Disclaimer: I think Eclipse is the best Twilight movie so far, but that’s not saying much. David Slade did a fine job directing, but that doesn’t save us from Melissa Rosenthaw’s screenplay. Hopefully you’ve read my Twilight and New Moon in D/S’s before embarking on this one. If there are any errors, please comment.
Hello Seattle
RILEY: *walks out of a bar and is surprised to find that it’s raining*
CAM: Ah, stereotypes of our city. That’s right people… it rains that hard every single day. Don’t move here. *as he writes this in cloudless mid-90s weather* Stay away!
RILEY: *is attacked by a flying… Carrot Top?... so he heads toward the ocean because vampires hate the water… oh wait, those are witches* Sh*t.
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: *studies for her English final with OMG… it’s Edward… OMG!*
EDWARD: Marry me.
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Okay!
BELLA: Change me.
EDWARD: You’re still in diapers?
BELLA: No, change me into a vampire.
EDWARD: I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.
BELLA: I’ll have to remember that word for my English final.
EDWARD: Are you worried about what people will think?
BELLA: No, I think they’ll quite understand marrying a vampire and then becoming one.
EDWARD: Good, so then marry me.
BELLA: I can’t. I need to be home by 4. *kisses Edward, gets up, turns around, and walks away*
EDWARD: Ah, that shapeless white ass.
Casa de Charlie y Bella
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* 4 o’clock on the dot. That kid trying to brownnose me now or something?
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Edward could brownnose me any day!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* Your early curfew is set in place to separate you and Edward.
BELLA: Dad!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* You can hang out with Jacob as much as you want.
BELLA: Dad, I’m starting to think that you’re an alcoholic.
CHARLIE: You’re a nice lady.
Bella’s Room
BELLA: *calls Jacob*
JACOB’S VOICE MAIL: Hey, this is Jake. Leave a message. And if this is Bella, piss off!
BELLA: *hangs up*
Outside
BELLA: *gets in her car and tries to start it, but it won’t turn over*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: You scared me.
EDWARD: You can’t go to the reservation.
BELLA: How did you know?
EDWARD: Alice.
BELLA: Alice in Wonderland, Alice? Or your sister, Alice?
EDWARD: I don’t know why I even bother sometimes.
BELLA: You’re so dreamy.
Forks High School
JESSICA: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to still be in these movies. I was nominated for an Academy Award for cryin’ out loud!
ERIC: At least you’re the valedictorian in this movie! It was supposed to be me! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALICE: I’ve decided to throw a party.
BELLA: Aw, sweet! Your parties are the best, Alice!
ALICE: Really!?
BELLA: No.
ALICE: *is bummed at first, but then looks like she just made diarrhea in her pants*
Forks Police Station
CHARLIE: *is talking to people at his desk*
BELLA: Is Alice sick or something?
EDWARD: No, she saw something.
BELLA: I know you know what she saw. Tell me.
EDWARD: We just spent 20 minutes alone in my car and you’re just now asking me about all this?
BELLA: *folds her arms and taps her foot*
EDWARD: It’s no big deal. Just this plotpoint we’ve been tracking in Seattle where an army of newborn vampires are uncontrollable and have been killing many people. Charlie is talking to the parents of a kid who has been missing there for over a year now. Like I said, it’s not too important.
CHARLIE: Hey.
EDWARD: I guess that’s my cue. Oh, Bella, don’t forget that the airline ticket that we apparently got for you in the last movie expires this weekend, so you should use it soon to visit your mom. It might be the last time you get to see her.
CHARLIE: ??
EDWARD: Before graduation, that is.
CHARLIE: =/
BELLA: Okay, but only if you go with me.
CHARLIE: >=|
Florida, at Renee’s
RENEE: Don’t you just love it here in Florida? We’ve got sun, beautiful colleges, beaches…
BELLA: Yeah, beaches full of BP oil.
RENEE: Are you sure you don’t want to go to college here instead of Alaska? I just want to make sure you are making the right choices for you because you’re the one that’s going to have to live with them.
BELLA: Live with them… *removes sunglasses* without a soul.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
RENEE: I made you this quilt out of old t-shirts for your graduation present.
BELLA: Aw, you shouldn’t have.
RENEE: Oh, it was nothing.
BELLA: No, mom, seriously… you shouldn’t have. I’ll never use this thing.
RENEE: >=|
On the Forest Moon of Endor
THE CULLENS: *gather*
ALICE: She’s on your left!
EMMETT: *chases Victoria through the woods*
THE WHOLE SCENE: *is like the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi, minus the speeder bikes*
STORMTROOPER EMMETT: *gets thrown into a tree*
VICTORIA: *crosses over the river to werewolf country*
EMMETT: *tries to follow but is immediately smacked down into the river by werewolf Paul* Damn, dog! This was a new hoodie!
Forks High Parking Lot
BELLA AND EDWARD: *drive up*
EDWARD: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
BELLA: It’s the ‘10s, Edward. A woman can do whatever she wants…
JACOB: *is standing near the school in a tight black shirt*
SOME ROCK SONG: *comes on really loud during Jacob’s introduction and mysteriously dies down mid-conversation*
BELLA: …and whoever she wants! Hey, Jakey!
JACOB: I’m just here to warn him that you need to stay off our property.
EDWARD: *under his breath to Jacob* Shut up.
BELLA: What happened?
EDWARD: Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding. It’s nothing.
JACOB: You’re such a liar. Bella is the one that the firecrotch wants.
BELLA: Victoria?
JACOB: Yeah. The one who has been after you for three movies now.
BELLA: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?
JACOB: Phone call? Have you ever actually seen me use a cell phone before? And besides, when I’m in wolf form, where would I put it?
EDWARD: Your butt.
JACOB: What was that!?
EDWARD: Nice butt.
JACOB: That’s what I thought. *turns around to leave on his motorcycle*
BELLA: Wait, I’m going with you. *puts on a helmet (something she could have used in the last movie) and hops on the back of Jacob’s bike*
JACOB: Hold on tight, spider monkey.
EDWARD: Hey, that’s my line!
JACOB AND BELLA: *drive off*
Emily’s House o’ Wolves
QUIL: Hey, Bella! I’m in the gang now.
BELLA: I can see that. You’re shirtless.
JACOB: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter.
BELLA: Oh, cool. And how is your dad doing?
LEAH: He died in the last movie all thanks to you, sl*t. *walks away*
BELLA: Oh, yeah…
JACOB: Don’t worry about her. I’m pretty sure I saw her start her period when I was running behind her in wolf form.
BELLA: Jake, that’s disgusting. Speaking of…
EMILY: Bella! I was wondering when we were going to see your face around here again.
BELLA: And I was wondering when I was going to see your face…
EMILY: …
SAM: …
JACOB: …
BELLA: …
… A.K.A. A Lesson on Imprinting
BELLA: So, when did Leah join the pack?
JACOB: Last book. Her 15 year old brother, Seth, also joined us. Though I wish it was just him and not Leah.
BELLA: Don’t be sexist, sexy.
JACOB: No, I’m just tired of the Leah-Sam-Emily love triangle. Sam left Leah when he met Emily.
BELLA: Well, crushes are like that.
JACOB: It’s more than a crush, Bella. Sam imprinted on Emily.
BELLA: Sounds sexy.
JACOB: No, imprinting is different. It’s like actual love at first sight.
BELLA: Sounds gay.
Back in Bella’s Room
RILEY: *inspects Bella’s dreamcatcher* Huh… no eggs in this nest. *picks up one of Bella’s shirts and sniffs it* Huh… Preparation H. *walks downstairs and finds Charlie sleeping* Huh… I could kiss him like Sleeping Beauty right now.
BELLA: *comes back home*
CHARLIE: Edward should be bringing you home at 4.
BELLA: I was with Jacob, dad.
CHARLIE: Awesome. Did you guys do it?
FRONT DOOR: Knock, knock!
BELLA: *opens*
EDWARD: *in his thickest British accent ever* Do you understand how worried I’ve been!? What’s that smell?
BELLA: Oh, sorry. I farted.
EDWARD: No, something’s wrong.
BELLA: Well, I have been having to use a lot of Preparation H lately.
EDWARD: *runs up to Bella’s room* Someone has been in here.
The Cullen Mansion
CARLISLE: Was it someone we know?
EDWARD: No.
CARLISLE: Someone is orchestrating this.
BELLA: Victoria?
ALICE: No, I would have seen her decide.
EDWARD: The Volturi?
ALICE: I don’t think it’s them either.
ESME: Lady Gaga?
ALICE: He is currently on tour.
EMMETT: James Cameron?
ALICE: I can’t see him unless I put 3D glasses on.
JASPER: Steve Jobs?
ALICE: He’s just trying to play a Flash game on his iPad.
CARLISLE: We’ll set up shifts to guard Bella’s house.
ROSALIE: F*ck.
BELLA: You can’t do it all by yourselves.
EDWARD: What else can we do?
BELLA: Get help.
EDWARD: From who?
Enter McDouche McDoucherson the Douchestick
JACOB: Whoever it was, he left his stink behind. It’ll be hard to miss when we cross it again. We’ll handle it from here.
EDWARD: I’ll handle your face from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle your mom’s face from here!
EDWARD: I’ll handle your mom’s face’s butt from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle…
BELLA: Stop! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
JACOB: Look, Switzerland. He started it!
At the Exchange
EDWARD AND BELLA: *drive up in Edward’s Volvo and get out*
JACOB: Nice Vulva. Your car is not so bad either.
EDWARD: *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate kiss*
BELLA: Happy hunting. *starts to walk over to Jacob*
JACOB: Hey, average lookin’. *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate hug*
EDWARD: Mine was better.
JACOB: Mine is bigger.
EDWARD: =(
JACOB: Wanna go to a pow-wow?
BELLA: For the last time, Jacob. I’m with Edward.
Pow-wowing with the Quileutes
BLACK: Our ancestors found a feminine looking vampire in the woods one day who had killed some of our tribesmen. We killed him, but surprisingly, he was straight and his girlfriend came to our village for vengeance. She killed the chief’s son and right before she was about to kill the chief, his wife plunged a dagger into herself. She sacrificed her life to distract the vampire. She saved the tribe.
BELLA: Ummm… why did she kill herself? Why couldn’t she have just made a small cut on her arm or something?
ALL OF THE QUILEUTES: *stare*
Back in Seattle
BREE: *shaking and scared* What did you do to me?
RILEY: Now that I have a better look at you, you don’t look over 18.
CHRIS HANSON: Why don’t you have a seat right over here? I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on men who…
RILEY: *attacks Chris Hanson and turns him into a vampire*
THE OTHER NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *start attacking each other*
Back at Cullen Home
TV NEWS REPORTER: Police are baffled by the escalating murders and have no leads despite each victim having two round teeth marks on their necks as if a vampire bit them.
CARLISLE: It’s gotten worse. We’re going to have to do something.
JASPER: It takes more than one of our kind to do this.
EDWARD: Newborns.
BELLA: Little babies are doing this?
JASPER: Newborn vampires. It’s when we’re at our most vicious.
BELLA: Awww… little baby vampires are doing this? They’re probably just hungry!
CARLISLE: Someone is creating an army.
BELLA: An army of little baby vampires? How cute!
CARLISLE: No, like an army of people who have just been turned into vampires.
BELLA: An army of vampires? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous.
JASPER: You do remember the Volturi, don’t you?
Back at Swan Home
CHARLIE: *stares at the Missing Person flier with Riley Biers’ name and picture on it* Mmmm…. Biers.
EDWARD AND BELLA: *are upstairs cuddling in her bed*
BELLA: Why are you so against me becoming like you?
EDWARD: Because you just don’t have the hair for it.
Somewhere Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: So, Alice has planned a big graduation party, which you are invited to.
JACOB: *gives a look to Bella like, “Are you f*cking serious?” which can sometimes be confused with his “A beef chalupa sounds really good right now” look and his “I have a semi-boner right now” look*
BELLA: Yeah, I figured that.
JACOB: Bella, you need to hear the truth. You need to know that I’m in love with you.
BELLA: I thought you understood. Edward is my man and you’re just my little playmate.
JACOB: *utters the words that every woman wishes they could hear every single solitary day* I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for you. Until your heart stops beating.
CAM: Can you tell that a woman wrote this screenplay?
JACOB: You wouldn’t have to change for me, or say goodbye to anybody. *places Bella’s hand on his boobies* Feel that? That’s flesh, and blood, and warmth.
BELLA: Have you been practicing this in the mirror, Jakey?
JACOB: Maybe.
BELLA: You’re adorable.
JACOB: Adorable this! *leans in and kiss-raeps Bella*
BELLA: *pushes Jacob away and face-punches him, but since he is so strong, it practically breaks her hand* Ouch, that smarts.
Afterwards, Outside Bella’s House
EDWARD: Don’t you ever touch her against her will again!
JACOB: She doesn’t know what she wants!
EDWARD: Let me give you a clue; wait for her to say the words!
JACOB: Fine! And she will!
CHARLIE: Stop fighting over me! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
EDWARD AND JACOB: *both stare at Charlie for a little bit*
CHARLIE: Just kidding. Not funny? What’s going on?
JACOB: I kissed Bella. And then she punched my face.
CHARLIE: Like in Facepunch? I love that movie.
At the Dr. Cullens’ House
EMMETT: Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
BELLA: Trying to get more lines in this movie?
EMMETT: ...
ROSALIE: *pouts and steps outside*
BELLA: *follows her* Why do you hate me so much?
ROSALIE: Because I’m supposed to look like the most attractive girl in the whole world and I’m only average looking.
BELLA: I think I’m average looking, too.
ROSALIE: Exactly. Bella, have I ever told you about my backstory?
BELLA: No.
ROSALIE: Well, I was in love with Royce King, the most eligible bachelor until he and his group of friends raped me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle saved me and I took my revenge on each of them.
BELLA: *looks like she’s about to fall asleep… wait a minute… no, nevermind, that’s just how Kristen Stewart always looks*
Back in Lovely Seattle
NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *are killing people*
RILEY: I hate this door! *slams car door on the ground* You newbs need to prepare yourselves for what’s coming!
FOUR OF THE VULTURI: *watch from a rooftop*
DEMETRI: They’ve already drawn too much attention.
FELIX: We should talk to Aro about this.
JANE: *casts crucio on Felix* Aro’s decisions are being watched. We’ll wait. *turns off the pain*
FELIX: Ow! You could have just said so. No need to be a b*tch about it.
RILEY: *thought he might have spotted a talented young actress on top of a building, but there’s no one there*
Graduation
JESSICA: When we were 5, they asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, an Academy Award-nominated actress. When we were 10, they asked again, we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, the actress with the most cred in a successful teen franchise. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? … F*CK YOU, YOU DIRTY F*GGOTS! You’ll never catch me! *pushes over the podium, jumps off stage, and runs out of auditorium*
BELLA: *tries to start an infectious clap, but fails*
ERIC: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Alice’s Graduation Party
JACOB: *shows up*
BELLA: WTH are you doing here!?
JACOB: I wanted to say sorry, and I made you this. *hands Bella a wolf charm bracelet*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny! I forgive you.
ALICE: *walks down the stairs and suddenly pauses as if she has just made diarrhea under her skirt*
BELLA: Alice, what’s wrong? Do you need to go potty?
ALICE: No. I saw them. The n00bs are coming here. And they’re after Bella.
JACOB: Not my Bella! We will help.
CARLISLE: Very well, but you’ll need training.
Training on Degobah
THE WOLVES: *show up*
CARLISLE: The newbs are stronger than us. Jasper here has experience with them, so he’ll be leading the training.
JASPER: Alright, now see here, ya’ll. We’s gonna get into some fisticuffs with some of dem newborn vampires, alright? Them things right here gonna be tough. Two things ya’ll canines should know now is don’t let them get their arms around ya, and never go for the obvious kill, mm’kay?
BELLA: When did Jasper get the Southern accent?
EDWARD: *thinks about it for a little bit* Yesterday.
THE CULLENS: *fight each other and I’m not sure how effective the training is… all I know is, I wouldn’t mind having Alice pounce on me from a tree.*
POKÉMON ANNOUNCER: It’s super effective!
BELLA: Jasper, how do you know so much about newbies?
JASPER: Listen here, now, for it’s a sad, sad tale. I led an army of newborn vampires back in the Civil War where I was in the Confederate Army and—
BELLA: Wait… you fought for the South!?
JASPER: Hell yeah! This country wasn’t ‘bouts to take away my blacks. So anyway, this girl was basically pawning me the whole time and—
BELLA: Is this going to be just as boring as Rosalie’s backstory? Because if so, I’ve heard enough.
JASPER: Well, shoooooooot.
Back in the Emerald City
VICTORIA: *basically reveals herself to be the ringleader of the newborn army*
Outside Bella’s House
BELLA: I think I should stay with you during the fight.
EDWARD: Okay, but why do you look totally different?
BELLA: New make-up artist. You like?
EDWARD: Wellllll… it is something to distract me from your boring eyes, so… yes.
At the Site Chosen for the Big Battle
JACOB: What’s the plan, homeslice?
EDWARD: You are going to carry Bella so that your odor masks her scent.
BELLA: Can’t I just use some Summer’s Eve—
JASPER: No! That’s exactly what they’ll expect.
The Swan Home
CHARLIE: Alice, you and your fine self are welcome back here anytime to visit ol’ Uncle Charlie. And thanks for the SoBe, but I think I’m going to stick with my Rainier Beer.
BELLA: Wow, my dad really likes you.
ALICE: That’s because I showed him my boobs. Anyway, you’re off the hook for the battle. He thinks you’re having a sleepover with me at our place, but really you and Edward will have the whole house to yourself to… well, you know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: Come on! You know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: To do… the thing… with…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: 8=====> O
BELLA: I was never very good at math.
ALICE: Forget it. *leaves*
BELLA: Hey, dad.
CHARLIE: Alice showed me her boobies and I liked them.
BELLA: Do you believe there’s any value in marriage?
CHARLIE: Sh*t! Are you pregnant!?!? You should be using protection when you makes the sex!
BELLA: Okay, dad, like, seriously… stop. Edward is… old school.
CHARLIE: “Old school”? Is that like a code for in the butt or something?
BELLA: Okay, dad! Stop! I’m a virgin, okay!? *goes up to her room*
CHARLIE: Yeah, you better be a butt virgin, too, or I’ll go all old school on Edward!
At the Cullen Home… Alone… With Eddie
BELLA: I want to ask you something.
EDWARD: Anything.
BELLA: Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?
EDWARD: Yes.
BELLA: Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition.
EDWARD: Anything you want, it’s yours.
BELLA: You promise?
EDWARD: Yeah…
BELLA: Okay. *grabs Edward’s peepee*
EDWARD: Except that! That’s my no-no spot!
BELLA: Seriously? You’re like a girl.
EDWARD: I want to be married first. It’s my only rule. So… would you do me the honor of marrying me? *gives Bella his mother’s ring*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
EDWARD: I’ll take that as a yes.
Under the Seattle Monorail, Which is Actually a Busy Spot
RILEY: You’re not coming with us.
VICTORIA: It’ll be a last minute decision. I told you how this works.
RILEY: The Cullens… have… powers.
VICTORIA: Yes, that’s what I told you earlier, R-Tard.
Out in the Woods
BELLA: *purposely cuts her finger and rubs blood on trees and plants to confuse the army* This means we’re friends forever now, tree.
EDWARD: You’re going overboard. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the ring I just gave you?
BELLA: I don’t want to risk losing it.
EDWARD: …or risk Jacob seeing it.
JACOB: Risk me seeing what?
BELLA: My vagina!
JACOB: Um…
BELLA: I mean, nothing. Pshhh. *runs fingers through hair*
EDWARD: I’ll see you later. *kisses Bella on the forehead and leaves*
JACOB: Something up?
BELLA: *looks around* Umm… yeah. Vampires are after me.
JACOB: No, I know. I mean anything other than that.
BELLA: Well, I do think you’re going to look like James Carville when you grow up.
At a Nearby Coast
THE ARMY: *walks along the sea floor and can apparently hold their breath for a long time*
EDWARD: *stands on the highest peak of the coastline and waits for someone to acknowledge his exceptional tent-building skills*
JACOB AND BELLA: *arrive*
BELLA: Hey, nice tent.
EDWARD: Oh, this old thing? *smirk*
Hours Later, as it Snows Like Balls
BELLA: S-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o… c-c-c-c-c-c-c-o-l-d.
EDWARD: What can I do?
CAM: Well, for starters, you could have not built a tent on the top of Mount Everest.
JACOB: I can slip in there and warm her up.
EDWARD: I haven’t even slipped in there yet!
JACOB: I was talking about her sleeping bag.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
JACOB: *gets into the sleeping bag with Bella* You know, Bella. You would warm up faster if you were naked.
EDWARD: Don’t do it, Bella. It’s a trick.
BELLA: *falls asleep… or does she?*
EDWARD: You know, if it wasn’t for you being a wolf and all, I might have actually been gay for you.
JACOB: Likewise.
The Next Morning
BELLA: Last night must have been hard for you.
EDWARD: Meh, I was only semi-hard. I can wait until we get married.
JACOB: *suddenly shows up* You’re marrying him!?
BELLA: No! Jake, stay!
JACOB: You think I’m some kind of dog or something? Wait… don’t answer that.
BELLA: I don’t want to lose you.
JACOB: That’s not good enough. You’re going to have to do better than that.
BELLA: Jacob! Poop in my mouth!
JACOB: What!?
BELLA: I’m asking you… poop… in my mouth.
JACOB: O.O
BELLA: What? That’s what wolves do, right?
JACOB: No. Never. I have no idea where you might have heard such a thing.
BELLA: Oh. Well then, kiss me!
JACOB AND BELLA: *kiss passionately*
JACOB: That should have been our first kiss.
BELLA: …
JACOB: Is it too late to reconsider the poop thing now?
BELLA: Yes.
JACOB: Damn. Okay, I’ll be back. *leaves*
BELLA: Did you see what happened?
EDWARD: No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud. He was thinking something like “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she’s kissing me right now. This is amazing. I could really go for some Outback Steakhouse after this. The Bloomin’ Onion sounds really good. I can never finish the whole thing by myself though. Maybe Bella would want to go. Oh no wait, she can’t eat onions around her stupid boyfriend. Or is that garlic? Does garlic affect him? Note to self: bring garlic next time I see Edward. Are we still kissing? This is really nice. I wonder if I should ask if it’s too late to poop in her mouth.”
BELLA: A Bloomin’ Onion does sound really good right now.
EDWARD: You love him.
BELLA: I love you more.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
SETH: *appears in wolf form and sends thoughts to Edward*
EDWARD: The fight is starting.
The Aforementioned Fight
THE CULLENS AND WEREWOLVES: *kick some ass*
Back at the Campsite
EDWARD: Victoria’s close! I can hear her thoughts. She caught my scent. I shouldn’t have had leftover Mexican for breakfast.
BELLA: I thought you don’t kill people.
EDWARD: Mexicans are not human beings, Bella. They are animals.
CARLOS RODRIGUEZ: F*ck this sh*t, Cam! I’m not reading this anymore!
EDWARD: She knew you would be with me. She’s not alone.
RILEY: *appears*
EDWARD: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you as her b*tch. She knows I’ll kill you like a b*tch. In fact, she’ll be glad she doesn’t have to deal with her b*tch anymore.
VICTORIA: Don’t listen, b*tc-… I mean, Riley. I told you about their Jedi mind-tricks.
EDWARD: I can read her mind. She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about, b*tch.
RILEY: *raises eyebrow*
EDWARD: Her words.
VICTORIA: There’s just you.
EDWARD: Think about it. You’re from Forks. No one likes people from Forks. They’re smelly, they listen to music that was popular two years ago, and they overprice their Twilight souvenirs.
BELLA: You know, Edward, I was born in Forks.
EDWARD: Shhh. Riley, she chose you because you know the area. She doesn’t love you.
RILEY: You’re dead. *starts to attack Edward, but is then attacked by Seth*
VICTORIA: *starts to run away*
EDWARD: You won’t get another chance like this again!
VICTORIA: *stops*
EDWARD: You want her! Not in a lesbo way, but you want her! You want me to feel the pain that you felt when I killed James! When I tore him limb from limb! When I hung his head above my fireplace. When I deep fried his biceps and ate them for dinner. When I flossed my teeth with his ponytail. When I turned him into dust.
VICTORIA: *gets so angry that she attacks Edward*
EDWARD: *throws Victoria into a tree* I hate this tree! *knocks the tree down*
TWILIGHT ENVIRONMENTALIST FAN: I’m going to allow this.
VICTORIA: *falls and gets pinned by Edward*
RILEY: *pushes Edward off of her*
VICTORIA: *puts Edward in a headlock*
BELLA: *cuts her arm… yes, just like in that Quileute story*
VICTORIA AND RILEY: *are super distracted*
EDWARD: *punches Riley off*
RILEY: *gets bitten and dragged away by Seth*
VICTORIA: *gets bitten on the neck by Edward so deep and hard that it separates her head from her shoulders and she dies*
EDWARD: Good thinking on cutting your own arm to distract them?
BELLA: Distract them? No, Edward, I’m a cutter. I cut my arms because I love the pain.
EDWARD: LOL, I love you. Come on, Alice needs us to go. *lights his Hello Kitty Zippo and tosses it on Victoria’s dead body*
VICTORIA’S DEAD BODY: *immediately ignites as if she was doused in gasoline*
EDWARD: I guess you could say that this firecrotch… *puts sunglasses on* … is on fire.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Back at the Fight Location
ALICE: *is standing there*
BELLA: Oh, Alice, did you have another accident?
ALICE: What!? No… maybe. Some of the Volturi are coming.
EDWARD: How long?
ALICE: Felix is about 5 inches, Demetri is maybe 6 and a half…
EDWARD: No. How long until they get here?
ALICE: A few minutes.
ONE LAST VAMPIRE: *comes out and crushes Jacob’s bones, but is then killed by the rest of the pack*
BELLA: Jacob!
CARLISLE: The bones on the right half of his body are shattered.
SAM: We’ll take him back to Billy’s.
THE WOLFPACK: *pick up Jacob’s naked body and carry him off*
JASPER: Gay.
ALICE: The Volturi are here!
ALEC: Looks like we missed the party.
EDWARD: We know how you guys like to be fashionably late.
JANE: Looks like you missed one.
ESME: Please don’t kill her! I want a new baby!
JANE: The Volturi don’t give second chances. Felix, kill her.
FELIX: *kills her*
JANE: And so ends The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
CAM: That advertising is not free, Stephanie Meyer.
JANE: Caius would be interested to know that you are still human, Bella.
BELLA: Wow. Dakota Fanning talked to me.
JANE: I am most certainly not Dakota Fanning! I am Jane.
BELLA: Haha. Me, Jane. You, Tarzan. I love acting!
JANE: I can’t stand this. We’re leaving.
BELLA: Wait, wait! Let’s have Emmett play Kerchak!
JANE: *walks away*
BELLA: I loved working with you in The Runaways!
JANE: I liked working with you, too… wait a minute! No! Goodbye!
On the Reservation
BELLA: *drives up* Hey. How’s he doing?
JACOB: *screams in pain from inside the house*
BILLY: Peachy.
CARLISLE: *comes out of the house* He’s going to be all right.
BILLY: Thank you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?
CARLISLE: Let us feed on humans again?
BILLY: Not a chance.
CARLISLE: K, bai!
In Jake’s Bedroom
BELLA: Hey Jake. You look tired. Or dead.
JACOB: Thanks. So, was Edward mad at you for kissing me?
BELLA: No. He was actually really cool with it. Almost encouraging.
JACOB: Damn. You should just be with me. I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.
BELLA: I can’t even chew gum and breathe at the same time, Jacob.
JACOB: You mean chew gum and walk.
BELLA: No, I mean chew gum and breathe. Can’t do it. Charlie hides all of the Doublemint in the pantry ever since I turned purple that one time.
JACOB: I need some time to think.
BELLA: Okay. *leaves*
JACOB: Now… how am I gonna jack off in this sling?
The Meadow of Gayness
EDWARD: August 13th?
BELLA: Yeah. It’s a month before my birthday. It’s also the anniversary of when Michael Phelps set the Olympic record for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I think he’s cute.
EDWARD: I just don’t know why you’re doing this.
BELLA: *stands up and gets really serious* This wasn’t a choice between you and Ja-…
EDWARD: Is this speech going to be long?
BELLA: Maybe.
EDWARD: Here’s your ring.
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
Fin.
Showing posts with label Twilight series. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Twilight series. Show all posts
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
New Moon Pictures
CAM: The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S has been quite successful, despite having no comments (come on, people!). Decided to make some funny captioned pictures for added enjoyability to go with it.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S
Disclaimer: It only seems appropriate that I do a D/S for New Moon since I did one for Twilight. Enjoyed it a lot more than the first movie, but it was a little slow. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.
The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial
BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: Grandma?
OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.
BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*
EDWARD: I’d still do you.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *wakes up from dream*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?
BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.
CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.
Over the Airwaves
RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.
Forks High School Parking Lot
MIKE: Hi, Bella.
EDWARD: *arrives*
MIKE: Bye, Bella.
EDWARD: Happy birthday.
BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!
EDWARD: I’m 109.
BELLA: Gross.
EDWARD: I’d still do me.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Speaking of gay…
JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*
BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!
School Hallway
ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!
ALICE: happy birthday.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: Here’s your gift.
BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.
English Class
TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*
EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.
BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.
EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
EDWARD: Not sure.
The Cullen House
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Thaaaanks.
ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.
EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…
BELLA: Hey! Don’t…
EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.
BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.
EMMETT: …
ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.
ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*
BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.
JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*
EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*
CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*
BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*
ALICE: I gtg.
CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.
Carlisle’s Office
CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
CARLISLE: Not sure.
Bella’s Truck
BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.
EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.
BELLA: Kiss me.
THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*
EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.
Back at School
EDWARD: *does not show up*
BELLA: =*(
Bella’s House
EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.
BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.
EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.
BELLA: =\
The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)
EDWARD: We’re leaving.
BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?
EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.
BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!
EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.
BELLA: You’re joking.
EDWARD: *is gone*
BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*
KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!
Back at Charlie’s House
CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?
HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.
CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?
HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.
CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.
SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*
CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.
The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie
BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*
CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*
Outside One Day
CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.
BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.
CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.
BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.
CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.
BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.
Los Port Angeles
JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.
CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*
BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.
BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?
BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?
The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On
BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.
BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*
Back at the Biker Bar
JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?
BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.
JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.
BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.
Enter Jacob
BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.
JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.
QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.
CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*
JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.
EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.
QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*
BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.
EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.
BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*
CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.
Somewhere in La Push
BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!
JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.
BELLA: Rush?
JACOB: Yeah.
BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
JACOB: …
BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫
JACOB: Um… Bel-
BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫
JACOB: Bella, we should really be-
BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫
JACOB: You-
BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫
CAM: *has officially lost some readers*
The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner
JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?
BELLA: Helmet?
JACOB: No. Go!
BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*
JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*
JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*
School Days
ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.
ERIC: I don’ berieve.
ANGELA: It was black and huge!
ERIC: That’s what she said.
BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.
MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?
BELLA: Yeah, sure.
MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.
BELLA: …
ERIC: …
JESSICA: …
ANGELA: …
MIKE: Wait... what!?
BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!
MIKE: SWEET!
BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!
MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.
While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched
MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.
JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.
MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*
JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.
BELLA: Poor guy.
JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.
HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*
JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?
BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.
JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*
MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.
JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.
MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…
BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.
JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.
BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.
MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.
JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.
CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.
Bella’s House
BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*
Jacob’s Place
BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?
JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.
BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.
JACOB: Go away.
BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*
JACOB: You lied to me!
BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*
JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.
BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.
CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.
BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.
At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle
MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*
LAURENT: Hey, Bella.
BELLA: F*ck.
LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?
BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Just you wait.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Any minute now.
LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.
HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*
Swan Residence
BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!
CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*
BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!
HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?
BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?
CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!
HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.
Up in Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*
JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*
BELLA: Whoa.
JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Okay. *leaves*
CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.
The Black Residence
BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?
BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!
BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.
JACOB: *is asleep*
BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?
PAUL: What did he tell you?
BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…
PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?
BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*
PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.
SAM: Paul! Calm down!
PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*
BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*
JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!
BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!
JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*
BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.
JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*
SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.
Emily’s
QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.
BELLA: Why would I stare?
EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*
BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!
QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*
BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!
EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.
BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*
SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.
La Push, Baby!
BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.
JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.
BELLA: You killed all those people.
JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.
BELLA: You can’t.
JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.
BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.
JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.
BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?
JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.
BELLA: Me. She’s after me.
JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?
BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.
JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.
The Coolest Sequence in the Movie
HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*
VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*
HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*
CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*
THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*
BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock andunconsciously consciously drowns*
JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.
BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.
In the Truck
JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.
BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.
JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?
BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.
JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*
BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*
JACOB: *closes door*
BELLA: No means no, Jacob.
JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.
BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*
In Her House
BELLA: Alice!
ALICE: Are you stupid or something?
BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?
ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?
BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.
ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!
ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.
BELLA: Oh…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …
ALICE: What’s that smell?
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*
ALICE: It smells like wet dog.
BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.
ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.
JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!
ALICE: Victoria has been here?
BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.
ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*
JACOB: Is he here?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.
BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*
TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*
JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.
ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!
BELLA: But I’m not dead.
ALICE: Right.
BELLA: But he thinks I am.
ALICE: Uh huh.
BELLA: So, he wants to die.
ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.
BELLA: So that means…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …that means…
ALICE: …
JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…
ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.
BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…
In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice
BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.
At the Volturi’s Temple
EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?
ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.
EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.
ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*
EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.
ARO: Oh. Pity.
Back in the Ferrari
BELLA: Where did you get this car?
ALICE: I lifted it.
BELLA: Lifted it to where?
ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.
BELLA: So, we can go back home?
ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.
BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!
ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.
BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?
ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.
BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?
Volterra Town Square
BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*
EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*
BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!
EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫
BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.
EDWARD: You’re alive.
BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?
EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>
BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?
EDWARD: Yeah… <.<
FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*
DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.
EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!
ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?
JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!
EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.
BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!
JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.
BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!
JANE: No, I’m a scary…
BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!
JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!
BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.
The Volturi Temple
ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.
BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?
EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.
ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*
EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!
ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?
BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*
ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.
EDWARD: No!
JANE: Painful acting.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*
ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.
JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*
BELLA: …
JANE: …
BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?
JANE: Grrrrrrr!
ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.
EDWARD: Tell me about it.
ARO: Felix, kill them all.
EDWARD: What!? Why!?
ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.
FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*
ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*
BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!
ARO: Very well.
ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.
ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.
BELLA: What? Just like that?
ARO: Yep.
BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?
ARO: Uh huh.
BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?
ARO: Pretty much, yeah.
BELLA: Mother f…
Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA
CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?
BELLA: Maybe.
CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.
BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?
CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*
EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.
BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Right?
EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.
BELLA: But, Alice saw…
EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.
BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.
EDWARD: *shakes his head*
BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*
The Next Day at the Cullen House
BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?
ALICE: Aye.
JASPER: Aye.
ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.
CARLISLE: You’re welcome.
EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*
PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
EMMETT: =X
ESME: Aye.
CARLISLE: Aye.
EDWARD: B*tches.
Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva
BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.
EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*
JACOB: *scowls*
EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.
In the Woods
JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.
EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.
JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.
BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.
JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!
BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.
EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.
JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*
BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.
JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*
BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.
EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: *anime gasp*
FIN.
The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial
BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: Grandma?
OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.
BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*
EDWARD: I’d still do you.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *wakes up from dream*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?
BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.
CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.
Over the Airwaves
RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.
Forks High School Parking Lot
MIKE: Hi, Bella.
EDWARD: *arrives*
MIKE: Bye, Bella.
EDWARD: Happy birthday.
BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!
EDWARD: I’m 109.
BELLA: Gross.
EDWARD: I’d still do me.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Speaking of gay…
JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*
BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!
School Hallway
ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!
ALICE: happy birthday.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: Here’s your gift.
BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.
English Class
TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*
EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.
BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.
EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
EDWARD: Not sure.
The Cullen House
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Thaaaanks.
ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.
EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…
BELLA: Hey! Don’t…
EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.
BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.
EMMETT: …
ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.
ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*
BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.
JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*
EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*
CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*
BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*
ALICE: I gtg.
CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.
Carlisle’s Office
CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
CARLISLE: Not sure.
Bella’s Truck
BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.
EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.
BELLA: Kiss me.
THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*
EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.
Back at School
EDWARD: *does not show up*
BELLA: =*(
Bella’s House
EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.
BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.
EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.
BELLA: =\
The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)
EDWARD: We’re leaving.
BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?
EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.
BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!
EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.
BELLA: You’re joking.
EDWARD: *is gone*
BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*
KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!
Back at Charlie’s House
CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?
HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.
CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?
HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.
CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.
SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*
CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.
The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie
BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*
CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*
Outside One Day
CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.
BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.
CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.
BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.
CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.
BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.
Los Port Angeles
JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.
CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*
BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.
BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?
BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?
The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On
BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.
BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*
Back at the Biker Bar
JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?
BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.
JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.
BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.
Enter Jacob
BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.
JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.
QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.
CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*
JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.
EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.
QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*
BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.
EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.
BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*
CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.
Somewhere in La Push
BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!
JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.
BELLA: Rush?
JACOB: Yeah.
BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
JACOB: …
BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫
JACOB: Um… Bel-
BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫
JACOB: Bella, we should really be-
BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫
JACOB: You-
BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫
CAM: *has officially lost some readers*
The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner
JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?
BELLA: Helmet?
JACOB: No. Go!
BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*
JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*
JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*
School Days
ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.
ERIC: I don’ berieve.
ANGELA: It was black and huge!
ERIC: That’s what she said.
BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.
MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?
BELLA: Yeah, sure.
MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.
BELLA: …
ERIC: …
JESSICA: …
ANGELA: …
MIKE: Wait... what!?
BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!
MIKE: SWEET!
BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!
MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.
While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched
MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.
JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.
MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*
JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.
BELLA: Poor guy.
JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.
HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*
JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?
BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.
JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*
MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.
JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.
MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…
BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.
JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.
BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.
MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.
JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.
CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.
Bella’s House
BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*
Jacob’s Place
BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?
JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.
BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.
JACOB: Go away.
BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*
JACOB: You lied to me!
BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*
JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.
BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.
CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.
BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.
At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle
MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*
LAURENT: Hey, Bella.
BELLA: F*ck.
LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?
BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Just you wait.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Any minute now.
LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.
HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*
Swan Residence
BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!
CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*
BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!
HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?
BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?
CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!
HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.
Up in Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*
JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*
BELLA: Whoa.
JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Okay. *leaves*
CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.
The Black Residence
BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?
BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!
BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.
JACOB: *is asleep*
BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?
PAUL: What did he tell you?
BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…
PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?
BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*
PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.
SAM: Paul! Calm down!
PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*
BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*
JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!
BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!
JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*
BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.
JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*
SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.
Emily’s
QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.
BELLA: Why would I stare?
EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*
BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!
QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*
BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!
EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.
BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*
SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.
La Push, Baby!
BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.
JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.
BELLA: You killed all those people.
JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.
BELLA: You can’t.
JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.
BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.
JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.
BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?
JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.
BELLA: Me. She’s after me.
JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?
BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.
JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.
The Coolest Sequence in the Movie
HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*
VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*
HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*
CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*
THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*
BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock and
JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.
BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.
In the Truck
JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.
BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.
JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?
BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.
JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*
BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*
JACOB: *closes door*
BELLA: No means no, Jacob.
JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.
BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*
In Her House
BELLA: Alice!
ALICE: Are you stupid or something?
BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?
ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?
BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.
ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!
ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.
BELLA: Oh…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …
ALICE: What’s that smell?
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*
ALICE: It smells like wet dog.
BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.
ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.
JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!
ALICE: Victoria has been here?
BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.
ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*
JACOB: Is he here?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.
BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*
TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*
JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.
ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!
BELLA: But I’m not dead.
ALICE: Right.
BELLA: But he thinks I am.
ALICE: Uh huh.
BELLA: So, he wants to die.
ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.
BELLA: So that means…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …that means…
ALICE: …
JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…
ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.
BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…
In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice
BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.
At the Volturi’s Temple
EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?
ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.
EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.
ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*
EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.
ARO: Oh. Pity.
Back in the Ferrari
BELLA: Where did you get this car?
ALICE: I lifted it.
BELLA: Lifted it to where?
ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.
BELLA: So, we can go back home?
ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.
BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!
ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.
BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?
ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.
BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?
Volterra Town Square
BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*
EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*
BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!
EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫
BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.
EDWARD: You’re alive.
BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?
EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>
BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?
EDWARD: Yeah… <.<
FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*
DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.
EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!
ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?
JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!
EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.
BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!
JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.
BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!
JANE: No, I’m a scary…
BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!
JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!
BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.
The Volturi Temple
ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.
BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?
EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.
ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*
EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!
ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?
BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*
ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.
EDWARD: No!
JANE: Painful acting.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*
ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.
JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*
BELLA: …
JANE: …
BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?
JANE: Grrrrrrr!
ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.
EDWARD: Tell me about it.
ARO: Felix, kill them all.
EDWARD: What!? Why!?
ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.
FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*
ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*
BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!
ARO: Very well.
ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.
ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.
BELLA: What? Just like that?
ARO: Yep.
BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?
ARO: Uh huh.
BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?
ARO: Pretty much, yeah.
BELLA: Mother f…
Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA
CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?
BELLA: Maybe.
CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.
BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?
CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*
EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.
BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Right?
EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.
BELLA: But, Alice saw…
EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.
BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.
EDWARD: *shakes his head*
BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*
The Next Day at the Cullen House
BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?
ALICE: Aye.
JASPER: Aye.
ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.
CARLISLE: You’re welcome.
EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*
PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
EMMETT: =X
ESME: Aye.
CARLISLE: Aye.
EDWARD: B*tches.
Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva
BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.
EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*
JACOB: *scowls*
EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.
In the Woods
JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.
EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.
JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.
BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.
JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!
BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.
EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.
JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*
BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.
JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*
BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.
EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: *anime gasp*
FIN.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Twilight D/S
Disclaimer: Twilight was a meh movie. It was fun to see images in my head come to life, but I thought the movie quality was terrible. It should be pretty easy to make fun of it. I saw that Cleo recently wrote a m15m on this and refused to read it so I wouldn’t steal any jokes. So, any similarities are purely coincidental. I still think she’s hilarious. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Twilight Error."
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’sVulva Volvo
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’s
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
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