CAM: Bethany had her first OB/GYN appointment today and everything went well. While we were in the waiting room of the laboratory, four Texan women were able to meet and tell each other about themselves. These are their stories (all voices in extremely loud female Texas accents):
PEGGY SUE: Boy, I tell you what, them Aggies man. That's a good school right there.
MARY LOU: Dag gone ya'll, that place has gotten bigger than a cowpie on a Tuesday.
BETTY ANN: Ya'll went to A&M?
MARY LOU: I did, she didn't.
BETTY ANN: Shoot, my son goes there right now. I'm worried 'bout him.
PEGGY SUE: Why's that, darlin'?
BETTY ANN: Well, because he's from such a small town and A&M is so big.
MARY LOU: It sure has gotten bigger... like a cowpie on a Friday.
PEGGY SUE: ...
MARY LOU: Where are you from?
BETTY ANN: I'm from down there in Sonora.
MARY LOU: *nods*
PEGGY SUE: *nods*
BETTY ANN: Where ya'll from?
PEGGY SUE: We're both from Barnhart.
BETTY ANN: Okay, okay. Ya'll know a fella by the name of C.Q. Washington?
MARY LOU: HELLZ YEAH!... I mean... yes. We know him.
BETTY ANN: Well, he's my uncle-in-law.
MARY LOU: No wai.
BETTY ANN: Yep, I married his brother's son.
PEGGY SUE: Well, I'll be darned.
BOBBIE JO: Ya'll say you from Barnhart?
MARY LOU: We are.
BOBBIE JO: Well check this here out. I'm from Miles.
MARY LOU: *laughs hard*
PEGGY SUE: *laughs hard*
BETTY ANN: Don't blink!
BOBBIE JO: *laughs*
BETTY ANN: Don't blink or you'll miss it!
ALL: *laugh obnoxiously loud*
PEGGY SUE: No, blink twice and you'll miss Miles. Blink once and you'll miss Barnhart.
ALL: *laugh some more, sounding more and more like clucking hens*
BOBBIE JO: *laughs so hard she lays an egg*
PEGGY SUE: Wait, what's your name?
BOBBIE JO: Bobbie Jo.
PEGGY SUE: No, your last name.
BOBBIE JO: Ortiz.
PEGGY SUE: You wouldn't know Willy Ortiz now, would ya?
BOBBIE JO: Yeah, he's my brother's father-in-law!
PEGGY SUE: We know him back from grade school.
MARY LOU: He was the feisty one, that boy.
BOBBIE JO: I'll bet! He is a character!
PEGGY SUE: Ain't that the truth!
MARY LOU: Like a cowpie!
ALL: *laugh so loud*
NURSE: Bethany.
CAM: Oh, thank God.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Monday, January 22, 2007
PROGRESS: *ensues*
CAM: I worked on my latest D/S for about two hours last night, and if my calculations are correct, I am 1/4 done with it. I'm still not going to tell you what it is yet. You'll just have to work on that last clue I gave you.
CAM'S READERS: How can you expect us to care when you barely make any updates to this page?
CAM: Well, I was hoping that my loyal readers would take interest.
CAM'S READERS: We're tired of seeing all this Harry Potter stuff.
CAM: Probably not a good thing that I still have some Harry Potter icons to put up.
CAM'S READERS: *big sigh*
CAM: Look, just wait patiently and you'll get to read the new D/S in no time.
CAM'S READERS: Suuuuure. At this rate, you'll post a new one once a year... if we're lucky.
CAM: Alright, you know what! I don't need to argue with you about this.
CAM'S READERS: We're not the ones arguing with you, mate. You're just arguing with yourself.
CAM: I... what!?
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: *looks around*
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: Hello?
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: I'm scared.
CAM'S READERS: How can you expect us to care when you barely make any updates to this page?
CAM: Well, I was hoping that my loyal readers would take interest.
CAM'S READERS: We're tired of seeing all this Harry Potter stuff.
CAM: Probably not a good thing that I still have some Harry Potter icons to put up.
CAM'S READERS: *big sigh*
CAM: Look, just wait patiently and you'll get to read the new D/S in no time.
CAM'S READERS: Suuuuure. At this rate, you'll post a new one once a year... if we're lucky.
CAM: Alright, you know what! I don't need to argue with you about this.
CAM'S READERS: We're not the ones arguing with you, mate. You're just arguing with yourself.
CAM: I... what!?
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: *looks around*
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: Hello?
CAM'S READERS: ...
CAM: I'm scared.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Harry Potter Icons #2
Here are four more icons for your enjoyment.
Also, I am brain storming some ideas for the next D/S. It's my density...
Also, I am brain storming some ideas for the next D/S. It's my density...
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Harry Potter Icons #1
I'll be slowly posting some HP DS icons, so check back often. Here are your first two:
Saturday, August 19, 2006
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire D/S
Disclaimer: Don’t get me wrong... I love the Harry Potter books and movies. I find that the bigger fan-base a movie has, the easier it is to poke fun at it. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. My wife, Bethany, acted as a great researcher and editor. Thanks to her. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.
Somewhere at Night
NA-CGI-GINI: *crawls up through some undergrowth as magical floating letters appear in the sky reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"*
Dark Room
OLD MAN: *puts kettle on and notices someone has turned a light on in the creepy big house up on the hill*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Old man? He has a name and it’s Frank and he has an entire back-story that is really important because...
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: Oh, no he doesn’t!
OLD MAN: Bloody kids!
Creepy Big House
OLD MAN: *sneaks up to a room where three men are speaking*
WORMTAIL: Maybe if we do it the same, but different...
VOLDEMORT: NO! We will do it the way I say and that is that!
UNKNOWN MAN: I will not disappoint you, my lord.
VOLDEMORT: Good. Gather up the troops and draw fire!
NA-CGI-GINI: *slithers past the oldfrankman and whispers something in parsel-tongue to Voldemort*
VOLDEMORT: Come now, Nagini! You know I don’t speak Spanish.
NA-CGI-GINI: *re-whispers*
VOLDEMORT: I see. Apparently there is an oldfrankman standing right outside the door.
WORMTAIL: *opens the door to reveal oldfrankman standing there*
VOLDEMORT: Step aside so I can give him a proper greeting.
OLD MAN: Oh well, in that case, hello there. My name is Fra...
VOLDEMORT: OH, NO IT’S NOT! AVADA CADAVAR!
The Weasley House
HARRY: *is having a nightmare about everything above and his scar is hurting*
HERMIONE: Wake up, Harry!
HARRY: Hey... you’ve gotten... bigger.
HERMIONE: ...and you’ve gotten deeper.
HARRY: When did you get here?
HERMIONE: Just now, you?
HARRY: I... don’t... know... first, I was at my aunt and uncle’s and now I’m here...
HERMIONE: I don’t care, but I’m sure it was a funny story. Wake up Ron!
RON: But, I’m not decent! And you’re... bigger.
Somewhere in the Woods
RON: Wait! I didn’t get to say good-bye to Mom!
MR. WEASLEY: Who?
RON: Where are we going anyways?
MR. WEASLEY: Haven’t the foggiest, keep up!
HARRY: Wait... he doesn’t know where we are going?
AMOS: There you are. What took you?
MR. WEASLEY: Ginny fell in the toilet again. We had to pull her out.
CEDRIC: *falls out of the sky*
MR. WEASLEY: And this handsome, strapping young lad must be your son, Cedric?
CEDRIC: Yes, sir.
AMOS: And you must be Harry Potter!
RON: Oh, no, I’m Ronald Weas...
AMOS: *walks past Ron to Harry*
RON: Oh, yes, of course... him.
HARRY: Hello, sir.
AMOS: Pleasure.
HARRY: Yes... pleasure...?
AMOS: This way, everyone.
Up on ze Hill Lies das Boot
HARRY: Why is everyone standing around that old boot?
FRED: It’s...
GEORGE: ...not...
FRED: ...just...
GEORGE: ...a...
FRED: ...boot.
GEORGE: It’s...
FRED: ...a...
GEORGE: ...portkey.
HARRY: That’s not a key. It’s a boot!
MR. WEASLEY: Not a key, Harry. A portkey.
HARRY: That thing would never fit into a keyhole.
MR. WEASLEY: Just touch it.
EVERYONE: *touches the portkey and flies through the air*
MR. WEASLEY: Let go kids!
HERMIONE: Foo’. I know you be jokin’, right?
MR. WEASLEY: Let! Go!
HARRY: *lets go of the portkey*
HERMIONE: *lets go of the portkey*
RON: *lets go of the portkey*
AND THEY ALL: *fall down*
CEDRIC: *helps Harry up*
HARRY: *boycrushes*
Tent City
MR. WEASLEY: Welcome to the Quidditch World Cup.
MAGIC JUGGLER: *hits Hermione in the face*
WIZARDS ON BROOMS: *fly by*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Aren’t they afraid of being seen?
HARRY POTTER FANS: *perform memory charms*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Oh, look! Shiny red things!
MR. WEASLEY: Here is our tent.
EVERYONE EXCEPT HARRY: *goes into the tent*
HARRY: There is no way that we are all going to fit in that tent.
RON: Come on Harry!
HARRY: *goes into the tent to find that it is magically bigger*
MR. WEASLEY: Ginny, you can’t sleep there. That’s Harry’s bed!
GINNY: *blushes and runs away*
HARRY: I lessthanthree magic.
Stadium de la Cup de la World
RON: Geez, dad... how far up are our seats?
LUCIUS: Your seats are so high that when you spit off of them, it will take a really long time until it hits the ground.
DRACO: Good one, dad.
LUCIUS: Shut up, boy!
DRACO: *tear*
LUCIUS: *pins Harry’s foot down with his pimp cane*
HARRY: What?
LUCIUS: Do try to enjoy yourself while you still can, wink.
HARRY: Did you mean to say "wink," or actually wink?
LUCIUS: I... shut up!
On the 500th Floor of the Stadium
MR. WEASLEY: I told you these were good seats.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Please let there be Winky. Please let there be Winky.
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: I don’t believe in house elves.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD: *a house elf falls down dead*
FRED: It’s...
GEORGE: ...the...
FRED: ...Irish!
IRISH QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead while drinking beers*
GEORGE: Now...
FRED: ...the...
GEORGE: ...Bulgarians!
BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead led by a cocky broom flier*
RON: Who is that?
TWINS: Krum!
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air a hundred times*
RON: *boycrushes*
MINISTER OF MAGIC: Ready. Fight!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Yes!
THE SCENE: *ends*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Nooooooooooo!
Back at the Weasley Tent
RON: Krum is the best. Krum can beat anyone. Krum is the man. Krum is better than a man.
GINNY: Think you’re in love, Ron?
RON: Gotten off Harry, have you!?
GINNY: *blushes and runs away*
FRED: Sounds...
GEORGE: ...like...
FRED: ...the...
GEORGE: ...Irish...
FRED: ...have...
GEORGE: ...got...
FRED: ...their...
GEORGE: ...pride...
FRED: ...on.
MR. WEASLEY: It’s not the Irish.
GEORGE: The British?
MR. WEASLEY: No.
FRED: Ze Germans?
MR. WEASLEY: No.
RON: Le French?
EVERYBODY EXCEPT RON: *laughs*
MR. WEASLEY: Ahem... no. We’ve got to get out of here.
RON: So, it’s not the French.
Outside where People are Running for Their Lives, Fire is Conjured out of Nowhere, and Wizards in Hooded Robes Rule the Land (not Ringwraiths)
MR. WEASLEY: Everyone back to das boot! Fred and George, Ginny is your responsibility.
GINNY: Oh, come on, Dad! Let me go with Harry!
MR. WEASLEY: Do as I say! You don’t want to have another toilet accident again, do you?
GINNY: *gulps and leaves with Fred and George*
HERMIONE: Come on Harry!
HARRY: *KO’d*
Time Passes in Tent City Where Smoke Still Rises
UNKNOWN MAN: *casts a spell which causes a bright flash and a large ghostly skull forms in the sky with a snake crawling from it*
HARRY: *awakens and sees this unknown man*
UNKNOWN MAN: *goes after Harry until he hears the sounds of other people, so he flees*
RON: We’ve been looking for you for ages.
HARRY: Is that why you have lipstick all over your face?
HERMIONE: I tripped and my lips fell on his face.
HARRY: Right. What’s that because it is making my scar hurt like something fierce.
MINISTRY OF MAGIC: *suddenly appears and casts stupefy on the trio, but they all seem to have bad aim and miss*
MR. WEASLEY: STOP! That’s my son, Fred!
RON: I’m not Fred.
MR. WEASLEY: George!
RON: I’m not George either.
MR. WEASLEY: Charlie?
RON: He’s never even been in any of the movies so far.
MR. WEASLEY: Oh, right... Percy.
RON: ...
MR. WEASLEY: ...Ginny?
BARTY: Which of you conjured it!?
HARRY: Conjured what?
HERMIONE: That is the dark mark Harry. His mark.
HARRY: Barty’s?
HERMIONE: No.
HARRY: Mr. Weasley’s?
HERMIONE: No.
HARRY: ...Ginny?
HERMIONE: ...
HARRY: Oh, right, Voldemort!
BARTY: His name doesn’t bother us anymore for some reason, but yes.
HARRY: There was a man just over there.
BARTY: This way, crew!
MR. WEASLEY: A man, Harry?
HARRY: Yeah, you know, like a woman, but with a penis.
MR. WEASLEY: I know that! Who was it?
HARRY: Oh... um... Ginny?
Hogwarts Express Carriage
LADY: Anything from the trolley?
RON: Packet of Droobles and a licorice wand.
LADY: That’ll be £4.50.
RON: On second thought, how much is your dust?
HARRY: I’ll have a...
CHO: Two pumpkin pasties, please.
HARRY: ...Cho...
CHO’S FRIENDS: *laugh*
HARRY: ...um... Cho... chocolate frog!
LADY: Nice try sonny, but I think she caught on.
HARRY: *sits back down*
HERMIONE: This is horrible. How can the Ministry not know who conjured the dark mark?
RON: Well, you see, the person probably conjured it and then ran so as to not get caught.
HERMIONE: Thanks. Harry, you should tell Sirius about your nightmare and what happened at the World Cup.
HARRY: *sends Hedwig off with a letter to Sirius*
HEDWIG: You shall never see me again.
Outside Hogwarts
THE STUDENTS: *run over to see a carriage being pulled by seven flying horses*
HAGRID: Clear the runway!
THE STUDENTS: *gather to also see a large ship emerge from under the water*
HAGRID: Clear the port!
Great Hall of Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Now that we’re all settled in and sorted...
HARRY POTTER FANS: I must have missed that part.
DUMBLEDORE: ...I’d like to make an announcement. We’re going to have to share our castle with foreigners.
STUDENTS: *groan*
FILCH: *runs like a girl*
HARRY POTTER FANS: [sarcastic] Oh, let’s add in Filch running funny, but cut out the whole house elves thing. Smart. [/sarcastic]
DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts will be hosting a legendary event. The Tri-Wizard Tournament.
FILCH: *whispers in Dumbledore’s ear and runs away... like a girl*
DUMBLEDORE: Let me introduce our foreigners. The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and their headmistress Madam Maxime.
GROUP OF GIRLS: *come in through the main door and conjure chirping butterflies from their armpits*
RON: Bloody hell!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Not as mesmerizing as I would have hoped.
SEAMUS: That’s a huge b*tch.
MADAME MAXIME: *tear*
DUMBLEDORE: And now, greet the proud sons of Durmstrang and the high master, Igor Karkaroff.
GROUPS OF BOYS: *come in through the main door playing with the fire sticks*
HERMIONE: Bloody hell!
RON: Blimey, it’s Viktor Krum!
KRUM: *is apparently too good for cartwheels and somersaults, so he just walks in with Karkaroff*
Meanwhile, Outside Hogwarts
A PLOT POINT: *arrives*
Back in the Great Hall
KARKAROFF: *has a staring match with Snape*
MADAME MAXIME: Dumbledore, my horses have traveled a long way. They will need attending to.
DUMBLEDORE: Not to worry. I’ll just assign our only half-giant Hagrid to care for them.
MADAME MAXIME: Monsieur Hagrid, they only drink single malt whisky like I do.
HAGRID: I... uh... yes... I will feed your whore... uh, horsies! Yes. Hot in here?
DUMBLEDORE: Everyone! Your attention please. I’d like to say a few words. Magnifying glass, cherry blossoms, truffles, atlas, North Pole... no, I take that last one back. I’m going to hang on to that one.
STUDENTS: What... the... hell?
DUMBLEDORE: A student will be chosen from each school to compete in three tasks. The three tasks are The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
HARRY: I call the Wardrobe.
DUMBLEDORE: Just kidding. That would be absurd and much too easy. Or, hard? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Either way, the ministry has decided to add in a new rule. To explain this rule, we have brought in Bartimus Crouch all the way from the Ministry of Magic and the Department of International Magical Cooperation...
STRANGE MAN: *enters the great hall from the back entrance*
THUNDER: *thunders in the great hall*
RAIN: *rains in the great hall*
STRANGE MAN: *casts a spell at the ceiling to make the bad weather stop*
RON: It’s Mad-Eye Moody.
HERMIONE: The auror?
DEAN THOMAS: Auror?
HARRY POTTER FANS: DEAN SPEAKS!
RON: An auror is a dark wizard catcher according to Webster’s. Half the cells in Azkaban are full thanks to him.
DUMBLEDORE: My dear old friend! Thanks for coming.
MAD-EYE MOODY: You should look into getting that ceiling fixed. It never broke down in the book.
DUMBLEDORE: Indeed.
MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes a swig of plot point*
SEAMUS: Wazzat hee drinken yoo ‘spose?
HARRY: I can’t understand what Seamus is saying. Stupid Irish!
BARTY: After much deliberation, the Ministry has concluded that for their own safety, no student under the age of seventeen shall be allowed to put forth their name for the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
STUDENTS: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!
DUMBLEDORE: Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilence!
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *is revealed*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Ohhhhh, pretty.
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: It’s only a model.
DUMBLEDORE: Here’s the dilly-o. Put you name in by Thursday. Once done, there is no turning back. From this moment on, the Tri-Wizard Tournament has begun!
STUDENTS: *waits for something to happen*
DUMBLEDORE: ...everyone to bed.
At the Great Hall while Everyone is Asleep
KARKAROFF: Now, to confuse the audience...
DADA Classroom
MAD-EYE MOODY: The name is Mad-Eye, you see. Dumbledore wanted me here. There are three unforgivable curses, you see. Put that gum somewhere else, Irish boy. Weasley, first curse please.
RON: The...
MAD-EYE MOODY: That’s right. The imperious curse. Goes like this, you see.
SPIDER: *gets lifted and controlled by Mad-Eye*
MAD-EYE MOODY: It’s fun to torture spiders, you see. Do you like spider, Mr. Malfoy?
DRACO: My beautiful hair!
MAD-EYE MOODY: You get the point; I can make it do whatever I want. Mr. Longbottom, next curse plzkthx.
NEVILLE: C...
MAD-EYE MOODY: Cruciatus curse. Yes, correct, you see. Also known as the torture curse. Observe!
SPIDER: *cries*
NEVILLE: *cries*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Poor Neville!
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: That curse sounds like seafood.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Miss Granger, last curse.
HERMIONE: ...
MAD-EYE MOODY: Avada Kadavra!
SPIDER: *dies and its guts squirt all over Hermione*
RON: Best. Lesson. Ever.
Spiral Stairs
HERMIONE: Are you okay, Neville?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom, I need to show you a plot point.
NEVILLE: *leaves with Moody*
Goblet Room
CEDRIC: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*
RON: *boycrushes*
GEORGE: We...
FRED: ...are...
GEORGE: ...going...
FRED: ...to...
GEORGE: ...enter...
FRED: ...our...
GEORGE: ...names.
HERMIONE: It’s not going to work.
ALL OF THE 13-YEAR-OLD BOYS: OMG, she’s looking right at me.
THE TWINS: *drink a potion and submit their names*
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: You’re fired!
DONALD TRUMP: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.
THE TWINS: *fly back and turn into old men*
THE NEW DUMBLEDORE: *does have a sense of humor after all*
KRUM: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*
HERMIONE: *boycrushes*
RON: *boycrushes*
The Goblet Room on Thursday Night
DUMBLEDORE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! The champion selection!
EVERYONE: *cheers*
DUMBLEDORE: Krum!
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air some more*
DUMBLEDORE: Fleur!
FLEUR: *fixes her hair*
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric!
CEDRIC: *blinds everyone with his smile*
ALL OF THE BOYS AT HOGWARTS: *boycrush*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: He’s only a model.
DUMBLEDORE: We have our three champions! Join us next week for another exciting episode. Same bat time, same robin channel.
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *never spits out Harry’s name and he actually has a peaceful year at Hogwarts where he watches the Tri-Wizard Tournament and Voldemort does not use him to come back...*
THE AUDIENCE: I paid ten bucks for that!?
DUMBLEDORE: *catches another name*
SNAPE: I confused.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter.
HAGRID: No.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter? Do we have a Harry Potter in this school?
HARRY: I hope not.
DUMBLEDORE: HARRY POTTER!
HERMIONE: You better go up there before he dies, too.
RICHARD HARRIS: Low blow, Cam. Low blow.
CAM: Oh, yeah? Well, writing these things isn’t actually easy. You try and think of a better joke.
RICHARD HARRIS: You could always add in farting. That is always funny.
CAM: Good point.
HERMIONE: *farts*
RON: Bloody hell!
HERMIONE: Sorry, I had a bean flavored Every Flavor Bean earlier today.
Random Area Behind the Goblet Room with Shiny Spinning Stuff
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire!?
HARRY: No, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: *slaps Harry across the face*
HARRY: *cries*
DUMBLEDORE: Don’t lie to me boy!
HARRY: I’m not lying!
MADAME MAXIME: He’s lying!
MAD-EYE MOODY: You have to be a pretty good wizard to have hoodwinked that, you see.
DUMBLEDORE: Nevertheless, I leave this to you, Barty.
BARTY: He is a Tri... erm... Quad-Wizard Champion.
Dumbledore’s Office
MCGONAGALL: Something is not right here.
DUMBLEDORE: What do you think we should do?
MCGONAGALL: Don’t let Potter compete.
DUMBLEDORE: That would be too easy and there wouldn’t be much of a story.
SNAPE: We should let him compete so we can find out what is going on.
DUMBLEDORE: Good idea, Severus. I trust you completely.
CAM: Me too.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Hisssssssss.
DUMBLEDORE: Keep an eye on him Mad-Eye.
MAD-EYE MOODY: I’ll keep my best one on him.
DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*
Gryffindor Boy’s Dormitories
RON: How’d you do it?
HARRY: *emotear*
RON: Nevermind. I hate you.
HARRY: I hate myself.
RON: Good!
HARRY: Fine!
RON: Piss off!
PISS OFF: *is the real reason this movie got a PG-13 rating*
Another Random Room in Hogwarts
RITA: I’m Rita Skeeter and I write for the Daily Prophet.
DAVE CHAPELLE: Skeet, skeet, skeet!
RITA: I need to interview all of you. Let’s start with the main character, shall we?
CEDRIC: *starts going with her*
RITA: Nice try, pretty boy, but I meant him.
HARRY: *follows Rita into a broom closet*
RITA: *rubs suggestively past Harry*
HARRY: *is reminded of cub scouts*
RITA: How old are you?
HARRY: Fourteen.
RITA: Twelve!? Great. And how do you feel about your parents dying?
HARRY: I don’t see how that applies to...
RITA: Really sad!? Good. And who does your wand?
HARRY: Well, I bought it at...
RITA: You stole it!? Tsk, tsk.
The Owl Tower of Poop
HARRY: Why is the Owlery, like, four miles away from school?
SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *lands with a letter*
HARRY: You’re not Hedwig, but I assume this letter is for me.
LETTER: Dear Harry, We need to talk face to molten lava face. Meet me in the Gryffindor common room on Saturday night at one o’clock eastern time, two central. Love, Sirius. P.S. Careful, the bird poops.
SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *poops*
RICHARD HARRIS: Alas, another good joke!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: Sirius?
SIRIUS: *appears in the fireplace looking like the Thing from Fantastic Four*
HARRY: Worst Marvel movie ever!
SIRIUS: I don’t have much time, Harry. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?
HARRY: No. How did you even know about that?
SIRIUS: I read Rita Skeeter’s article in the Daily Prophet. Harry, you are so emo. Now, tell me about this nightmare.
HARRY: Well, Voldemort and Wormtail are there, and then there is a third man.
SIRIUS: Who?
HARRY: If I knew, it wouldn’t be much of a movie, now would it?
SIRIUS: Yes, well, Hogwarts is obviously not safe anymore. Did you know that Karkaroff was a Death Eater?
HARRY: That guy? He barely speaks any English.
SIRIUS: Also, Barty Crouch is bad.
HARRY: Who here isn’t bad?
SIRIUS: Good point. Be careful in the tournament, Harry.
GARY OLDMAN: *collects his pay check and leaves… his job is done*
HARRY: That was a waste of time.
RON: Who are you talking to?
HARRY: Your mom!
RON: Impossible. She’s not even in this one.
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Okay, we get it. The book is better.
Lake
NEVILLE: Harry, look at these awesome plot points!
HARRY: Not right now, Neville.
HERMIONE: Harry, Ron wanted me to tell you that Seamus told him that Snape told him that Dumbledore told him that Charlie told him that Neville told him that Angelina told her that Colin told him that Jimmy told him that Andrew told him that Cho told her that Roger told him that Susan told her that Rose told her that Bole told him that Malcom told him that Harper told him that Poliakoff told him that Hagrid is looking for you.
HARRY: You’re going to have to repeat that.
HERMIONE: This is stupid. You two are acting like girls.
RON: Girls?
HERMIONE: Yeah, you know, like a boy, but with a vagina.
HARRY: Oh, I think I have one of those!
HERMIONE, RON, AND GINNY: *stare at Harry for 5.2 seconds*
Forest
HARRY: What did you want from me, Hagrid?
HAGRID: Check this out...
DRAGON: ROAR!
HARRY: *wets himself*
Hogwarts Grounds
BADGE: Potter stinks!
HARRY: *puts on deodorant*
CEDRIC: Those weren’t my idea.
HARRY: I don’t care. Look, because I have a crush on you and all, I’m going to tell you that the first task is dragons.
CEDRIC: Cool! Do we ride the dragons!?!?
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: Do we play football with the dragons!?
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: OH! Do we cook with the dragons!?
HARRY: We’re going to fight them.
CEDRIC: ...
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: ...and then we’re going to play football with them, right?
RON AND SEAMUS: *enter stage right*
HARRY: You suck, Ron!
RON: Okay.
DRACO: Hey, Potter! I bet you’re going to go down like a sack of cranberries in this tournament!
HARRY: I don’t understand the analogy.
DRACO: Well... you see... cranberries... sack...
HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: Awww... Draco stumbles his words around Harry. Cute!
HARRY: You are a pathetic.
DRACO: *takes out his wand*
CAM: Calm down, H/D shippers. A real wand.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Ferret!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Bounce him against the ceiling!
MAD-EYE MOODY: *puts ferretDraco in Goyle’s pants*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Now that is a pleasant surprise.
MCGONAGALL: Professor Moody, is that a student?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Maybe...
MCGONAGALL: *turns Draco back into human*
DRACO: *runs away crying*
Mad-Eye’s Study
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!
HARRY: What’s in the chest?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Oh, nothing. Just a plot point. So, what are you going to do about the dragon?
HARRY: Um...
MAD-EYE MOODY: What are you good at?
HARRY: I made a really good piece of macaroni art back in second year.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Here’s a hint Harry: broom.
HARRY: Oh, I know! My broom!
Task 1 Waiting Tent
HERMIONE: Harry, be careful out there.
HARRY: Okay.
HERMIONE: *leaphug*
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: I’m SO making that my desktop background.
DUMBLEDORE: Alright, everyone gather around so you can pick your dragon. What are you doing here Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: I was... um... I’m out.
FLEUR: *picks the Welch’s Grape Juice Dragon*
KRUM: *picks the Chinese Rice Dragon*
CEDRIC: *picks the Swedish Meatballs Dragon*
HARRY: Crap, that leaves the...
BARTY: ...the Hungarian Horntail.
HARRY: Can I have some rice instead?
BARTY: Each dragon is protecting a golden egg. You must capture that egg so that you can perform the next task. Any questions?
KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me.
BARTY: That’s not a question.
KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me?
BARTY: No.
The Other Contestants Perform but We Only Get to See Harry
HARRY: This sucks.
DUMBLEDORE: And now, our fourth and final contestant.
HARRY: *walks out into stadium*
DRAGON: Fire!
HARRY: Argh!
DRAGON: Now, if I roll above a 10, I take all of your gold.
HARRY: Okay, but if you roll under a 10, I get my broom.
DRAGON: *rolls dice*
DICE: 8.
HARRY: Yes! Fly away!
DRAGON: Oh no you don’t!
HARRY: *flies to Hogwarts*
DRAGON: *follows and destroys some towers*
HARRY: *flies to some bridge*
DRAGON: *runs into some bridge and dies*
PETA: That dragon deserved to live a free life!
PENN: Shut up you terrorists!
TELLER: ...
PETA: That’s it, we’re suing!
HARRY: Um... hello... I won.
THE AUDIENCE: Yay!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: Should I open this egg?
STUDENTS: Yes!
HARRY: *opens egg*
EGG: VuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUDENTS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HARRY: *closes egg*
RON: Bloody hell!
HARRY: Talking to me now, are you?
RON: I believe you didn’t put your name in.
HARRY AND RON: *kiss and make up*
HARRY/RON SHIPPERS: *kiss and make up*
J.K. ROWLING: You all are weird.
Lunch at the Great Hall
NIGEL: Parcel for you Mr. Weasley.
RON: Thanks.
NIGEL: *stares at Harry*
HARRY: *pretends not to notice*
RON: Not now. Go away.
HERMIONE: What was that about?
RON: I promised him a kiss from Harry.
HARRY: Ron, you know the only boy I kiss is you.
RON: Oh look, Mom... erm, I mean, DAD sent me a gift! It’s... a dress.
HARRY: Sweet. Now we can stop using towels for dresses while playing “house.”
HERMIONE: Those are dress robes.
RON: What for?
Assembly Room
MCGONAGALL: A dance!
GIRLS: Yay!
BOYS: *moan and groan*
MCGONAGALL: Mr. Weasley, come dance with me.
RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Yay!
HARRY POTTER FANS: There’s no Ron/Minerva ship.
RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Oh, yes there is! We meet at the coffee house on Tuesdays.
Hogwarts Grounds
RON: So, how does one ask one of these girls out?
HARRY: Like so.
GROUP OF GIRLS: *glare of death*
RON: Did they say "yes"?
Some Hall in Hogwarts
HAGRID: My mum was a giant. She was lovely, but I didn’t get to know her very well.
MADAME MAXIME: Sounds like a Freudian complex.
HAGRID: ...
Lakeside
THE TRIO: *sit emo like*
KRUM: *walks by*
GROUP OF GIRLS: *boycrush*
KATE BOSWORTH: *bluecrushes on the lake’s waves*
HERMIONE: *is jealous?*
Classroom
RON: This is mad...
SNAPE: *forcefully turns Ron’s head around towards his work*
RON: We need dates.
FRED: *throws Ron a note*
RON: Aren’t you in a different year than us?
NOTE: Watch.
FRED: *uses wizard ASL to get Angelina Johnson to go to the ball with him*
RON: *tries to use this wizard ASL on Hermione*
SNAPE: *hits Ron in the head... then Harry’s just for the heck of it*
RON: Bloody hell!
SNAPE: I love my job.
The Owlery
CHO: Harry!
HARRY: Cho!
CHO: ...
HARRY: ...
CHO: Ice is slippery.
HARRY: Yes... slippery when wet.
CHO: ...
HARRY: ...
CHO: I’m going to head back...
HARRY: Chowillyoupleasegototheballwithme.
CHO: I’m already going with someone else.
OWLS: Oh, burn!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: *cuddles with golden egg*
RON: *is carried in by girls*
HARRY: What happened?
GINNY: He asked Fleur out.
HERMIONE: No!
RON: Yes!
HERMIONE: Yes?
RON: No.
HARRY: Great. Where are we ever going to find dates!?
PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry.
HARRY: Think, Harry, think.
PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry!
HARRY: Me plus Ron equals two. We need two girls…
PATIL TWINS: HI, HARRY!
HARRY: Twins? Two? Girls! I got it!
PATIL TWINS: We’d love to.
HARRY: Love to what? Where are the Wesley twins? I need to ask them to the ball.
PATIL TWINS: ...
Gryffindor Boys Dorms
RON: Bloody hell! I look horrible.
HARRY: I look hot.
RON: Your dress robes look normal! How come mine can’t look like that!?
HARRY: I know... it’s funny... your mom, erm, dad bought these for me, too.
Dancehall
RON: Looks like Hermione is not coming.
PADMA: Oh. My. Gosh. Your dress robes are...
RON: ...traditional.
PADMA: Well, I was going to say straight up ugly.
PAVARTI: She looks beautiful.
HARRY: Yes. Cho has this deep Asian beauty to her.
PAVARTI: I’m talking about her.
HARRY: *turns around to see Hermione looking... well... hawt*
CAM: *is going to hell*
KRUM: *takes Hermione’s hand*
HERMIONE: *giggles like a school girl... well, she is one... you get it*
CAM: *is still going to hell*
Yule Ball.................... yee-haw!
PADMA: Is that Hermione?
RON: No, that girl is way too hot.
THE CHAMPIONS AND THEIR DATES: *enter stage door*
PAVARTI: Take my waist, Harry.
HARRY: Uh...
GINNY: *cries*
NEVILLE: *looks like a vampire*
PADMA: *cries*
RON: *cries*
HERMIONE: *smiles*
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air*
JAMES LIPTON: Brilliant actor.
MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes another swig of plot point*
EVERYONE: *starts dancing*
THE WEIRD SISTERS: *suck*
HERMIONE: Isn’t Viktor wonderful?
RON: No.
HERMIONE: What’s got your wand in a knot?
NO ONE: *seems to pick up on that bad metaphor*
RON: He’s stupid.
HERMIONE: This coming from a person who called him more than a man.
RON: That was a phase I went through. It’s over now!
Gryffindor Boy Dorms
HARRY: *has a nightmare about Voldemort, Wormtail, and Mr. Unknown Man again*
NEVILLE: Harry!
HARRY: What?
NEVILLE: Nothing. Just that... I WAS THE MAN TONIGHT!
Some Random Hogwarts Bridge
HERMIONE: Harry, you need to figure out that golden egg.
HARRY: I know, but the sun beaming off of the horizon tells me that my soul is withering.
HERMIONE: Your emoness is getting the best of you.
CEDRIC: You know what I do in that situation?
HARRY: Cut yourself?
CEDRIC: No. I take a bath... with my egg.
Prefect Bathroom Where a Scene is Meant to be Humorous, but Just Comes Off as Really, Really Creepy
HARRY: *removes his clothes*
ALL THE GIRLS SAY: Hey babe, babe. Hey babe, babe, hey!
MYRTLE: Maybe you should put it in the water.
HARRY: I was about to put the egg in the water.
MYRTLE: Not the egg, Harry...
HARRY: Look, I’d be much more comfortable if you weren’t in here while I do this.
MYRTLE: Oh, come on. I’m like 35-years-old.
CAM: Yeah, and the reason female teachers sleep with there teenage male students.
MYRTLE: I found polyjuice potion in the toilet the other day.
HARRY: It’s not mine... honestly!
MYRTLE: Suuuuuuuure.
HARRY: *dips egg into water*
EGG: Second task. Lake. Merpeople. La la la la la.
Library
HARRY: Something about mermaids and the lake.
HERMIONE: I confused.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Granger... Weasley...
RON: I wasn’t staring at her butt!
MAD-EYE MOODY: No, Professor McGonagall would like to see you both.
RON: You think she’s caught on?
HERMIONE: Shut up.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom! Help Harry with his breathing underwaterness.
HARRY: I don’t think anything you have will help me Neville.
NEVILLE: I have gillyweed.
HARRY: I’m not going to do drugs, Neville.
Lakeside
HARRY: You got what I want?
NEVILLE: Yeah, but it’s gonna cost you.
HARRY: What do you want?
NEVILLE: I ask for it later.
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to the second task. The four champions must go to the bottom of the lake to rescue what they truly treasure.
HARRY: My broom is down there?
KRUM: My fists are down there?
FLEUR: My acting career is down there?
CEDRIC: I’M DOWN THERE!?!?
DUMBLEDORE: Go!
THE CHAMPIONS: *jump in*
HARRY: *turns into a fishy*
MER-SOMETHING: Bahhhhh!
FLEUR: I’m out.
HARRY: *approaches Ron, Hermione, Gabrielle, and Cho*
KRUM: *is a shark and takes Hermione*
CEDRIC: *has a plastic bag around his face and rescues Cho*
HARRY: *being the nice guy that he is, rescues Ron and Gabrielle*
FLEUR: Ron, I love you! Maybe one day I will marry you, or someone in your family.
RON: Ginny?
BARTY: Well done Potter.
HARRY: Thanks much.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello father... I mean... Barty.
BARTY: *confusingly walks away*
Dark Forest
HAGRID: Remember how rascally you kids were back in the first movie?
RON: I remember when my hair actually looked like a boy’s.
HARRY: Hey, there’s a dead guy here.
HAGRID: Yeah, you guys use to say that type of stuff, too.
HARRY: It looks like Mr. Crouch was conveniently killed after the last scene.
Dumbledore’s Office
DUMBLEDORE: You must cancel the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
FUDGE: No.
DUMBLEDORE: You are being a big doo-doo head.
FUDGE: You’re the doo-doo head!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Excuse me, but it may interest you to know that this name calling session is no longer private.
HARRY: *appears behind an open door*
FUDGE: Harry!
HARRY: I just got here, I swear!
DUMBLEDORE: I think it is time you should leave, Minister. Harry, help yourself to some black rocks.
HARRY: These things taste like rocks. Ooooooooo, shiny!
PENSIEVE: I eat you Harry Potter!
HARRY: *falls intothepensieve.com*
Courtroom
HARRY: Professor?
DUMBLEDORE: *sits*
MAN: Professor.
DUMBLEDORE: *shakes man’s hand through Harry’s body*
HARRY: Bad touch!
BARTY: Igor Karkaroff, you are a bad, bad man with mean feelings. What have you to say about this?
KARKAROFF: I know Death Eaters.
BARTY: Go on.
KARKAROFF: They know me.
BARTY: Mmmhmm.
KARKAROFF: ...and the green grass grows all around and around…
BARTY: On with it!
KARKAROFF: Rosier!
BARTY: Dead!
KARKAROFF: Rookwood!
BARTY: Okay!
KARKAROFF: Snape!
DUMBLEDORE: Bull crap!
KARKAROFF: I swear!
BARTY: You are wrong! Meeting adjourned!
KARKAROFF: I know one more!
BARTY: Who?
KARKAROFF: Barty Crouch!
BARTY: I’m not a Death Eater!
KARKAROFF: Junior!
THE AUDIENCE: *finds out that Barty Crouch, Jr. was the unknown man from the beginning of the movie*
BC JR.: *runs towards the middle of the room where anyone can get him*
MAD-EYE MOODY: Since I’m the only one with my wand out...
BC JR.: *is struck with a curse and is dog-piled*
BARTY: You are not my son.
BC JR.: Mom had an affair!?!?
BARTY: No, I mean like I am so disappointed in you that I disown you.
BC JR.: Oh, that makes sense.
Back in Dumbledore’s Study
HARRY: *flies outthepensieve.com.org.uk.net.mil.gov*
DUMBLEDORE: You weren’t looking at any of my... dirty thoughts?
HARRY: No, sir. What happened to Barty’s son?
DUMBLEDORE: Barty sent his son to Azkaban. End of story.
HARRY: But, I see him in my dreams...
DUMBLEDORE: END OF STORY!
HARRY: Hum.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, remember the first three movies? Your curiosity always got the best of you and you got yourself into trouble. I suggest, for this year, you just keep doing what you’re supposed to do. Focus on finishing the Quad-Wizard Tournament. There is no way anything bad can happen if you don’t meddle in things that you’re not supposed to meddle in.
HARRY: Yes, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*
HARRY: Wow, that was a big one.
School Corridor
HARRY: *whistles*
KARKAROFF: It’s a sign!
SNAPE AND KARKAROFF: *see Harry*
KARKAROFF: I must tend to my... beard.
SNAPE: I know what you did last summer, Harry.
HARRY: Pardon?
SNAPE: You stole some of my bubble tea... erm, bubble juice.
HARRY: No, I dadn’t!
SNAPE: Don’t lie, or I’ll pump you so full of Veritaserum that you’ll tell me all of your wicked fantasies!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE FANS: Do it!
HARRY: Pshhh... whatever.
Arena
DUMBLEDORE: A plot point was placed in the middle of this maze by Professor Moody. First one to reach it wins eternal sunshine!
HARRY POTTER FANS: I don’t remember Dumbledore saying that.
CAM: Exactly...
THE CHAMPIONS: *huddle around Dumbledore*
DUMBLEDORE: You won’t find any creatures in the maze.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Why not!?
DUMBLEDORE: Be wary, you might lose yourself.
CEDRIC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DUMBLEDORE: Prepare yourselves.
AMOS: Good luck, son.
CEDRIC: Dad... I’ll be fine.
DUMBLEDORE: On the count of three... ONE...
CANNON: BOOM!
WHAT FILCH HEARD: Three, three, three!
HARRY: *enters the maze as the giant shrubs close him in*
Maze
EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *begins to play*
CEDRIC: *wanders*
GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!
CEDRIC: Wahhhhhhh! Not my hair!
KRUM: *peeks around a corner; his eyes are glazed over*
FLEUR: *runs like a girl*
HARRY: *hears Fleur scream and feels that he must go investigate*
FLEUR: *passes out on the ground*
KRUM: *stands over Fleur*
MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!
FLEUR: Wahhhhhhh! Not my acting career!
HARRY: *sees Krum and hides right in the open*
KRUM: *sees Harry and ignores him*
HARRY: *runs over to Fleur and shoots up fireworks*
THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhhhh!
GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!
HARRY: Wahhhhhhh! Not my youth!
CEDRIC: Look out!
HARRY: *looks out*
CEDRIC: Expelliarmus!
KRUM: Wahhhhhhh! Not my...
THE AUDIENCE: ...fists. Yeah, we got it.
CAM: O rly? I was going to say "crooked wand".
HARRY: Don’t kill him! He’s bewitched.
CEDRIC: Sorry, I never watched that show.
HARRY: You really aren’t very intelligent, huh?
CEDRIC: You wouldn’t happen to have any hair gel on you?
HARRY: The cup!
HARRY AND CEDRIC: *run towards the cup while hitting each other*
MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!
CEDRIC: Not again! Harry!
HARRY: *stops and ponders helping Cedric or going for the cup*
CEDRIC: Help me, Harry! It’s in your character!
EMINEM: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow; this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, you better...
HARRY: Reducto!
CEDRIC: Thanks.
HARRY: Yep.
CEDRIC: So, how about those Mets?
HARRY: I prefer Chicago.
CEDRIC: White Sox or Cubs?
HARRY: White Sox.
CEDRIC: Band wagon-whore.
WIND: Whoosh!
CEDRIC: Go on, take the cup.
HARRY: No, we do it together.
EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *stops playing*
HARRY AND CEDRIC: *grab the cup/portkey at the same time and are teleported to a graveyard*
Graveyard
CEDRIC: Where are we?
HARRY: Not good.
CEDRIC: What are you talking about?
HARRY: *grabs his scar in pain*
WORMTAIL: *walks out*
CEDRIC: Who are you?
VOLDEMORT: Kill him.
WORMTAIL: Avada Kadavra!
CEDRIC: *dies*
HARRY: Noooooooooooo! His beautiful, beautiful hair!
STATUE: I’m gonna eat you!
HARRY: *gets trapped by statue*
VOLDEMORT: Do it!
WORMTAIL: *drops Voldemort into a cauldron full of murky water*
HARRY: OMGWTF!?
WORMTAIL: Now... sugar... spice... and everything nice.
CAULDRON: *turns into giant fetus*
VOLDEMORT: I’m baaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaack.
HARRY: He’s back!?
WORMTAIL: He’s back.
VOLDEMORT: Give me my wand.
WORMTAIL: *hands him what looks like a bone*
VOLDEMORT: *casts summon spell on death eaters... snazzy cut-scene ensues*
DEATH EATERS: *appear*
VOLDEMORT: I’m incredibly disappointed in all of you.
LUCIUS: Even me?
VOLDEMORT: Especially you!
WORMTAIL: Even me?
VOLDEMORT: Yes, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yes, but no, but… here’s a new hand.
WORMTAIL: Sweet cheese!
VOLDEMORT: *boycrushes on Cedric’s dead body*
HARRY: You stay away from him! He’s mine!
VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah. You. I can touch you.
HARRY: I say, that is mighty uncomfortable.
VOLDEMORT: Pick up your wand Potter, let us duel. First, we bow…
HARRY: *runs away*
VOLDEMORT: Wuss.
HARRY: No one calls me a wuss! I’ll turn this place into a BK if I have to; you can have it your way.
VOLDEMORT AND HARRY: *perform spells which meet into a wonderful display of electricity*
DEATH EATERS: Ohhhh, pretty.
CEDRIC-GHOST: *floats out*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: *floats out*
JAMES AND LILY POTTER-GHOSTS: *float out*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I still confused.
JAMES-GHOST: Harry, when we say, grab the cup and go back to Hogwarts.
HARRY: It’s not a cup, Dad. It’s a portkey.
JAMES-GHOST: Boy, I swear, don’t make me turn you upside-down right here.
CEDRIC-GHOST: Harry, do me a favor and take my awesome bod’ back with you.
LILY-GHOST: Do it now!
HARRY: Geez, love you guys, too.
THE CONNECTION: *breaks*
CEDRIC, JAMES, AND LILY-GHOSTS: *distract Voldemort*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I think I left the tea kettle on.
HARRY: *grabs Cedric and the portkey*
VOLDEMORT: [Vadar] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! [/Vadar]
Arena
HARRY: *appears with Cedric’s dead body*
THE CROWD: *cheers*
DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, Cedric is dead!
THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *continue cheering*
MADAME MAXIME: *shakes head*
THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *stop cheering*
AMOS: My son! My poor son! His hair! It’s horrible!
DUMBLEDORE: What happened?
HARRY: I am really craving Burger King.
AMOS: ...me too.
DUMBLEDORE: Mad-Eye, get Harry out of here.
Mad-Eye’s Study
MAD-EYE MOODY: So, Harry, what was he like?
HARRY: Well, I was all like, don’t kill Cedric, and he was all like, I’m going to kill Cedric. And I was like, no, don’t. And he was like, yes, I will. And then he was dead.
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...
HARRY: ...
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...that sounds just like something Lord Voldemort would say.
HARRY: Uh huh...
MAD-EYE MOODY: *starts having a seizure*
HARRY: Are you okay?
MAD-EYE MOODY: *tries to drink some plot point*
MAD-EYE’S PLOT POINT FLASK: *is empty*
MAD-EYE MOODY: How many people were there in the graveyard?
HARRY: Seven... NO... WAIT! ...eight... maybe?
MAD-EYE MOODY: You do realize that you never told me that this all occurred in a graveyard, right?
HARRY: Yeah... so?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Wait for it...
TEN MINUTES: *goes by*
HARRY: HEY! I never told you that this occurred in a graveyard!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Let me drink your blood!
HARRY: That’s not what normal wizards do.
MAD-EYE MOODY: I set everything up so that you could bring back Voldemort.
HARRY: No wai!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Ya wai!
DUMBLEDORE: O rly?
MAD-EYE-MOODY: Ya rly... wait...
DUMBLEDORE: Expelliarmus!
MAD-EYE MOODY: *flies back*
SNAPE: *give Mad-Eye some anti-plot point*
DUMBLEDORE: Say my name!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Albus... Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: Are you Mad-Eye Moody!?
MAD-EYE MOODY: What... do... you... think?
DUMBLEDORE: I think about fairies and gumdrops on cloudy afternoons. I think of eating lemon drops when the sky begins to turn gray. I think of harmonies lifting up into the air as rain falls from the sky. I think these things.
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...
SNAPE: ...
HARRY: ...
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: ...
CAM’S READERS: ...
CAM: ...
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, and I think you are not Moody. Is the real Moody in this room!?
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: Yes!
SNAPE: *opens chest*
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: *opens and opens and opens and opens and opens*
THE REAL SLIM MOODY: I’ve failed you Dumbledore.
HARRY: Wait... how can he be in there and be right there?
SNAPE: Ever messed with polyjuice potion?
HARRY: Yea... I mean, no! No... what is that...?
THE FAKE MOODY: *begins to shape shift like Matrix agents*
DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior.
BC JR.: I would have gotten away with this if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
SHAGGY: I’m hungry.
SCOOBY DOO: Ra-row.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: *laughs*
BC JR.: You know what this means, right?
HARRY: We get it. Scooby snack were drugs and…
BC JR.: NO! It means that Lord Voldemort is back.
DUMBLEDORE: Send him back to Azkaban.
The Great Hall of Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory is dead.
PAULY SHORE: *thinks that would make a great movie*
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort.
ALL OF THE GIRLS: *cry*
DUMBLEDORE: The friendships that we have made this year are very important! Remember! Remember, remember the 5th of November! Remember that!
Boys Dorms
DUMBLEDORE: *enters*
HARRY: *wonders if he needs an adult*
DUMBLEDORE: Whoever the interior decorator was for these dorms ought to be shot.
HARRY: Yes... I... that is also what I think.
DUMBLEDORE: I’m a pyro Harry.
HARRY: Ooh! Ooh! Do you know Johnny Depp!?
DUMBLEDORE: ...
HARRY: Orlando Bloom?
DUMBLEDORE: ...
HARRY: Keira Knightly, if you like that sort of thing...
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, do you know what a pyromaniac is?
HARRY: Something about chestnuts frozen at the Earth’s equator.
DUMBLEDORE: That doesn’t make any sense.
HARRY: It doesn’t have to, sir. It doesn’t have to.
DUMBLEDORE: I don’t know why I try to explain things to you at the end of these.
HARRY: Well, sir. You are a pyro.
DUMBLEDORE: Your parents are dead, Voldemort is going to make your life a living Hell, and people very close to you will die.
HARRY: *is speechless*
DUMBLEDORE: Very close to you.
HARRY: ...
DUMBLEDORE: *winks*
HARRY: You’re not going to start a fire now, are you?
Hogwarts Courtyard
KRUM: Hermione, this is for you.
HERMIONE: *takes piece of paper*
KRUM: If you fill out quick survey, you can get two free dinners at Olive Garden.
HERMIONE: I will...
GABRIELLE: *kisses Ron*
FLEUR: *kisses Ron*
RON: I... you know... all in a day’s...
FLEUR: Do you have an older brother?
RON: ...Ginny?
HARRY: *emo walks*
DURMSTRANG’S SHIP: *fires cannon*
HAGRID: Good lord! Ze Germans are attacking again!
RON: *parkours onto a ledge*
HERMIONE: Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?
HARRY: Duh!
FORREST GUMP: *isn’t sure if he’s allowed to laugh*
FIN.
Somewhere at Night
NA-CGI-GINI: *crawls up through some undergrowth as magical floating letters appear in the sky reading "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire"*
Dark Room
OLD MAN: *puts kettle on and notices someone has turned a light on in the creepy big house up on the hill*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Old man? He has a name and it’s Frank and he has an entire back-story that is really important because...
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: Oh, no he doesn’t!
OLD MAN: Bloody kids!
Creepy Big House
OLD MAN: *sneaks up to a room where three men are speaking*
WORMTAIL: Maybe if we do it the same, but different...
VOLDEMORT: NO! We will do it the way I say and that is that!
UNKNOWN MAN: I will not disappoint you, my lord.
VOLDEMORT: Good. Gather up the troops and draw fire!
NA-CGI-GINI: *slithers past the oldfrankman and whispers something in parsel-tongue to Voldemort*
VOLDEMORT: Come now, Nagini! You know I don’t speak Spanish.
NA-CGI-GINI: *re-whispers*
VOLDEMORT: I see. Apparently there is an oldfrankman standing right outside the door.
WORMTAIL: *opens the door to reveal oldfrankman standing there*
VOLDEMORT: Step aside so I can give him a proper greeting.
OLD MAN: Oh well, in that case, hello there. My name is Fra...
VOLDEMORT: OH, NO IT’S NOT! AVADA CADAVAR!
The Weasley House
HARRY: *is having a nightmare about everything above and his scar is hurting*
HERMIONE: Wake up, Harry!
HARRY: Hey... you’ve gotten... bigger.
HERMIONE: ...and you’ve gotten deeper.
HARRY: When did you get here?
HERMIONE: Just now, you?
HARRY: I... don’t... know... first, I was at my aunt and uncle’s and now I’m here...
HERMIONE: I don’t care, but I’m sure it was a funny story. Wake up Ron!
RON: But, I’m not decent! And you’re... bigger.
Somewhere in the Woods
RON: Wait! I didn’t get to say good-bye to Mom!
MR. WEASLEY: Who?
RON: Where are we going anyways?
MR. WEASLEY: Haven’t the foggiest, keep up!
HARRY: Wait... he doesn’t know where we are going?
AMOS: There you are. What took you?
MR. WEASLEY: Ginny fell in the toilet again. We had to pull her out.
CEDRIC: *falls out of the sky*
MR. WEASLEY: And this handsome, strapping young lad must be your son, Cedric?
CEDRIC: Yes, sir.
AMOS: And you must be Harry Potter!
RON: Oh, no, I’m Ronald Weas...
AMOS: *walks past Ron to Harry*
RON: Oh, yes, of course... him.
HARRY: Hello, sir.
AMOS: Pleasure.
HARRY: Yes... pleasure...?
AMOS: This way, everyone.
Up on ze Hill Lies das Boot
HARRY: Why is everyone standing around that old boot?
FRED: It’s...
GEORGE: ...not...
FRED: ...just...
GEORGE: ...a...
FRED: ...boot.
GEORGE: It’s...
FRED: ...a...
GEORGE: ...portkey.
HARRY: That’s not a key. It’s a boot!
MR. WEASLEY: Not a key, Harry. A portkey.
HARRY: That thing would never fit into a keyhole.
MR. WEASLEY: Just touch it.
EVERYONE: *touches the portkey and flies through the air*
MR. WEASLEY: Let go kids!
HERMIONE: Foo’. I know you be jokin’, right?
MR. WEASLEY: Let! Go!
HARRY: *lets go of the portkey*
HERMIONE: *lets go of the portkey*
RON: *lets go of the portkey*
AND THEY ALL: *fall down*
CEDRIC: *helps Harry up*
HARRY: *boycrushes*
Tent City
MR. WEASLEY: Welcome to the Quidditch World Cup.
MAGIC JUGGLER: *hits Hermione in the face*
WIZARDS ON BROOMS: *fly by*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Aren’t they afraid of being seen?
HARRY POTTER FANS: *perform memory charms*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Oh, look! Shiny red things!
MR. WEASLEY: Here is our tent.
EVERYONE EXCEPT HARRY: *goes into the tent*
HARRY: There is no way that we are all going to fit in that tent.
RON: Come on Harry!
HARRY: *goes into the tent to find that it is magically bigger*
MR. WEASLEY: Ginny, you can’t sleep there. That’s Harry’s bed!
GINNY: *blushes and runs away*
HARRY: I lessthanthree magic.
Stadium de la Cup de la World
RON: Geez, dad... how far up are our seats?
LUCIUS: Your seats are so high that when you spit off of them, it will take a really long time until it hits the ground.
DRACO: Good one, dad.
LUCIUS: Shut up, boy!
DRACO: *tear*
LUCIUS: *pins Harry’s foot down with his pimp cane*
HARRY: What?
LUCIUS: Do try to enjoy yourself while you still can, wink.
HARRY: Did you mean to say "wink," or actually wink?
LUCIUS: I... shut up!
On the 500th Floor of the Stadium
MR. WEASLEY: I told you these were good seats.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Please let there be Winky. Please let there be Winky.
DIRECTOR MIKE NEWELL: I don’t believe in house elves.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WIZARDING WORLD: *a house elf falls down dead*
FRED: It’s...
GEORGE: ...the...
FRED: ...Irish!
IRISH QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead while drinking beers*
GEORGE: Now...
FRED: ...the...
GEORGE: ...Bulgarians!
BULGARIAN QUIDDITCH TEAM: *flies overhead led by a cocky broom flier*
RON: Who is that?
TWINS: Krum!
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air a hundred times*
RON: *boycrushes*
MINISTER OF MAGIC: Ready. Fight!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Yes!
THE SCENE: *ends*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Nooooooooooo!
Back at the Weasley Tent
RON: Krum is the best. Krum can beat anyone. Krum is the man. Krum is better than a man.
GINNY: Think you’re in love, Ron?
RON: Gotten off Harry, have you!?
GINNY: *blushes and runs away*
FRED: Sounds...
GEORGE: ...like...
FRED: ...the...
GEORGE: ...Irish...
FRED: ...have...
GEORGE: ...got...
FRED: ...their...
GEORGE: ...pride...
FRED: ...on.
MR. WEASLEY: It’s not the Irish.
GEORGE: The British?
MR. WEASLEY: No.
FRED: Ze Germans?
MR. WEASLEY: No.
RON: Le French?
EVERYBODY EXCEPT RON: *laughs*
MR. WEASLEY: Ahem... no. We’ve got to get out of here.
RON: So, it’s not the French.
Outside where People are Running for Their Lives, Fire is Conjured out of Nowhere, and Wizards in Hooded Robes Rule the Land (not Ringwraiths)
MR. WEASLEY: Everyone back to das boot! Fred and George, Ginny is your responsibility.
GINNY: Oh, come on, Dad! Let me go with Harry!
MR. WEASLEY: Do as I say! You don’t want to have another toilet accident again, do you?
GINNY: *gulps and leaves with Fred and George*
HERMIONE: Come on Harry!
HARRY: *KO’d*
Time Passes in Tent City Where Smoke Still Rises
UNKNOWN MAN: *casts a spell which causes a bright flash and a large ghostly skull forms in the sky with a snake crawling from it*
HARRY: *awakens and sees this unknown man*
UNKNOWN MAN: *goes after Harry until he hears the sounds of other people, so he flees*
RON: We’ve been looking for you for ages.
HARRY: Is that why you have lipstick all over your face?
HERMIONE: I tripped and my lips fell on his face.
HARRY: Right. What’s that because it is making my scar hurt like something fierce.
MINISTRY OF MAGIC: *suddenly appears and casts stupefy on the trio, but they all seem to have bad aim and miss*
MR. WEASLEY: STOP! That’s my son, Fred!
RON: I’m not Fred.
MR. WEASLEY: George!
RON: I’m not George either.
MR. WEASLEY: Charlie?
RON: He’s never even been in any of the movies so far.
MR. WEASLEY: Oh, right... Percy.
RON: ...
MR. WEASLEY: ...Ginny?
BARTY: Which of you conjured it!?
HARRY: Conjured what?
HERMIONE: That is the dark mark Harry. His mark.
HARRY: Barty’s?
HERMIONE: No.
HARRY: Mr. Weasley’s?
HERMIONE: No.
HARRY: ...Ginny?
HERMIONE: ...
HARRY: Oh, right, Voldemort!
BARTY: His name doesn’t bother us anymore for some reason, but yes.
HARRY: There was a man just over there.
BARTY: This way, crew!
MR. WEASLEY: A man, Harry?
HARRY: Yeah, you know, like a woman, but with a penis.
MR. WEASLEY: I know that! Who was it?
HARRY: Oh... um... Ginny?
Hogwarts Express Carriage
LADY: Anything from the trolley?
RON: Packet of Droobles and a licorice wand.
LADY: That’ll be £4.50.
RON: On second thought, how much is your dust?
HARRY: I’ll have a...
CHO: Two pumpkin pasties, please.
HARRY: ...Cho...
CHO’S FRIENDS: *laugh*
HARRY: ...um... Cho... chocolate frog!
LADY: Nice try sonny, but I think she caught on.
HARRY: *sits back down*
HERMIONE: This is horrible. How can the Ministry not know who conjured the dark mark?
RON: Well, you see, the person probably conjured it and then ran so as to not get caught.
HERMIONE: Thanks. Harry, you should tell Sirius about your nightmare and what happened at the World Cup.
HARRY: *sends Hedwig off with a letter to Sirius*
HEDWIG: You shall never see me again.
Outside Hogwarts
THE STUDENTS: *run over to see a carriage being pulled by seven flying horses*
HAGRID: Clear the runway!
THE STUDENTS: *gather to also see a large ship emerge from under the water*
HAGRID: Clear the port!
Great Hall of Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Now that we’re all settled in and sorted...
HARRY POTTER FANS: I must have missed that part.
DUMBLEDORE: ...I’d like to make an announcement. We’re going to have to share our castle with foreigners.
STUDENTS: *groan*
FILCH: *runs like a girl*
HARRY POTTER FANS: [sarcastic] Oh, let’s add in Filch running funny, but cut out the whole house elves thing. Smart. [/sarcastic]
DUMBLEDORE: Hogwarts will be hosting a legendary event. The Tri-Wizard Tournament.
FILCH: *whispers in Dumbledore’s ear and runs away... like a girl*
DUMBLEDORE: Let me introduce our foreigners. The Beauxbatons Academy of Magic and their headmistress Madam Maxime.
GROUP OF GIRLS: *come in through the main door and conjure chirping butterflies from their armpits*
RON: Bloody hell!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Not as mesmerizing as I would have hoped.
SEAMUS: That’s a huge b*tch.
MADAME MAXIME: *tear*
DUMBLEDORE: And now, greet the proud sons of Durmstrang and the high master, Igor Karkaroff.
GROUPS OF BOYS: *come in through the main door playing with the fire sticks*
HERMIONE: Bloody hell!
RON: Blimey, it’s Viktor Krum!
KRUM: *is apparently too good for cartwheels and somersaults, so he just walks in with Karkaroff*
Meanwhile, Outside Hogwarts
A PLOT POINT: *arrives*
Back in the Great Hall
KARKAROFF: *has a staring match with Snape*
MADAME MAXIME: Dumbledore, my horses have traveled a long way. They will need attending to.
DUMBLEDORE: Not to worry. I’ll just assign our only half-giant Hagrid to care for them.
MADAME MAXIME: Monsieur Hagrid, they only drink single malt whisky like I do.
HAGRID: I... uh... yes... I will feed your whore... uh, horsies! Yes. Hot in here?
DUMBLEDORE: Everyone! Your attention please. I’d like to say a few words. Magnifying glass, cherry blossoms, truffles, atlas, North Pole... no, I take that last one back. I’m going to hang on to that one.
STUDENTS: What... the... hell?
DUMBLEDORE: A student will be chosen from each school to compete in three tasks. The three tasks are The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe.
HARRY: I call the Wardrobe.
DUMBLEDORE: Just kidding. That would be absurd and much too easy. Or, hard? I don’t know, I haven’t seen it. Either way, the ministry has decided to add in a new rule. To explain this rule, we have brought in Bartimus Crouch all the way from the Ministry of Magic and the Department of International Magical Cooperation...
STRANGE MAN: *enters the great hall from the back entrance*
THUNDER: *thunders in the great hall*
RAIN: *rains in the great hall*
STRANGE MAN: *casts a spell at the ceiling to make the bad weather stop*
RON: It’s Mad-Eye Moody.
HERMIONE: The auror?
DEAN THOMAS: Auror?
HARRY POTTER FANS: DEAN SPEAKS!
RON: An auror is a dark wizard catcher according to Webster’s. Half the cells in Azkaban are full thanks to him.
DUMBLEDORE: My dear old friend! Thanks for coming.
MAD-EYE MOODY: You should look into getting that ceiling fixed. It never broke down in the book.
DUMBLEDORE: Indeed.
MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes a swig of plot point*
SEAMUS: Wazzat hee drinken yoo ‘spose?
HARRY: I can’t understand what Seamus is saying. Stupid Irish!
BARTY: After much deliberation, the Ministry has concluded that for their own safety, no student under the age of seventeen shall be allowed to put forth their name for the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
STUDENTS: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!
DUMBLEDORE: Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiilence!
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *is revealed*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Ohhhhh, pretty.
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: It’s only a model.
DUMBLEDORE: Here’s the dilly-o. Put you name in by Thursday. Once done, there is no turning back. From this moment on, the Tri-Wizard Tournament has begun!
STUDENTS: *waits for something to happen*
DUMBLEDORE: ...everyone to bed.
At the Great Hall while Everyone is Asleep
KARKAROFF: Now, to confuse the audience...
DADA Classroom
MAD-EYE MOODY: The name is Mad-Eye, you see. Dumbledore wanted me here. There are three unforgivable curses, you see. Put that gum somewhere else, Irish boy. Weasley, first curse please.
RON: The...
MAD-EYE MOODY: That’s right. The imperious curse. Goes like this, you see.
SPIDER: *gets lifted and controlled by Mad-Eye*
MAD-EYE MOODY: It’s fun to torture spiders, you see. Do you like spider, Mr. Malfoy?
DRACO: My beautiful hair!
MAD-EYE MOODY: You get the point; I can make it do whatever I want. Mr. Longbottom, next curse plzkthx.
NEVILLE: C...
MAD-EYE MOODY: Cruciatus curse. Yes, correct, you see. Also known as the torture curse. Observe!
SPIDER: *cries*
NEVILLE: *cries*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Poor Neville!
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: That curse sounds like seafood.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Miss Granger, last curse.
HERMIONE: ...
MAD-EYE MOODY: Avada Kadavra!
SPIDER: *dies and its guts squirt all over Hermione*
RON: Best. Lesson. Ever.
Spiral Stairs
HERMIONE: Are you okay, Neville?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom, I need to show you a plot point.
NEVILLE: *leaves with Moody*
Goblet Room
CEDRIC: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*
RON: *boycrushes*
GEORGE: We...
FRED: ...are...
GEORGE: ...going...
FRED: ...to...
GEORGE: ...enter...
FRED: ...our...
GEORGE: ...names.
HERMIONE: It’s not going to work.
ALL OF THE 13-YEAR-OLD BOYS: OMG, she’s looking right at me.
THE TWINS: *drink a potion and submit their names*
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: You’re fired!
DONALD TRUMP: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.
THE TWINS: *fly back and turn into old men*
THE NEW DUMBLEDORE: *does have a sense of humor after all*
KRUM: *puts his name in the Goblet of Fire*
HERMIONE: *boycrushes*
RON: *boycrushes*
The Goblet Room on Thursday Night
DUMBLEDORE: And now, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! The champion selection!
EVERYONE: *cheers*
DUMBLEDORE: Krum!
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air some more*
DUMBLEDORE: Fleur!
FLEUR: *fixes her hair*
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric!
CEDRIC: *blinds everyone with his smile*
ALL OF THE BOYS AT HOGWARTS: *boycrush*
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: He’s only a model.
DUMBLEDORE: We have our three champions! Join us next week for another exciting episode. Same bat time, same robin channel.
THE GOBLET OF FIRE: *never spits out Harry’s name and he actually has a peaceful year at Hogwarts where he watches the Tri-Wizard Tournament and Voldemort does not use him to come back...*
THE AUDIENCE: I paid ten bucks for that!?
DUMBLEDORE: *catches another name*
SNAPE: I confused.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter.
HAGRID: No.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry Potter? Do we have a Harry Potter in this school?
HARRY: I hope not.
DUMBLEDORE: HARRY POTTER!
HERMIONE: You better go up there before he dies, too.
RICHARD HARRIS: Low blow, Cam. Low blow.
CAM: Oh, yeah? Well, writing these things isn’t actually easy. You try and think of a better joke.
RICHARD HARRIS: You could always add in farting. That is always funny.
CAM: Good point.
HERMIONE: *farts*
RON: Bloody hell!
HERMIONE: Sorry, I had a bean flavored Every Flavor Bean earlier today.
Random Area Behind the Goblet Room with Shiny Spinning Stuff
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire!?
HARRY: No, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: *slaps Harry across the face*
HARRY: *cries*
DUMBLEDORE: Don’t lie to me boy!
HARRY: I’m not lying!
MADAME MAXIME: He’s lying!
MAD-EYE MOODY: You have to be a pretty good wizard to have hoodwinked that, you see.
DUMBLEDORE: Nevertheless, I leave this to you, Barty.
BARTY: He is a Tri... erm... Quad-Wizard Champion.
Dumbledore’s Office
MCGONAGALL: Something is not right here.
DUMBLEDORE: What do you think we should do?
MCGONAGALL: Don’t let Potter compete.
DUMBLEDORE: That would be too easy and there wouldn’t be much of a story.
SNAPE: We should let him compete so we can find out what is going on.
DUMBLEDORE: Good idea, Severus. I trust you completely.
CAM: Me too.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Hisssssssss.
DUMBLEDORE: Keep an eye on him Mad-Eye.
MAD-EYE MOODY: I’ll keep my best one on him.
DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*
Gryffindor Boy’s Dormitories
RON: How’d you do it?
HARRY: *emotear*
RON: Nevermind. I hate you.
HARRY: I hate myself.
RON: Good!
HARRY: Fine!
RON: Piss off!
PISS OFF: *is the real reason this movie got a PG-13 rating*
Another Random Room in Hogwarts
RITA: I’m Rita Skeeter and I write for the Daily Prophet.
DAVE CHAPELLE: Skeet, skeet, skeet!
RITA: I need to interview all of you. Let’s start with the main character, shall we?
CEDRIC: *starts going with her*
RITA: Nice try, pretty boy, but I meant him.
HARRY: *follows Rita into a broom closet*
RITA: *rubs suggestively past Harry*
HARRY: *is reminded of cub scouts*
RITA: How old are you?
HARRY: Fourteen.
RITA: Twelve!? Great. And how do you feel about your parents dying?
HARRY: I don’t see how that applies to...
RITA: Really sad!? Good. And who does your wand?
HARRY: Well, I bought it at...
RITA: You stole it!? Tsk, tsk.
The Owl Tower of Poop
HARRY: Why is the Owlery, like, four miles away from school?
SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *lands with a letter*
HARRY: You’re not Hedwig, but I assume this letter is for me.
LETTER: Dear Harry, We need to talk face to molten lava face. Meet me in the Gryffindor common room on Saturday night at one o’clock eastern time, two central. Love, Sirius. P.S. Careful, the bird poops.
SOME OWL (NOT HEDWIG): *poops*
RICHARD HARRIS: Alas, another good joke!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: Sirius?
SIRIUS: *appears in the fireplace looking like the Thing from Fantastic Four*
HARRY: Worst Marvel movie ever!
SIRIUS: I don’t have much time, Harry. Did you put your name in the Goblet of Fire?
HARRY: No. How did you even know about that?
SIRIUS: I read Rita Skeeter’s article in the Daily Prophet. Harry, you are so emo. Now, tell me about this nightmare.
HARRY: Well, Voldemort and Wormtail are there, and then there is a third man.
SIRIUS: Who?
HARRY: If I knew, it wouldn’t be much of a movie, now would it?
SIRIUS: Yes, well, Hogwarts is obviously not safe anymore. Did you know that Karkaroff was a Death Eater?
HARRY: That guy? He barely speaks any English.
SIRIUS: Also, Barty Crouch is bad.
HARRY: Who here isn’t bad?
SIRIUS: Good point. Be careful in the tournament, Harry.
GARY OLDMAN: *collects his pay check and leaves… his job is done*
HARRY: That was a waste of time.
RON: Who are you talking to?
HARRY: Your mom!
RON: Impossible. She’s not even in this one.
NON-HARRY POTTER FANS: Okay, we get it. The book is better.
Lake
NEVILLE: Harry, look at these awesome plot points!
HARRY: Not right now, Neville.
HERMIONE: Harry, Ron wanted me to tell you that Seamus told him that Snape told him that Dumbledore told him that Charlie told him that Neville told him that Angelina told her that Colin told him that Jimmy told him that Andrew told him that Cho told her that Roger told him that Susan told her that Rose told her that Bole told him that Malcom told him that Harper told him that Poliakoff told him that Hagrid is looking for you.
HARRY: You’re going to have to repeat that.
HERMIONE: This is stupid. You two are acting like girls.
RON: Girls?
HERMIONE: Yeah, you know, like a boy, but with a vagina.
HARRY: Oh, I think I have one of those!
HERMIONE, RON, AND GINNY: *stare at Harry for 5.2 seconds*
Forest
HARRY: What did you want from me, Hagrid?
HAGRID: Check this out...
DRAGON: ROAR!
HARRY: *wets himself*
Hogwarts Grounds
BADGE: Potter stinks!
HARRY: *puts on deodorant*
CEDRIC: Those weren’t my idea.
HARRY: I don’t care. Look, because I have a crush on you and all, I’m going to tell you that the first task is dragons.
CEDRIC: Cool! Do we ride the dragons!?!?
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: Do we play football with the dragons!?
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: OH! Do we cook with the dragons!?
HARRY: We’re going to fight them.
CEDRIC: ...
HARRY: ...
CEDRIC: ...and then we’re going to play football with them, right?
RON AND SEAMUS: *enter stage right*
HARRY: You suck, Ron!
RON: Okay.
DRACO: Hey, Potter! I bet you’re going to go down like a sack of cranberries in this tournament!
HARRY: I don’t understand the analogy.
DRACO: Well... you see... cranberries... sack...
HARRY/DRACO SHIPPERS: Awww... Draco stumbles his words around Harry. Cute!
HARRY: You are a pathetic.
DRACO: *takes out his wand*
CAM: Calm down, H/D shippers. A real wand.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Ferret!
HARRY POTTER FANS: Bounce him against the ceiling!
MAD-EYE MOODY: *puts ferretDraco in Goyle’s pants*
HARRY POTTER FANS: Now that is a pleasant surprise.
MCGONAGALL: Professor Moody, is that a student?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Maybe...
MCGONAGALL: *turns Draco back into human*
DRACO: *runs away crying*
Mad-Eye’s Study
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: RABBLE, RABBLE, RABBLE!
HARRY: What’s in the chest?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Oh, nothing. Just a plot point. So, what are you going to do about the dragon?
HARRY: Um...
MAD-EYE MOODY: What are you good at?
HARRY: I made a really good piece of macaroni art back in second year.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Here’s a hint Harry: broom.
HARRY: Oh, I know! My broom!
Task 1 Waiting Tent
HERMIONE: Harry, be careful out there.
HARRY: Okay.
HERMIONE: *leaphug*
HARRY/HERMIONE SHIPPERS: I’m SO making that my desktop background.
DUMBLEDORE: Alright, everyone gather around so you can pick your dragon. What are you doing here Miss Granger?
HERMIONE: I was... um... I’m out.
FLEUR: *picks the Welch’s Grape Juice Dragon*
KRUM: *picks the Chinese Rice Dragon*
CEDRIC: *picks the Swedish Meatballs Dragon*
HARRY: Crap, that leaves the...
BARTY: ...the Hungarian Horntail.
HARRY: Can I have some rice instead?
BARTY: Each dragon is protecting a golden egg. You must capture that egg so that you can perform the next task. Any questions?
KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me.
BARTY: That’s not a question.
KRUM: My Chinese Rice is breathing fire at me?
BARTY: No.
The Other Contestants Perform but We Only Get to See Harry
HARRY: This sucks.
DUMBLEDORE: And now, our fourth and final contestant.
HARRY: *walks out into stadium*
DRAGON: Fire!
HARRY: Argh!
DRAGON: Now, if I roll above a 10, I take all of your gold.
HARRY: Okay, but if you roll under a 10, I get my broom.
DRAGON: *rolls dice*
DICE: 8.
HARRY: Yes! Fly away!
DRAGON: Oh no you don’t!
HARRY: *flies to Hogwarts*
DRAGON: *follows and destroys some towers*
HARRY: *flies to some bridge*
DRAGON: *runs into some bridge and dies*
PETA: That dragon deserved to live a free life!
PENN: Shut up you terrorists!
TELLER: ...
PETA: That’s it, we’re suing!
HARRY: Um... hello... I won.
THE AUDIENCE: Yay!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: Should I open this egg?
STUDENTS: Yes!
HARRY: *opens egg*
EGG: VuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!
STUDENTS: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
HARRY: *closes egg*
RON: Bloody hell!
HARRY: Talking to me now, are you?
RON: I believe you didn’t put your name in.
HARRY AND RON: *kiss and make up*
HARRY/RON SHIPPERS: *kiss and make up*
J.K. ROWLING: You all are weird.
Lunch at the Great Hall
NIGEL: Parcel for you Mr. Weasley.
RON: Thanks.
NIGEL: *stares at Harry*
HARRY: *pretends not to notice*
RON: Not now. Go away.
HERMIONE: What was that about?
RON: I promised him a kiss from Harry.
HARRY: Ron, you know the only boy I kiss is you.
RON: Oh look, Mom... erm, I mean, DAD sent me a gift! It’s... a dress.
HARRY: Sweet. Now we can stop using towels for dresses while playing “house.”
HERMIONE: Those are dress robes.
RON: What for?
Assembly Room
MCGONAGALL: A dance!
GIRLS: Yay!
BOYS: *moan and groan*
MCGONAGALL: Mr. Weasley, come dance with me.
RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Yay!
HARRY POTTER FANS: There’s no Ron/Minerva ship.
RON/MINERVA SHIPPERS: Oh, yes there is! We meet at the coffee house on Tuesdays.
Hogwarts Grounds
RON: So, how does one ask one of these girls out?
HARRY: Like so.
GROUP OF GIRLS: *glare of death*
RON: Did they say "yes"?
Some Hall in Hogwarts
HAGRID: My mum was a giant. She was lovely, but I didn’t get to know her very well.
MADAME MAXIME: Sounds like a Freudian complex.
HAGRID: ...
Lakeside
THE TRIO: *sit emo like*
KRUM: *walks by*
GROUP OF GIRLS: *boycrush*
KATE BOSWORTH: *bluecrushes on the lake’s waves*
HERMIONE: *is jealous?*
Classroom
RON: This is mad...
SNAPE: *forcefully turns Ron’s head around towards his work*
RON: We need dates.
FRED: *throws Ron a note*
RON: Aren’t you in a different year than us?
NOTE: Watch.
FRED: *uses wizard ASL to get Angelina Johnson to go to the ball with him*
RON: *tries to use this wizard ASL on Hermione*
SNAPE: *hits Ron in the head... then Harry’s just for the heck of it*
RON: Bloody hell!
SNAPE: I love my job.
The Owlery
CHO: Harry!
HARRY: Cho!
CHO: ...
HARRY: ...
CHO: Ice is slippery.
HARRY: Yes... slippery when wet.
CHO: ...
HARRY: ...
CHO: I’m going to head back...
HARRY: Chowillyoupleasegototheballwithme.
CHO: I’m already going with someone else.
OWLS: Oh, burn!
Gryffindor Common Room
HARRY: *cuddles with golden egg*
RON: *is carried in by girls*
HARRY: What happened?
GINNY: He asked Fleur out.
HERMIONE: No!
RON: Yes!
HERMIONE: Yes?
RON: No.
HARRY: Great. Where are we ever going to find dates!?
PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry.
HARRY: Think, Harry, think.
PATIL TWINS: Hi, Harry!
HARRY: Me plus Ron equals two. We need two girls…
PATIL TWINS: HI, HARRY!
HARRY: Twins? Two? Girls! I got it!
PATIL TWINS: We’d love to.
HARRY: Love to what? Where are the Wesley twins? I need to ask them to the ball.
PATIL TWINS: ...
Gryffindor Boys Dorms
RON: Bloody hell! I look horrible.
HARRY: I look hot.
RON: Your dress robes look normal! How come mine can’t look like that!?
HARRY: I know... it’s funny... your mom, erm, dad bought these for me, too.
Dancehall
RON: Looks like Hermione is not coming.
PADMA: Oh. My. Gosh. Your dress robes are...
RON: ...traditional.
PADMA: Well, I was going to say straight up ugly.
PAVARTI: She looks beautiful.
HARRY: Yes. Cho has this deep Asian beauty to her.
PAVARTI: I’m talking about her.
HARRY: *turns around to see Hermione looking... well... hawt*
CAM: *is going to hell*
KRUM: *takes Hermione’s hand*
HERMIONE: *giggles like a school girl... well, she is one... you get it*
CAM: *is still going to hell*
Yule Ball.................... yee-haw!
PADMA: Is that Hermione?
RON: No, that girl is way too hot.
THE CHAMPIONS AND THEIR DATES: *enter stage door*
PAVARTI: Take my waist, Harry.
HARRY: Uh...
GINNY: *cries*
NEVILLE: *looks like a vampire*
PADMA: *cries*
RON: *cries*
HERMIONE: *smiles*
KRUM: *pumps fist in the air*
JAMES LIPTON: Brilliant actor.
MAD-EYE MOODY: *takes another swig of plot point*
EVERYONE: *starts dancing*
THE WEIRD SISTERS: *suck*
HERMIONE: Isn’t Viktor wonderful?
RON: No.
HERMIONE: What’s got your wand in a knot?
NO ONE: *seems to pick up on that bad metaphor*
RON: He’s stupid.
HERMIONE: This coming from a person who called him more than a man.
RON: That was a phase I went through. It’s over now!
Gryffindor Boy Dorms
HARRY: *has a nightmare about Voldemort, Wormtail, and Mr. Unknown Man again*
NEVILLE: Harry!
HARRY: What?
NEVILLE: Nothing. Just that... I WAS THE MAN TONIGHT!
Some Random Hogwarts Bridge
HERMIONE: Harry, you need to figure out that golden egg.
HARRY: I know, but the sun beaming off of the horizon tells me that my soul is withering.
HERMIONE: Your emoness is getting the best of you.
CEDRIC: You know what I do in that situation?
HARRY: Cut yourself?
CEDRIC: No. I take a bath... with my egg.
Prefect Bathroom Where a Scene is Meant to be Humorous, but Just Comes Off as Really, Really Creepy
HARRY: *removes his clothes*
ALL THE GIRLS SAY: Hey babe, babe. Hey babe, babe, hey!
MYRTLE: Maybe you should put it in the water.
HARRY: I was about to put the egg in the water.
MYRTLE: Not the egg, Harry...
HARRY: Look, I’d be much more comfortable if you weren’t in here while I do this.
MYRTLE: Oh, come on. I’m like 35-years-old.
CAM: Yeah, and the reason female teachers sleep with there teenage male students.
MYRTLE: I found polyjuice potion in the toilet the other day.
HARRY: It’s not mine... honestly!
MYRTLE: Suuuuuuuure.
HARRY: *dips egg into water*
EGG: Second task. Lake. Merpeople. La la la la la.
Library
HARRY: Something about mermaids and the lake.
HERMIONE: I confused.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Granger... Weasley...
RON: I wasn’t staring at her butt!
MAD-EYE MOODY: No, Professor McGonagall would like to see you both.
RON: You think she’s caught on?
HERMIONE: Shut up.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Longbottom! Help Harry with his breathing underwaterness.
HARRY: I don’t think anything you have will help me Neville.
NEVILLE: I have gillyweed.
HARRY: I’m not going to do drugs, Neville.
Lakeside
HARRY: You got what I want?
NEVILLE: Yeah, but it’s gonna cost you.
HARRY: What do you want?
NEVILLE: I ask for it later.
DUMBLEDORE: Welcome to the second task. The four champions must go to the bottom of the lake to rescue what they truly treasure.
HARRY: My broom is down there?
KRUM: My fists are down there?
FLEUR: My acting career is down there?
CEDRIC: I’M DOWN THERE!?!?
DUMBLEDORE: Go!
THE CHAMPIONS: *jump in*
HARRY: *turns into a fishy*
MER-SOMETHING: Bahhhhh!
FLEUR: I’m out.
HARRY: *approaches Ron, Hermione, Gabrielle, and Cho*
KRUM: *is a shark and takes Hermione*
CEDRIC: *has a plastic bag around his face and rescues Cho*
HARRY: *being the nice guy that he is, rescues Ron and Gabrielle*
FLEUR: Ron, I love you! Maybe one day I will marry you, or someone in your family.
RON: Ginny?
BARTY: Well done Potter.
HARRY: Thanks much.
MAD-EYE MOODY: Hello father... I mean... Barty.
BARTY: *confusingly walks away*
Dark Forest
HAGRID: Remember how rascally you kids were back in the first movie?
RON: I remember when my hair actually looked like a boy’s.
HARRY: Hey, there’s a dead guy here.
HAGRID: Yeah, you guys use to say that type of stuff, too.
HARRY: It looks like Mr. Crouch was conveniently killed after the last scene.
Dumbledore’s Office
DUMBLEDORE: You must cancel the Tri-Wizard Tournament.
FUDGE: No.
DUMBLEDORE: You are being a big doo-doo head.
FUDGE: You’re the doo-doo head!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Excuse me, but it may interest you to know that this name calling session is no longer private.
HARRY: *appears behind an open door*
FUDGE: Harry!
HARRY: I just got here, I swear!
DUMBLEDORE: I think it is time you should leave, Minister. Harry, help yourself to some black rocks.
HARRY: These things taste like rocks. Ooooooooo, shiny!
PENSIEVE: I eat you Harry Potter!
HARRY: *falls intothepensieve.com*
Courtroom
HARRY: Professor?
DUMBLEDORE: *sits*
MAN: Professor.
DUMBLEDORE: *shakes man’s hand through Harry’s body*
HARRY: Bad touch!
BARTY: Igor Karkaroff, you are a bad, bad man with mean feelings. What have you to say about this?
KARKAROFF: I know Death Eaters.
BARTY: Go on.
KARKAROFF: They know me.
BARTY: Mmmhmm.
KARKAROFF: ...and the green grass grows all around and around…
BARTY: On with it!
KARKAROFF: Rosier!
BARTY: Dead!
KARKAROFF: Rookwood!
BARTY: Okay!
KARKAROFF: Snape!
DUMBLEDORE: Bull crap!
KARKAROFF: I swear!
BARTY: You are wrong! Meeting adjourned!
KARKAROFF: I know one more!
BARTY: Who?
KARKAROFF: Barty Crouch!
BARTY: I’m not a Death Eater!
KARKAROFF: Junior!
THE AUDIENCE: *finds out that Barty Crouch, Jr. was the unknown man from the beginning of the movie*
BC JR.: *runs towards the middle of the room where anyone can get him*
MAD-EYE MOODY: Since I’m the only one with my wand out...
BC JR.: *is struck with a curse and is dog-piled*
BARTY: You are not my son.
BC JR.: Mom had an affair!?!?
BARTY: No, I mean like I am so disappointed in you that I disown you.
BC JR.: Oh, that makes sense.
Back in Dumbledore’s Study
HARRY: *flies outthepensieve.com.org.uk.net.mil.gov*
DUMBLEDORE: You weren’t looking at any of my... dirty thoughts?
HARRY: No, sir. What happened to Barty’s son?
DUMBLEDORE: Barty sent his son to Azkaban. End of story.
HARRY: But, I see him in my dreams...
DUMBLEDORE: END OF STORY!
HARRY: Hum.
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, remember the first three movies? Your curiosity always got the best of you and you got yourself into trouble. I suggest, for this year, you just keep doing what you’re supposed to do. Focus on finishing the Quad-Wizard Tournament. There is no way anything bad can happen if you don’t meddle in things that you’re not supposed to meddle in.
HARRY: Yes, sir.
DUMBLEDORE: *picks mind booger and places it in pensieve*
HARRY: Wow, that was a big one.
School Corridor
HARRY: *whistles*
KARKAROFF: It’s a sign!
SNAPE AND KARKAROFF: *see Harry*
KARKAROFF: I must tend to my... beard.
SNAPE: I know what you did last summer, Harry.
HARRY: Pardon?
SNAPE: You stole some of my bubble tea... erm, bubble juice.
HARRY: No, I dadn’t!
SNAPE: Don’t lie, or I’ll pump you so full of Veritaserum that you’ll tell me all of your wicked fantasies!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE FANS: Do it!
HARRY: Pshhh... whatever.
Arena
DUMBLEDORE: A plot point was placed in the middle of this maze by Professor Moody. First one to reach it wins eternal sunshine!
HARRY POTTER FANS: I don’t remember Dumbledore saying that.
CAM: Exactly...
THE CHAMPIONS: *huddle around Dumbledore*
DUMBLEDORE: You won’t find any creatures in the maze.
HARRY POTTER FANS: Why not!?
DUMBLEDORE: Be wary, you might lose yourself.
CEDRIC: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
DUMBLEDORE: Prepare yourselves.
AMOS: Good luck, son.
CEDRIC: Dad... I’ll be fine.
DUMBLEDORE: On the count of three... ONE...
CANNON: BOOM!
WHAT FILCH HEARD: Three, three, three!
HARRY: *enters the maze as the giant shrubs close him in*
Maze
EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *begins to play*
CEDRIC: *wanders*
GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!
CEDRIC: Wahhhhhhh! Not my hair!
KRUM: *peeks around a corner; his eyes are glazed over*
FLEUR: *runs like a girl*
HARRY: *hears Fleur scream and feels that he must go investigate*
FLEUR: *passes out on the ground*
KRUM: *stands over Fleur*
MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!
FLEUR: Wahhhhhhh! Not my acting career!
HARRY: *sees Krum and hides right in the open*
KRUM: *sees Harry and ignores him*
HARRY: *runs over to Fleur and shoots up fireworks*
THE AUDIENCE: Oooooooo! Ahhhhhhhh!
GIANT SHRUBS: I’m gonna eat you!
HARRY: Wahhhhhhh! Not my youth!
CEDRIC: Look out!
HARRY: *looks out*
CEDRIC: Expelliarmus!
KRUM: Wahhhhhhh! Not my...
THE AUDIENCE: ...fists. Yeah, we got it.
CAM: O rly? I was going to say "crooked wand".
HARRY: Don’t kill him! He’s bewitched.
CEDRIC: Sorry, I never watched that show.
HARRY: You really aren’t very intelligent, huh?
CEDRIC: You wouldn’t happen to have any hair gel on you?
HARRY: The cup!
HARRY AND CEDRIC: *run towards the cup while hitting each other*
MAZE ROOTS: I’m gonna eat you!
CEDRIC: Not again! Harry!
HARRY: *stops and ponders helping Cedric or going for the cup*
CEDRIC: Help me, Harry! It’s in your character!
EMINEM: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow; this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, you better...
HARRY: Reducto!
CEDRIC: Thanks.
HARRY: Yep.
CEDRIC: So, how about those Mets?
HARRY: I prefer Chicago.
CEDRIC: White Sox or Cubs?
HARRY: White Sox.
CEDRIC: Band wagon-whore.
WIND: Whoosh!
CEDRIC: Go on, take the cup.
HARRY: No, we do it together.
EMINEM’S LOSE YOURSELF: *stops playing*
HARRY AND CEDRIC: *grab the cup/portkey at the same time and are teleported to a graveyard*
Graveyard
CEDRIC: Where are we?
HARRY: Not good.
CEDRIC: What are you talking about?
HARRY: *grabs his scar in pain*
WORMTAIL: *walks out*
CEDRIC: Who are you?
VOLDEMORT: Kill him.
WORMTAIL: Avada Kadavra!
CEDRIC: *dies*
HARRY: Noooooooooooo! His beautiful, beautiful hair!
STATUE: I’m gonna eat you!
HARRY: *gets trapped by statue*
VOLDEMORT: Do it!
WORMTAIL: *drops Voldemort into a cauldron full of murky water*
HARRY: OMGWTF!?
WORMTAIL: Now... sugar... spice... and everything nice.
CAULDRON: *turns into giant fetus*
VOLDEMORT: I’m baaaaaaaa-aaaaaaaaaack.
HARRY: He’s back!?
WORMTAIL: He’s back.
VOLDEMORT: Give me my wand.
WORMTAIL: *hands him what looks like a bone*
VOLDEMORT: *casts summon spell on death eaters... snazzy cut-scene ensues*
DEATH EATERS: *appear*
VOLDEMORT: I’m incredibly disappointed in all of you.
LUCIUS: Even me?
VOLDEMORT: Especially you!
WORMTAIL: Even me?
VOLDEMORT: Yes, but no, but yeah, but no, but yeah, but no, but yes, but no, but… here’s a new hand.
WORMTAIL: Sweet cheese!
VOLDEMORT: *boycrushes on Cedric’s dead body*
HARRY: You stay away from him! He’s mine!
VOLDEMORT: Oh, yeah. You. I can touch you.
HARRY: I say, that is mighty uncomfortable.
VOLDEMORT: Pick up your wand Potter, let us duel. First, we bow…
HARRY: *runs away*
VOLDEMORT: Wuss.
HARRY: No one calls me a wuss! I’ll turn this place into a BK if I have to; you can have it your way.
VOLDEMORT AND HARRY: *perform spells which meet into a wonderful display of electricity*
DEATH EATERS: Ohhhh, pretty.
CEDRIC-GHOST: *floats out*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: *floats out*
JAMES AND LILY POTTER-GHOSTS: *float out*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I still confused.
JAMES-GHOST: Harry, when we say, grab the cup and go back to Hogwarts.
HARRY: It’s not a cup, Dad. It’s a portkey.
JAMES-GHOST: Boy, I swear, don’t make me turn you upside-down right here.
CEDRIC-GHOST: Harry, do me a favor and take my awesome bod’ back with you.
LILY-GHOST: Do it now!
HARRY: Geez, love you guys, too.
THE CONNECTION: *breaks*
CEDRIC, JAMES, AND LILY-GHOSTS: *distract Voldemort*
OLDFRANKMAN-GHOST: I think I left the tea kettle on.
HARRY: *grabs Cedric and the portkey*
VOLDEMORT: [Vadar] Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! [/Vadar]
Arena
HARRY: *appears with Cedric’s dead body*
THE CROWD: *cheers*
DUMBLEDORE: Oh no, Cedric is dead!
THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *continue cheering*
MADAME MAXIME: *shakes head*
THE BEAUXBATON GIRLS: *stop cheering*
AMOS: My son! My poor son! His hair! It’s horrible!
DUMBLEDORE: What happened?
HARRY: I am really craving Burger King.
AMOS: ...me too.
DUMBLEDORE: Mad-Eye, get Harry out of here.
Mad-Eye’s Study
MAD-EYE MOODY: So, Harry, what was he like?
HARRY: Well, I was all like, don’t kill Cedric, and he was all like, I’m going to kill Cedric. And I was like, no, don’t. And he was like, yes, I will. And then he was dead.
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...
HARRY: ...
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...that sounds just like something Lord Voldemort would say.
HARRY: Uh huh...
MAD-EYE MOODY: *starts having a seizure*
HARRY: Are you okay?
MAD-EYE MOODY: *tries to drink some plot point*
MAD-EYE’S PLOT POINT FLASK: *is empty*
MAD-EYE MOODY: How many people were there in the graveyard?
HARRY: Seven... NO... WAIT! ...eight... maybe?
MAD-EYE MOODY: You do realize that you never told me that this all occurred in a graveyard, right?
HARRY: Yeah... so?
MAD-EYE MOODY: Wait for it...
TEN MINUTES: *goes by*
HARRY: HEY! I never told you that this occurred in a graveyard!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Let me drink your blood!
HARRY: That’s not what normal wizards do.
MAD-EYE MOODY: I set everything up so that you could bring back Voldemort.
HARRY: No wai!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Ya wai!
DUMBLEDORE: O rly?
MAD-EYE-MOODY: Ya rly... wait...
DUMBLEDORE: Expelliarmus!
MAD-EYE MOODY: *flies back*
SNAPE: *give Mad-Eye some anti-plot point*
DUMBLEDORE: Say my name!
MAD-EYE MOODY: Albus... Dumbledore.
DUMBLEDORE: Are you Mad-Eye Moody!?
MAD-EYE MOODY: What... do... you... think?
DUMBLEDORE: I think about fairies and gumdrops on cloudy afternoons. I think of eating lemon drops when the sky begins to turn gray. I think of harmonies lifting up into the air as rain falls from the sky. I think these things.
MAD-EYE MOODY: ...
SNAPE: ...
HARRY: ...
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: ...
CAM’S READERS: ...
CAM: ...
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, and I think you are not Moody. Is the real Moody in this room!?
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: Yes!
SNAPE: *opens chest*
MYSTERIOUS CHEST: *opens and opens and opens and opens and opens*
THE REAL SLIM MOODY: I’ve failed you Dumbledore.
HARRY: Wait... how can he be in there and be right there?
SNAPE: Ever messed with polyjuice potion?
HARRY: Yea... I mean, no! No... what is that...?
THE FAKE MOODY: *begins to shape shift like Matrix agents*
DUMBLEDORE: Barty Crouch, Junior.
BC JR.: I would have gotten away with this if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
SHAGGY: I’m hungry.
SCOOBY DOO: Ra-row.
STUDIO AUDIENCE: *laughs*
BC JR.: You know what this means, right?
HARRY: We get it. Scooby snack were drugs and…
BC JR.: NO! It means that Lord Voldemort is back.
DUMBLEDORE: Send him back to Azkaban.
The Great Hall of Hogwarts
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory is dead.
PAULY SHORE: *thinks that would make a great movie*
DUMBLEDORE: Cedric Diggory was murdered by Lord Voldemort.
ALL OF THE GIRLS: *cry*
DUMBLEDORE: The friendships that we have made this year are very important! Remember! Remember, remember the 5th of November! Remember that!
Boys Dorms
DUMBLEDORE: *enters*
HARRY: *wonders if he needs an adult*
DUMBLEDORE: Whoever the interior decorator was for these dorms ought to be shot.
HARRY: Yes... I... that is also what I think.
DUMBLEDORE: I’m a pyro Harry.
HARRY: Ooh! Ooh! Do you know Johnny Depp!?
DUMBLEDORE: ...
HARRY: Orlando Bloom?
DUMBLEDORE: ...
HARRY: Keira Knightly, if you like that sort of thing...
DUMBLEDORE: Harry, do you know what a pyromaniac is?
HARRY: Something about chestnuts frozen at the Earth’s equator.
DUMBLEDORE: That doesn’t make any sense.
HARRY: It doesn’t have to, sir. It doesn’t have to.
DUMBLEDORE: I don’t know why I try to explain things to you at the end of these.
HARRY: Well, sir. You are a pyro.
DUMBLEDORE: Your parents are dead, Voldemort is going to make your life a living Hell, and people very close to you will die.
HARRY: *is speechless*
DUMBLEDORE: Very close to you.
HARRY: ...
DUMBLEDORE: *winks*
HARRY: You’re not going to start a fire now, are you?
Hogwarts Courtyard
KRUM: Hermione, this is for you.
HERMIONE: *takes piece of paper*
KRUM: If you fill out quick survey, you can get two free dinners at Olive Garden.
HERMIONE: I will...
GABRIELLE: *kisses Ron*
FLEUR: *kisses Ron*
RON: I... you know... all in a day’s...
FLEUR: Do you have an older brother?
RON: ...Ginny?
HARRY: *emo walks*
DURMSTRANG’S SHIP: *fires cannon*
HAGRID: Good lord! Ze Germans are attacking again!
RON: *parkours onto a ledge*
HERMIONE: Everything is going to change now, isn’t it?
HARRY: Duh!
FORREST GUMP: *isn’t sure if he’s allowed to laugh*
FIN.
Friday, August 04, 2006
Bloody Hell, Harry?
CAM: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in D/S next week. That is, as long as the movers didn't lose my computer.
EDIT 8/15/06: I can't talk.
CAM: HP and the GoF D/S sometime this week.
EDIT 8/15/06: I can't talk.
CAM: HP and the GoF D/S sometime this week.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Just for Nick
CAM: My brother-in-law likes this site, so I decided to post a D/S that I had done awhile ago on a different web site just for him. It was about how I always confuse Amanda Bynes and Michelle Trachtenberg.
GUY 1: Dude, I totally got to kiss Amanda Bynes the other day.
GUY 2: Who?
CAM: Don't worry, it gets funnier.
GUY 1: You know! The girl from All That and I think she was in Ice Princess.
GUY 2: No, Michelle Trachtenberg was in that movie.
GUY 1: Really? I thought it was Amanda.
GUY 2: No, Amanda Bynes was in that movie What A Girl Wants.
GUY 1: Didn't Christina Aguilera sing that song?
GUY 2: Yeah, she's so hot. But her one song for Moulin Rouge was the best.
GUY 1: Yeah, with Mya and Lil' Kim and Pink. Mya is so hot.
GUY 2: She looked good in that one music video All About Me.
GUY 1: Yeah...
GUY 2: ...
GUY 1: ...
GUY 2: Who did you kiss again?
GUY 1: I forgot.
AMANDA BYNES: Hey guys.
GUY 2: I loved Ice Princess.
AMANDA BYNES: ...me... too?
GUY 2: *smiles*
GUY 1: Wait... *looks at Amanda closely*
AMANDA BYNES: *bites lower lip*
GUY 1: *turns to Guy 2* ...I mean I totally got to kiss Michelle Trachtenberg the other day.
AMANDA BYNES: ...
GUY 2: ...
GUY 1: ...
AMANDA BYNES: Wasn't she in What A Girl Wants?
CAM: And what's really funny is that a couple months ago, Family Guy made the same joke as me about confusing the two actresses. I should sue.
GUY 1: Dude, I totally got to kiss Amanda Bynes the other day.
GUY 2: Who?
CAM: Don't worry, it gets funnier.
GUY 1: You know! The girl from All That and I think she was in Ice Princess.
GUY 2: No, Michelle Trachtenberg was in that movie.
GUY 1: Really? I thought it was Amanda.
GUY 2: No, Amanda Bynes was in that movie What A Girl Wants.
GUY 1: Didn't Christina Aguilera sing that song?
GUY 2: Yeah, she's so hot. But her one song for Moulin Rouge was the best.
GUY 1: Yeah, with Mya and Lil' Kim and Pink. Mya is so hot.
GUY 2: She looked good in that one music video All About Me.
GUY 1: Yeah...
GUY 2: ...
GUY 1: ...
GUY 2: Who did you kiss again?
GUY 1: I forgot.
AMANDA BYNES: Hey guys.
GUY 2: I loved Ice Princess.
AMANDA BYNES: ...me... too?
GUY 2: *smiles*
GUY 1: Wait... *looks at Amanda closely*
AMANDA BYNES: *bites lower lip*
GUY 1: *turns to Guy 2* ...I mean I totally got to kiss Michelle Trachtenberg the other day.
AMANDA BYNES: ...
GUY 2: ...
GUY 1: ...
AMANDA BYNES: Wasn't she in What A Girl Wants?
CAM: And what's really funny is that a couple months ago, Family Guy made the same joke as me about confusing the two actresses. I should sue.
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Hiatus
CAM: I'm going on a temporary hiatus since I have absolutely no time to make entries. I am busy with out-processing and don't have access to this site at work anymore. So, don't expect any updates until June 2006. I look forward to coming back and telling you all about my adventures.
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The Next D/S
CAM: In hopes to keep my fans (and more importantly, my celebrities) happy and continuing to come back to this site, I am ready to announce the next D/S that I will be releasing. It is...
...HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE!!!
...HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE!!!
Monday, February 20, 2006
Six Degrees of Tom Cruise
CAM: I guess Tom Cruise told his friends about my site, so now I am getting more e-mails complimenting me.
KATIE HOLMES (Actress): Visiting My Life in D/S has helped Tom and I have a baby. A nice alien baby.
PENÉLOPE CRUZ EX-CRUISE SÁNCHEZ (Actress): *eats a carrot*
NICOLE KIDMAN (Actress): I use to be really mad about my life and confused on why Tom left me. My Life in D/S has shown me that I can still act in award-winning movies and date a cowboy who is surprisingly not gay.
LENNY KRAVITZ (Musician): I confess, that I like D/S, it's the very best, just like a bulletproof vest. I surf there all the time, laughing at lines, and making rhymes. Oh, I want to get away, I want to flllllllllyyyyyyyyyy away! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STEVIE WONDER (Musician): I can't see My Life in D/S, but if I could, I bet I would see miracles!
PRINCE (Formerly Known Artist): My Life in D/S is like purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
SALMA HAYEK (Actress): Mi Vida en el D/S es un gran sitio web. He dicho todos yo sé ir allí. Las galletas del queso y la pasta de cacahuete son los mejores alimentos que he probado jamás.
KEVIN SMITH (Director): I wonder what it's like being the person to write D/S. I mean, they must be someone who gets away from the front of their computer. They have to go out sometime. It'd be weird to go out and bump into them by accident. For all we know, they could be living right next door. The guy next door does have a good sense of humor and he does have a house as big as mine. However, my comic book collection is way more impressive than his. Of course, he doesn't have one, so that helps. I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I think a Star Wars analogy would do it best. Remember when Princess Leia and Han are standing on the bridge in Ewok Town? Well, the way that Carrie... *he kind of keeps talking, but everyone seems to tune out*
SILENT BOB (Movie Character): ...
JAY (Movie Character): Alright ****er, you're starting to reach into ****in' fictional territory here. If anyone named Jay did ****in' send you a compliment, then it most like isn't who you ****in' thinking.
JENNY MCCARTHY (Actress): I like My Life in Double D's.
HOWARD STERN (Radio Host): I surf My Life in D/S while I'm naked with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand. It's the best ****in' site in... what!?!? What the ****!?!? I can't swear on this site!?!? Screw this! I'm going back to satellite radio!
RUSH LIMBAUGH (Radio Host): My Life in D/S is the biggest liberal bull crap that I have ever read! The only good web site is MY site! ...good joke about JFK though.
GEORGE W. BUSH (U.S. President): Does it look like I have time to visit your interrouterwebswtichsite?
OSAMA BIN LADEN (Al Qaeda Founder): You know what I hate? Pop-up ads. Here in [undisclosed location], we have no Ad Aware software. How many times must I be asked how to make my free iPod's penis very rich?
KATIE HOLMES (Actress): Visiting My Life in D/S has helped Tom and I have a baby. A nice alien baby.
PENÉLOPE CRUZ EX-CRUISE SÁNCHEZ (Actress): *eats a carrot*
NICOLE KIDMAN (Actress): I use to be really mad about my life and confused on why Tom left me. My Life in D/S has shown me that I can still act in award-winning movies and date a cowboy who is surprisingly not gay.
LENNY KRAVITZ (Musician): I confess, that I like D/S, it's the very best, just like a bulletproof vest. I surf there all the time, laughing at lines, and making rhymes. Oh, I want to get away, I want to flllllllllyyyyyyyyyy away! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
STEVIE WONDER (Musician): I can't see My Life in D/S, but if I could, I bet I would see miracles!
PRINCE (Formerly Known Artist): My Life in D/S is like purifying yourself in the waters of Lake Minnetonka?
SALMA HAYEK (Actress): Mi Vida en el D/S es un gran sitio web. He dicho todos yo sé ir allí. Las galletas del queso y la pasta de cacahuete son los mejores alimentos que he probado jamás.
KEVIN SMITH (Director): I wonder what it's like being the person to write D/S. I mean, they must be someone who gets away from the front of their computer. They have to go out sometime. It'd be weird to go out and bump into them by accident. For all we know, they could be living right next door. The guy next door does have a good sense of humor and he does have a house as big as mine. However, my comic book collection is way more impressive than his. Of course, he doesn't have one, so that helps. I'm not quite sure how to explain this, but I think a Star Wars analogy would do it best. Remember when Princess Leia and Han are standing on the bridge in Ewok Town? Well, the way that Carrie... *he kind of keeps talking, but everyone seems to tune out*
SILENT BOB (Movie Character): ...
JAY (Movie Character): Alright ****er, you're starting to reach into ****in' fictional territory here. If anyone named Jay did ****in' send you a compliment, then it most like isn't who you ****in' thinking.
JENNY MCCARTHY (Actress): I like My Life in Double D's.
HOWARD STERN (Radio Host): I surf My Life in D/S while I'm naked with a fresh cup of coffee in my hand. It's the best ****in' site in... what!?!? What the ****!?!? I can't swear on this site!?!? Screw this! I'm going back to satellite radio!
RUSH LIMBAUGH (Radio Host): My Life in D/S is the biggest liberal bull crap that I have ever read! The only good web site is MY site! ...good joke about JFK though.
GEORGE W. BUSH (U.S. President): Does it look like I have time to visit your interrouterwebswtichsite?
OSAMA BIN LADEN (Al Qaeda Founder): You know what I hate? Pop-up ads. Here in [undisclosed location], we have no Ad Aware software. How many times must I be asked how to make my free iPod's penis very rich?
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Famous People
CAM: My Life in D/S is growing in popularity, but hasn't quite reached the level I've wanted. However, here is what a few famous people have had to say...
TOM CRUISE (Actor): On behalf of the Church of Scientology, My Life in D/S is amazing. Extensive research of D/S shows that not only is it scientific, but that it's funny! *gets down from couch*
BILL GATES (Microsoft Chairman): Until I visited My Life in D/S, my life felt empty and incomplete. But, after I visited the site, my Microsoft stock started rising again! Thanks My Life in D/S!
JAY LENO (TV Host): My abnormally large chin accidently made me go to My Life in D/S. It was the best mistake my chin ever made aside from that spring break incident last year.
KELLY CLARKSON (American Idol Winner): Without My Life in D/S, I wouldn't have made it to the end of American Idol. I owe much of my success to D/S.
SIMON COWELL (American Idol Judge): My Life in D/S is, by far, the worst singing I have ever heard. It is really funny though! *sort of cracks a smile... can't tell*
STEVEN SPIELBERG (Director): I want to make a movie out of My Life in D/S!
PARIS HILTON (Still not sure what she really does...): My Life in D/S is the only thing that I haven't slept with. I don't think I ever will either because it's so pure and gentle.
TERI HATCHER (Actress): D/S is the only thing that has been able to make me, a woman well over 40, look as young as a 20-year-old. Thanks plastic surgery!
DICK CHENEY (U.S. Vice President): I started going to My Life in D/S for my cardiovascular problems, but it didn't help because D/S is just so darn funny.
AL GORE (Former U.S. Vice President): I lost the Presidential election because I didn't visit My Life in D/S. I can say that it is thanks to me that My Life in D/S is on the Internet because I invented it.
MICHAEL MOORE (Controversial Director): My Life in D/S helped me lose 150 lbs. in just three weeks!
DISCLAIMER: My Life in D/S does not take responsibilty for Michael Moore re-gaining that weight, plus some, in just three days.
TOM CRUISE (Actor): On behalf of the Church of Scientology, My Life in D/S is amazing. Extensive research of D/S shows that not only is it scientific, but that it's funny! *gets down from couch*
BILL GATES (Microsoft Chairman): Until I visited My Life in D/S, my life felt empty and incomplete. But, after I visited the site, my Microsoft stock started rising again! Thanks My Life in D/S!
JAY LENO (TV Host): My abnormally large chin accidently made me go to My Life in D/S. It was the best mistake my chin ever made aside from that spring break incident last year.
KELLY CLARKSON (American Idol Winner): Without My Life in D/S, I wouldn't have made it to the end of American Idol. I owe much of my success to D/S.
SIMON COWELL (American Idol Judge): My Life in D/S is, by far, the worst singing I have ever heard. It is really funny though! *sort of cracks a smile... can't tell*
STEVEN SPIELBERG (Director): I want to make a movie out of My Life in D/S!
PARIS HILTON (Still not sure what she really does...): My Life in D/S is the only thing that I haven't slept with. I don't think I ever will either because it's so pure and gentle.
TERI HATCHER (Actress): D/S is the only thing that has been able to make me, a woman well over 40, look as young as a 20-year-old. Thanks plastic surgery!
DICK CHENEY (U.S. Vice President): I started going to My Life in D/S for my cardiovascular problems, but it didn't help because D/S is just so darn funny.
AL GORE (Former U.S. Vice President): I lost the Presidential election because I didn't visit My Life in D/S. I can say that it is thanks to me that My Life in D/S is on the Internet because I invented it.
MICHAEL MOORE (Controversial Director): My Life in D/S helped me lose 150 lbs. in just three weeks!
DISCLAIMER: My Life in D/S does not take responsibilty for Michael Moore re-gaining that weight, plus some, in just three days.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
320 GB
CAM: I received my new hard drive on Tuesday. Three hundred and twenty gigs of pure downloading pleasure. I spent my last two days off tranferring all of my media files (about 110 GB of information) over to my new hard drive. Therefore, I did not have much time to write.
CAM'S READERS: Excuses, excuses.
CAM: I work this weekend, which totally bites. But, I will try to work on my latest D/S at work since it will be slow and everyone else should be at home.
CAM'S READERS: I'll be at home. Enjoying MY weekend off.
CAM: You win.
CAM'S READERS: Excuses, excuses.
CAM: I work this weekend, which totally bites. But, I will try to work on my latest D/S at work since it will be slow and everyone else should be at home.
CAM'S READERS: I'll be at home. Enjoying MY weekend off.
CAM: You win.
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Progress
CAM: I worked on my new D/S for awhile these past two days. I noticed that it is significantly longer than Forrest Gump D/S. I'm about 60% done and it is already about 1.5 the length of FG DS. Other than the length (which I hope won't turn people off), the new D/S is coming along very well. My wife has been reading (or should I say proof-reading) and can't stop laughing. That is always a good sign that something is funny.
CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.
CAM: Yes... yes you will. I have also been working on more Forrest Gump icons since they make me laugh.
CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.
CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.
CAM: Yes... yes you will. I have also been working on more Forrest Gump icons since they make me laugh.
CAM'S READERS: We'll see about that.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
National Lampoon's Shopping Run
CAM: Every weekend, someone on my working crew is responsible for going to the commissary (grocery store) to shop for our snack fund. Our snack fund consists of the essentials: chips, cookies, candy, soda, etc. Well, today was my turn. I went to the commissary where I was told repeatedly that there is a sale on boneless frozen chicken in aisle 12. I must have heard the announcer say that 10 times while I was in the store. It was how he said it that stood out:
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, Ramstein commissary shoppers. Today, we are having a sale on boneless frozen chicken. Original price is $4.79. WHOOSH! Take that $1.50 off coupon! WHOOSH! Now, it's only $3.29.
CAM: As if I didn't know how to subtract numbers with decimals.
KID WALKING BY: WHOOSH!
A MOTHER WALKING BY: WHOOSH! Hehe.
CAM: Oh, no.
ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale... more WHOOSH*
AIR FORCE SERGEANT: WHOOSH! Ha!
COMMISSARY STAFF MEMBER: WHOOSH! Hahaha!
HUSBAND AND WIFE: WHOOSH! Funny!
CAM: *facepalms*
ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale again... "WHOOSH" is used eight times*
A FATHER WALKING BY: HA! WHOOSH!
TODDLER: WHOOSH!
OLD RETIREE: WHOOSH! Funny whipper-snapper.
CAM: *gets to aisle 12 and sees announcer announcing*
ANNOUNCER: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Sale WHOOSH! Coupon WHOOSH! Chicken WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!
WHAT CAM IS THINKING: *Cam walks over to boneless frozen chicken and grabs a bag. Cam walks over to announcer. Cam swings bag and hits announcer in the face.*
CAM: WHOOSH!
ANNOUNCER: Good afternoon, Ramstein commissary shoppers. Today, we are having a sale on boneless frozen chicken. Original price is $4.79. WHOOSH! Take that $1.50 off coupon! WHOOSH! Now, it's only $3.29.
CAM: As if I didn't know how to subtract numbers with decimals.
KID WALKING BY: WHOOSH!
A MOTHER WALKING BY: WHOOSH! Hehe.
CAM: Oh, no.
ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale... more WHOOSH*
AIR FORCE SERGEANT: WHOOSH! Ha!
COMMISSARY STAFF MEMBER: WHOOSH! Hahaha!
HUSBAND AND WIFE: WHOOSH! Funny!
CAM: *facepalms*
ANNOUNCER: *repeats earlier aisle 12 sale again... "WHOOSH" is used eight times*
A FATHER WALKING BY: HA! WHOOSH!
TODDLER: WHOOSH!
OLD RETIREE: WHOOSH! Funny whipper-snapper.
CAM: *gets to aisle 12 and sees announcer announcing*
ANNOUNCER: WHOOSH! WHOOSH! Sale WHOOSH! Coupon WHOOSH! Chicken WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH!
WHAT CAM IS THINKING: *Cam walks over to boneless frozen chicken and grabs a bag. Cam walks over to announcer. Cam swings bag and hits announcer in the face.*
CAM: WHOOSH!
Friday, January 27, 2006
Forrest Gump Icons
CAM: I made some buddy icons for my Forrest Gump in D/S. I'll make more when I have the time. For now, enjoy these:
CAM: Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I am 50% complete with the next D/S.
CAM: Oh yeah, I almost forgot to mention that I am 50% complete with the next D/S.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Writing a new D/S
CAM: Hey everyone. At first, I wasn't getting a very big response on my Forrest Gump D/S, but lately it has been spreading. I'm finally getting e-mails from people I have never heard of complimenting me. That being so, I have started on a new D/S. I'm currently about 1/4 done. It's definitely going to appeal to a different audience, but it is still a major motion picture. Also, the movie came out just last year, so it should still be fresh in everybody's minds unlike Forrest Gump. So, stay tuned...
CAM'S READERS: "Stay tuned." This isn't TV.
CAM: Fine! Stay... online.
CAM'S READERS: But, I have to go to work today! I can't just stay here at your web page and refresh all day.
CAM: Look, you are being difficult and I don't need this right now.
CAM'S READERS: W'r srry. Wnn tlk bt t?
CAM: Don't start that no vowel crap!
CAM'S READERS: e'e o. aa a aou i?
CAM: *sighs*
CAM'S READERS: "Stay tuned." This isn't TV.
CAM: Fine! Stay... online.
CAM'S READERS: But, I have to go to work today! I can't just stay here at your web page and refresh all day.
CAM: Look, you are being difficult and I don't need this right now.
CAM'S READERS: W'r srry. Wnn tlk bt t?
CAM: Don't start that no vowel crap!
CAM'S READERS: e'e o. aa a aou i?
CAM: *sighs*
Sunday, January 15, 2006
Subway in D/S
CAM: I went to Subway to pick up sandwiches for my co-worker and I. I'm the easiest person to make sandwiches for. I always order stuff plain. My favorite thing to order is the Meatball Sub. No cheese, no vegetables, no sauce; plain. Well, ordering for other people is different. The sandwich my co-worker wanted was an Italian BMT with everything on it except jalapeños. I told this to the Subway employee. Here's how the conversation went:SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Welcome to Subway. What can I get you?
CAM: One footlong Meatball Sub on white.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Cheese on that?
CAM: No, thanks. Just the meatballs.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Anything else?
CAM: Yes, also a footlong Italian BMT on parmesean oregano.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Cheese on that?
CAM: Yes.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What else?
CAM: Everything except jalapeños.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *puts everything on and stops at the jalapeños* Did you say jalapeños on that?
CAM: No.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *puts jalapeños on it*
CAM: No, I said no jalapeños.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Oh! Extra jalapeños. *puts more jalapeños on it*
CAM: ...
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *wraps up sandwich*
CAM: ...
EVERYBODY ELSE IN LINE: *goes to Taco Bell*
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: Have a nice day.
CAM: ...
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Forrest Gump D/S
Disclaimer: Forrest Gump has been one of my favorite movies ever since its release. It’s hard to write a parody on it because it is so serious and just so well-made. I mostly used the script from IMSDb to create this. I also used some jokes that Cleo has used, but tried to be original as much as I could. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.
Some Park Bench in Alabama, but is Really in Georgia
FEATHER: *floats* I symbolize fate and destiny.
FORREST GUMP: *picks up feather and puts it in favorite Curious George book*
NURSE AT PARK BENCH: *magically appears*
FORREST: Hello, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.
NURSE: *ignores* Maybe he’ll go away.
FORREST: Chocolate?
NURSE: *shakes head*
FORREST: My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”
NURSE: *continues to ignore the crazy man*
FORREST: You are wearing shoes.
NURSE: My feet hurt.
FORREST: My first pair of shoes hurt too.
Doctor’s Office
DOCTOR: The scary part is over; you can open your eyes now Forrest.
FORREST: *opens eyes and sees leg braces*
DOCTOR: Your son is all messed up, Mrs. Gump.
MRS. GUMP: He’s the same as everyone else!
FORREST: *fallsonface*
DOCTOR: Sure.
MRS. GUMP: Remember Forrest, you are the same as everyone else.
Forrest’s Elementary School’s Principal’s Office
PRINCIPAL: Your son is nothing like everyone else, Mrs. Gump.
MRS. GUMP: Surely there is someway he can stay at this school. *winks*
PRINCIPAL: Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?
MRS. GUMP: He’s on vacation.
At the Gump House
PRINCIPAL: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!
FORREST: *sits outside listening to everything*
PRINCIPAL: *walks outside* You don’t say much, do you?
FORREST: Heeheeheeheeheehee…
THE AUDIENCE: Who makes those sounds whilst doing the sex?
SAM ANDERSON: *slumps down in chair*
In Forrest’s Bedroom
MRS. GUMP: *reads Curious George to Forrest*
FORREST: Momma, what’s vacation mean?
MRS. GUMP: Vacation is when you go down to the dockside bars too much and sleep with some hefty sailor named Jim without using protection.
FORREST: *blinks*
MRS. GUMP: *continues reading*
Later, at the Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Forrest, suppa is ready!
ELVIS PRESLEY: *in his room, singing* You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time...
MRS. GUMP: *looks inside Elvis’ room in the off chance that Forrest might be in there*
FORREST: *dances funny*
MRS. GUMP: Forrest, I told you not to bother this nice young man.
ELVIS: *puts his pants back on* Uh, uh… no it’s okay ma’am. He was... uh... I was just showing him... uh... *picks up guitar really quick* ...my guitar!
MRS. GUMP: Okay. *walks out*
ELVIS: Remember, if you tell anyone, you’ll get in big trouble!
Downtown Greenbow
TV: *shows Elvis dancing funny*
FORREST: *stops to watch*
MRS. GUMP: *stops to watch*
FORREST: *thinks to self* I can’t tell momma or I’ll get in trouble.
NARRATOR FORREST: He died.
ELVIS FANS: So, that’s how he got all his cool moves! *fawn*
Waiting for the School Bus
MRS. GUMP: Here’s the bus. Be good.
FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*
BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?
FORREST: Momma always said, “Don’t take rides from strangers.”
BUS DRIVER: This is the bus to school, Retard.
FORREST: Um, I’m Forrest Gump.
BUS DRIVER: I’m a former SNL cast member, but no one remembers me.
FORREST: Well, now we ain’t strangers no more. *gets on bus*
DIRECTOR’S SON: Seat is taken.
CHUBBY BOY: Taken.
TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.
YOUNG GIRL: You can sit here.
FORREST: *sits*
YOUNG GIRL: *points at legs* What’s up with that?
FORREST: It’s all good.
YOUNG GIRL: My name is Jenny.
FORREST: My name is Forrest Gu-hump.
Oak Tree
NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny and me was like frozen dinner items. She taught me how to climb…
FORREST: *climbs*
NARRATOR FORREST: …I showed her how to dangle.
JENNY: *dangles*
NARRATOR FORREST: She taught me how to read…
FORREST: *reads*
NARRATOR FORREST: …and I showed her how to swing.
JENNY: *keeps reading*
Gump Driveway
BULLY #1: I throw rock at you!
ROCK #1: *hits Forrest in the back of the head*
FORREST: WTF!? Where did that come from?
BULLY #2: *throws rock*
ROCK #2: Face!
FORREST: Ow! Maybe if I just keep standing here, they’ll stop.
JENNY: Run Forrest!
FORREST: *turns and runs*
BULLY #3: Get the bikes!
BULLY #1: We’re gonna get you!
JENNY: At the risk of other people saying this line EVERYTIME someone is running… RUN, FORREST, RUN!
FORREST: *runs*
BULLIES: *bikes*
FORREST: *runs*
BULLIES: *bikes*
FORREST’S LEG BRACES: *dies*
FORREST: w00t!
JOHN WILLIAMS’ SOUNDTRACK: *pumps up a notch*
BULLIES: *stop because apparently bikes don’t work well on leveled grassy fields*
BULLY #2: Let’s try again when we have a car.
BULLY #1: This town is so boring.
Jenny’s House
FORREST: *runs up to Jenny* How did you get here so fast? You were just at my driveway with me.
JENNY: Quiet, daddy is sleeping.
DADDY: Jenny!?!?
JENNY: Dang! Run!
FORREST: *runs too fast for Jenny to keep up and ruins all the crops*
Gump Driveway Again
HIGH SCHOOL-AGED FORREST AND JENNY: *walk*
OLDER BULLY #1: *throws rock*
OLDER BULLY #2: Haha! Let’s see you outrun us now.
JENNY: *turns to Forrest*
FORREST: Run, Forrest, run?
JENNY: *nods*
FORREST: *turns and runs*
OLDER BULLY #3: *drives*
FORREST: *runs*
OLDER BULLIES: *drives*
FORREST: *runs*
OLDER BULLIES: *drives*
FORREST: OMG, SO CLOSE!
OLDER BULLIES: OMG, SO CLOSE!
FORREST: *veer*
OLDER BULLIES: *veer*
FORREST: *runs to football field where University of Alabama try-outs just happen to be going on*
QUARTERBACK: *throws*
FORREST: *runs*
RECEIVER: *catches and sees Forrest* Hey, you’re not allowed to be on this…
TACKLER: *tackles*
RECEIVER: ...ouch, my hip!
University of Alabama
KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *catches and runs over to Forrest* Coach says you are better than me. Take this and run.
FORREST: But no one is throwing rocks at me.
KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *throws rock*
FORREST: Crap. *runs*
THE OTHER TEAM: *misses tackles and feels stupid*
FORREST: Stupid is as stupid does. *runs to touchdown, and through a lost group of marching band members, and through the stadium exit, and through the campus grounds, and to the main entrance of the university*
Main Entrance of the University
NEWS REPORTER CHET HUNTLEY: Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door.
FORREST: Earl, what’s going on?
EARL: Coons are tryin’ to get into school.
FORREST: Coons!? Well, they be trying to get on our back porch, but momma just fights them off with a broom.
EARL: Not raccoons, you idiot! The N-word.
FORREST: ...
EARL: ...
FORREST: ...
EARL: *whispers* Niggers.
FORREST: I know… and?
EARL: *blinks*
GOVERNOR WALLACE: *dies*
Some Park Bench
NURSE: I can’t believe you said the N-word. Good day to you, sir! *leaves on bus*
SINGLE MOM (NOT JENNY): I remember when Wallace got shot.
FORREST: Who?
SINGLE MOM: Wallace. The guy that didn’t want those students entering the school.
FORREST: …
SINGLE MOM: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: Jenny went to an all-girls college.
All-girls College (Future Girls Gone Wild Headquarters)
JENNY: *hits head against car window* Ouch ba-ba-ba-ba!
FORREST: *walks over to car and opens driver’s side door* I KEEL YOU! *punches*
BILLY: *can’t protect himself from a mentally handicapped man*
THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they’re allowed to laugh*
Inside Jenny’s Dorm Room
JENNY: You ever been with a girl before Forrest?
FORREST: I sit next to them in home ec. class.
JENNY: No, I mean… *shows breasts*
FORREST: *stares at breasts*
JENNY: *still feeling frisky makes Forrest touch her breasts*
FORREST: *orgasm*
JENNY: *sighs*
ADAM HERZ: Hmmmm…
FORREST: I think I ruined your roommate’s robe.
JENNY: She’s a bitch.
White House
NARRATOR FORREST: I got put on the All-American Football Team, so I got to meet the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: How does it feel to be an All-American?
FORREST: I gotta pee.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: I believe he said he had to go pee.
THE AUDIENCE: No way! JFK said that!
THE FORREST GUMP SPECIAL EFFECT DEPARTMENT: SO EASY!
PHOTOSHOPPERS: SO EASY! *make pictures of JFK doing Marilyn Monroe*
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: *dies*
ROBERT KENNEDY: *dies*
University of Alabama
FORREST: *receives diploma*
MILITARY RECRUITER: *snarls* Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future?
FORREST: To?
Army Bus
RECRUIT #1: Seat’s taken.
RECRUIT #2: Taken.
TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.
BLACK MAN: You can sit here, shrimp.
FORREST: *sits*
BLACK MAN: You ever been on a real shrimp boat, shrimp?
FORREST: No.
BLACK MAN: I have all my life, shrimp. The name is Bubba, shrimp.
FORREST: Okay, Bubba Shrimp.
BLACK MAN: No, just Bubba, shrimp.
FORREST: That’s what I said, Bubba Shrimp.
BLACK MAN: NO!!! Just Bub-ba… shrimp.
FORREST: You confuse me Shrimp.
Army Barracks
DRILL SERGEANT: GUMP! What’s your sole purpose in the Army!?!?
FORREST: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!
DRILL SERGEANT: *makes him do 200 push-ups and flutter kicks for making such a smartass remark*
THE AUDIENCE: *still aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*
Army Barracks, Another Day
BUBBA: *assembles rifle slowly* On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp.
FORREST: *finishes assembling gun* Done, Drill Sergeant!
DRILL SERGEANT: I lessthanthree you Gump! Now disassemble!
FORREST: *begins disassembling*
BUBBA: Before I was so rudely interrupted, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There’s shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole...
Another Day
BUBBA: ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp...
Yet Another Day
BUBBA: ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it.
FORREST: *head explodes ending the movie*
THE AUDIENCE: OMG! Poor Forrest! He got shrimp-talked to death! We want our money back!
FORREST: *stops and stares at Bubba then continues working*
THE AUDIENCE: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I smell an Oscar!
FORREST: I wonder what Jenny is doing.
Memphis Night Club
EMCEE: Here’s Jen… I mean, Bobbie Dylan!
CROWD: More like Boobie Dylan.
FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *punches crowd*
JENNY: What are you doing, Forrest!?
FORREST: *picks up fully nude Jenny, but doesn’t have an orgasm for some reason this time*
JENNY: Let me down!
Some Memphis Bridge
JENNY: Think I can fly off this bridge?
FORREST: What?
JENNY: Nothing. I’m out.
FORREST: So, they’re sending me to Vietnam.
JENNY: Run Forrest run.
Firebase/4th Platoon
BUBBA: I bet there’s shrimp all in these waters.
FORREST: *sighs*
OFFICER: You must be my new F.N.G.’s. *snickers*
FORREST AND BUBBA: *salute*
SNIPER: *snipes* Headshot!
OFFICER: Dang it! Look what you did! Don’t ever salute me again! BTW, my name is Lieutenant Dan Taylor, but for some reason I like using my first name after my rank because Lieutenant Taylor sounds dumb. Now, take care of your socks and don’t kill yourself.
FORREST: I’m SO screwed.
Dirt Road
LT. DAN: Get down! Shut up!
THE PLATOON: *gets down, shuts up*
LT. DAN: *low-crawls around a bush*
SQUIRREL: *runs away frightened*
LT. DAN: On your feet. Move out.
Encampment
NARRATOR FORREST: I thought about Jenny a lot.
Jenny’s Grandmother’s Trailer
JENNY: I’m out.
Jungle
THE PLATOON: *takes fire*
LT. DAN: Take cover!
SOLDIERS: *die*
LT. DAN: Pull back!
BUBBA: Run, Forrest, run!
FORREST: You’re not Jenny. *turns and runs*
GRENADE: *explodes*
FORREST: *reaches river* Bubba? Not good. *runs back into jungle*
TEX: Forrest!
FORREST: Where are you from again?
TEX: Get me out of here!
FORREST: *carries Tex to the river and goes back into the jungle*
DALLAS: Forrest!
FORREST: You aren’t Bubba.
DALLAS: Come on!
FORREST: *carries Dallas to the river and goes back into the jungle*
LT. DAN: Charlie is everywhere!
FORREST: *doesn’t remember a Charlie in his platoon*
LT. DAN: I gotta have those fast movers in here now!
FORREST: Piggy back!
LT. DAN: No! Leave me to die here!
FORREST: *carries Lt. Dan to the river, but gets shot in the butt* BAD TOUCH!
LT. DAN: *pulls out pistol and fires at the ground* WAHHHHHHH!
FORREST: *gets back up and carries Lt. Dan to the river and goes back in the jungle*
BUBBA: Shrimp…
FORREST: Bubba? *carries Bubba to the river just as air strike napes the whole jungle*
NARRATOR FORREST: If I’d a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I’d a thought of something better to say.
FORREST: I really miss 99 cent taco Mondays.
BUBBA: *dies*
Some Park
FORREST: And that was that.
RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: It was a bullet that got you in the butt, right?
FORREST: Duh!
THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*
Army Hospital Beds
FORREST: *wearing a man diaper* I brought you ice cream Lt. Dan.
LT. DAN: This is what I think of your stupid ice cream. *takes ice cream and puts it in bed pan* Get it!? Crap!
MALE NURSE: Time for your bath L.T.
LT. DAN: Best part of my day.
Army Hospital Common Room
PING-PONG BALL: *hits Forrest in the head*
FORREST: Run, Forrest, run! *begins to run*
WOUNDED BLACK SOLDIER: Stop Forrest! Let me show you how to play ping-pong.
SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: *nudges male nurse and whispers* This oughtta be good.
NARRATOR FORREST: For some reason, ping-pong came very natural to me.
MALE NURSE: Pwn’d! Bath time.
SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: Crap.
Army Hospital Rec. Room
OFFICER: P.F.C. Gump?
FORREST: *stands at attention* Yes, sir!
SNIPER: *snipes* Own’d.
OFFICER: Dang it! How many times do we have to tell you people! *frustrated sigh* Here. Medal of Honor letter.
White House
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: *places Medal of Honor on Forrest* I heard you got shot. Where?
FORREST: In the buttocks, sir.
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: I’d kinda like to see that.
FORREST: *reveals wound*
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Yes, well… *cough*
Lincoln Memorial
CRAZY HIPPIE WOMAN: *gathers the vets, including Forrest and takes them to a stage in front of a rally*
VET: *taps Forrest on the shoulder* You’re a good man for doing this.
FORREST: You smell like bacon fat.
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *motions to Forrest* Effin’ come up here man.
FORREST: *walks up to microphone*
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Tell us a little bit about the effin’ war, man.
FORREST: The war in Vietnam?
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *sarcastically* No, the war in effin’ Canada!
FORREST: ...
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Get off my stage.
JENNY: *wades out into the reflection pool* Forrest!
FORREST: Jenny! *runs down into reflection pool*
JENNY: *hug*
FORREST: *hug*
HIPPIES: Yay for hugs! *hugs*
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Isn’t that illegal or something?
Black Panther Headquarters
BLACK PANTHER: Hey, cracka! Get away from the window!
FORREST: *eyes Ritz crackers on the table by the window and moves them away*
BLACK PANTHER: ...
HIPPIE GUY: Jenny, where have you been?
JENNY: Wesley, meet my good friend Forrest Gump.
WESLEY: Whatev.
JENNY: Well, you’re about to meet him very well in about 10 seconds.
WESLEY: *slaps Jenny*
FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *tackles Wesley and punches him*
THE AUDIENCE: *looks around at each other to see if anyone is laughing*
BLACK PANTHER: Out.
Washington, D.C.
NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny told me about all the travelin’ she’s done.
Route 66 Flashback
JENNY: *hitches a ride*
Commune in New Mexico Flashback
JENNY: *eats a sugar cube of acid*
Hollywood Walk of Fame Flashback
JENNY: *hitches a ride to San Francisco*
JEAN HARLOW STAR: My curves aren’t what they used to be.
Back in Washington, D.C.
FORREST: Don’t go.
JENNY: I have to go get AIDS though. *gets on bus with Wesley*
FORREST: *glare of death*
China Ping-pong Tournament
NARRATOR FORREST: They sent me to China to play ping-pong on the All-American Ping-Pong Team.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
The Dick Cavett Show
DICK CAVETT: Here is Forrest Gump.
FORREST: *sits*
DICK CAVETT: Forrest Gump, meet John Lennon.
FORREST: Your name reminds me of citrus-ey goodness.
JOHN LENNON: ...
NARRATOR FORREST: No wonder he got shot.
THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*
Outside the Studio
LT. DAN: *in wheelchair* They gave you the Medal of Honor!?
FORREST: Yes, sir.
LT. DAN: They gave you the Medal… of… Honor?
FORREST: *looks left and right* Yes, sir.
LT. DAN: *attempts suicide by sliding down an icy ramp in his wheelchair*
Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room
LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?
FORREST: I thought we were looking for Charlie.
LT. DAN: ...
FORREST: ...
LT. DAN: Go get me booze.
FORREST: *leaves*
Times Square Bar
DICK CLARK: *on TV* I hope I get to do a few more of these New Year’s things.
FORREST: So, I promised Bubba that I would go into the shrimpin’ business after the war.
LT. DAN: You’re joking, right?
FORREST: No, sir.
LT. DAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! If you ever become a shrimp boat captain, I’ll be your astronaut that gets stuck on Earth, but will save you from death in space because I got ill before we had to leave for our mission.
FORREST: First mate would do fine.
SLUTTY GIRL: *walks up to Lt. Dan* Hey baby!
LT. DAN: Hey, slutty hoe Carla and big boobs Lenore.
BIG BOOBS LENORE: *points at the TV* Hey, we was just there!
FORREST: You were at Dick Clark?
EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room
LENORE: *kisses Forrest and reaches for his crotch*
FORREST: *stands up causing her to fall down*
CARLA: Is your friend stupid or something?
LT. DAN: *slap*
CARLA AND LENORE: *run away*
LT. DAN: *falls out of wheelchair*
FORREST: *tries to help*
LT. DAN: No. *pulls himself back up into his wheelchair*
FORREST: I’m sorry Lt. Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.
LT. DAN: Meh, that’s alright Forrest. Mine tasted like excrement. Happy New Year.
White House
NARRATOR FORREST: I got to see the President again, but this time I didn’t do anything embarrassing!
PRESIDENT NIXON: You should stay at this brand new hotel.
The Watergate Hotel
FORREST: *on the phone* Yeah, sir, there’s these people playing flashlight tag in the room across the way and it’s keeping me awake.
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, sir. I’ll try to get them to stop.
FORREST: No, sir. I want to play too.
SECURITY GUARD: ...
FORREST : ...
SECURITY GUARD: *hangs up*
Gymnasium
OFFICER: Sergeant Gump!
FORREST: *stand at attention* Yes, sir?
OFFICER: *dives and takes cover*
SNIPER: *misses* Darn.
OFFICER: *gets back up* Ha-ha! You’re out, son.
FORREST: I’m out.
Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Welcome home, son. We’ve had all sorts of visitors.
FORREST: Wow, look at all this ping-pong stuff.
MRS. GUMP: One man left a check for 25 thousand dollars if you’d be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle.
FORREST: As long as they don’t want to see my buttocks.
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
BUBBA’S MOM: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
OLD SHRIMPER: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
BUBBA’S DEAD BODY: Heck ya, shrimp!
FORREST: I only caught five today.
OLD SHRIMPER: Are you shrimp cocktail or something? You should name your boat.
FORREST: *goes with the obvious and names the boat Jenny*
THE AUDIENCE: I totally guessed that one.
FORREST: She’s an angel. I wonder what she’s doing right now…
Disco
JENNY: *does smack*
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: I hope she’s happy doing whatever she’s doing.
Apartment
JENNY: *walks out onto the ledge and considers jumping but doesn’t and instead rocks back and forth while crying*
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: *sigh*
LT. DAN: *waits on dock*
FORREST: Lieutenant Dan! *jumps off boat and swims to Lt. Dan*
LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST’S SHRIMPING BOAT: *crashes into a dock*
Bayou la Batre Waters
LT. DAN: *points left* That way!
FORREST: *steers right*
LT. DAN: Do you not know your left from your right, Gump?
FORREST: *stops for a second and continues turning right*
LT. DAN: Other way…
FORREST: *finally steers in correct direction*
LT. DAN: That is where we’ll find ‘em. I’m sure of it! I’ll bet my left leg on that.
FORREST: *shrimps* No shrimp although I bet Bubba’s mom could turn this toilet seat into a mighty fine stew.
LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?
The Boat
RAIN: *rains*
WIND: *winds*
LT. DAN: You’ll never sink this boat, Lord! BWAHAHAHAHA!
THE LORD: Meh, I could if I wanted to.
RAIN: *dies*
WIND: *dies*
FORREST: *shrimps* OMFG! Look at all this shrimp!
NARRATOR FORREST: And that’s how the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation got started.
Some Park
RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: I don’t believe. *walks away laughing hysterically*
ELDERLY WOMAN: Great story.
FORREST: I’m for reals.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Suuuure, hon’.
FORREST: Here’s a picture. *shows magazine cover*
ELDERLY WOMAN: I don’t have my glasses on.
FORREST: On?
The Boat
LT. DAN: Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life.
FORREST: I was trying to save Bubba.
LT. DAN: What!?
FORREST: Nothing, shrimp.
LT. DAN: *jumps… erm… flings self into ocean*
FORREST: You’re welcome.
PRESIDENT FORD: *dies* Actually, I’m feeling better.
NEWS REPORTER: No you’re not; you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
PRESIDENT FORD: I feel happy!
THE AUDIENCE: Wait… this is from Monty Python.
RADIO: Base to Jenny Five Hundred and Sixty-seven.
LT. DAN: This is Jenny Five Six Seven.
RADIO: Forrest’s momma is sick.
FORREST: *jumps in ocean*
LT. DAN: I hate people that can swim with their legs.
Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Hey, Forrest!
FORREST: Momma, what’s wrong with you?
MRS. GUMP: Oh nothing, I’m fine!
FORREST: Why are you dyin’?
THE AUDIENCE: *tear*
MRS. GUMP: It’s just destiny.
FORREST: What’s my destiny?
MRS. GUMP: Well, according to that feather, your destiny is to be stuck on the inside cover of a Curious George book.
NARRATOR FORREST: Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. She got the cancer and dieded.
THE AUDIENCE: We need more tissues! Woe!
Outside Gump House
NARRATOR FORREST: Now, because I basically wrote history, I mowed lawns for a living and I did it for free.
FORREST: *mows*
JENNY: *arrives*
FORREST: *stops*
JENNY: *stops*
FORREST: ...
THE AUDIENCE: *gasp*
JENNY: Hey...
FORREST: *HUGGERZZZZZZZ!*
THE AUDIENCE: Seriously! Where are the tissues!?!?
THE KLEENEX COMPANY: We’re still on back order because of last year’s Schindler’s List.
Countryside
JENNY: *throws rocks at old house*
FORREST: *watches*
JENNY: *falls*
FORREST: The last time someone threw rocks around me, you told me to run.
JENNY: I wasn’t trying to hit you.
FORREST: I didn’t think so, because if I did, I think I would be in Seattle by now.
Inside the Gump House
JENNY: *turns TV off*
FORREST: Marry me.
JENNY: You don’t want to marry me.
FORREST: Why not?
JENNY: Well, I’m a crack whore who did PCP while surfing over UDP and capturing TCP packets on IDS with two monitors on at the same time with A1C’s and SSgt’s who took their CDC’s during their IQT’s with certainty.
FORREST: I’m not a smart man, so I have no idea what you just said.
JENNY: I won’t marry you, but I’ll give you pity sex.
Forrest’s Bedroom
FORREST AND JENNY: *have pity sex*
JENNY: *gets in taxi and leaves*
THE SOUND: *goes out for, like, five minutes*
FORREST: *runs, Forrest, runs*
Barber Shop
FORREST: *runs*
Alabama Road
FORREST: *runs*
Santa Monica
FORREST: *runs*
Atlantic Ocean
FORREST: *runs*
Special Olympics
FORREST: *runs*
CROWD: He beat two trees!
Highway
FORREST: *runs*
Coffee Shop
TV: *shows Forrest running*
JENNY: OMG! I had pity sex with that guy!
NEWS REPORTER: Sir, why are you running?
FORREST: I know, it’s weird. No rocks being thrown at me and no people shooting at me.
NARRATOR FORREST: Eventually, people wanted to run with me.
THE AUDIENCE: Wait… so, we’re supposed to believe that this guy created the “Sh*t happens” bumper stick and the “Have a nice day” smiley face?
ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Well, yeah. You believed he met J.F.K., right?
THE AUDIENCE: True.
Monument Valley
FORREST: *stops running after a billion years*
RUNNER: Shut up. He’s going to say something.
FORREST: I just remembered that I forgot to close my garage door. I think I’ll go home now.
RUNNER: I can’t believe I did something crazy like this without being drunk or high.
Some Park Bench
FORREST: And then, out of the blue, I got a letter from Jenny asking me to come see her.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Let me see what her address is. You didn’t need to wait for a bus and tell all those stories. Her place is just about five or six blocks down that way. You can just run, Forrest, run.
FORREST: *is gone*
Jenny’s Apartment
JENNY: Hey!
FORREST: Hey.
BABYSITTER: Hey.
KID: Hey.
JENNY: This is Mr. Gump.
KID: Hey.
FORREST: Hey.
JENNY: He’s your son Forrest.
FORREST: Hey!
JENNY: ...
FORREST: I mean, what!?
JENNY: It’s okay, go watch Sesame Street with him.
FORREST: He’s already smarter than me.
THE AUDIENCE: Everything is going so well.
Gump House
LOUISE: Forrest, it’s time to start.
JENNY: *walks out wearing the ugliest wedding dress known to woman*
LT. DAN: *walks, that’s right, walks up*
FORREST: You got new legs!?!?
LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?
JENNY: That’s what I said when I first met him, too.
FORREST AND JENNY: *get married*
JENNY: *dies*
Jenny’s Grave at Old Oak Tree
THE AUDIENCE: NOOOOOOOO! WHY!?!? Why did she have to do all those drugs!?!?
FORREST: I had you placed under our favorite tree, I had a bulldozer take down your father’s house, and Mini-Me Forrest is better than me at everything.
THE AUDIENCE: *wipe tears and blow noses on theatre seats*
Road
FORREST: Here’s the bus. Be good.
MINI-ME FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*
BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?
MINI-ME FORREST: Weren’t you on Saturday Night Live?
BUS DRIVER: *fawn*
BUS: *drives away*
FEATHER: *attacks camera lens*
FIN.
Some Park Bench in Alabama, but is Really in Georgia
FEATHER: *floats* I symbolize fate and destiny.
FORREST GUMP: *picks up feather and puts it in favorite Curious George book*
NURSE AT PARK BENCH: *magically appears*
FORREST: Hello, my name is Forrest, Forrest Gump.
NURSE: *ignores* Maybe he’ll go away.
FORREST: Chocolate?
NURSE: *shakes head*
FORREST: My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.”
NURSE: *continues to ignore the crazy man*
FORREST: You are wearing shoes.
NURSE: My feet hurt.
FORREST: My first pair of shoes hurt too.
Doctor’s Office
DOCTOR: The scary part is over; you can open your eyes now Forrest.
FORREST: *opens eyes and sees leg braces*
DOCTOR: Your son is all messed up, Mrs. Gump.
MRS. GUMP: He’s the same as everyone else!
FORREST: *fallsonface*
DOCTOR: Sure.
MRS. GUMP: Remember Forrest, you are the same as everyone else.
Forrest’s Elementary School’s Principal’s Office
PRINCIPAL: Your son is nothing like everyone else, Mrs. Gump.
MRS. GUMP: Surely there is someway he can stay at this school. *winks*
PRINCIPAL: Is there a Mr. Gump, Mrs. Gump?
MRS. GUMP: He’s on vacation.
At the Gump House
PRINCIPAL: HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE!
FORREST: *sits outside listening to everything*
PRINCIPAL: *walks outside* You don’t say much, do you?
FORREST: Heeheeheeheeheehee…
THE AUDIENCE: Who makes those sounds whilst doing the sex?
SAM ANDERSON: *slumps down in chair*
In Forrest’s Bedroom
MRS. GUMP: *reads Curious George to Forrest*
FORREST: Momma, what’s vacation mean?
MRS. GUMP: Vacation is when you go down to the dockside bars too much and sleep with some hefty sailor named Jim without using protection.
FORREST: *blinks*
MRS. GUMP: *continues reading*
Later, at the Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Forrest, suppa is ready!
ELVIS PRESLEY: *in his room, singing* You ain’t nothing but a hound dog, cryin’ all the time...
MRS. GUMP: *looks inside Elvis’ room in the off chance that Forrest might be in there*
FORREST: *dances funny*
MRS. GUMP: Forrest, I told you not to bother this nice young man.
ELVIS: *puts his pants back on* Uh, uh… no it’s okay ma’am. He was... uh... I was just showing him... uh... *picks up guitar really quick* ...my guitar!
MRS. GUMP: Okay. *walks out*
ELVIS: Remember, if you tell anyone, you’ll get in big trouble!
Downtown Greenbow
TV: *shows Elvis dancing funny*
FORREST: *stops to watch*
MRS. GUMP: *stops to watch*
FORREST: *thinks to self* I can’t tell momma or I’ll get in trouble.
NARRATOR FORREST: He died.
ELVIS FANS: So, that’s how he got all his cool moves! *fawn*
Waiting for the School Bus
MRS. GUMP: Here’s the bus. Be good.
FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*
BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?
FORREST: Momma always said, “Don’t take rides from strangers.”
BUS DRIVER: This is the bus to school, Retard.
FORREST: Um, I’m Forrest Gump.
BUS DRIVER: I’m a former SNL cast member, but no one remembers me.
FORREST: Well, now we ain’t strangers no more. *gets on bus*
DIRECTOR’S SON: Seat is taken.
CHUBBY BOY: Taken.
TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.
YOUNG GIRL: You can sit here.
FORREST: *sits*
YOUNG GIRL: *points at legs* What’s up with that?
FORREST: It’s all good.
YOUNG GIRL: My name is Jenny.
FORREST: My name is Forrest Gu-hump.
Oak Tree
NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny and me was like frozen dinner items. She taught me how to climb…
FORREST: *climbs*
NARRATOR FORREST: …I showed her how to dangle.
JENNY: *dangles*
NARRATOR FORREST: She taught me how to read…
FORREST: *reads*
NARRATOR FORREST: …and I showed her how to swing.
JENNY: *keeps reading*
Gump Driveway
BULLY #1: I throw rock at you!
ROCK #1: *hits Forrest in the back of the head*
FORREST: WTF!? Where did that come from?
BULLY #2: *throws rock*
ROCK #2: Face!
FORREST: Ow! Maybe if I just keep standing here, they’ll stop.
JENNY: Run Forrest!
FORREST: *turns and runs*
BULLY #3: Get the bikes!
BULLY #1: We’re gonna get you!
JENNY: At the risk of other people saying this line EVERYTIME someone is running… RUN, FORREST, RUN!
FORREST: *runs*
BULLIES: *bikes*
FORREST: *runs*
BULLIES: *bikes*
FORREST’S LEG BRACES: *dies*
FORREST: w00t!
JOHN WILLIAMS’ SOUNDTRACK: *pumps up a notch*
BULLIES: *stop because apparently bikes don’t work well on leveled grassy fields*
BULLY #2: Let’s try again when we have a car.
BULLY #1: This town is so boring.
Jenny’s House
FORREST: *runs up to Jenny* How did you get here so fast? You were just at my driveway with me.
JENNY: Quiet, daddy is sleeping.
DADDY: Jenny!?!?
JENNY: Dang! Run!
FORREST: *runs too fast for Jenny to keep up and ruins all the crops*
Gump Driveway Again
HIGH SCHOOL-AGED FORREST AND JENNY: *walk*
OLDER BULLY #1: *throws rock*
OLDER BULLY #2: Haha! Let’s see you outrun us now.
JENNY: *turns to Forrest*
FORREST: Run, Forrest, run?
JENNY: *nods*
FORREST: *turns and runs*
OLDER BULLY #3: *drives*
FORREST: *runs*
OLDER BULLIES: *drives*
FORREST: *runs*
OLDER BULLIES: *drives*
FORREST: OMG, SO CLOSE!
OLDER BULLIES: OMG, SO CLOSE!
FORREST: *veer*
OLDER BULLIES: *veer*
FORREST: *runs to football field where University of Alabama try-outs just happen to be going on*
QUARTERBACK: *throws*
FORREST: *runs*
RECEIVER: *catches and sees Forrest* Hey, you’re not allowed to be on this…
TACKLER: *tackles*
RECEIVER: ...ouch, my hip!
University of Alabama
KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *catches and runs over to Forrest* Coach says you are better than me. Take this and run.
FORREST: But no one is throwing rocks at me.
KICK OFF RETURN PLAYER: *throws rock*
FORREST: Crap. *runs*
THE OTHER TEAM: *misses tackles and feels stupid*
FORREST: Stupid is as stupid does. *runs to touchdown, and through a lost group of marching band members, and through the stadium exit, and through the campus grounds, and to the main entrance of the university*
Main Entrance of the University
NEWS REPORTER CHET HUNTLEY: Federal troops enforcing a court order integrated the University of Alabama today. Governor George Wallace had carried out his symbolic threat to stand in the schoolhouse door.
FORREST: Earl, what’s going on?
EARL: Coons are tryin’ to get into school.
FORREST: Coons!? Well, they be trying to get on our back porch, but momma just fights them off with a broom.
EARL: Not raccoons, you idiot! The N-word.
FORREST: ...
EARL: ...
FORREST: ...
EARL: *whispers* Niggers.
FORREST: I know… and?
EARL: *blinks*
GOVERNOR WALLACE: *dies*
Some Park Bench
NURSE: I can’t believe you said the N-word. Good day to you, sir! *leaves on bus*
SINGLE MOM (NOT JENNY): I remember when Wallace got shot.
FORREST: Who?
SINGLE MOM: Wallace. The guy that didn’t want those students entering the school.
FORREST: …
SINGLE MOM: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: Jenny went to an all-girls college.
All-girls College (Future Girls Gone Wild Headquarters)
JENNY: *hits head against car window* Ouch ba-ba-ba-ba!
FORREST: *walks over to car and opens driver’s side door* I KEEL YOU! *punches*
BILLY: *can’t protect himself from a mentally handicapped man*
THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they’re allowed to laugh*
Inside Jenny’s Dorm Room
JENNY: You ever been with a girl before Forrest?
FORREST: I sit next to them in home ec. class.
JENNY: No, I mean… *shows breasts*
FORREST: *stares at breasts*
JENNY: *still feeling frisky makes Forrest touch her breasts*
FORREST: *orgasm*
JENNY: *sighs*
ADAM HERZ: Hmmmm…
FORREST: I think I ruined your roommate’s robe.
JENNY: She’s a bitch.
White House
NARRATOR FORREST: I got put on the All-American Football Team, so I got to meet the President of the United States.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: How does it feel to be an All-American?
FORREST: I gotta pee.
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: I believe he said he had to go pee.
THE AUDIENCE: No way! JFK said that!
THE FORREST GUMP SPECIAL EFFECT DEPARTMENT: SO EASY!
PHOTOSHOPPERS: SO EASY! *make pictures of JFK doing Marilyn Monroe*
PRESIDENT KENNEDY: *dies*
ROBERT KENNEDY: *dies*
University of Alabama
FORREST: *receives diploma*
MILITARY RECRUITER: *snarls* Congratulations, son. Have you given any thought to your future?
FORREST: To?
Army Bus
RECRUIT #1: Seat’s taken.
RECRUIT #2: Taken.
TOM HANKS’ DAUGHTER: Can’t sit here.
BLACK MAN: You can sit here, shrimp.
FORREST: *sits*
BLACK MAN: You ever been on a real shrimp boat, shrimp?
FORREST: No.
BLACK MAN: I have all my life, shrimp. The name is Bubba, shrimp.
FORREST: Okay, Bubba Shrimp.
BLACK MAN: No, just Bubba, shrimp.
FORREST: That’s what I said, Bubba Shrimp.
BLACK MAN: NO!!! Just Bub-ba… shrimp.
FORREST: You confuse me Shrimp.
Army Barracks
DRILL SERGEANT: GUMP! What’s your sole purpose in the Army!?!?
FORREST: To do whatever you tell me, Drill Sergeant!
DRILL SERGEANT: *makes him do 200 push-ups and flutter kicks for making such a smartass remark*
THE AUDIENCE: *still aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*
Army Barracks, Another Day
BUBBA: *assembles rifle slowly* On a good day, you can catch over a hundred pounds of shrimp.
FORREST: *finishes assembling gun* Done, Drill Sergeant!
DRILL SERGEANT: I lessthanthree you Gump! Now disassemble!
FORREST: *begins disassembling*
BUBBA: Before I was so rudely interrupted, shrimp is the fruit of the sea. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. There’s shrimp kabobs, shrimp creole...
Another Day
BUBBA: ...shrimp gumbo, panfried, deep fried, stir fried. There's pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp...
Yet Another Day
BUBBA: ...shrimp soup, shrimp stew, shrimp salad, shrimp and potatoes, shrimp burger, shrimp sandwich... that's, that's about it.
FORREST: *head explodes ending the movie*
THE AUDIENCE: OMG! Poor Forrest! He got shrimp-talked to death! We want our money back!
FORREST: *stops and stares at Bubba then continues working*
THE AUDIENCE: AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I smell an Oscar!
FORREST: I wonder what Jenny is doing.
Memphis Night Club
EMCEE: Here’s Jen… I mean, Bobbie Dylan!
CROWD: More like Boobie Dylan.
FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *punches crowd*
JENNY: What are you doing, Forrest!?
FORREST: *picks up fully nude Jenny, but doesn’t have an orgasm for some reason this time*
JENNY: Let me down!
Some Memphis Bridge
JENNY: Think I can fly off this bridge?
FORREST: What?
JENNY: Nothing. I’m out.
FORREST: So, they’re sending me to Vietnam.
JENNY: Run Forrest run.
Firebase/4th Platoon
BUBBA: I bet there’s shrimp all in these waters.
FORREST: *sighs*
OFFICER: You must be my new F.N.G.’s. *snickers*
FORREST AND BUBBA: *salute*
SNIPER: *snipes* Headshot!
OFFICER: Dang it! Look what you did! Don’t ever salute me again! BTW, my name is Lieutenant Dan Taylor, but for some reason I like using my first name after my rank because Lieutenant Taylor sounds dumb. Now, take care of your socks and don’t kill yourself.
FORREST: I’m SO screwed.
Dirt Road
LT. DAN: Get down! Shut up!
THE PLATOON: *gets down, shuts up*
LT. DAN: *low-crawls around a bush*
SQUIRREL: *runs away frightened*
LT. DAN: On your feet. Move out.
Encampment
NARRATOR FORREST: I thought about Jenny a lot.
Jenny’s Grandmother’s Trailer
JENNY: I’m out.
Jungle
THE PLATOON: *takes fire*
LT. DAN: Take cover!
SOLDIERS: *die*
LT. DAN: Pull back!
BUBBA: Run, Forrest, run!
FORREST: You’re not Jenny. *turns and runs*
GRENADE: *explodes*
FORREST: *reaches river* Bubba? Not good. *runs back into jungle*
TEX: Forrest!
FORREST: Where are you from again?
TEX: Get me out of here!
FORREST: *carries Tex to the river and goes back into the jungle*
DALLAS: Forrest!
FORREST: You aren’t Bubba.
DALLAS: Come on!
FORREST: *carries Dallas to the river and goes back into the jungle*
LT. DAN: Charlie is everywhere!
FORREST: *doesn’t remember a Charlie in his platoon*
LT. DAN: I gotta have those fast movers in here now!
FORREST: Piggy back!
LT. DAN: No! Leave me to die here!
FORREST: *carries Lt. Dan to the river, but gets shot in the butt* BAD TOUCH!
LT. DAN: *pulls out pistol and fires at the ground* WAHHHHHHH!
FORREST: *gets back up and carries Lt. Dan to the river and goes back in the jungle*
BUBBA: Shrimp…
FORREST: Bubba? *carries Bubba to the river just as air strike napes the whole jungle*
NARRATOR FORREST: If I’d a known this was gonna be the last time me and Bubba was gonna talk, I’d a thought of something better to say.
FORREST: I really miss 99 cent taco Mondays.
BUBBA: *dies*
Some Park
FORREST: And that was that.
RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: It was a bullet that got you in the butt, right?
FORREST: Duh!
THE AUDIENCE: *aren’t sure if they are allowed to laugh*
Army Hospital Beds
FORREST: *wearing a man diaper* I brought you ice cream Lt. Dan.
LT. DAN: This is what I think of your stupid ice cream. *takes ice cream and puts it in bed pan* Get it!? Crap!
MALE NURSE: Time for your bath L.T.
LT. DAN: Best part of my day.
Army Hospital Common Room
PING-PONG BALL: *hits Forrest in the head*
FORREST: Run, Forrest, run! *begins to run*
WOUNDED BLACK SOLDIER: Stop Forrest! Let me show you how to play ping-pong.
SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: *nudges male nurse and whispers* This oughtta be good.
NARRATOR FORREST: For some reason, ping-pong came very natural to me.
MALE NURSE: Pwn’d! Bath time.
SOME OTHER WOUNDED SOLDIER: Crap.
Army Hospital Rec. Room
OFFICER: P.F.C. Gump?
FORREST: *stands at attention* Yes, sir!
SNIPER: *snipes* Own’d.
OFFICER: Dang it! How many times do we have to tell you people! *frustrated sigh* Here. Medal of Honor letter.
White House
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: *places Medal of Honor on Forrest* I heard you got shot. Where?
FORREST: In the buttocks, sir.
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: I’d kinda like to see that.
FORREST: *reveals wound*
PRESIDENT JOHNSON: Yes, well… *cough*
Lincoln Memorial
CRAZY HIPPIE WOMAN: *gathers the vets, including Forrest and takes them to a stage in front of a rally*
VET: *taps Forrest on the shoulder* You’re a good man for doing this.
FORREST: You smell like bacon fat.
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *motions to Forrest* Effin’ come up here man.
FORREST: *walks up to microphone*
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Tell us a little bit about the effin’ war, man.
FORREST: The war in Vietnam?
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: *sarcastically* No, the war in effin’ Canada!
FORREST: ...
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Get off my stage.
JENNY: *wades out into the reflection pool* Forrest!
FORREST: Jenny! *runs down into reflection pool*
JENNY: *hug*
FORREST: *hug*
HIPPIES: Yay for hugs! *hugs*
ANTI-WAR ACTIVIST: Isn’t that illegal or something?
Black Panther Headquarters
BLACK PANTHER: Hey, cracka! Get away from the window!
FORREST: *eyes Ritz crackers on the table by the window and moves them away*
BLACK PANTHER: ...
HIPPIE GUY: Jenny, where have you been?
JENNY: Wesley, meet my good friend Forrest Gump.
WESLEY: Whatev.
JENNY: Well, you’re about to meet him very well in about 10 seconds.
WESLEY: *slaps Jenny*
FORREST: I KEEL YOU! *tackles Wesley and punches him*
THE AUDIENCE: *looks around at each other to see if anyone is laughing*
BLACK PANTHER: Out.
Washington, D.C.
NARRATOR FORREST: Jenny told me about all the travelin’ she’s done.
Route 66 Flashback
JENNY: *hitches a ride*
Commune in New Mexico Flashback
JENNY: *eats a sugar cube of acid*
Hollywood Walk of Fame Flashback
JENNY: *hitches a ride to San Francisco*
JEAN HARLOW STAR: My curves aren’t what they used to be.
Back in Washington, D.C.
FORREST: Don’t go.
JENNY: I have to go get AIDS though. *gets on bus with Wesley*
FORREST: *glare of death*
China Ping-pong Tournament
NARRATOR FORREST: They sent me to China to play ping-pong on the All-American Ping-Pong Team.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
CHINESE PING-PONG PLAYER: Ping.
FORREST: Pong.
The Dick Cavett Show
DICK CAVETT: Here is Forrest Gump.
FORREST: *sits*
DICK CAVETT: Forrest Gump, meet John Lennon.
FORREST: Your name reminds me of citrus-ey goodness.
JOHN LENNON: ...
NARRATOR FORREST: No wonder he got shot.
THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*
Outside the Studio
LT. DAN: *in wheelchair* They gave you the Medal of Honor!?
FORREST: Yes, sir.
LT. DAN: They gave you the Medal… of… Honor?
FORREST: *looks left and right* Yes, sir.
LT. DAN: *attempts suicide by sliding down an icy ramp in his wheelchair*
Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room
LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?
FORREST: I thought we were looking for Charlie.
LT. DAN: ...
FORREST: ...
LT. DAN: Go get me booze.
FORREST: *leaves*
Times Square Bar
DICK CLARK: *on TV* I hope I get to do a few more of these New Year’s things.
FORREST: So, I promised Bubba that I would go into the shrimpin’ business after the war.
LT. DAN: You’re joking, right?
FORREST: No, sir.
LT. DAN: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! If you ever become a shrimp boat captain, I’ll be your astronaut that gets stuck on Earth, but will save you from death in space because I got ill before we had to leave for our mission.
FORREST: First mate would do fine.
SLUTTY GIRL: *walks up to Lt. Dan* Hey baby!
LT. DAN: Hey, slutty hoe Carla and big boobs Lenore.
BIG BOOBS LENORE: *points at the TV* Hey, we was just there!
FORREST: You were at Dick Clark?
EVERYONE: HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Lt. Dan’s Hotel Room
LENORE: *kisses Forrest and reaches for his crotch*
FORREST: *stands up causing her to fall down*
CARLA: Is your friend stupid or something?
LT. DAN: *slap*
CARLA AND LENORE: *run away*
LT. DAN: *falls out of wheelchair*
FORREST: *tries to help*
LT. DAN: No. *pulls himself back up into his wheelchair*
FORREST: I’m sorry Lt. Dan. She tasted like cigarettes.
LT. DAN: Meh, that’s alright Forrest. Mine tasted like excrement. Happy New Year.
White House
NARRATOR FORREST: I got to see the President again, but this time I didn’t do anything embarrassing!
PRESIDENT NIXON: You should stay at this brand new hotel.
The Watergate Hotel
FORREST: *on the phone* Yeah, sir, there’s these people playing flashlight tag in the room across the way and it’s keeping me awake.
SECURITY GUARD: Okay, sir. I’ll try to get them to stop.
FORREST: No, sir. I want to play too.
SECURITY GUARD: ...
FORREST : ...
SECURITY GUARD: *hangs up*
Gymnasium
OFFICER: Sergeant Gump!
FORREST: *stand at attention* Yes, sir?
OFFICER: *dives and takes cover*
SNIPER: *misses* Darn.
OFFICER: *gets back up* Ha-ha! You’re out, son.
FORREST: I’m out.
Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Welcome home, son. We’ve had all sorts of visitors.
FORREST: Wow, look at all this ping-pong stuff.
MRS. GUMP: One man left a check for 25 thousand dollars if you’d be agreeable to saying you like using their paddle.
FORREST: As long as they don’t want to see my buttocks.
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
BUBBA’S MOM: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
OLD SHRIMPER: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST: I’m going into the shrimpin’ business.
BUBBA’S DEAD BODY: Heck ya, shrimp!
FORREST: I only caught five today.
OLD SHRIMPER: Are you shrimp cocktail or something? You should name your boat.
FORREST: *goes with the obvious and names the boat Jenny*
THE AUDIENCE: I totally guessed that one.
FORREST: She’s an angel. I wonder what she’s doing right now…
Disco
JENNY: *does smack*
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: I hope she’s happy doing whatever she’s doing.
Apartment
JENNY: *walks out onto the ledge and considers jumping but doesn’t and instead rocks back and forth while crying*
Bayou la Batre
FORREST: *sigh*
LT. DAN: *waits on dock*
FORREST: Lieutenant Dan! *jumps off boat and swims to Lt. Dan*
LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?
FORREST’S SHRIMPING BOAT: *crashes into a dock*
Bayou la Batre Waters
LT. DAN: *points left* That way!
FORREST: *steers right*
LT. DAN: Do you not know your left from your right, Gump?
FORREST: *stops for a second and continues turning right*
LT. DAN: Other way…
FORREST: *finally steers in correct direction*
LT. DAN: That is where we’ll find ‘em. I’m sure of it! I’ll bet my left leg on that.
FORREST: *shrimps* No shrimp although I bet Bubba’s mom could turn this toilet seat into a mighty fine stew.
LT. DAN: Have you found Jesus yet?
The Boat
RAIN: *rains*
WIND: *winds*
LT. DAN: You’ll never sink this boat, Lord! BWAHAHAHAHA!
THE LORD: Meh, I could if I wanted to.
RAIN: *dies*
WIND: *dies*
FORREST: *shrimps* OMFG! Look at all this shrimp!
NARRATOR FORREST: And that’s how the Bubba Gump Shrimp Corporation got started.
Some Park
RUSH LIMBAUGH LOOK-A-LIKE: I don’t believe. *walks away laughing hysterically*
ELDERLY WOMAN: Great story.
FORREST: I’m for reals.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Suuuure, hon’.
FORREST: Here’s a picture. *shows magazine cover*
ELDERLY WOMAN: I don’t have my glasses on.
FORREST: On?
The Boat
LT. DAN: Forrest, I never thanked you for saving my life.
FORREST: I was trying to save Bubba.
LT. DAN: What!?
FORREST: Nothing, shrimp.
LT. DAN: *jumps… erm… flings self into ocean*
FORREST: You’re welcome.
PRESIDENT FORD: *dies* Actually, I’m feeling better.
NEWS REPORTER: No you’re not; you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
PRESIDENT FORD: I feel happy!
THE AUDIENCE: Wait… this is from Monty Python.
RADIO: Base to Jenny Five Hundred and Sixty-seven.
LT. DAN: This is Jenny Five Six Seven.
RADIO: Forrest’s momma is sick.
FORREST: *jumps in ocean*
LT. DAN: I hate people that can swim with their legs.
Gump House
MRS. GUMP: Hey, Forrest!
FORREST: Momma, what’s wrong with you?
MRS. GUMP: Oh nothing, I’m fine!
FORREST: Why are you dyin’?
THE AUDIENCE: *tear*
MRS. GUMP: It’s just destiny.
FORREST: What’s my destiny?
MRS. GUMP: Well, according to that feather, your destiny is to be stuck on the inside cover of a Curious George book.
NARRATOR FORREST: Momma always had a way of explaining things so I could understand them. She got the cancer and dieded.
THE AUDIENCE: We need more tissues! Woe!
Outside Gump House
NARRATOR FORREST: Now, because I basically wrote history, I mowed lawns for a living and I did it for free.
FORREST: *mows*
JENNY: *arrives*
FORREST: *stops*
JENNY: *stops*
FORREST: ...
THE AUDIENCE: *gasp*
JENNY: Hey...
FORREST: *HUGGERZZZZZZZ!*
THE AUDIENCE: Seriously! Where are the tissues!?!?
THE KLEENEX COMPANY: We’re still on back order because of last year’s Schindler’s List.
Countryside
JENNY: *throws rocks at old house*
FORREST: *watches*
JENNY: *falls*
FORREST: The last time someone threw rocks around me, you told me to run.
JENNY: I wasn’t trying to hit you.
FORREST: I didn’t think so, because if I did, I think I would be in Seattle by now.
Inside the Gump House
JENNY: *turns TV off*
FORREST: Marry me.
JENNY: You don’t want to marry me.
FORREST: Why not?
JENNY: Well, I’m a crack whore who did PCP while surfing over UDP and capturing TCP packets on IDS with two monitors on at the same time with A1C’s and SSgt’s who took their CDC’s during their IQT’s with certainty.
FORREST: I’m not a smart man, so I have no idea what you just said.
JENNY: I won’t marry you, but I’ll give you pity sex.
Forrest’s Bedroom
FORREST AND JENNY: *have pity sex*
JENNY: *gets in taxi and leaves*
THE SOUND: *goes out for, like, five minutes*
FORREST: *runs, Forrest, runs*
Barber Shop
FORREST: *runs*
Alabama Road
FORREST: *runs*
Santa Monica
FORREST: *runs*
Atlantic Ocean
FORREST: *runs*
Special Olympics
FORREST: *runs*
CROWD: He beat two trees!
Highway
FORREST: *runs*
Coffee Shop
TV: *shows Forrest running*
JENNY: OMG! I had pity sex with that guy!
NEWS REPORTER: Sir, why are you running?
FORREST: I know, it’s weird. No rocks being thrown at me and no people shooting at me.
NARRATOR FORREST: Eventually, people wanted to run with me.
THE AUDIENCE: Wait… so, we’re supposed to believe that this guy created the “Sh*t happens” bumper stick and the “Have a nice day” smiley face?
ROBERT ZEMECKIS: Well, yeah. You believed he met J.F.K., right?
THE AUDIENCE: True.
Monument Valley
FORREST: *stops running after a billion years*
RUNNER: Shut up. He’s going to say something.
FORREST: I just remembered that I forgot to close my garage door. I think I’ll go home now.
RUNNER: I can’t believe I did something crazy like this without being drunk or high.
Some Park Bench
FORREST: And then, out of the blue, I got a letter from Jenny asking me to come see her.
ELDERLY WOMAN: Let me see what her address is. You didn’t need to wait for a bus and tell all those stories. Her place is just about five or six blocks down that way. You can just run, Forrest, run.
FORREST: *is gone*
Jenny’s Apartment
JENNY: Hey!
FORREST: Hey.
BABYSITTER: Hey.
KID: Hey.
JENNY: This is Mr. Gump.
KID: Hey.
FORREST: Hey.
JENNY: He’s your son Forrest.
FORREST: Hey!
JENNY: ...
FORREST: I mean, what!?
JENNY: It’s okay, go watch Sesame Street with him.
FORREST: He’s already smarter than me.
THE AUDIENCE: Everything is going so well.
Gump House
LOUISE: Forrest, it’s time to start.
JENNY: *walks out wearing the ugliest wedding dress known to woman*
LT. DAN: *walks, that’s right, walks up*
FORREST: You got new legs!?!?
LT. DAN: Are you stupid or something?
JENNY: That’s what I said when I first met him, too.
FORREST AND JENNY: *get married*
JENNY: *dies*
Jenny’s Grave at Old Oak Tree
THE AUDIENCE: NOOOOOOOO! WHY!?!? Why did she have to do all those drugs!?!?
FORREST: I had you placed under our favorite tree, I had a bulldozer take down your father’s house, and Mini-Me Forrest is better than me at everything.
THE AUDIENCE: *wipe tears and blow noses on theatre seats*
Road
FORREST: Here’s the bus. Be good.
MINI-ME FORREST: *walks up to bus and stops*
BUS DRIVER: Are you comin’ along?
MINI-ME FORREST: Weren’t you on Saturday Night Live?
BUS DRIVER: *fawn*
BUS: *drives away*
FEATHER: *attacks camera lens*
FIN.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
