Forrest Gump D/S

Disclaimer: Forrest Gump has been one of my favorite movies ever since its release. It’s hard to write a parody on it because it is so serious and just so well-made. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Some Park Bench in Alabama, but is Really in Georgia

FEATHER: *floats* I symbolize fate and destiny.

FORREST GUMP: *picks up feather and puts it in favorite Curious George book*

NURSE AT PARK BENCH: *magically appears*

FORREST: Hello, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.

NURSE: *ignores* Maybe he’ll go away.

FORREST: Chocolate?

NURSE: *shakes head*

FORREST: My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”

NURSE: *continues to ignore the crazy man*

FORREST: You are wearing shoes.

NURSE: My feet hurt.

FORREST: My first pair of shoes hurt too.



Doctor’s Office

DOCTOR: The scary part is over; you can open your eyes now Forrest.

FORREST: *opens eyes and sees leg braces*

DOCTOR: Your son is all messed up, Mrs. Gump.

MRS. GUMP: He’s the same as everyone else!

FORREST: *fallsonface*

DOCTOR: Sure.

MRS. GUMP: Remember Forrest, you are the same as everyone else.



Forrest’s Elementary School’s Principal’s Office

PRINCIPAL: Your son is nothing like everyone else, Mrs. Gump.

MRS. GUMP: Surely there is someway he can stay at this school. *winks*

PRINCIPAL: Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?

MRS. GUMP: He’s on vacation.



At the Gump House

PRINCIPAL: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!

FORREST: *sits outside listening to everything*

PRINCIPAL: *walks outside* You don’t say much, do you?

FORREST: Heeheeheeheeheehee…

THE AUDIENCE: Who makes those sounds whilst doing the sex?

SAM ANDERSON: *slumps down in chair*



In Forrest’s Bedroom

MRS. GUMP: *reads Curious George to Forrest*

FORREST: Momma, what’s vacation mean?

MRS. GUMP: Vacation is when you go down to the dockside bars too much and sleep with some hefty sailor named Jim without using protection.

FORREST: *blinks*

MRS. GUMP: *continues reading*



Later, at the Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Forrest, suppa is ready!

ELVIS PRESLEY: *in his room, singing* You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time...

MRS. GUMP: *looks inside Elvis’ room in the off chance that Forrest might be in there*

FORREST: *dances funny*

MRS. GUMP: Forrest, I told you not to bother this nice young man.

ELVIS: *puts his pants back on* Uh, uh… no it’s okay ma’am. He was... uh... I was just showing him... uh... *picks up guitar really quick* ...my guitar!

MRS. GUMP: Okay. *walks out*

ELVIS: Remember, if you tell anyone, you’ll get in big trouble!



Downtown Greenbow

TV: *shows Elvis dancing funny*

FORREST: *stops to watch*

MRS. GUMP: *stops to watch*

FORREST: *thinks to self* I can’t tell momma or I’ll get in trouble.

NARRATOR FORREST: He died.

ELVIS FANS: So, that’s how he got all his cool moves! *fawn*



Waiting for the School Bus

MRS. GUMP: Here’s the bus. Be good.

FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*

BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?

FORREST: Momma always said, “Don’t take rides from strangers.”

BUS DRIVER: This is the bus to school, Retard.

FORREST: Um, I’m Forrest Gump.

BUS DRIVER: I’m a former SNL cast member, but no one remembers me.

FORREST: Well, now we ain’t strangers no more. *gets on bus*

DIRECTOR’S SON: Seat is taken.

CHUBBY BOY: Taken.

TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.

YOUNG GIRL: You can sit here.

FORREST: *sits*

YOUNG GIRL: *points at legs* What’s up with that?

FORREST: It’s all good.

YOUNG GIRL: My name is Jenny.

FORREST: My name is Forrest Gu-hump.



Oak Tree

NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny and me was like frozen dinner items. She taught me how to climb…

FORREST: *climbs*

NARRATOR FORREST: …I showed her how to dangle.

JENNY: *dangles*

NARRATOR FORREST: She taught me how to read…

FORREST: *reads*

NARRATOR FORREST: …and I showed her how to swing.

JENNY: *keeps reading*



Gump Driveway

BULLY #1: I throw rock at you!

ROCK #1: *hits Forrest in the back of the head*

FORREST: WTF!? Where did that come from?

BULLY #2: *throws rock*

ROCK #2: Face!

FORREST: Ow! Maybe if I just keep standing here, they’ll stop.

JENNY: Run Forrest!

FORREST: *turns and runs*

BULLY #3: Get the bikes!

BULLY #1: We’re gonna get you!

JENNY: At the risk of other people saying this line EVERYTIME someone is running… RUN, FORREST, RUN!

FORREST: *runs*

BULLIES: *bikes*

FORREST: *runs*

BULLIES: *bikes*

FORREST’S LEG BRACES: *dies*

FORREST: w00t!

JOHN WILLIAMS’ SOUNDTRACK: *pumps up a notch*

BULLIES: *stop because apparently bikes don’t work well on leveled grassy fields*

BULLY #2: Let’s try again when we have a car.

BULLY #1: This town is so boring.



Jenny’s House

FORREST: *runs up to Jenny* How did you get here so fast? You were just at my driveway with me.

JENNY: Quiet, daddy is sleeping.

DADDY: Jenny!?!?

JENNY: Dang! Run!

FORREST: *runs too fast for Jenny to keep up and ruins all the crops*



Gump Driveway Again

HIGH SCHOOL-AGED FORREST AND JENNY: *walk*

OLDER BULLY #1: *throws rock*

OLDER BULLY #2: Haha! Let’s see you outrun us now.

JENNY: *turns to Forrest*

FORREST: Run, Forrest, run?

JENNY: *nods*

FORREST: *turns and runs*

OLDER BULLY #3: *drives*

FORREST: *runs*

OLDER BULLIES: *drives*

FORREST: *runs*

OLDER BULLIES: *drives*

FORREST: OMG, SO CLOSE!

OLDER BULLIES: OMG, SO CLOSE!

FORREST: *veer*

OLDER BULLIES: *veer*

FORREST: *runs to football field where University of Alabama try-outs just happen to be going on*

QUARTERBACK: *throws*

FORREST: *runs*

RECEIVER: *catches and sees Forrest* Hey, you’re not allowed to be on this…

TACKLER: *tackles*

RECEIVER: ...ouch, my hip!



University of Alabama

KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *catches and runs over to Forrest* Coach says you are better than me. Take this and run.

FORREST: But no one is throwing rocks at me.

KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *throws rock*

FORREST: Crap. *runs*

THE OTHER TEAM: *misses tackles and feels stupid*

FORREST: Stupid is as stupid does. *runs to touchdown, and through a lost group of marching band members, and through the stadium exit, and through the campus grounds, and to the main entrance of the university*



Main Entrance of the University

NEWS REPORTER CHET HUNTLEY: Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door.

FORREST: Earl, what’s going on?

EARL: Coons are tryin’ to get into school.

FORREST: Coons!? Well, they be trying to get on our back porch, but momma just fights them off with a broom.

EARL: Not raccoons, you idiot! The N-word.

FORREST: ...

EARL: ...

FORREST: ...

EARL: *whispers* Niggers.

FORREST: I know… and?

EARL: *blinks*

GOVERNOR WALLACE: *dies*



Some Park Bench

NURSE: I can’t believe you said the N-word. Good day to you, sir! *leaves on bus*

SINGLE MOM (NOT JENNY): I remember when Wallace got shot.

FORREST: Who?

SINGLE MOM: Wallace. The guy that didn’t want those students entering the school.

FORREST: …

SINGLE MOM: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: Jenny went to an all-girls college.



All-girls College (Future Girls Gone Wild Headquarters)

JENNY: *hits head against car window* Ouch ba-ba-ba-ba!

FORREST: *walks over to car and opens driver’s side door* I KEEL YOU! *punches*

BILLY: *can’t protect himself from a mentally handicapped man*

THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they’re allowed to laugh*



Inside Jenny’s Dorm Room

JENNY: You ever been with a girl before Forrest?

FORREST: I sit next to them in home ec. class.

JENNY: No, I mean… *shows breasts*

FORREST: *stares at breasts*

JENNY: *still feeling frisky makes Forrest touch her breasts*

FORREST: *orgasm*

JENNY: *sighs*

ADAM HERZ: Hmmmm…

FORREST: I think I ruined your roommate’s robe.

JENNY: She’s a bitch.



White House

NARRATOR FORREST: I got put on the All-American Football Team, so I got to meet the President of the United States.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: How does it feel to be an All-American?

FORREST: I gotta pee.

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: I believe he said he had to go pee.

THE AUDIENCE: No way! JFK said that!

THE FORREST GUMP SPECIAL EFFECT DEPARTMENT: SO EASY!

PHOTOSHOPPERS: SO EASY! *make pictures of JFK doing Marilyn Monroe*

PRESIDENT KENNEDY: *dies*

ROBERT KENNEDY: *dies*



University of Alabama

FORREST: *receives diploma*

MILITARY RECRUITER: *snarls* Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future?

FORREST: To?



Army Bus

RECRUIT #1: Seat’s taken.

RECRUIT #2: Taken.

TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.

BLACK MAN: You can sit here, shrimp.

FORREST: *sits*

BLACK MAN: You ever been on a real shrimp boat, shrimp?

FORREST: No.

BLACK MAN: I have all my life, shrimp. The name is Bubba, shrimp.

FORREST: Okay, Bubba Shrimp.

BLACK MAN: No, just Bubba, shrimp.

FORREST: That’s what I said, Bubba Shrimp.

BLACK MAN: NO!!! Just Bub-ba… shrimp.

FORREST: You confuse me Shrimp.



Army Barracks

DRILL SERGEANT: GUMP! What’s your sole purpose in the Army!?!?

FORREST: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!

DRILL SERGEANT: *makes him do 200 push-ups and flutter kicks for making such a smartass remark*

THE AUDIENCE: *still aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*



Army Barracks, Another Day

BUBBA: *assembles rifle slowly* On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp.

FORREST: *finishes assembling gun* Done, Drill Sergeant!

DRILL SERGEANT: I lessthanthree you Gump! Now disassemble!

FORREST: *begins disassembling*

BUBBA: Before I was so rudely interrupted, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There’s shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole...



Another Day

BUBBA: ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp...



Yet Another Day

BUBBA: ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it.

FORREST: *head explodes ending the movie*

THE AUDIENCE: OMG! Poor Forrest! He got shrimp-talked to death! We want our money back!

FORREST: *stops and stares at Bubba then continues working*

THE AUDIENCE: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I smell an Oscar!

FORREST: I wonder what Jenny is doing.



Memphis Night Club

EMCEE: Here’s Jen… I mean, Bobbie Dylan!

CROWD: More like Boobie Dylan.

FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *punches crowd*

JENNY: What are you doing, Forrest!?

FORREST: *picks up fully nude Jenny, but doesn’t have an orgasm for some reason this time*

JENNY: Let me down!



Some Memphis Bridge

JENNY: Think I can fly off this bridge?

FORREST: What?

JENNY: Nothing. I’m out.

FORREST: So, they’re sending me to Vietnam.

JENNY: Run Forrest run.



Firebase/4th Platoon

BUBBA: I bet there’s shrimp all in these waters.

FORREST: *sighs*

OFFICER: You must be my new F.N.G.’s. *snickers*

FORREST AND BUBBA: *salute*

SNIPER: *snipes* Headshot!

OFFICER: Dang it! Look what you did! Don’t ever salute me again! BTW, my name is Lieutenant Dan Taylor, but for some reason I like using my first name after my rank because Lieutenant Taylor sounds dumb. Now, take care of your socks and don’t kill yourself.

FORREST: I’m SO screwed.



Dirt Road

LT. DAN: Get down! Shut up!

THE PLATOON: *gets down, shuts up*

LT. DAN: *low-crawls around a bush*

SQUIRREL: *runs away frightened*

LT. DAN: On your feet. Move out.



Encampment

NARRATOR FORREST: I thought about Jenny a lot.



Jenny’s Grandmother’s Trailer

JENNY: I’m out.



Jungle

THE PLATOON: *takes fire*

LT. DAN: Take cover!

SOLDIERS: *die*

LT. DAN: Pull back!

BUBBA: Run, Forrest, run!

FORREST: You’re not Jenny. *turns and runs*

GRENADE: *explodes*

FORREST: *reaches river* Bubba? Not good. *runs back into jungle*

TEX: Forrest!

FORREST: Where are you from again?

TEX: Get me out of here!

FORREST: *carries Tex to the river and goes back into the jungle*

DALLAS: Forrest!

FORREST: You aren’t Bubba.

DALLAS: Come on!

FORREST: *carries Dallas to the river and goes back into the jungle*

LT. DAN: Charlie is everywhere!

FORREST: *doesn’t remember a Charlie in his platoon*

LT. DAN: I gotta have those fast movers in here now!

FORREST: Piggy back!

LT. DAN: No! Leave me to die here!

FORREST: *carries Lt. Dan to the river, but gets shot in the butt* BAD TOUCH!

LT. DAN: *pulls out pistol and fires at the ground* WAHHHHHHH!

FORREST: *gets back up and carries Lt. Dan to the river and goes back in the jungle*

BUBBA: Shrimp…

FORREST: Bubba? *carries Bubba to the river just as air strike napes the whole jungle*

NARRATOR FORREST: If I’d a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I’d a thought of something better to say.

FORREST: I really miss 99 cent taco Mondays.

BUBBA: *dies*



Some Park

FORREST: And that was that.

RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: It was a bullet that got you in the butt, right?

FORREST: Duh!

THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*



Army Hospital Beds

FORREST: *wearing a man diaper* I brought you ice cream Lt. Dan.

LT. DAN: This is what I think of your stupid ice cream. *takes ice cream and puts it in bed pan* Get it!? Crap!

MALE NURSE: Time for your bath L.T.

LT. DAN: Best part of my day.



Army Hospital Common Room

PING-PONG BALL: *hits Forrest in the head*

FORREST: Run, Forrest, run! *begins to run*

WOUNDED BLACK SOLDIER: Stop Forrest! Let me show you how to play ping-pong.

SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: *nudges male nurse and whispers* This oughtta be good.

NARRATOR FORREST: For some reason, ping-pong came very natural to me.

MALE NURSE: Pwn’d! Bath time.

SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: Crap.



Army Hospital Rec. Room

OFFICER: P.F.C. Gump?

FORREST: *stands at attention* Yes, sir!

SNIPER: *snipes* Own’d.

OFFICER: Dang it! How many times do we have to tell you people! *frustrated sigh* Here. Medal of Honor letter.



White House

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: *places Medal of Honor on Forrest* I heard you got shot. Where?

FORREST: In the buttocks, sir.

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: I’d kinda like to see that.

FORREST: *reveals wound*

PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Yes, well… *cough*



Lincoln Memorial

CRAZY HIPPIE WOMAN: *gathers the vets, including Forrest and takes them to a stage in front of a rally*

VET: *taps Forrest on the shoulder* You’re a good man for doing this.

FORREST: You smell like bacon fat.

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *motions to Forrest* Effin’ come up here man.

FORREST: *walks up to microphone*

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Tell us a little bit about the effin’ war, man.

FORREST: The war in Vietnam?

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *sarcastically* No, the war in effin’ Canada!

FORREST: ...

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Get off my stage.

JENNY: *wades out into the reflection pool* Forrest!

FORREST: Jenny! *runs down into reflection pool*

JENNY: *hug*

FORREST: *hug*

HIPPIES: Yay for hugs! *hugs*

ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Isn’t that illegal or something?



Black Panther Headquarters

BLACK PANTHER: Hey, cracka! Get away from the window!

FORREST: *eyes Ritz crackers on the table by the window and moves them away*

BLACK PANTHER: ...

HIPPIE GUY: Jenny, where have you been?

JENNY: Wesley, meet my good friend Forrest Gump.

WESLEY: Whatev.

JENNY: Well, you’re about to meet him very well in about 10 seconds.

WESLEY: *slaps Jenny*

FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *tackles Wesley and punches him*

THE AUDIENCE: *looks around at each other to see if anyone is laughing*

BLACK PANTHER: Out.



Washington, D.C.

NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny told me about all the travelin’ she’s done.



Route 66 Flashback

JENNY: *hitches a ride*



Commune in New Mexico Flashback

JENNY: *eats a sugar cube of acid*



Hollywood Walk of Fame Flashback

JENNY: *hitches a ride to San Francisco*

JEAN HARLOW STAR: My curves aren’t what they used to be.



Back in Washington, D.C.

FORREST: Don’t go.

JENNY: I have to go get AIDS though. *gets on bus with Wesley*

FORREST: *glare of death*



China Ping-pong Tournament

NARRATOR FORREST: They sent me to China to play ping-pong on the All-American Ping-Pong Team.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.

CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.

FORREST: Pong.



The Dick Cavett Show

DICK CAVETT: Here is Forrest Gump.

FORREST: *sits*

DICK CAVETT: Forrest Gump, meet John Lennon.

FORREST: Your name reminds me of citrus-ey goodness.

JOHN LENNON: ...

NARRATOR FORREST: No wonder he got shot.

THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*



Outside the Studio

LT. DAN: *in wheelchair* They gave you the Medal of Honor!?

FORREST: Yes, sir.

LT. DAN: They gave you the Medal… of… Honor?

FORREST: *looks left and right* Yes, sir.

LT. DAN: *attempts suicide by sliding down an icy ramp in his wheelchair*



Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room

LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?

FORREST: I thought we were looking for Charlie.

LT. DAN: ...

FORREST: ...

LT. DAN: Go get me booze.

FORREST: *leaves*



Times Square Bar

DICK CLARK: *on TV* I hope I get to do a few more of these New Year’s things.

FORREST: So, I promised Bubba that I would go into the shrimpin’ business after the war.

LT. DAN: You’re joking, right?

FORREST: No, sir.

LT. DAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! If you ever become a shrimp boat captain, I’ll be your astronaut that gets stuck on Earth, but will save you from death in space because I got ill before we had to leave for our mission.

FORREST: First mate would do fine.

SLUTTY GIRL: *walks up to Lt. Dan* Hey baby!

LT. DAN: Hey, slutty hoe Carla and big boobs Lenore.

BIG BOOBS LENORE: *points at the TV* Hey, we was just there!

FORREST: You were at Dick Clark?

EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR!



Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room

LENORE: *kisses Forrest and reaches for his crotch*

FORREST: *stands up causing her to fall down*

CARLA: Is your friend stupid or something?

LT. DAN: *slap*

CARLA AND LENORE: *run away*

LT. DAN: *falls out of wheelchair*

FORREST: *tries to help*

LT. DAN: No. *pulls himself back up into his wheelchair*

FORREST: I’m sorry Lt. Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.

LT. DAN: Meh, that’s alright Forrest. Mine tasted like excrement. Happy New Year.



White House

NARRATOR FORREST: I got to see the President again, but this time I didn’t do anything embarrassing!

PRESIDENT NIXON: You should stay at this brand new hotel.



The Watergate Hotel

FORREST: *on the phone* Yeah, sir, there’s these people playing flashlight tag in the room across the way and it’s keeping me awake.

SECURITY GUARD: Okay, sir. I’ll try to get them to stop.

FORREST: No, sir. I want to play too.

SECURITY GUARD: ...

FORREST : ...

SECURITY GUARD: *hangs up*



Gymnasium

OFFICER: Sergeant Gump!

FORREST: *stand at attention* Yes, sir?

OFFICER: *dives and takes cover*

SNIPER: *misses* Darn.

OFFICER: *gets back up* Ha-ha! You’re out, son.

FORREST: I’m out.



Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Welcome home, son. We’ve had all sorts of visitors.

FORREST: Wow, look at all this ping-pong stuff.

MRS. GUMP: One man left a check for 25 thousand dollars if you’d be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle.

FORREST: As long as they don’t want to see my buttocks.



Bayou la Batre

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

BUBBA’S MOM: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

OLD SHRIMPER: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.

BUBBA’S DEAD BODY: Heck ya, shrimp!

FORREST: I only caught five today.

OLD SHRIMPER: Are you shrimp cocktail or something? You should name your boat.

FORREST: *goes with the obvious and names the boat Jenny*

THE AUDIENCE: I totally guessed that one.

FORREST: She’s an angel. I wonder what she’s doing right now…



Disco

JENNY: *does smack*



Bayou la Batre

FORREST: I hope she’s happy doing whatever she’s doing.



Apartment

JENNY: *walks out onto the ledge and considers jumping but doesn’t and instead rocks back and forth while crying*



Bayou la Batre

FORREST: *sigh*

LT. DAN: *waits on dock*

FORREST: Lieutenant Dan! *jumps off boat and swims to Lt. Dan*

LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?

FORREST’S SHRIMPING BOAT: *crashes into a dock*



Bayou la Batre Waters

LT. DAN: *points left* That way!

FORREST: *steers right*

LT. DAN: Do you not know your left from your right, Gump?

FORREST: *stops for a second and continues turning right*

LT. DAN: Other way…

FORREST: *finally steers in correct direction*

LT. DAN: That is where we’ll find ‘em. I’m sure of it! I’ll bet my left leg on that.

FORREST: *shrimps* No shrimp although I bet Bubba’s mom could turn this toilet seat into a mighty fine stew.

LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?



The Boat

RAIN: *rains*

WIND: *winds*

LT. DAN: You’ll never sink this boat, Lord! BWAHAHAHAHA!

THE LORD: Meh, I could if I wanted to.

RAIN: *dies*

WIND: *dies*

FORREST: *shrimps* OMFG! Look at all this shrimp!

NARRATOR FORREST: And that’s how the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation got started.



Some Park

RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: I don’t believe. *walks away laughing hysterically*

ELDERLY WOMAN: Great story.

FORREST: I’m for reals.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Suuuure, hon’.

FORREST: Here’s a picture. *shows magazine cover*

ELDERLY WOMAN: I don’t have my glasses on.

FORREST: On?



The Boat

LT. DAN: Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life.

FORREST: I was trying to save Bubba.

LT. DAN: What!?

FORREST: Nothing, shrimp.

LT. DAN: *jumps… erm… flings self into ocean*

FORREST: You’re welcome.

PRESIDENT FORD: *dies* Actually, I’m feeling better.

NEWS REPORTER: No you’re not; you’ll be stone dead in a moment.

PRESIDENT FORD: I feel happy!

THE AUDIENCE: Wait… this is from Monty Python.

RADIO: Base to Jenny Five Hundred and Sixty-seven.

LT. DAN: This is Jenny Five Six Seven.

RADIO: Forrest’s momma is sick.

FORREST: *jumps in ocean*

LT. DAN: I hate people that can swim with their legs.



Gump House

MRS. GUMP: Hey, Forrest!

FORREST: Momma, what’s wrong with you?

MRS. GUMP: Oh nothing, I’m fine!

FORREST: Why are you dyin’?

THE AUDIENCE: *tear*

MRS. GUMP: It’s just destiny.

FORREST: What’s my destiny?

MRS. GUMP: Well, according to that feather, your destiny is to be stuck on the inside cover of a Curious George book.

NARRATOR FORREST: Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. She got the cancer and dieded.

THE AUDIENCE: We need more tissues! Woe!



Outside Gump House

NARRATOR FORREST: Now, because I basically wrote history, I mowed lawns for a living and I did it for free.

FORREST: *mows*

JENNY: *arrives*

FORREST: *stops*

JENNY: *stops*

FORREST: ...

THE AUDIENCE: *gasp*

JENNY: Hey...

FORREST: *HUGGERZZZZZZZ!*

THE AUDIENCE: Seriously! Where are the tissues!?!?

THE KLEENEX COMPANY: We’re still on back order because of last year’s Schindler’s List.



Countryside

JENNY: *throws rocks at old house*

FORREST: *watches*

JENNY: *falls*

FORREST: The last time someone threw rocks around me, you told me to run.

JENNY: I wasn’t trying to hit you.

FORREST: I didn’t think so, because if I did, I think I would be in Seattle by now.



Inside the Gump House

JENNY: *turns TV off*

FORREST: Marry me.

JENNY: You don’t want to marry me.

FORREST: Why not?

JENNY: Well, I’m a crack whore who did PCP while surfing over UDP and capturing TCP packets on IDS with two monitors on at the same time with A1C’s and SSgt’s who took their CDC’s during their IQT’s with certainty.

FORREST: I’m not a smart man, so I have no idea what you just said.

JENNY: I won’t marry you, but I’ll give you pity sex.



Forrest’s Bedroom

FORREST AND JENNY: *have pity sex*

JENNY: *gets in taxi and leaves*

THE SOUND: *goes out for, like, five minutes*

FORREST: *runs, Forrest, runs*



Barber Shop

FORREST: *runs*



Alabama Road

FORREST: *runs*



Santa Monica

FORREST: *runs*



Atlantic Ocean

FORREST: *runs*



Special Olympics

FORREST: *runs*

CROWD: He beat two trees!



Highway

FORREST: *runs*



Coffee Shop

TV: *shows Forrest running*

JENNY: OMG! I had pity sex with that guy!

NEWS REPORTER: Sir, why are you running?

FORREST: I know, it’s weird. No rocks being thrown at me and no people shooting at me.

NARRATOR FORREST: Eventually, people wanted to run with me.

THE AUDIENCE: Wait… so, we’re supposed to believe that this guy created the “Sh*t happens” bumper stick and the “Have a nice day” smiley face?

ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Well, yeah. You believed he met J.F.K., right?

THE AUDIENCE: True.



Monument Valley

FORREST: *stops running after a billion years*

RUNNER: Shut up. He’s going to say something.

FORREST: I just remembered that I forgot to close my garage door. I think I’ll go home now.

RUNNER: I can’t believe I did something crazy like this without being drunk or high.



Some Park Bench

FORREST: And then, out of the blue, I got a letter from Jenny asking me to come see her.

ELDERLY WOMAN: Let me see what her address is. You didn’t need to wait for a bus and tell all those stories. Her place is just about five or six blocks down that way. You can just run, Forrest, run.

FORREST: *is gone*



Jenny’s Apartment

JENNY: Hey!

FORREST: Hey.

BABYSITTER: Hey.

KID: Hey.

JENNY: This is Mr. Gump.

KID: Hey.

FORREST: Hey.

JENNY: He’s your son Forrest.

FORREST: Hey!

JENNY: ...

FORREST: I mean, what!?

JENNY: It’s okay, go watch Sesame Street with him.

FORREST: He’s already smarter than me.

THE AUDIENCE: Everything is going so well.



Gump House

LOUISE: Forrest, it’s time to start.

JENNY: *walks out wearing the ugliest wedding dress known to woman*

LT. DAN: *walks, that’s right, walks up*

FORREST: You got new legs!?!?

LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?

JENNY: That’s what I said when I first met him, too.

FORREST AND JENNY: *get married*

JENNY: *dies*



Jenny’s Grave at Old Oak Tree

THE AUDIENCE: NOOOOOOOO! WHY!?!? Why did she have to do all those drugs!?!?

FORREST: I had you placed under our favorite tree, I had a bulldozer take down your father’s house, and Mini-Me Forrest is better than me at everything.

THE AUDIENCE: *wipe tears and blow noses on theatre seats*



Road

FORREST: Here’s the bus. Be good.

MINI-ME FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*

BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?

MINI-ME FORREST: Weren’t you on Saturday Night Live?

BUS DRIVER: *fawn*

BUS: *drives away*

FEATHER: *attacks camera lens*


FIN.