LOST - Pilot Part 2 in D/S

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. I’ve already written a D/S for Part 1 of the Pilot episode, so I figured I should do one for Part 2. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but if I receive enough comments, I might be motivated to do more. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Welcome Back to the Jungle

CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?

JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?

CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.

KATE: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".

KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.


Previously on Oceanic Flight 815

CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?

CHARLIE: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.

CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to use the bathroom drugs*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!

CHARLIE: Just a minute!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!

CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*

PLANE: *shakes*

CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.


The Beach (Not the Leo One)

BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.

SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?

BOONE: *walks away*

CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?

SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.

CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.

SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.

CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.

SHANNON: Boy or girl?

CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.

SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*


Tide Pools

MICHAEL: WALT!?

SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]

MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!

WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.


Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)

SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!

SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.

SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*

KATE: This is hot.

SHANNON: This is hot.

HURLEY: I’m hungry.

SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!

KATE: We found a transceiver.

SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.

HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?

SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.

HURLEY: Let’s be friends.


Later at the Beach

KATE: *takes a sexy bath*

SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]

KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?

SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.


Over by Jack

KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?

JACK: He’s still pulling through.

KATE: I’m going on a hike.

JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?

KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.

JACK: lol, k.


Same Beach, Different Scene

JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*

HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.

WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*

FORESHADOW: What have we here?

MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?

WALT: No.

MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?

WALT: ...

MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.

JACK: Hey, fatty.

HURLEY: ?

JACK: Help me find drugs.

CHARLIE: You can’t have them!

JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*


Over By the Incest Twins

BOONE: What’s wrong?

SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.

BOONE: What’s that?

SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.

BOONE: You’re so dumb.

SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.

BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.

SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.

KATE: No kids allowed.

SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.

KATE: You’re hired.

CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.

KATE: You’re hired, too.


The Island Knife Store

MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?

JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?

MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.

JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?

MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.

JACK: A lab?

MICHAEL: Yes!

JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.

MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?

JACK: I was sort of saving lives.

LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*

WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?

LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?

WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*

JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*

CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.

CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*

CLAIRE: It’s a boy!

JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]


In a Clearing in the Jungle

SAWYER: Try the radio now.

SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]

SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*

EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*

SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*

BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?

CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?

BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?

CHARLIE: Touché.


Island General Hospital

JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?

HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.

JACK: How do you like your steaks?

HURLEY: Rare.

JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.

HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.


Back with the Exploring Group

KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?

SAWYER: Probably bear village.

CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.

KATE: Where did you get the gun from?

SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.

SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?

EVERYONE ELSE: ...

SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.

SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.

SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*

KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*

SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.


Flashback to Kate’s Ways

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?

KATE: No, thanks.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?

MARSHAL: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?

MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*

MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.

KATE: Nice?

MARSHAL: White.

KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?

PLANE: *splits apart*

KATE: Nevermind!


Jack at Marshal’s

MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?

JACK: A name would help.


Groupies

SAYID: *turns on transceiver*

SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.

SAYID: We’ve got one bar!

BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.

SAYID: I’m getting feedback.

CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?

SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.

KATE: Can we listen to it?

SAYID: Let me find the frequency.

TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.

CHARLIE: The French are coming!

BOONE: That’s what that smell is.

KATE: What is it saying?

BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.

SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."

SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.

BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...


FIN.

LOST – Pilot Part 1 in D/S

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. It was time to make a D/S. The only source I used was the episode on DVD. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but I figured this would hold you off until my next true D/S. My wife, Bethany, contributed a lot to this particular D/S, so thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Somewhere, someplace, on something

JACK: *eye pop*

SOMETHING IN THE BUSHES: *creeps*

JACK: I fell out of a plane unsupported into the jungle and I’m still alive?

DOG: Yep. See ya.

JACK: *stands up* Mother of Jordan, that hurt. *pulls out vodka* I don’t feel drunk.



Immediately after in the jungle (Welcome to the jungle, watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n knees, knees)

JACK: *runs through the jungle and...*



Comes out at the beach

JACK: Looks like some normal beach.

WOMAN: *screams*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women.

JET ENGINE: *whirs*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women and loud jet engines.

CRASHED PLANE: *is revealed*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women, loud jet engines, and crashed airplanes on it.

CRASH VICTIMS: *are frantic*

SHANNON: That jet engine just ate my Manolo Blahniks!

SOME GUY: Help me!

JACK: *helps him*

CLAIRE: Help me!

JACK: How many months pregnant are you?

THE AUDIENCE: *can assume Jack is a doctor*

CLAIRE: Only 8 months and I’m having contractions.

SOME AUTHOR DUDE: I sure hope I don’t die on this beach because then I won’t be able to publish my boo...

JET ENGINE: *eats the author and explodes*

CLAIRE: Either my water just broke, or I peed my pants.

JACK: You’re gonna be fine, just sit still next to this weak airplane wing. Hey, fatty!

HURLEY: Me?

JACK: Yeah. Come here and take care of this other fatty.

HURLEY: LOL, K. What’s your name?

JACK: Read the first part of this D/S!

HURLEY: Ginny?

JACK: *runs over to a boy performing CPR on an old lady* You’re not doing that right.

BOONE: Screw you, I’m a lifeguard!

JACK: Well, screw you, I’m a doctor. FACE!

BOONE: Maybe we should jab a pen in her throat.

JACK: [sarcastic] Yeah, go find one. [/sarcastic]

OLD LADY: *receives CPR from a professional doctor*

JACK: Your lips taste like Werther’s Originals.

OLD LADY: *gasps*

JACK: Take big deep breaths.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *starts to fall*

JACK: Hurley!!! Move! Get her out of there.

CLAIRE: Didn’t you tell me to just sit still?

HURLEY: *looks up and sees wing* Oh, crap.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *lands on another engine causing everything including the water to blow up barely missing Jack, Hurley, and Claire*

CLAIRE: Okay. Now either the baby just popped out, or I pooped my pants.

RANDOM AIRPLANE PART: *lands right next to Charlie*

CHARLIE: Woah, I’m trippin’.

JACK: *starts pilfering through luggage* I could really use a Zanax right now.



A secluded area just off the beach

JACK: *takes off his shirt to reveal manly chest-hair (oh, and a pretty deep wound on the side of his body)*

KATE: *wanders*

JACK: Hey sexy lady. Did you ever use a needle?

KATE: I experimented with a couple of drugs back in college.

JACK: No, I mean a sewing needle.

KATE: How could you shoot up with a sewing needle?

JACK: Just sew up my side and I’ll tell you a story.



Back at the crash site

SAWYER: *lights up a cigarette*

CLAIRE: *wades in the water*

HURLEY: *can’t believe they put the fat guy in charge of the food*

BOONE: *gets no signal on his cell phone*

SAYID: *builds a fire*

CHARLIE: *is still high*

THE AUDIENCE: *thinks they won’t be able to remember all the characters*

SAYID: Hey, what’s you name?

CHARLIE: Dude, just read the D/S.

SAYID: Charlie, I need help with the fire. We need to make it big enough so that whoever comes to rescue us can see it.



Back in the surgery hut

KATE: I might throw up on you.

JACK: That’s hot.

KATE: You don’t seem afraid at all about all this.

JACK: Well, I’m the hero, slash, leader of the show, so I’m not allowed to be afraid. Plus, when you’re a doctor, you see all sorts of gross stuff.

KATE: Like a young girl leaving the gas stove on and blowing up her step-father?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: No, when I was operating on this young girl, I accidentally split open her sack.

KATE: I thought you just said you were operating on a "girl".

JACK: No, her Dural Sack. It’s at the base of the spine where all the nerves come together. It ripped open and nerves flew out of her like grandma’s spaghetti.

KATE: Like running out of a bank after just robbing it?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: The terror was just so crazy, so real, and I knew that I had to deal with it. *starts to cry* So, I let the fear take me over for 5 seconds and that’s all I was gonna give it. So, I started to count. One... two... five...

KATE: Three, sir!

JACK: Three... four... five. And then the fear was gone.

KATE: So, you saved the girl?

JACK: Oh, no. She died.

KATE: You know, if that were me, I would have run away and got my best friend shot in the process.

JACK: What?

KATE: I like Sawyer.



Pow-wow on the beach

CHARLIE: *writes "fate" on his fingers*

SAYID: Stop being so emo, Charlie.

SHANNON: My feet must look sexy for when the hot rescue men get here.

BOONE: *offers Shannon a chocolate bar*

SHANNON: No, Professor Lupin. I’m not going to eat the chocolate.

BOONE: You know, we might be here for awhile.

SHANNON: They’ll find us because they can’t resist my sexiness.

HURLEY: Claire, you hungry?

CLAIRE: Dude, I’m hungry all the time.

HURLEY: Tell me about it.

JIN: [korean] You must never leave my sight, woman. [/korean]

SUN: I’m so glad I cheated on you before we got here.

JACK: *examines a guy with some shrapnel in his side*

KATE: Is he gonna live?

JACK: Do you know him?

KATE: He was the marshal taking me back to the States.

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing. I mean... he was sitting next to me.

JACK. ...

KATE: ...

JACK: So, how about that crash today.

KATE: Yeah, that sucked.

JACK: I wonder where the cockpit is.

KATE: Probably in the jungle where that black smoke is coming up.

JACK: We should go there.

KATE: Yeah...

SOMETHING IN THE JUNGLE: *crashes and makes T-Rex sounds*

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: It’s a dinosaur!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: It’s a giant tractor!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: It’s a black smoke monster that can read the thoughts of your past and judge you on every action you’ve taken and determines whether or not you should live!

THE AUDIENCE: Nah!

THE LOSTIES: WTF?



In the recent past on Oceanic flight 815

STEWARDESS: Drunk yet?

JACK: No. This drink is weaksauce.

STEWARDESS: *slips Jack some vodka*

THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha!

JACK: *mixes himself a Screw Driver* Better. *starts to get up*

PLANE: *goes through some turbulence*

JACK: Yeah, being drunk plus shaky airplane equals me sitting back down.

OLD LADY: *fastens seat belt*

JACK: Don’t worry. It’s normal.

OLD LADY: Oh, honey. You know this plane is goin’ down and us black folk ain’t gonna survive. Good thing my husband’s white.

CAM’S READERS: That’s a bit of racism if I’ve ever heard it.

CAM: Hey, at least she lives!

CAM’S READERS: Touché.

JACK: Don’t worry. This should all be over in...



Back on the plane crashed beach

KATE: You ready?

JACK: You don’t need to come with me, you know?

KATE: But I want to totally lead you on until I make sweet, sweet love with James.

JACK: What?

KATE: I have a messed up past and future!

JACK: You’re going to need nicer shoes.

KATE: Well, I did hear that someone had some Manolo Blahniks.



Elsewhere on the beach

HURLEY: So, I was rummaging for food in the fuselage and I was thinking, maybe we should do something about the... *spots Walt* R-L-Y S-T-I-N-K-I-E D-E-D B-O-D-Y-S.

WALT: I’m not five. I can spell "bodies" better than you.

SAYID: Back where I’m from, we take all the dead bodies, put them in a pile, point at their genitals, and burn them.

JACK: I’m going to go look for the cockpit and see if there’s a transceiver or something inside it.

CHARLIE: I’ll come with you. I feel like getting my drug on.

JACK: LOL, K.



Some pretty valley that is totally NOT Hawaii

KATE: You look familiar.

CHARLIE: Ever heard of Drive Shaft?

KATE: I experimented with that position back in college.

CHARLIE: No, the band.

KATE: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Yeah.

CHARLIE: Well, I played bass.

KATE: No wai! My friend absolutely loves your band!

JACK: You young kids and your dang music.



The beach (not the one with Leo)

A THUNDER STORM: *starts*

EVERYONE: *hides from the rain*

JIN: *runs off solicitors*

LOCKE: *enjoys the rain*

JUNGLE MONSTER: *stirs*

CLAIRE: There it is again.



At the site of the very front of the plane

CHARLIE: Let’s get my drugs and get out of here.

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *climb up towards the cockpit passing dead bodies... as one would*

JACK: *breaks open the cockpit door*

CAM: Is it really that easy?

DEAD BODY: *flies out freaking out everyone watching the show*

KATE: So, what does a transceiver look like?

JACK: It looks like a Talkboy.

KATE: I had a Talkgirl.

PILOT: I remember those!

JACK: OMG! Get this man some water, stat!

PILOT: How many survived?

JACK: At least 48.

PILOT: 48? What an odd number.

KATE: Actually, 42 would be odder.

PILOT: How long has it been?

JACK: 16.

KATE: There. Now you’re getting a hang of this numbers thing.

PILOT: Six hours into the flight, our radio went out.

KATE: It went out of the plane!?

PILOT: ...

JACK: ...

PILOT: No one could see us, so we turned around and headed to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we were way off course. They’re looking for us in the wrong place. I can read your mind. We have a transceiver right there.

JACK: Where’s Charlie?

KATE: Charlie?

CHARLIE: *comes out of the bathroom*

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

CHARLIE: This is a bathroom!?

JUNGLE MONSTER: *makes T-Rex sound again*

PILOT: What was that?

JACK: We don’t know and I don’t think we’re going to find out for a long time.

KATE: It’s right outside.

PILOT: *gets curious*

JUNGLE MONSTER: Curiosity killed the cat.

PILOT: *gets killed like a cat*

CHARLIE: Run away!



In the wet jungle

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *run away from the jungle monster*

CHARLIE: *foot gets caught in some vines* I’m not in the position to be able to slip my foot out of some vines.

JACK: *goes back to help*

KATE: *runs Forrest, runs and hides in some trees* Jack!

ALL: *is quiet*

KATE: One... two... five...

CHARLIE: Kate!

KATE: Where’s Jack!?

CHARLIE: I don’t know. He helped me out. And then he was gone.

KATE: We have to go back for him! He’s one-third of the love triangle!

CHARLIE: Are you mad!?

KATE: Yes.

CHARLIE: I heard you shout for Jack. How come you weren’t concerned about me?

KATE: Because for all you knew, you were just high and on a trip.

CHARLIE: That makes sense.

KATE: *finds pilot wings*

CHARLIE: If that’s there...

KATE AND CHARLIE: *look up in the trees and see…*

JACK: The pilot.

KATE: Did you see the monster?

JACK: No.

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...


FIN.