Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire D/S

Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong... I love the Harry Potter books and movies. I find that the bigger fan-base a movie has, the easier it is to poke fun at it. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. My wife, Bethany, acted as a great researcher and editor. Thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Somewhere at Night

NA-CGI-GINI: *crawls up through some undergrowth as magical floating letters appear in the sky reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"*



Dark Room

OLD MAN: *puts kettle on and notices someone has turned a light on in the creepy big house up on the hill*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Old man? He has a name and it’s Frank and he has an entire back-story that is really important because...

DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: Oh, no he doesn’t!

OLD MAN: Bloody kids!



Creepy Big House

OLD MAN: *sneaks up to a room where three men are speaking*

WORMTAIL: Maybe if we do it the same, but different...

VOLDEMORT: NO! We will do it the way I say and that is that!

UNKNOWN MAN: I will not disappoint you, my lord.

VOLDEMORT: Good. Gather up the troops and draw fire!

NA-CGI-GINI: *slithers past the oldfrankman and whispers something in parsel-tongue to Voldemort*

VOLDEMORT: Come now, Nagini! You know I don’t speak Spanish.

NA-CGI-GINI: *re-whispers*

VOLDEMORT: I see. Apparently there is an oldfrankman standing right outside the door.

WORMTAIL: *opens the door to reveal oldfrankman standing there*

VOLDEMORT: Step aside so I can give him a proper greeting.

OLD MAN: Oh well, in that case, hello there. My name is Fra...

VOLDEMORT: OH, NO IT’S NOT! AVADA CADAVAR!



The Weasley House

HARRY: *is having a nightmare about everything above and his scar is hurting*

HERMIONE: Wake up, Harry!

HARRY: Hey... you’ve gotten... bigger.

HERMIONE: ...and you’ve gotten deeper.

HARRY: When did you get here?

HERMIONE: Just now, you?

HARRY: I... don’t... know... first, I was at my aunt and uncle’s and now I’m here...

HERMIONE: I don’t care, but I’m sure it was a funny story. Wake up Ron!

RON: But, I’m not decent! And you’re... bigger.



Somewhere in the Woods

RON: Wait! I didn’t get to say good-bye to Mom!

MR. WEASLEY: Who?

RON: Where are we going anyways?

MR. WEASLEY: Haven’t the foggiest, keep up!

HARRY: Wait... he doesn’t know where we are going?

AMOS: There you are. What took you?

MR. WEASLEY: Ginny fell in the toilet again. We had to pull her out.

CEDRIC: *falls out of the sky*

MR. WEASLEY: And this handsome, strapping young lad must be your son, Cedric?

CEDRIC: Yes, sir.

AMOS: And you must be Harry Potter!

RON: Oh, no, I’m Ronald Weas...

AMOS: *walks past Ron to Harry*

RON: Oh, yes, of course... him.

HARRY: Hello, sir.

AMOS: Pleasure.

HARRY: Yes... pleasure...?

AMOS: This way, everyone.



Up on ze Hill Lies das Boot

HARRY: Why is everyone standing around that old boot?

FRED: It’s...

GEORGE: ...not...

FRED: ...just...

GEORGE: ...a...

FRED: ...boot.

GEORGE: It’s...

FRED: ...a...

GEORGE: ...portkey.

HARRY: That’s not a key. It’s a boot!

MR. WEASLEY: Not a key, Harry. A portkey.

HARRY: That thing would never fit into a keyhole.

MR. WEASLEY: Just touch it.

EVERYONE: *touches the portkey and flies through the air*

MR. WEASLEY: Let go kids!

HERMIONE: Foo’. I know you be jokin’, right?

MR. WEASLEY: Let! Go!

HARRY: *lets go of the portkey*

HERMIONE: *lets go of the portkey*

RON: *lets go of the portkey*

AND THEY ALL: *fall down*

CEDRIC: *helps Harry up*

HARRY: *boycrushes*



Tent City

MR. WEASLEY: Welcome to the Quidditch World Cup.

MAGIC JUGGLER: *hits Hermione in the face*

WIZARDS ON BROOMS: *fly by*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Aren’t they afraid of being seen?

HARRY POTTER FANS: *perform memory charms*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Oh, look! Shiny red things!

MR. WEASLEY: Here is our tent.

EVERYONE EXCEPT HARRY: *goes into the tent*

HARRY: There is no way that we are all going to fit in that tent.

RON: Come on Harry!

HARRY: *goes into the tent to find that it is magically bigger*

MR. WEASLEY: Ginny, you can’t sleep there. That’s Harry’s bed!

GINNY: *blushes and runs away*

HARRY: I lessthanthree magic.



Stadium de la Cup de la World

RON: Geez, dad... how far up are our seats?

LUCIUS: Your seats are so high that when you spit off of them, it will take a really long time until it hits the ground.

DRACO: Good one, dad.

LUCIUS: Shut up, boy!

DRACO: *tear*

LUCIUS: *pins Harry’s foot down with his pimp cane*

HARRY: What?

LUCIUS: Do try to enjoy yourself while you still can, wink.

HARRY: Did you mean to say "wink," or actually wink?

LUCIUS: I... shut up!



On the 500th Floor of the Stadium

MR. WEASLEY: I told you these were good seats.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Please let there be Winky. Please let there be Winky.

DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: I don’t believe in house elves.

SOMEWHERE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD: *a house elf falls down dead*

FRED: It’s...

GEORGE: ...the...

FRED: ...Irish!

IRISH QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead while drinking beers*

GEORGE: Now...

FRED: ...the...

GEORGE: ...Bulgarians!

BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead led by a cocky broom flier*

RON: Who is that?

TWINS: Krum!

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air a hundred times*

RON: *boycrushes*

MINISTER OF MAGIC: Ready. Fight!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Yes!

THE SCENE: *ends*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Nooooooooooo!



Back at the Weasley Tent

RON: Krum is the best. Krum can beat anyone. Krum is the man. Krum is better than a man.

GINNY: Think you’re in love, Ron?

RON: Gotten off Harry, have you!?

GINNY: *blushes and runs away*

FRED: Sounds...

GEORGE: ...like...

FRED: ...the...

GEORGE: ...Irish...

FRED: ...have...

GEORGE: ...got...

FRED: ...their...

GEORGE: ...pride...

FRED: ...on.

MR. WEASLEY: It’s not the Irish.

GEORGE: The British?

MR. WEASLEY: No.

FRED: Ze Germans?

MR. WEASLEY: No.

RON: Le French?

EVERYBODY EXCEPT RON: *laughs*

MR. WEASLEY: Ahem... no. We’ve got to get out of here.

RON: So, it’s not the French.



Outside where People are Running for Their Lives, Fire is Conjured out of Nowhere, and Wizards in Hooded Robes Rule the Land (not Ringwraiths)

MR. WEASLEY: Everyone back to das boot! Fred and George, Ginny is your responsibility.

GINNY: Oh, come on, Dad! Let me go with Harry!

MR. WEASLEY: Do as I say! You don’t want to have another toilet accident again, do you?

GINNY: *gulps and leaves with Fred and George*

HERMIONE: Come on Harry!

HARRY: *KO’d*



Time Passes in Tent City Where Smoke Still Rises

UNKNOWN MAN: *casts a spell which causes a bright flash and a large ghostly skull forms in the sky with a snake crawling from it*

HARRY: *awakens and sees this unknown man*

UNKNOWN MAN: *goes after Harry until he hears the sounds of other people, so he flees*

RON: We’ve been looking for you for ages.

HARRY: Is that why you have lipstick all over your face?

HERMIONE: I tripped and my lips fell on his face.

HARRY: Right. What’s that because it is making my scar hurt like something fierce.

MINISTRY OF MAGIC: *suddenly appears and casts stupefy on the trio, but they all seem to have bad aim and miss*

MR. WEASLEY: STOP! That’s my son, Fred!

RON: I’m not Fred.

MR. WEASLEY: George!

RON: I’m not George either.

MR. WEASLEY: Charlie?

RON: He’s never even been in any of the movies so far.

MR. WEASLEY: Oh, right... Percy.

RON: ...

MR. WEASLEY: ...Ginny?

BARTY: Which of you conjured it!?

HARRY: Conjured what?

HERMIONE: That is the dark mark Harry. His mark.

HARRY: Barty’s?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: Mr. Weasley’s?

HERMIONE: No.

HARRY: ...Ginny?

HERMIONE: ...

HARRY: Oh, right, Voldemort!

BARTY: His name doesn’t bother us anymore for some reason, but yes.

HARRY: There was a man just over there.

BARTY: This way, crew!

MR. WEASLEY: A man, Harry?

HARRY: Yeah, you know, like a woman, but with a penis.

MR. WEASLEY: I know that! Who was it?

HARRY: Oh... um... Ginny?



Hogwarts Express Carriage

LADY: Anything from the trolley?

RON: Packet of Droobles and a licorice wand.

LADY: That’ll be £4.50.

RON: On second thought, how much is your dust?

HARRY: I’ll have a...

CHO: Two pumpkin pasties, please.

HARRY: ...Cho...

CHO’S FRIENDS: *laugh*

HARRY: ...um... Cho... chocolate frog!

LADY: Nice try sonny, but I think she caught on.

HARRY: *sits back down*

HERMIONE: This is horrible. How can the Ministry not know who conjured the dark mark?

RON: Well, you see, the person probably conjured it and then ran so as to not get caught.

HERMIONE: Thanks. Harry, you should tell Sirius about your nightmare and what happened at the World Cup.

HARRY: *sends Hedwig off with a letter to Sirius*

HEDWIG: You shall never see me again.



Outside Hogwarts

THE STUDENTS: *run over to see a carriage being pulled by seven flying horses*

HAGRID: Clear the runway!

THE STUDENTS: *gather to also see a large ship emerge from under the water*

HAGRID: Clear the port!



Great Hall of Hogwarts

DUMBLEDORE: Now that we’re all settled in and sorted...

HARRY POTTER FANS: I must have missed that part.

DUMBLEDORE: ...I’d like to make an announcement. We’re going to have to share our castle with foreigners.

STUDENTS: *groan*

FILCH: *runs like a girl*

HARRY POTTER FANS: [sarcastic] Oh, let’s add in Filch running funny, but cut out the whole house elves thing. Smart. [/sarcastic]

DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts will be hosting a legendary event. The Tri-Wizard Tournament.

FILCH: *whispers in Dumbledore’s ear and runs away... like a girl*

DUMBLEDORE: Let me introduce our foreigners. The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and their headmistress Madam Maxime.

GROUP OF GIRLS: *come in through the main door and conjure chirping butterflies from their armpits*

RON: Bloody hell!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Not as mesmerizing as I would have hoped.

SEAMUS: That’s a huge b*tch.

MADAME MAXIME: *tear*

DUMBLEDORE: And now, greet the proud sons of Durmstrang and the high master, Igor Karkaroff.

GROUPS OF BOYS: *come in through the main door playing with the fire sticks*

HERMIONE: Bloody hell!

RON: Blimey, it’s Viktor Krum!

KRUM: *is apparently too good for cartwheels and somersaults, so he just walks in with Karkaroff*



Meanwhile, Outside Hogwarts

A PLOT POINT: *arrives*



Back in the Great Hall

KARKAROFF: *has a staring match with Snape*

MADAME MAXIME: Dumbledore, my horses have traveled a long way. They will need attending to.

DUMBLEDORE: Not to worry. I’ll just assign our only half-giant Hagrid to care for them.

MADAME MAXIME: Monsieur Hagrid, they only drink single malt whisky like I do.

HAGRID: I... uh... yes... I will feed your whore... uh, horsies! Yes. Hot in here?

DUMBLEDORE: Everyone! Your attention please. I’d like to say a few words. Magnifying glass, cherry blossoms, truffles, atlas, North Pole... no, I take that last one back. I’m going to hang on to that one.

STUDENTS: What... the... hell?

DUMBLEDORE: A student will be chosen from each school to compete in three tasks. The three tasks are The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.

HARRY: I call the Wardrobe.

DUMBLEDORE: Just kidding. That would be absurd and much too easy. Or, hard? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Either way, the ministry has decided to add in a new rule. To explain this rule, we have brought in Bartimus Crouch all the way from the Ministry of Magic and the Department of International Magical Cooperation...

STRANGE MAN: *enters the great hall from the back entrance*

THUNDER: *thunders in the great hall*

RAIN: *rains in the great hall*

STRANGE MAN: *casts a spell at the ceiling to make the bad weather stop*

RON: It’s Mad-Eye Moody.

HERMIONE: The auror?

DEAN THOMAS: Auror?

HARRY POTTER FANS: DEAN SPEAKS!

RON: An auror is a dark wizard catcher according to Webster’s. Half the cells in Azkaban are full thanks to him.

DUMBLEDORE: My dear old friend! Thanks for coming.

MAD-EYE MOODY: You should look into getting that ceiling fixed. It never broke down in the book.

DUMBLEDORE: Indeed.

MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes a swig of plot point*

SEAMUS: Wazzat hee drinken yoo ‘spose?

HARRY: I can’t understand what Seamus is saying. Stupid Irish!

BARTY: After much deliberation, the Ministry has concluded that for their own safety, no student under the age of seventeen shall be allowed to put forth their name for the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

STUDENTS: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

DUMBLEDORE: Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilence!

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *is revealed*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Ohhhhh, pretty.

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: It’s only a model.

DUMBLEDORE: Here’s the dilly-o. Put you name in by Thursday. Once done, there is no turning back. From this moment on, the Tri-Wizard Tournament has begun!

STUDENTS: *waits for something to happen*

DUMBLEDORE: ...everyone to bed.



At the Great Hall while Everyone is Asleep

KARKAROFF: Now, to confuse the audience...



DADA Classroom

MAD-EYE MOODY: The name is Mad-Eye, you see. Dumbledore wanted me here. There are three unforgivable curses, you see. Put that gum somewhere else, Irish boy. Weasley, first curse please.

RON: The...

MAD-EYE MOODY: That’s right. The imperious curse. Goes like this, you see.

SPIDER: *gets lifted and controlled by Mad-Eye*

MAD-EYE MOODY: It’s fun to torture spiders, you see. Do you like spider, Mr. Malfoy?

DRACO: My beautiful hair!

MAD-EYE MOODY: You get the point; I can make it do whatever I want. Mr. Longbottom, next curse plzkthx.

NEVILLE: C...

MAD-EYE MOODY: Cruciatus curse. Yes, correct, you see. Also known as the torture curse. Observe!

SPIDER: *cries*

NEVILLE: *cries*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Poor Neville!

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: That curse sounds like seafood.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Miss Granger, last curse.

HERMIONE: ...

MAD-EYE MOODY: Avada Kadavra!

SPIDER: *dies and its guts squirt all over Hermione*

RON: Best. Lesson. Ever.



Spiral Stairs

HERMIONE: Are you okay, Neville?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom, I need to show you a plot point.

NEVILLE: *leaves with Moody*



Goblet Room

CEDRIC: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*

RON: *boycrushes*

GEORGE: We...

FRED: ...are...

GEORGE: ...going...

FRED: ...to...

GEORGE: ...enter...

FRED: ...our...

GEORGE: ...names.

HERMIONE: It’s not going to work.

ALL OF THE 13-YEAR-OLD BOYS: OMG, she’s looking right at me.

THE TWINS: *drink a potion and submit their names*

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: You’re fired!

DONALD TRUMP: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.

THE TWINS: *fly back and turn into old men*

THE NEW DUMBLEDORE: *does have a sense of humor after all*

KRUM: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*

HERMIONE: *boycrushes*

RON: *boycrushes*



The Goblet Room on Thursday Night

DUMBLEDORE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! The champion selection!

EVERYONE: *cheers*

DUMBLEDORE: Krum!

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air some more*

DUMBLEDORE: Fleur!

FLEUR: *fixes her hair*

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric!

CEDRIC: *blinds everyone with his smile*

ALL OF THE BOYS AT HOGWARTS: *boycrush*

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: He’s only a model.

DUMBLEDORE: We have our three champions! Join us next week for another exciting episode. Same bat time, same robin channel.

THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *never spits out Harry’s name and he actually has a peaceful year at Hogwarts where he watches the Tri-Wizard Tournament and Voldemort does not use him to come back...*

THE AUDIENCE: I paid ten bucks for that!?

DUMBLEDORE: *catches another name*

SNAPE: I confused.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter.

HAGRID: No.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter? Do we have a Harry Potter in this school?

HARRY: I hope not.

DUMBLEDORE: HARRY POTTER!

HERMIONE: You better go up there before he dies, too.

RICHARD HARRIS: Low blow, Cam. Low blow.

CAM: Oh, yeah? Well, writing these things isn’t actually easy. You try and think of a better joke.

RICHARD HARRIS: You could always add in farting. That is always funny.

CAM: Good point.

HERMIONE: *farts*

RON: Bloody hell!

HERMIONE: Sorry, I had a bean flavored Every Flavor Bean earlier today.



Random Area Behind the Goblet Room with Shiny Spinning Stuff

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire!?

HARRY: No, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: *slaps Harry across the face*

HARRY: *cries*

DUMBLEDORE: Don’t lie to me boy!

HARRY: I’m not lying!

MADAME MAXIME: He’s lying!

MAD-EYE MOODY: You have to be a pretty good wizard to have hoodwinked that, you see.

DUMBLEDORE: Nevertheless, I leave this to you, Barty.

BARTY: He is a Tri... erm... Quad-Wizard Champion.



Dumbledore’s Office

MCGONAGALL: Something is not right here.

DUMBLEDORE: What do you think we should do?

MCGONAGALL: Don’t let Potter compete.

DUMBLEDORE: That would be too easy and there wouldn’t be much of a story.

SNAPE: We should let him compete so we can find out what is going on.

DUMBLEDORE: Good idea, Severus. I trust you completely.

CAM: Me too.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Hisssssssss.

DUMBLEDORE: Keep an eye on him Mad-Eye.

MAD-EYE MOODY: I’ll keep my best one on him.

DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*



Gryffindor Boy’s Dormitories

RON: How’d you do it?

HARRY: *emotear*

RON: Nevermind. I hate you.

HARRY: I hate myself.

RON: Good!

HARRY: Fine!

RON: Piss off!

PISS OFF: *is the real reason this movie got a PG-13 rating*



Another Random Room in Hogwarts

RITA: I’m Rita Skeeter and I write for the Daily Prophet.

DAVE CHAPELLE: Skeet, skeet, skeet!

RITA: I need to interview all of you. Let’s start with the main character, shall we?

CEDRIC: *starts going with her*

RITA: Nice try, pretty boy, but I meant him.

HARRY: *follows Rita into a broom closet*

RITA: *rubs suggestively past Harry*

HARRY: *is reminded of cub scouts*

RITA: How old are you?

HARRY: Fourteen.

RITA: Twelve!? Great. And how do you feel about your parents dying?

HARRY: I don’t see how that applies to...

RITA: Really sad!? Good. And who does your wand?

HARRY: Well, I bought it at...

RITA: You stole it!? Tsk, tsk.



The Owl Tower of Poop

HARRY: Why is the Owlery, like, four miles away from school?

SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *lands with a letter*

HARRY: You’re not Hedwig, but I assume this letter is for me.

LETTER: Dear Harry, We need to talk face to molten lava face. Meet me in the Gryffindor common room on Saturday night at one o’clock eastern time, two central. Love, Sirius. P.S. Careful, the bird poops.

SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *poops*

RICHARD HARRIS: Alas, another good joke!



Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: Sirius?

SIRIUS: *appears in the fireplace looking like the Thing from Fantastic Four*

HARRY: Worst Marvel movie ever!

SIRIUS: I don’t have much time, Harry. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?

HARRY: No. How did you even know about that?

SIRIUS: I read Rita Skeeter’s article in the Daily Prophet. Harry, you are so emo. Now, tell me about this nightmare.

HARRY: Well, Voldemort and Wormtail are there, and then there is a third man.

SIRIUS: Who?

HARRY: If I knew, it wouldn’t be much of a movie, now would it?

SIRIUS: Yes, well, Hogwarts is obviously not safe anymore. Did you know that Karkaroff was a Death Eater?

HARRY: That guy? He barely speaks any English.

SIRIUS: Also, Barty Crouch is bad.

HARRY: Who here isn’t bad?

SIRIUS: Good point. Be careful in the tournament, Harry.

GARY OLDMAN: *collects his pay check and leaves… his job is done*

HARRY: That was a waste of time.

RON: Who are you talking to?

HARRY: Your mom!

RON: Impossible. She’s not even in this one.

NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Okay, we get it. The book is better.



Lake

NEVILLE: Harry, look at these awesome plot points!

HARRY: Not right now, Neville.

HERMIONE: Harry, Ron wanted me to tell you that Seamus told him that Snape told him that Dumbledore told him that Charlie told him that Neville told him that Angelina told her that Colin told him that Jimmy told him that Andrew told him that Cho told her that Roger told him that Susan told her that Rose told her that Bole told him that Malcom told him that Harper told him that Poliakoff told him that Hagrid is looking for you.

HARRY: You’re going to have to repeat that.

HERMIONE: This is stupid. You two are acting like girls.

RON: Girls?

HERMIONE: Yeah, you know, like a boy, but with a vagina.

HARRY: Oh, I think I have one of those!

HERMIONE, RON, AND GINNY: *stare at Harry for 5.2 seconds*



Forest

HARRY: What did you want from me, Hagrid?

HAGRID: Check this out...

DRAGON: ROAR!

HARRY: *wets himself*



Hogwarts Grounds

BADGE: Potter stinks!

HARRY: *puts on deodorant*

CEDRIC: Those weren’t my idea.

HARRY: I don’t care. Look, because I have a crush on you and all, I’m going to tell you that the first task is dragons.

CEDRIC: Cool! Do we ride the dragons!?!?

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: Do we play football with the dragons!?

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: OH! Do we cook with the dragons!?

HARRY: We’re going to fight them.

CEDRIC: ...

HARRY: ...

CEDRIC: ...and then we’re going to play football with them, right?

RON AND SEAMUS: *enter stage right*

HARRY: You suck, Ron!

RON: Okay.

DRACO: Hey, Potter! I bet you’re going to go down like a sack of cranberries in this tournament!

HARRY: I don’t understand the analogy.

DRACO: Well... you see... cranberries... sack...

HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: Awww... Draco stumbles his words around Harry. Cute!

HARRY: You are a pathetic.

DRACO: *takes out his wand*

CAM: Calm down, H/D shippers. A real wand.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Ferret!

HARRY POTTER FANS: Bounce him against the ceiling!

MAD-EYE MOODY: *puts ferretDraco in Goyle’s pants*

HARRY POTTER FANS: Now that is a pleasant surprise.

MCGONAGALL: Professor Moody, is that a student?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Maybe...

MCGONAGALL: *turns Draco back into human*

DRACO: *runs away crying*



Mad-Eye’s Study

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!

HARRY: What’s in the chest?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Oh, nothing. Just a plot point. So, what are you going to do about the dragon?

HARRY: Um...

MAD-EYE MOODY: What are you good at?

HARRY: I made a really good piece of macaroni art back in second year.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Here’s a hint Harry: broom.

HARRY: Oh, I know! My broom!



Task 1 Waiting Tent

HERMIONE: Harry, be careful out there.

HARRY: Okay.

HERMIONE: *leaphug*

HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: I’m SO making that my desktop background.

DUMBLEDORE: Alright, everyone gather around so you can pick your dragon. What are you doing here Miss Granger?

HERMIONE: I was... um... I’m out.

FLEUR: *picks the Welch’s Grape Juice Dragon*

KRUM: *picks the Chinese Rice Dragon*

CEDRIC: *picks the Swedish Meatballs Dragon*

HARRY: Crap, that leaves the...

BARTY: ...the Hungarian Horntail.

HARRY: Can I have some rice instead?

BARTY: Each dragon is protecting a golden egg. You must capture that egg so that you can perform the next task. Any questions?

KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me.

BARTY: That’s not a question.

KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me?

BARTY: No.



The Other Contestants Perform but We Only Get to See Harry

HARRY: This sucks.

DUMBLEDORE: And now, our fourth and final contestant.

HARRY: *walks out into stadium*

DRAGON: Fire!

HARRY: Argh!

DRAGON: Now, if I roll above a 10, I take all of your gold.

HARRY: Okay, but if you roll under a 10, I get my broom.

DRAGON: *rolls dice*

DICE: 8.

HARRY: Yes! Fly away!

DRAGON: Oh no you don’t!

HARRY: *flies to Hogwarts*

DRAGON: *follows and destroys some towers*

HARRY: *flies to some bridge*

DRAGON: *runs into some bridge and dies*

PETA: That dragon deserved to live a free life!

PENN: Shut up you terrorists!

TELLER: ...

PETA: That’s it, we’re suing!

HARRY: Um... hello... I won.

THE AUDIENCE: Yay!



Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: Should I open this egg?

STUDENTS: Yes!

HARRY: *opens egg*

EGG: VuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

STUDENTS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!

HARRY: *closes egg*

RON: Bloody hell!

HARRY: Talking to me now, are you?

RON: I believe you didn’t put your name in.

HARRY AND RON: *kiss and make up*

HARRY/RON SHIPPERS: *kiss and make up*

J.K. ROWLING: You all are weird.



Lunch at the Great Hall

NIGEL: Parcel for you Mr. Weasley.

RON: Thanks.

NIGEL: *stares at Harry*

HARRY: *pretends not to notice*

RON: Not now. Go away.

HERMIONE: What was that about?

RON: I promised him a kiss from Harry.

HARRY: Ron, you know the only boy I kiss is you.

RON: Oh look, Mom... erm, I mean, DAD sent me a gift! It’s... a dress.

HARRY: Sweet. Now we can stop using towels for dresses while playing “house.”

HERMIONE: Those are dress robes.

RON: What for?



Assembly Room

MCGONAGALL: A dance!

GIRLS: Yay!

BOYS: *moan and groan*

MCGONAGALL: Mr. Weasley, come dance with me.

RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Yay!

HARRY POTTER FANS: There’s no Ron/Minerva ship.

RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Oh, yes there is! We meet at the coffee house on Tuesdays.



Hogwarts Grounds

RON: So, how does one ask one of these girls out?

HARRY: Like so.

GROUP OF GIRLS: *glare of death*

RON: Did they say "yes"?



Some Hall in Hogwarts

HAGRID: My mum was a giant. She was lovely, but I didn’t get to know her very well.

MADAME MAXIME: Sounds like a Freudian complex.

HAGRID: ...



Lakeside

THE TRIO: *sit emo like*

KRUM: *walks by*

GROUP OF GIRLS: *boycrush*

KATE BOSWORTH: *bluecrushes on the lake’s waves*

HERMIONE: *is jealous?*



Classroom

RON: This is mad...

SNAPE: *forcefully turns Ron’s head around towards his work*

RON: We need dates.

FRED: *throws Ron a note*

RON: Aren’t you in a different year than us?

NOTE: Watch.

FRED: *uses wizard ASL to get Angelina Johnson to go to the ball with him*

RON: *tries to use this wizard ASL on Hermione*

SNAPE: *hits Ron in the head... then Harry’s just for the heck of it*

RON: Bloody hell!

SNAPE: I love my job.



The Owlery

CHO: Harry!

HARRY: Cho!

CHO: ...

HARRY: ...

CHO: Ice is slippery.

HARRY: Yes... slippery when wet.

CHO: ...

HARRY: ...

CHO: I’m going to head back...

HARRY: Chowillyoupleasegototheballwithme.

CHO: I’m already going with someone else.

OWLS: Oh, burn!



Gryffindor Common Room

HARRY: *cuddles with golden egg*

RON: *is carried in by girls*

HARRY: What happened?

GINNY: He asked Fleur out.

HERMIONE: No!

RON: Yes!

HERMIONE: Yes?

RON: No.

HARRY: Great. Where are we ever going to find dates!?

PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry.

HARRY: Think, Harry, think.

PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry!

HARRY: Me plus Ron equals two. We need two girls…

PATIL TWINS: HI, HARRY!

HARRY: Twins? Two? Girls! I got it!

PATIL TWINS: We’d love to.

HARRY: Love to what? Where are the Wesley twins? I need to ask them to the ball.

PATIL TWINS: ...



Gryffindor Boys Dorms

RON: Bloody hell! I look horrible.

HARRY: I look hot.

RON: Your dress robes look normal! How come mine can’t look like that!?

HARRY: I know... it’s funny... your mom, erm, dad bought these for me, too.



Dancehall

RON: Looks like Hermione is not coming.

PADMA: Oh. My. Gosh. Your dress robes are...

RON: ...traditional.

PADMA: Well, I was going to say straight up ugly.

PAVARTI: She looks beautiful.

HARRY: Yes. Cho has this deep Asian beauty to her.

PAVARTI: I’m talking about her.

HARRY: *turns around to see Hermione looking... well... hawt*

CAM: *is going to hell*

KRUM: *takes Hermione’s hand*

HERMIONE: *giggles like a school girl... well, she is one... you get it*

CAM: *is still going to hell*



Yule Ball.................... yee-haw!

PADMA: Is that Hermione?

RON: No, that girl is way too hot.

THE CHAMPIONS AND THEIR DATES: *enter stage door*

PAVARTI: Take my waist, Harry.

HARRY: Uh...

GINNY: *cries*

NEVILLE: *looks like a vampire*

PADMA: *cries*

RON: *cries*

HERMIONE: *smiles*

KRUM: *pumps fist in the air*

JAMES LIPTON: Brilliant actor.

MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes another swig of plot point*

EVERYONE: *starts dancing*

THE WEIRD SISTERS: *suck*

HERMIONE: Isn’t Viktor wonderful?

RON: No.

HERMIONE: What’s got your wand in a knot?

NO ONE: *seems to pick up on that bad metaphor*

RON: He’s stupid.

HERMIONE: This coming from a person who called him more than a man.

RON: That was a phase I went through. It’s over now!



Gryffindor Boy Dorms

HARRY: *has a nightmare about Voldemort, Wormtail, and Mr. Unknown Man again*

NEVILLE: Harry!

HARRY: What?

NEVILLE: Nothing. Just that... I WAS THE MAN TONIGHT!



Some Random Hogwarts Bridge

HERMIONE: Harry, you need to figure out that golden egg.

HARRY: I know, but the sun beaming off of the horizon tells me that my soul is withering.

HERMIONE: Your emoness is getting the best of you.

CEDRIC: You know what I do in that situation?

HARRY: Cut yourself?

CEDRIC: No. I take a bath... with my egg.



Prefect Bathroom Where a Scene is Meant to be Humorous, but Just Comes Off as Really, Really Creepy

HARRY: *removes his clothes*

ALL THE GIRLS SAY: Hey babe, babe. Hey babe, babe, hey!

MYRTLE: Maybe you should put it in the water.

HARRY: I was about to put the egg in the water.

MYRTLE: Not the egg, Harry...

HARRY: Look, I’d be much more comfortable if you weren’t in here while I do this.

MYRTLE: Oh, come on. I’m like 35-years-old.

CAM: Yeah, and the reason female teachers sleep with there teenage male students.

MYRTLE: I found polyjuice potion in the toilet the other day.

HARRY: It’s not mine... honestly!

MYRTLE: Suuuuuuuure.

HARRY: *dips egg into water*

EGG: Second task. Lake. Merpeople. La la la la la.



Library

HARRY: Something about mermaids and the lake.

HERMIONE: I confused.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Granger... Weasley...

RON: I wasn’t staring at her butt!

MAD-EYE MOODY: No, Professor McGonagall would like to see you both.

RON: You think she’s caught on?

HERMIONE: Shut up.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom! Help Harry with his breathing underwaterness.

HARRY: I don’t think anything you have will help me Neville.

NEVILLE: I have gillyweed.

HARRY: I’m not going to do drugs, Neville.



Lakeside

HARRY: You got what I want?

NEVILLE: Yeah, but it’s gonna cost you.

HARRY: What do you want?

NEVILLE: I ask for it later.

DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to the second task. The four champions must go to the bottom of the lake to rescue what they truly treasure.

HARRY: My broom is down there?

KRUM: My fists are down there?

FLEUR: My acting career is down there?

CEDRIC: I’M DOWN THERE!?!?

DUMBLEDORE: Go!

THE CHAMPIONS: *jump in*

HARRY: *turns into a fishy*

MER-SOMETHING: Bahhhhh!

FLEUR: I’m out.

HARRY: *approaches Ron, Hermione, Gabrielle, and Cho*

KRUM: *is a shark and takes Hermione*

CEDRIC: *has a plastic bag around his face and rescues Cho*

HARRY: *being the nice guy that he is, rescues Ron and Gabrielle*

FLEUR: Ron, I love you! Maybe one day I will marry you, or someone in your family.

RON: Ginny?

BARTY: Well done Potter.

HARRY: Thanks much.

MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello father... I mean... Barty.

BARTY: *confusingly walks away*



Dark Forest

HAGRID: Remember how rascally you kids were back in the first movie?

RON: I remember when my hair actually looked like a boy’s.

HARRY: Hey, there’s a dead guy here.

HAGRID: Yeah, you guys use to say that type of stuff, too.

HARRY: It looks like Mr. Crouch was conveniently killed after the last scene.



Dumbledore’s Office

DUMBLEDORE: You must cancel the Tri-Wizard Tournament.

FUDGE: No.

DUMBLEDORE: You are being a big doo-doo head.

FUDGE: You’re the doo-doo head!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Excuse me, but it may interest you to know that this name calling session is no longer private.

HARRY: *appears behind an open door*

FUDGE: Harry!

HARRY: I just got here, I swear!

DUMBLEDORE: I think it is time you should leave, Minister. Harry, help yourself to some black rocks.

HARRY: These things taste like rocks. Ooooooooo, shiny!

PENSIEVE: I eat you Harry Potter!

HARRY: *falls intothepensieve.com*



Courtroom

HARRY: Professor?

DUMBLEDORE: *sits*

MAN: Professor.

DUMBLEDORE: *shakes man’s hand through Harry’s body*

HARRY: Bad touch!

BARTY: Igor Karkaroff, you are a bad, bad man with mean feelings. What have you to say about this?

KARKAROFF: I know Death Eaters.

BARTY: Go on.

KARKAROFF: They know me.

BARTY: Mmmhmm.

KARKAROFF: ...and the green grass grows all around and around…

BARTY: On with it!

KARKAROFF: Rosier!

BARTY: Dead!

KARKAROFF: Rookwood!

BARTY: Okay!

KARKAROFF: Snape!

DUMBLEDORE: Bull crap!

KARKAROFF: I swear!

BARTY: You are wrong! Meeting adjourned!

KARKAROFF: I know one more!

BARTY: Who?

KARKAROFF: Barty Crouch!

BARTY: I’m not a Death Eater!

KARKAROFF: Junior!

THE AUDIENCE: *finds out that Barty Crouch, Jr. was the unknown man from the beginning of the movie*

BC JR.: *runs towards the middle of the room where anyone can get him*

MAD-EYE MOODY: Since I’m the only one with my wand out...

BC JR.: *is struck with a curse and is dog-piled*

BARTY: You are not my son.

BC JR.: Mom had an affair!?!?

BARTY: No, I mean like I am so disappointed in you that I disown you.

BC JR.: Oh, that makes sense.



Back in Dumbledore’s Study

HARRY: *flies outthepensieve.com.org.uk.net.mil.gov*

DUMBLEDORE: You weren’t looking at any of my... dirty thoughts?

HARRY: No, sir. What happened to Barty’s son?

DUMBLEDORE: Barty sent his son to Azkaban. End of story.

HARRY: But, I see him in my dreams...

DUMBLEDORE: END OF STORY!

HARRY: Hum.

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, remember the first three movies? Your curiosity always got the best of you and you got yourself into trouble. I suggest, for this year, you just keep doing what you’re supposed to do. Focus on finishing the Quad-Wizard Tournament. There is no way anything bad can happen if you don’t meddle in things that you’re not supposed to meddle in.

HARRY: Yes, sir.

DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*

HARRY: Wow, that was a big one.



School Corridor

HARRY: *whistles*

KARKAROFF: It’s a sign!

SNAPE AND KARKAROFF: *see Harry*

KARKAROFF: I must tend to my... beard.

SNAPE: I know what you did last summer, Harry.

HARRY: Pardon?

SNAPE: You stole some of my bubble tea... erm, bubble juice.

HARRY: No, I dadn’t!

SNAPE: Don’t lie, or I’ll pump you so full of Veritaserum that you’ll tell me all of your wicked fantasies!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE FANS: Do it!

HARRY: Pshhh... whatever.



Arena

DUMBLEDORE: A plot point was placed in the middle of this maze by Professor Moody. First one to reach it wins eternal sunshine!

HARRY POTTER FANS: I don’t remember Dumbledore saying that.

CAM: Exactly...

THE CHAMPIONS: *huddle around Dumbledore*

DUMBLEDORE: You won’t find any creatures in the maze.

HARRY POTTER FANS: Why not!?

DUMBLEDORE: Be wary, you might lose yourself.

CEDRIC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

DUMBLEDORE: Prepare yourselves.

AMOS: Good luck, son.

CEDRIC: Dad... I’ll be fine.

DUMBLEDORE: On the count of three... ONE...

CANNON: BOOM!

WHAT FILCH HEARD: Three, three, three!

HARRY: *enters the maze as the giant shrubs close him in*



Maze

EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *begins to play*

CEDRIC: *wanders*

GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!

CEDRIC: Wahhhhhhh! Not my hair!

KRUM: *peeks around a corner; his eyes are glazed over*

FLEUR: *runs like a girl*

HARRY: *hears Fleur scream and feels that he must go investigate*

FLEUR: *passes out on the ground*

KRUM: *stands over Fleur*

MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!

FLEUR: Wahhhhhhh! Not my acting career!

HARRY: *sees Krum and hides right in the open*

KRUM: *sees Harry and ignores him*

HARRY: *runs over to Fleur and shoots up fireworks*

THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhhhh!

GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!

HARRY: Wahhhhhhh! Not my youth!

CEDRIC: Look out!

HARRY: *looks out*

CEDRIC: Expelliarmus!

KRUM: Wahhhhhhh! Not my...

THE AUDIENCE: ...fists. Yeah, we got it.

CAM: O rly? I was going to say "crooked wand".

HARRY: Don’t kill him! He’s bewitched.

CEDRIC: Sorry, I never watched that show.

HARRY: You really aren’t very intelligent, huh?

CEDRIC: You wouldn’t happen to have any hair gel on you?

HARRY: The cup!

HARRY AND CEDRIC: *run towards the cup while hitting each other*

MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!

CEDRIC: Not again! Harry!

HARRY: *stops and ponders helping Cedric or going for the cup*

CEDRIC: Help me, Harry! It’s in your character!

EMINEM: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow; this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, you better...

HARRY: Reducto!

CEDRIC: Thanks.

HARRY: Yep.

CEDRIC: So, how about those Mets?

HARRY: I prefer Chicago.

CEDRIC: White Sox or Cubs?

HARRY: White Sox.

CEDRIC: Band wagon-whore.

WIND: Whoosh!

CEDRIC: Go on, take the cup.

HARRY: No, we do it together.

EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *stops playing*

HARRY AND CEDRIC: *grab the cup/portkey at the same time and are teleported to a graveyard*



Graveyard

CEDRIC: Where are we?

HARRY: Not good.

CEDRIC: What are you talking about?

HARRY: *grabs his scar in pain*

WORMTAIL: *walks out*

CEDRIC: Who are you?

VOLDEMORT: Kill him.

WORMTAIL: Avada Kadavra!

CEDRIC: *dies*

HARRY: Noooooooooooo! His beautiful, beautiful hair!

STATUE: I’m gonna eat you!

HARRY: *gets trapped by statue*

VOLDEMORT: Do it!

WORMTAIL: *drops Voldemort into a cauldron full of murky water*

HARRY: OMGWTF!?

WORMTAIL: Now... sugar... spice... and everything nice.

CAULDRON: *turns into giant fetus*

VOLDEMORT: I’m baaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaack.

HARRY: He’s back!?

WORMTAIL: He’s back.

VOLDEMORT: Give me my wand.

WORMTAIL: *hands him what looks like a bone*

VOLDEMORT: *casts summon spell on death eaters... snazzy cut-scene ensues*

DEATH EATERS: *appear*

VOLDEMORT: I’m incredibly disappointed in all of you.

LUCIUS: Even me?

VOLDEMORT: Especially you!

WORMTAIL: Even me?

VOLDEMORT: Yes, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yes, but no, but… here’s a new hand.

WORMTAIL: Sweet cheese!

VOLDEMORT: *boycrushes on Cedric’s dead body*

HARRY: You stay away from him! He’s mine!

VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah. You. I can touch you.

HARRY: I say, that is mighty uncomfortable.

VOLDEMORT: Pick up your wand Potter, let us duel. First, we bow…

HARRY: *runs away*

VOLDEMORT: Wuss.

HARRY: No one calls me a wuss! I’ll turn this place into a BK if I have to; you can have it your way.

VOLDEMORT AND HARRY: *perform spells which meet into a wonderful display of electricity*

DEATH EATERS: Ohhhh, pretty.

CEDRIC-GHOST: *floats out*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: *floats out*

JAMES AND LILY POTTER-GHOSTS: *float out*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I still confused.

JAMES-GHOST: Harry, when we say, grab the cup and go back to Hogwarts.

HARRY: It’s not a cup, Dad. It’s a portkey.

JAMES-GHOST: Boy, I swear, don’t make me turn you upside-down right here.

CEDRIC-GHOST: Harry, do me a favor and take my awesome bod’ back with you.

LILY-GHOST: Do it now!

HARRY: Geez, love you guys, too.

THE CONNECTION: *breaks*

CEDRIC, JAMES, AND LILY-GHOSTS: *distract Voldemort*

OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I think I left the tea kettle on.

HARRY: *grabs Cedric and the portkey*

VOLDEMORT: [Vadar] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! [/Vadar]



Arena

HARRY: *appears with Cedric’s dead body*

THE CROWD: *cheers*

DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, Cedric is dead!

THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *continue cheering*

MADAME MAXIME: *shakes head*

THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *stop cheering*

AMOS: My son! My poor son! His hair! It’s horrible!

DUMBLEDORE: What happened?

HARRY: I am really craving Burger King.

AMOS: ...me too.

DUMBLEDORE: Mad-Eye, get Harry out of here.



Mad-Eye’s Study

MAD-EYE MOODY: So, Harry, what was he like?

HARRY: Well, I was all like, don’t kill Cedric, and he was all like, I’m going to kill Cedric. And I was like, no, don’t. And he was like, yes, I will. And then he was dead.

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...

HARRY: ...

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...that sounds just like something Lord Voldemort would say.

HARRY: Uh huh...

MAD-EYE MOODY: *starts having a seizure*

HARRY: Are you okay?

MAD-EYE MOODY: *tries to drink some plot point*

MAD-EYE’S PLOT POINT FLASK: *is empty*

MAD-EYE MOODY: How many people were there in the graveyard?

HARRY: Seven... NO... WAIT! ...eight... maybe?

MAD-EYE MOODY: You do realize that you never told me that this all occurred in a graveyard, right?

HARRY: Yeah... so?

MAD-EYE MOODY: Wait for it...

TEN MINUTES: *goes by*

HARRY: HEY! I never told you that this occurred in a graveyard!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Let me drink your blood!

HARRY: That’s not what normal wizards do.

MAD-EYE MOODY: I set everything up so that you could bring back Voldemort.

HARRY: No wai!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Ya wai!

DUMBLEDORE: O rly?

MAD-EYE-MOODY: Ya rly... wait...

DUMBLEDORE: Expelliarmus!

MAD-EYE MOODY: *flies back*

SNAPE: *give Mad-Eye some anti-plot point*

DUMBLEDORE: Say my name!

MAD-EYE MOODY: Albus... Dumbledore.

DUMBLEDORE: Are you Mad-Eye Moody!?

MAD-EYE MOODY: What... do... you... think?

DUMBLEDORE: I think about fairies and gumdrops on cloudy afternoons. I think of eating lemon drops when the sky begins to turn gray. I think of harmonies lifting up into the air as rain falls from the sky. I think these things.

MAD-EYE MOODY: ...

SNAPE: ...

HARRY: ...

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: ...

CAM’S READERS: ...

CAM: ...

DUMBLEDORE: Oh, and I think you are not Moody. Is the real Moody in this room!?

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: Yes!

SNAPE: *opens chest*

MYSTERIOUS CHEST: *opens and opens and opens and opens and opens*

THE REAL SLIM MOODY: I’ve failed you Dumbledore.

HARRY: Wait... how can he be in there and be right there?

SNAPE: Ever messed with polyjuice potion?

HARRY: Yea... I mean, no! No... what is that...?

THE FAKE MOODY: *begins to shape shift like Matrix agents*

DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior.

BC JR.: I would have gotten away with this if it weren’t for you meddling kids!

SHAGGY: I’m hungry.

SCOOBY DOO: Ra-row.

STUDIO AUDIENCE: *laughs*

BC JR.: You know what this means, right?

HARRY: We get it. Scooby snack were drugs and…

BC JR.: NO! It means that Lord Voldemort is back.

DUMBLEDORE: Send him back to Azkaban.



The Great Hall of Hogwarts

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory is dead.

PAULY SHORE: *thinks that would make a great movie*

DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort.

ALL OF THE GIRLS: *cry*

DUMBLEDORE: The friendships that we have made this year are very important! Remember! Remember, remember the 5th of November! Remember that!



Boys Dorms

DUMBLEDORE: *enters*

HARRY: *wonders if he needs an adult*

DUMBLEDORE: Whoever the interior decorator was for these dorms ought to be shot.

HARRY: Yes... I... that is also what I think.

DUMBLEDORE: I’m a pyro Harry.

HARRY: Ooh! Ooh! Do you know Johnny Depp!?

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: Orlando Bloom?

DUMBLEDORE: ...

HARRY: Keira Knightly, if you like that sort of thing...

DUMBLEDORE: Harry, do you know what a pyromaniac is?

HARRY: Something about chestnuts frozen at the Earth’s equator.

DUMBLEDORE: That doesn’t make any sense.

HARRY: It doesn’t have to, sir. It doesn’t have to.

DUMBLEDORE: I don’t know why I try to explain things to you at the end of these.

HARRY: Well, sir. You are a pyro.

DUMBLEDORE: Your parents are dead, Voldemort is going to make your life a living Hell, and people very close to you will die.

HARRY: *is speechless*

DUMBLEDORE: Very close to you.

HARRY: ...

DUMBLEDORE: *winks*

HARRY: You’re not going to start a fire now, are you?



Hogwarts Courtyard

KRUM: Hermione, this is for you.

HERMIONE: *takes piece of paper*

KRUM: If you fill out quick survey, you can get two free dinners at Olive Garden.

HERMIONE: I will...

GABRIELLE: *kisses Ron*

FLEUR: *kisses Ron*

RON: I... you know... all in a day’s...

FLEUR: Do you have an older brother?

RON: ...Ginny?

HARRY: *emo walks*

DURMSTRANG’S SHIP: *fires cannon*

HAGRID: Good lord! Ze Germans are attacking again!

RON: *parkours onto a ledge*

HERMIONE: Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?

HARRY: Duh!

FORREST GUMP: *isn’t sure if he’s allowed to laugh*


FIN.