Welcome Back to the Jungle
CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?
JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!
KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?
CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.
KATE: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".
KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.
Previously on Oceanic Flight 815
CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?
CHARLIE: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?
CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.
CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to use
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!
CHARLIE: Just a minute!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!
CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*
PLANE: *shakes*
CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.
The Beach (Not the Leo One)
BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.
SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?
BOONE: *walks away*
CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?
SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.
CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.
SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.
CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.
SHANNON: Boy or girl?
CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.
SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*
Tide Pools
MICHAEL: WALT!?
SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]
MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!
WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.
Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)
SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!
SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.
SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*
KATE: This is hot.
SHANNON: This is hot.
HURLEY: I’m hungry.
SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!
KATE: We found a transceiver.
SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.
HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?
SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.
HURLEY: Let’s be friends.
Later at the Beach
KATE: *takes a sexy bath*
SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]
KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?
SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.
Over by Jack
KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?
JACK: He’s still pulling through.
KATE: I’m going on a hike.
JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?
KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.
JACK: lol, k.
Same Beach, Different Scene
JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*
HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.
WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*
FORESHADOW: What have we here?
MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?
WALT: No.
MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?
WALT: ...
MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.
JACK: Hey, fatty.
HURLEY: ?
JACK: Help me find drugs.
CHARLIE: You can’t have them!
JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*
Over By the Incest Twins
BOONE: What’s wrong?
SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.
BOONE: What’s that?
SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.
BOONE: You’re so dumb.
SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.
BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.
SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.
KATE: No kids allowed.
SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.
KATE: You’re hired.
CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.
KATE: You’re hired, too.
The Island Knife Store
MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?
JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?
MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.
JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?
MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.
JACK: A lab?
MICHAEL: Yes!
JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.
MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?
JACK: I was sort of saving lives.
LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*
WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?
LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?
WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*
JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*
CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.
CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*
CLAIRE: It’s a boy!
JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]
In a Clearing in the Jungle
SAWYER: Try the radio now.
SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]
SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*
EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*
SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*
BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?
CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?
BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?
CHARLIE: Touché.
Island General Hospital
JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?
HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.
JACK: How do you like your steaks?
HURLEY: Rare.
JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.
HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.
Back with the Exploring Group
KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?
SAWYER: Probably bear village.
CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.
KATE: Where did you get the gun from?
SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.
SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?
EVERYONE ELSE: ...
SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.
SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.
SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*
KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*
SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.
Flashback to Kate’s Ways
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?
KATE: No, thanks.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?
MARSHAL: How about a quickie?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?
MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*
MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.
KATE: Nice?
MARSHAL: White.
KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?
PLANE: *splits apart*
KATE: Nevermind!
Jack at Marshal’s
MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?
JACK: A name would help.
Groupies
SAYID: *turns on transceiver*
SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.
SAYID: We’ve got one bar!
BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.
SAYID: I’m getting feedback.
CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?
SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.
KATE: Can we listen to it?
SAYID: Let me find the frequency.
TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.
CHARLIE: The French are coming!
BOONE: That’s what that smell is.
KATE: What is it saying?
BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.
SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."
SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.
BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?
CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...
FIN.
