CAM: Juliana, did you go poo-poo?
JULIANA: No.
CAM: Are you lying?
JULIANA: Yes. Lying.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Me No Pause: The Return
CAM: While waiting in line for the bus this morning...
OLDER WOMAN: How are you doing this morning?
YOUNGER WOMAN: Good. I'm freezing though.
OLDER WOMAN: Get menopause!
YOUNGER WOMAN: Excuse me?
OLDER WOMAN: Seriously! Get menopause. You won't have any of those types of problems anymore.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *is just as shocked and embarrassed as everyone else*
OLDER WOMAN: The other day, I was on the bus and the male driver turned around and asked the passengers how the temperature was on the bus. It was hot as Hell; I was sweating. And this male passenger next to me has the nerve to reply back, "We're comfortable." I was like, "You're not the one going through menopause right now!" He didn't quite know what to say to that.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *and neither does she*
OLDER WOMAN: How are you doing this morning?
YOUNGER WOMAN: Good. I'm freezing though.
OLDER WOMAN: Get menopause!
YOUNGER WOMAN: Excuse me?
OLDER WOMAN: Seriously! Get menopause. You won't have any of those types of problems anymore.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *is just as shocked and embarrassed as everyone else*
OLDER WOMAN: The other day, I was on the bus and the male driver turned around and asked the passengers how the temperature was on the bus. It was hot as Hell; I was sweating. And this male passenger next to me has the nerve to reply back, "We're comfortable." I was like, "You're not the one going through menopause right now!" He didn't quite know what to say to that.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *and neither does she*
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Me No Pause
CAM: Had this happen on the bus about five minutes ago.
OLDER WOMAN: *steps on bus* Wow, it's hot in here.
BUS DRIVER: *giggle*
YOUNGER WOMAN: I love it. I was freezing standing outside.
OLDER WOMAN: You're obviously not at menopause yet.
CAM: *backs away slowly as if she has a highly contagious disease*
OLDER WOMAN: *steps on bus* Wow, it's hot in here.
BUS DRIVER: *giggle*
YOUNGER WOMAN: I love it. I was freezing standing outside.
OLDER WOMAN: You're obviously not at menopause yet.
CAM: *backs away slowly as if she has a highly contagious disease*
Monday, June 01, 2009
Mac vs. PC
CAM: I like Macs, but I'm still a bigger PC fan. I enjoy the advertising from both Microsoft and Apple. Microsoft's commercials are much more intelligent, but Apple's are much more creative. Quite reflective of the Operating Systems themselves. Apple's claims can be misleading (Macs crash too... trust me, I fix them on a daily basis), but it's how they talk about usability that ultimately earns them more points. Watching one of the most recent ads, I decided to write my own that I think truly hits both companies' weaknesses.
MAC: Hello, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MEGAN: And I'm a Megan.
PC: I brought a whole range of PCs for Megan to pick from. What do you need Megan?
MEGAN: I need a computer that can be supported by English speaking over-the-phone support technicians that I can actually understand.
FIVE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Okay, and what else do you need?
MEGAN: Well, I need a computer that works well with my creative and artistic lifestyle.
TWO PCS: *walk away*
PC: And next?
MEGAN: Last, I need a computer that doesn't come bloated with tons of useless manufacturer software.
THE REST OF THE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Well, she's all yours Mac. *walks away*
MAC: Great, I'm glad we cleared that all up. Now, Megan, tell me what you need.
MEGAN: I need a computer that costs under $600.
MAC: *walks away*
MAC: Hello, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MEGAN: And I'm a Megan.
PC: I brought a whole range of PCs for Megan to pick from. What do you need Megan?
MEGAN: I need a computer that can be supported by English speaking over-the-phone support technicians that I can actually understand.
FIVE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Okay, and what else do you need?
MEGAN: Well, I need a computer that works well with my creative and artistic lifestyle.
TWO PCS: *walk away*
PC: And next?
MEGAN: Last, I need a computer that doesn't come bloated with tons of useless manufacturer software.
THE REST OF THE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Well, she's all yours Mac. *walks away*
MAC: Great, I'm glad we cleared that all up. Now, Megan, tell me what you need.
MEGAN: I need a computer that costs under $600.
MAC: *walks away*
Monday, January 12, 2009
Twilight D/S
Disclaimer: Twilight was a meh movie. It was fun to see images in my head come to life, but I thought the movie quality was terrible. It should be pretty easy to make fun of it. I saw that Cleo recently wrote a m15m on this and refused to read it so I wouldn’t steal any jokes. So, any similarities are purely coincidental. I still think she’s hilarious. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Twilight Error."
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’sVulva Volvo
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’s
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
LOST - Pilot Part 2 in D/S
Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. I’ve already written a D/S for Part 1 of the Pilot episode, so I figured I should do one for Part 2. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but if I receive enough comments, I might be motivated to do more. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Lost 2 Error."
Welcome Back to the Jungle
CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?
JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!
KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?
CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.
KATE: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".
KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.
Previously on Oceanic Flight 815
CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?
CHARLIE: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.
CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to usethe bathroom drugs*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!
CHARLIE: Just a minute!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!
CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*
PLANE: *shakes*
CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.
The Beach (Not the Leo One)
BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.
SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?
BOONE: *walks away*
CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?
SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.
CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.
SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.
CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.
SHANNON: Boy or girl?
CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.
SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*
Tide Pools
MICHAEL: WALT!?
SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]
MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!
WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.
Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)
SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!
SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.
SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*
KATE: This is hot.
SHANNON: This is hot.
HURLEY: I’m hungry.
SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!
KATE: We found a transceiver.
SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.
HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?
SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.
HURLEY: Let’s be friends.
Later at the Beach
KATE: *takes a sexy bath*
SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]
KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?
SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.
Over by Jack
KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?
JACK: He’s still pulling through.
KATE: I’m going on a hike.
JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?
KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.
JACK: lol, k.
Same Beach, Different Scene
JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*
HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.
WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*
FORESHADOW: What have we here?
MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?
WALT: No.
MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?
WALT: ...
MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.
JACK: Hey, fatty.
HURLEY: ?
JACK: Help me find drugs.
CHARLIE: You can’t have them!
JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*
Over By the Incest Twins
BOONE: What’s wrong?
SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.
BOONE: What’s that?
SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.
BOONE: You’re so dumb.
SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.
BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.
SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.
KATE: No kids allowed.
SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.
KATE: You’re hired.
CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.
KATE: You’re hired, too.
The Island Knife Store
MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?
JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?
MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.
JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?
MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.
JACK: A lab?
MICHAEL: Yes!
JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.
MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?
JACK: I was sort of saving lives.
LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*
WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?
LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?
WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*
JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*
CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.
CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*
CLAIRE: It’s a boy!
JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]
In a Clearing in the Jungle
SAWYER: Try the radio now.
SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]
SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*
EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*
SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*
BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?
CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?
BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?
CHARLIE: Touché.
Island General Hospital
JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?
HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.
JACK: How do you like your steaks?
HURLEY: Rare.
JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.
HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.
Back with the Exploring Group
KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?
SAWYER: Probably bear village.
CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.
KATE: Where did you get the gun from?
SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.
SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?
EVERYONE ELSE: ...
SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.
SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.
SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*
KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*
SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.
Flashback to Kate’s Ways
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?
KATE: No, thanks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?
MARSHAL: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?
MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*
MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.
KATE: Nice?
MARSHAL: White.
KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?
PLANE: *splits apart*
KATE: Nevermind!
Jack at Marshal’s
MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?
JACK: A name would help.
Groupies
SAYID: *turns on transceiver*
SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.
SAYID: We’ve got one bar!
BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.
SAYID: I’m getting feedback.
CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?
SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.
KATE: Can we listen to it?
SAYID: Let me find the frequency.
TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.
CHARLIE: The French are coming!
BOONE: That’s what that smell is.
KATE: What is it saying?
BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.
SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."
SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.
BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?
CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...
FIN.
Welcome Back to the Jungle
CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?
JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!
KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?
CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.
KATE: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".
KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.
Previously on Oceanic Flight 815
CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?
CHARLIE: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.
CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to use
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!
CHARLIE: Just a minute!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!
CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*
PLANE: *shakes*
CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.
The Beach (Not the Leo One)
BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.
SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?
BOONE: *walks away*
CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?
SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.
CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.
SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.
CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.
SHANNON: Boy or girl?
CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.
SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*
Tide Pools
MICHAEL: WALT!?
SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]
MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!
WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.
Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)
SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!
SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.
SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*
KATE: This is hot.
SHANNON: This is hot.
HURLEY: I’m hungry.
SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!
KATE: We found a transceiver.
SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.
HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?
SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.
HURLEY: Let’s be friends.
Later at the Beach
KATE: *takes a sexy bath*
SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]
KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?
SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.
Over by Jack
KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?
JACK: He’s still pulling through.
KATE: I’m going on a hike.
JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?
KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.
JACK: lol, k.
Same Beach, Different Scene
JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*
HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.
WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*
FORESHADOW: What have we here?
MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?
WALT: No.
MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?
WALT: ...
MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.
JACK: Hey, fatty.
HURLEY: ?
JACK: Help me find drugs.
CHARLIE: You can’t have them!
JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*
Over By the Incest Twins
BOONE: What’s wrong?
SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.
BOONE: What’s that?
SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.
BOONE: You’re so dumb.
SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.
BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.
SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.
KATE: No kids allowed.
SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.
KATE: You’re hired.
CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.
KATE: You’re hired, too.
The Island Knife Store
MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?
JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?
MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.
JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?
MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.
JACK: A lab?
MICHAEL: Yes!
JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.
MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?
JACK: I was sort of saving lives.
LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*
WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?
LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?
WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*
JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*
CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.
CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*
CLAIRE: It’s a boy!
JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]
In a Clearing in the Jungle
SAWYER: Try the radio now.
SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]
SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*
EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*
SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*
BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?
CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?
BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?
CHARLIE: Touché.
Island General Hospital
JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?
HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.
JACK: How do you like your steaks?
HURLEY: Rare.
JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.
HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.
Back with the Exploring Group
KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?
SAWYER: Probably bear village.
CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.
KATE: Where did you get the gun from?
SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.
SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?
EVERYONE ELSE: ...
SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.
SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.
SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*
KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*
SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.
Flashback to Kate’s Ways
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?
KATE: No, thanks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?
MARSHAL: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?
MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*
MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.
KATE: Nice?
MARSHAL: White.
KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?
PLANE: *splits apart*
KATE: Nevermind!
Jack at Marshal’s
MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?
JACK: A name would help.
Groupies
SAYID: *turns on transceiver*
SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.
SAYID: We’ve got one bar!
BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.
SAYID: I’m getting feedback.
CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?
SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.
KATE: Can we listen to it?
SAYID: Let me find the frequency.
TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.
CHARLIE: The French are coming!
BOONE: That’s what that smell is.
KATE: What is it saying?
BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.
SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."
SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.
BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?
CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...
FIN.
Monday, October 06, 2008
Back to the Future D/S
Disclaimer: Back to the Future is a movie that I remember watching as a young boy. Along with other classics like Star Wars and Indiana Jones, BTTF holds a very special place in my movie history. I think it’s very creative and incredibly well-written and directed. I mostly used the DVD and the script from IMSDb to create this. Sorry for all the poop jokes. If I get enough positive comments, I’ll do the sequels... eventually. Thanks to my wife, Bethany, for helping with editing and encouragement. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "BTTF Error."
Somewhere in Space
THE OLD UNIVERSAL LOGO: *appears*
THE AUDIENCE: The Earth looks so old!
ROBERT ZEMECKIS: That’s because they wouldn’t let me soak it in water first.
Some Garage with a Buncha Stuff
TON O’ CLOCKS: *appear*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder what this movie is about?
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tick*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder...
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tock*
THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha! This movie is about time!
A LONG SERIES OF CONTRAPTIONS: *starts*
RADIO: *turns on*
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to have your mind blown away by this movie. It will make you think about the ‘80s. It will make you wonder about time travel. It may even make you think about your hot momma when she was younger.
FREUD: Told you.
TV: *turns on*
TV NEWS ANCHOR: Some plutonium may have been stolen.
DOOR: *opens*
SOME BOY: Doc?
SKATEBOARD: *runs into plutonium*
SOME BOY: *turns amp knobs*
LOAD HUMMING: *ensues*
SOME BOY: *plays a guitar note*
GINORMOUS SPEAKER: I KEEL YOU!
SOME BOY: *flies back and is somehow not deaf now*
THE AUDIENCE: Holy cow! I didn’t know Tom Cruise was in this movie!?
SOME BOY: *takes off sunglasses*
THE AUDIENCE: Oh. It’s just Michael Gay Fox.
TELEPHONE: Answer me.
SOME BOY: Hello?
CALLER: Marty is that you?
MARTY: Doc?
CAM: Good, now I can use their names.
DOC: Good thing you just so happened to be at my own house when I called.
MARTY: Where are you?
DOC: Meet me at 1:15 at the mall.
MARTY: 1:15 in the morning? I’m not supposed to meet with old scary men that late.
DOC: Just do it. And bring the camcorder with you.
MARTY: Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel any safer.
TON O’ CLOCKS: *all go off*
DOC: Are those my clocks I hear?
MARTY: Werd.
DOC: Great! They’re all 25 minutes late!
MARTY: Hold up, hold up. It’s really 8:25?
DOC: Yes.
MARTY: *runs off camera*
PHONE: *remains in air a few seconds and then falls*
Outside on the Way to School
‘80’S MUSIC: *plays*
MARTY: *skateboards to '80s music while holding onto the back of various vehicles*
EVERY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WATCHING: Cool! I’m going to try that.
Hill Valley High School
MARTY: Yo, Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Don’t go this way, the principal is on the hunt for you.
MARTY: It’s not my fault this time. The Doc put all his clocks 25 minutes slow.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You’re still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly?
MARTY: Yeah, man. He’s cool people.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: ...
JENNIFER: ...
MARTY: Just give me my tardy slip.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: McFly, Dr. Brown is a total nut. You stick around him and you’ll turn into one too.
MARTY: Sweet. I love cashews.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You act just as dumb as your father when he went here.
MARTY: May I please be excused?
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: I heard your band is going to audition for the school dance. You don’t have a chance because you carry your father’s genes. No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.
MARTY: Yeah, well, history is going to change.
FORESHADOWING: At its most obvious.
School Gymnasium
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: My band is called "The Pinheads".
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: WTF!?
Hill Valley Town Square
ELECTION VAN: Re-elect Mayor Wilson! Foreshadow, foreshadow, foreshadow!
MARTY: Can you believe that?
JENNIFER: What? A black politician?
MARTY: No! The whole band thing! We’ll never get a chance to play in front of anybody.
JENNIFER: You tried once. It’s not the end of the world. Did you know some of the people that audition on American Idol have had to do it up to three times before they were let through?
MARTY: I just don’t think I’m good at mus... wait. What’s American Idol?
JENNIFER: You’ll find out... in the future.
NICE TRUCK: *drives by*
MARTY: WHAT!?!?
JENNIFER: Haha, I knew I’d get your attentio...
MARTY: No, no, no! I mean, WHAT an awesome 4 x 4! Some day I’m going to own that. That’s hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
CLOCK LADY: Save the clock tower!
MARTY: Dude, I was just about to get some.
CLOCK LADY: Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower, and the clock hasn’t run since.
MARTY: Okay, fine! Here’s a quarter.
CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
JENNIFER’S DAD: *honks horn*
JENNIFER: Crap, I gotta go.
MARTY: What does a guy have to do to get laid around here?
El McFly Casa
BIFF: I can’t believe you would give me a car with a blind spot. I could’ve been killed.
GEORGE: Biff, all cars have blind spots. Hi, Marty.
BIFF: Are you blind, McFly? Did you see your car out there?
GEORGE: I’m sure your insurance will cover it.
BIFF: It’s your car, you’re paying for it. And where are those TPS reports I asked you for?
GEORGE: Uh, I haven’t finished those yet.
BIFF: *plays knock-knock with George’s head*
GEORGE: Who’s... there?
BIFF: Those look like comfortable shoes.
GEORGE: *looks down*
BIFF: *smacks George in the nose*
GEORGE: LOL.
MARTY: OMG.
BIFF: What are you looking at, butthead?
MARTY: Obviously not much.
BIFF: *leaves*
MARTY: Dude, dad. The car is totaled. I was going to get laid tomorrow night in that thing.
GEORGE: Excuse me?
MARTY: ORANGES! I was... going to... go pick out... some oranges... tomorrow night... in that thing.
MARTY’S SISTER: Jennifer called for you twice.
LORRAINE: Marty, I don’t like that. When I was your age, I never chased any boys, or sat in a parked car with a boy.
FORESHADOWING: Can I be more painfully obvious?
MARTY’S SISTER: How am I supposed to meet a boy then?
LORRAINE: It’ll just happen. Like how I met your father.
MARTY’S SISTER: Grandpa just hit him with the car.
LORRAINE: It happens. And we went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together. It was the night of that big thunder storm. He kissed me for the first time at that dance. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
FORESHADOWING: Okay, if you’re not getting this by now, you’re dumb.
Marty’s Bedroom
MARTY: *sleeps*
PHONE: *rings*
MARTY: Hel-lo?
DOC: You didn’t fall asleep, did you?
MARTY: I don’t want to go to school today, mom.
DOC: Good. Do me a favor and bring my video camera.
MARTY: You’re a very nice lady.
Twin Pines Mall
MARTY: Einstein! Where’s Doc?
EINSTEIN: Damn, dawg! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Shooooot. You tryin’ to scare a brotha?
DOC’S TRUCK: *farts*
MARTY: WTF?
EINSTEIN: I’m getting the hell outta here.
DOC’S TRUCK: *poops out a DeLorean*
DELOREAN: *poops out a Doc*
MARTY: Doc!
DOC: Marty, you made it. Say hello to my latest experiment.
MARTY: I hate to bust your balls, Doc, but the DeLorean has already been invented.
DOC: Just roll the camera.
MARTY: *starts filming*
DOC: Einstein, get in the car.
EINSTEIN: Oh, hell naw.
DOC: *buckles in Einstein*
EINSTEIN: Why couldn’t my owner have been Snoop Dogg?
DOC: Note that both of our watches display the same exact time.
MARTY: Chiggidy-check.
DOC: *closes door, grabs remote control, and starts driving the DeLorean*
MARTY: Sweet.
DOC: When this car hits 88 miles per hour, prepare to poop your pants.
MARTY: You didn’t say anything about bringing diapers on the phone.
DOC: *puts the pedal to the metal... so to speak*
DELOREAN: *flashes and disappears*
MARTY: *poops his pants*
DOC: OMG, yes! It worked!
MARTY: You killed Einstein, you bastard!
DOC: No, he’s fine.
MARTY: Then where is he!?
DOC: More like, when is he.
MARTY: Okay, when is he?
DOC: Don’t use bad grammar around me boy.
MARTY: But, you just...
DOC: I sent Einstein one minute into the future! He’s become the first time traveler!
MARTY: Wait… the DeLorean is a time machine? No wonder they weigh so much.
DOC: No, Marty. I turned the DeLorean into a time machine. The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?
MARTY: This coming from a man who wears Hawaiian shirts underneath his lab coat.
DOC’S WATCH: *beeps*
DOC: Look out!
TIME DELOREAN: *appears... steamy*
DOC AND MARTY: *walk up to it*
TIME DELOREAN: *farts*
DOC: *opens car door*
EINSTEIN: You mother f*cker.
DOC: Einstein, you’re all right! Marty, come here and let me show you how to work this time machine just in case some terrorists decide to appear all of a sudden.
FORESHADOWING: Wait, he doesn’t say that! You’ve seen this before!
DOC: Turn the time circuits on, here’s where you are, where you’re going, where you were, and input on this keypad. Got it?
MARTY: Amazingly, yes... I understand completely.
DOC: Here’s an example, you can go to November 5th, 1955.
MARTY: Why would I want to go there?
DOC: That’s the day I thought up time travel. I was taking a really big dump after some spicy red curry and I hit my head on the sink when I bent down to get some TP. There was sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was my sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in my mouth. Even sh*t on my sh*t. So, I thought of this flux capacitor.
MARTY: I don’t see how those correlate, but okay.
DOC: This is what makes time travel possible. It’s been about 30 years since that day. Things have changed. This mall used to be all farm land. That Radio Shack over there used to be a liquor store.
MARTY: Does this thing just run on gasoline?
DOC: No, plutonium.
MARTY: Uhhh... exsqueeze me?
DOC: I have to use plutonium. Otherwise the plot points wouldn’t show up and chase us.
MARTY: What plot points?
PLOT POINTS: *arrive*
DOC: Those plot points! Run, Marty!
LIBYANS: *start with the shoosting*
DOC: My give up.
SOME LIBYAN: *shoots Doc*
MARTY: Oh my God, you killed Doc. You bastard!
SOME LIBYAN: Muhammad Jihad!
MARTY: *Supermans into DeLorean*
SOME LIBYAN: Durka, durka!
MARTY: *drives away*
LIBYANS: *chase Marty in their shaggin’ wagon*
MARTY: *pushes things he shouldn’t touch*
LIBYANS: *pass by a JCPenny and remind themselves to take a look at their perfume selection after they finish killing the young American boy*
MARTY: *time travels*
That Farm Land Doc was Talking About
MARTY: *crashes car into a barn*
SOME FAMILY: *wakes up and goes out to the barn to check out the loud sound*
THE MOM: Hey man, check out that thing, yo.
THE DAD: Let’s launch over it.
THE SON: It’s aliens!
MARTY: *gets out of car in radioactive suit*
SOME FAMILY: ...
MARTY: Who wants a body massage?
SOME FAMILY: *run away screaming*
MARTY: What were they so scared of.
THE DAD: *fires shotgun at Marty*
MARTY: The Libyans are here, too!?
THE DAD: Die, alien scum!
MARTY: *drives away*
Some Country Road
MARTY: This must just be some kind of bad dream.
THE AUDIENCE: Um, isn’t it obvious to him that he went back in time?
MARTY: *spots something shiny and slams on the brakes*
TIME DELOREAN: *shows off its great power-assisted disc brakes*
MARTY: *gets out*
LARGE BILLBOARD: Ha-ha! You have nowhere to go because your house hasn’t been built yet.
MARTY: Just for that, I’m hiding the broken down DeLorean behind you.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Dag, yo.
Hill Valley Town Square
MARTY: Everything is so... ‘50s.
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS TOUR TRAM: *drives by*
CLOCK TOWER: *rings*
MARTY: *picks up newspaper*
NEWSPAPER: BREAKING NEWS – Teenage Boy Travels Back to November 5, 1955 and Still Hasn’t Figured it Out Yet.
MARTY: This has gotta be a dream.
Lou’s Café of Insults and Forgiveness
MARTY: *enters*
LOU: Did you fall off a boat or something?
MARTY: We live in a town called Hill Valley.
LOU: My apologies for the rude joke.
MARTY: No problem. Where might I be able to find your telephone?
LOU: It’s in the back.
Phone Booth
MARTY: Emmett Brown... where are you?
PHONE BOOK: *ends up having over 200 people with the last name Brown in it despite being in a small town*
MARTY: Found you!
WALDO: Well, to be fair, I am wearing a red and white striped shirt in a strictly black and gray book.
The Café Again
MARTY: Do you know where I might be able to find 1640 River...
LOU: Look kid, are you going to order something or what!?
MARTY: I’m trying to find a friend.
LOU: Ugh, my apologies again for being so unfriendly. I don’t know what is wrong with me these days. Is there anything I can get for you?
MARTY: Coffee, please.
LOU: Here you go, good sir.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY AND A NERDY LOOKING GUY WHO SUSPICIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE MARTY’S FATHER: *turn around*
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Oh, that must be Marty’s father.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Why are there so many dumb people in and out of this movie?
MARTY: Biff?
BIFF: Hey, I’m talking to you McFly.
MARTY: *gulp*
BIFF: *walks past Marty to his dad*
GEORGE: Hey, Biff.
BIFF: You got my homework finished?
GEORGE: Well, it’s advanced calculus, so it’s going to take me longer than one day.
BIFF: Well then why do you think I’m in here, McFly!?
GEORGE: To show my son that I am his father?
BIFF: *noogies, slaps, spits on George... then leaves*
MARTY: *stares at George*
GEORGE: What!? Do I have something on my face or something?
MARTY: You’re my fa...
BARACK OBAMA: Hey, why do you let those boys pick on you?
GEORGE: They’re bigger than me.
BARACK OBAMA: If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: There's not a liberal America and a conservative America - there's the United States of America.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.
GEORGE: Does anything you say ever mean anything?
BARACK OBAMA: No, but it sounds good, don’t it?
MARTY: You’re like the kid who ran for class president in high school that promised longer lunches and less homework, aren’t you?
BARACK OBAMA: Why can't I just eat my waffle?
GEORGE: *disappears*
MARTY: Wuzzuh!?
GEORGE: *rides by outside on bike*
MARTY: Hey, wait!
Some Residential Street
MARTY: *finds George’s bike leaning against a tree minus a George on it*
TREE: *poops leaf*
MARTY: *looks up*
GEORGE: *spies on a shirtless guy*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
GEORGE: *turns his attention to a girl changing*
MARTY: *comes back*
GEORGE: *falls out of tree*
TREE: *poops a George*
CAM: These poop jokes doing anything for you?
THE AUDIENCE: Not really.
CAM: We should hang out more.
CAR: KEEL YOU!!!1!1!!
MARTY: *pushes George out of the way*
CAR: *keels Marty*
Darkened Bedroom of Awkwardness
MARTY: Mom?
SOME GIRL: Quiet now. You’ve been asleep for almost nine hours.
MARTY: I had this crazy dream where everything pooped out of other stuff and this guy named Cam was trying really hard to be funny, but failing miserably. And dad was there, only he was bi or something.
SOME GIRL: Well, you’re safe and sound in my bedroom now back in 1955.
LIGHTS: *turn on to reveal Marty’s young mother*
MARTY: WHAT!? Mom?
LORRAINE: Silly boy. You must have hit your head really hard.
MARTY: I need to get out of here.
LORRAINE: *sits on Marty’s lap*
MARTY: I... you can't... ouch, you're bending it!
FREUD: Marty, trust your feelings.
MARTY: No!
FREUD: That’s your uncle talking.
LORRAINE: Calm down, Calvin.
MARTY: Why are you calling me Calvin?
LORRAINE: You’re wearing Calvin and Hobbes briefs. Your name isn’t Hobbes, is it?
LORRAINE’S MOM: Lorraine, are you tempting that boy upstairs?
LORRAINE: Sh*t, it’s my mom! Quick, put your pants back on!
MARTY: When the heck did you take my pants off!
Dining Room of Awkwardness
LORRAINE’S MOM: That boy you hit is alright.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What were you doing playing out in the street, boy?
MARTY: Apparently creating rifts in the time space continuum.
LORRAINE’S MOM: That’s nice, dear. Do you like Meatloaf?
MARTY: Yeah, he’s an alright musician.
LORRAINE’S MOM: You must have hit your head really hard.
LORRAINE’S DAD: Hey, check it out! I made it so that we can watch Jackie Gleason while we eat. This way, we don’t have to talk to our kids about the dangers of drugs and unprotected sex at the dinner table.
MARTY: Aw, I’ve seen this one before! It’s the one where Jackie Gleason goes, “Pow, right in the kisser!”
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: How can you have seen this before? It’s brand new.
MARTY: I’ve seen it on... TV Land.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: What’s TV Land?
MARTY: A channel that you’ll be on a lot when they replay episodes of The Wonder Years.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: Butthead.
MARTY: Hey, do you guys know where Riverside Drive is?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Yeah, it’s on the east side of town.
MARTY: Past Ricky Schroeder Boulevard?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Who the hell is Ricky Schroeder?
MARTY: You’ll find out.
LORRAINE: Mom, with Calvin’s parents out of town, don’t you think he oughta spend the night? Since I have daddy issues, he can sleep in my room with me.
LORRAINE’S DAD: *continues to watch Jackie abuse Alice*
LORRAINE’S MOM: That sounds like a great idea.
LORRAINE: *plays chicken with Marty*
MARTY: *chickens out immediately*
LORRAINE’S MOM: Where are you going?
MARTY: I should go. Have a nice night. Thx much.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What a ‘tard. His parents must be ‘tards, too. And his parents’ parents. Oh man, why do I feel like I just pwned myself?
LORRAINE: *boycrushes*
1640 Riverside Drive
MARTY: *knocks on door*
DOC: *opens door wearing giant hair dryer*
MARTY: I must have the wrong...
DOC: Get in here!
MARTY: Wuzzuh!
DOC: Don’t say anything! I’m going to read your mind!
MARTY: =X
DOC: You’ve come from far away!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want to tell me the power of Jesus Christ!
MARTY: =[
DOC: You have a disease!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want me to donate to the McCain campaign!
MARTY: No, Doc! I’m from teh future!
DOC: You’re from the future!
MARTY: ...
DOC: This machine totally works.
MARTY: Srsly, Doc. I’m from teh future!
DOC: I dun berieve!
MARTY: I’ll prove it to you! You told me about how you invented time travel. You were... um, in the bathroom... doing the doo... and you hit your head and came up with the flux capacitor.
DOC: I was sh*tting.
MARTY: Yeah...
DOC: You know what this means!?
MARTY: No?
DOC: This machine gives people around me the ability to read my mind!
Some Country Road Again
MARTY: The car broke, so I hid it behind this rude sign.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Hey! I’m a billboard, buddy! A sign is something that tells you what to do on the road.
DOC: When I hit my head in the bathroom, I drew the flux capacitor.
MARTY: Do you have it with you?
DOC: *holds up a piece of toilet paper that has feces on it shaped like the flux capacitor*
MARTY: *shows Doc the real flux capacitor*
DOC: We gotta get this car back to the shop and we gotta get you back to the future.
MARTY: Good deal. But first, could you throw away that dirty toilet paper?
Back to the Doc’s Home
MARTY: Here’s the video I made during your first test.
VIDEO DOC: I need the plutonium to create a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 jiggawatts of electricity.
DOC: 1.21 jiggawatts?
MARTY: What’s a jiggawatt?
DOC: A unit of electricity that Will Smith invented. Look, I don’t think you’re going back to the future now.
MARTY: Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
DOC: The only way we can get that kind of electricity is if we had a bolt of lightning.
MARTY’S CONSCIENCE: "CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime."
MARTY: *pulls out clock tower flyer*
DOC: This is just all too convenient.
MARTY: So, this could work?
DOC: Yes, but until then, you must stay here and not talk to anyone!
MARTY: *whistles*
DOC: You didn’t.
MARTY: My mom... sort of... wants to bone me now.
DOC: Do you have a picture of your family conveniently in your pocket?
MARTY: *hands over picture*
PICTURE: *starts to show Marty’s brother disappearing*
DOC: If you let your mom bone you, you’ll be your own father.
Hill Valley High
DOC: We need to make this right again. Where’s your dad?
MARTY: He’s that nerdy one over there.
DOC: F*ck! I’m leaving this up to you.
MARTY: Hey, George. Remember me? The guy who sort of saved your life.
GEORGE: Didn’t save my movie career?
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my mo... I mean, your wi... I mean, this girl.
LORRAINE: Oh, Calvin! You’re alright!
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my good friend George.
GEORGE: I’m going to do a movie about rats one day.
LORRAINE: Sure, whatever, Will. Calvin, I was so worried about you!
SCHOOL BELL: *rings*
LORRAINE’S FRIEND: Quick, we gotta get to class. We’re already tardy like the rest of the students who are still hanging out in the hallway.
LORRAINE: Isn’t Calvin just a big chunk of beefcake?
FREUD: Hell yes!
High School Cafeteria
MARTY: Sorry about earlier George. Anyway, you should go ask Lorraine out to the Under the Sea dance.
GEORGE: It looks like she’d rather go with Biff.
BIFF: *plays chicken with Lorraine*
MARTY: *grabs Biff by the collar*
BIFF: *is taller*
MARTY: You seem like you should be much taller than me than you already are.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: Are you two fighting?
BIFF: *kisses Marty*
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: *leaves*
BIFF: I’ll let you off this time.
MARTY: Pshhh. More like get me off this time.
Some Other Residential Street
MARTY: George!
GEORGE: Seriously, dude. Are you mancrushing on me?
MARTY: Look, you need to ask Lorraine to the school dance.
GEORGE: No, that’s Battlestar night. Frak you!
MARTY: Battlestar, huh?
George’s Bedroom of Nerdiness
MARTY: *wakes up George*
GEORGE: Bad touch!
MARTY: Quiet, Earthling! I am a cylon. You must go to the dance with Lorraine.
GEORGE: You can’t be a cylon. Cylons are much sexier.
MARTY: Um...
GEORGE: ...
MARTY: *shows some leg*
Town Square
GEORGE: Marty, I need help asking Lorraine to the dance.
MARTY: She’s right over there in the café. Just ask her.
GEORGE: What do I say?
MARTY: Tell her she’s pretty. Girls are shallow like that.
GEORGE: lol, k.
Café
GEORGE: Lorraine, you’re petty.
LORRAINE: Petty?
GEORGE: I mean, pretty.
LORRAINE: Do me here and now.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY: $%&#!
BIFF: I thought I told you to never come in here.
GEORGE: No, you told me to do your homework.
MARTY: *trips Biff*
BIFF: *biffs*
MARTY: *runs away*
Town Square
MARTY: *steals kid’s skateboard*
BIFF AND CO.: *give chase in car*
MARTY: Watch me ollie!
BIFF AND CO.: *watches him ollie*
LORRAINE: *orgasms*
TONY HAWK: Seriously? That hedge was only a foot high.
BIFF AND CO.: *run into manure truck*
MANURE TRUCK: *poops poop*
Back at the Doc’s House
MARTY: Doc, there’s something you should know about what happens to you in teh future.
DOC: Don’t tell me. Now, look at this huge elaborate model that I had the spare time of building since you’ve been gone. When the lightning strikes the tower, it will run down this cable just as this giant hook hits it sending 1.21 jiggawatts of hot, steamy electricity straight to the flux capacitor.
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Giant hooks weren’t invented until 1963.
DOC: Let’s test it out.
TOY CAR: *hits cable and catches on fire*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Fire wasn’t invented until 1957.
DOC: How are things going with your dad?
MARTY: About as good as this car.
DOC: He’s flaming?
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Gays weren’t invented until 1988.
LORRAINE: *knocks*
DOC: It’s your mom! Quick, hide the time machine!
MARTY: *puts cover over car*
LORRAINE: Hey.
MARTY: How did you know I was here?
LORRAINE: I’m stalking you.
MARTY: Oh. Let me introduce you to my Doc... uh, I mean Uncle Doc... Brown. Well, he’s not really my uncle. More like a distant relative. Twice or three times removed. It doesn’t matter.
LORRAINE: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
MARTY: What about dad... erm, George?
LORRAINE: George McFly? He’s kinda weaksauce. Why is there a big metal rod sticking out from underneath this cover?
MARTY: *checks fly*
McFly Residence
MARTY: If you want to go to the dance with Lorraine, we’re going to need to act out this plan that makes you look tough.
GEORGE: I still don’t understand why you’re so adamant about me going to the dance with her. You’re not looking for a ménage à trois, are you?
MARTY: I don’t speak Spanish, George. Anyway, so the plan is I pick her up, pretend to start raping her, and then you beat me up. Got it?
GEORGE: And then I rape her?
MARTY: ...
Town Square
DOC: I’m going to miss you, Marty.
MARTY: Doc, you really should know something about teh future.
DOC: Nein!
Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café
MARTY: *writes letter to Doc about him being killed in the future*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Paper wasn’t invented until 19...
CAM: *shoots Buzzkill Historian in the head*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: *dead*
CAM: There. He’s gone. He’ll never bother us again.
Immediately After Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café in Town Square
MARTY: *slips Doc’s jacket the letter*
DOC: *slips questioning cop a tenner*
Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me! ♪
Outside the Dance in the Parking Lot of Incest
MARTY: Rape time.
LORRAINE: Sweet. I love being raped.
MARTY: What!? Seriously?
LORRAINE: Yeah. Get krunk!
MARTY: *is nervous*
LORRAINE: Why so serious?
MARTY: I just... uh...
LORRAINE: *kisses Marty*
MARTY: *kinda liked it*
LORRAINE: That felt like kissing my brother. Weird, huh?
MARTY: No. I kiss my brother all the time.
BIFF: *pulls Marty out of the car*
MARTY: *is still short*
BIFF: You caused $300 worth of damage to my car.
MARTY: Wow... that’s not a bad price. Which auto shop did you take your car to?
BIFF: Shut up, butthead! Guys, take him to the back. I’ll be right there, after I take care of some business.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: With Lorraine.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: In this car.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: Man, you guys are dumb.
Behind the School
GUY #1: Hey, let’s put him in this car trunk.
GUY #2: Do you guys smell weed?
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! What you be doin’ to my car?
GUY #3: It’s a giant enemy crab! Run away!
SEBASTIAN: Who in der?
MARTY: Help! I’m locked in the trunk.
SEBASTIAN: Hold on. I’ll go get King Triton.
Parking Lot of Rape
BIFF: *has his way*
GEORGE: Get your damn hands off her.
BIFF: *turns to George*
GEORGE: F*ck.
BIFF: *puts George in the sleeper hold*
GEORGE: *falls asleep*
BIFF: *finishes raping Lorraine, kills Marty, and gets his car fixed... the end*
GEORGE: Yeah, right!
BIFF: *gets punched by George*
LORRAINE: Hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 26 million dollars, please.
Back to the Behind the School
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I could not find the king, but Flounder here is really good at picking locks.
FLOUNDER: *flops around on the ground*
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I dun think this will work.
TRUNK: *opens*
MARTY: Are you guys gonna keep playing music for the dance so that my parents can kiss?
SEBASTIAN: How can we, mon? We’re just sea creatures. And Flounder looks... dead.
MARTY: Well then how the hell were you playing earlier?
SEBASTIAN: No idea. But, if you are willing to play the bongos, we’ll be more than happy to sing the perfect love song to get your parents to kiss.
The Dance
MARTY: *plays the bongos*
LORRAINE AND GEORGE: *dance*
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared. You got the mood prepared. Go on and kiss the girl. ♪
SOME BASTARD CHILD: I’m cuttin’ in, McFly!
LORRAINE: *barely fights him off*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
LORRAINE: George! Save me again!
GEORGE: *punches redheaded freak and lays a smack on Lorraine*
THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*
CAM: No, "smack" as in a kiss.
THE AUDIENCE: Oh.
MARTY: *reappears and plays the bongos like you’ve never seen anyone play them before*
Stairwell of Goodbyes
LORRAINE: George is going to take me home.
MARTY: Good. I had a good feeling about you two.
LORRAINE: Like the relief after a huge fart? I feel that, too.
MARTY: Good luck.
Town Square of Goodbyes
DOC: You’re late.
MARTY: Sorry, I got too into playing the bongos.
DOC: Everything is all set. Just start over there and don’t go until this alarm goes off.
MARTY: Thanks, Doc.
DOC: Thank you.
MARTY AND DOC: *kiss*
MARTY: Is that a letter in your pocket, or are you just happy to kiss me?
DOC: What’s with this letter?
MARTY: Oh yeah...
DOC: Is this about my future?
MARTY: Possibly.
DOC: *tears it up*
MARTY: Fine, I’ll tell you what happens.
TREE BRANCH: *falls onto cable*
DOC: Crap! I need to fix this or it won’t work. You need to go get in position.
MARTY: *gets in position*
DOC: *jungle gyms on clock tower*
MARTY: I got it! I can just go back to teh future a little earlier and warn Doc about getting shot.
CAM: Dude, he has so many options. He could also go back to 1955 after getting more plutonium in the future. He could also go back in time in 1985 and warn Doc. Man, Marty is an idiot.
MARTY: I’m so smart.
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: No wonder John DeLorean went bankrupt.
DOC: *apparently weighs a lot and keeps breaking off pieces of the clock tower ledge*
MARTY: *desperately tries to start car*
ALARM: *goes off*
MARTY: *slams head against horn*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently starts by hitting the horn*
MARTY: Yes! Go, Speed, go!
DOC: *Tarzans down to fix cable*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently takes one and a half minutes to get up to 88 MPH*
DOC: *attaches cable right when the lightning strikes, electrocuting him*
MARTY: *goes back to the future*
DOC: *apparently survives a 1.21 gigawatt bolt to the body and is impressed with himself*
Town Square 1985
TIME DELOREAN: *appears and runs into some homeless guy*
MARTY: Well, at least I’m changing things in teh present now.
THE LIBYANS: *pass by driving towards the mall*
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: Is this ever going to end?
Lone Pine Mall (<-Did You Catch That?)
MARTY: *apparently runs as fast as a car*
LIBYANS: *still shoot Doc*
MARTY: *watches his old self run away from the Libyans*
OLD MARTY: *hops into the DeLorean*
MARTY: Damn, I have a nice ass.
OLD MARTY: *time travels to 1955*
LIBYANS: *are killed by a photo development booth*
DOC: *is alive*
MARTY: I confused.
DOC: I taped your letter back together.
MARTY: *mancrushes*
Outside the McFly House
MARTY: So, where are you going?
DOC: 30 years into the future.
MARTY: Do you think it’ll be much different?
DOC: Probably not. Hopefully a lot less Mexicans.
MARTY: Well, look me up when you get there. Let me know if I turn out gay so I can change that.
THE AUDIENCE: Wow, racism and homophobia in the same scene.
CAM: What can I say? I’m a classy guy.
DOC: *goes to the future*
The Next Morning at the McFly House
THE FURNITURE: *looks expensive*
MARTY’S SIBLINGS: *are all dressed up*
LORRAINE: *is thin and healthy*
GEORGE: *is freakin’ loaded*
BIFF: *buffs*
MARTY: *gets the truck he always wanted*
JENNIFER: *shows up*
MARTY: I’ll have to remember to go to teh past and change you so that you look hotter somehow.
DOC: *appears in the DeLorean*
MARTY: Aw, hell.
DOC: Marty! You and Jennifer need to come to the future with me!
MARTY: Seriously? I turn out gay!?
DOC: No, no, no. Your kids do!
MARTY: Drive as fast as you can.
FIN.
Somewhere in Space
THE OLD UNIVERSAL LOGO: *appears*
THE AUDIENCE: The Earth looks so old!
ROBERT ZEMECKIS: That’s because they wouldn’t let me soak it in water first.
Some Garage with a Buncha Stuff
TON O’ CLOCKS: *appear*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder what this movie is about?
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tick*
THE AUDIENCE: I wonder...
TON O’ CLOCKS: *tock*
THE AUDIENCE: Ah-ha! This movie is about time!
A LONG SERIES OF CONTRAPTIONS: *starts*
RADIO: *turns on*
RADIO ANNOUNCER: That’s right ladies and gentlemen. Prepare to have your mind blown away by this movie. It will make you think about the ‘80s. It will make you wonder about time travel. It may even make you think about your hot momma when she was younger.
FREUD: Told you.
TV: *turns on*
TV NEWS ANCHOR: Some plutonium may have been stolen.
DOOR: *opens*
SOME BOY: Doc?
SKATEBOARD: *runs into plutonium*
SOME BOY: *turns amp knobs*
LOAD HUMMING: *ensues*
SOME BOY: *plays a guitar note*
GINORMOUS SPEAKER: I KEEL YOU!
SOME BOY: *flies back and is somehow not deaf now*
THE AUDIENCE: Holy cow! I didn’t know Tom Cruise was in this movie!?
SOME BOY: *takes off sunglasses*
THE AUDIENCE: Oh. It’s just Michael Gay Fox.
TELEPHONE: Answer me.
SOME BOY: Hello?
CALLER: Marty is that you?
MARTY: Doc?
CAM: Good, now I can use their names.
DOC: Good thing you just so happened to be at my own house when I called.
MARTY: Where are you?
DOC: Meet me at 1:15 at the mall.
MARTY: 1:15 in the morning? I’m not supposed to meet with old scary men that late.
DOC: Just do it. And bring the camcorder with you.
MARTY: Yeah, that doesn’t make me feel any safer.
TON O’ CLOCKS: *all go off*
DOC: Are those my clocks I hear?
MARTY: Werd.
DOC: Great! They’re all 25 minutes late!
MARTY: Hold up, hold up. It’s really 8:25?
DOC: Yes.
MARTY: *runs off camera*
PHONE: *remains in air a few seconds and then falls*
Outside on the Way to School
‘80’S MUSIC: *plays*
MARTY: *skateboards to '80s music while holding onto the back of various vehicles*
EVERY SEVEN-YEAR-OLD WATCHING: Cool! I’m going to try that.
Hill Valley High School
MARTY: Yo, Jennifer.
JENNIFER: Don’t go this way, the principal is on the hunt for you.
MARTY: It’s not my fault this time. The Doc put all his clocks 25 minutes slow.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You’re still hanging around with Dr. Emmett Brown, McFly?
MARTY: Yeah, man. He’s cool people.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: ...
JENNIFER: ...
MARTY: Just give me my tardy slip.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: McFly, Dr. Brown is a total nut. You stick around him and you’ll turn into one too.
MARTY: Sweet. I love cashews.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: You act just as dumb as your father when he went here.
MARTY: May I please be excused?
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: I heard your band is going to audition for the school dance. You don’t have a chance because you carry your father’s genes. No McFly ever amounted to anything in the history of Hill Valley.
MARTY: Yeah, well, history is going to change.
FORESHADOWING: At its most obvious.
School Gymnasium
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: My band is called "The Pinheads".
JUDGE: Next!
MARTY: WTF!?
Hill Valley Town Square
ELECTION VAN: Re-elect Mayor Wilson! Foreshadow, foreshadow, foreshadow!
MARTY: Can you believe that?
JENNIFER: What? A black politician?
MARTY: No! The whole band thing! We’ll never get a chance to play in front of anybody.
JENNIFER: You tried once. It’s not the end of the world. Did you know some of the people that audition on American Idol have had to do it up to three times before they were let through?
MARTY: I just don’t think I’m good at mus... wait. What’s American Idol?
JENNIFER: You’ll find out... in the future.
NICE TRUCK: *drives by*
MARTY: WHAT!?!?
JENNIFER: Haha, I knew I’d get your attentio...
MARTY: No, no, no! I mean, WHAT an awesome 4 x 4! Some day I’m going to own that. That’s hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 13 million dollars please.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
CLOCK LADY: Save the clock tower!
MARTY: Dude, I was just about to get some.
CLOCK LADY: Thirty years ago, lightning struck that clock tower, and the clock hasn’t run since.
MARTY: Okay, fine! Here’s a quarter.
CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime.
MARTY AND JENNIFER: *lean in to kiss*
JENNIFER’S DAD: *honks horn*
JENNIFER: Crap, I gotta go.
MARTY: What does a guy have to do to get laid around here?
El McFly Casa
BIFF: I can’t believe you would give me a car with a blind spot. I could’ve been killed.
GEORGE: Biff, all cars have blind spots. Hi, Marty.
BIFF: Are you blind, McFly? Did you see your car out there?
GEORGE: I’m sure your insurance will cover it.
BIFF: It’s your car, you’re paying for it. And where are those TPS reports I asked you for?
GEORGE: Uh, I haven’t finished those yet.
BIFF: *plays knock-knock with George’s head*
GEORGE: Who’s... there?
BIFF: Those look like comfortable shoes.
GEORGE: *looks down*
BIFF: *smacks George in the nose*
GEORGE: LOL.
MARTY: OMG.
BIFF: What are you looking at, butthead?
MARTY: Obviously not much.
BIFF: *leaves*
MARTY: Dude, dad. The car is totaled. I was going to get laid tomorrow night in that thing.
GEORGE: Excuse me?
MARTY: ORANGES! I was... going to... go pick out... some oranges... tomorrow night... in that thing.
MARTY’S SISTER: Jennifer called for you twice.
LORRAINE: Marty, I don’t like that. When I was your age, I never chased any boys, or sat in a parked car with a boy.
FORESHADOWING: Can I be more painfully obvious?
MARTY’S SISTER: How am I supposed to meet a boy then?
LORRAINE: It’ll just happen. Like how I met your father.
MARTY’S SISTER: Grandpa just hit him with the car.
LORRAINE: It happens. And we went to the Enchantment Under the Sea dance together. It was the night of that big thunder storm. He kissed me for the first time at that dance. I knew I was going to spend the rest of my life with him.
FORESHADOWING: Okay, if you’re not getting this by now, you’re dumb.
Marty’s Bedroom
MARTY: *sleeps*
PHONE: *rings*
MARTY: Hel-lo?
DOC: You didn’t fall asleep, did you?
MARTY: I don’t want to go to school today, mom.
DOC: Good. Do me a favor and bring my video camera.
MARTY: You’re a very nice lady.
Twin Pines Mall
MARTY: Einstein! Where’s Doc?
EINSTEIN: Damn, dawg! Don’t sneak up on me like that. Shooooot. You tryin’ to scare a brotha?
DOC’S TRUCK: *farts*
MARTY: WTF?
EINSTEIN: I’m getting the hell outta here.
DOC’S TRUCK: *poops out a DeLorean*
DELOREAN: *poops out a Doc*
MARTY: Doc!
DOC: Marty, you made it. Say hello to my latest experiment.
MARTY: I hate to bust your balls, Doc, but the DeLorean has already been invented.
DOC: Just roll the camera.
MARTY: *starts filming*
DOC: Einstein, get in the car.
EINSTEIN: Oh, hell naw.
DOC: *buckles in Einstein*
EINSTEIN: Why couldn’t my owner have been Snoop Dogg?
DOC: Note that both of our watches display the same exact time.
MARTY: Chiggidy-check.
DOC: *closes door, grabs remote control, and starts driving the DeLorean*
MARTY: Sweet.
DOC: When this car hits 88 miles per hour, prepare to poop your pants.
MARTY: You didn’t say anything about bringing diapers on the phone.
DOC: *puts the pedal to the metal... so to speak*
DELOREAN: *flashes and disappears*
MARTY: *poops his pants*
DOC: OMG, yes! It worked!
MARTY: You killed Einstein, you bastard!
DOC: No, he’s fine.
MARTY: Then where is he!?
DOC: More like, when is he.
MARTY: Okay, when is he?
DOC: Don’t use bad grammar around me boy.
MARTY: But, you just...
DOC: I sent Einstein one minute into the future! He’s become the first time traveler!
MARTY: Wait… the DeLorean is a time machine? No wonder they weigh so much.
DOC: No, Marty. I turned the DeLorean into a time machine. The way I see it, if you’re gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?
MARTY: This coming from a man who wears Hawaiian shirts underneath his lab coat.
DOC’S WATCH: *beeps*
DOC: Look out!
TIME DELOREAN: *appears... steamy*
DOC AND MARTY: *walk up to it*
TIME DELOREAN: *farts*
DOC: *opens car door*
EINSTEIN: You mother f*cker.
DOC: Einstein, you’re all right! Marty, come here and let me show you how to work this time machine just in case some terrorists decide to appear all of a sudden.
FORESHADOWING: Wait, he doesn’t say that! You’ve seen this before!
DOC: Turn the time circuits on, here’s where you are, where you’re going, where you were, and input on this keypad. Got it?
MARTY: Amazingly, yes... I understand completely.
DOC: Here’s an example, you can go to November 5th, 1955.
MARTY: Why would I want to go there?
DOC: That’s the day I thought up time travel. I was taking a really big dump after some spicy red curry and I hit my head on the sink when I bent down to get some TP. There was sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was my sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in my mouth. Even sh*t on my sh*t. So, I thought of this flux capacitor.
MARTY: I don’t see how those correlate, but okay.
DOC: This is what makes time travel possible. It’s been about 30 years since that day. Things have changed. This mall used to be all farm land. That Radio Shack over there used to be a liquor store.
MARTY: Does this thing just run on gasoline?
DOC: No, plutonium.
MARTY: Uhhh... exsqueeze me?
DOC: I have to use plutonium. Otherwise the plot points wouldn’t show up and chase us.
MARTY: What plot points?
PLOT POINTS: *arrive*
DOC: Those plot points! Run, Marty!
LIBYANS: *start with the shoosting*
DOC: My give up.
SOME LIBYAN: *shoots Doc*
MARTY: Oh my God, you killed Doc. You bastard!
SOME LIBYAN: Muhammad Jihad!
MARTY: *Supermans into DeLorean*
SOME LIBYAN: Durka, durka!
MARTY: *drives away*
LIBYANS: *chase Marty in their shaggin’ wagon*
MARTY: *pushes things he shouldn’t touch*
LIBYANS: *pass by a JCPenny and remind themselves to take a look at their perfume selection after they finish killing the young American boy*
MARTY: *time travels*
That Farm Land Doc was Talking About
MARTY: *crashes car into a barn*
SOME FAMILY: *wakes up and goes out to the barn to check out the loud sound*
THE MOM: Hey man, check out that thing, yo.
THE DAD: Let’s launch over it.
THE SON: It’s aliens!
MARTY: *gets out of car in radioactive suit*
SOME FAMILY: ...
MARTY: Who wants a body massage?
SOME FAMILY: *run away screaming*
MARTY: What were they so scared of.
THE DAD: *fires shotgun at Marty*
MARTY: The Libyans are here, too!?
THE DAD: Die, alien scum!
MARTY: *drives away*
Some Country Road
MARTY: This must just be some kind of bad dream.
THE AUDIENCE: Um, isn’t it obvious to him that he went back in time?
MARTY: *spots something shiny and slams on the brakes*
TIME DELOREAN: *shows off its great power-assisted disc brakes*
MARTY: *gets out*
LARGE BILLBOARD: Ha-ha! You have nowhere to go because your house hasn’t been built yet.
MARTY: Just for that, I’m hiding the broken down DeLorean behind you.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Dag, yo.
Hill Valley Town Square
MARTY: Everything is so... ‘50s.
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS TOUR TRAM: *drives by*
CLOCK TOWER: *rings*
MARTY: *picks up newspaper*
NEWSPAPER: BREAKING NEWS – Teenage Boy Travels Back to November 5, 1955 and Still Hasn’t Figured it Out Yet.
MARTY: This has gotta be a dream.
Lou’s Café of Insults and Forgiveness
MARTY: *enters*
LOU: Did you fall off a boat or something?
MARTY: We live in a town called Hill Valley.
LOU: My apologies for the rude joke.
MARTY: No problem. Where might I be able to find your telephone?
LOU: It’s in the back.
Phone Booth
MARTY: Emmett Brown... where are you?
PHONE BOOK: *ends up having over 200 people with the last name Brown in it despite being in a small town*
MARTY: Found you!
WALDO: Well, to be fair, I am wearing a red and white striped shirt in a strictly black and gray book.
The Café Again
MARTY: Do you know where I might be able to find 1640 River...
LOU: Look kid, are you going to order something or what!?
MARTY: I’m trying to find a friend.
LOU: Ugh, my apologies again for being so unfriendly. I don’t know what is wrong with me these days. Is there anything I can get for you?
MARTY: Coffee, please.
LOU: Here you go, good sir.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY AND A NERDY LOOKING GUY WHO SUSPICIOUSLY LOOKS LIKE MARTY’S FATHER: *turn around*
AUDIENCE MEMBER #1: Oh, that must be Marty’s father.
AUDIENCE MEMBER #2: Why are there so many dumb people in and out of this movie?
MARTY: Biff?
BIFF: Hey, I’m talking to you McFly.
MARTY: *gulp*
BIFF: *walks past Marty to his dad*
GEORGE: Hey, Biff.
BIFF: You got my homework finished?
GEORGE: Well, it’s advanced calculus, so it’s going to take me longer than one day.
BIFF: Well then why do you think I’m in here, McFly!?
GEORGE: To show my son that I am his father?
BIFF: *noogies, slaps, spits on George... then leaves*
MARTY: *stares at George*
GEORGE: What!? Do I have something on my face or something?
MARTY: You’re my fa...
BARACK OBAMA: Hey, why do you let those boys pick on you?
GEORGE: They’re bigger than me.
BARACK OBAMA: If you're walking down the right path and you're willing to keep walking, eventually you'll make progress.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: There's not a liberal America and a conservative America - there's the United States of America.
GEORGE AND MARTY: ...
BARACK OBAMA: Over the last 15 months, we’ve traveled to every corner of the United States. I’ve now been in 57 states? I think one left to go.
GEORGE: Does anything you say ever mean anything?
BARACK OBAMA: No, but it sounds good, don’t it?
MARTY: You’re like the kid who ran for class president in high school that promised longer lunches and less homework, aren’t you?
BARACK OBAMA: Why can't I just eat my waffle?
GEORGE: *disappears*
MARTY: Wuzzuh!?
GEORGE: *rides by outside on bike*
MARTY: Hey, wait!
Some Residential Street
MARTY: *finds George’s bike leaning against a tree minus a George on it*
TREE: *poops leaf*
MARTY: *looks up*
GEORGE: *spies on a shirtless guy*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
GEORGE: *turns his attention to a girl changing*
MARTY: *comes back*
GEORGE: *falls out of tree*
TREE: *poops a George*
CAM: These poop jokes doing anything for you?
THE AUDIENCE: Not really.
CAM: We should hang out more.
CAR: KEEL YOU!!!1!1!!
MARTY: *pushes George out of the way*
CAR: *keels Marty*
Darkened Bedroom of Awkwardness
MARTY: Mom?
SOME GIRL: Quiet now. You’ve been asleep for almost nine hours.
MARTY: I had this crazy dream where everything pooped out of other stuff and this guy named Cam was trying really hard to be funny, but failing miserably. And dad was there, only he was bi or something.
SOME GIRL: Well, you’re safe and sound in my bedroom now back in 1955.
LIGHTS: *turn on to reveal Marty’s young mother*
MARTY: WHAT!? Mom?
LORRAINE: Silly boy. You must have hit your head really hard.
MARTY: I need to get out of here.
LORRAINE: *sits on Marty’s lap*
MARTY: I... you can't... ouch, you're bending it!
FREUD: Marty, trust your feelings.
MARTY: No!
FREUD: That’s your uncle talking.
LORRAINE: Calm down, Calvin.
MARTY: Why are you calling me Calvin?
LORRAINE: You’re wearing Calvin and Hobbes briefs. Your name isn’t Hobbes, is it?
LORRAINE’S MOM: Lorraine, are you tempting that boy upstairs?
LORRAINE: Sh*t, it’s my mom! Quick, put your pants back on!
MARTY: When the heck did you take my pants off!
Dining Room of Awkwardness
LORRAINE’S MOM: That boy you hit is alright.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What were you doing playing out in the street, boy?
MARTY: Apparently creating rifts in the time space continuum.
LORRAINE’S MOM: That’s nice, dear. Do you like Meatloaf?
MARTY: Yeah, he’s an alright musician.
LORRAINE’S MOM: You must have hit your head really hard.
LORRAINE’S DAD: Hey, check it out! I made it so that we can watch Jackie Gleason while we eat. This way, we don’t have to talk to our kids about the dangers of drugs and unprotected sex at the dinner table.
MARTY: Aw, I’ve seen this one before! It’s the one where Jackie Gleason goes, “Pow, right in the kisser!”
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: How can you have seen this before? It’s brand new.
MARTY: I’ve seen it on... TV Land.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: What’s TV Land?
MARTY: A channel that you’ll be on a lot when they replay episodes of The Wonder Years.
LORRAINE’S BROTHER: Butthead.
MARTY: Hey, do you guys know where Riverside Drive is?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Yeah, it’s on the east side of town.
MARTY: Past Ricky Schroeder Boulevard?
LORRAINE’S DAD: Who the hell is Ricky Schroeder?
MARTY: You’ll find out.
LORRAINE: Mom, with Calvin’s parents out of town, don’t you think he oughta spend the night? Since I have daddy issues, he can sleep in my room with me.
LORRAINE’S DAD: *continues to watch Jackie abuse Alice*
LORRAINE’S MOM: That sounds like a great idea.
LORRAINE: *plays chicken with Marty*
MARTY: *chickens out immediately*
LORRAINE’S MOM: Where are you going?
MARTY: I should go. Have a nice night. Thx much.
LORRAINE’S DAD: What a ‘tard. His parents must be ‘tards, too. And his parents’ parents. Oh man, why do I feel like I just pwned myself?
LORRAINE: *boycrushes*
1640 Riverside Drive
MARTY: *knocks on door*
DOC: *opens door wearing giant hair dryer*
MARTY: I must have the wrong...
DOC: Get in here!
MARTY: Wuzzuh!
DOC: Don’t say anything! I’m going to read your mind!
MARTY: =X
DOC: You’ve come from far away!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want to tell me the power of Jesus Christ!
MARTY: =[
DOC: You have a disease!
MARTY: =]
DOC: You want me to donate to the McCain campaign!
MARTY: No, Doc! I’m from teh future!
DOC: You’re from the future!
MARTY: ...
DOC: This machine totally works.
MARTY: Srsly, Doc. I’m from teh future!
DOC: I dun berieve!
MARTY: I’ll prove it to you! You told me about how you invented time travel. You were... um, in the bathroom... doing the doo... and you hit your head and came up with the flux capacitor.
DOC: I was sh*tting.
MARTY: Yeah...
DOC: You know what this means!?
MARTY: No?
DOC: This machine gives people around me the ability to read my mind!
Some Country Road Again
MARTY: The car broke, so I hid it behind this rude sign.
LARGE BILLBOARD: Hey! I’m a billboard, buddy! A sign is something that tells you what to do on the road.
DOC: When I hit my head in the bathroom, I drew the flux capacitor.
MARTY: Do you have it with you?
DOC: *holds up a piece of toilet paper that has feces on it shaped like the flux capacitor*
MARTY: *shows Doc the real flux capacitor*
DOC: We gotta get this car back to the shop and we gotta get you back to the future.
MARTY: Good deal. But first, could you throw away that dirty toilet paper?
Back to the Doc’s Home
MARTY: Here’s the video I made during your first test.
VIDEO DOC: I need the plutonium to create a nuclear reaction to generate the 1.21 jiggawatts of electricity.
DOC: 1.21 jiggawatts?
MARTY: What’s a jiggawatt?
DOC: A unit of electricity that Will Smith invented. Look, I don’t think you’re going back to the future now.
MARTY: Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
DOC: The only way we can get that kind of electricity is if we had a bolt of lightning.
MARTY’S CONSCIENCE: "CLOCK LADY: Don’t forget this flyer. You may need it sometime."
MARTY: *pulls out clock tower flyer*
DOC: This is just all too convenient.
MARTY: So, this could work?
DOC: Yes, but until then, you must stay here and not talk to anyone!
MARTY: *whistles*
DOC: You didn’t.
MARTY: My mom... sort of... wants to bone me now.
DOC: Do you have a picture of your family conveniently in your pocket?
MARTY: *hands over picture*
PICTURE: *starts to show Marty’s brother disappearing*
DOC: If you let your mom bone you, you’ll be your own father.
Hill Valley High
DOC: We need to make this right again. Where’s your dad?
MARTY: He’s that nerdy one over there.
DOC: F*ck! I’m leaving this up to you.
MARTY: Hey, George. Remember me? The guy who sort of saved your life.
GEORGE: Didn’t save my movie career?
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my mo... I mean, your wi... I mean, this girl.
LORRAINE: Oh, Calvin! You’re alright!
MARTY: I want to introduce you to my good friend George.
GEORGE: I’m going to do a movie about rats one day.
LORRAINE: Sure, whatever, Will. Calvin, I was so worried about you!
SCHOOL BELL: *rings*
LORRAINE’S FRIEND: Quick, we gotta get to class. We’re already tardy like the rest of the students who are still hanging out in the hallway.
LORRAINE: Isn’t Calvin just a big chunk of beefcake?
FREUD: Hell yes!
High School Cafeteria
MARTY: Sorry about earlier George. Anyway, you should go ask Lorraine out to the Under the Sea dance.
GEORGE: It looks like she’d rather go with Biff.
BIFF: *plays chicken with Lorraine*
MARTY: *grabs Biff by the collar*
BIFF: *is taller*
MARTY: You seem like you should be much taller than me than you already are.
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: Are you two fighting?
BIFF: *kisses Marty*
PRINCIPAL STRICKLAND: *leaves*
BIFF: I’ll let you off this time.
MARTY: Pshhh. More like get me off this time.
Some Other Residential Street
MARTY: George!
GEORGE: Seriously, dude. Are you mancrushing on me?
MARTY: Look, you need to ask Lorraine to the school dance.
GEORGE: No, that’s Battlestar night. Frak you!
MARTY: Battlestar, huh?
George’s Bedroom of Nerdiness
MARTY: *wakes up George*
GEORGE: Bad touch!
MARTY: Quiet, Earthling! I am a cylon. You must go to the dance with Lorraine.
GEORGE: You can’t be a cylon. Cylons are much sexier.
MARTY: Um...
GEORGE: ...
MARTY: *shows some leg*
Town Square
GEORGE: Marty, I need help asking Lorraine to the dance.
MARTY: She’s right over there in the café. Just ask her.
GEORGE: What do I say?
MARTY: Tell her she’s pretty. Girls are shallow like that.
GEORGE: lol, k.
Café
GEORGE: Lorraine, you’re petty.
LORRAINE: Petty?
GEORGE: I mean, pretty.
LORRAINE: Do me here and now.
BIFF: McFly!
MARTY: $%&#!
BIFF: I thought I told you to never come in here.
GEORGE: No, you told me to do your homework.
MARTY: *trips Biff*
BIFF: *biffs*
MARTY: *runs away*
Town Square
MARTY: *steals kid’s skateboard*
BIFF AND CO.: *give chase in car*
MARTY: Watch me ollie!
BIFF AND CO.: *watches him ollie*
LORRAINE: *orgasms*
TONY HAWK: Seriously? That hedge was only a foot high.
BIFF AND CO.: *run into manure truck*
MANURE TRUCK: *poops poop*
Back at the Doc’s House
MARTY: Doc, there’s something you should know about what happens to you in teh future.
DOC: Don’t tell me. Now, look at this huge elaborate model that I had the spare time of building since you’ve been gone. When the lightning strikes the tower, it will run down this cable just as this giant hook hits it sending 1.21 jiggawatts of hot, steamy electricity straight to the flux capacitor.
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Giant hooks weren’t invented until 1963.
DOC: Let’s test it out.
TOY CAR: *hits cable and catches on fire*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Fire wasn’t invented until 1957.
DOC: How are things going with your dad?
MARTY: About as good as this car.
DOC: He’s flaming?
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Gays weren’t invented until 1988.
LORRAINE: *knocks*
DOC: It’s your mom! Quick, hide the time machine!
MARTY: *puts cover over car*
LORRAINE: Hey.
MARTY: How did you know I was here?
LORRAINE: I’m stalking you.
MARTY: Oh. Let me introduce you to my Doc... uh, I mean Uncle Doc... Brown. Well, he’s not really my uncle. More like a distant relative. Twice or three times removed. It doesn’t matter.
LORRAINE: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
MARTY: What about dad... erm, George?
LORRAINE: George McFly? He’s kinda weaksauce. Why is there a big metal rod sticking out from underneath this cover?
MARTY: *checks fly*
McFly Residence
MARTY: If you want to go to the dance with Lorraine, we’re going to need to act out this plan that makes you look tough.
GEORGE: I still don’t understand why you’re so adamant about me going to the dance with her. You’re not looking for a ménage à trois, are you?
MARTY: I don’t speak Spanish, George. Anyway, so the plan is I pick her up, pretend to start raping her, and then you beat me up. Got it?
GEORGE: And then I rape her?
MARTY: ...
Town Square
DOC: I’m going to miss you, Marty.
MARTY: Doc, you really should know something about teh future.
DOC: Nein!
Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café
MARTY: *writes letter to Doc about him being killed in the future*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: Paper wasn’t invented until 19...
CAM: *shoots Buzzkill Historian in the head*
BUZZKILL HISTORIAN: *dead*
CAM: There. He’s gone. He’ll never bother us again.
Immediately After Immediately After Towne Square in Lou’s Café in Town Square
MARTY: *slips Doc’s jacket the letter*
DOC: *slips questioning cop a tenner*
Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Under the sea! Under the sea! Darling, it’s better down where it’s wetter, take it from me! ♪
Outside the Dance in the Parking Lot of Incest
MARTY: Rape time.
LORRAINE: Sweet. I love being raped.
MARTY: What!? Seriously?
LORRAINE: Yeah. Get krunk!
MARTY: *is nervous*
LORRAINE: Why so serious?
MARTY: I just... uh...
LORRAINE: *kisses Marty*
MARTY: *kinda liked it*
LORRAINE: That felt like kissing my brother. Weird, huh?
MARTY: No. I kiss my brother all the time.
BIFF: *pulls Marty out of the car*
MARTY: *is still short*
BIFF: You caused $300 worth of damage to my car.
MARTY: Wow... that’s not a bad price. Which auto shop did you take your car to?
BIFF: Shut up, butthead! Guys, take him to the back. I’ll be right there, after I take care of some business.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: With Lorraine.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: In this car.
GUYS: ...
BIFF: Man, you guys are dumb.
Behind the School
GUY #1: Hey, let’s put him in this car trunk.
GUY #2: Do you guys smell weed?
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! What you be doin’ to my car?
GUY #3: It’s a giant enemy crab! Run away!
SEBASTIAN: Who in der?
MARTY: Help! I’m locked in the trunk.
SEBASTIAN: Hold on. I’ll go get King Triton.
Parking Lot of Rape
BIFF: *has his way*
GEORGE: Get your damn hands off her.
BIFF: *turns to George*
GEORGE: F*ck.
BIFF: *puts George in the sleeper hold*
GEORGE: *falls asleep*
BIFF: *finishes raping Lorraine, kills Marty, and gets his car fixed... the end*
GEORGE: Yeah, right!
BIFF: *gets punched by George*
LORRAINE: Hot.
PARIS HILTON: That’ll be 26 million dollars, please.
Back to the Behind the School
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I could not find the king, but Flounder here is really good at picking locks.
FLOUNDER: *flops around on the ground*
SEBASTIAN: Hey, mon! I dun think this will work.
TRUNK: *opens*
MARTY: Are you guys gonna keep playing music for the dance so that my parents can kiss?
SEBASTIAN: How can we, mon? We’re just sea creatures. And Flounder looks... dead.
MARTY: Well then how the hell were you playing earlier?
SEBASTIAN: No idea. But, if you are willing to play the bongos, we’ll be more than happy to sing the perfect love song to get your parents to kiss.
The Dance
MARTY: *plays the bongos*
LORRAINE AND GEORGE: *dance*
SEBASTIAN: ♪ Sha-la-la-la-la-la, don’t be scared. You got the mood prepared. Go on and kiss the girl. ♪
SOME BASTARD CHILD: I’m cuttin’ in, McFly!
LORRAINE: *barely fights him off*
MARTY: *starts to disappear*
LORRAINE: George! Save me again!
GEORGE: *punches redheaded freak and lays a smack on Lorraine*
THE AUDIENCE: *gasps*
CAM: No, "smack" as in a kiss.
THE AUDIENCE: Oh.
MARTY: *reappears and plays the bongos like you’ve never seen anyone play them before*
Stairwell of Goodbyes
LORRAINE: George is going to take me home.
MARTY: Good. I had a good feeling about you two.
LORRAINE: Like the relief after a huge fart? I feel that, too.
MARTY: Good luck.
Town Square of Goodbyes
DOC: You’re late.
MARTY: Sorry, I got too into playing the bongos.
DOC: Everything is all set. Just start over there and don’t go until this alarm goes off.
MARTY: Thanks, Doc.
DOC: Thank you.
MARTY AND DOC: *kiss*
MARTY: Is that a letter in your pocket, or are you just happy to kiss me?
DOC: What’s with this letter?
MARTY: Oh yeah...
DOC: Is this about my future?
MARTY: Possibly.
DOC: *tears it up*
MARTY: Fine, I’ll tell you what happens.
TREE BRANCH: *falls onto cable*
DOC: Crap! I need to fix this or it won’t work. You need to go get in position.
MARTY: *gets in position*
DOC: *jungle gyms on clock tower*
MARTY: I got it! I can just go back to teh future a little earlier and warn Doc about getting shot.
CAM: Dude, he has so many options. He could also go back to 1955 after getting more plutonium in the future. He could also go back in time in 1985 and warn Doc. Man, Marty is an idiot.
MARTY: I’m so smart.
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: No wonder John DeLorean went bankrupt.
DOC: *apparently weighs a lot and keeps breaking off pieces of the clock tower ledge*
MARTY: *desperately tries to start car*
ALARM: *goes off*
MARTY: *slams head against horn*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently starts by hitting the horn*
MARTY: Yes! Go, Speed, go!
DOC: *Tarzans down to fix cable*
TIME DELOREAN: *apparently takes one and a half minutes to get up to 88 MPH*
DOC: *attaches cable right when the lightning strikes, electrocuting him*
MARTY: *goes back to the future*
DOC: *apparently survives a 1.21 gigawatt bolt to the body and is impressed with himself*
Town Square 1985
TIME DELOREAN: *appears and runs into some homeless guy*
MARTY: Well, at least I’m changing things in teh present now.
THE LIBYANS: *pass by driving towards the mall*
TIME DELOREAN: *dies*
MARTY: Is this ever going to end?
Lone Pine Mall (<-Did You Catch That?)
MARTY: *apparently runs as fast as a car*
LIBYANS: *still shoot Doc*
MARTY: *watches his old self run away from the Libyans*
OLD MARTY: *hops into the DeLorean*
MARTY: Damn, I have a nice ass.
OLD MARTY: *time travels to 1955*
LIBYANS: *are killed by a photo development booth*
DOC: *is alive*
MARTY: I confused.
DOC: I taped your letter back together.
MARTY: *mancrushes*
Outside the McFly House
MARTY: So, where are you going?
DOC: 30 years into the future.
MARTY: Do you think it’ll be much different?
DOC: Probably not. Hopefully a lot less Mexicans.
MARTY: Well, look me up when you get there. Let me know if I turn out gay so I can change that.
THE AUDIENCE: Wow, racism and homophobia in the same scene.
CAM: What can I say? I’m a classy guy.
DOC: *goes to the future*
The Next Morning at the McFly House
THE FURNITURE: *looks expensive*
MARTY’S SIBLINGS: *are all dressed up*
LORRAINE: *is thin and healthy*
GEORGE: *is freakin’ loaded*
BIFF: *buffs*
MARTY: *gets the truck he always wanted*
JENNIFER: *shows up*
MARTY: I’ll have to remember to go to teh past and change you so that you look hotter somehow.
DOC: *appears in the DeLorean*
MARTY: Aw, hell.
DOC: Marty! You and Jennifer need to come to the future with me!
MARTY: Seriously? I turn out gay!?
DOC: No, no, no. Your kids do!
MARTY: Drive as fast as you can.
FIN.
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