

MARTY: No, no, no! I mean, WHAT an awesome 4 x 4! Some day I’m going to own that. That’s hot.

PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.

MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*

CLOCK LADY: Save the clock tower!

MARTY: Dude, I was just about to get some.

CLOCK LADY: Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower, and the clock hasn’t run since.

MARTY: Okay, fine! Here’s a quarter.

CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime.

MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*

JENNIFER’S DAD: *honks horn*

JENNIFER: Crap, I gotta go.

MARTY: What does a guy have to do to get laid around here?

El McFly Casa

BIFF: I can’t believe you would give me a car with a blind spot. I could’ve been killed.

GEORGE: Biff, all cars have blind spots. Hi, Marty.

BIFF: Are you blind, McFly? Did you see your car out there?

GEORGE: I’m sure your insurance will cover it.

BIFF: It’s your car, you’re paying for it. And where are those TPS reports I asked you for?

GEORGE: Uh, I haven’t finished those yet.

BIFF: *plays knock-knock with George’s head*

GEORGE: Who’s... there?

BIFF: Those look like comfortable shoes.

GEORGE: *looks down*

BIFF: *smacks George in the nose*

GEORGE: LOL.

MARTY: OMG.

BIFF: What are you looking at, butthead?

MARTY: Obviously not much.

BIFF: *leaves*

MARTY: Dude, dad. The car is totaled. I was going to get laid tomorrow night in that thing.

GEORGE: Excuse me?

MARTY: ORANGES! I was... going to... go pick out... some oranges... tomorrow night... in that thing.

MARTY’S SISTER: Jennifer called for you twice.

LORRAINE: Marty, I don’t like that. When I was your age, I never chased any boys, or sat in a parked car with a boy.

FORESHADOWING: Can I be more painfully obvious?

MARTY’S SISTER: How am I supposed to meet a boy then?

LORRAINE: It’ll just happen. Like how I met your father.

MARTY’S SISTER: Grandpa just hit him with the car.

LORRAINE: It happens. And we went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together. It was the night of that big thunder storm. He kissed me for the first time at that dance. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.

FORESHADOWING: Okay, if you’re not getting this by now, you’re dumb.

Marty’s Bedroom

MARTY: *sleeps*

PHONE: *rings*

MARTY: Hel-lo?

DOC: You didn’t fall asleep, did you?

MARTY: I don’t want to go to school today, mom.

DOC: Good. Do me a favor and bring my video camera.

MARTY: You’re a very nice lady.

Twin Pines Mall

MARTY: Einstein! Where’s Doc?

EINSTEIN: Damn, dawg! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Shooooot. You tryin’ to scare a brotha?

DOC’S TRUCK: *farts*

MARTY: WTF?

EINSTEIN: I’m getting the hell outta here.

DOC’S TRUCK: *poops out a DeLorean*

DELOREAN: *poops out a Doc*

MARTY: Doc!

DOC: Marty, you made it. Say hello to my latest experiment.

MARTY: I hate to bust your balls, Doc, but the DeLorean has already been invented.

DOC: Just roll the camera.

MARTY: *starts filming*

DOC: Einstein, get in the car.

EINSTEIN: Oh, hell naw.

DOC: *buckles in Einstein*

EINSTEIN: Why couldn’t my owner have been Snoop Dogg?

DOC: Note that both of our watches display the same exact time.

MARTY: Chiggidy-check.

DOC: *closes door, grabs remote control, and starts driving the DeLorean*

MARTY: Sweet.

DOC: When this car hits 88 miles per hour, prepare to poop your pants.

MARTY: You didn’t say anything about bringing diapers on the phone.

DOC: *puts the pedal to the metal... so to speak*

DELOREAN: *flashes and disappears*

MARTY: *poops his pants*

DOC: OMG, yes! It worked!

MARTY: You killed Einstein, you bastard!

DOC: No, he’s fine.

MARTY: Then where is he!?

DOC: More like, when is he.

MARTY: Okay, when is he?

DOC: Don’t use bad grammar around me boy.

MARTY: But, you just...

DOC: I sent Einstein one minute into the future! He’s become the first time traveler!

MARTY: Wait… the DeLorean is a time machine? No wonder they weigh so much.

DOC: No, Marty. I turned the DeLorean into a time machine. The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

MARTY: This coming from a man who wears Hawaiian shirts underneath his lab coat.

DOC’S WATCH: *beeps*

DOC: Look out!

TIME DELOREAN: *appears... steamy*

DOC AND MARTY: *walk up to it*

TIME DELOREAN: *farts*

DOC: *opens car door*

EINSTEIN: You mother f*cker.

DOC: Einstein, you’re all right! Marty, come here and let me show you how to work this time machine just in case some terrorists decide to appear all of a sudden.

FORESHADOWING: Wait, he doesn’t say that! You’ve seen this before!

DOC: Turn the time circuits on, here’s where you are, where you’re going, where you were, and input on this keypad. Got it?

MARTY: Amazingly, yes... I understand completely.

DOC: Here’s an example, you can go to November 5th, 1955.

MARTY: Why would I want to go there?

DOC: That’s the day I thought up time travel. I was taking a really big dump after some spicy red curry and I hit my head on the sink when I bent down to get some TP. There was sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was my sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in my mouth. Even sh*t on my sh*t. So, I thought of this flux capacitor.

MARTY: I don’t see how those correlate, but okay.

DOC: This is what makes time travel possible. It’s been about 30 years since that day. Things have changed. This mall used to be all farm land. That Radio Shack over there used to be a liquor store.

MARTY: Does this thing just run on gasoline?

DOC: No, plutonium.

MARTY: Uhhh... exsqueeze me?

DOC: I have to use plutonium. Otherwise the plot points wouldn’t show up and chase us.

MARTY: What plot points?

PLOT POINTS: *arrive*

DOC: Those plot points! Run, Marty!

LIBYANS: *start with the shoosting*

DOC: My give up.

SOME LIBYAN: *shoots Doc*

MARTY: Oh my God, you killed Doc. You bastard!

SOME LIBYAN: Muhammad Jihad!

MARTY: *Supermans into DeLorean*

SOME LIBYAN: Durka, durka!

MARTY: *drives away*

LIBYANS: *chase Marty in their shaggin’ wagon*

MARTY: *pushes things he shouldn’t touch*

LIBYANS: *pass by a JCPenny and remind themselves to take a look at their perfume selection after they finish killing the young American boy*

MARTY: *time travels*

That Farm Land Doc was Talking About

MARTY: *crashes car into a barn*

SOME FAMILY: *wakes up and goes out to the barn to check out the loud sound*

THE MOM: Hey man, check out that thing, yo.

THE DAD: Let’s launch over it.

THE SON: It’s aliens!

MARTY: *gets out of car in radioactive suit*

SOME FAMILY: ...

MARTY: Who wants a body massage?

SOME FAMILY: *run away screaming*

MARTY: What were they so scared of.

THE DAD: *fires shotgun at Marty*

MARTY: The Libyans are here, too!?

THE DAD: Die, alien scum!

MARTY: *drives away*

Some Country Road

MARTY: This must just be some kind of bad dream.

THE AUDIENCE: Um, isn’t it obvious to him that he went back in time?

MARTY: *spots something shiny and slams on the brakes*

TIME DELOREAN: *shows off its great power-assisted disc brakes*

MARTY: *gets out*

LARGE BILLBOARD: Ha-ha! You have nowhere to go because your house hasn’t been built yet.

MARTY: Just for that, I’m hiding the broken down DeLorean behind you.

LARGE BILLBOARD: Dag, yo.

Hill Valley Town Square

MARTY: Everything is so... ‘50s.

UNIVERSAL STUDIOS TOUR TRAM: *drives by*

CLOCK TOWER: *rings*

MARTY: *picks up newspaper*

NEWSPAPER: BREAKING NEWS – Teenage Boy Travels Back to November 5, 1955 and Still Hasn’t Figured it Out Yet.

MARTY: This has gotta be a dream.

Lou’s Café of Insults and Forgiveness

MARTY: *enters*

LOU: Did you fall off a boat or something?

MARTY: We live in a town called Hill Valley.

LOU: My apologies for the rude joke.

MARTY: No problem. Where might I be able to find your telephone?

LOU: It’s in the back.

Phone Booth

MARTY: Emmett Brown... where are you?

PHONE BOOK: *ends up having over 200 people with the last name Brown in it despite being in a small town*

MARTY: Found you!

WALDO: Well, to be fair, I am wearing a red and white striped shirt in a strictly black and gray book.

The Café Again

MARTY: Do you know where I might be able to find 1640 River...

LOU: Look kid, are you going to order something or what!?

MARTY: I’m trying to find a friend.

LOU: Ugh, my apologies again for being so unfriendly. I don’t know what is wrong with me these days. Is there anything I can get for you?

MARTY: Coffee, please.

LOU: Here you go, good sir.

BIFF: McFly!

MARTY AND A NERDY LOOKING GUY WHO SUSPICIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE MARTY’S FATHER: *turn around*

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Oh, that must be Marty’s father.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Why are there so many dumb people in and out of this movie?

MARTY: Biff?

BIFF: Hey, I’m talking to you McFly.

MARTY: *gulp*

BIFF: *walks past Marty to his dad*

GEORGE: Hey, Biff.

BIFF: You got my homework finished?

GEORGE: Well, it’s advanced calculus, so it’s going to take me longer than one day.

BIFF: Well then why do you think I’m in here, McFly!?

GEORGE: To show my son that I am his father?

BIFF: *noogies, slaps, spits on George... then leaves*

MARTY: *stares at George*

GEORGE: What!? Do I have something on my face or something?

MARTY: You’re my fa...

BARACK OBAMA: Hey, why do you let those boys pick on you?

GEORGE: They’re bigger than me.

BARACK OBAMA: If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.

GEORGE AND MARTY: ...

BARACK OBAMA: There's not a liberal America and a conservative America - there's the United States of America.

GEORGE AND MARTY: ...

BARACK OBAMA: Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.

GEORGE: Does anything you say ever mean anything?

BARACK OBAMA: No, but it sounds good, don’t it?

MARTY: You’re like the kid who ran for class president in high school that promised longer lunches and less homework, aren’t you?

BARACK OBAMA: Why can't I just eat my waffle?

GEORGE: *disappears*

MARTY: Wuzzuh!?

GEORGE: *rides by outside on bike*

MARTY: Hey, wait!

Some Residential Street

MARTY: *finds George’s bike leaning against a tree minus a George on it*

TREE: *poops leaf*

MARTY: *looks up*

GEORGE: *spies on a shirtless guy*

MARTY: *starts to disappear*

GEORGE: *turns his attention to a girl changing*

MARTY: *comes back*

GEORGE: *falls out of tree*

TREE: *poops a George*

CAM: These poop jokes doing anything for you?

THE AUDIENCE: Not really.

CAM: We should hang out more.

CAR: KEEL YOU!!!1!1!!

MARTY: *pushes George out of the way*

CAR: *keels Marty*

Darkened Bedroom of Awkwardness

MARTY: Mom?

SOME GIRL: Quiet now. You’ve been asleep for almost nine hours.

MARTY: I had this crazy dream where everything pooped out of other stuff and this guy named Cam was trying really hard to be funny, but failing miserably. And dad was there, only he was bi or something.

SOME GIRL: Well, you’re safe and sound in my bedroom now back in 1955.

LIGHTS: *turn on to reveal Marty’s young mother*

MARTY: WHAT!? Mom?

LORRAINE: Silly boy. You must have hit your head really hard.

MARTY: I need to get out of here.

LORRAINE: *sits on Marty’s lap*

MARTY: I... you can't... ouch, you're bending it!

FREUD: Marty, trust your feelings.

MARTY: No!

FREUD: That’s your uncle talking.

LORRAINE: Calm down, Calvin.

MARTY: Why are you calling me Calvin?

LORRAINE: You’re wearing Calvin and Hobbes briefs. Your name isn’t Hobbes, is it?

LORRAINE’S MOM: Lorraine, are you tempting that boy upstairs?

LORRAINE: Sh*t, it’s my mom! Quick, put your pants back on!

MARTY: When the heck did you take my pants off!

Dining Room of Awkwardness

LORRAINE’S MOM: That boy you hit is alright.

LORRAINE’S DAD: What were you doing playing out in the street, boy?

MARTY: Apparently creating rifts in the time space continuum.

LORRAINE’S MOM: That’s nice, dear. Do you like Meatloaf?

MARTY: Yeah, he’s an alright musician.

LORRAINE’S MOM: You must have hit your head really hard.

LORRAINE’S DAD: Hey, check it out! I made it so that we can watch Jackie Gleason while we eat. This way, we don’t have to talk to our kids about the dangers of drugs and unprotected sex at the dinner table.

MARTY: Aw, I’ve seen this one before! It’s the one where Jackie Gleason goes, “Pow, right in the kisser!”

LORRAINE’S BROTHER: How can you have seen this before? It’s brand new.

MARTY: I’ve seen it on... TV Land.

LORRAINE’S BROTHER: What’s TV Land?

MARTY: A channel that you’ll be on a lot when they replay episodes of The Wonder Years.

LORRAINE’S BROTHER: Butthead.

MARTY: Hey, do you guys know where Riverside Drive is?

LORRAINE’S DAD: Yeah, it’s on the east side of town.

MARTY: Past Ricky Schroeder Boulevard?

LORRAINE’S DAD: Who the hell is Ricky Schroeder?

MARTY: You’ll find out.

LORRAINE: Mom, with Calvin’s parents out of town, don’t you think he oughta spend the night? Since I have daddy issues, he can sleep in my room with me.

LORRAINE’S DAD: *continues to watch Jackie abuse Alice*

LORRAINE’S MOM: That sounds like a great idea.

LORRAINE: *plays chicken with Marty*

MARTY: *chickens out immediately*

LORRAINE’S MOM: Where are you going?

MARTY: I should go. Have a nice night. Thx much.

LORRAINE’S DAD: What a ‘tard. His parents must be ‘tards, too. And his parents’ parents. Oh man, why do I feel like I just pwned myself?

LORRAINE: *boycrushes*

1640 Riverside Drive

MARTY: *knocks on door*

DOC: *opens door wearing giant hair dryer*

MARTY: I must have the wrong...

DOC: Get in here!

MARTY: Wuzzuh!

DOC: Don’t say anything! I’m going to read your mind!

MARTY: =X

DOC: You’ve come from far away!

MARTY: =]

DOC: You want to tell me the power of Jesus Christ!

MARTY: =[

DOC: You have a disease!

MARTY: =]

DOC: You want me to donate to the McCain campaign!

MARTY: No, Doc! I’m from teh future!

DOC: You’re from the future!

MARTY: ...

DOC: This machine totally works.

MARTY: Srsly, Doc. I’m from teh future!

DOC: I dun berieve!

MARTY: I’ll prove it to you! You told me about how you invented time travel. You were... um, in the bathroom... doing the doo... and you hit your head and came up with the flux capacitor.

DOC: I was sh*tting.

MARTY: Yeah...

DOC: You know what this means!?

MARTY: No?

DOC: This machine gives people around me the ability to read my mind!

Some Country Road Again

MARTY: The car broke, so I hid it behind this rude sign.

LARGE BILLBOARD: Hey! I’m a billboard, buddy! A sign is something that tells you what to do on the road.

DOC: When I hit my head in the bathroom, I drew the flux capacitor.

MARTY: Do you have it with you?

DOC: *holds up a piece of toilet paper that has feces on it shaped like the flux capacitor*

MARTY: *shows Doc the real flux capacitor*

DOC: We gotta get this car back to the shop and we gotta get you back to the future.

MARTY: Good deal. But first, could you throw away that dirty toilet paper?

Back to the Doc’s Home

MARTY: Here’s the video I made during your first test.

VIDEO DOC: I need the plutonium to create a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 jiggawatts of electricity.

DOC: 1.21 jiggawatts?

MARTY: What’s a jiggawatt?

DOC: A unit of electricity that Will Smith invented. Look, I don’t think you’re going back to the future now.

MARTY: Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.

DOC: The only way we can get that kind of electricity is if we had a bolt of lightning.

MARTY’S CONSCIENCE: "CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime."

MARTY: *pulls out clock tower flyer*

DOC: This is just all too convenient.

MARTY: So, this could work?

DOC: Yes, but until then, you must stay here and not talk to anyone!

MARTY: *whistles*

DOC: You didn’t.

MARTY: My mom... sort of... wants to bone me now.

DOC: Do you have a picture of your family conveniently in your pocket?

MARTY: *hands over picture*

PICTURE: *starts to show Marty’s brother disappearing*

DOC: If you let your mom bone you, you’ll be your own father.

Hill Valley High

DOC: We need to make this right again. Where’s your dad?

MARTY: He’s that nerdy one over there.

DOC: F*ck! I’m leaving this up to you.

MARTY: Hey, George. Remember me? The guy who sort of saved your life.

GEORGE: Didn’t save my movie career?

MARTY: I want to introduce you to my mo... I mean, your wi... I mean, this girl.

LORRAINE: Oh, Calvin! You’re alright!

MARTY: I want to introduce you to my good friend George.

GEORGE: I’m going to do a movie about rats one day.

LORRAINE: Sure, whatever, Will. Calvin, I was so worried about you!

SCHOOL BELL: *rings*

LORRAINE’S FRIEND: Quick, we gotta get to class. We’re already tardy like the rest of the students who are still hanging out in the hallway.

LORRAINE: Isn’t Calvin just a big chunk of beefcake?

FREUD: Hell yes!

High School Cafeteria

MARTY: Sorry about earlier George. Anyway, you should go ask Lorraine out to the Under the Sea dance.

GEORGE: It looks like she’d rather go with Biff.

BIFF: *plays chicken with Lorraine*

MARTY: *grabs Biff by the collar*

BIFF: *is taller*

MARTY: You seem like you should be much taller than me than you already are.

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: Are you two fighting?

BIFF: *kisses Marty*

PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: *leaves*

BIFF: I’ll let you off this time.

MARTY: Pshhh. More like get me off this time.

Some Other Residential Street

MARTY: George!

GEORGE: Seriously, dude. Are you mancrushing on me?

MARTY: Look, you need to ask Lorraine to the school dance.

GEORGE: No, that’s Battlestar night. Frak you!

MARTY: Battlestar, huh?

George’s Bedroom of Nerdiness

MARTY: *wakes up George*

GEORGE: Bad touch!

MARTY: Quiet, Earthling! I am a cylon. You must go to the dance with Lorraine.

GEORGE: You can’t be a cylon. Cylons are much sexier.

MARTY: Um...

GEORGE: ...

MARTY: *shows some leg*

Town Square

GEORGE: Marty, I need help asking Lorraine to the dance.

MARTY: She’s right over there in the café. Just ask her.

GEORGE: What do I say?

MARTY: Tell her she’s pretty. Girls are shallow like that.

GEORGE: lol, k.

Café

GEORGE: Lorraine, you’re petty.

LORRAINE: Petty?

GEORGE: I mean, pretty.

LORRAINE: Do me here and now.

BIFF: McFly!

MARTY: $%&#!

BIFF: I thought I told you to never come in here.

GEORGE: No, you told me to do your homework.

MARTY: *trips Biff*

BIFF: *biffs*

MARTY: *runs away*

Town Square

MARTY: *steals kid’s skateboard*

BIFF AND CO.: *give chase in car*

MARTY: Watch me ollie!

BIFF AND CO.: *watches him ollie*

LORRAINE: *orgasms*

TONY HAWK: Seriously? That hedge was only a foot high.

BIFF AND CO.: *run into manure truck*

MANURE TRUCK: *poops poop*

Back at the Doc’s House

MARTY: Doc, there’s something you should know about what happens to you in teh future.

DOC: Don’t tell me. Now, look at this huge elaborate model that I had the spare time of building since you’ve been gone. When the lightning strikes the tower, it will run down this cable just as this giant hook hits it sending 1.21 jiggawatts of hot, steamy electricity straight to the flux capacitor.

BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Giant hooks weren’t invented until 1963.

DOC: Let’s test it out.

TOY CAR: *hits cable and catches on fire*

BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Fire wasn’t invented until 1957.

DOC: How are things going with your dad?

MARTY: About as good as this car.

DOC: He’s flaming?

BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Gays weren’t invented until 1988.

LORRAINE: *knocks*

DOC: It’s your mom! Quick, hide the time machine!

MARTY: *puts cover over car*

LORRAINE: Hey.

MARTY: How did you know I was here?

LORRAINE: I’m stalking you.

MARTY: Oh. Let me introduce you to my Doc... uh, I mean Uncle Doc... Brown. Well, he’s not really my uncle. More like a distant relative. Twice or three times removed. It doesn’t matter.

LORRAINE: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?

MARTY: What about dad... erm, George?

LORRAINE: George McFly? He’s kinda weaksauce. Why is there a big metal rod sticking out from underneath this cover?

MARTY: *checks fly*

McFly Residence

MARTY: If you want to go to the dance with Lorraine, we’re going to need to act out this plan that makes you look tough.

GEORGE: I still don’t understand why you’re so adamant about me going to the dance with her. You’re not looking for a ménage à trois, are you?

MARTY: I don’t speak Spanish, George. Anyway, so the plan is I pick her up, pretend to start raping her, and then you beat me up. Got it?

GEORGE: And then I rape her?

MARTY: ...

Town Square

DOC: I’m going to miss you, Marty.

MARTY: Doc, you really should know something about teh future.

DOC: Nein!

Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café

MARTY: *writes letter to Doc about him being killed in the future*

BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Paper wasn’t invented until 19...

CAM: *shoots Buzzkill Historian in the head*

BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: *dead*

CAM: There. He’s gone. He’ll never bother us again.

Immediately After Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café in Town Square

MARTY: *slips Doc’s jacket the letter*

DOC: *slips questioning cop a tenner*

Enchantment Under the Sea Dance

SEBASTIAN: ♪ Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me! ♪

Outside the Dance in the Parking Lot of Incest

MARTY: Rape time.

LORRAINE: Sweet. I love being raped.

MARTY: What!? Seriously?

LORRAINE: Yeah. Get krunk!

MARTY: *is nervous*

LORRAINE: Why so serious?

MARTY: I just... uh...

LORRAINE: *kisses Marty*

MARTY: *kinda liked it*

LORRAINE: That felt like kissing my brother. Weird, huh?

MARTY: No. I kiss my brother all the time.

BIFF: *pulls Marty out of the car*

MARTY: *is still short*

BIFF: You caused $300 worth of damage to my car.

MARTY: Wow... that’s not a bad price. Which auto shop did you take your car to?

BIFF: Shut up, butthead! Guys, take him to the back. I’ll be right there, after I take care of some business.

GUYS: ...

BIFF: With Lorraine.

GUYS: ...

BIFF: In this car.

GUYS: ...

BIFF: Man, you guys are dumb.

Behind the School

GUY #1: Hey, let’s put him in this car trunk.

GUY #2: Do you guys smell weed?

SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! What you be doin’ to my car?

GUY #3: It’s a giant enemy crab! Run away!

SEBASTIAN: Who in der?

MARTY: Help! I’m locked in the trunk.

SEBASTIAN: Hold on. I’ll go get King Triton.

Parking Lot of Rape

BIFF: *has his way*

GEORGE: Get your damn hands off her.

BIFF: *turns to George*

GEORGE: F*ck.

BIFF: *puts George in the sleeper hold*

GEORGE: *falls asleep*

BIFF: *finishes raping Lorraine, kills Marty, and gets his car fixed... the end*

GEORGE: Yeah, right!

BIFF: *gets punched by George*

LORRAINE: Hot.

PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 26 million dollars, please.

Back to the Behind the School

SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I could not find the king, but Flounder here is really good at picking locks.

FLOUNDER: *flops around on the ground*

SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I dun think this will work.

TRUNK: *opens*

MARTY: Are you guys gonna keep playing music for the dance so that my parents can kiss?

SEBASTIAN: How can we, mon? We’re just sea creatures. And Flounder looks... dead.

MARTY: Well then how the hell were you playing earlier?

SEBASTIAN: No idea. But, if you are willing to play the bongos, we’ll be more than happy to sing the perfect love song to get your parents to kiss.

The Dance

MARTY: *plays the bongos*

LORRAINE AND GEORGE: *dance*

SEBASTIAN: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared. You got the mood prepared. Go on and kiss the girl. ♪

SOME BASTARD CHILD: I’m cuttin’ in, McFly!

LORRAINE: *barely fights him off*

MARTY: *starts to disappear*

LORRAINE: George! Save me again!

GEORGE: *punches redheaded freak and lays a smack on Lorraine*

THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*

CAM: No, "smack" as in a kiss.

THE AUDIENCE: Oh.

MARTY: *reappears and plays the bongos like you’ve never seen anyone play them before*

Stairwell of Goodbyes

LORRAINE: George is going to take me home.

MARTY: Good. I had a good feeling about you two.

LORRAINE: Like the relief after a huge fart? I feel that, too.

MARTY: Good luck.

Town Square of Goodbyes

DOC: You’re late.

MARTY: Sorry, I got too into playing the bongos.

DOC: Everything is all set. Just start over there and don’t go until this alarm goes off.

MARTY: Thanks, Doc.

DOC: Thank you.

MARTY AND DOC: *kiss*

MARTY: Is that a letter in your pocket, or are you just happy to kiss me?

DOC: What’s with this letter?

MARTY: Oh yeah...

DOC: Is this about my future?

MARTY: Possibly.

DOC: *tears it up*

MARTY: Fine, I’ll tell you what happens.

TREE BRANCH: *falls onto cable*

DOC: Crap! I need to fix this or it won’t work. You need to go get in position.

MARTY: *gets in position*

DOC: *jungle gyms on clock tower*

MARTY: I got it! I can just go back to teh future a little earlier and warn Doc about getting shot.

CAM: Dude, he has so many options. He could also go back to 1955 after getting more plutonium in the future. He could also go back in time in 1985 and warn Doc. Man, Marty is an idiot.

MARTY: I’m so smart.

TIME DELOREAN: *dies*

MARTY: No wonder John DeLorean went bankrupt.

DOC: *apparently weighs a lot and keeps breaking off pieces of the clock tower ledge*

MARTY: *desperately tries to start car*

ALARM: *goes off*

MARTY: *slams head against horn*

TIME DELOREAN: *apparently starts by hitting the horn*

MARTY: Yes! Go, Speed, go!

DOC: *Tarzans down to fix cable*

TIME DELOREAN: *apparently takes one and a half minutes to get up to 88 MPH*

DOC: *attaches cable right when the lightning strikes, electrocuting him*

MARTY: *goes back to the future*

DOC: *apparently survives a 1.21 gigawatt bolt to the body and is impressed with himself*

Town Square 1985

TIME DELOREAN: *appears and runs into some homeless guy*

MARTY: Well, at least I’m changing things in teh present now.

THE LIBYANS: *pass by driving towards the mall*

TIME DELOREAN: *dies*

MARTY: Is this ever going to end?

Lone Pine Mall (<-Did You Catch That?)

MARTY: *apparently runs as fast as a car*

LIBYANS: *still shoot Doc*

MARTY: *watches his old self run away from the Libyans*

OLD MARTY: *hops into the DeLorean*

MARTY: Damn, I have a nice ass.

OLD MARTY: *time travels to 1955*

LIBYANS: *are killed by a photo development booth*

DOC: *is alive*

MARTY: I confused.

DOC: I taped your letter back together.

MARTY: *mancrushes*

Outside the McFly House

MARTY: So, where are you going?

DOC: 30 years into the future.

MARTY: Do you think it’ll be much different?

DOC: Probably not. Hopefully a lot less Mexicans.

MARTY: Well, look me up when you get there. Let me know if I turn out gay so I can change that.

THE AUDIENCE: Wow, racism and homophobia in the same scene.

CAM: What can I say? I’m a classy guy.

DOC: *goes to the future*

The Next Morning at the McFly House

THE FURNITURE: *looks expensive*

MARTY’S SIBLINGS: *are all dressed up*

LORRAINE: *is thin and healthy*

GEORGE: *is freakin’ loaded*

BIFF: *buffs*

MARTY: *gets the truck he always wanted*

JENNIFER: *shows up*

MARTY: I’ll have to remember to go to teh past and change you so that you look hotter somehow.

DOC: *appears in the DeLorean*

MARTY: Aw, hell.

DOC: Marty! You and Jennifer need to come to the future with me!

MARTY: Seriously? I turn out gay!?

DOC: No, no, no. Your kids do!

MARTY: Drive as fast as you can.

FIN.

Asteroids and Frogger

2007-12-25T20:12:00.001-08:00

CAM: I'm sorry that it has been so long since I last posted something on here. You can rest assured that I won't ever give up on this blog and will never run out of ideas. It's mostly just a matter of time. Anyway, the other day I was bored and stumbled upon an online version of Asteroids. I wondered who ever thought up the game and I quickly realized that it must have gone something like this...

GAME DESIGNER: Alright, sir. You are the pilot of a giant capital A. You fly around using lower case v's as your fuel. There's these asteroids floating around space made up of backslashes and forward slashes. In order to destroy them, you must fire periods at them. And that's the entire game!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: And they just disappear?

GAME DESIGNER: Uhhh... no.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: ...

GAME DESIGNER: They... uh... break up into smaller faster moving asteroids!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: That's all... just asteroids?

GAME DESIGNER: Uhhh... no, sir.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: ...

GAME DESIGNER: There's also... um... aliens! Yeah, space aliens that try to shoot you with their own periods!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Aliens?

GAME DESIGNER: Yes, and they are different sizes, too! One is bigger and one is smaller. When you destroy the smaller ones, you get more points!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Now that sounds like a game!

GAME DESIGNER: Oh yeah! Wait 'til you hear about my other idea called Highway Crossing Frog!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: What is that about?

GAME DESIGNER: Well, you are this frog, and you have to cross a street!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Cross a street? That's it?

GAME DESIGNER: Uhhh... no, sir.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: ...

GAME DESIGNER: There's... uh... cars, on the street! And you have to dodge them to get across the street.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: So, this frog gets to the other side of this street and that's it?

GAME DESIGNER: Uhhh... of course not! Then, there's a river!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Woah, now you've got my attention. When did a river come into play!?

GAME DESIGNER: It's after the street, sir.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: I'm really intrigued now. What do you have to do with the river?

GAME DESIGNER: Uhhh... you have to... cross... that... too!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: And how will this frog do that?

GAME DESIGNER: LOGS!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: *startled back*

GAME DESIGNER: With logs! The frog jumps across logs to get to the other side of the river.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Just logs...

GAME DESIGNER: ...and turtles!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Excellent! And what about after that?

GAME DESIGNER: Um... well...

COMPANY PRESIDENT: ...

GAME DESIGNER: ...he does it all over again! This time with faster cars and logs! Oh! And there's dangerous alligators in the river now!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: I see. What exactly is the frog's motivation to cross the street and river?

GAME DESIGNER: Uh... he wants to... uh... go back to his froggy home.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Froggy home, eh? Froggy? Frogger. Frogger! The game should instead be called Frogger!

GAME DESIGNER: Yes, sir!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: I want to see a draft and we'll go from there.

CAM: And little did we all know that they would be two of the most popular games ever.

LOST – Pilot Part 1 in D/S

2007-04-28T19:43:00.002-07:00

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. It was time to make a D/S. The only source I used was the episode on DVD. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but I figured this would hold you off until my next true D/S. My wife, Bethany, contributed a lot to this particular D/S, so thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

Somewhere, someplace, on something

JACK: *eye pop*

SOMETHING IN THE BUSHES: *creeps*

JACK: I fell out of a plane unsupported into the jungle and I’m still alive?

DOG: Yep. See ya.

JACK: *stands up* Mother of Jordan, that hurt. *pulls out vodka* I don’t feel drunk.

Immediately after in the jungle (Welcome to the jungle, watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n knees, knees)

JACK: *runs through the jungle and...*

Comes out at the beach

JACK: Looks like some normal beach.

WOMAN: *screams*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women.

JET ENGINE: *whirs*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women and loud jet engines.

CRASHED PLANE: *is revealed*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women, loud jet engines, and crashed airplanes on it.

CRASH VICTIMS: *are frantic*

SHANNON: That jet engine just ate my Manolo Blahniks!

SOME GUY: Help me!

JACK: *helps him*

CLAIRE: Help me!

JACK: How many months pregnant are you?

THE AUDIENCE: *can assume Jack is a doctor*

CLAIRE: Only 8 months and I’m having contractions.

SOME AUTHOR DUDE: I sure hope I don’t die on this beach because then I won’t be able to publish my boo...

JET ENGINE: *eats the author and explodes*

CLAIRE: Either my water just broke, or I peed my pants.

JACK: You’re gonna be fine, just sit still next to this weak airplane wing. Hey, fatty!

HURLEY: Me?

JACK: Yeah. Come here and take care of this other fatty.

HURLEY: LOL, K. What’s your name?

JACK: Read the first part of this D/S!

HURLEY: Ginny?

JACK: *runs over to a boy performing CPR on an old lady* You’re not doing that right.

BOONE: Screw you, I’m a lifeguard!

JACK: Well, screw you, I’m a doctor. FACE!

BOONE: Maybe we should jab a pen in her throat.

JACK: [sarcastic] Yeah, go find one. [/sarcastic]

OLD LADY: *receives CPR from a professional doctor*

JACK: Your lips taste like Werther’s Originals.

OLD LADY: *gasps*

JACK: Take big deep breaths.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *starts to fall*

JACK: Hurley!!! Move! Get her out of there.

CLAIRE: Didn’t you tell me to just sit still?

HURLEY: *looks up and sees wing* Oh, crap.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *lands on another engine causing everything including the water to blow up barely missing Jack, Hurley, and Claire*

CLAIRE: Okay. Now either the baby just popped out, or I pooped my pants.

RANDOM AIRPLANE PART: *lands right next to Charlie*

CHARLIE: Woah, I’m trippin’.

JACK: *starts pilfering through luggage* I could really use a Zanax right now.

A secluded area just off the beach

JACK: *takes off his shirt to reveal manly chest-hair (oh, and a pretty deep wound on the side of his body)*

KATE: *wanders*

JACK: Hey sexy lady. Did you ever use a needle?

KATE: I experimented with a couple of drugs back in college.

JACK: No, I mean a sewing needle.

KATE: How could you shoot up with a sewing needle?

JACK: Just sew up my side and I’ll tell you a story.

Back at the crash site

SAWYER: *lights up a cigarette*

CLAIRE: *wades in the water*

HURLEY: *can’t believe they put the fat guy in charge of the food*

BOONE: *gets no signal on his cell phone*

SAYID: *builds a fire*

CHARLIE: *is still high*

THE AUDIENCE: *thinks they won’t be able to remember all the characters*

SAYID: Hey, what’s you name?

CHARLIE: Dude, just read the D/S.

SAYID: Charlie, I need help with the fire. We need to make it big enough so that whoever comes to rescue us can see it.

Back in the surgery hut

KATE: I might throw up on you.

JACK: That’s hot.

KATE: You don’t seem afraid at all about all this.

JACK: Well, I’m the hero, slash, leader of the show, so I’m not allowed to be afraid. Plus, when you’re a doctor, you see all sorts of gross stuff.

KATE: Like a young girl leaving the gas stove on and blowing up her step-father?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: No, when I was operating on this young girl, I accidentally split open her sack.

KATE: I thought you just said you were operating on a "girl".

JACK: No, her Dural Sack. It’s at the base of the spine where all the nerves come together. It ripped open and nerves flew out of her like grandma’s spaghetti.

KATE: Like running out of a bank after just robbing it?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: The terror was just so crazy, so real, and I knew that I had to deal with it. *starts to cry* So, I let the fear take me over for 5 seconds and that’s all I was gonna give it. So, I started to count. One... two... five...

KATE: Three, sir!

JACK: Three... four... five. And then the fear was gone.

KATE: So, you saved the girl?

JACK: Oh, no. She died.

KATE: You know, if that were me, I would have run away and got my best friend shot in the process.

JACK: What?

KATE: I like Sawyer.

Pow-wow on the beach

CHARLIE: *writes "fate" on his fingers*

SAYID: Stop being so emo, Charlie.

SHANNON: My feet must look sexy for when the hot rescue men get here.

BOONE: *offers Shannon a chocolate bar*

SHANNON: No, Professor Lupin. I’m not going to eat the chocolate.

BOONE: You know, we might be here for awhile.

SHANNON: They’ll find us because they can’t resist my sexiness.

HURLEY: Claire, you hungry?

CLAIRE: Dude, I’m hungry all the time.

HURLEY: Tell me about it.

JIN: [korean] You must never leave my sight, woman. [/korean]

SUN: I’m so glad I cheated on you before we got here.

JACK: *examines a guy with some shrapnel in his side*

KATE: Is he gonna live?

JACK: Do you know him?

KATE: He was the marshal taking me back to the States.

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing. I mean... he was sitting next to me.

JACK. ...

KATE: ...

JACK: So, how about that crash today.

KATE: Yeah, that sucked.

JACK: I wonder where the cockpit is.

KATE: Probably in the jungle where that black smoke is coming up.

JACK: We should go there.

KATE: Yeah...

SOMETHING IN THE JUNGLE: *crashes and makes T-Rex sounds*

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: It’s a dinosaur!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: It’s a giant tractor!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: It’s a black smoke monster that can read the thoughts of your past and judge you on every action you’ve taken and determines whether or not you should live!

THE AUDIENCE: Nah!

THE LOSTIES: WTF?

In the recent past on Oceanic flight 815

STEWARDESS: Drunk yet?

JACK: No. This drink is weaksauce.

STEWARDESS: *slips Jack some vodka*

THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha!

JACK: *mixes himself a Screw Driver* Better. *starts to get up*

PLANE: *goes through some turbulence*

JACK: Yeah, being drunk plus shaky airplane equals me sitting back down.

OLD LADY: *fastens seat belt*

JACK: Don’t worry. It’s normal.

OLD LADY: Oh, honey. You know this plane is goin’ down and us black folk ain’t gonna survive. Good thing my husband’s white.

CAM’S READERS: That’s a bit of racism if I’ve ever heard it.

CAM: Hey, at least she lives!

CAM’S READERS: Touché.

JACK: Don’t worry. This should all be over in...

Back on the plane crashed beach

KATE: You ready?

JACK: You don’t need to come with me, you know?

KATE: But I want to totally lead you on until I make sweet, sweet love with James.

JACK: What?

KATE: I have a messed up past and future!

JACK: You’re going to need nicer shoes.

KATE: Well, I did hear that someone had some Manolo Blahniks.

Elsewhere on the beach

HURLEY: So, I was rummaging for food in the fuselage and I was thinking, maybe we should do something about the... *spots Walt* R-L-Y S-T-I-N-K-I-E D-E-D B-O-D-Y-S.

WALT: I’m not five. I can spell "bodies" better than you.

SAYID: Back where I’m from, we take all the dead bodies, put them in a pile, point at their genitals, and burn them.

JACK: I’m going to go look for the cockpit and see if there’s a transceiver or something inside it.

CHARLIE: I’ll come with you. I feel like getting my drug on.

JACK: LOL, K.

Some pretty valley that is totally NOT Hawaii

KATE: You look familiar.

CHARLIE: Ever heard of Drive Shaft?

KATE: I experimented with that position back in college.

CHARLIE: No, the band.

KATE: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Yeah.

CHARLIE: Well, I played bass.

KATE: No wai! My friend absolutely loves your band!

JACK: You young kids and your dang music.

The beach (not the one with Leo)

A THUNDER STORM: *starts*

EVERYONE: *hides from the rain*

JIN: *runs off solicitors*

LOCKE: *enjoys the rain*

JUNGLE MONSTER: *stirs*

CLAIRE: There it is again.

At the site of the very front of the plane

CHARLIE: Let’s get my drugs and get out of here.

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *climb up towards the cockpit passing dead bodies... as one would*

JACK: *breaks open the cockpit door*

CAM: Is it really that easy?

DEAD BODY: *flies out freaking out everyone watching the show*

KATE: So, what does a transceiver look like?

JACK: It looks like a Talkboy.

KATE: I had a Talkgirl.

PILOT: I remember those!

JACK: OMG! Get this man some water, stat!

PILOT: How many survived?

JACK: At least 48.

PILOT: 48? What an odd number.

KATE: Actually, 42 would be odder.

PILOT: How long has it been?

JACK: 16.

KATE: There. Now you’re getting a hang of this numbers thing.

PILOT: Six hours into the flight, our radio went out.

KATE: It went out of the plane!?

PILOT: ...

JACK: ...

PILOT: No one could see us, so we turned around and headed to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we were way off course. They’re looking for us in the wrong place. I can read your mind. We have a transceiver right there.

JACK: Where’s Charlie?

KATE: Charlie?

CHARLIE: *comes out of the bathroom*

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

CHARLIE: This is a bathroom!?

JUNGLE MONSTER: *makes T-Rex sound again*

PILOT: What was that?

JACK: We don’t know and I don’t think we’re going to find out for a long time.

KATE: It’s right outside.

PILOT: *gets curious*

JUNGLE MONSTER: Curiosity killed the cat.

PILOT: *gets killed like a cat*

CHARLIE: Run away!

In the wet jungle

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *run away from the jungle monster*

CHARLIE: *foot gets caught in some vines* I’m not in the position to be able to slip my foot out of some vines.

JACK: *goes back to help*

KATE: *runs Forrest, runs and hides in some trees* Jack!

ALL: *is quiet*

KATE: One... two... five...

CHARLIE: Kate!

KATE: Where’s Jack!?

CHARLIE: I don’t know. He helped me out. And then he was gone.

KATE: We have to go back for him! He’s one-third of the love triangle!

CHARLIE: Are you mad!?

KATE: Yes.

CHARLIE: I heard you shout for Jack. How come you weren’t concerned about me?

KATE: Because for all you knew, you were just high and on a trip.

CHARLIE: That makes sense.

KATE: *finds pilot wings*

CHARLIE: If that’s there...

KATE AND CHARLIE: *look up in the trees and see…*

JACK: The pilot.

KATE: Did you see the monster?

JACK: No.

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...

FIN.

Yee-haw! in D/S

2007-02-12T16:03:00.002-08:00

CAM: Bethany had her first OB/GYN appointment today and everything went well. While we were in the waiting room of the laboratory, four Texan women were able to meet and tell each other about themselves. These are their stories (all voices in extremely loud female Texas accents):

PEGGY SUE: Boy, I tell you what, them Aggies man. That's a good school right there.

MARY LOU: Dag gone ya'll, that place has gotten bigger than a cowpie on a Tuesday.

BETTY ANN: Ya'll went to A&M?

MARY LOU: I did, she didn't.

BETTY ANN: Shoot, my son goes there right now. I'm worried 'bout him.

PEGGY SUE: Why's that, darlin'?

BETTY ANN: Well, because he's from such a small town and A&M is so big.

MARY LOU: It sure has gotten bigger... like a cowpie on a Friday.

PEGGY SUE: ...

MARY LOU: Where are you from?

BETTY ANN: I'm from down there in Sonora.

MARY LOU: *nods*

PEGGY SUE: *nods*

BETTY ANN: Where ya'll from?

PEGGY SUE: We're both from Barnhart.

BETTY ANN: Okay, okay. Ya'll know a fella by the name of C.Q. Washington?

MARY LOU: HELLZ YEAH!... I mean... yes. We know him.

BETTY ANN: Well, he's my uncle-in-law.

MARY LOU: No wai.

BETTY ANN: Yep, I married his brother's son.

PEGGY SUE: Well, I'll be darned.

BOBBIE JO: Ya'll say you from Barnhart?

MARY LOU: We are.

BOBBIE JO: Well check this here out. I'm from Miles.

MARY LOU: *laughs hard*

PEGGY SUE: *laughs hard*

BETTY ANN: Don't blink!

BOBBIE JO: *laughs*

BETTY ANN: Don't blink or you'll miss it!

ALL: *laugh obnoxiously loud*

PEGGY SUE: No, blink twice and you'll miss Miles. Blink once and you'll miss Barnhart.

ALL: *laugh some more, sounding more and more like clucking hens*

BOBBIE JO: *laughs so hard she lays an egg*

PEGGY SUE: Wait, what's your name?

BOBBIE JO: Bobbie Jo.

PEGGY SUE: No, your last name.

BOBBIE JO: Ortiz.

PEGGY SUE: You wouldn't know Willy Ortiz now, would ya?

BOBBIE JO: Yeah, he's my brother's father-in-law!

PEGGY SUE: We know him back from grade school.

MARY LOU: He was the feisty one, that boy.

BOBBIE JO: I'll bet! He is a character!

PEGGY SUE: Ain't that the truth!

MARY LOU: Like a cowpie!

ALL: *laugh so loud*

NURSE: Bethany.

CAM: Oh, thank God.

PROGRESS: ensues

2007-01-22T16:36:00.001-08:00

CAM: I worked on my latest D/S for about two hours last night, and if my calculations are correct, I am 1/4 done with it. I'm still not going to tell you what it is yet. You'll just have to work on that last clue I gave you.

CAM'S READERS: How can you expect us to care when you barely make any updates to this page?

CAM: Well, I was hoping that my loyal readers would take interest.

CAM'S READERS: We're tired of seeing all this Harry Potter stuff.

CAM: Probably not a good thing that I still have some Harry Potter icons to put up.

CAM'S READERS: *big sigh*

CAM: Look, just wait patiently and you'll get to read the new D/S in no time.

CAM'S READERS: Suuuuure. At this rate, you'll post a new one once a year... if we're lucky.

CAM: Alright, you know what! I don't need to argue with you about this.

CAM'S READERS: We're not the ones arguing with you, mate. You're just arguing with yourself.

CAM: I... what!?

CAM'S READERS: ...

CAM: *looks around*

CAM'S READERS: ...

CAM: Hello?

CAM'S READERS: ...

CAM: I'm scared.

Harry Potter Icons #2

2006-10-11T19:39:00.001-07:00

Here are four more icons for your enjoyment.

Also, I am brain storming some ideas for the next D/S. It's my density...

Harry Potter Icons #1

2006-10-08T22:45:00.002-07:00

I'll be slowly posting some HP DS icons, so check back often. Here are your first two:

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire D/S

2006-08-19T15:37:00.003-07:00

Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong... I love the Harry Potter books and movies. I find that the bigger fan-base a movie has, the easier it is to poke fun at it. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. My wife, Bethany, acted as a great researcher and editor. Thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

Somewhere at Night

NA-CGI-GINI: *crawls up through some undergrowth as magical floating letters appear in the sky reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"*

Dark Room

OLD MAN: *puts kettle on and notices someone has turned a light on in the creepy big house up on the hill*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Old man? He has a name and it’s Frank and he has an entire back-story that is really important because...

DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: Oh, no he doesn’t!

OLD MAN: Bloody kids!

Creepy Big House

OLD MAN: *sneaks up to a room where three men are speaking*

WORMTAIL: Maybe if we do it the same, but different...

VOLDEMORT: NO! We will do it the way I say and that is that!

UNKNOWN MAN: I will not disappoint you, my lord.

VOLDEMORT: Good. Gather up the troops and draw fire!

NA-CGI-GINI: *slithers past the oldfrankman and whispers something in parsel-tongue to Voldemort*

VOLDEMORT: Come now, Nagini! You know I don’t speak Spanish.

NA-CGI-GINI: *re-whispers*

VOLDEMORT: I see. Apparently there is an oldfrankman standing right outside the door.

WORMTAIL: *opens the door to reveal oldfrankman standing there*

VOLDEMORT: Step aside so I can give him a proper greeting.

OLD MAN: Oh well, in that case, hello there. My name is Fra...

VOLDEMORT: OH, NO IT’S NOT! AVADA CADAVAR!

The Weasley House

HARRY: *is having a nightmare about everything above and his scar is hurting*

HERMIONE: Wake up, Harry!

HARRY: Hey... you’ve gotten... bigger.

HERMIONE: ...and you’ve gotten deeper.

HARRY: When did you get here?

HERMIONE: Just now, you?

HARRY: I... don’t... know... first, I was at my aunt and uncle’s and now I’m here...

HERMIONE: I don’t care, but I’m sure it was a funny story. Wake up Ron!

RON: But, I’m not decent! And you’re... bigger.

Somewhere in the Woods

RON: Wait! I didn’t get to say good-bye to Mom!

MR. WEASLEY: Who?

RON: Where are we going anyways?

MR. WEASLEY: Haven’t the foggiest, keep up!

HARRY: Wait... he doesn’t know where we are going?

AMOS: There you are. What took you?

MR. WEASLEY: Ginny fell in the toilet again. We had to pull her out.

CEDRIC: *falls out of the sky*

MR. WEASLEY: And this handsome, strapping young lad must be your son, Cedric?

CEDRIC: Yes, sir.

AMOS: And you must be Harry Potter!

RON: Oh, no, I’m Ronald Weas...

AMOS: *walks past Ron to Harry*

RON: Oh, yes, of course... him.

HARRY: Hello, sir.

AMOS: Pleasure.

HARRY: Yes... pleasure...?

AMOS: This way, everyone.

Up on ze Hill Lies das Boot

HARRY: Why is everyone standing around that old boot?

FRED: It’s...

GEORGE: ...not...

FRED: ...just...

GEORGE: ...a...

FRED: ...boot.

GEORGE: It’s...

FRED: ...a...

GEORGE: ...portkey.

HARRY: That’s not a key. It’s a boot!

MR. WEASLEY: Not a key, Harry. A portkey.

HARRY: That thing would never fit into a keyhole.

MR. WEASLEY: Just touch it.

EVERYONE: *touches the portkey and flies through the air*

MR. WEASLEY: Let go kids!

HERMIONE: Foo’. I know you be jokin’, right?

MR. WEASLEY: Let! Go!

HARRY: *lets go of the portkey*

HERMIONE: *lets go of the portkey*

RON: *lets go of the portkey*

AND THEY ALL: *fall down*

CEDRIC: *helps Harry up*

HARRY: *boycrushes*

Tent City

MR. WEASLEY: Welcome to the Quidditch World Cup.

MAGIC JUGGLER: *hits Hermione in the face*

WIZARDS ON BROOMS: *fly by*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Aren’t they afraid of being seen?

HARRY POTTER FANS: *perform memory charms*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Oh, look! Shiny red things!

MR. WEASLEY: Here is our tent.

EVERYONE EXCEPT HARRY: *goes into the tent*

HARRY: There is no way that we are all going to fit in that tent.

RON: Come on Harry!

HARRY: *goes into the tent to find that it is magically bigger*

MR. WEASLEY: Ginny, you can’t sleep there. That’s Harry’s bed!

GINNY: *blushes and runs away*

HARRY: I lessthanthree magic.

Stadium de la Cup de la World

RON: Geez, dad... how far up are our seats?

LUCIUS: Your seats are so high that when you spit off of them, it will take a really long time until it hits the ground.

DRACO: Good one, dad.

LUCIUS: Shut up, boy!

DRACO: *tear*

LUCIUS: *pins Harry’s foot down with his pimp cane*

HARRY: What?

LUCIUS: Do try to enjoy yourself while you still can, wink.

HARRY: Did you mean to say "wink," or actually wink?

LUCIUS: I... shut up!

On the 500th Floor of the Stadium

MR. WEASLEY: I told you these were good seats.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Please let there be Winky. Please let there be Winky.

DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: I don’t believe in house elves.

SOMEWHERE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD: *a house elf falls down dead*

FRED: It’s...

GEORGE: ...the...

FRED: ...Irish!

IRISH QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead while drinking beers*

GEORGE: Now...

FRED: ...the...

GEORGE: ...Bulgarians!

BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead led by a cocky broom flier*

RON: Who is that?

TWINS: Krum!

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air a hundred times*

RON: *boycrushes*

MINISTER OF MAGIC: Ready. Fight!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Yes!

THE SCENE: *ends*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Nooooooooooo!

Back at the Weasley Tent

RON: Krum is the best. Krum can beat anyone. Krum is the man. Krum is better than a man.

GINNY: Think you’re in love, Ron?

RON: Gotten off Harry, have you!?

GINNY: *blushes and runs away*

FRED: Sounds...

GEORGE: ...like...

FRED: ...the...

GEORGE: ...Irish...

FRED: ...have...

GEORGE: ...got...

FRED: ...their...

GEORGE: ...pride...

FRED: ...on.

MR. WEASLEY: It’s not the Irish.

GEORGE: The British?

MR. WEASLEY: No.

FRED: Ze Germans?

MR. WEASLEY: No.

RON: Le French?

EVERYBODY EXCEPT RON: *laughs*

MR. WEASLEY: Ahem... no. We’ve got to get out of here.

RON: So, it’s not the French.

Outside where People are Running for Their Lives, Fire is Conjured out of Nowhere, and Wizards in Hooded Robes Rule the Land (not Ringwraiths)

MR. WEASLEY: Everyone back to das boot! Fred and George, Ginny is your responsibility.

GINNY: Oh, come on, Dad! Let me go with Harry!

MR. WEASLEY: Do as I say! You don’t want to have another toilet accident again, do you?

GINNY: *gulps and leaves with Fred and George*

HERMIONE: Come on Harry!

HARRY: *KO’d*

Time Passes in Tent City Where Smoke Still Rises

UNKNOWN MAN: *casts a spell which causes a bright flash and a large ghostly skull forms in the sky with a snake crawling from it*

HARRY: *awakens and sees this unknown man*

UNKNOWN MAN: *goes after Harry until he hears the sounds of other people, so he flees*

RON: We’ve been looking for you for ages.

HARRY: Is that why you have lipstick all over your face?

HERMIONE: I tripped and my lips fell on his face.

HARRY: Right. What’s that because it is making my scar hurt like something fierce.

MINISTRY OF MAGIC: *suddenly appears and casts stupefy on the trio, but they all seem to have bad aim and miss*

MR. WEASLEY: STOP! That’s my son, Fred!

RON: I’m not Fred.

MR. WEASLEY: George!

RON: I’m not George either.

MR. WEASLEY: Charlie?

RON: He’s never even been in any of the movies so far.

MR. WEASLEY: Oh, right... Percy.

RON: ...

MR. WEASLEY: ...Ginny?

BARTY: Which of you conjured it!?

HARRY: Conjured what?

HERMIONE: That is the dark mark Harry. His mark.

HARRY: Barty’s?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: Mr. Weasley’s?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: ...Ginny?

HERMIONE: ...

HARRY: Oh, right, Voldemort!

BARTY: His name doesn’t bother us anymore for some reason, but yes.

HARRY: There was a man just over there.

BARTY: This way, crew!

MR. WEASLEY: A man, Harry?

HARRY: Yeah, you know, like a woman, but with a penis.

MR. WEASLEY: I know that! Who was it?

HARRY: Oh... um... Ginny?

Hogwarts Express Carriage

LADY: Anything from the trolley?

RON: Packet of Droobles and a licorice wand.

LADY: That’ll be £4.50.

RON: On second thought, how much is your dust?

HARRY: I’ll have a...

CHO: Two pumpkin pasties, please.

HARRY: ...Cho...

CHO’S FRIENDS: *laugh*

HARRY: ...um... Cho... chocolate frog!

LADY: Nice try sonny, but I think she caught on.

HARRY: *sits back down*

HERMIONE: This is horrible. How can the Ministry not know who conjured the dark mark?

RON: Well, you see, the person probably conjured it and then ran so as to not get caught.

HERMIONE: Thanks. Harry, you should tell Sirius about your nightmare and what happened at the World Cup.

HARRY: *sends Hedwig off with a letter to Sirius*

HEDWIG: You shall never see me again.

Outside Hogwarts

THE STUDENTS: *run over to see a carriage being pulled by seven flying horses*

HAGRID: Clear the runway!

THE STUDENTS: *gather to also see a large ship emerge from under the water*

HAGRID: Clear the port!

Great Hall of Hogwarts

DUMBLEDORE: Now that we’re all settled in and sorted...

HARRY POTTER FANS: I must have missed that part.

DUMBLEDORE: ...I’d like to make an announcement. We’re going to have to share our castle with foreigners.

STUDENTS: *groan*

FILCH: *runs like a girl*

HARRY POTTER FANS: [sarcastic] Oh, let’s add in Filch running funny, but cut out the whole house elves thing. Smart. [/sarcastic]

DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts will be hosting a legendary event. The Tri-Wizard Tournament.

FILCH: *whispers in Dumbledore’s ear and runs away... like a girl*

DUMBLEDORE: Let me introduce our foreigners. The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and their headmistress Madam Maxime.

GROUP OF GIRLS: *come in through the main door and conjure chirping butterflies from their armpits*

RON: Bloody hell!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Not as mesmerizing as I would have hoped.

SEAMUS: That’s a huge b*tch.

MADAME MAXIME: *tear*

DUMBLEDORE: And now, greet the proud sons of Durmstrang and the high master, Igor Karkaroff.

GROUPS OF BOYS: *come in through the main door playing with the fire sticks*

HERMIONE: Bloody hell!

RON: Blimey, it’s Viktor Krum!

KRUM: *is apparently too good for cartwheels and somersaults, so he just walks in with Karkaroff*

Meanwhile, Outside Hogwarts

A PLOT POINT: *arrives*

Back in the Great Hall

KARKAROFF: *has a staring match with Snape*

MADAME MAXIME: Dumbledore, my horses have traveled a long way. They will need attending to.

DUMBLEDORE: Not to worry. I’ll just assign our only half-giant Hagrid to care for them.

MADAME MAXIME: Monsieur Hagrid, they only drink single malt whisky like I do.

HAGRID: I... uh... yes... I will feed your whore... uh, horsies! Yes. Hot in here?

DUMBLEDORE: Everyone! Your attention please. I’d like to say a few words. Magnifying glass, cherry blossoms, truffles, atlas, North Pole... no, I take that last one back. I’m going to hang on to that one.

STUDENTS: What... the... hell?

DUMBLEDORE: A student will be chosen from each school to compete in three tasks. The three tasks are The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

HARRY: I call the Wardrobe.

DUMBLEDORE: Just kidding. That would be absurd and much too easy. Or, hard? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Either way, the ministry has decided to add in a new rule. To explain this rule, we have brought in Bartimus Crouch all the way from the Ministry of Magic and the Department of International Magical Cooperation...

STRANGE MAN: *enters the great hall from the back entrance*

THUNDER: *thunders in the great hall*

RAIN: *rains in the great hall*

STRANGE MAN: *casts a spell at the ceiling to make the bad weather stop*

RON: It’s Mad-Eye Moody.

HERMIONE: The auror?

DEAN THOMAS: Auror?

HARRY POTTER FANS: DEAN SPEAKS!

RON: An auror is a dark wizard catcher according to Webster’s. Half the cells in Azkaban are full thanks to him.

DUMBLEDORE: My dear old friend! Thanks for coming.

MAD-EYE MOODY: You should look into getting that ceiling fixed. It never broke down in the book.

DUMBLEDORE: Indeed.

MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes a swig of plot point*

SEAMUS: Wazzat hee drinken yoo ‘spose?

HARRY: I can’t understand what Seamus is saying. Stupid Irish!

BARTY: After much deliberation, the Ministry has concluded that for their own safety, no student under the age of seventeen shall be allowed to put forth their name for the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

STUDENTS: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

DUMBLEDORE: Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilence!

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *is revealed*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Ohhhhh, pretty.

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: It’s only a model.

DUMBLEDORE: Here’s the dilly-o. Put you name in by Thursday. Once done, there is no turning back. From this moment on, the Tri-Wizard Tournament has begun!

STUDENTS: *waits for something to happen*

DUMBLEDORE: ...everyone to bed.

At the Great Hall while Everyone is Asleep

KARKAROFF: Now, to confuse the audience...

DADA Classroom

MAD-EYE MOODY: The name is Mad-Eye, you see. Dumbledore wanted me here. There are three unforgivable curses, you see. Put that gum somewhere else, Irish boy. Weasley, first curse please.

RON: The...

MAD-EYE MOODY: That’s right. The imperious curse. Goes like this, you see.

SPIDER: *gets lifted and controlled by Mad-Eye*

MAD-EYE MOODY: It’s fun to torture spiders, you see. Do you like spider, Mr. Malfoy?

DRACO: My beautiful hair!

MAD-EYE MOODY: You get the point; I can make it do whatever I want. Mr. Longbottom, next curse plzkthx.

NEVILLE: C...

MAD-EYE MOODY: Cruciatus curse. Yes, correct, you see. Also known as the torture curse. Observe!

SPIDER: *cries*

NEVILLE: *cries*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Poor Neville!

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: That curse sounds like seafood.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Miss Granger, last curse.

HERMIONE: ...

MAD-EYE MOODY: Avada Kadavra!

SPIDER: *dies and its guts squirt all over Hermione*

RON: Best. Lesson. Ever.

Spiral Stairs

HERMIONE: Are you okay, Neville?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom, I need to show you a plot point.

NEVILLE: *leaves with Moody*

Goblet Room

CEDRIC: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*

RON: *boycrushes*

GEORGE: We...

FRED: ...are...

GEORGE: ...going...

FRED: ...to...

GEORGE: ...enter...

FRED: ...our...

GEORGE: ...names.

HERMIONE: It’s not going to work.

ALL OF THE 13-YEAR-OLD BOYS: OMG, she’s looking right at me.

THE TWINS: *drink a potion and submit their names*

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: You’re fired!

DONALD TRUMP: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.

THE TWINS: *fly back and turn into old men*

THE NEW DUMBLEDORE: *does have a sense of humor after all*

KRUM: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*

HERMIONE: *boycrushes*

RON: *boycrushes*

The Goblet Room on Thursday Night

DUMBLEDORE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! The champion selection!

EVERYONE: *cheers*

DUMBLEDORE: Krum!

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air some more*

DUMBLEDORE: Fleur!

FLEUR: *fixes her hair*

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric!

CEDRIC: *blinds everyone with his smile*

ALL OF THE BOYS AT HOGWARTS: *boycrush*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: He’s only a model.

DUMBLEDORE: We have our three champions! Join us next week for another exciting episode. Same bat time, same robin channel.

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *never spits out Harry’s name and he actually has a peaceful year at Hogwarts where he watches the Tri-Wizard Tournament and Voldemort does not use him to come back...*

THE AUDIENCE: I paid ten bucks for that!?

DUMBLEDORE: *catches another name*

SNAPE: I confused.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter.

HAGRID: No.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter? Do we have a Harry Potter in this school?

HARRY: I hope not.

DUMBLEDORE: HARRY POTTER!

HERMIONE: You better go up there before he dies, too.

RICHARD HARRIS: Low blow, Cam. Low blow.

CAM: Oh, yeah? Well, writing these things isn’t actually easy. You try and think of a better joke.

RICHARD HARRIS: You could always add in farting. That is always funny.

CAM: Good point.

HERMIONE: *farts*

RON: Bloody hell!

HERMIONE: Sorry, I had a bean flavored Every Flavor Bean earlier today.

Random Area Behind the Goblet Room with Shiny Spinning Stuff

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire!?

HARRY: No, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: *slaps Harry across the face*

HARRY: *cries*

DUMBLEDORE: Don’t lie to me boy!

HARRY: I’m not lying!

MADAME MAXIME: He’s lying!

MAD-EYE MOODY: You have to be a pretty good wizard to have hoodwinked that, you see.

DUMBLEDORE: Nevertheless, I leave this to you, Barty.

BARTY: He is a Tri... erm... Quad-Wizard Champion.

Dumbledore’s Office

MCGONAGALL: Something is not right here.

DUMBLEDORE: What do you think we should do?

MCGONAGALL: Don’t let Potter compete.

DUMBLEDORE: That would be too easy and there wouldn’t be much of a story.

SNAPE: We should let him compete so we can find out what is going on.

DUMBLEDORE: Good idea, Severus. I trust you completely.

CAM: Me too.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Hisssssssss.

DUMBLEDORE: Keep an eye on him Mad-Eye.

MAD-EYE MOODY: I’ll keep my best one on him.

DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*

Gryffindor Boy’s Dormitories

RON: How’d you do it?

HARRY: *emotear*

RON: Nevermind. I hate you.

HARRY: I hate myself.

RON: Good!

HARRY: Fine!

RON: Piss off!

PISS OFF: *is the real reason this movie got a PG-13 rating*

Another Random Room in Hogwarts

RITA: I’m Rita Skeeter and I write for the Daily Prophet.

DAVE CHAPELLE: Skeet, skeet, skeet!

RITA: I need to interview all of you. Let’s start with the main character, shall we?

CEDRIC: *starts going with her*

RITA: Nice try, pretty boy, but I meant him.

HARRY: *follows Rita into a broom closet*

RITA: *rubs suggestively past Harry*

HARRY: *is reminded of cub scouts*

RITA: How old are you?

HARRY: Fourteen.

RITA: Twelve!? Great. And how do you feel about your parents dying?

HARRY: I don’t see how that applies to...

RITA: Really sad!? Good. And who does your wand?

HARRY: Well, I bought it at...

RITA: You stole it!? Tsk, tsk.

The Owl Tower of Poop

HARRY: Why is the Owlery, like, four miles away from school?

SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *lands with a letter*

HARRY: You’re not Hedwig, but I assume this letter is for me.

LETTER: Dear Harry, We need to talk face to molten lava face. Meet me in the Gryffindor common room on Saturday night at one o’clock eastern time, two central. Love, Sirius. P.S. Careful, the bird poops.

SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *poops*

RICHARD HARRIS: Alas, another good joke!

Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: Sirius?

SIRIUS: *appears in the fireplace looking like the Thing from Fantastic Four*

HARRY: Worst Marvel movie ever!

SIRIUS: I don’t have much time, Harry. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?

HARRY: No. How did you even know about that?

SIRIUS: I read Rita Skeeter’s article in the Daily Prophet. Harry, you are so emo. Now, tell me about this nightmare.

HARRY: Well, Voldemort and Wormtail are there, and then there is a third man.

SIRIUS: Who?

HARRY: If I knew, it wouldn’t be much of a movie, now would it?

SIRIUS: Yes, well, Hogwarts is obviously not safe anymore. Did you know that Karkaroff was a Death Eater?

HARRY: That guy? He barely speaks any English.

SIRIUS: Also, Barty Crouch is bad.

HARRY: Who here isn’t bad?

SIRIUS: Good point. Be careful in the tournament, Harry.

GARY OLDMAN: *collects his pay check and leaves… his job is done*

HARRY: That was a waste of time.

RON: Who are you talking to?

HARRY: Your mom!

RON: Impossible. She’s not even in this one.

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Okay, we get it. The book is better.

Lake

NEVILLE: Harry, look at these awesome plot points!

HARRY: Not right now, Neville.

HERMIONE: Harry, Ron wanted me to tell you that Seamus told him that Snape told him that Dumbledore told him that Charlie told him that Neville told him that Angelina told her that Colin told him that Jimmy told him that Andrew told him that Cho told her that Roger told him that Susan told her that Rose told her that Bole told him that Malcom told him that Harper told him that Poliakoff told him that Hagrid is looking for you.

HARRY: You’re going to have to repeat that.

HERMIONE: This is stupid. You two are acting like girls.

RON: Girls?

HERMIONE: Yeah, you know, like a boy, but with a vagina.

HARRY: Oh, I think I have one of those!

HERMIONE, RON, AND GINNY: *stare at Harry for 5.2 seconds*

Forest

HARRY: What did you want from me, Hagrid?

HAGRID: Check this out...

DRAGON: ROAR!

HARRY: *wets himself*

Hogwarts Grounds

BADGE: Potter stinks!

HARRY: *puts on deodorant*

CEDRIC: Those weren’t my idea.

HARRY: I don’t care. Look, because I have a crush on you and all, I’m going to tell you that the first task is dragons.

CEDRIC: Cool! Do we ride the dragons!?!?

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: Do we play football with the dragons!?

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: OH! Do we cook with the dragons!?

HARRY: We’re going to fight them.

CEDRIC: ...

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: ...and then we’re going to play football with them, right?

RON AND SEAMUS: *enter stage right*

HARRY: You suck, Ron!

RON: Okay.

DRACO: Hey, Potter! I bet you’re going to go down like a sack of cranberries in this tournament!

HARRY: I don’t understand the analogy.

DRACO: Well... you see... cranberries... sack...

HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: Awww... Draco stumbles his words around Harry. Cute!

HARRY: You are a pathetic.

DRACO: *takes out his wand*

CAM: Calm down, H/D shippers. A real wand.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Ferret!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Bounce him against the ceiling!

MAD-EYE MOODY: *puts ferretDraco in Goyle’s pants*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Now that is a pleasant surprise.

MCGONAGALL: Professor Moody, is that a student?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Maybe...

MCGONAGALL: *turns Draco back into human*

DRACO: *runs away crying*

Mad-Eye’s Study

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

HARRY: What’s in the chest?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Oh, nothing. Just a plot point. So, what are you going to do about the dragon?

HARRY: Um...

MAD-EYE MOODY: What are you good at?

HARRY: I made a really good piece of macaroni art back in second year.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Here’s a hint Harry: broom.

HARRY: Oh, I know! My broom!

Task 1 Waiting Tent

HERMIONE: Harry, be careful out there.

HARRY: Okay.

HERMIONE: *leaphug*

HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: I’m SO making that my desktop background.

DUMBLEDORE: Alright, everyone gather around so you can pick your dragon. What are you doing here Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: I was... um... I’m out.

FLEUR: *picks the Welch’s Grape Juice Dragon*

KRUM: *picks the Chinese Rice Dragon*

CEDRIC: *picks the Swedish Meatballs Dragon*

HARRY: Crap, that leaves the...

BARTY: ...the Hungarian Horntail.

HARRY: Can I have some rice instead?

BARTY: Each dragon is protecting a golden egg. You must capture that egg so that you can perform the next task. Any questions?

KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me.

BARTY: That’s not a question.

KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me?

BARTY: No.

The Other Contestants Perform but We Only Get to See Harry

HARRY: This sucks.

DUMBLEDORE: And now, our fourth and final contestant.

HARRY: *walks out into stadium*

DRAGON: Fire!

HARRY: Argh!

DRAGON: Now, if I roll above a 10, I take all of your gold.

HARRY: Okay, but if you roll under a 10, I get my broom.

DRAGON: *rolls dice*

DICE: 8.

HARRY: Yes! Fly away!

DRAGON: Oh no you don’t!

HARRY: *flies to Hogwarts*

DRAGON: *follows and destroys some towers*

HARRY: *flies to some bridge*

DRAGON: *runs into some bridge and dies*

PETA: That dragon deserved to live a free life!

PENN: Shut up you terrorists!

TELLER: ...

PETA: That’s it, we’re suing!

HARRY: Um... hello... I won.

THE AUDIENCE: Yay!

Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: Should I open this egg?

STUDENTS: Yes!

HARRY: *opens egg*

EGG: VuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUDENTS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HARRY: *closes egg*

RON: Bloody hell!

HARRY: Talking to me now, are you?

RON: I believe you didn’t put your name in.

HARRY AND RON: *kiss and make up*

HARRY/RON SHIPPERS: *kiss and make up*

J.K. ROWLING: You all are weird.

Lunch at the Great Hall

NIGEL: Parcel for you Mr. Weasley.

RON: Thanks.

NIGEL: *stares at Harry*

HARRY: *pretends not to notice*

RON: Not now. Go away.

HERMIONE: What was that about?

RON: I promised him a kiss from Harry.

HARRY: Ron, you know the only boy I kiss is you.

RON: Oh look, Mom... erm, I mean, DAD sent me a gift! It’s... a dress.

HARRY: Sweet. Now we can stop using towels for dresses while playing “house.”

HERMIONE: Those are dress robes.

RON: What for?

Assembly Room

MCGONAGALL: A dance!

GIRLS: Yay!

BOYS: *moan and groan*

MCGONAGALL: Mr. Weasley, come dance with me.

RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Yay!

HARRY POTTER FANS: There’s no Ron/Minerva ship.

RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Oh, yes there is! We meet at the coffee house on Tuesdays.

Hogwarts Grounds

RON: So, how does one ask one of these girls out?

HARRY: Like so.

GROUP OF GIRLS: *glare of death*

RON: Did they say "yes"?

Some Hall in Hogwarts

HAGRID: My mum was a giant. She was lovely, but I didn’t get to know her very well.

MADAME MAXIME: Sounds like a Freudian complex.

HAGRID: ...

Lakeside

THE TRIO: *sit emo like*

KRUM: *walks by*

GROUP OF GIRLS: *boycrush*

KATE BOSWORTH: *bluecrushes on the lake’s waves*

HERMIONE: *is jealous?*

Classroom

RON: This is mad...

SNAPE: *forcefully turns Ron’s head around towards his work*

RON: We need dates.

FRED: *throws Ron a note*

RON: Aren’t you in a different year than us?

NOTE: Watch.

FRED: *uses wizard ASL to get Angelina Johnson to go to the ball with him*

RON: *tries to use this wizard ASL on Hermione*

SNAPE: *hits Ron in the head... then Harry’s just for the heck of it*

RON: Bloody hell!

SNAPE: I love my job.

The Owlery

CHO: Harry!

HARRY: Cho!

CHO: ...

HARRY: ...

CHO: Ice is slippery.

HARRY: Yes... slippery when wet.

CHO: ...

HARRY: ...

CHO: I’m going to head back...

HARRY: Chowillyoupleasegototheballwithme.

CHO: I’m already going with someone else.

OWLS: Oh, burn!

Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: *cuddles with golden egg*

RON: *is carried in by girls*

HARRY: What happened?

GINNY: He asked Fleur out.

HERMIONE: No!

RON: Yes!

HERMIONE: Yes?

RON: No.

HARRY: Great. Where are we ever going to find dates!?

PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry.

HARRY: Think, Harry, think.

PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry!

HARRY: Me plus Ron equals two. We need two girls…

PATIL TWINS: HI, HARRY!

HARRY: Twins? Two? Girls! I got it!

PATIL TWINS: We’d love to.

HARRY: Love to what? Where are the Wesley twins? I need to ask them to the ball.

PATIL TWINS: ...

Gryffindor Boys Dorms

RON: Bloody hell! I look horrible.

HARRY: I look hot.

RON: Your dress robes look normal! How come mine can’t look like that!?

HARRY: I know... it’s funny... your mom, erm, dad bought these for me, too.

Dancehall

RON: Looks like Hermione is not coming.

PADMA: Oh. My. Gosh. Your dress robes are...

RON: ...traditional.

PADMA: Well, I was going to say straight up ugly.

PAVARTI: She looks beautiful.

HARRY: Yes. Cho has this deep Asian beauty to her.

PAVARTI: I’m talking about her.

HARRY: *turns around to see Hermione looking... well... hawt*

CAM: *is going to hell*

KRUM: *takes Hermione’s hand*

HERMIONE: *giggles like a school girl... well, she is one... you get it*

CAM: *is still going to hell*

Yule Ball.................... yee-haw!

PADMA: Is that Hermione?

RON: No, that girl is way too hot.

THE CHAMPIONS AND THEIR DATES: *enter stage door*

PAVARTI: Take my waist, Harry.

HARRY: Uh...

GINNY: *cries*

NEVILLE: *looks like a vampire*

PADMA: *cries*

RON: *cries*

HERMIONE: *smiles*

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air*

JAMES LIPTON: Brilliant actor.

MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes another swig of plot point*

EVERYONE: *starts dancing*

THE WEIRD SISTERS: *suck*

HERMIONE: Isn’t Viktor wonderful?

RON: No.

HERMIONE: What’s got your wand in a knot?

NO ONE: *seems to pick up on that bad metaphor*

RON: He’s stupid.

HERMIONE: This coming from a person who called him more than a man.

RON: That was a phase I went through. It’s over now!

Gryffindor Boy Dorms

HARRY: *has a nightmare about Voldemort, Wormtail, and Mr. Unknown Man again*

NEVILLE: Harry!

HARRY: What?

NEVILLE: Nothing. Just that... I WAS THE MAN TONIGHT!

Some Random Hogwarts Bridge

HERMIONE: Harry, you need to figure out that golden egg.

HARRY: I know, but the sun beaming off of the horizon tells me that my soul is withering.

HERMIONE: Your emoness is getting the best of you.

CEDRIC: You know what I do in that situation?

HARRY: Cut yourself?

CEDRIC: No. I take a bath... with my egg.

Prefect Bathroom Where a Scene is Meant to be Humorous, but Just Comes Off as Really, Really Creepy

HARRY: *removes his clothes*

ALL THE GIRLS SAY: Hey babe, babe. Hey babe, babe, hey!

MYRTLE: Maybe you should put it in the water.

HARRY: I was about to put the egg in the water.

MYRTLE: Not the egg, Harry...

HARRY: Look, I’d be much more comfortable if you weren’t in here while I do this.

MYRTLE: Oh, come on. I’m like 35-years-old.

CAM: Yeah, and the reason female teachers sleep with there teenage male students.

MYRTLE: I found polyjuice potion in the toilet the other day.

HARRY: It’s not mine... honestly!

MYRTLE: Suuuuuuuure.

HARRY: *dips egg into water*

EGG: Second task. Lake. Merpeople. La la la la la.

Library

HARRY: Something about mermaids and the lake.

HERMIONE: I confused.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Granger... Weasley...

RON: I wasn’t staring at her butt!

MAD-EYE MOODY: No, Professor McGonagall would like to see you both.

RON: You think she’s caught on?

HERMIONE: Shut up.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom! Help Harry with his breathing underwaterness.

HARRY: I don’t think anything you have will help me Neville.

NEVILLE: I have gillyweed.

HARRY: I’m not going to do drugs, Neville.

Lakeside

HARRY: You got what I want?

NEVILLE: Yeah, but it’s gonna cost you.

HARRY: What do you want?

NEVILLE: I ask for it later.

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to the second task. The four champions must go to the bottom of the lake to rescue what they truly treasure.

HARRY: My broom is down there?

KRUM: My fists are down there?

FLEUR: My acting career is down there?

CEDRIC: I’M DOWN THERE!?!?

DUMBLEDORE: Go!

THE CHAMPIONS: *jump in*

HARRY: *turns into a fishy*

MER-SOMETHING: Bahhhhh!

FLEUR: I’m out.

HARRY: *approaches Ron, Hermione, Gabrielle, and Cho*

KRUM: *is a shark and takes Hermione*

CEDRIC: *has a plastic bag around his face and rescues Cho*

HARRY: *being the nice guy that he is, rescues Ron and Gabrielle*

FLEUR: Ron, I love you! Maybe one day I will marry you, or someone in your family.

RON: Ginny?

BARTY: Well done Potter.

HARRY: Thanks much.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello father... I mean... Barty.

BARTY: *confusingly walks away*

Dark Forest

HAGRID: Remember how rascally you kids were back in the first movie?

RON: I remember when my hair actually looked like a boy’s.

HARRY: Hey, there’s a dead guy here.

HAGRID: Yeah, you guys use to say that type of stuff, too.

HARRY: It looks like Mr. Crouch was conveniently killed after the last scene.

Dumbledore’s Office

DUMBLEDORE: You must cancel the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

FUDGE: No.

DUMBLEDORE: You are being a big doo-doo head.

FUDGE: You’re the doo-doo head!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Excuse me, but it may interest you to know that this name calling session is no longer private.

HARRY: *appears behind an open door*

FUDGE: Harry!

HARRY: I just got here, I swear!

DUMBLEDORE: I think it is time you should leave, Minister. Harry, help yourself to some black rocks.

HARRY: These things taste like rocks. Ooooooooo, shiny!

PENSIEVE: I eat you Harry Potter!

HARRY: *falls intothepensieve.com*

Courtroom

HARRY: Professor?

DUMBLEDORE: *sits*

MAN: Professor.

DUMBLEDORE: *shakes man’s hand through Harry’s body*

HARRY: Bad touch!

BARTY: Igor Karkaroff, you are a bad, bad man with mean feelings. What have you to say about this?

KARKAROFF: I know Death Eaters.

BARTY: Go on.

KARKAROFF: They know me.

BARTY: Mmmhmm.

KARKAROFF: ...and the green grass grows all around and around…

BARTY: On with it!

KARKAROFF: Rosier!

BARTY: Dead!

KARKAROFF: Rookwood!

BARTY: Okay!

KARKAROFF: Snape!

DUMBLEDORE: Bull crap!

KARKAROFF: I swear!

BARTY: You are wrong! Meeting adjourned!

KARKAROFF: I know one more!

BARTY: Who?

KARKAROFF: Barty Crouch!

BARTY: I’m not a Death Eater!

KARKAROFF: Junior!

THE AUDIENCE: *finds out that Barty Crouch, Jr. was the unknown man from the beginning of the movie*

BC JR.: *runs towards the middle of the room where anyone can get him*

MAD-EYE MOODY: Since I’m the only one with my wand out...

BC JR.: *is struck with a curse and is dog-piled*

BARTY: You are not my son.

BC JR.: Mom had an affair!?!?

BARTY: No, I mean like I am so disappointed in you that I disown you.

BC JR.: Oh, that makes sense.

Back in Dumbledore’s Study

HARRY: *flies outthepensieve.com.org.uk.net.mil.gov*

DUMBLEDORE: You weren’t looking at any of my... dirty thoughts?

HARRY: No, sir. What happened to Barty’s son?

DUMBLEDORE: Barty sent his son to Azkaban. End of story.

HARRY: But, I see him in my dreams...

DUMBLEDORE: END OF STORY!

HARRY: Hum.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, remember the first three movies? Your curiosity always got the best of you and you got yourself into trouble. I suggest, for this year, you just keep doing what you’re supposed to do. Focus on finishing the Quad-Wizard Tournament. There is no way anything bad can happen if you don’t meddle in things that you’re not supposed to meddle in.

HARRY: Yes, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*

HARRY: Wow, that was a big one.

School Corridor

HARRY: *whistles*

KARKAROFF: It’s a sign!

SNAPE AND KARKAROFF: *see Harry*

KARKAROFF: I must tend to my... beard.

SNAPE: I know what you did last summer, Harry.

HARRY: Pardon?

SNAPE: You stole some of my bubble tea... erm, bubble juice.

HARRY: No, I dadn’t!

SNAPE: Don’t lie, or I’ll pump you so full of Veritaserum that you’ll tell me all of your wicked fantasies!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE FANS: Do it!

HARRY: Pshhh... whatever.

Arena

DUMBLEDORE: A plot point was placed in the middle of this maze by Professor Moody. First one to reach it wins eternal sunshine!

HARRY POTTER FANS: I don’t remember Dumbledore saying that.

CAM: Exactly...

THE CHAMPIONS: *huddle around Dumbledore*

DUMBLEDORE: You won’t find any creatures in the maze.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Why not!?

DUMBLEDORE: Be wary, you might lose yourself.

CEDRIC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DUMBLEDORE: Prepare yourselves.

AMOS: Good luck, son.

CEDRIC: Dad... I’ll be fine.

DUMBLEDORE: On the count of three... ONE...

CANNON: BOOM!

WHAT FILCH HEARD: Three, three, three!

HARRY: *enters the maze as the giant shrubs close him in*

Maze

EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *begins to play*

CEDRIC: *wanders*

GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!

CEDRIC: Wahhhhhhh! Not my hair!

KRUM: *peeks around a corner; his eyes are glazed over*

FLEUR: *runs like a girl*

HARRY: *hears Fleur scream and feels that he must go investigate*

FLEUR: *passes out on the ground*

KRUM: *stands over Fleur*

MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!

FLEUR: Wahhhhhhh! Not my acting career!

HARRY: *sees Krum and hides right in the open*

KRUM: *sees Harry and ignores him*

HARRY: *runs over to Fleur and shoots up fireworks*

THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhhhh!

GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!

HARRY: Wahhhhhhh! Not my youth!

CEDRIC: Look out!

HARRY: *looks out*

CEDRIC: Expelliarmus!

KRUM: Wahhhhhhh! Not my...

THE AUDIENCE: ...fists. Yeah, we got it.

CAM: O rly? I was going to say "crooked wand".

HARRY: Don’t kill him! He’s bewitched.

CEDRIC: Sorry, I never watched that show.

HARRY: You really aren’t very intelligent, huh?

CEDRIC: You wouldn’t happen to have any hair gel on you?

HARRY: The cup!

HARRY AND CEDRIC: *run towards the cup while hitting each other*

MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!

CEDRIC: Not again! Harry!

HARRY: *stops and ponders helping Cedric or going for the cup*

CEDRIC: Help me, Harry! It’s in your character!

EMINEM: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow; this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, you better...

HARRY: Reducto!

CEDRIC: Thanks.

HARRY: Yep.

CEDRIC: So, how about those Mets?

HARRY: I prefer Chicago.

CEDRIC: White Sox or Cubs?

HARRY: White Sox.

CEDRIC: Band wagon-whore.

WIND: Whoosh!

CEDRIC: Go on, take the cup.

HARRY: No, we do it together.

EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *stops playing*

HARRY AND CEDRIC: *grab the cup/portkey at the same time and are teleported to a graveyard*

Graveyard

CEDRIC: Where are we?

HARRY: Not good.

CEDRIC: What are you talking about?

HARRY: *grabs his scar in pain*

WORMTAIL: *walks out*

CEDRIC: Who are you?

VOLDEMORT: Kill him.

WORMTAIL: Avada Kadavra!

CEDRIC: *dies*

HARRY: Noooooooooooo! His beautiful, beautiful hair!

STATUE: I’m gonna eat you!

HARRY: *gets trapped by statue*

VOLDEMORT: Do it!

WORMTAIL: *drops Voldemort into a cauldron full of murky water*

HARRY: OMGWTF!?

WORMTAIL: Now... sugar... spice... and everything nice.

CAULDRON: *turns into giant fetus*

VOLDEMORT: I’m baaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaack.

HARRY: He’s back!?

WORMTAIL: He’s back.

VOLDEMORT: Give me my wand.

WORMTAIL: *hands him what looks like a bone*

VOLDEMORT: *casts summon spell on death eaters... snazzy cut-scene ensues*

DEATH EATERS: *appear*

VOLDEMORT: I’m incredibly disappointed in all of you.

LUCIUS: Even me?

VOLDEMORT: Especially you!

WORMTAIL: Even me?

VOLDEMORT: Yes, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yes, but no, but… here’s a new hand.

WORMTAIL: Sweet cheese!

VOLDEMORT: *boycrushes on Cedric’s dead body*

HARRY: You stay away from him! He’s mine!

VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah. You. I can touch you.

HARRY: I say, that is mighty uncomfortable.

VOLDEMORT: Pick up your wand Potter, let us duel. First, we bow…

HARRY: *runs away*

VOLDEMORT: Wuss.

HARRY: No one calls me a wuss! I’ll turn this place into a BK if I have to; you can have it your way.

VOLDEMORT AND HARRY: *perform spells which meet into a wonderful display of electricity*

DEATH EATERS: Ohhhh, pretty.

CEDRIC-GHOST: *floats out*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: *floats out*

JAMES AND LILY POTTER-GHOSTS: *float out*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I still confused.

JAMES-GHOST: Harry, when we say, grab the cup and go back to Hogwarts.

HARRY: It’s not a cup, Dad. It’s a portkey.

JAMES-GHOST: Boy, I swear, don’t make me turn you upside-down right here.

CEDRIC-GHOST: Harry, do me a favor and take my awesome bod’ back with you.

LILY-GHOST: Do it now!

HARRY: Geez, love you guys, too.

THE CONNECTION: *breaks*

CEDRIC, JAMES, AND LILY-GHOSTS: *distract Voldemort*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I think I left the tea kettle on.

HARRY: *grabs Cedric and the portkey*

VOLDEMORT: [Vadar] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! [/Vadar]

Arena

HARRY: *appears with Cedric’s dead body*

THE CROWD: *cheers*

DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, Cedric is dead!

THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *continue cheering*

MADAME MAXIME: *shakes head*

THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *stop cheering*

AMOS: My son! My poor son! His hair! It’s horrible!

DUMBLEDORE: What happened?

HARRY: I am really craving Burger King.

AMOS: ...me too.

DUMBLEDORE: Mad-Eye, get Harry out of here.

Mad-Eye’s Study

MAD-EYE MOODY: So, Harry, what was he like?

HARRY: Well, I was all like, don’t kill Cedric, and he was all like, I’m going to kill Cedric. And I was like, no, don’t. And he was like, yes, I will. And then he was dead.

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...

HARRY: ...

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...that sounds just like something Lord Voldemort would say.

HARRY: Uh huh...

MAD-EYE MOODY: *starts having a seizure*

HARRY: Are you okay?

MAD-EYE MOODY: *tries to drink some plot point*

MAD-EYE’S PLOT POINT FLASK: *is empty*

MAD-EYE MOODY: How many people were there in the graveyard?

HARRY: Seven... NO... WAIT! ...eight... maybe?

MAD-EYE MOODY: You do realize that you never told me that this all occurred in a graveyard, right?

HARRY: Yeah... so?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Wait for it...

TEN MINUTES: *goes by*

HARRY: HEY! I never told you that this occurred in a graveyard!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Let me drink your blood!

HARRY: That’s not what normal wizards do.

MAD-EYE MOODY: I set everything up so that you could bring back Voldemort.

HARRY: No wai!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Ya wai!

DUMBLEDORE: O rly?

MAD-EYE-MOODY: Ya rly... wait...

DUMBLEDORE: Expelliarmus!

MAD-EYE MOODY: *flies back*

SNAPE: *give Mad-Eye some anti-plot point*

DUMBLEDORE: Say my name!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Albus... Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: Are you Mad-Eye Moody!?

MAD-EYE MOODY: What... do... you... think?

DUMBLEDORE: I think about fairies and gumdrops on cloudy afternoons. I think of eating lemon drops when the sky begins to turn gray. I think of harmonies lifting up into the air as rain falls from the sky. I think these things.

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...

SNAPE: ...

HARRY: ...

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: ...

CAM’S READERS: ...

CAM: ...

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, and I think you are not Moody. Is the real Moody in this room!?

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: Yes!

SNAPE: *opens chest*

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: *opens and opens and opens and opens and opens*

THE REAL SLIM MOODY: I’ve failed you Dumbledore.

HARRY: Wait... how can he be in there and be right there?

SNAPE: Ever messed with polyjuice potion?

HARRY: Yea... I mean, no! No... what is that...?

THE FAKE MOODY: *begins to shape shift like Matrix agents*

DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior.

BC JR.: I would have gotten away with this if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

SHAGGY: I’m hungry.

SCOOBY DOO: Ra-row.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: *laughs*

BC JR.: You know what this means, right?

HARRY: We get it. Scooby snack were drugs and…

BC JR.: NO! It means that Lord Voldemort is back.

DUMBLEDORE: Send him back to Azkaban.

The Great Hall of Hogwarts

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory is dead.

PAULY SHORE: *thinks that would make a great movie*

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort.

ALL OF THE GIRLS: *cry*

DUMBLEDORE: The friendships that we have made this year are very important! Remember! Remember, remember the 5th of November! Remember that!

Boys Dorms

DUMBLEDORE: *enters*

HARRY: *wonders if he needs an adult*

DUMBLEDORE: Whoever the interior decorator was for these dorms ought to be shot.

HARRY: Yes... I... that is also what I think.

DUMBLEDORE: I’m a pyro Harry.

HARRY: Ooh! Ooh! Do you know Johnny Depp!?

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: Orlando Bloom?

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: Keira Knightly, if you like that sort of thing...

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, do you know what a pyromaniac is?

HARRY: Something about chestnuts frozen at the Earth’s equator.

DUMBLEDORE: That doesn’t make any sense.

HARRY: It doesn’t have to, sir. It doesn’t have to.

DUMBLEDORE: I don’t know why I try to explain things to you at the end of these.

HARRY: Well, sir. You are a pyro.

DUMBLEDORE: Your parents are dead, Voldemort is going to make your life a living Hell, and people very close to you will die.

HARRY: *is speechless*

DUMBLEDORE: Very close to you.

HARRY: ...

DUMBLEDORE: *winks*

HARRY: You’re not going to start a fire now, are you?

Hogwarts Courtyard

KRUM: Hermione, this is for you.

HERMIONE: *takes piece of paper*

KRUM: If you fill out quick survey, you can get two free dinners at Olive Garden.

HERMIONE: I will...

GABRIELLE: *kisses Ron*

FLEUR: *kisses Ron*

RON: I... you know... all in a day’s...

FLEUR: Do you have an older brother?

RON: ...Ginny?

HARRY: *emo walks*

DURMSTRANG’S SHIP: *fires cannon*

HAGRID: Good lord! Ze Germans are attacking again!

RON: *parkours onto a ledge*

HERMIONE: Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?

HARRY: Duh!

FORREST GUMP: *isn’t sure if he’s allowed to laugh*

FIN.

Bloody Hell, Harry?

2006-08-04T06:11:00.001-07:00

CAM: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in D/S next week. That is, as long as the movers didn't lose my computer.

EDIT 8/15/06: I can't talk.

CAM: HP and the GoF D/S sometime this week.

Just for Nick

2006-06-06T15:30:00.002-07:00

CAM: My brother-in-law likes this site, so I decided to post a D/S that I had done awhile ago on a different web site just for him. It was about how I always confuse Amanda Bynes and Michelle Trachtenberg.

GUY 1: Dude, I totally got to kiss Amanda Bynes the other day.

GUY 2: Who?

CAM: Don't worry, it gets funnier.

GUY 1: You know! The girl from All That and I think she was in Ice Princess.

GUY 2: No, Michelle Trachtenberg was in that movie.

GUY 1: Really? I thought it was Amanda.

GUY 2: No, Amanda Bynes was in that movie What A Girl Wants.

GUY 1: Didn't Christina Aguilera sing that song?

GUY 2: Yeah, she's so hot. But her one song for Moulin Rouge was the best.

GUY 1: Yeah, with Mya and Lil' Kim and Pink. Mya is so hot.

GUY 2: She looked good in that one music video All About Me.

GUY 1: Yeah...

GUY 2: ...

GUY 1: ...

GUY 2: Who did you kiss again?

GUY 1: I forgot.

AMANDA BYNES: Hey guys.

GUY 2: I loved Ice Princess.

AMANDA BYNES: ...me... too?

GUY 2: *smiles*

GUY 1: Wait... *looks at Amanda closely*

AMANDA BYNES: *bites lower lip*

GUY 1: *turns to Guy 2* ...I mean I totally got to kiss Michelle Trachtenberg the other day.

AMANDA BYNES: ...

GUY 2: ...

GUY 1: ...

AMANDA BYNES: Wasn't she in What A Girl Wants?

CAM: And what's really funny is that a couple months ago, Family Guy made the same joke as me about confusing the two actresses. I should sue.

Hiatus

2006-03-22T06:55:00.001-08:00

CAM: I'm going on a temporary hiatus since I have absolutely no time to make entries. I am busy with out-processing and don't have access to this site at work anymore. So, don't expect any updates until June 2006. I look forward to coming back and telling you all about my adventures.

The Next D/S

2006-02-25T22:50:00.002-08:00

CAM: In hopes to keep my fans (and more importantly, my celebrities) happy and continuing to come back to this site, I am ready to announce the next D/S that I will be releasing. It is...

...HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE!!!

Six Degrees of Tom Cruise

2006-02-20T00:09:00.001-08:00

CAM: I guess Tom Cruise told his friends about my site, so now I am getting more e-mails complimenting me.

KATIE HOLMES (Actress): Visiting My Life in D/S has helped Tom and I have a baby. A nice alien baby.

PENÉLOPE CRUZ EX-CRUISE SÁNCHEZ (Actress): *eats a carrot*

NICOLE KIDMAN (Actress): I use to be really mad about my life and confused on why Tom left me. My Life in D/S has shown me that I can still act in award-winning movies and date a cowboy who is surprisingly not gay.

LENNY KRAVITZ (Musician): I confess, that I like D/S, it's the very best, just like a bulletproof vest. I surf there all the time, laughing at lines, and making rhymes. Oh, I want to get away, I want to flllllllllyyyyyyyyyy away! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

STEVIE WONDER (Musician): I can't see My Life in D/S, but if I could, I bet I would see miracles!

PRINCE (Formerly Known Artist): My Life in D/S is like purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?

SALMA HAYEK (Actress): Mi Vida en el D/S es un gran sitio web. He dicho todos yo sé ir allí. Las galletas del queso y la pasta de cacahuete son los mejores alimentos que he probado jamás.

KEVIN SMITH (Director): I wonder what it's like being the person to write D/S. I mean, they must be someone who gets away from the front of their computer. They have to go out sometime. It'd be weird to go out and bump into them by accident. For all we know, they could be living right next door. The guy next door does have a good sense of humor and he does have a house as big as mine. However, my comic book collection is way more impressive than his. Of course, he doesn't have one, so that helps. I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I think a Star Wars analogy would do it best. Remember when Princess Leia and Han are standing on the bridge in Ewok Town? Well, the way that Carrie... *he kind of keeps talking, but everyone seems to tune out*

SILENT BOB (Movie Character): ...

JAY (Movie Character): Alright ****er, you're starting to reach into ****in' fictional territory here. If anyone named Jay did ****in' send you a compliment, then it most like isn't who you ****in' thinking.

JENNY MCCARTHY (Actress): I like My Life in Double D's.

HOWARD STERN (Radio Host): I surf My Life in D/S while I'm naked with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand. It's the best ****in' site in... what!?!? What the ****!?!? I can't swear on this site!?!? Screw this! I'm going back to satellite radio!

RUSH LIMBAUGH (Radio Host): My Life in D/S is the biggest liberal bull crap that I have ever read! The only good web site is MY site! ...good joke about JFK though.

GEORGE W. BUSH (U.S. President): Does it look like I have time to visit your interrouterwebswtichsite?

OSAMA BIN LADEN (Al Qaeda Founder): You know what I hate? Pop-up ads. Here in [undisclosed location], we have no Ad Aware software. How many times must I be asked how to make my free iPod's penis very rich?

Famous People

2006-02-12T08:14:00.003-08:00

CAM: My Life in D/S is growing in popularity, but hasn't quite reached the level I've wanted. However, here is what a few famous people have had to say...

TOM CRUISE (Actor): On behalf of the Church of Scientology, My Life in D/S is amazing. Extensive research of D/S shows that not only is it scientific, but that it's funny! *gets down from couch*

BILL GATES (Microsoft Chairman): Until I visited My Life in D/S, my life felt empty and incomplete. But, after I visited the site, my Microsoft stock started rising again! Thanks My Life in D/S!

JAY LENO (TV Host): My abnormally large chin accidently made me go to My Life in D/S. It was the best mistake my chin ever made aside from that spring break incident last year.

KELLY CLARKSON (American Idol Winner): Without My Life in D/S, I wouldn't have made it to the end of American Idol. I owe much of my success to D/S.

SIMON COWELL (American Idol Judge): My Life in D/S is, by far, the worst singing I have ever heard. It is really funny though! *sort of cracks a smile... can't tell*

STEVEN SPIELBERG (Director): I want to make a movie out of My Life in D/S!

PARIS HILTON (Still not sure what she really does...): My Life in D/S is the only thing that I haven't slept with. I don't think I ever will either because it's so pure and gentle.

TERI HATCHER (Actress): D/S is the only thing that has been able to make me, a woman well over 40, look as young as a 20-year-old. Thanks plastic surgery!

DICK CHENEY (U.S. Vice President): I started going to My Life in D/S for my cardiovascular problems, but it didn't help because D/S is just so darn funny.

AL GORE (Former U.S. Vice President): I lost the Presidential election because I didn't visit My Life in D/S. I can say that it is thanks to me that My Life in D/S is on the Internet because I invented it.

MICHAEL MOORE (Controversial Director): My Life in D/S helped me lose 150 lbs. in just three weeks!

DISCLAIMER: My Life in D/S does not take responsibilty for Michael Moore re-gaining that weight, plus some, in just three days.

320 GB

2006-02-09T21:41:00.001-08:00

CAM: I received my new hard drive on Tuesday. Three hundred and twenty gigs of pure downloading pleasure. I spent my last two days off tranferring all of my media files (about 110 GB of information) over to my new hard drive. Therefore, I did not have much time to write.

CAM'S READERS: Excuses, excuses.

CAM: I work this weekend, which totally bites. But, I will try to work on my latest D/S at work since it will be slow and everyone else should be at home.

CAM'S READERS: I'll be at home. Enjoying MY weekend off.

CAM: You win.

Progress

2006-01-31T22:53:00.001-08:00

CAM: I worked on my new D/S for awhile these past two days. I noticed that it is significantly longer than Forrest Gump D/S. I'm about 60% done and it is already about 1.5 the length of FG DS. Other than the length (which I hope won't turn people off), the new D/S is coming along very well. My wife has been reading (or should I say proof-reading) and can't stop laughing. That is always a good sign that something is funny.

CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.

CAM: Yes... yes you will. I have also been working on more Forrest Gump icons since they make me laugh.

CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.

National Lampoon's Shopping Run

2006-01-29T05:57:00.002-08:00

CAM: Every weekend, someone on my working crew is responsible for going to the commissary (grocery store) to shop for our snack fund. Our snack fund consists of the essentials: chips, cookies, candy, soda, etc. Well, today was my turn. I went to the commissary where I was told repeatedly that there is a sale on boneless frozen chicken in aisle 12. I must have heard the announcer say that 10 times while I was in the store. It was how he said it that stood out:

ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, Ramstein commissary shoppers. Today, we are having a sale on boneless frozen chicken. Original price is $4.79. WHOOSH! Take that $1.50 off coupon! WHOOSH! Now, it's only $3.29.

CAM: As if I didn't know how to subtract numbers with decimals.

KID WALKING BY: WHOOSH!

A MOTHER WALKING BY: WHOOSH! Hehe.

CAM: Oh, no.

ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale... more WHOOSH*

AIR FORCE SERGEANT: WHOOSH! Ha!

COMMISSARY STAFF MEMBER: WHOOSH! Hahaha!

HUSBAND AND WIFE: WHOOSH! Funny!

CAM: *facepalms*

ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale again... "WHOOSH" is used eight times*

A FATHER WALKING BY: HA! WHOOSH!

TODDLER: WHOOSH!

OLD RETIREE: WHOOSH! Funny whipper-snapper.

CAM: *gets to aisle 12 and sees announcer announcing*

ANNOUNCER: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Sale WHOOSH! Coupon WHOOSH! Chicken WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!

WHAT CAM IS THINKING: *Cam walks over to boneless frozen chicken and grabs a bag. Cam walks over to announcer. Cam swings bag and hits announcer in the face.*

CAM: WHOOSH!

Forrest Gump Icons

2006-01-27T00:55:00.001-08:00

CAM: I made some buddy icons for my Forrest Gump in D/S. I'll make more when I have the time. For now, enjoy these:

CAM: Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I am 50% complete with the next D/S.

Writing a new D/S

2006-01-22T22:50:00.001-08:00

CAM: Hey everyone. At first, I wasn't getting a very big response on my Forrest Gump D/S, but lately it has been spreading. I'm finally getting e-mails from people I have never heard of complimenting me. That being so, I have started on a new D/S. I'm currently about 1/4 done. It's definitely going to appeal to a different audience, but it is still a major motion picture. Also, the movie came out just last year, so it should still be fresh in everybody's minds unlike Forrest Gump. So, stay tuned...

CAM'S READERS: "Stay tuned." This isn't TV.

CAM: Fine! Stay... online.

CAM'S READERS: But, I have to go to work today! I can't just stay here at your web page and refresh all day.

CAM: Look, you are being difficult and I don't need this right now.

CAM'S READERS: W'r srry. Wnn tlk bt t?

CAM: Don't start that no vowel crap!

CAM'S READERS: e'e o. aa a aou i?

CAM: *sighs*

Subway in D/S

2006-01-15T04:31:00.002-08:00

CAM: I went to Subway to pick up sandwiches for my co-worker and I. I'm the easiest person to make sandwiches for. I always order stuff plain. My favorite thing to order is the Meatball Sub. No cheese, no vegetables, no sauce; plain. Well, ordering for other people is different. The sandwich my co-worker wanted was an Italian BMT with everything on it except jalapeños. I told this to the Subway employee. Here's how the conversation went:

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Subway. What can I get you?

CAM: One footlong Meatball Sub on white.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Cheese on that?

CAM: No, thanks. Just the meatballs.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Anything else?

CAM: Yes, also a footlong Italian BMT on parmesean oregano.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Cheese on that?

CAM: Yes.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What else?

CAM: Everything except jalapeños.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *puts everything on and stops at the jalapeños* Did you say jalapeños on that?

CAM: No.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *puts jalapeños on it*

CAM: No, I said no jalapeños.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Oh! Extra jalapeños. *puts more jalapeños on it*

CAM: ...

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *wraps up sandwich*

CAM: ...

EVERYBODY ELSE IN LINE: *goes to Taco Bell*

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Have a nice day.

CAM: ...

Forrest Gump D/S

2005-12-17T05:38:00.002-08:00

Disclaimer: Forrest Gump has been one of my favorite movies ever since its release. It’s hard to write a parody on it because it is so serious and just so well-made. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.

Some Park Bench in Alabama, but is Really in Georgia

FEATHER: *floats* I symbolize fate and destiny.

FORREST GUMP: *picks up feather and puts it in favorite Curious George book*

NURSE AT PARK BENCH: *magically appears*

FORREST: Hello, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.

NURSE: *ignores* Maybe he’ll go away.

FORREST: Chocolate?

NURSE: *shakes head*

FORREST: My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”

NURSE: *continues to ignore the crazy man*

FORREST: You are wearing shoes.

NURSE: My feet hurt.

FORREST: My first pair of shoes hurt too.

Doctor’s Office

DOCTOR: The scary part is over; you can open your eyes now Forrest.

FORREST: *opens eyes and sees leg braces*

DOCTOR: Your son is all messed up, Mrs. Gump.

MRS. GUMP: He’s the same as everyone else!

FORREST: *fallsonface*

DOCTOR: Sure.

MRS. GUMP: Remember Forrest, you are the same as everyone else.

Forrest’s Elementary School’s Principal’s Office

PRINCIPAL: Your son is nothing like everyone else, Mrs. Gump.

MRS. GUMP: Surely there is someway he can stay at this school. *winks*

PRINCIPAL: Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?

MRS. GUMP: He’s on vacation.

At the Gump House

PRINCIPAL: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!

FORREST: *sits outside listening to everything*

PRINCIPAL: *walks outside* You don’t say much, do you?

FORREST: Heeheeheeheeheehee…

THE AUDIENCE: Who makes those sounds whilst doing the sex?

SAM ANDERSON: *slumps down in chair*

In Forrest’s Bedroom

MRS. GUMP: *reads Curious George to Forrest*

FORREST: Momma, what’s vacation mean?

MRS. GUMP: Vacation is when you go down to the dockside bars too much and sleep with some hefty sailor named Jim without using protection.

FORREST: *blinks*

MRS. GUMP: *continues reading*

Later, at the Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Forrest, suppa is ready!

ELVIS PRESLEY: *in his room, singing* You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time...

MRS. GUMP: *looks inside Elvis’ room in the off chance that Forrest might be in there*

FORREST: *dances funny*

MRS. GUMP: Forrest, I told you not to bother this nice young man.

ELVIS: *puts his pants back on* Uh, uh… no it’s okay ma’am. He was... uh... I was just showing him... uh... *picks up guitar really quick* ...my guitar!

MRS. GUMP: Okay. *walks out*

ELVIS: Remember, if you tell anyone, you’ll get in big trouble!

Downtown Greenbow

TV: *shows Elvis dancing funny*

FORREST: *stops to watch*

MRS. GUMP: *stops to watch*

FORREST: *thinks to self* I can’t tell momma or I’ll get in trouble.

NARRATOR FORREST: He died.

ELVIS FANS: So, that’s how he got all his cool moves! *fawn*

Waiting for the School Bus

MRS. GUMP: Here’s the bus. Be good.

FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*

BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?

FORREST: Momma always said, “Don’t take rides from strangers.”

BUS DRIVER: This is the bus to school, Retard.

FORREST: Um, I’m Forrest Gump.

BUS DRIVER: I’m a former SNL cast member, but no one remembers me.

FORREST: Well, now we ain’t strangers no more. *gets on bus*

DIRECTOR’S SON: Seat is taken.

CHUBBY BOY: Taken.

TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.

YOUNG GIRL: You can sit here.

FORREST: *sits*

YOUNG GIRL: *points at legs* What’s up with that?

FORREST: It’s all good.

YOUNG GIRL: My name is Jenny.

FORREST: My name is Forrest Gu-hump.

Oak Tree

NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny and me was like frozen dinner items. She taught me how to climb…

FORREST: *climbs*

NARRATOR FORREST: …I showed her how to dangle.

JENNY: *dangles*

NARRATOR FORREST: She taught me how to read…

FORREST: *reads*

NARRATOR FORREST: …and I showed her how to swing.

JENNY: *keeps reading*

Gump Driveway

BULLY #1: I throw rock at you!

ROCK #1: *hits Forrest in the back of the head*

FORREST: WTF!? Where did that come from?

BULLY #2: *throws rock*

ROCK #2: Face!

FORREST: Ow! Maybe if I just keep standing here, they’ll stop.

JENNY: Run Forrest!

FORREST: *turns and runs*

BULLY #3: Get the bikes!

BULLY #1: We’re gonna get you!

JENNY: At the risk of other people saying this line EVERYTIME someone is running… RUN, FORREST, RUN!

FORREST: *runs*

BULLIES: *bikes*

FORREST: *runs*

BULLIES: *bikes*

FORREST’S LEG BRACES: *dies*

FORREST: w00t!

JOHN WILLIAMS’ SOUNDTRACK: *pumps up a notch*

BULLIES: *stop because apparently bikes don’t work well on leveled grassy fields*

BULLY #2: Let’s try again when we have a car.

BULLY #1: This town is so boring.

Jenny’s House

FORREST: *runs up to Jenny* How did you get here so fast? You were just at my driveway with me.

JENNY: Quiet, daddy is sleeping.

DADDY: Jenny!?!?

JENNY: Dang! Run!

FORREST: *runs too fast for Jenny to keep up and ruins all the crops*

Gump Driveway Again

HIGH SCHOOL-AGED FORREST AND JENNY: *walk*

OLDER BULLY #1: *throws rock*

OLDER BULLY #2: Haha! Let’s see you outrun us now.

JENNY: *turns to Forrest*

FORREST: Run, Forrest, run?

JENNY: *nods*

FORREST: *turns and runs*

OLDER BULLY #3: *drives*

FORREST: *runs*

OLDER BULLIES: *drives*

FORREST: *runs*

OLDER BULLIES: *drives*

FORREST: OMG, SO CLOSE!

OLDER BULLIES: OMG, SO CLOSE!

FORREST: *veer*

OLDER BULLIES: *veer*

FORREST: *runs to football field where University of Alabama try-outs just happen to be going on*

QUARTERBACK: *throws*

FORREST: *runs*

RECEIVER: *catches and sees Forrest* Hey, you’re not allowed to be on this…

TACKLER: *tackles*

RECEIVER: ...ouch, my hip!

University of Alabama

KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *catches and runs over to Forrest* Coach says you are better than me. Take this and run.

FORREST: But no one is throwing rocks at me.

KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *throws rock*

FORREST: Crap. *runs*

THE OTHER TEAM: *misses tackles and feels stupid*

FORREST: Stupid is as stupid does. *runs to touchdown, and through a lost group of marching band members, and through the stadium exit, and through the campus grounds, and to the main entrance of the university*

Main Entrance of the University

NEWS REPORTER CHET HUNTLEY: Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door.

FORREST: Earl, what’s going on?

EARL: Coons are tryin’ to get into school.

FORREST: Coons!? Well, they be trying to get on our back porch, but momma just fights them off with a broom.

EARL: Not raccoons, you idiot! The N-word.

FORREST: ...

EARL: ...

FORREST: ...

EARL: *whispers* Niggers.

FORREST: I know… and?

EARL: *blinks*

GOVERNOR WALLACE: *dies*

Some Park Bench

NURSE: I can’t believe you said the N-word. Good day to you, sir! *leaves on bus*

SINGLE MOM (NOT JENNY): I remember when Wallace got shot.

FORREST: Who?

SINGLE MOM: Wallace. The guy that didn’t want those students entering the school.

FORREST: …

SINGLE MOM: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: Jenny went to an all-girls college.

All-girls College (Future Girls Gone Wild Headquarters)

JENNY: *hits head against car window* Ouch ba-ba-ba-ba!

FORREST: *walks over to car and opens driver’s side door* I KEEL YOU! *punches*

BILLY: *can’t protect himself from a mentally handicapped man*

THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they’re allowed to laugh*

Inside Jenny’s Dorm Room

JENNY: You ever been with a girl before Forrest?

FORREST: I sit next to them in home ec. class.

JENNY: No, I mean… *shows breasts*

FORREST: *stares at breasts*

JENNY: *still feeling frisky makes Forrest touch her breasts*

FORREST: *orgasm*

JENNY: *sighs*

ADAM HERZ: Hmmmm…

FORREST: I think I ruined your roommate’s robe.

JENNY: She’s a bitch.

White House

NARRATOR FORREST: I got put on the All-American Football Team, so I got to meet the President of the United States.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: How does it feel to be an All-American?

FORREST: I gotta pee.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: I believe he said he had to go pee.

THE AUDIENCE: No way! JFK said that!

THE FORREST GUMP SPECIAL EFFECT DEPARTMENT: SO EASY!

PHOTOSHOPPERS: SO EASY! *make pictures of JFK doing Marilyn Monroe*

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: *dies*

ROBERT KENNEDY: *dies*

University of Alabama

FORREST: *receives diploma*

MILITARY RECRUITER: *snarls* Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future?

FORREST: To?

Army Bus

RECRUIT #1: Seat’s taken.

RECRUIT #2: Taken.

TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.

BLACK MAN: You can sit here, shrimp.

FORREST: *sits*

BLACK MAN: You ever been on a real shrimp boat, shrimp?

FORREST: No.

BLACK MAN: I have all my life, shrimp. The name is Bubba, shrimp.

FORREST: Okay, Bubba Shrimp.

BLACK MAN: No, just Bubba, shrimp.

FORREST: That’s what I said, Bubba Shrimp.

BLACK MAN: NO!!! Just Bub-ba… shrimp.

FORREST: You confuse me Shrimp.

Army Barracks

DRILL SERGEANT: GUMP! What’s your sole purpose in the Army!?!?

FORREST: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!

DRILL SERGEANT: *makes him do 200 push-ups and flutter kicks for making such a smartass remark*

THE AUDIENCE: *still aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*

Army Barracks, Another Day

BUBBA: *assembles rifle slowly* On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp.

FORREST: *finishes assembling gun* Done, Drill Sergeant!

DRILL SERGEANT: I lessthanthree you Gump! Now disassemble!

FORREST: *begins disassembling*

BUBBA: Before I was so rudely interrupted, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There’s shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole...

Another Day

BUBBA: ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp...

Yet Another Day

BUBBA: ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it.

FORREST: *head explodes ending the movie*

THE AUDIENCE: OMG! Poor Forrest! He got shrimp-talked to death! We want our money back!

FORREST: *stops and stares at Bubba then continues working*

THE AUDIENCE: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I smell an Oscar!

FORREST: I wonder what Jenny is doing.

Memphis Night Club

EMCEE: Here’s Jen… I mean, Bobbie Dylan!

CROWD: More like Boobie Dylan.

FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *punches crowd*

JENNY: What are you doing, Forrest!?

FORREST: *picks up fully nude Jenny, but doesn’t have an orgasm for some reason this time*

JENNY: Let me down!

Some Memphis Bridge

JENNY: Think I can fly off this bridge?

FORREST: What?

JENNY: Nothing. I’m out.

FORREST: So, they’re sending me to Vietnam.

JENNY: Run Forrest run.

Firebase/4th Platoon

BUBBA: I bet there’s shrimp all in these waters.

FORREST: *sighs*

OFFICER: You must be my new F.N.G.’s. *snickers*

FORREST AND BUBBA: *salute*

SNIPER: *snipes* Headshot!

OFFICER: Dang it! Look what you did! Don’t ever salute me again! BTW, my name is Lieutenant Dan Taylor, but for some reason I like using my first name after my rank because Lieutenant Taylor sounds dumb. Now, take care of your socks and don’t kill yourself.

FORREST: I’m SO screwed.

Dirt Road

LT. DAN: Get down! Shut up!

THE PLATOON: *gets down, shuts up*

LT. DAN: *low-crawls around a bush*

SQUIRREL: *runs away frightened*

LT. DAN: On your feet. Move out.

Encampment

NARRATOR FORREST: I thought about Jenny a lot.

Jenny’s Grandmother’s Trailer

JENNY: I’m out.

Jungle

THE PLATOON: *takes fire*

LT. DAN: Take cover!

SOLDIERS: *die*

LT. DAN: Pull back!

BUBBA: Run, Forrest, run!

FORREST: You’re not Jenny. *turns and runs*

GRENADE: *explodes*

FORREST: *reaches river* Bubba? Not good. *runs back into jungle*

TEX: Forrest!

FORREST: Where are you from again?

TEX: Get me out of here!

FORREST: *carries Tex to the river and goes back into the jungle*

DALLAS: Forrest!

FORREST: You aren’t Bubba.

DALLAS: Come on!

FORREST: *carries Dallas to the river and goes back into the jungle*

LT. DAN: Charlie is everywhere!

FORREST: *doesn’t remember a Charlie in his platoon*

LT. DAN: I gotta have those fast movers in here now!

FORREST: Piggy back!

LT. DAN: No! Leave me to die here!

FORREST: *carries Lt. Dan to the river, but gets shot in the butt* BAD TOUCH!

LT. DAN: *pulls out pistol and fires at the ground* WAHHHHHHH!

FORREST: *gets back up and carries Lt. Dan to the river and goes back in the jungle*

BUBBA: Shrimp…

FORREST: Bubba? *carries Bubba to the river just as air strike napes the whole jungle*

NARRATOR FORREST: If I’d a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I’d a thought of something better to say.

FORREST: I really miss 99 cent taco Mondays.

BUBBA: *dies*

Some Park

FORREST: And that was that.

RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: It was a bullet that got you in the butt, right?

FORREST: Duh!

THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*

Army Hospital Beds

FORREST: *wearing a man diaper* I brought you ice cream Lt. Dan.

LT. DAN: This is what I think of your stupid ice cream. *takes ice cream and puts it in bed pan* Get it!? Crap!

MALE NURSE: Time for your bath L.T.

LT. DAN: Best part of my day.

Army Hospital Common Room

PING-PONG BALL: *hits Forrest in the head*

FORREST: Run, Forrest, run! *begins to run*

WOUNDED BLACK SOLDIER: Stop Forrest! Let me show you how to play ping-pong.

SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: *nudges male nurse and whispers* This oughtta be good.

NARRATOR FORREST: For some reason, ping-pong came very natural to me.

MALE NURSE: Pwn’d! Bath time.

SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: Crap.

Army Hospital Rec. Room

OFFICER: P.F.C. Gump?

FORREST: *stands at attention* Yes, sir!

SNIPER: *snipes* Own’d.

OFFICER: Dang it! How many times do we have to tell you people! *frustrated sigh* Here. Medal of Honor letter.

White House

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: *places Medal of Honor on Forrest* I heard you got shot. Where?

FORREST: In the buttocks, sir.

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: I’d kinda like to see that.

FORREST: *reveals wound*

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Yes, well… *cough*

Lincoln Memorial

CRAZY HIPPIE WOMAN: *gathers the vets, including Forrest and takes them to a stage in front of a rally*

VET: *taps Forrest on the shoulder* You’re a good man for doing this.

FORREST: You smell like bacon fat.

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *motions to Forrest* Effin’ come up here man.

FORREST: *walks up to microphone*

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Tell us a little bit about the effin’ war, man.

FORREST: The war in Vietnam?

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *sarcastically* No, the war in effin’ Canada!

FORREST: ...

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Get off my stage.

JENNY: *wades out into the reflection pool* Forrest!

FORREST: Jenny! *runs down into reflection pool*

JENNY: *hug*

FORREST: *hug*

HIPPIES: Yay for hugs! *hugs*

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Isn’t that illegal or something?

Black Panther Headquarters

BLACK PANTHER: Hey, cracka! Get away from the window!

FORREST: *eyes Ritz crackers on the table by the window and moves them away*

BLACK PANTHER: ...

HIPPIE GUY: Jenny, where have you been?

JENNY: Wesley, meet my good friend Forrest Gump.

WESLEY: Whatev.

JENNY: Well, you’re about to meet him very well in about 10 seconds.

WESLEY: *slaps Jenny*

FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *tackles Wesley and punches him*

THE AUDIENCE: *looks around at each other to see if anyone is laughing*

BLACK PANTHER: Out.

Washington, D.C.

NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny told me about all the travelin’ she’s done.

Route 66 Flashback

JENNY: *hitches a ride*

Commune in New Mexico Flashback

JENNY: *eats a sugar cube of acid*

Hollywood Walk of Fame Flashback

JENNY: *hitches a ride to San Francisco*

JEAN HARLOW STAR: My curves aren’t what they used to be.

Back in Washington, D.C.

FORREST: Don’t go.

JENNY: I have to go get AIDS though. *gets on bus with Wesley*

FORREST: *glare of death*

China Ping-pong Tournament

NARRATOR FORREST: They sent me to China to play ping-pong on the All-American Ping-Pong Team.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.

The Dick Cavett Show

DICK CAVETT: Here is Forrest Gump.

FORREST: *sits*

DICK CAVETT: Forrest Gump, meet John Lennon.

FORREST: Your name reminds me of citrus-ey goodness.

JOHN LENNON: ...

NARRATOR FORREST: No wonder he got shot.

THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*

Outside the Studio

LT. DAN: *in wheelchair* They gave you the Medal of Honor!?

FORREST: Yes, sir.

LT. DAN: They gave you the Medal… of… Honor?

FORREST: *looks left and right* Yes, sir.

LT. DAN: *attempts suicide by sliding down an icy ramp in his wheelchair*

Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room

LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?

FORREST: I thought we were looking for Charlie.

LT. DAN: ...

FORREST: ...

LT. DAN: Go get me booze.

FORREST: *leaves*

Times Square Bar

DICK CLARK: *on TV* I hope I get to do a few more of these New Year’s things.

FORREST: So, I promised Bubba that I would go into the shrimpin’ business after the war.

LT. DAN: You’re joking, right?

FORREST: No, sir.

LT. DAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! If you ever become a shrimp boat captain, I’ll be your astronaut that gets stuck on Earth, but will save you from death in space because I got ill before we had to leave for our mission.

FORREST: First mate would do fine.

SLUTTY GIRL: *walks up to Lt. Dan* Hey baby!

LT. DAN: Hey, slutty hoe Carla and big boobs Lenore.

BIG BOOBS LENORE: *points at the TV* Hey, we was just there!

FORREST: You were at Dick Clark?

EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room

LENORE: *kisses Forrest and reaches for his crotch*

FORREST: *stands up causing her to fall down*

CARLA: Is your friend stupid or something?

LT. DAN: *slap*

CARLA AND LENORE: *run away*

LT. DAN: *falls out of wheelchair*

FORREST: *tries to help*

LT. DAN: No. *pulls himself back up into his wheelchair*

FORREST: I’m sorry Lt. Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.

LT. DAN: Meh, that’s alright Forrest. Mine tasted like excrement. Happy New Year.

White House

NARRATOR FORREST: I got to see the President again, but this time I didn’t do anything embarrassing!

PRESIDENT NIXON: You should stay at this brand new hotel.

The Watergate Hotel

FORREST: *on the phone* Yeah, sir, there’s these people playing flashlight tag in the room across the way and it’s keeping me awake.

SECURITY GUARD: Okay, sir. I’ll try to get them to stop.

FORREST: No, sir. I want to play too.

SECURITY GUARD: ...

FORREST : ...

SECURITY GUARD: *hangs up*

Gymnasium

OFFICER: Sergeant Gump!

FORREST: *stand at attention* Yes, sir?

OFFICER: *dives and takes cover*

SNIPER: *misses* Darn.

OFFICER: *gets back up* Ha-ha! You’re out, son.

FORREST: I’m out.

Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Welcome home, son. We’ve had all sorts of visitors.

FORREST: Wow, look at all this ping-pong stuff.

MRS. GUMP: One man left a check for 25 thousand dollars if you’d be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle.

FORREST: As long as they don’t want to see my buttocks.

Bayou la Batre

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

BUBBA’S MOM: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

OLD SHRIMPER: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

BUBBA’S DEAD BODY: Heck ya, shrimp!

FORREST: I only caught five today.

OLD SHRIMPER: Are you shrimp cocktail or something? You should name your boat.

FORREST: *goes with the obvious and names the boat Jenny*

THE AUDIENCE: I totally guessed that one.

FORREST: She’s an angel. I wonder what she’s doing right now…

Disco

JENNY: *does smack*

Bayou la Batre

FORREST: I hope she’s happy doing whatever she’s doing.

Apartment

JENNY: *walks out onto the ledge and considers jumping but doesn’t and instead rocks back and forth while crying*

Bayou la Batre

FORREST: *sigh*

LT. DAN: *waits on dock*

FORREST: Lieutenant Dan! *jumps off boat and swims to Lt. Dan*

LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST’S SHRIMPING BOAT: *crashes into a dock*

Bayou la Batre Waters

LT. DAN: *points left* That way!

FORREST: *steers right*

LT. DAN: Do you not know your left from your right, Gump?

FORREST: *stops for a second and continues turning right*

LT. DAN: Other way…

FORREST: *finally steers in correct direction*

LT. DAN: That is where we’ll find ‘em. I’m sure of it! I’ll bet my left leg on that.

FORREST: *shrimps* No shrimp although I bet Bubba’s mom could turn this toilet seat into a mighty fine stew.

LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?

The Boat

RAIN: *rains*

WIND: *winds*

LT. DAN: You’ll never sink this boat, Lord! BWAHAHAHAHA!

THE LORD: Meh, I could if I wanted to.

RAIN: *dies*

WIND: *dies*

FORREST: *shrimps* OMFG! Look at all this shrimp!

NARRATOR FORREST: And that’s how the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation got started.

Some Park

RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: I don’t believe. *walks away laughing hysterically*

ELDERLY WOMAN: Great story.

FORREST: I’m for reals.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Suuuure, hon’.

FORREST: Here’s a picture. *shows magazine cover*

ELDERLY WOMAN: I don’t have my glasses on.

FORREST: On?

The Boat

LT. DAN: Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life.

FORREST: I was trying to save Bubba.

LT. DAN: What!?

FORREST: Nothing, shrimp.

LT. DAN: *jumps… erm… flings self into ocean*

FORREST: You’re welcome.

PRESIDENT FORD: *dies* Actually, I’m feeling better.

NEWS REPORTER: No you’re not; you’ll be stone dead in a moment.

PRESIDENT FORD: I feel happy!

THE AUDIENCE: Wait… this is from Monty Python.

RADIO: Base to Jenny Five Hundred and Sixty-seven.

LT. DAN: This is Jenny Five Six Seven.

RADIO: Forrest’s momma is sick.

FORREST: *jumps in ocean*

LT. DAN: I hate people that can swim with their legs.

Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Hey, Forrest!

FORREST: Momma, what’s wrong with you?

MRS. GUMP: Oh nothing, I’m fine!

FORREST: Why are you dyin’?

THE AUDIENCE: *tear*

MRS. GUMP: It’s just destiny.

FORREST: What’s my destiny?

MRS. GUMP: Well, according to that feather, your destiny is to be stuck on the inside cover of a Curious George book.

NARRATOR FORREST: Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. She got the cancer and dieded.

THE AUDIENCE: We need more tissues! Woe!

Outside Gump House

NARRATOR FORREST: Now, because I basically wrote history, I mowed lawns for a living and I did it for free.

FORREST: *mows*

JENNY: *arrives*

FORREST: *stops*

JENNY: *stops*

FORREST: ...

THE AUDIENCE: *gasp*

JENNY: Hey...

FORREST: *HUGGERZZZZZZZ!*

THE AUDIENCE: Seriously! Where are the tissues!?!?

THE KLEENEX COMPANY: We’re still on back order because of last year’s Schindler’s List.

Countryside

JENNY: *throws rocks at old house*

FORREST: *watches*

JENNY: *falls*

FORREST: The last time someone threw rocks around me, you told me to run.

JENNY: I wasn’t trying to hit you.

FORREST: I didn’t think so, because if I did, I think I would be in Seattle by now.

Inside the Gump House

JENNY: *turns TV off*

FORREST: Marry me.

JENNY: You don’t want to marry me.

FORREST: Why not?

JENNY: Well, I’m a crack whore who did PCP while surfing over UDP and capturing TCP packets on IDS with two monitors on at the same time with A1C’s and SSgt’s who took their CDC’s during their IQT’s with certainty.

FORREST: I’m not a smart man, so I have no idea what you just said.

JENNY: I won’t marry you, but I’ll give you pity sex.

Forrest’s Bedroom

FORREST AND JENNY: *have pity sex*

JENNY: *gets in taxi and leaves*

THE SOUND: *goes out for, like, five minutes*

FORREST: *runs, Forrest, runs*

Barber Shop

FORREST: *runs*

Alabama Road

FORREST: *runs*

Santa Monica

FORREST: *runs*

Atlantic Ocean

FORREST: *runs*

Special Olympics

FORREST: *runs*

CROWD: He beat two trees!

Highway

FORREST: *runs*

Coffee Shop

TV: *shows Forrest running*

JENNY: OMG! I had pity sex with that guy!

NEWS REPORTER: Sir, why are you running?

FORREST: I know, it’s weird. No rocks being thrown at me and no people shooting at me.

NARRATOR FORREST: Eventually, people wanted to run with me.

THE AUDIENCE: Wait… so, we’re supposed to believe that this guy created the “Sh*t happens” bumper stick and the “Have a nice day” smiley face?

ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Well, yeah. You believed he met J.F.K., right?

THE AUDIENCE: True.

Monument Valley

FORREST: *stops running after a billion years*

RUNNER: Shut up. He’s going to say something.

FORREST: I just remembered that I forgot to close my garage door. I think I’ll go home now.

RUNNER: I can’t believe I did something crazy like this without being drunk or high.

Some Park Bench

FORREST: And then, out of the blue, I got a letter from Jenny asking me to come see her.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Let me see what her address is. You didn’t need to wait for a bus and tell all those stories. Her place is just about five or six blocks down that way. You can just run, Forrest, run.

FORREST: *is gone*

Jenny’s Apartment

JENNY: Hey!

FORREST: Hey.

BABYSITTER: Hey.

KID: Hey.

JENNY: This is Mr. Gump.

KID: Hey.

FORREST: Hey.

JENNY: He’s your son Forrest.

FORREST: Hey!

JENNY: ...

FORREST: I mean, what!?

JENNY: It’s okay, go watch Sesame Street with him.

FORREST: He’s already smarter than me.

THE AUDIENCE: Everything is going so well.

Gump House

LOUISE: Forrest, it’s time to start.

JENNY: *walks out wearing the ugliest wedding dress known to woman*

LT. DAN: *walks, that’s right, walks up*

FORREST: You got new legs!?!?

LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?

JENNY: That’s what I said when I first met him, too.

FORREST AND JENNY: *get married*

JENNY: *dies*

Jenny’s Grave at Old Oak Tree

THE AUDIENCE: NOOOOOOOO! WHY!?!? Why did she have to do all those drugs!?!?

FORREST: I had you placed under our favorite tree, I had a bulldozer take down your father’s house, and Mini-Me Forrest is better than me at everything.

THE AUDIENCE: *wipe tears and blow noses on theatre seats*

Road

FORREST: Here’s the bus. Be good.

MINI-ME FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*

BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?

MINI-ME FORREST: Weren’t you on Saturday Night Live?

BUS DRIVER: *fawn*

BUS: *drives away*

FEATHER: *attacks camera lens*

FIN.

All Apologies

2005-12-12T22:59:00.001-08:00

CAM: Sorry I haven't made an entry in awhile.

CAM'S READERS: *wipe tears away*

CAM: Awwww... now I feel horrible. But seriously, things have been really busy at work. Well, that, and I've been working on something really big. Let me just say that it is a full movie D/S. I will not say what movie it is, but it is an Oscar winner. Expect to see it here sometime this weekend, but no promises.

CAM'S READERS: Yay!

Weird Dream (a D/S example)

2005-12-04T04:59:00.003-08:00

Disclaimer: People have been asking me what exactly I will be writing. Well, I didn't want to release any of my current ideas so I thought that it would work out to write a sample. This sample will be based off of a dream I had last night. Usually, these stories will be funny and interesting. Unfortunately, my dream was neither of these, but like I said, it is just to show you the D/S (Dialogue/Script) format and what not. My dreams can be quite realistic. Never have I had a dream in which so many of my real-life friends have shown up.

Some Dark Bedroom

CAM: *falls asleep*

Some German Street

CAM: *stands on the street*

STEVE: Hey Cam, we better get going.

CAM: Yeah.

BRIAN: Hey Cam. Who is this?

CAM: Oh, this is my friend Steve.

STEVE: Hello.

BRIAN: *gives Steve a mean look*

CAM: What's wrong Brian?

BRIAN: I thought I was your friend?

CAM: You are! But Steve is too!

JASON: I thought I was your friend!?

CAM: You are too Jason!

ANDREW: What about me!?

CAM: You too!

BETHANY: I'm your wife, so I should be your only friend!

CAM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Cam runs away.

Some Dark Alley

TRASH CAN: *falls over*

CAM: This can't be good.

NATISHA: Hey there, wanna party?

CAM: Are you coming onto me?

NATISHA: Yeah, so what?

CAM: I'm married! Wait, and you're married!

NATISHA: There's nothing wrong with that.

MELISSA: Yeah.

KRISSY: Yeah.

CHRISTINA: Yeah.

CAM: No!

Cam fights through all of the girls.

Some House

CAM: *slams door*

CAM'S MOM: What are you doing home so late!? Your dad is going to be mad!

CAM'S DAD: I'm mad!

CAM: OMG!

CAM'S CAT: You're not going anywhere this time buddy!

CAM: *runs from cat*

CAM'S CAT: *chases*

Some Grassy Field

CAM: *runs*

CAM'S CAT: *chases*

Amazon Rainforest

CAM: *runs*

CAM'S CAT: *chases*

JOEL: *shoots cat dead*

CAM: Nooooooooo! Why did you kill my cat!?!?

JOEL: Dude, it was chasing you.

CAM: So! My poor kitty! Where are we?

JOEL: Where we've been all along.

CAM: ...

JOEL: Home.

A curtain of tree branches spread and Cam finds all of his old high school classmates walking around in the trees.

CAM: This isn't home.

NATISHA: You came!

CAM: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Some Dark Bedroom

CAM: *wakes up and looks over at wife*

BETHANY: *sleeps*

CAM: Srsly, no more cupcakes before bed!

FIN.

Introduction

2005-12-03T07:41:00.001-08:00

Some Computer Office

CAM: My name is Cam and this is my blog. This is a blog about my everyday life. This is my everyday life written in D/S (Dialogue/Script) format. You will read about what I've done, what I am doing, and what I will do.

CAM'S READERS: ...

CAM: Alright, let me start at the beginning. There once was a girl named Cleolinda Jones. She wrote these things called Movies in Fifteen Minutes (m15m). Being a Harry Potter fan myself, the first m15m I ever read was for Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. I loved it so much that I read her other m15m's and even bought her book. I began writing stories using Cleo's m15m format on a machinima web site for Red vs. Blue. I received a lot of good feedback on my stories. I decided to spread my stories as much as possible, which leads us to this blog.

CAM'S READERS: You copy-cat!

CAM: Well, that may be, but Cleo doesn't exactly have this cool format copyrighted or anything. Plus, I don't think she was the first one to write in this type of style. I made sure that I wouldn't offend her wishes, according to her FAQ. (Cleo, can you tell that I am trying to praise you in everyway possible?)

CAM'S READERS: But why Blogger?

CAM: Because Blogger has a large community that is growing everday. That and I can't get to any other blogging web site from work.

CAM'S READERS: Why do I want to know about your life?

CAM: I won't always write about my life. Sometimes I will write actual movies in D/S. Also, I can write funny stories about my friends, latest trends, news, and much more.

CAM'S READERS: What if I like it?

CAM: Then please feel free to let me know by leaving comments or sending me e-mail. Another great thing you could do is let other people know about this blog.

CAM'S READERS: What if I hate it?

CAM: Then don't read it.

CAM'S READERS: *leave*

CAM: Wait! Come back! Um... free #2 pencils for all!!!

CAM'S READERS: *start running*

CAM: [vadar] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [/vadar]