Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’s
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
