The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial
BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: Grandma?
OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.
BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*
EDWARD: I’d still do you.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *wakes up from dream*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?
BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.
CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.
Over the Airwaves
RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.
Forks High School Parking Lot
MIKE: Hi, Bella.
EDWARD: *arrives*
MIKE: Bye, Bella.
EDWARD: Happy birthday.
BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!
EDWARD: I’m 109.
BELLA: Gross.
EDWARD: I’d still do me.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Speaking of gay…
JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*
BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!
School Hallway
ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!
ALICE: happy birthday.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: Here’s your gift.
BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.
English Class
TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*
EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.
BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.
EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
EDWARD: Not sure.
The Cullen House
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Thaaaanks.
ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.
EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…
BELLA: Hey! Don’t…
EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.
BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.
EMMETT: …
ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.
ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*
BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.
JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*
EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*
CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*
BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*
ALICE: I gtg.
CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.
Carlisle’s Office
CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
CARLISLE: Not sure.
Bella’s Truck
BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.
EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.
BELLA: Kiss me.
THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*
EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.
Back at School
EDWARD: *does not show up*
BELLA: =*(
Bella’s House
EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.
BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.
EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.
BELLA: =\
The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)
EDWARD: We’re leaving.
BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?
EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.
BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!
EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.
BELLA: You’re joking.
EDWARD: *is gone*
BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*
KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!
Back at Charlie’s House
CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?
HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.
CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?
HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.
CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.
SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*
CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.
The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie
BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*
CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*
Outside One Day
CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.
BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.
CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.
BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.
CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.
BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.
Los Port Angeles
JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.
CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*
BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.
BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?
BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?
The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On
BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.
BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*
Back at the Biker Bar
JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?
BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.
JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.
BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.
Enter Jacob
BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.
JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.
QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.
CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*
JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.
EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.
QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*
BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.
EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.
BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*
CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.
Somewhere in La Push
BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!
JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.
BELLA: Rush?
JACOB: Yeah.
BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
JACOB: …
BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫
JACOB: Um… Bel-
BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫
JACOB: Bella, we should really be-
BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫
JACOB: You-
BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫
CAM: *has officially lost some readers*
The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner
JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?
BELLA: Helmet?
JACOB: No. Go!
BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*
JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*
JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*
School Days
ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.
ERIC: I don’ berieve.
ANGELA: It was black and huge!
ERIC: That’s what she said.
BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.
MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?
BELLA: Yeah, sure.
MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.
BELLA: …
ERIC: …
JESSICA: …
ANGELA: …
MIKE: Wait... what!?
BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!
MIKE: SWEET!
BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!
MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.
While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched
MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.
JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.
MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*
JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.
BELLA: Poor guy.
JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.
HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*
JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?
BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.
JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*
MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.
JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.
MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…
BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.
JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.
BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.
MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.
JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.
CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.
Bella’s House
BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*
Jacob’s Place
BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?
JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.
BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.
JACOB: Go away.
BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*
JACOB: You lied to me!
BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*
JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.
BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.
CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.
BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.
At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle
MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*
LAURENT: Hey, Bella.
BELLA: F*ck.
LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?
BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Just you wait.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Any minute now.
LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.
HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*
Swan Residence
BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!
CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*
BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!
HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?
BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?
CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!
HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.
Up in Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*
JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*
BELLA: Whoa.
JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Okay. *leaves*
CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.
The Black Residence
BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?
BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!
BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.
JACOB: *is asleep*
BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?
PAUL: What did he tell you?
BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…
PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?
BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*
PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.
SAM: Paul! Calm down!
PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*
BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*
JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!
BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!
JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*
BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.
JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*
SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.
Emily’s
QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.
BELLA: Why would I stare?
EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*
BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!
QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*
BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!
EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.
BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*
SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.
La Push, Baby!
BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.
JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.
BELLA: You killed all those people.
JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.
BELLA: You can’t.
JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.
BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.
JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.
BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?
JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.
BELLA: Me. She’s after me.
JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?
BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.
JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.
The Coolest Sequence in the Movie
HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*
VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*
HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*
CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*
THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*
BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock and
JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.
BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.
In the Truck
JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.
BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.
JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?
BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.
JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*
BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*
JACOB: *closes door*
BELLA: No means no, Jacob.
JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.
BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*
In Her House
BELLA: Alice!
ALICE: Are you stupid or something?
BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?
ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?
BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.
ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!
ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.
BELLA: Oh…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …
ALICE: What’s that smell?
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*
ALICE: It smells like wet dog.
BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.
ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.
JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!
ALICE: Victoria has been here?
BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.
ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*
JACOB: Is he here?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.
BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*
TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*
JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.
ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!
BELLA: But I’m not dead.
ALICE: Right.
BELLA: But he thinks I am.
ALICE: Uh huh.
BELLA: So, he wants to die.
ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.
BELLA: So that means…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …that means…
ALICE: …
JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…
ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.
BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…
In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice
BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.
At the Volturi’s Temple
EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?
ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.
EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.
ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*
EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.
ARO: Oh. Pity.
Back in the Ferrari
BELLA: Where did you get this car?
ALICE: I lifted it.
BELLA: Lifted it to where?
ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.
BELLA: So, we can go back home?
ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.
BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!
ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.
BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?
ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.
BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?
Volterra Town Square
BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*
EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*
BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!
EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫
BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.
EDWARD: You’re alive.
BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?
EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>
BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?
EDWARD: Yeah… <.<
FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*
DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.
EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!
ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?
JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!
EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.
BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!
JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.
BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!
JANE: No, I’m a scary…
BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!
JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!
BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.
The Volturi Temple
ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.
BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?
EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.
ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*
EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!
ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?
BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*
ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.
EDWARD: No!
JANE: Painful acting.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*
ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.
JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*
BELLA: …
JANE: …
BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?
JANE: Grrrrrrr!
ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.
EDWARD: Tell me about it.
ARO: Felix, kill them all.
EDWARD: What!? Why!?
ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.
FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*
ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*
BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!
ARO: Very well.
ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.
ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.
BELLA: What? Just like that?
ARO: Yep.
BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?
ARO: Uh huh.
BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?
ARO: Pretty much, yeah.
BELLA: Mother f…
Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA
CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?
BELLA: Maybe.
CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.
BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?
CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*
EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.
BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Right?
EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.
BELLA: But, Alice saw…
EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.
BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.
EDWARD: *shakes his head*
BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*
The Next Day at the Cullen House
BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?
ALICE: Aye.
JASPER: Aye.
ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.
CARLISLE: You’re welcome.
EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*
PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
EMMETT: =X
ESME: Aye.
CARLISLE: Aye.
EDWARD: B*tches.
Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva
BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.
EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*
JACOB: *scowls*
EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.
In the Woods
JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.
EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.
JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.
BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.
JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!
BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.
EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.
JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*
BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.
JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*
BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.
EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: *anime gasp*
FIN.
