Disclaimer: Back to the Future is a movie that I remember watching as a young boy. Along with other classics like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, BTTF holds a very special place in my movie history. I think it’s very creative and incredibly well-written and directed. I mostly used the DVD and the script from IMSDb to create this. Sorry for all the poop jokes. If I get enough positive comments, I’ll do the sequels... eventually. Thanks to my wife, Bethany, for helping with editing and encouragement. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.
Somewhere in Space
THE OLD UNIVERSAL LOGO: *appears*
THE AUDIENCE: The Earth looks so old!
ROBERT ZEMECKIS: That’s because they wouldn’t let me soak it in water first.
Some Garage with a Buncha Stuff
TON O’ CLOCKS: *appear*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder what this movie is about?
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tick*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder...
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tock*
THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha! This movie is about time!
A LONG SERIES OF CONTRAPTIONS: *starts*
RADIO: *turns on*
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to have your mind blown away by this movie. It will make you think about the ‘80s. It will make you wonder about time travel. It may even make you think about your hot momma when she was younger.
FREUD: Told you.
TV: *turns on*
TV NEWS ANCHOR: Some plutonium may have been stolen.
DOOR: *opens*
SOME BOY: Doc?
SKATEBOARD: *runs into plutonium*
SOME BOY: *turns amp knobs*
LOAD HUMMING: *ensues*
SOME BOY: *plays a guitar note*
GINORMOUS SPEAKER: I KEEL YOU!
SOME BOY: *flies back and is somehow not deaf now*
THE AUDIENCE: Holy cow! I didn’t know Tom Cruise was in this movie!?
SOME BOY: *takes off sunglasses*
THE AUDIENCE: Oh. It’s just Michael Gay Fox.
TELEPHONE: Answer me.
SOME BOY: Hello?
CALLER: Marty is that you?
MARTY: Doc?
CAM: Good, now I can use their names.
DOC: Good thing you just so happened to be at my own house when I called.
MARTY: Where are you?
DOC: Meet me at 1:15 at the mall.
MARTY: 1:15 in the morning? I’m not supposed to meet with old scary men that late.
DOC: Just do it. And bring the camcorder with you.
MARTY: Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel any safer.
TON O’ CLOCKS: *all go off*
DOC: Are those my clocks I hear?
MARTY: Werd.
DOC: Great! They’re all 25 minutes late!
MARTY: Hold up, hold up. It’s really 8:25?
DOC: Yes.
MARTY: *runs off camera*
PHONE: *remains in air a few seconds and then falls*
Outside on the Way to School
‘80’S MUSIC: *plays*
MARTY: *skateboards to '80s music while holding onto the back of various vehicles*
EVERY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WATCHING: Cool! I’m going to try that.
Hill Valley High School
MARTY: Yo, Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Don’t go this way, the principal is on the hunt for you.
MARTY: It’s not my fault this time. The Doc put all his clocks 25 minutes slow.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You’re still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly?
MARTY: Yeah, man. He’s cool people.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: ...
JENNIFER: ...
MARTY: Just give me my tardy slip.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: McFly, Dr. Brown is a total nut. You stick around him and you’ll turn into one too.
MARTY: Sweet. I love cashews.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You act just as dumb as your father when he went here.
MARTY: May I please be excused?
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: I heard your band is going to audition for the school dance. You don’t have a chance because you carry your father’s genes. No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.
MARTY: Yeah, well, history is going to change.
FORESHADOWING: At its most obvious.
School Gymnasium
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: My band is called "The Pinheads".
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: WTF!?
Hill Valley Town Square
ELECTION VAN: Re-elect Mayor Wilson! Foreshadow, foreshadow, foreshadow!
MARTY: Can you believe that?
JENNIFER: What? A black politician?
MARTY: No! The whole band thing! We’ll never get a chance to play in front of anybody.
JENNIFER: You tried once. It’s not the end of the world. Did you know some of the people that audition on American Idol have had to do it up to three times before they were let through?
MARTY: I just don’t think I’m good at mus... wait. What’s American Idol?
JENNIFER: You’ll find out... in the future.
NICE TRUCK: *drives by*
MARTY: WHAT!?!?
JENNIFER: Haha, I knew I’d get your attentio...
MARTY: No, no, no! I mean, WHAT an awesome 4 x 4! Some day I’m going to own that. That’s hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
CLOCK LADY: Save the clock tower!
MARTY: Dude, I was just about to get some.
CLOCK LADY: Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower, and the clock hasn’t run since.
MARTY: Okay, fine! Here’s a quarter.
CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
JENNIFER’S DAD: *honks horn*
JENNIFER: Crap, I gotta go.
MARTY: What does a guy have to do to get laid around here?
El McFly Casa
BIFF: I can’t believe you would give me a car with a blind spot. I could’ve been killed.
GEORGE: Biff, all cars have blind spots. Hi, Marty.
BIFF: Are you blind, McFly? Did you see your car out there?
GEORGE: I’m sure your insurance will cover it.
BIFF: It’s your car, you’re paying for it. And where are those TPS reports I asked you for?
GEORGE: Uh, I haven’t finished those yet.
BIFF: *plays knock-knock with George’s head*
GEORGE: Who’s... there?
BIFF: Those look like comfortable shoes.
GEORGE: *looks down*
BIFF: *smacks George in the nose*
GEORGE: LOL.
MARTY: OMG.
BIFF: What are you looking at, butthead?
MARTY: Obviously not much.
BIFF: *leaves*
MARTY: Dude, dad. The car is totaled. I was going to get laid tomorrow night in that thing.
GEORGE: Excuse me?
MARTY: ORANGES! I was... going to... go pick out... some oranges... tomorrow night... in that thing.
MARTY’S SISTER: Jennifer called for you twice.
LORRAINE: Marty, I don’t like that. When I was your age, I never chased any boys, or sat in a parked car with a boy.
FORESHADOWING: Can I be more painfully obvious?
MARTY’S SISTER: How am I supposed to meet a boy then?
LORRAINE: It’ll just happen. Like how I met your father.
MARTY’S SISTER: Grandpa just hit him with the car.
LORRAINE: It happens. And we went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together. It was the night of that big thunder storm. He kissed me for the first time at that dance. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
FORESHADOWING: Okay, if you’re not getting this by now, you’re dumb.
Marty’s Bedroom
MARTY: *sleeps*
PHONE: *rings*
MARTY: Hel-lo?
DOC: You didn’t fall asleep, did you?
MARTY: I don’t want to go to school today, mom.
DOC: Good. Do me a favor and bring my video camera.
MARTY: You’re a very nice lady.
Twin Pines Mall
MARTY: Einstein! Where’s Doc?
EINSTEIN: Damn, dawg! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Shooooot. You tryin’ to scare a brotha?
DOC’S TRUCK: *farts*
MARTY: WTF?
EINSTEIN: I’m getting the hell outta here.
DOC’S TRUCK: *poops out a DeLorean*
DELOREAN: *poops out a Doc*
MARTY: Doc!
DOC: Marty, you made it. Say hello to my latest experiment.
MARTY: I hate to bust your balls, Doc, but the DeLorean has already been invented.
DOC: Just roll the camera.
MARTY: *starts filming*
DOC: Einstein, get in the car.
EINSTEIN: Oh, hell naw.
DOC: *buckles in Einstein*
EINSTEIN: Why couldn’t my owner have been Snoop Dogg?
DOC: Note that both of our watches display the same exact time.
MARTY: Chiggidy-check.
DOC: *closes door, grabs remote control, and starts driving the DeLorean*
MARTY: Sweet.
DOC: When this car hits 88 miles per hour, prepare to poop your pants.
MARTY: You didn’t say anything about bringing diapers on the phone.
DOC: *puts the pedal to the metal... so to speak*
DELOREAN: *flashes and disappears*
MARTY: *poops his pants*
DOC: OMG, yes! It worked!
MARTY: You killed Einstein, you bastard!
DOC: No, he’s fine.
MARTY: Then where is he!?
DOC: More like, when is he.
MARTY: Okay, when is he?
DOC: Don’t use bad grammar around me boy.
MARTY: But, you just...
DOC: I sent Einstein one minute into the future! He’s become the first time traveler!
MARTY: Wait… the DeLorean is a time machine? No wonder they weigh so much.
DOC: No, Marty. I turned the DeLorean into a time machine. The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?
MARTY: This coming from a man who wears Hawaiian shirts underneath his lab coat.
DOC’S WATCH: *beeps*
DOC: Look out!
TIME DELOREAN: *appears... steamy*
DOC AND MARTY: *walk up to it*
TIME DELOREAN: *farts*
DOC: *opens car door*
EINSTEIN: You mother f*cker.
DOC: Einstein, you’re all right! Marty, come here and let me show you how to work this time machine just in case some terrorists decide to appear all of a sudden.
FORESHADOWING: Wait, he doesn’t say that! You’ve seen this before!
DOC: Turn the time circuits on, here’s where you are, where you’re going, where you were, and input on this keypad. Got it?
MARTY: Amazingly, yes... I understand completely.
DOC: Here’s an example, you can go to November 5th, 1955.
MARTY: Why would I want to go there?
DOC: That’s the day I thought up time travel. I was taking a really big dump after some spicy red curry and I hit my head on the sink when I bent down to get some TP. There was sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was my sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in my mouth. Even sh*t on my sh*t. So, I thought of this flux capacitor.
MARTY: I don’t see how those correlate, but okay.
DOC: This is what makes time travel possible. It’s been about 30 years since that day. Things have changed. This mall used to be all farm land. That Radio Shack over there used to be a liquor store.
MARTY: Does this thing just run on gasoline?
DOC: No, plutonium.
MARTY: Uhhh... exsqueeze me?
DOC: I have to use plutonium. Otherwise the plot points wouldn’t show up and chase us.
MARTY: What plot points?
PLOT POINTS: *arrive*
DOC: Those plot points! Run, Marty!
LIBYANS: *start with the shoosting*
DOC: My give up.
SOME LIBYAN: *shoots Doc*
MARTY: Oh my God, you killed Doc. You bastard!
SOME LIBYAN: Muhammad Jihad!
MARTY: *Supermans into DeLorean*
SOME LIBYAN: Durka, durka!
MARTY: *drives away*
LIBYANS: *chase Marty in their shaggin’ wagon*
MARTY: *pushes things he shouldn’t touch*
LIBYANS: *pass by a JCPenny and remind themselves to take a look at their perfume selection after they finish killing the young American boy*
MARTY: *time travels*
That Farm Land Doc was Talking About
MARTY: *crashes car into a barn*
SOME FAMILY: *wakes up and goes out to the barn to check out the loud sound*
THE MOM: Hey man, check out that thing, yo.
THE DAD: Let’s launch over it.
THE SON: It’s aliens!
MARTY: *gets out of car in radioactive suit*
SOME FAMILY: ...
MARTY: Who wants a body massage?
SOME FAMILY: *run away screaming*
MARTY: What were they so scared of.
THE DAD: *fires shotgun at Marty*
MARTY: The Libyans are here, too!?
THE DAD: Die, alien scum!
MARTY: *drives away*
Some Country Road
MARTY: This must just be some kind of bad dream.
THE AUDIENCE: Um, isn’t it obvious to him that he went back in time?
MARTY: *spots something shiny and slams on the brakes*
TIME DELOREAN: *shows off its great power-assisted disc brakes*
MARTY: *gets out*
LARGE BILLBOARD: Ha-ha! You have nowhere to go because your house hasn’t been built yet.
MARTY: Just for that, I’m hiding the broken down DeLorean behind you.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Dag, yo.
Hill Valley Town Square
MARTY: Everything is so... ‘50s.
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS TOUR TRAM: *drives by*
CLOCK TOWER: *rings*
MARTY: *picks up newspaper*
NEWSPAPER: BREAKING NEWS – Teenage Boy Travels Back to November 5, 1955 and Still Hasn’t Figured it Out Yet.
MARTY: This has gotta be a dream.
Lou’s Café of Insults and Forgiveness
MARTY: *enters*
LOU: Did you fall off a boat or something?
MARTY: We live in a town called Hill Valley.
LOU: My apologies for the rude joke.
MARTY: No problem. Where might I be able to find your telephone?
LOU: It’s in the back.
Phone Booth
MARTY: Emmett Brown... where are you?
PHONE BOOK: *ends up having over 200 people with the last name Brown in it despite being in a small town*
MARTY: Found you!
WALDO: Well, to be fair, I am wearing a red and white striped shirt in a strictly black and gray book.
The Café Again
MARTY: Do you know where I might be able to find 1640 River...
LOU: Look kid, are you going to order something or what!?
MARTY: I’m trying to find a friend.
LOU: Ugh, my apologies again for being so unfriendly. I don’t know what is wrong with me these days. Is there anything I can get for you?
MARTY: Coffee, please.
LOU: Here you go, good sir.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY AND A NERDY LOOKING GUY WHO SUSPICIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE MARTY’S FATHER: *turn around*
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Oh, that must be Marty’s father.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Why are there so many dumb people in and out of this movie?
MARTY: Biff?
BIFF: Hey, I’m talking to you McFly.
MARTY: *gulp*
BIFF: *walks past Marty to his dad*
GEORGE: Hey, Biff.
BIFF: You got my homework finished?
GEORGE: Well, it’s advanced calculus, so it’s going to take me longer than one day.
BIFF: Well then why do you think I’m in here, McFly!?
GEORGE: To show my son that I am his father?
BIFF: *noogies, slaps, spits on George... then leaves*
MARTY: *stares at George*
GEORGE: What!? Do I have something on my face or something?
MARTY: You’re my fa...
BARACK OBAMA: Hey, why do you let those boys pick on you?
GEORGE: They’re bigger than me.
BARACK OBAMA: If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: There's not a liberal America and a conservative America - there's the United States of America.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.
GEORGE: Does anything you say ever mean anything?
BARACK OBAMA: No, but it sounds good, don’t it?
MARTY: You’re like the kid who ran for class president in high school that promised longer lunches and less homework, aren’t you?
BARACK OBAMA: Why can't I just eat my waffle?
GEORGE: *disappears*
MARTY: Wuzzuh!?
GEORGE: *rides by outside on bike*
MARTY: Hey, wait!
Some Residential Street
MARTY: *finds George’s bike leaning against a tree minus a George on it*
TREE: *poops leaf*
MARTY: *looks up*
GEORGE: *spies on a shirtless guy*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
GEORGE: *turns his attention to a girl changing*
MARTY: *comes back*
GEORGE: *falls out of tree*
TREE: *poops a George*
CAM: These poop jokes doing anything for you?
THE AUDIENCE: Not really.
CAM: We should hang out more.
CAR: KEEL YOU!!!1!1!!
MARTY: *pushes George out of the way*
CAR: *keels Marty*
Darkened Bedroom of Awkwardness
MARTY: Mom?
SOME GIRL: Quiet now. You’ve been asleep for almost nine hours.
MARTY: I had this crazy dream where everything pooped out of other stuff and this guy named Cam was trying really hard to be funny, but failing miserably. And dad was there, only he was bi or something.
SOME GIRL: Well, you’re safe and sound in my bedroom now back in 1955.
LIGHTS: *turn on to reveal Marty’s young mother*
MARTY: WHAT!? Mom?
LORRAINE: Silly boy. You must have hit your head really hard.
MARTY: I need to get out of here.
LORRAINE: *sits on Marty’s lap*
MARTY: I... you can't... ouch, you're bending it!
FREUD: Marty, trust your feelings.
MARTY: No!
FREUD: That’s your uncle talking.
LORRAINE: Calm down, Calvin.
MARTY: Why are you calling me Calvin?
LORRAINE: You’re wearing Calvin and Hobbes briefs. Your name isn’t Hobbes, is it?
LORRAINE’S MOM: Lorraine, are you tempting that boy upstairs?
LORRAINE: Sh*t, it’s my mom! Quick, put your pants back on!
MARTY: When the heck did you take my pants off!
Dining Room of Awkwardness
LORRAINE’S MOM: That boy you hit is alright.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What were you doing playing out in the street, boy?
MARTY: Apparently creating rifts in the time space continuum.
LORRAINE’S MOM: That’s nice, dear. Do you like Meatloaf?
MARTY: Yeah, he’s an alright musician.
LORRAINE’S MOM: You must have hit your head really hard.
LORRAINE’S DAD: Hey, check it out! I made it so that we can watch Jackie Gleason while we eat. This way, we don’t have to talk to our kids about the dangers of drugs and unprotected sex at the dinner table.
MARTY: Aw, I’ve seen this one before! It’s the one where Jackie Gleason goes, “Pow, right in the kisser!”
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: How can you have seen this before? It’s brand new.
MARTY: I’ve seen it on... TV Land.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: What’s TV Land?
MARTY: A channel that you’ll be on a lot when they replay episodes of The Wonder Years.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: Butthead.
MARTY: Hey, do you guys know where Riverside Drive is?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Yeah, it’s on the east side of town.
MARTY: Past Ricky Schroeder Boulevard?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Who the hell is Ricky Schroeder?
MARTY: You’ll find out.
LORRAINE: Mom, with Calvin’s parents out of town, don’t you think he oughta spend the night? Since I have daddy issues, he can sleep in my room with me.
LORRAINE’S DAD: *continues to watch Jackie abuse Alice*
LORRAINE’S MOM: That sounds like a great idea.
LORRAINE: *plays chicken with Marty*
MARTY: *chickens out immediately*
LORRAINE’S MOM: Where are you going?
MARTY: I should go. Have a nice night. Thx much.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What a ‘tard. His parents must be ‘tards, too. And his parents’ parents. Oh man, why do I feel like I just pwned myself?
LORRAINE: *boycrushes*
1640 Riverside Drive
MARTY: *knocks on door*
DOC: *opens door wearing giant hair dryer*
MARTY: I must have the wrong...
DOC: Get in here!
MARTY: Wuzzuh!
DOC: Don’t say anything! I’m going to read your mind!
MARTY: =X
DOC: You’ve come from far away!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want to tell me the power of Jesus Christ!
MARTY: =[
DOC: You have a disease!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want me to donate to the McCain campaign!
MARTY: No, Doc! I’m from teh future!
DOC: You’re from the future!
MARTY: ...
DOC: This machine totally works.
MARTY: Srsly, Doc. I’m from teh future!
DOC: I dun berieve!
MARTY: I’ll prove it to you! You told me about how you invented time travel. You were... um, in the bathroom... doing the doo... and you hit your head and came up with the flux capacitor.
DOC: I was sh*tting.
MARTY: Yeah...
DOC: You know what this means!?
MARTY: No?
DOC: This machine gives people around me the ability to read my mind!
Some Country Road Again
MARTY: The car broke, so I hid it behind this rude sign.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Hey! I’m a billboard, buddy! A sign is something that tells you what to do on the road.
DOC: When I hit my head in the bathroom, I drew the flux capacitor.
MARTY: Do you have it with you?
DOC: *holds up a piece of toilet paper that has feces on it shaped like the flux capacitor*
MARTY: *shows Doc the real flux capacitor*
DOC: We gotta get this car back to the shop and we gotta get you back to the future.
MARTY: Good deal. But first, could you throw away that dirty toilet paper?
Back to the Doc’s Home
MARTY: Here’s the video I made during your first test.
VIDEO DOC: I need the plutonium to create a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 jiggawatts of electricity.
DOC: 1.21 jiggawatts?
MARTY: What’s a jiggawatt?
DOC: A unit of electricity that Will Smith invented. Look, I don’t think you’re going back to the future now.
MARTY: Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
DOC: The only way we can get that kind of electricity is if we had a bolt of lightning.
MARTY’S CONSCIENCE: "CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime."
MARTY: *pulls out clock tower flyer*
DOC: This is just all too convenient.
MARTY: So, this could work?
DOC: Yes, but until then, you must stay here and not talk to anyone!
MARTY: *whistles*
DOC: You didn’t.
MARTY: My mom... sort of... wants to bone me now.
DOC: Do you have a picture of your family conveniently in your pocket?
MARTY: *hands over picture*
PICTURE: *starts to show Marty’s brother disappearing*
DOC: If you let your mom bone you, you’ll be your own father.
Hill Valley High
DOC: We need to make this right again. Where’s your dad?
MARTY: He’s that nerdy one over there.
DOC: F*ck! I’m leaving this up to you.
MARTY: Hey, George. Remember me? The guy who sort of saved your life.
GEORGE: Didn’t save my movie career?
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my mo... I mean, your wi... I mean, this girl.
LORRAINE: Oh, Calvin! You’re alright!
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my good friend George.
GEORGE: I’m going to do a movie about rats one day.
LORRAINE: Sure, whatever, Will. Calvin, I was so worried about you!
SCHOOL BELL: *rings*
LORRAINE’S FRIEND: Quick, we gotta get to class. We’re already tardy like the rest of the students who are still hanging out in the hallway.
LORRAINE: Isn’t Calvin just a big chunk of beefcake?
FREUD: Hell yes!
High School Cafeteria
MARTY: Sorry about earlier George. Anyway, you should go ask Lorraine out to the Under the Sea dance.
GEORGE: It looks like she’d rather go with Biff.
BIFF: *plays chicken with Lorraine*
MARTY: *grabs Biff by the collar*
BIFF: *is taller*
MARTY: You seem like you should be much taller than me than you already are.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: Are you two fighting?
BIFF: *kisses Marty*
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: *leaves*
BIFF: I’ll let you off this time.
MARTY: Pshhh. More like get me off this time.
Some Other Residential Street
MARTY: George!
GEORGE: Seriously, dude. Are you mancrushing on me?
MARTY: Look, you need to ask Lorraine to the school dance.
GEORGE: No, that’s Battlestar night. Frak you!
MARTY: Battlestar, huh?
George’s Bedroom of Nerdiness
MARTY: *wakes up George*
GEORGE: Bad touch!
MARTY: Quiet, Earthling! I am a cylon. You must go to the dance with Lorraine.
GEORGE: You can’t be a cylon. Cylons are much sexier.
MARTY: Um...
GEORGE: ...
MARTY: *shows some leg*
Town Square
GEORGE: Marty, I need help asking Lorraine to the dance.
MARTY: She’s right over there in the café. Just ask her.
GEORGE: What do I say?
MARTY: Tell her she’s pretty. Girls are shallow like that.
GEORGE: lol, k.
Café
GEORGE: Lorraine, you’re petty.
LORRAINE: Petty?
GEORGE: I mean, pretty.
LORRAINE: Do me here and now.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY: $%&#!
BIFF: I thought I told you to never come in here.
GEORGE: No, you told me to do your homework.
MARTY: *trips Biff*
BIFF: *biffs*
MARTY: *runs away*
Town Square
MARTY: *steals kid’s skateboard*
BIFF AND CO.: *give chase in car*
MARTY: Watch me ollie!
BIFF AND CO.: *watches him ollie*
LORRAINE: *orgasms*
TONY HAWK: Seriously? That hedge was only a foot high.
BIFF AND CO.: *run into manure truck*
MANURE TRUCK: *poops poop*
Back at the Doc’s House
MARTY: Doc, there’s something you should know about what happens to you in teh future.
DOC: Don’t tell me. Now, look at this huge elaborate model that I had the spare time of building since you’ve been gone. When the lightning strikes the tower, it will run down this cable just as this giant hook hits it sending 1.21 jiggawatts of hot, steamy electricity straight to the flux capacitor.
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Giant hooks weren’t invented until 1963.
DOC: Let’s test it out.
TOY CAR: *hits cable and catches on fire*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Fire wasn’t invented until 1957.
DOC: How are things going with your dad?
MARTY: About as good as this car.
DOC: He’s flaming?
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Gays weren’t invented until 1988.
LORRAINE: *knocks*
DOC: It’s your mom! Quick, hide the time machine!
MARTY: *puts cover over car*
LORRAINE: Hey.
MARTY: How did you know I was here?
LORRAINE: I’m stalking you.
MARTY: Oh. Let me introduce you to my Doc... uh, I mean Uncle Doc... Brown. Well, he’s not really my uncle. More like a distant relative. Twice or three times removed. It doesn’t matter.
LORRAINE: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
MARTY: What about dad... erm, George?
LORRAINE: George McFly? He’s kinda weaksauce. Why is there a big metal rod sticking out from underneath this cover?
MARTY: *checks fly*
McFly Residence
MARTY: If you want to go to the dance with Lorraine, we’re going to need to act out this plan that makes you look tough.
GEORGE: I still don’t understand why you’re so adamant about me going to the dance with her. You’re not looking for a ménage à trois, are you?
MARTY: I don’t speak Spanish, George. Anyway, so the plan is I pick her up, pretend to start raping her, and then you beat me up. Got it?
GEORGE: And then I rape her?
MARTY: ...
Town Square
DOC: I’m going to miss you, Marty.
MARTY: Doc, you really should know something about teh future.
DOC: Nein!
Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café
MARTY: *writes letter to Doc about him being killed in the future*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Paper wasn’t invented until 19...
CAM: *shoots Buzzkill Historian in the head*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: *dead*
CAM: There. He’s gone. He’ll never bother us again.
Immediately After Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café in Town Square
MARTY: *slips Doc’s jacket the letter*
DOC: *slips questioning cop a tenner*
Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me! ♪
Outside the Dance in the Parking Lot of Incest
MARTY: Rape time.
LORRAINE: Sweet. I love being raped.
MARTY: What!? Seriously?
LORRAINE: Yeah. Get krunk!
MARTY: *is nervous*
LORRAINE: Why so serious?
MARTY: I just... uh...
LORRAINE: *kisses Marty*
MARTY: *kinda liked it*
LORRAINE: That felt like kissing my brother. Weird, huh?
MARTY: No. I kiss my brother all the time.
BIFF: *pulls Marty out of the car*
MARTY: *is still short*
BIFF: You caused $300 worth of damage to my car.
MARTY: Wow... that’s not a bad price. Which auto shop did you take your car to?
BIFF: Shut up, butthead! Guys, take him to the back. I’ll be right there, after I take care of some business.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: With Lorraine.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: In this car.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: Man, you guys are dumb.
Behind the School
GUY #1: Hey, let’s put him in this car trunk.
GUY #2: Do you guys smell weed?
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! What you be doin’ to my car?
GUY #3: It’s a giant enemy crab! Run away!
SEBASTIAN: Who in der?
MARTY: Help! I’m locked in the trunk.
SEBASTIAN: Hold on. I’ll go get King Triton.
Parking Lot of Rape
BIFF: *has his way*
GEORGE: Get your damn hands off her.
BIFF: *turns to George*
GEORGE: F*ck.
BIFF: *puts George in the sleeper hold*
GEORGE: *falls asleep*
BIFF: *finishes raping Lorraine, kills Marty, and gets his car fixed... the end*
GEORGE: Yeah, right!
BIFF: *gets punched by George*
LORRAINE: Hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 26 million dollars, please.
Back to the Behind the School
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I could not find the king, but Flounder here is really good at picking locks.
FLOUNDER: *flops around on the ground*
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I dun think this will work.
TRUNK: *opens*
MARTY: Are you guys gonna keep playing music for the dance so that my parents can kiss?
SEBASTIAN: How can we, mon? We’re just sea creatures. And Flounder looks... dead.
MARTY: Well then how the hell were you playing earlier?
SEBASTIAN: No idea. But, if you are willing to play the bongos, we’ll be more than happy to sing the perfect love song to get your parents to kiss.
The Dance
MARTY: *plays the bongos*
LORRAINE AND GEORGE: *dance*
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared. You got the mood prepared. Go on and kiss the girl. ♪
SOME BASTARD CHILD: I’m cuttin’ in, McFly!
LORRAINE: *barely fights him off*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
LORRAINE: George! Save me again!
GEORGE: *punches redheaded freak and lays a smack on Lorraine*
THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*
CAM: No, "smack" as in a kiss.
THE AUDIENCE: Oh.
MARTY: *reappears and plays the bongos like you’ve never seen anyone play them before*
Stairwell of Goodbyes
LORRAINE: George is going to take me home.
MARTY: Good. I had a good feeling about you two.
LORRAINE: Like the relief after a huge fart? I feel that, too.
MARTY: Good luck.
Town Square of Goodbyes
DOC: You’re late.
MARTY: Sorry, I got too into playing the bongos.
DOC: Everything is all set. Just start over there and don’t go until this alarm goes off.
MARTY: Thanks, Doc.
DOC: Thank you.
MARTY AND DOC: *kiss*
MARTY: Is that a letter in your pocket, or are you just happy to kiss me?
DOC: What’s with this letter?
MARTY: Oh yeah...
DOC: Is this about my future?
MARTY: Possibly.
DOC: *tears it up*
MARTY: Fine, I’ll tell you what happens.
TREE BRANCH: *falls onto cable*
DOC: Crap! I need to fix this or it won’t work. You need to go get in position.
MARTY: *gets in position*
DOC: *jungle gyms on clock tower*
MARTY: I got it! I can just go back to teh future a little earlier and warn Doc about getting shot.
CAM: Dude, he has so many options. He could also go back to 1955 after getting more plutonium in the future. He could also go back in time in 1985 and warn Doc. Man, Marty is an idiot.
MARTY: I’m so smart.
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: No wonder John DeLorean went bankrupt.
DOC: *apparently weighs a lot and keeps breaking off pieces of the clock tower ledge*
MARTY: *desperately tries to start car*
ALARM: *goes off*
MARTY: *slams head against horn*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently starts by hitting the horn*
MARTY: Yes! Go, Speed, go!
DOC: *Tarzans down to fix cable*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently takes one and a half minutes to get up to 88 MPH*
DOC: *attaches cable right when the lightning strikes, electrocuting him*
MARTY: *goes back to the future*
DOC: *apparently survives a 1.21 gigawatt bolt to the body and is impressed with himself*
Town Square 1985
TIME DELOREAN: *appears and runs into some homeless guy*
MARTY: Well, at least I’m changing things in teh present now.
THE LIBYANS: *pass by driving towards the mall*
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: Is this ever going to end?
Lone Pine Mall (<-Did You Catch That?)
MARTY: *apparently runs as fast as a car*
LIBYANS: *still shoot Doc*
MARTY: *watches his old self run away from the Libyans*
OLD MARTY: *hops into the DeLorean*
MARTY: Damn, I have a nice ass.
OLD MARTY: *time travels to 1955*
LIBYANS: *are killed by a photo development booth*
DOC: *is alive*
MARTY: I confused.
DOC: I taped your letter back together.
MARTY: *mancrushes*
Outside the McFly House
MARTY: So, where are you going?
DOC: 30 years into the future.
MARTY: Do you think it’ll be much different?
DOC: Probably not. Hopefully a lot less Mexicans.
MARTY: Well, look me up when you get there. Let me know if I turn out gay so I can change that.
THE AUDIENCE: Wow, racism and homophobia in the same scene.
CAM: What can I say? I’m a classy guy.
DOC: *goes to the future*
The Next Morning at the McFly House
THE FURNITURE: *looks expensive*
MARTY’S SIBLINGS: *are all dressed up*
LORRAINE: *is thin and healthy*
GEORGE: *is freakin’ loaded*
BIFF: *buffs*
MARTY: *gets the truck he always wanted*
JENNIFER: *shows up*
MARTY: I’ll have to remember to go to teh past and change you so that you look hotter somehow.
DOC: *appears in the DeLorean*
MARTY: Aw, hell.
DOC: Marty! You and Jennifer need to come to the future with me!
MARTY: Seriously? I turn out gay!?
DOC: No, no, no. Your kids do!
MARTY: Drive as fast as you can.
FIN.
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