LOST – Pilot Part 1 in D/S

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. It was time to make a D/S. The only source I used was the episode on DVD. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but I figured this would hold you off until my next true D/S. My wife, Bethany, contributed a lot to this particular D/S, so thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Somewhere, someplace, on something

JACK: *eye pop*

SOMETHING IN THE BUSHES: *creeps*

JACK: I fell out of a plane unsupported into the jungle and I’m still alive?

DOG: Yep. See ya.

JACK: *stands up* Mother of Jordan, that hurt. *pulls out vodka* I don’t feel drunk.



Immediately after in the jungle (Welcome to the jungle, watch it bring you to your shun n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n,n knees, knees)

JACK: *runs through the jungle and...*



Comes out at the beach

JACK: Looks like some normal beach.

WOMAN: *screams*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women.

JET ENGINE: *whirs*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women and loud jet engines.

CRASHED PLANE: *is revealed*

JACK: Some normal beach with screaming women, loud jet engines, and crashed airplanes on it.

CRASH VICTIMS: *are frantic*

SHANNON: That jet engine just ate my Manolo Blahniks!

SOME GUY: Help me!

JACK: *helps him*

CLAIRE: Help me!

JACK: How many months pregnant are you?

THE AUDIENCE: *can assume Jack is a doctor*

CLAIRE: Only 8 months and I’m having contractions.

SOME AUTHOR DUDE: I sure hope I don’t die on this beach because then I won’t be able to publish my boo...

JET ENGINE: *eats the author and explodes*

CLAIRE: Either my water just broke, or I peed my pants.

JACK: You’re gonna be fine, just sit still next to this weak airplane wing. Hey, fatty!

HURLEY: Me?

JACK: Yeah. Come here and take care of this other fatty.

HURLEY: LOL, K. What’s your name?

JACK: Read the first part of this D/S!

HURLEY: Ginny?

JACK: *runs over to a boy performing CPR on an old lady* You’re not doing that right.

BOONE: Screw you, I’m a lifeguard!

JACK: Well, screw you, I’m a doctor. FACE!

BOONE: Maybe we should jab a pen in her throat.

JACK: [sarcastic] Yeah, go find one. [/sarcastic]

OLD LADY: *receives CPR from a professional doctor*

JACK: Your lips taste like Werther’s Originals.

OLD LADY: *gasps*

JACK: Take big deep breaths.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *starts to fall*

JACK: Hurley!!! Move! Get her out of there.

CLAIRE: Didn’t you tell me to just sit still?

HURLEY: *looks up and sees wing* Oh, crap.

WEAK AIRPLANE WING: *lands on another engine causing everything including the water to blow up barely missing Jack, Hurley, and Claire*

CLAIRE: Okay. Now either the baby just popped out, or I pooped my pants.

RANDOM AIRPLANE PART: *lands right next to Charlie*

CHARLIE: Woah, I’m trippin’.

JACK: *starts pilfering through luggage* I could really use a Zanax right now.



A secluded area just off the beach

JACK: *takes off his shirt to reveal manly chest-hair (oh, and a pretty deep wound on the side of his body)*

KATE: *wanders*

JACK: Hey sexy lady. Did you ever use a needle?

KATE: I experimented with a couple of drugs back in college.

JACK: No, I mean a sewing needle.

KATE: How could you shoot up with a sewing needle?

JACK: Just sew up my side and I’ll tell you a story.



Back at the crash site

SAWYER: *lights up a cigarette*

CLAIRE: *wades in the water*

HURLEY: *can’t believe they put the fat guy in charge of the food*

BOONE: *gets no signal on his cell phone*

SAYID: *builds a fire*

CHARLIE: *is still high*

THE AUDIENCE: *thinks they won’t be able to remember all the characters*

SAYID: Hey, what’s you name?

CHARLIE: Dude, just read the D/S.

SAYID: Charlie, I need help with the fire. We need to make it big enough so that whoever comes to rescue us can see it.



Back in the surgery hut

KATE: I might throw up on you.

JACK: That’s hot.

KATE: You don’t seem afraid at all about all this.

JACK: Well, I’m the hero, slash, leader of the show, so I’m not allowed to be afraid. Plus, when you’re a doctor, you see all sorts of gross stuff.

KATE: Like a young girl leaving the gas stove on and blowing up her step-father?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: No, when I was operating on this young girl, I accidentally split open her sack.

KATE: I thought you just said you were operating on a "girl".

JACK: No, her Dural Sack. It’s at the base of the spine where all the nerves come together. It ripped open and nerves flew out of her like grandma’s spaghetti.

KATE: Like running out of a bank after just robbing it?

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing.

JACK: The terror was just so crazy, so real, and I knew that I had to deal with it. *starts to cry* So, I let the fear take me over for 5 seconds and that’s all I was gonna give it. So, I started to count. One... two... five...

KATE: Three, sir!

JACK: Three... four... five. And then the fear was gone.

KATE: So, you saved the girl?

JACK: Oh, no. She died.

KATE: You know, if that were me, I would have run away and got my best friend shot in the process.

JACK: What?

KATE: I like Sawyer.



Pow-wow on the beach

CHARLIE: *writes "fate" on his fingers*

SAYID: Stop being so emo, Charlie.

SHANNON: My feet must look sexy for when the hot rescue men get here.

BOONE: *offers Shannon a chocolate bar*

SHANNON: No, Professor Lupin. I’m not going to eat the chocolate.

BOONE: You know, we might be here for awhile.

SHANNON: They’ll find us because they can’t resist my sexiness.

HURLEY: Claire, you hungry?

CLAIRE: Dude, I’m hungry all the time.

HURLEY: Tell me about it.

JIN: [korean] You must never leave my sight, woman. [/korean]

SUN: I’m so glad I cheated on you before we got here.

JACK: *examines a guy with some shrapnel in his side*

KATE: Is he gonna live?

JACK: Do you know him?

KATE: He was the marshal taking me back to the States.

JACK: What?

KATE: Nothing. I mean... he was sitting next to me.

JACK. ...

KATE: ...

JACK: So, how about that crash today.

KATE: Yeah, that sucked.

JACK: I wonder where the cockpit is.

KATE: Probably in the jungle where that black smoke is coming up.

JACK: We should go there.

KATE: Yeah...

SOMETHING IN THE JUNGLE: *crashes and makes T-Rex sounds*

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: It’s a dinosaur!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: It’s a giant tractor!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3: It’s a black smoke monster that can read the thoughts of your past and judge you on every action you’ve taken and determines whether or not you should live!

THE AUDIENCE: Nah!

THE LOSTIES: WTF?



In the recent past on Oceanic flight 815

STEWARDESS: Drunk yet?

JACK: No. This drink is weaksauce.

STEWARDESS: *slips Jack some vodka*

THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha!

JACK: *mixes himself a Screw Driver* Better. *starts to get up*

PLANE: *goes through some turbulence*

JACK: Yeah, being drunk plus shaky airplane equals me sitting back down.

OLD LADY: *fastens seat belt*

JACK: Don’t worry. It’s normal.

OLD LADY: Oh, honey. You know this plane is goin’ down and us black folk ain’t gonna survive. Good thing my husband’s white.

CAM’S READERS: That’s a bit of racism if I’ve ever heard it.

CAM: Hey, at least she lives!

CAM’S READERS: Touché.

JACK: Don’t worry. This should all be over in...



Back on the plane crashed beach

KATE: You ready?

JACK: You don’t need to come with me, you know?

KATE: But I want to totally lead you on until I make sweet, sweet love with James.

JACK: What?

KATE: I have a messed up past and future!

JACK: You’re going to need nicer shoes.

KATE: Well, I did hear that someone had some Manolo Blahniks.



Elsewhere on the beach

HURLEY: So, I was rummaging for food in the fuselage and I was thinking, maybe we should do something about the... *spots Walt* R-L-Y S-T-I-N-K-I-E D-E-D B-O-D-Y-S.

WALT: I’m not five. I can spell "bodies" better than you.

SAYID: Back where I’m from, we take all the dead bodies, put them in a pile, point at their genitals, and burn them.

JACK: I’m going to go look for the cockpit and see if there’s a transceiver or something inside it.

CHARLIE: I’ll come with you. I feel like getting my drug on.

JACK: LOL, K.



Some pretty valley that is totally NOT Hawaii

KATE: You look familiar.

CHARLIE: Ever heard of Drive Shaft?

KATE: I experimented with that position back in college.

CHARLIE: No, the band.

KATE: Oh, oh, oh, oh! Yeah.

CHARLIE: Well, I played bass.

KATE: No wai! My friend absolutely loves your band!

JACK: You young kids and your dang music.



The beach (not the one with Leo)

A THUNDER STORM: *starts*

EVERYONE: *hides from the rain*

JIN: *runs off solicitors*

LOCKE: *enjoys the rain*

JUNGLE MONSTER: *stirs*

CLAIRE: There it is again.



At the site of the very front of the plane

CHARLIE: Let’s get my drugs and get out of here.

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *climb up towards the cockpit passing dead bodies... as one would*

JACK: *breaks open the cockpit door*

CAM: Is it really that easy?

DEAD BODY: *flies out freaking out everyone watching the show*

KATE: So, what does a transceiver look like?

JACK: It looks like a Talkboy.

KATE: I had a Talkgirl.

PILOT: I remember those!

JACK: OMG! Get this man some water, stat!

PILOT: How many survived?

JACK: At least 48.

PILOT: 48? What an odd number.

KATE: Actually, 42 would be odder.

PILOT: How long has it been?

JACK: 16.

KATE: There. Now you’re getting a hang of this numbers thing.

PILOT: Six hours into the flight, our radio went out.

KATE: It went out of the plane!?

PILOT: ...

JACK: ...

PILOT: No one could see us, so we turned around and headed to land in Fiji. By the time we hit turbulence, we were way off course. They’re looking for us in the wrong place. I can read your mind. We have a transceiver right there.

JACK: Where’s Charlie?

KATE: Charlie?

CHARLIE: *comes out of the bathroom*

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

CHARLIE: This is a bathroom!?

JUNGLE MONSTER: *makes T-Rex sound again*

PILOT: What was that?

JACK: We don’t know and I don’t think we’re going to find out for a long time.

KATE: It’s right outside.

PILOT: *gets curious*

JUNGLE MONSTER: Curiosity killed the cat.

PILOT: *gets killed like a cat*

CHARLIE: Run away!



In the wet jungle

JACK, KATE, AND CHARLIE: *run away from the jungle monster*

CHARLIE: *foot gets caught in some vines* I’m not in the position to be able to slip my foot out of some vines.

JACK: *goes back to help*

KATE: *runs Forrest, runs and hides in some trees* Jack!

ALL: *is quiet*

KATE: One... two... five...

CHARLIE: Kate!

KATE: Where’s Jack!?

CHARLIE: I don’t know. He helped me out. And then he was gone.

KATE: We have to go back for him! He’s one-third of the love triangle!

CHARLIE: Are you mad!?

KATE: Yes.

CHARLIE: I heard you shout for Jack. How come you weren’t concerned about me?

KATE: Because for all you knew, you were just high and on a trip.

CHARLIE: That makes sense.

KATE: *finds pilot wings*

CHARLIE: If that’s there...

KATE AND CHARLIE: *look up in the trees and see…*

JACK: The pilot.

KATE: Did you see the monster?

JACK: No.

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...


FIN.