CAM: *gets in line with Andrew to get new security badge*
BADGE EMPLOYEE: *looks like he plays WoW a lot... while eating lots of lard-dipped pork rinds*
GUY: Hello. I need a new card.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: May I ask the reason?
GUY: The RAS chip is broken.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Ah, I see. Do you keep it in your wallet?
GUY: Yes.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, that's why. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.
GUY: Oh, okay. I will buy one of those.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Very good. Would you like to use the same picture?
GUY: Yes, please. I actually kind of like that one because I look younger.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Guess how old I am?
GUY: Um... oh, I wouldn't begin to know...
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Just guess.
GUY: I don't know. 35? 37?
BADGE EMPLOYEE: 42.
GUY: Oh, wow!
CAM: *would have guessed 52*
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Yep. The answer to it all, or everything. No. The answer to life, the universe, and all of it.
GUY: Oh, right.
CAM: Wrong.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: From that Hitchiker's Book.
GUY: Yeah.
CAM: So wrong.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: It's actually not a bad little movie. It had Marvin Freeman play the robot.
CAM: *facepalms*
BADGE EMPLOYEE: And the girl who plays Trillian was good. She was that girl in Get Smart.
GUY: Right.
CAM: OMG, idiots.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Alright, there you go. *hands over badge*
GUY: Thank you.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Greetings.
ANDREW: Hello. I need a new badge because my name has rubbed off on this one.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Do you keep it in your wallet?
ANDREW: Sometimes. I usually hang it from my belt.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, it's probably because you put it in your wallet. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.
ANDREW: Alright, I will.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: ...
ANDREW: Well, you're the keeper of the badges, aren't you?
BADGE EMPLOYEE: That's me. The badge master.
ANDREW: *looks back at Cam*
CAM: Don't laugh, don't laugh, don't laugh...
BADGE EMPLOYEE: And there you go. Your new badge.
ANDREW: Thank you.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: You're welcome.
CAM: Hello.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Go Mariners.
CAM: Um... yes. I need a new card.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: I actually like the Seahawks more.
CAM: They're entirely different sports teams. Oh.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: But they're not having a great season.
CAM: Well, at least they're doing better than the Cowboys. *looks back at Andrew*
ANDREW: >=|
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Indeed. May I ask where you keep your badge?
CAM: Well, I used to keep it in my wallet, but ever since I got this awesome badge shield thing, I-...
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Well, it's probably messed up because you put it in your wallet. We recommend placing it in one of these hard shields.
CAM: Yep, that's why I got this. *holds up badge shield*
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Hard. Shields.
CAM: 'Kay.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Would you like to use the same picture?
CAM: Yes, please.
BADGE EMPLOYEE: Very well. There you go. *hands over badge*
CAM: Thanks.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, October 01, 2010
Aunt Flo
CAM: What happens when a girl really does have an Aunt Flo in her family?
GIRLFRIEND: Aunt Flo is visiting.
BOYFRIEND: Oh. =(
GIRLFRIEND: No, seriously. My Aunt Flo is visiting here.
BOYFRIEND: Yeah, I heard you the first time. That sucks.
GIRLFRIEND: I love my Aunt Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Really? I thought you chicks hated having periods. Isn't it inconvenient?
GIRLFRIEND: No, you're still not understanding. I actually have a relative Aunt Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Relatively large Aunt Flo, or relatively small Aunt Flo?
GIRLFRIEND: Well... large, I guess. Are you still thinking that I'm talking about periods?
BOYFRIEND: No. Yes... maybe.
GIRLFRIEND: Well, I'm not. My mom's sister is Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Your aunt is also on her period? Why would you share that information with each other? You barely even talk to your aunt.
GIRLFRIEND: Hence why she is coming to visit here!
BOYFRIEND: So you can talk about her period?
GIRLFRIEND: No, so Aunt Flo can visit!
BOYFRIEND: Whoa! Periods are transferable!? I did not know that. Well, you learn something new everyday.
GIRLFRIEND: No, they aren't transferable! Okay, start over. *speaking slowly* My mom's sister named Aunt Flo is going to visit us here at our house tomorrow.
BOYFRIEND: She's going to bring her and her period to our house!?
GIRLFRIEND: SHE'S NOT...! *sighs and calms down* Yes.
BOYFRIEND: Fine. Wanna have sex?
GIRLFRIEND: No. I'm on my period.
GIRLFRIEND: Aunt Flo is visiting.
BOYFRIEND: Oh. =(
GIRLFRIEND: No, seriously. My Aunt Flo is visiting here.
BOYFRIEND: Yeah, I heard you the first time. That sucks.
GIRLFRIEND: I love my Aunt Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Really? I thought you chicks hated having periods. Isn't it inconvenient?
GIRLFRIEND: No, you're still not understanding. I actually have a relative Aunt Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Relatively large Aunt Flo, or relatively small Aunt Flo?
GIRLFRIEND: Well... large, I guess. Are you still thinking that I'm talking about periods?
BOYFRIEND: No. Yes... maybe.
GIRLFRIEND: Well, I'm not. My mom's sister is Flo.
BOYFRIEND: Your aunt is also on her period? Why would you share that information with each other? You barely even talk to your aunt.
GIRLFRIEND: Hence why she is coming to visit here!
BOYFRIEND: So you can talk about her period?
GIRLFRIEND: No, so Aunt Flo can visit!
BOYFRIEND: Whoa! Periods are transferable!? I did not know that. Well, you learn something new everyday.
GIRLFRIEND: No, they aren't transferable! Okay, start over. *speaking slowly* My mom's sister named Aunt Flo is going to visit us here at our house tomorrow.
BOYFRIEND: She's going to bring her and her period to our house!?
GIRLFRIEND: SHE'S NOT...! *sighs and calms down* Yes.
BOYFRIEND: Fine. Wanna have sex?
GIRLFRIEND: No. I'm on my period.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse in D/S
Disclaimer: I think Eclipse is the best Twilight movie so far, but that’s not saying much. David Slade did a fine job directing, but that doesn’t save us from Melissa Rosenthaw’s screenplay. Hopefully you’ve read my Twilight and New Moon in D/S’s before embarking on this one. If there are any errors, please comment.
Hello Seattle
RILEY: *walks out of a bar and is surprised to find that it’s raining*
CAM: Ah, stereotypes of our city. That’s right people… it rains that hard every single day. Don’t move here. *as he writes this in cloudless mid-90s weather* Stay away!
RILEY: *is attacked by a flying… Carrot Top?... so he heads toward the ocean because vampires hate the water… oh wait, those are witches* Sh*t.
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: *studies for her English final with OMG… it’s Edward… OMG!*
EDWARD: Marry me.
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Okay!
BELLA: Change me.
EDWARD: You’re still in diapers?
BELLA: No, change me into a vampire.
EDWARD: I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.
BELLA: I’ll have to remember that word for my English final.
EDWARD: Are you worried about what people will think?
BELLA: No, I think they’ll quite understand marrying a vampire and then becoming one.
EDWARD: Good, so then marry me.
BELLA: I can’t. I need to be home by 4. *kisses Edward, gets up, turns around, and walks away*
EDWARD: Ah, that shapeless white ass.
Casa de Charlie y Bella
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* 4 o’clock on the dot. That kid trying to brownnose me now or something?
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Edward could brownnose me any day!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* Your early curfew is set in place to separate you and Edward.
BELLA: Dad!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* You can hang out with Jacob as much as you want.
BELLA: Dad, I’m starting to think that you’re an alcoholic.
CHARLIE: You’re a nice lady.
Bella’s Room
BELLA: *calls Jacob*
JACOB’S VOICE MAIL: Hey, this is Jake. Leave a message. And if this is Bella, piss off!
BELLA: *hangs up*
Outside
BELLA: *gets in her car and tries to start it, but it won’t turn over*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: You scared me.
EDWARD: You can’t go to the reservation.
BELLA: How did you know?
EDWARD: Alice.
BELLA: Alice in Wonderland, Alice? Or your sister, Alice?
EDWARD: I don’t know why I even bother sometimes.
BELLA: You’re so dreamy.
Forks High School
JESSICA: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to still be in these movies. I was nominated for an Academy Award for cryin’ out loud!
ERIC: At least you’re the valedictorian in this movie! It was supposed to be me! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALICE: I’ve decided to throw a party.
BELLA: Aw, sweet! Your parties are the best, Alice!
ALICE: Really!?
BELLA: No.
ALICE: *is bummed at first, but then looks like she just made diarrhea in her pants*
Forks Police Station
CHARLIE: *is talking to people at his desk*
BELLA: Is Alice sick or something?
EDWARD: No, she saw something.
BELLA: I know you know what she saw. Tell me.
EDWARD: We just spent 20 minutes alone in my car and you’re just now asking me about all this?
BELLA: *folds her arms and taps her foot*
EDWARD: It’s no big deal. Just this plotpoint we’ve been tracking in Seattle where an army of newborn vampires are uncontrollable and have been killing many people. Charlie is talking to the parents of a kid who has been missing there for over a year now. Like I said, it’s not too important.
CHARLIE: Hey.
EDWARD: I guess that’s my cue. Oh, Bella, don’t forget that the airline ticket that we apparently got for you in the last movie expires this weekend, so you should use it soon to visit your mom. It might be the last time you get to see her.
CHARLIE: ??
EDWARD: Before graduation, that is.
CHARLIE: =/
BELLA: Okay, but only if you go with me.
CHARLIE: >=|
Florida, at Renee’s
RENEE: Don’t you just love it here in Florida? We’ve got sun, beautiful colleges, beaches…
BELLA: Yeah, beaches full of BP oil.
RENEE: Are you sure you don’t want to go to college here instead of Alaska? I just want to make sure you are making the right choices for you because you’re the one that’s going to have to live with them.
BELLA: Live with them… *removes sunglasses* without a soul.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
RENEE: I made you this quilt out of old t-shirts for your graduation present.
BELLA: Aw, you shouldn’t have.
RENEE: Oh, it was nothing.
BELLA: No, mom, seriously… you shouldn’t have. I’ll never use this thing.
RENEE: >=|
On the Forest Moon of Endor
THE CULLENS: *gather*
ALICE: She’s on your left!
EMMETT: *chases Victoria through the woods*
THE WHOLE SCENE: *is like the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi, minus the speeder bikes*
STORMTROOPER EMMETT: *gets thrown into a tree*
VICTORIA: *crosses over the river to werewolf country*
EMMETT: *tries to follow but is immediately smacked down into the river by werewolf Paul* Damn, dog! This was a new hoodie!
Forks High Parking Lot
BELLA AND EDWARD: *drive up*
EDWARD: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
BELLA: It’s the ‘10s, Edward. A woman can do whatever she wants…
JACOB: *is standing near the school in a tight black shirt*
SOME ROCK SONG: *comes on really loud during Jacob’s introduction and mysteriously dies down mid-conversation*
BELLA: …and whoever she wants! Hey, Jakey!
JACOB: I’m just here to warn him that you need to stay off our property.
EDWARD: *under his breath to Jacob* Shut up.
BELLA: What happened?
EDWARD: Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding. It’s nothing.
JACOB: You’re such a liar. Bella is the one that the firecrotch wants.
BELLA: Victoria?
JACOB: Yeah. The one who has been after you for three movies now.
BELLA: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?
JACOB: Phone call? Have you ever actually seen me use a cell phone before? And besides, when I’m in wolf form, where would I put it?
EDWARD: Your butt.
JACOB: What was that!?
EDWARD: Nice butt.
JACOB: That’s what I thought. *turns around to leave on his motorcycle*
BELLA: Wait, I’m going with you. *puts on a helmet (something she could have used in the last movie) and hops on the back of Jacob’s bike*
JACOB: Hold on tight, spider monkey.
EDWARD: Hey, that’s my line!
JACOB AND BELLA: *drive off*
Emily’s House o’ Wolves
QUIL: Hey, Bella! I’m in the gang now.
BELLA: I can see that. You’re shirtless.
JACOB: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter.
BELLA: Oh, cool. And how is your dad doing?
LEAH: He died in the last movie all thanks to you, sl*t. *walks away*
BELLA: Oh, yeah…
JACOB: Don’t worry about her. I’m pretty sure I saw her start her period when I was running behind her in wolf form.
BELLA: Jake, that’s disgusting. Speaking of…
EMILY: Bella! I was wondering when we were going to see your face around here again.
BELLA: And I was wondering when I was going to see your face…
EMILY: …
SAM: …
JACOB: …
BELLA: …
… A.K.A. A Lesson on Imprinting
BELLA: So, when did Leah join the pack?
JACOB: Last book. Her 15 year old brother, Seth, also joined us. Though I wish it was just him and not Leah.
BELLA: Don’t be sexist, sexy.
JACOB: No, I’m just tired of the Leah-Sam-Emily love triangle. Sam left Leah when he met Emily.
BELLA: Well, crushes are like that.
JACOB: It’s more than a crush, Bella. Sam imprinted on Emily.
BELLA: Sounds sexy.
JACOB: No, imprinting is different. It’s like actual love at first sight.
BELLA: Sounds gay.
Back in Bella’s Room
RILEY: *inspects Bella’s dreamcatcher* Huh… no eggs in this nest. *picks up one of Bella’s shirts and sniffs it* Huh… Preparation H. *walks downstairs and finds Charlie sleeping* Huh… I could kiss him like Sleeping Beauty right now.
BELLA: *comes back home*
CHARLIE: Edward should be bringing you home at 4.
BELLA: I was with Jacob, dad.
CHARLIE: Awesome. Did you guys do it?
FRONT DOOR: Knock, knock!
BELLA: *opens*
EDWARD: *in his thickest British accent ever* Do you understand how worried I’ve been!? What’s that smell?
BELLA: Oh, sorry. I farted.
EDWARD: No, something’s wrong.
BELLA: Well, I have been having to use a lot of Preparation H lately.
EDWARD: *runs up to Bella’s room* Someone has been in here.
The Cullen Mansion
CARLISLE: Was it someone we know?
EDWARD: No.
CARLISLE: Someone is orchestrating this.
BELLA: Victoria?
ALICE: No, I would have seen her decide.
EDWARD: The Volturi?
ALICE: I don’t think it’s them either.
ESME: Lady Gaga?
ALICE: He is currently on tour.
EMMETT: James Cameron?
ALICE: I can’t see him unless I put 3D glasses on.
JASPER: Steve Jobs?
ALICE: He’s just trying to play a Flash game on his iPad.
CARLISLE: We’ll set up shifts to guard Bella’s house.
ROSALIE: F*ck.
BELLA: You can’t do it all by yourselves.
EDWARD: What else can we do?
BELLA: Get help.
EDWARD: From who?
Enter McDouche McDoucherson the Douchestick
JACOB: Whoever it was, he left his stink behind. It’ll be hard to miss when we cross it again. We’ll handle it from here.
EDWARD: I’ll handle your face from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle your mom’s face from here!
EDWARD: I’ll handle your mom’s face’s butt from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle…
BELLA: Stop! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
JACOB: Look, Switzerland. He started it!
At the Exchange
EDWARD AND BELLA: *drive up in Edward’s Volvo and get out*
JACOB: Nice Vulva. Your car is not so bad either.
EDWARD: *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate kiss*
BELLA: Happy hunting. *starts to walk over to Jacob*
JACOB: Hey, average lookin’. *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate hug*
EDWARD: Mine was better.
JACOB: Mine is bigger.
EDWARD: =(
JACOB: Wanna go to a pow-wow?
BELLA: For the last time, Jacob. I’m with Edward.
Pow-wowing with the Quileutes
BLACK: Our ancestors found a feminine looking vampire in the woods one day who had killed some of our tribesmen. We killed him, but surprisingly, he was straight and his girlfriend came to our village for vengeance. She killed the chief’s son and right before she was about to kill the chief, his wife plunged a dagger into herself. She sacrificed her life to distract the vampire. She saved the tribe.
BELLA: Ummm… why did she kill herself? Why couldn’t she have just made a small cut on her arm or something?
ALL OF THE QUILEUTES: *stare*
Back in Seattle
BREE: *shaking and scared* What did you do to me?
RILEY: Now that I have a better look at you, you don’t look over 18.
CHRIS HANSON: Why don’t you have a seat right over here? I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on men who…
RILEY: *attacks Chris Hanson and turns him into a vampire*
THE OTHER NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *start attacking each other*
Back at Cullen Home
TV NEWS REPORTER: Police are baffled by the escalating murders and have no leads despite each victim having two round teeth marks on their necks as if a vampire bit them.
CARLISLE: It’s gotten worse. We’re going to have to do something.
JASPER: It takes more than one of our kind to do this.
EDWARD: Newborns.
BELLA: Little babies are doing this?
JASPER: Newborn vampires. It’s when we’re at our most vicious.
BELLA: Awww… little baby vampires are doing this? They’re probably just hungry!
CARLISLE: Someone is creating an army.
BELLA: An army of little baby vampires? How cute!
CARLISLE: No, like an army of people who have just been turned into vampires.
BELLA: An army of vampires? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous.
JASPER: You do remember the Volturi, don’t you?
Back at Swan Home
CHARLIE: *stares at the Missing Person flier with Riley Biers’ name and picture on it* Mmmm…. Biers.
EDWARD AND BELLA: *are upstairs cuddling in her bed*
BELLA: Why are you so against me becoming like you?
EDWARD: Because you just don’t have the hair for it.
Somewhere Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: So, Alice has planned a big graduation party, which you are invited to.
JACOB: *gives a look to Bella like, “Are you f*cking serious?” which can sometimes be confused with his “A beef chalupa sounds really good right now” look and his “I have a semi-boner right now” look*
BELLA: Yeah, I figured that.
JACOB: Bella, you need to hear the truth. You need to know that I’m in love with you.
BELLA: I thought you understood. Edward is my man and you’re just my little playmate.
JACOB: *utters the words that every woman wishes they could hear every single solitary day* I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for you. Until your heart stops beating.
CAM: Can you tell that a woman wrote this screenplay?
JACOB: You wouldn’t have to change for me, or say goodbye to anybody. *places Bella’s hand on his boobies* Feel that? That’s flesh, and blood, and warmth.
BELLA: Have you been practicing this in the mirror, Jakey?
JACOB: Maybe.
BELLA: You’re adorable.
JACOB: Adorable this! *leans in and kiss-raeps Bella*
BELLA: *pushes Jacob away and face-punches him, but since he is so strong, it practically breaks her hand* Ouch, that smarts.
Afterwards, Outside Bella’s House
EDWARD: Don’t you ever touch her against her will again!
JACOB: She doesn’t know what she wants!
EDWARD: Let me give you a clue; wait for her to say the words!
JACOB: Fine! And she will!
CHARLIE: Stop fighting over me! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
EDWARD AND JACOB: *both stare at Charlie for a little bit*
CHARLIE: Just kidding. Not funny? What’s going on?
JACOB: I kissed Bella. And then she punched my face.
CHARLIE: Like in Facepunch? I love that movie.
At the Dr. Cullens’ House
EMMETT: Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
BELLA: Trying to get more lines in this movie?
EMMETT: ...
ROSALIE: *pouts and steps outside*
BELLA: *follows her* Why do you hate me so much?
ROSALIE: Because I’m supposed to look like the most attractive girl in the whole world and I’m only average looking.
BELLA: I think I’m average looking, too.
ROSALIE: Exactly. Bella, have I ever told you about my backstory?
BELLA: No.
ROSALIE: Well, I was in love with Royce King, the most eligible bachelor until he and his group of friends raped me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle saved me and I took my revenge on each of them.
BELLA: *looks like she’s about to fall asleep… wait a minute… no, nevermind, that’s just how Kristen Stewart always looks*
Back in Lovely Seattle
NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *are killing people*
RILEY: I hate this door! *slams car door on the ground* You newbs need to prepare yourselves for what’s coming!
FOUR OF THE VULTURI: *watch from a rooftop*
DEMETRI: They’ve already drawn too much attention.
FELIX: We should talk to Aro about this.
JANE: *casts crucio on Felix* Aro’s decisions are being watched. We’ll wait. *turns off the pain*
FELIX: Ow! You could have just said so. No need to be a b*tch about it.
RILEY: *thought he might have spotted a talented young actress on top of a building, but there’s no one there*
Graduation
JESSICA: When we were 5, they asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, an Academy Award-nominated actress. When we were 10, they asked again, we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, the actress with the most cred in a successful teen franchise. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? … F*CK YOU, YOU DIRTY F*GGOTS! You’ll never catch me! *pushes over the podium, jumps off stage, and runs out of auditorium*
BELLA: *tries to start an infectious clap, but fails*
ERIC: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Alice’s Graduation Party
JACOB: *shows up*
BELLA: WTH are you doing here!?
JACOB: I wanted to say sorry, and I made you this. *hands Bella a wolf charm bracelet*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny! I forgive you.
ALICE: *walks down the stairs and suddenly pauses as if she has just made diarrhea under her skirt*
BELLA: Alice, what’s wrong? Do you need to go potty?
ALICE: No. I saw them. The n00bs are coming here. And they’re after Bella.
JACOB: Not my Bella! We will help.
CARLISLE: Very well, but you’ll need training.
Training on Degobah
THE WOLVES: *show up*
CARLISLE: The newbs are stronger than us. Jasper here has experience with them, so he’ll be leading the training.
JASPER: Alright, now see here, ya’ll. We’s gonna get into some fisticuffs with some of dem newborn vampires, alright? Them things right here gonna be tough. Two things ya’ll canines should know now is don’t let them get their arms around ya, and never go for the obvious kill, mm’kay?
BELLA: When did Jasper get the Southern accent?
EDWARD: *thinks about it for a little bit* Yesterday.
THE CULLENS: *fight each other and I’m not sure how effective the training is… all I know is, I wouldn’t mind having Alice pounce on me from a tree.*
POKÉMON ANNOUNCER: It’s super effective!
BELLA: Jasper, how do you know so much about newbies?
JASPER: Listen here, now, for it’s a sad, sad tale. I led an army of newborn vampires back in the Civil War where I was in the Confederate Army and—
BELLA: Wait… you fought for the South!?
JASPER: Hell yeah! This country wasn’t ‘bouts to take away my blacks. So anyway, this girl was basically pawning me the whole time and—
BELLA: Is this going to be just as boring as Rosalie’s backstory? Because if so, I’ve heard enough.
JASPER: Well, shoooooooot.
Back in the Emerald City
VICTORIA: *basically reveals herself to be the ringleader of the newborn army*
Outside Bella’s House
BELLA: I think I should stay with you during the fight.
EDWARD: Okay, but why do you look totally different?
BELLA: New make-up artist. You like?
EDWARD: Wellllll… it is something to distract me from your boring eyes, so… yes.
At the Site Chosen for the Big Battle
JACOB: What’s the plan, homeslice?
EDWARD: You are going to carry Bella so that your odor masks her scent.
BELLA: Can’t I just use some Summer’s Eve—
JASPER: No! That’s exactly what they’ll expect.
The Swan Home
CHARLIE: Alice, you and your fine self are welcome back here anytime to visit ol’ Uncle Charlie. And thanks for the SoBe, but I think I’m going to stick with my Rainier Beer.
BELLA: Wow, my dad really likes you.
ALICE: That’s because I showed him my boobs. Anyway, you’re off the hook for the battle. He thinks you’re having a sleepover with me at our place, but really you and Edward will have the whole house to yourself to… well, you know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: Come on! You know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: To do… the thing… with…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: 8=====> O
BELLA: I was never very good at math.
ALICE: Forget it. *leaves*
BELLA: Hey, dad.
CHARLIE: Alice showed me her boobies and I liked them.
BELLA: Do you believe there’s any value in marriage?
CHARLIE: Sh*t! Are you pregnant!?!? You should be using protection when you makes the sex!
BELLA: Okay, dad, like, seriously… stop. Edward is… old school.
CHARLIE: “Old school”? Is that like a code for in the butt or something?
BELLA: Okay, dad! Stop! I’m a virgin, okay!? *goes up to her room*
CHARLIE: Yeah, you better be a butt virgin, too, or I’ll go all old school on Edward!
At the Cullen Home… Alone… With Eddie
BELLA: I want to ask you something.
EDWARD: Anything.
BELLA: Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?
EDWARD: Yes.
BELLA: Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition.
EDWARD: Anything you want, it’s yours.
BELLA: You promise?
EDWARD: Yeah…
BELLA: Okay. *grabs Edward’s peepee*
EDWARD: Except that! That’s my no-no spot!
BELLA: Seriously? You’re like a girl.
EDWARD: I want to be married first. It’s my only rule. So… would you do me the honor of marrying me? *gives Bella his mother’s ring*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
EDWARD: I’ll take that as a yes.
Under the Seattle Monorail, Which is Actually a Busy Spot
RILEY: You’re not coming with us.
VICTORIA: It’ll be a last minute decision. I told you how this works.
RILEY: The Cullens… have… powers.
VICTORIA: Yes, that’s what I told you earlier, R-Tard.
Out in the Woods
BELLA: *purposely cuts her finger and rubs blood on trees and plants to confuse the army* This means we’re friends forever now, tree.
EDWARD: You’re going overboard. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the ring I just gave you?
BELLA: I don’t want to risk losing it.
EDWARD: …or risk Jacob seeing it.
JACOB: Risk me seeing what?
BELLA: My vagina!
JACOB: Um…
BELLA: I mean, nothing. Pshhh. *runs fingers through hair*
EDWARD: I’ll see you later. *kisses Bella on the forehead and leaves*
JACOB: Something up?
BELLA: *looks around* Umm… yeah. Vampires are after me.
JACOB: No, I know. I mean anything other than that.
BELLA: Well, I do think you’re going to look like James Carville when you grow up.
At a Nearby Coast
THE ARMY: *walks along the sea floor and can apparently hold their breath for a long time*
EDWARD: *stands on the highest peak of the coastline and waits for someone to acknowledge his exceptional tent-building skills*
JACOB AND BELLA: *arrive*
BELLA: Hey, nice tent.
EDWARD: Oh, this old thing? *smirk*
Hours Later, as it Snows Like Balls
BELLA: S-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o… c-c-c-c-c-c-c-o-l-d.
EDWARD: What can I do?
CAM: Well, for starters, you could have not built a tent on the top of Mount Everest.
JACOB: I can slip in there and warm her up.
EDWARD: I haven’t even slipped in there yet!
JACOB: I was talking about her sleeping bag.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
JACOB: *gets into the sleeping bag with Bella* You know, Bella. You would warm up faster if you were naked.
EDWARD: Don’t do it, Bella. It’s a trick.
BELLA: *falls asleep… or does she?*
EDWARD: You know, if it wasn’t for you being a wolf and all, I might have actually been gay for you.
JACOB: Likewise.
The Next Morning
BELLA: Last night must have been hard for you.
EDWARD: Meh, I was only semi-hard. I can wait until we get married.
JACOB: *suddenly shows up* You’re marrying him!?
BELLA: No! Jake, stay!
JACOB: You think I’m some kind of dog or something? Wait… don’t answer that.
BELLA: I don’t want to lose you.
JACOB: That’s not good enough. You’re going to have to do better than that.
BELLA: Jacob! Poop in my mouth!
JACOB: What!?
BELLA: I’m asking you… poop… in my mouth.
JACOB: O.O
BELLA: What? That’s what wolves do, right?
JACOB: No. Never. I have no idea where you might have heard such a thing.
BELLA: Oh. Well then, kiss me!
JACOB AND BELLA: *kiss passionately*
JACOB: That should have been our first kiss.
BELLA: …
JACOB: Is it too late to reconsider the poop thing now?
BELLA: Yes.
JACOB: Damn. Okay, I’ll be back. *leaves*
BELLA: Did you see what happened?
EDWARD: No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud. He was thinking something like “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she’s kissing me right now. This is amazing. I could really go for some Outback Steakhouse after this. The Bloomin’ Onion sounds really good. I can never finish the whole thing by myself though. Maybe Bella would want to go. Oh no wait, she can’t eat onions around her stupid boyfriend. Or is that garlic? Does garlic affect him? Note to self: bring garlic next time I see Edward. Are we still kissing? This is really nice. I wonder if I should ask if it’s too late to poop in her mouth.”
BELLA: A Bloomin’ Onion does sound really good right now.
EDWARD: You love him.
BELLA: I love you more.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
SETH: *appears in wolf form and sends thoughts to Edward*
EDWARD: The fight is starting.
The Aforementioned Fight
THE CULLENS AND WEREWOLVES: *kick some ass*
Back at the Campsite
EDWARD: Victoria’s close! I can hear her thoughts. She caught my scent. I shouldn’t have had leftover Mexican for breakfast.
BELLA: I thought you don’t kill people.
EDWARD: Mexicans are not human beings, Bella. They are animals.
CARLOS RODRIGUEZ: F*ck this sh*t, Cam! I’m not reading this anymore!
EDWARD: She knew you would be with me. She’s not alone.
RILEY: *appears*
EDWARD: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you as her b*tch. She knows I’ll kill you like a b*tch. In fact, she’ll be glad she doesn’t have to deal with her b*tch anymore.
VICTORIA: Don’t listen, b*tc-… I mean, Riley. I told you about their Jedi mind-tricks.
EDWARD: I can read her mind. She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about, b*tch.
RILEY: *raises eyebrow*
EDWARD: Her words.
VICTORIA: There’s just you.
EDWARD: Think about it. You’re from Forks. No one likes people from Forks. They’re smelly, they listen to music that was popular two years ago, and they overprice their Twilight souvenirs.
BELLA: You know, Edward, I was born in Forks.
EDWARD: Shhh. Riley, she chose you because you know the area. She doesn’t love you.
RILEY: You’re dead. *starts to attack Edward, but is then attacked by Seth*
VICTORIA: *starts to run away*
EDWARD: You won’t get another chance like this again!
VICTORIA: *stops*
EDWARD: You want her! Not in a lesbo way, but you want her! You want me to feel the pain that you felt when I killed James! When I tore him limb from limb! When I hung his head above my fireplace. When I deep fried his biceps and ate them for dinner. When I flossed my teeth with his ponytail. When I turned him into dust.
VICTORIA: *gets so angry that she attacks Edward*
EDWARD: *throws Victoria into a tree* I hate this tree! *knocks the tree down*
TWILIGHT ENVIRONMENTALIST FAN: I’m going to allow this.
VICTORIA: *falls and gets pinned by Edward*
RILEY: *pushes Edward off of her*
VICTORIA: *puts Edward in a headlock*
BELLA: *cuts her arm… yes, just like in that Quileute story*
VICTORIA AND RILEY: *are super distracted*
EDWARD: *punches Riley off*
RILEY: *gets bitten and dragged away by Seth*
VICTORIA: *gets bitten on the neck by Edward so deep and hard that it separates her head from her shoulders and she dies*
EDWARD: Good thinking on cutting your own arm to distract them?
BELLA: Distract them? No, Edward, I’m a cutter. I cut my arms because I love the pain.
EDWARD: LOL, I love you. Come on, Alice needs us to go. *lights his Hello Kitty Zippo and tosses it on Victoria’s dead body*
VICTORIA’S DEAD BODY: *immediately ignites as if she was doused in gasoline*
EDWARD: I guess you could say that this firecrotch… *puts sunglasses on* … is on fire.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Back at the Fight Location
ALICE: *is standing there*
BELLA: Oh, Alice, did you have another accident?
ALICE: What!? No… maybe. Some of the Volturi are coming.
EDWARD: How long?
ALICE: Felix is about 5 inches, Demetri is maybe 6 and a half…
EDWARD: No. How long until they get here?
ALICE: A few minutes.
ONE LAST VAMPIRE: *comes out and crushes Jacob’s bones, but is then killed by the rest of the pack*
BELLA: Jacob!
CARLISLE: The bones on the right half of his body are shattered.
SAM: We’ll take him back to Billy’s.
THE WOLFPACK: *pick up Jacob’s naked body and carry him off*
JASPER: Gay.
ALICE: The Volturi are here!
ALEC: Looks like we missed the party.
EDWARD: We know how you guys like to be fashionably late.
JANE: Looks like you missed one.
ESME: Please don’t kill her! I want a new baby!
JANE: The Volturi don’t give second chances. Felix, kill her.
FELIX: *kills her*
JANE: And so ends The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
CAM: That advertising is not free, Stephanie Meyer.
JANE: Caius would be interested to know that you are still human, Bella.
BELLA: Wow. Dakota Fanning talked to me.
JANE: I am most certainly not Dakota Fanning! I am Jane.
BELLA: Haha. Me, Jane. You, Tarzan. I love acting!
JANE: I can’t stand this. We’re leaving.
BELLA: Wait, wait! Let’s have Emmett play Kerchak!
JANE: *walks away*
BELLA: I loved working with you in The Runaways!
JANE: I liked working with you, too… wait a minute! No! Goodbye!
On the Reservation
BELLA: *drives up* Hey. How’s he doing?
JACOB: *screams in pain from inside the house*
BILLY: Peachy.
CARLISLE: *comes out of the house* He’s going to be all right.
BILLY: Thank you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?
CARLISLE: Let us feed on humans again?
BILLY: Not a chance.
CARLISLE: K, bai!
In Jake’s Bedroom
BELLA: Hey Jake. You look tired. Or dead.
JACOB: Thanks. So, was Edward mad at you for kissing me?
BELLA: No. He was actually really cool with it. Almost encouraging.
JACOB: Damn. You should just be with me. I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.
BELLA: I can’t even chew gum and breathe at the same time, Jacob.
JACOB: You mean chew gum and walk.
BELLA: No, I mean chew gum and breathe. Can’t do it. Charlie hides all of the Doublemint in the pantry ever since I turned purple that one time.
JACOB: I need some time to think.
BELLA: Okay. *leaves*
JACOB: Now… how am I gonna jack off in this sling?
The Meadow of Gayness
EDWARD: August 13th?
BELLA: Yeah. It’s a month before my birthday. It’s also the anniversary of when Michael Phelps set the Olympic record for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I think he’s cute.
EDWARD: I just don’t know why you’re doing this.
BELLA: *stands up and gets really serious* This wasn’t a choice between you and Ja-…
EDWARD: Is this speech going to be long?
BELLA: Maybe.
EDWARD: Here’s your ring.
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
Fin.
Hello Seattle
RILEY: *walks out of a bar and is surprised to find that it’s raining*
CAM: Ah, stereotypes of our city. That’s right people… it rains that hard every single day. Don’t move here. *as he writes this in cloudless mid-90s weather* Stay away!
RILEY: *is attacked by a flying… Carrot Top?... so he heads toward the ocean because vampires hate the water… oh wait, those are witches* Sh*t.
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: *studies for her English final with OMG… it’s Edward… OMG!*
EDWARD: Marry me.
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Okay!
BELLA: Change me.
EDWARD: You’re still in diapers?
BELLA: No, change me into a vampire.
EDWARD: I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.
BELLA: I’ll have to remember that word for my English final.
EDWARD: Are you worried about what people will think?
BELLA: No, I think they’ll quite understand marrying a vampire and then becoming one.
EDWARD: Good, so then marry me.
BELLA: I can’t. I need to be home by 4. *kisses Edward, gets up, turns around, and walks away*
EDWARD: Ah, that shapeless white ass.
Casa de Charlie y Bella
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* 4 o’clock on the dot. That kid trying to brownnose me now or something?
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Edward could brownnose me any day!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* Your early curfew is set in place to separate you and Edward.
BELLA: Dad!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* You can hang out with Jacob as much as you want.
BELLA: Dad, I’m starting to think that you’re an alcoholic.
CHARLIE: You’re a nice lady.
Bella’s Room
BELLA: *calls Jacob*
JACOB’S VOICE MAIL: Hey, this is Jake. Leave a message. And if this is Bella, piss off!
BELLA: *hangs up*
Outside
BELLA: *gets in her car and tries to start it, but it won’t turn over*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: You scared me.
EDWARD: You can’t go to the reservation.
BELLA: How did you know?
EDWARD: Alice.
BELLA: Alice in Wonderland, Alice? Or your sister, Alice?
EDWARD: I don’t know why I even bother sometimes.
BELLA: You’re so dreamy.
Forks High School
JESSICA: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to still be in these movies. I was nominated for an Academy Award for cryin’ out loud!
ERIC: At least you’re the valedictorian in this movie! It was supposed to be me! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALICE: I’ve decided to throw a party.
BELLA: Aw, sweet! Your parties are the best, Alice!
ALICE: Really!?
BELLA: No.
ALICE: *is bummed at first, but then looks like she just made diarrhea in her pants*
Forks Police Station
CHARLIE: *is talking to people at his desk*
BELLA: Is Alice sick or something?
EDWARD: No, she saw something.
BELLA: I know you know what she saw. Tell me.
EDWARD: We just spent 20 minutes alone in my car and you’re just now asking me about all this?
BELLA: *folds her arms and taps her foot*
EDWARD: It’s no big deal. Just this plotpoint we’ve been tracking in Seattle where an army of newborn vampires are uncontrollable and have been killing many people. Charlie is talking to the parents of a kid who has been missing there for over a year now. Like I said, it’s not too important.
CHARLIE: Hey.
EDWARD: I guess that’s my cue. Oh, Bella, don’t forget that the airline ticket that we apparently got for you in the last movie expires this weekend, so you should use it soon to visit your mom. It might be the last time you get to see her.
CHARLIE: ??
EDWARD: Before graduation, that is.
CHARLIE: =/
BELLA: Okay, but only if you go with me.
CHARLIE: >=|
Florida, at Renee’s
RENEE: Don’t you just love it here in Florida? We’ve got sun, beautiful colleges, beaches…
BELLA: Yeah, beaches full of BP oil.
RENEE: Are you sure you don’t want to go to college here instead of Alaska? I just want to make sure you are making the right choices for you because you’re the one that’s going to have to live with them.
BELLA: Live with them… *removes sunglasses* without a soul.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
RENEE: I made you this quilt out of old t-shirts for your graduation present.
BELLA: Aw, you shouldn’t have.
RENEE: Oh, it was nothing.
BELLA: No, mom, seriously… you shouldn’t have. I’ll never use this thing.
RENEE: >=|
On the Forest Moon of Endor
THE CULLENS: *gather*
ALICE: She’s on your left!
EMMETT: *chases Victoria through the woods*
THE WHOLE SCENE: *is like the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi, minus the speeder bikes*
STORMTROOPER EMMETT: *gets thrown into a tree*
VICTORIA: *crosses over the river to werewolf country*
EMMETT: *tries to follow but is immediately smacked down into the river by werewolf Paul* Damn, dog! This was a new hoodie!
Forks High Parking Lot
BELLA AND EDWARD: *drive up*
EDWARD: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
BELLA: It’s the ‘10s, Edward. A woman can do whatever she wants…
JACOB: *is standing near the school in a tight black shirt*
SOME ROCK SONG: *comes on really loud during Jacob’s introduction and mysteriously dies down mid-conversation*
BELLA: …and whoever she wants! Hey, Jakey!
JACOB: I’m just here to warn him that you need to stay off our property.
EDWARD: *under his breath to Jacob* Shut up.
BELLA: What happened?
EDWARD: Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding. It’s nothing.
JACOB: You’re such a liar. Bella is the one that the firecrotch wants.
BELLA: Victoria?
JACOB: Yeah. The one who has been after you for three movies now.
BELLA: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?
JACOB: Phone call? Have you ever actually seen me use a cell phone before? And besides, when I’m in wolf form, where would I put it?
EDWARD: Your butt.
JACOB: What was that!?
EDWARD: Nice butt.
JACOB: That’s what I thought. *turns around to leave on his motorcycle*
BELLA: Wait, I’m going with you. *puts on a helmet (something she could have used in the last movie) and hops on the back of Jacob’s bike*
JACOB: Hold on tight, spider monkey.
EDWARD: Hey, that’s my line!
JACOB AND BELLA: *drive off*
Emily’s House o’ Wolves
QUIL: Hey, Bella! I’m in the gang now.
BELLA: I can see that. You’re shirtless.
JACOB: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter.
BELLA: Oh, cool. And how is your dad doing?
LEAH: He died in the last movie all thanks to you, sl*t. *walks away*
BELLA: Oh, yeah…
JACOB: Don’t worry about her. I’m pretty sure I saw her start her period when I was running behind her in wolf form.
BELLA: Jake, that’s disgusting. Speaking of…
EMILY: Bella! I was wondering when we were going to see your face around here again.
BELLA: And I was wondering when I was going to see your face…
EMILY: …
SAM: …
JACOB: …
BELLA: …
… A.K.A. A Lesson on Imprinting
BELLA: So, when did Leah join the pack?
JACOB: Last book. Her 15 year old brother, Seth, also joined us. Though I wish it was just him and not Leah.
BELLA: Don’t be sexist, sexy.
JACOB: No, I’m just tired of the Leah-Sam-Emily love triangle. Sam left Leah when he met Emily.
BELLA: Well, crushes are like that.
JACOB: It’s more than a crush, Bella. Sam imprinted on Emily.
BELLA: Sounds sexy.
JACOB: No, imprinting is different. It’s like actual love at first sight.
BELLA: Sounds gay.
Back in Bella’s Room
RILEY: *inspects Bella’s dreamcatcher* Huh… no eggs in this nest. *picks up one of Bella’s shirts and sniffs it* Huh… Preparation H. *walks downstairs and finds Charlie sleeping* Huh… I could kiss him like Sleeping Beauty right now.
BELLA: *comes back home*
CHARLIE: Edward should be bringing you home at 4.
BELLA: I was with Jacob, dad.
CHARLIE: Awesome. Did you guys do it?
FRONT DOOR: Knock, knock!
BELLA: *opens*
EDWARD: *in his thickest British accent ever* Do you understand how worried I’ve been!? What’s that smell?
BELLA: Oh, sorry. I farted.
EDWARD: No, something’s wrong.
BELLA: Well, I have been having to use a lot of Preparation H lately.
EDWARD: *runs up to Bella’s room* Someone has been in here.
The Cullen Mansion
CARLISLE: Was it someone we know?
EDWARD: No.
CARLISLE: Someone is orchestrating this.
BELLA: Victoria?
ALICE: No, I would have seen her decide.
EDWARD: The Volturi?
ALICE: I don’t think it’s them either.
ESME: Lady Gaga?
ALICE: He is currently on tour.
EMMETT: James Cameron?
ALICE: I can’t see him unless I put 3D glasses on.
JASPER: Steve Jobs?
ALICE: He’s just trying to play a Flash game on his iPad.
CARLISLE: We’ll set up shifts to guard Bella’s house.
ROSALIE: F*ck.
BELLA: You can’t do it all by yourselves.
EDWARD: What else can we do?
BELLA: Get help.
EDWARD: From who?
Enter McDouche McDoucherson the Douchestick
JACOB: Whoever it was, he left his stink behind. It’ll be hard to miss when we cross it again. We’ll handle it from here.
EDWARD: I’ll handle your face from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle your mom’s face from here!
EDWARD: I’ll handle your mom’s face’s butt from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle…
BELLA: Stop! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
JACOB: Look, Switzerland. He started it!
At the Exchange
EDWARD AND BELLA: *drive up in Edward’s Volvo and get out*
JACOB: Nice Vulva. Your car is not so bad either.
EDWARD: *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate kiss*
BELLA: Happy hunting. *starts to walk over to Jacob*
JACOB: Hey, average lookin’. *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate hug*
EDWARD: Mine was better.
JACOB: Mine is bigger.
EDWARD: =(
JACOB: Wanna go to a pow-wow?
BELLA: For the last time, Jacob. I’m with Edward.
Pow-wowing with the Quileutes
BLACK: Our ancestors found a feminine looking vampire in the woods one day who had killed some of our tribesmen. We killed him, but surprisingly, he was straight and his girlfriend came to our village for vengeance. She killed the chief’s son and right before she was about to kill the chief, his wife plunged a dagger into herself. She sacrificed her life to distract the vampire. She saved the tribe.
BELLA: Ummm… why did she kill herself? Why couldn’t she have just made a small cut on her arm or something?
ALL OF THE QUILEUTES: *stare*
Back in Seattle
BREE: *shaking and scared* What did you do to me?
RILEY: Now that I have a better look at you, you don’t look over 18.
CHRIS HANSON: Why don’t you have a seat right over here? I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on men who…
RILEY: *attacks Chris Hanson and turns him into a vampire*
THE OTHER NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *start attacking each other*
Back at Cullen Home
TV NEWS REPORTER: Police are baffled by the escalating murders and have no leads despite each victim having two round teeth marks on their necks as if a vampire bit them.
CARLISLE: It’s gotten worse. We’re going to have to do something.
JASPER: It takes more than one of our kind to do this.
EDWARD: Newborns.
BELLA: Little babies are doing this?
JASPER: Newborn vampires. It’s when we’re at our most vicious.
BELLA: Awww… little baby vampires are doing this? They’re probably just hungry!
CARLISLE: Someone is creating an army.
BELLA: An army of little baby vampires? How cute!
CARLISLE: No, like an army of people who have just been turned into vampires.
BELLA: An army of vampires? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous.
JASPER: You do remember the Volturi, don’t you?
Back at Swan Home
CHARLIE: *stares at the Missing Person flier with Riley Biers’ name and picture on it* Mmmm…. Biers.
EDWARD AND BELLA: *are upstairs cuddling in her bed*
BELLA: Why are you so against me becoming like you?
EDWARD: Because you just don’t have the hair for it.
Somewhere Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: So, Alice has planned a big graduation party, which you are invited to.
JACOB: *gives a look to Bella like, “Are you f*cking serious?” which can sometimes be confused with his “A beef chalupa sounds really good right now” look and his “I have a semi-boner right now” look*
BELLA: Yeah, I figured that.
JACOB: Bella, you need to hear the truth. You need to know that I’m in love with you.
BELLA: I thought you understood. Edward is my man and you’re just my little playmate.
JACOB: *utters the words that every woman wishes they could hear every single solitary day* I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for you. Until your heart stops beating.
CAM: Can you tell that a woman wrote this screenplay?
JACOB: You wouldn’t have to change for me, or say goodbye to anybody. *places Bella’s hand on his boobies* Feel that? That’s flesh, and blood, and warmth.
BELLA: Have you been practicing this in the mirror, Jakey?
JACOB: Maybe.
BELLA: You’re adorable.
JACOB: Adorable this! *leans in and kiss-raeps Bella*
BELLA: *pushes Jacob away and face-punches him, but since he is so strong, it practically breaks her hand* Ouch, that smarts.
Afterwards, Outside Bella’s House
EDWARD: Don’t you ever touch her against her will again!
JACOB: She doesn’t know what she wants!
EDWARD: Let me give you a clue; wait for her to say the words!
JACOB: Fine! And she will!
CHARLIE: Stop fighting over me! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
EDWARD AND JACOB: *both stare at Charlie for a little bit*
CHARLIE: Just kidding. Not funny? What’s going on?
JACOB: I kissed Bella. And then she punched my face.
CHARLIE: Like in Facepunch? I love that movie.
At the Dr. Cullens’ House
EMMETT: Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
BELLA: Trying to get more lines in this movie?
EMMETT: ...
ROSALIE: *pouts and steps outside*
BELLA: *follows her* Why do you hate me so much?
ROSALIE: Because I’m supposed to look like the most attractive girl in the whole world and I’m only average looking.
BELLA: I think I’m average looking, too.
ROSALIE: Exactly. Bella, have I ever told you about my backstory?
BELLA: No.
ROSALIE: Well, I was in love with Royce King, the most eligible bachelor until he and his group of friends raped me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle saved me and I took my revenge on each of them.
BELLA: *looks like she’s about to fall asleep… wait a minute… no, nevermind, that’s just how Kristen Stewart always looks*
Back in Lovely Seattle
NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *are killing people*
RILEY: I hate this door! *slams car door on the ground* You newbs need to prepare yourselves for what’s coming!
FOUR OF THE VULTURI: *watch from a rooftop*
DEMETRI: They’ve already drawn too much attention.
FELIX: We should talk to Aro about this.
JANE: *casts crucio on Felix* Aro’s decisions are being watched. We’ll wait. *turns off the pain*
FELIX: Ow! You could have just said so. No need to be a b*tch about it.
RILEY: *thought he might have spotted a talented young actress on top of a building, but there’s no one there*
Graduation
JESSICA: When we were 5, they asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, an Academy Award-nominated actress. When we were 10, they asked again, we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, the actress with the most cred in a successful teen franchise. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? … F*CK YOU, YOU DIRTY F*GGOTS! You’ll never catch me! *pushes over the podium, jumps off stage, and runs out of auditorium*
BELLA: *tries to start an infectious clap, but fails*
ERIC: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Alice’s Graduation Party
JACOB: *shows up*
BELLA: WTH are you doing here!?
JACOB: I wanted to say sorry, and I made you this. *hands Bella a wolf charm bracelet*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny! I forgive you.
ALICE: *walks down the stairs and suddenly pauses as if she has just made diarrhea under her skirt*
BELLA: Alice, what’s wrong? Do you need to go potty?
ALICE: No. I saw them. The n00bs are coming here. And they’re after Bella.
JACOB: Not my Bella! We will help.
CARLISLE: Very well, but you’ll need training.
Training on Degobah
THE WOLVES: *show up*
CARLISLE: The newbs are stronger than us. Jasper here has experience with them, so he’ll be leading the training.
JASPER: Alright, now see here, ya’ll. We’s gonna get into some fisticuffs with some of dem newborn vampires, alright? Them things right here gonna be tough. Two things ya’ll canines should know now is don’t let them get their arms around ya, and never go for the obvious kill, mm’kay?
BELLA: When did Jasper get the Southern accent?
EDWARD: *thinks about it for a little bit* Yesterday.
THE CULLENS: *fight each other and I’m not sure how effective the training is… all I know is, I wouldn’t mind having Alice pounce on me from a tree.*
POKÉMON ANNOUNCER: It’s super effective!
BELLA: Jasper, how do you know so much about newbies?
JASPER: Listen here, now, for it’s a sad, sad tale. I led an army of newborn vampires back in the Civil War where I was in the Confederate Army and—
BELLA: Wait… you fought for the South!?
JASPER: Hell yeah! This country wasn’t ‘bouts to take away my blacks. So anyway, this girl was basically pawning me the whole time and—
BELLA: Is this going to be just as boring as Rosalie’s backstory? Because if so, I’ve heard enough.
JASPER: Well, shoooooooot.
Back in the Emerald City
VICTORIA: *basically reveals herself to be the ringleader of the newborn army*
Outside Bella’s House
BELLA: I think I should stay with you during the fight.
EDWARD: Okay, but why do you look totally different?
BELLA: New make-up artist. You like?
EDWARD: Wellllll… it is something to distract me from your boring eyes, so… yes.
At the Site Chosen for the Big Battle
JACOB: What’s the plan, homeslice?
EDWARD: You are going to carry Bella so that your odor masks her scent.
BELLA: Can’t I just use some Summer’s Eve—
JASPER: No! That’s exactly what they’ll expect.
The Swan Home
CHARLIE: Alice, you and your fine self are welcome back here anytime to visit ol’ Uncle Charlie. And thanks for the SoBe, but I think I’m going to stick with my Rainier Beer.
BELLA: Wow, my dad really likes you.
ALICE: That’s because I showed him my boobs. Anyway, you’re off the hook for the battle. He thinks you’re having a sleepover with me at our place, but really you and Edward will have the whole house to yourself to… well, you know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: Come on! You know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: To do… the thing… with…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: 8=====> O
BELLA: I was never very good at math.
ALICE: Forget it. *leaves*
BELLA: Hey, dad.
CHARLIE: Alice showed me her boobies and I liked them.
BELLA: Do you believe there’s any value in marriage?
CHARLIE: Sh*t! Are you pregnant!?!? You should be using protection when you makes the sex!
BELLA: Okay, dad, like, seriously… stop. Edward is… old school.
CHARLIE: “Old school”? Is that like a code for in the butt or something?
BELLA: Okay, dad! Stop! I’m a virgin, okay!? *goes up to her room*
CHARLIE: Yeah, you better be a butt virgin, too, or I’ll go all old school on Edward!
At the Cullen Home… Alone… With Eddie
BELLA: I want to ask you something.
EDWARD: Anything.
BELLA: Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?
EDWARD: Yes.
BELLA: Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition.
EDWARD: Anything you want, it’s yours.
BELLA: You promise?
EDWARD: Yeah…
BELLA: Okay. *grabs Edward’s peepee*
EDWARD: Except that! That’s my no-no spot!
BELLA: Seriously? You’re like a girl.
EDWARD: I want to be married first. It’s my only rule. So… would you do me the honor of marrying me? *gives Bella his mother’s ring*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
EDWARD: I’ll take that as a yes.
Under the Seattle Monorail, Which is Actually a Busy Spot
RILEY: You’re not coming with us.
VICTORIA: It’ll be a last minute decision. I told you how this works.
RILEY: The Cullens… have… powers.
VICTORIA: Yes, that’s what I told you earlier, R-Tard.
Out in the Woods
BELLA: *purposely cuts her finger and rubs blood on trees and plants to confuse the army* This means we’re friends forever now, tree.
EDWARD: You’re going overboard. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the ring I just gave you?
BELLA: I don’t want to risk losing it.
EDWARD: …or risk Jacob seeing it.
JACOB: Risk me seeing what?
BELLA: My vagina!
JACOB: Um…
BELLA: I mean, nothing. Pshhh. *runs fingers through hair*
EDWARD: I’ll see you later. *kisses Bella on the forehead and leaves*
JACOB: Something up?
BELLA: *looks around* Umm… yeah. Vampires are after me.
JACOB: No, I know. I mean anything other than that.
BELLA: Well, I do think you’re going to look like James Carville when you grow up.
At a Nearby Coast
THE ARMY: *walks along the sea floor and can apparently hold their breath for a long time*
EDWARD: *stands on the highest peak of the coastline and waits for someone to acknowledge his exceptional tent-building skills*
JACOB AND BELLA: *arrive*
BELLA: Hey, nice tent.
EDWARD: Oh, this old thing? *smirk*
Hours Later, as it Snows Like Balls
BELLA: S-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o… c-c-c-c-c-c-c-o-l-d.
EDWARD: What can I do?
CAM: Well, for starters, you could have not built a tent on the top of Mount Everest.
JACOB: I can slip in there and warm her up.
EDWARD: I haven’t even slipped in there yet!
JACOB: I was talking about her sleeping bag.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
JACOB: *gets into the sleeping bag with Bella* You know, Bella. You would warm up faster if you were naked.
EDWARD: Don’t do it, Bella. It’s a trick.
BELLA: *falls asleep… or does she?*
EDWARD: You know, if it wasn’t for you being a wolf and all, I might have actually been gay for you.
JACOB: Likewise.
The Next Morning
BELLA: Last night must have been hard for you.
EDWARD: Meh, I was only semi-hard. I can wait until we get married.
JACOB: *suddenly shows up* You’re marrying him!?
BELLA: No! Jake, stay!
JACOB: You think I’m some kind of dog or something? Wait… don’t answer that.
BELLA: I don’t want to lose you.
JACOB: That’s not good enough. You’re going to have to do better than that.
BELLA: Jacob! Poop in my mouth!
JACOB: What!?
BELLA: I’m asking you… poop… in my mouth.
JACOB: O.O
BELLA: What? That’s what wolves do, right?
JACOB: No. Never. I have no idea where you might have heard such a thing.
BELLA: Oh. Well then, kiss me!
JACOB AND BELLA: *kiss passionately*
JACOB: That should have been our first kiss.
BELLA: …
JACOB: Is it too late to reconsider the poop thing now?
BELLA: Yes.
JACOB: Damn. Okay, I’ll be back. *leaves*
BELLA: Did you see what happened?
EDWARD: No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud. He was thinking something like “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she’s kissing me right now. This is amazing. I could really go for some Outback Steakhouse after this. The Bloomin’ Onion sounds really good. I can never finish the whole thing by myself though. Maybe Bella would want to go. Oh no wait, she can’t eat onions around her stupid boyfriend. Or is that garlic? Does garlic affect him? Note to self: bring garlic next time I see Edward. Are we still kissing? This is really nice. I wonder if I should ask if it’s too late to poop in her mouth.”
BELLA: A Bloomin’ Onion does sound really good right now.
EDWARD: You love him.
BELLA: I love you more.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
SETH: *appears in wolf form and sends thoughts to Edward*
EDWARD: The fight is starting.
The Aforementioned Fight
THE CULLENS AND WEREWOLVES: *kick some ass*
Back at the Campsite
EDWARD: Victoria’s close! I can hear her thoughts. She caught my scent. I shouldn’t have had leftover Mexican for breakfast.
BELLA: I thought you don’t kill people.
EDWARD: Mexicans are not human beings, Bella. They are animals.
CARLOS RODRIGUEZ: F*ck this sh*t, Cam! I’m not reading this anymore!
EDWARD: She knew you would be with me. She’s not alone.
RILEY: *appears*
EDWARD: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you as her b*tch. She knows I’ll kill you like a b*tch. In fact, she’ll be glad she doesn’t have to deal with her b*tch anymore.
VICTORIA: Don’t listen, b*tc-… I mean, Riley. I told you about their Jedi mind-tricks.
EDWARD: I can read her mind. She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about, b*tch.
RILEY: *raises eyebrow*
EDWARD: Her words.
VICTORIA: There’s just you.
EDWARD: Think about it. You’re from Forks. No one likes people from Forks. They’re smelly, they listen to music that was popular two years ago, and they overprice their Twilight souvenirs.
BELLA: You know, Edward, I was born in Forks.
EDWARD: Shhh. Riley, she chose you because you know the area. She doesn’t love you.
RILEY: You’re dead. *starts to attack Edward, but is then attacked by Seth*
VICTORIA: *starts to run away*
EDWARD: You won’t get another chance like this again!
VICTORIA: *stops*
EDWARD: You want her! Not in a lesbo way, but you want her! You want me to feel the pain that you felt when I killed James! When I tore him limb from limb! When I hung his head above my fireplace. When I deep fried his biceps and ate them for dinner. When I flossed my teeth with his ponytail. When I turned him into dust.
VICTORIA: *gets so angry that she attacks Edward*
EDWARD: *throws Victoria into a tree* I hate this tree! *knocks the tree down*
TWILIGHT ENVIRONMENTALIST FAN: I’m going to allow this.
VICTORIA: *falls and gets pinned by Edward*
RILEY: *pushes Edward off of her*
VICTORIA: *puts Edward in a headlock*
BELLA: *cuts her arm… yes, just like in that Quileute story*
VICTORIA AND RILEY: *are super distracted*
EDWARD: *punches Riley off*
RILEY: *gets bitten and dragged away by Seth*
VICTORIA: *gets bitten on the neck by Edward so deep and hard that it separates her head from her shoulders and she dies*
EDWARD: Good thinking on cutting your own arm to distract them?
BELLA: Distract them? No, Edward, I’m a cutter. I cut my arms because I love the pain.
EDWARD: LOL, I love you. Come on, Alice needs us to go. *lights his Hello Kitty Zippo and tosses it on Victoria’s dead body*
VICTORIA’S DEAD BODY: *immediately ignites as if she was doused in gasoline*
EDWARD: I guess you could say that this firecrotch… *puts sunglasses on* … is on fire.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Back at the Fight Location
ALICE: *is standing there*
BELLA: Oh, Alice, did you have another accident?
ALICE: What!? No… maybe. Some of the Volturi are coming.
EDWARD: How long?
ALICE: Felix is about 5 inches, Demetri is maybe 6 and a half…
EDWARD: No. How long until they get here?
ALICE: A few minutes.
ONE LAST VAMPIRE: *comes out and crushes Jacob’s bones, but is then killed by the rest of the pack*
BELLA: Jacob!
CARLISLE: The bones on the right half of his body are shattered.
SAM: We’ll take him back to Billy’s.
THE WOLFPACK: *pick up Jacob’s naked body and carry him off*
JASPER: Gay.
ALICE: The Volturi are here!
ALEC: Looks like we missed the party.
EDWARD: We know how you guys like to be fashionably late.
JANE: Looks like you missed one.
ESME: Please don’t kill her! I want a new baby!
JANE: The Volturi don’t give second chances. Felix, kill her.
FELIX: *kills her*
JANE: And so ends The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
CAM: That advertising is not free, Stephanie Meyer.
JANE: Caius would be interested to know that you are still human, Bella.
BELLA: Wow. Dakota Fanning talked to me.
JANE: I am most certainly not Dakota Fanning! I am Jane.
BELLA: Haha. Me, Jane. You, Tarzan. I love acting!
JANE: I can’t stand this. We’re leaving.
BELLA: Wait, wait! Let’s have Emmett play Kerchak!
JANE: *walks away*
BELLA: I loved working with you in The Runaways!
JANE: I liked working with you, too… wait a minute! No! Goodbye!
On the Reservation
BELLA: *drives up* Hey. How’s he doing?
JACOB: *screams in pain from inside the house*
BILLY: Peachy.
CARLISLE: *comes out of the house* He’s going to be all right.
BILLY: Thank you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?
CARLISLE: Let us feed on humans again?
BILLY: Not a chance.
CARLISLE: K, bai!
In Jake’s Bedroom
BELLA: Hey Jake. You look tired. Or dead.
JACOB: Thanks. So, was Edward mad at you for kissing me?
BELLA: No. He was actually really cool with it. Almost encouraging.
JACOB: Damn. You should just be with me. I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.
BELLA: I can’t even chew gum and breathe at the same time, Jacob.
JACOB: You mean chew gum and walk.
BELLA: No, I mean chew gum and breathe. Can’t do it. Charlie hides all of the Doublemint in the pantry ever since I turned purple that one time.
JACOB: I need some time to think.
BELLA: Okay. *leaves*
JACOB: Now… how am I gonna jack off in this sling?
The Meadow of Gayness
EDWARD: August 13th?
BELLA: Yeah. It’s a month before my birthday. It’s also the anniversary of when Michael Phelps set the Olympic record for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I think he’s cute.
EDWARD: I just don’t know why you’re doing this.
BELLA: *stands up and gets really serious* This wasn’t a choice between you and Ja-…
EDWARD: Is this speech going to be long?
BELLA: Maybe.
EDWARD: Here’s your ring.
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
Fin.
Wednesday, August 04, 2010
It's Exactly What it Looks Like
CAM: *is in his pajamas at home curled up on the couch watching Project Runway*
BETHANY: *arrives home*
CAM: *freezes* Um... it's not what it looks like.
BETHANY: Really? Because it looks like you are home by yourself watching Project Runway.
CAM: Hmm... yeah, that's pretty accurate.
BETHANY: *arrives home*
CAM: *freezes* Um... it's not what it looks like.
BETHANY: Really? Because it looks like you are home by yourself watching Project Runway.
CAM: Hmm... yeah, that's pretty accurate.
Wednesday, June 02, 2010
"I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch."
CAM: *calls Bethany*
BETHANY: *answers* Hello?
CAM: Hey.
BETHANY: Hey.
CAM: What are you doing?
BETHANY: Oh, Heather and I are driving around trying to find this floral shop.
CAM: Oh.
BETHANY: What do you want for dinner tonight?
CAM: Something yummy.
BETHANY: Oh, can I make this garlic chicken thing I saw in a magazine?
CAM: Sure. Sounds good.
BETHANY: What should I make for a side dish?
CAM: I dunno.
BETHANY: I'll make some rice.
CAM: 'kay.
BETHANY: Oh, the floral shop is near the liquor store!
CAM: Oooh, buy me some scotch.
BETHANY: I'm not buying you scotch.
CAM: Why not?
BETHANY: Because!
CAM: ...
BETHANY: You'll have, like, two sips and then won't drink it anymore!
CAM: No, I won't!
BETHANY: Yes, you will!
CAM: But I want scotch!
BETHANY: No. I have to go. Bye.
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: I love you. Bye.
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: Bye. *hangs up*
CAM: *calls back*
BETHANY: Okay... technically, I didn't hang up on you. I said "Bye", like, three times.
CAM: ...
BETHANY: ...
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: I can't talk! I'm at the florist! Bye. *hangs up*
CAM: ...
BETHANY: *answers* Hello?
CAM: Hey.
BETHANY: Hey.
CAM: What are you doing?
BETHANY: Oh, Heather and I are driving around trying to find this floral shop.
CAM: Oh.
BETHANY: What do you want for dinner tonight?
CAM: Something yummy.
BETHANY: Oh, can I make this garlic chicken thing I saw in a magazine?
CAM: Sure. Sounds good.
BETHANY: What should I make for a side dish?
CAM: I dunno.
BETHANY: I'll make some rice.
CAM: 'kay.
BETHANY: Oh, the floral shop is near the liquor store!
CAM: Oooh, buy me some scotch.
BETHANY: I'm not buying you scotch.
CAM: Why not?
BETHANY: Because!
CAM: ...
BETHANY: You'll have, like, two sips and then won't drink it anymore!
CAM: No, I won't!
BETHANY: Yes, you will!
CAM: But I want scotch!
BETHANY: No. I have to go. Bye.
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: I love you. Bye.
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: Bye. *hangs up*
CAM: *calls back*
BETHANY: Okay... technically, I didn't hang up on you. I said "Bye", like, three times.
CAM: ...
BETHANY: ...
CAM: Scotch!
BETHANY: I can't talk! I'm at the florist! Bye. *hangs up*
CAM: ...
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Hot or Cold?
JULIANA: Dada?
CAM: Yes, honey?
JULIANA: Are you cold?
CAM: No, honey. I'm not cold. Are you cold?
JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?
CAM: Yeah.
JULIANA: Are you hot?
CAM: No, I'm not hot either. Are you hot?
JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?
CAM: Yes, dear?
JULIANA: Are you cold?
CAM: No, I'm not cold. I'm just right. I'm comfortable.
JULIANA: Ohhhhh.
CAM: How about you? Are you comfortable?
JULIANA: Comafotrable.
CAM: Good.
JULIANA: ...
CAM: ...
JULIANA: Dada?
CAM: Yes, sweety?
JULIANA: I'm cold.
CAM: Yes, honey?
JULIANA: Are you cold?
CAM: No, honey. I'm not cold. Are you cold?
JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?
CAM: Yeah.
JULIANA: Are you hot?
CAM: No, I'm not hot either. Are you hot?
JULIANA: No. *pauses* Dada?
CAM: Yes, dear?
JULIANA: Are you cold?
CAM: No, I'm not cold. I'm just right. I'm comfortable.
JULIANA: Ohhhhh.
CAM: How about you? Are you comfortable?
JULIANA: Comafotrable.
CAM: Good.
JULIANA: ...
CAM: ...
JULIANA: Dada?
CAM: Yes, sweety?
JULIANA: I'm cold.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Volcano Blame
CAM: From now on, I'm using the volcano in Iceland as an excuse for all my mistakes. For example...
BETHANY: Cam, how come you haven't taken the garbage out yet?
CAM: The Iceland volcano.
BETHANY: The Iceland volcano!? We're not even in Iceland.
CAM: I know, but all that ash being spewed out has decreased my ability to take out the garbage.
BETHANY: How so?
CAM: The visibility is awful out there.
BETHANY: *looks out the window* It looks fine outside, Cameron. I have no idea what you're talking about.
CAM: *looks out the window with Bethany* See? I can't see the garbage dumpster from here.
BETHANY: That's because this window does not face the garbage dumpster.
CAM: Well, there you go. Another problem the Iceland volcano has caused.
BETHANY: You're being ridiculous.
CAM: You're the one being ridiculous! Do you know how bad it would be if the ash got in my lungs?
BETHANY: You're not making any sense. And look! This garbage is so full that it's spilling over.
CAM: Spilling over... like a volcano?
BETHANY: Cameron, the volcano is thousands of miles away. How can it be affecting us?
CAM: Because the planes can't fly.
BETHANY: Now, what does that have to do with taking out the garbage? And I'm pretty sure planes around our area are flying just fine.
CAM: Nope.
AIRPLANE: *flies by overhead*
BETHANY: Take out the garbage, Cameron.
CAM: Okay.
BETHANY: Cam, how come you haven't taken the garbage out yet?
CAM: The Iceland volcano.
BETHANY: The Iceland volcano!? We're not even in Iceland.
CAM: I know, but all that ash being spewed out has decreased my ability to take out the garbage.
BETHANY: How so?
CAM: The visibility is awful out there.
BETHANY: *looks out the window* It looks fine outside, Cameron. I have no idea what you're talking about.
CAM: *looks out the window with Bethany* See? I can't see the garbage dumpster from here.
BETHANY: That's because this window does not face the garbage dumpster.
CAM: Well, there you go. Another problem the Iceland volcano has caused.
BETHANY: You're being ridiculous.
CAM: You're the one being ridiculous! Do you know how bad it would be if the ash got in my lungs?
BETHANY: You're not making any sense. And look! This garbage is so full that it's spilling over.
CAM: Spilling over... like a volcano?
BETHANY: Cameron, the volcano is thousands of miles away. How can it be affecting us?
CAM: Because the planes can't fly.
BETHANY: Now, what does that have to do with taking out the garbage? And I'm pretty sure planes around our area are flying just fine.
CAM: Nope.
AIRPLANE: *flies by overhead*
BETHANY: Take out the garbage, Cameron.
CAM: Okay.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
New Moon Pictures
CAM: The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S has been quite successful, despite having no comments (come on, people!). Decided to make some funny captioned pictures for added enjoyability to go with it.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
The Twilight Saga: New Moon in D/S
Disclaimer: It only seems appropriate that I do a D/S for New Moon since I did one for Twilight. Enjoyed it a lot more than the first movie, but it was a little slow. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.
The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial
BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: Grandma?
OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.
BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*
EDWARD: I’d still do you.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *wakes up from dream*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?
BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.
CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.
Over the Airwaves
RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.
Forks High School Parking Lot
MIKE: Hi, Bella.
EDWARD: *arrives*
MIKE: Bye, Bella.
EDWARD: Happy birthday.
BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!
EDWARD: I’m 109.
BELLA: Gross.
EDWARD: I’d still do me.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Speaking of gay…
JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*
BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!
School Hallway
ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!
ALICE: happy birthday.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: Here’s your gift.
BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.
English Class
TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*
EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.
BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.
EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
EDWARD: Not sure.
The Cullen House
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Thaaaanks.
ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.
EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…
BELLA: Hey! Don’t…
EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.
BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.
EMMETT: …
ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.
ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*
BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.
JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*
EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*
CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*
BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*
ALICE: I gtg.
CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.
Carlisle’s Office
CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
CARLISLE: Not sure.
Bella’s Truck
BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.
EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.
BELLA: Kiss me.
THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*
EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.
Back at School
EDWARD: *does not show up*
BELLA: =*(
Bella’s House
EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.
BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.
EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.
BELLA: =\
The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)
EDWARD: We’re leaving.
BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?
EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.
BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!
EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.
BELLA: You’re joking.
EDWARD: *is gone*
BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*
KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!
Back at Charlie’s House
CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?
HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.
CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?
HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.
CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.
SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*
CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.
The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie
BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*
CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*
Outside One Day
CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.
BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.
CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.
BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.
CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.
BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.
Los Port Angeles
JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.
CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*
BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.
BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?
BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?
The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On
BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.
BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*
Back at the Biker Bar
JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?
BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.
JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.
BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.
Enter Jacob
BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.
JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.
QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.
CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*
JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.
EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.
QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*
BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.
EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.
BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*
CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.
Somewhere in La Push
BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!
JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.
BELLA: Rush?
JACOB: Yeah.
BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
JACOB: …
BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫
JACOB: Um… Bel-
BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫
JACOB: Bella, we should really be-
BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫
JACOB: You-
BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫
CAM: *has officially lost some readers*
The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner
JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?
BELLA: Helmet?
JACOB: No. Go!
BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*
JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*
JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*
School Days
ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.
ERIC: I don’ berieve.
ANGELA: It was black and huge!
ERIC: That’s what she said.
BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.
MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?
BELLA: Yeah, sure.
MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.
BELLA: …
ERIC: …
JESSICA: …
ANGELA: …
MIKE: Wait... what!?
BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!
MIKE: SWEET!
BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!
MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.
While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched
MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.
JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.
MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*
JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.
BELLA: Poor guy.
JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.
HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*
JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?
BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.
JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*
MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.
JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.
MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…
BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.
JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.
BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.
MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.
JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.
CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.
Bella’s House
BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*
Jacob’s Place
BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?
JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.
BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.
JACOB: Go away.
BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*
JACOB: You lied to me!
BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*
JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.
BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.
CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.
BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.
At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle
MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*
LAURENT: Hey, Bella.
BELLA: F*ck.
LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?
BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Just you wait.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Any minute now.
LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.
HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*
Swan Residence
BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!
CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*
BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!
HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?
BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?
CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!
HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.
Up in Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*
JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*
BELLA: Whoa.
JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Okay. *leaves*
CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.
The Black Residence
BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?
BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!
BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.
JACOB: *is asleep*
BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?
PAUL: What did he tell you?
BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…
PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?
BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*
PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.
SAM: Paul! Calm down!
PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*
BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*
JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!
BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!
JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*
BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.
JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*
SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.
Emily’s
QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.
BELLA: Why would I stare?
EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*
BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!
QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*
BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!
EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.
BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*
SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.
La Push, Baby!
BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.
JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.
BELLA: You killed all those people.
JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.
BELLA: You can’t.
JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.
BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.
JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.
BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?
JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.
BELLA: Me. She’s after me.
JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?
BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.
JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.
The Coolest Sequence in the Movie
HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*
VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*
HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*
CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*
THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*
BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock andunconsciously consciously drowns*
JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.
BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.
In the Truck
JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.
BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.
JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?
BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.
JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*
BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*
JACOB: *closes door*
BELLA: No means no, Jacob.
JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.
BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*
In Her House
BELLA: Alice!
ALICE: Are you stupid or something?
BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?
ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?
BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.
ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!
ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.
BELLA: Oh…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …
ALICE: What’s that smell?
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*
ALICE: It smells like wet dog.
BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.
ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.
JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!
ALICE: Victoria has been here?
BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.
ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*
JACOB: Is he here?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.
BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*
TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*
JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.
ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!
BELLA: But I’m not dead.
ALICE: Right.
BELLA: But he thinks I am.
ALICE: Uh huh.
BELLA: So, he wants to die.
ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.
BELLA: So that means…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …that means…
ALICE: …
JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…
ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.
BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…
In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice
BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.
At the Volturi’s Temple
EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?
ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.
EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.
ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*
EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.
ARO: Oh. Pity.
Back in the Ferrari
BELLA: Where did you get this car?
ALICE: I lifted it.
BELLA: Lifted it to where?
ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.
BELLA: So, we can go back home?
ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.
BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!
ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.
BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?
ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.
BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?
Volterra Town Square
BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*
EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*
BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!
EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫
BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.
EDWARD: You’re alive.
BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?
EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>
BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?
EDWARD: Yeah… <.<
FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*
DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.
EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!
ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?
JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!
EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.
BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!
JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.
BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!
JANE: No, I’m a scary…
BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!
JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!
BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.
The Volturi Temple
ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.
BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?
EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.
ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*
EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!
ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?
BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*
ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.
EDWARD: No!
JANE: Painful acting.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*
ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.
JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*
BELLA: …
JANE: …
BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?
JANE: Grrrrrrr!
ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.
EDWARD: Tell me about it.
ARO: Felix, kill them all.
EDWARD: What!? Why!?
ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.
FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*
ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*
BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!
ARO: Very well.
ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.
ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.
BELLA: What? Just like that?
ARO: Yep.
BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?
ARO: Uh huh.
BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?
ARO: Pretty much, yeah.
BELLA: Mother f…
Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA
CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?
BELLA: Maybe.
CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.
BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?
CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*
EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.
BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Right?
EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.
BELLA: But, Alice saw…
EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.
BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.
EDWARD: *shakes his head*
BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*
The Next Day at the Cullen House
BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?
ALICE: Aye.
JASPER: Aye.
ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.
CARLISLE: You’re welcome.
EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*
PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
EMMETT: =X
ESME: Aye.
CARLISLE: Aye.
EDWARD: B*tches.
Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva
BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.
EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*
JACOB: *scowls*
EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.
In the Woods
JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.
EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.
JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.
BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.
JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!
BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.
EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.
JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*
BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.
JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*
BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.
EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: *anime gasp*
FIN.
The Same City They Filmed that Barilla Commercial
BELLA: *runs through a crowd of red people... no, not Injuns...*
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: Grandma?
OLD BELLA: I’m an old version of yourself.
BELLA: *is sad that her boobs aren’t going to get any bigger*
EDWARD: I’d still do you.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *wakes up from dream*
CHARLIE: Happy birthday. Here are your presents. You still like purple, right?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Gays. Oh, wait… no. That’s sort of their thing, isn’t it?
BELLA: Speaking of gay, thanks for the camera and scrapbook. I’ll probably use it once and never again.
CHARLIE: Whatever, curmudgeon.
Over the Airwaves
RADIO: More hikers are dead. Yes, the exact same thing that happened in the last movie.
Forks High School Parking Lot
MIKE: Hi, Bella.
EDWARD: *arrives*
MIKE: Bye, Bella.
EDWARD: Happy birthday.
BELLA: I’m 18. I feel so old!
EDWARD: I’m 109.
BELLA: Gross.
EDWARD: I’d still do me.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Speaking of gay…
JACOB: Happy birthday, Bella. Here’s your gift. *hands Bella a dreamcatcher*
BELLA: Oh, cool! A bird’s nest!
School Hallway
ALICE: *parkours over railing* HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!
BELLA: Shhhhhhhhhh!
ALICE: happy birthday.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: Here’s your gift.
BELLA: Is it a bird’s nest? Cause I already got one of those.
English Class
TV: *plays Romeo and Juliet movie… not the Leo one*
EDWARD: I’d like to talk to you about suicide.
BELLA: I'm not planning on killing myself.
EDWARD: No… I wanted to tell you that it’s really hard for vampires to kill themselves. They have to practically beg this Italian vampire mob called the Volturi to do it for them.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
EDWARD: Not sure.
The Cullen House
CULLENS: Happy birthday, Bella!
BELLA: Thaaaanks.
ROSALIE: *hands Bella a present* It’s a necklace. I hope you choke on it.
BELLA: Thanks.
ALICE: *hands Bella a present* This one is from Emmett.
EMMETT: Already installed it in your truck. Finally a decent sound system for the piece of cra…
BELLA: Hey! Don’t…
EMMETT: I know. I shouldn’t hate on your truck.
BELLA: No. I was going to say don’t talk anymore in this movie.
EMMETT: …
ALICE: *hands Bella an envelope* Open this one next.
ENVELOPE: *cuts Bella’s finger*
BELLA: I want someone to take me to the hospital.
JASPER: *smells the blood and gets ready to attack Bella*
EDWARD: *backhands Bella away and pushes Jasper back gently*
CARLISLE AND EMMETT: *hold back Jasper*
BELLA: *cuts her arm even more*
ALICE: I gtg.
CARLISLE: Get Jasper out of here. I can stitch this upstairs.
Carlisle’s Office
CARLISLE: *patches up Bella's arm* Us vampires have no souls. We are damned to Hell.
BELLA: Why are you telling me this?
CARLISLE: Not sure.
Bella’s Truck
BELLA: It’s still my birthday. You should give me something.
EDWARD: A bird’s nest? Cause I think you already got one of those.
BELLA: Kiss me.
THEY: *have the most painful looking kiss ever*
EDWARD: k, i love u, bai.
Back at School
EDWARD: *does not show up*
BELLA: =*(
Bella’s House
EDWARD: *shows up* Let’s have a chat in the woods.
BELLA: But I already saw you sparkle in the last movie.
EDWARD: No, I have something else to tell you.
BELLA: =\
The Woods (Not the Kevin Bacon One)
EDWARD: We’re leaving.
BELLA: Cool. Where are we going?
EDWARD: No. Me and my family are leaving.
BELLA: Oh… OHHHHH!
EDWARD: Don’t kill yourself.
BELLA: You’re joking.
EDWARD: *is gone*
BELLA: Edward? Edddwarddd? Come out, come out, wherever you are. Are you behind this tree? Are you behind this tree? How about this one? This one? *after checking behind every tree in the forest, realizes that he’s really gone, and falls asleep sobbing in the fetal position on the ground*
KANYE WEST: Yo, Bella. I'mma let you finish, but Evan Rachel Wood had one of the best teenage girl depression of all-time. One of the best teenage girl depression of all-time!
Back at Charlie’s House
CHARLIE: Why do I have to be the one whose daughter keeps disappearing?
HARRY CLEARWATER: Could be worse. You could have a know-it-all daughter who goes to a magical school and falls in love with a ginger boy.
CHARLIE: You people really hate whites, don’t you?
HARRY CLEARWATER: No, just the British.
CHARLIE: lol. It’s good to laugh again.
SAM: *carries Bella back from the forest… shirtlessly*
CHARLIE: I don’t know what I’m more impressed with… that you found Bella or those toned pecs.
The Most Artistic Scene in the Movie
BELLA: *sits motionless in her bedroom staring out the window as October, November, and December pass by… during this time, she does not eat, shower, cut her hair, or use the restroom*
CHARLIE: *can barely stand going into her room because of this*
Outside One Day
CHARLIE: Alright, you’re moving to Jacksonville with your mom.
BELLA: I don’t want to. I heard there are jaguars there.
CHARLIE: Bells, your behavior is just abnormal.
BELLA: Dad, I’m an 18-year-old girl who just got ditched by the love of her life. It’s called depression. I think I’m acting like any other girl my age would.
CHARLIE: Depression!? No. I’m talking about your random loud orgasms in the middle of the night.
BELLA: Dad, that’s preposterous… I prefer having my orgasms here in Forks.
Los Port Angeles
JESSICA: That movie was sucktastic.
CAM: *wonders if they saw Twilight*
BELLA: *thinks she sees a familiar face at a biker bar and fantasizes about getting raepd... you know, acting like any other girl her age would*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella, these aren’t the sexual predators you’re looking for. Move along.
BIKER GUY WHO LOOKS LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS IF ZACH GALIFIANAKIS WERE A PEDOPHILE… SO EXACTLY LIKE ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: Hey there, sexy lady. You want a ride on my fancy motorcycle?
BELLA: Is it like riding the back of a vampire?
The Same Street They Film the New Batman Chase Sequences On
BELLA AND ZACH GALIFIANAKIS: *ride at 15 MPH*
GHOST EDWARD: Bella! Don’t give in to idiocy! That leads to the Wolf Side.
BELLA: *just got a wonderful idea*
Back at the Biker Bar
JESSICA: Hey, so, WTH?
BELLA: Riding that motorcycle was such a rush.
JESSICA: Great, but you don’t go hopping on some random loser’s motorcycle.
BELLA: You’re right. I need to find myself a familiar loser’s motorcycle.
Enter Jacob
BELLA: Hey, Jake. I need to totally use you and have you fix these motorcycles so I can ride them dangerously and see my Edward more.
JACOB: Dur-da-dur. Okay.
QUIL: Hey sexy paleface.
CAM: *thought Bella was supposed to be average looking*
JACOB: Bella, this is Quil and Embry.
EMBRY: Our names sound more like indie rock bands than Native American names. Deal with it.
QUIL AND JAKE: *wrestle*
BELLA: Dear diary. Best. Day. Ever.
EMBRY: Five bucks on Quil.
BELLA: Quick, give me some one dollar bills.
Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *has more night-terrorgasms*
CHARLIE: I thought this Indian bird’s nest was supposed to lay some anti-nightmare eggs or something.
Somewhere in La Push
BELLA: They just pushed your friend off that cliff!
JACOB: Quil and Embry aren’t my friends anymore. They got all exclusive and follow Sam around like little puppies. Plus, Sam has been looking at me funny. It makes me feel strange in my penis. And besides, relax. It’s called cliff diving. It’s a total rush.
BELLA: Rush?
JACOB: Yeah.
BELLA: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
JACOB: …
BELLA: ♫ Today’s Tom Sawyer, mean mean pride… ♫
JACOB: Um… Bel-
BELLA: ♫ Though his mind is not for rent, don’t put him down as arrogant… ♫
JACOB: Bella, we should really be-
BELLA: ♫ His reserve, a quiet defense, riding out the day’s events. ♫
JACOB: You-
BELLA: ♫ THE RIVER! ♫
CAM: *has officially lost some readers*
The Muddiest Road in All of La Push… The Perfect Place for a Motorcycle Beginner
JACOB: Throttle. Clutch. Shifter. Brakes. Got it?
BELLA: Helmet?
JACOB: No. Go!
BELLA: *rides off avoiding Ghost Edwards and applies the brakes via a giant rock to the head*
JACOB: *rides up to Bella* Here, my shirt will take care of that cut. *takes off his shirt*
JACOB’S SHIRT: *is super effective… but not on Bella’s injury*
School Days
ANGELA: I saw a plot point in the forest the other day.
ERIC: I don’ berieve.
ANGELA: It was black and huge!
ERIC: That’s what she said.
BELLA: You’re not the only one. My dad has been getting reports at the station.
MIKE: *leans towards Bella* Willyoupleasegotoamoviewithme?
BELLA: Yeah, sure.
MIKE: Oh, I understand. Maybe some other time then.
BELLA: …
ERIC: …
JESSICA: …
ANGELA: …
MIKE: Wait... what!?
BELLA: Yeah, it would be totally cool. We could go see Uwe Boll’s new movie, Face Punch!
MIKE: SWEET!
BELLA: And everyone else can come, too!
MIKE: …aaaand there’s the catch.
While Faces Are Apparently Getting Punched
MIKE: I think I’m going to throw up.
JACOB: Tell me about it, this movie sucks.
MIKE: No, seriously. I’m getting sick. *runs to the restroom*
JACOB: Jake - 1, Loser Mike - 0.
BELLA: Poor guy.
JACOB: He’s such a marshmallow.
HE’S SUCH A MARSHMALLOW: *is the real reason this movie is rated PG-13*
JACOB: *tries to hold Bella’s hand, but she pulls away* I can’t hold your hand?
BELLA: You can. I just want to tease you and keep leading you on by telling you you’re beautiful and hanging out with you so I can use you more.
JACOB: Bella, I’m never gonna give you up. I’m never gonna let you down. I’m never gonna run around and desert you.
BELLA: And that’s why you’ll always be my little b*tch, Jakey. *rests her head on his shoulder*
MIKE: Oh, haiii. I think I need to go home now.
JACOB: Is your home in the hospital? Because that’s where I’m about to put you.
MIKE: No, it’s on Shelby Drive. Right past the Dairy Queen off of First. You can’t miss it, if…
BELLA: Mike, he was being facetious. And Jake, you’re hot.
JACOB: I know. You just said I was beautiful.
BELLA: No, seriously, you’re burning up.
MIKE: Maybe you should put yourself in the hospital. Mike – 1, Jake – 1.
JACOB: We’ll settle this later, non-dairy creamer.
CAM: Alright, I made that slang up.
Bella’s House
BELLA: *leaves Jacob voice messages using only her thoughts, but he does not reply and his dad says he has swine flu, but it’s really wolf flu, but either way she cannot come see him*
Jacob’s Place
BELLA: Jake! You cut your hair off!? And shaved your happy trail?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: I thought you were too sick to come outside?
JACOB: Bella…
BELLA: Or pick up the phone when I called?
JACOB: Bella, my eyes are up here.
BELLA: *shakes her head* Sorry.
JACOB: Go away.
BELLA: I said “sorry”! I won’t look at your chest and abs anymore. *looks at his chest and abs more*
JACOB: You lied to me!
BELLA: Okay, just let me look one more time.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Okay, done. *looks again*
JACOB: You lied to me about the Cullens and them being vampires.
BELLA: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
JACOB: Yes, you do. Look Bella, we can’t be friends anymore. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m not good. I used to be a good kid. Not anymore. It doesn’t even matter. This is over.
CAM: I didn't touch any of that last bit from Jacob. That is the actual dialogue.
BELLA: You can’t break up with me! We were never officially going out.
At Edward’s Favorite Place to Sparkle
MEADOW: *was apparently never watered after Edward left*
LAURENT: Hey, Bella.
BELLA: F*ck.
LAURENT: I’m here on a favor for Victoria. So, where’s your girlfriend?
BELLA: Who? Oh, Edward... he's on his way.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Just you wait.
LAURENT: …
BELLA: Any minute now.
LAURENT: I think I’m going to drink your blood now.
HUGE PACK O’ WOLVES: *chase Laurent out of the meadow*
Swan Residence
BELLA: Dad, dad, dad! They’re not bears! They’re wolves! Huge, giant wolves!
CHARLIE: No, Bella. This is Rainier beer. It’s delicious and refreshing. *ding*
BELLA: No! In the woods, killing people!
HARRY CLEARWATER: *tries old Jedi mind trick on Bella* Are you sure about that, Bella?
BELLA: Yes, big wolves with nasty, big, pointy teeth.
HARRY CLEARWATER: What an eccentric performance. Charlie, you don’t believe this, do you?
CHARLIE: To the wolf-killing mobile!
HARRY CLEARWATER: Sh*t.
Up in Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *hears rocks being thrown at her window and is completely sure it’s not Victoria, so she opens it*
JACOB: Look out. I’m coming up. *parkours off tree and house into Bella’s bedroom*
BELLA: Whoa.
JACOB: Sup. Remember that story I told you on the beach in the first movie?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Okay. *leaves*
CAM: Trust me, I just saved you about five excruciatingly cheesy and painful minutes.
The Black Residence
BELLA: Hey, is Jacob here?
BILLY: He’s taking a little dog nap… uh, I mean human nap!
BELLA: I’m coming in anyway.
JACOB: *is asleep*
BELLA: *spots Sam and the other guys and decides to confront them* What did you do to Jake!?
PAUL: What did he tell you?
BELLA: He wanted to La Push me, but I wasn’t ready. I think…
PAUL: You really are the dumbest girl in the world, aren’t you?
BELLA: *b*tch-slaps Paul*
PAUL: That makes me upset. And you don’t want to see me very upset.
SAM: Paul! Calm down!
PAUL: *morphs into a giant wolf*
BELLA: Well, I’ll just be on my way then. *runs back towards Jacob*
JACOB: *runs out of his house towards Bella* Bella!
BELLA: Jacob! Look out! Paul’s a wolf!
JACOB: *morphs into a giant wolf and protects Bella*
BELLA: Oh yeah! At La Push, Jake mentioned that the Quileutes are descendants of wolves. This makes sense now.
JACOB AND PAUL: *fight*
SAM: Quil and Embry, take Bella to Emily’s.
Emily’s
QUIL: So, don’t stare at Emily’s face. It bugs Sam.
BELLA: Why would I stare?
EMILY: Hi. *turns towards Bella revealing her hideously scarred face*
BELLA: OMGWTF is wrong with your..!
QUIL AND EMBRY: *bite their teeth*
BELLA: …your… muffins! They’re so… huge!
EMILY: Thaaaaanks. They’re a classic Native American food.
BELLA: *stares at Emily’s face*
SAM: *comes in and kisses Emily* Hey, Baby Scarface, I love you so much.
La Push, Baby!
BELLA: So, you’re a werewolf.
JACOB: Yeah… I thought we made this pretty clear by now.
BELLA: You killed all those people.
JACOB: No, vampires are killing them. And we only kill vampires.
BELLA: You can’t.
JACOB: Don’t worry, I’m not going to touch your little sparkle-queen unless he violates the treaty.
BELLA: No, I mean you can’t kill vampires. They’ll kill you.
JACOB: O rly? We took out that French dreadlocked one the other day. The firecrotch is next.
BELLA: Victoria? Victoria is here?
JACOB: You mean the antagonist? The one that we’ll only see one more time in this film? We don’t know what she’s after.
BELLA: Me. She’s after me.
JACOB: So… this Victoria is a lesbian?
BELLA: Geez, Jake… what’s with all the gay jokes? You’re not going to be able to stop her.
JACOB: Bella, I find your lack of faith in the wolf… disturbing.
The Coolest Sequence in the Movie
HARRY CLEARWATER: *covers up a wolf track*
VICTORIA: *scares Harry to death*
HARRY CLEARWATER: *starts to have a heart attack*
CHARLIE: *should have taken CPR classes*
THE WEREWOLVES: *chase Victoria away*
BELLA: *jumps off a cliff in hopes of seeing Edward again, but hits her head on a rock and
JACOB: *pulls her out of the water and performs CPR on her… something that Harry could have used just a little bit earlier* Come on, Bella. Breathe.
BELLA: *coughs and opens her eyes* See, Jakey. I told you you’ll always be my b*tch.
In the Truck
JACOB: You look cold. You can come cuddlez me if you want.
BELLA: I thought you’d never ask. You’re like your own sun.
JACOB: Are you calling me fat? You don’t want to make me mad. Remember what Emily’s face looked like? That’s because Sam got upset at her for talking about how small of a penis he has. Do you want your face to look like that?
BELLA: I’ve never wanted you more than I do right now.
JACOB AND BELLA: *almost kiss*
BELLA: I better go. *opens door and tries to get out of truck*
JACOB: *closes door*
BELLA: No means no, Jacob.
JACOB: No, I know. There’s a vampire out there. I can smell it.
BELLA: That’s Carlisle’s car over there! *jumps out of truck and heads in her house*
In Her House
BELLA: Alice!
ALICE: Are you stupid or something?
BELLA: No. You are Alice, aren’t you?
ALICE: Why did you try to kill yourself by jumping off a cliff?
BELLA: I was cliff jumping. It’s a bit of a rush.
ALICE: ♫ A modern-day warrior, mean mean stride… ♫
BELLA: Not right now. We have to catch up!
ALICE: There’s not really much else to say except how much of an idiot you are.
BELLA: Oh…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …
ALICE: What’s that smell?
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some more Summer’s Eve tomorrow*
ALICE: It smells like wet dog.
BELLA: Oh, I’ve been hanging out with Jacob. He’s a werewolf.
ALICE: Werewolves are dangerous, Bella.
JACOB: Not as dangerous as your red-headed friend. Oh snap, b*tch got burned!
ALICE: Victoria has been here?
BELLA: Yeah, and her PMS is just as bad as ever.
ALICE: I’m going to step out and let your friendship dwindle. *leaves*
JACOB: Is he here?
BELLA: No.
JACOB: Let’s finish what we started in the truck.
BELLA AND JACOB: * almost kiss for the fumfteenth time*
TELEPHONE: *has perfect timing*
JACOB: *answers* Swan residence………………. he’s not here. He’s arranging a funeral. *hangs up* He's always getting in the way.
ALICE: Bella! It’s Edward. He’s going to ask the Volturi to kill him. He thinks you’re dead! We have to stop him!
BELLA: But I’m not dead.
ALICE: Right.
BELLA: But he thinks I am.
ALICE: Uh huh.
BELLA: So, he wants to die.
ALICE: Pretty much what I just said, yes.
BELLA: So that means…
ALICE: …
BELLA: …that means…
ALICE: …
JACOB: Bella, you shouldn’t…
ALICE: No, no, no! Let her figure this out on her own.
BELLA: …that means… I know I can do this…
In Italy in a Ferrari with Alice
BELLA: That means we have to stop him! Ooooh, Ferrari.
At the Volturi’s Temple
EDWARD: So, are you guys going to kill me or not?
ARO: No. Your skill is much too valuable.
EDWARD: Fine. Then I’m going to expose myself to the humans.
ARO: That’s okay, Eddie. Public nudity is actually legal in this country... and it's encouraged here in the temple. *wink*
EDWARD: No, I mean expose my sparkling vampire skin.
ARO: Oh. Pity.
Back in the Ferrari
BELLA: Where did you get this car?
ALICE: I lifted it.
BELLA: Lifted it to where?
ALICE: Hm… my spidey-sense tells me that the Volturi have refused to kill him.
BELLA: So, we can go back home?
ALICE: Not quite. Now he’s going to expose himself to the town.
BELLA: But he hasn’t even exposed himself to me yet!
ALICE: We’re in Volterra now.
BELLA: Why is everyone wearing red Snuggies?
ALICE: It’s the St. Marcus’ Day Festival. They’re celebrating the extermination of vampires. Now, I know this is inconvenient, but you’re going to have to get out of the car, run uphill, navigate through narrow alleyways, find a building you've never seen before, push your way through hundreds of fired up Italians, walk on water, and save Edward.
BELLA: WTH!? Who do I look like, Barack Obama?
Volterra Town Square
BELLA: *rushes past the crowd of people and swears she got a little boob*
EDWARD: *steps out into the sunlight from the clock tower and removes his shirt as his skin starts to go all sparkle action*
BELLA: *is not that impressed with Edward’s chest, so runs over to Edward as quickly as possible to cover him back up* EDWARD!
EDWARD: Heaven… I’m in heaven. ♫ And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak! ♫
BELLA: Edward, it’s really me.
EDWARD: You’re alive.
BELLA: Why do you look so sad to see me?
EDWARD: No, I’m not. >.>
BELLA: Oh, Edward! Now we can spend the rest of our lives together, right?
EDWARD: Yeah… <.<
FELIX AND DEMETRI: *approach*
DEMETRI: Aro wants to speak with you again.
EDWARD: But I didn’t expose myself!
ALICE: Come on, guys. Can’t we just forget about this?
JANE: *appears* You. Us. Temple. Now!
EDWARD AND ALICE: F*ck.
BELLA: Hey, it’s Dakota Fanning!
JANE: No, I’m Jane. An incredibly feared and scary vampire.
BELLA: Oh, you were so cute in I Am Sam!
JANE: No, I’m a scary…
BELLA: And I loved you in The Secret Life of Bees!
JANE: Why, thank you. I spent a lot of time preparing for that… wait, no! Aro! NOW! GO!
BELLA: *winks at Jane* So talented.
The Volturi Temple
ARO: Welcome back! Glad to see that you are all alive.
BELLA: Who’s the fruitbar?
EDWARD: That’s Aro. He can see everything you’ve ever thought or experienced with a single touch.
ARO: Touch. *touches Edward*
EDWARD: Those thoughts in secondary school were just that… thoughts!
ARO: I can see that. I can also see that you can’t read Bella’s mind. Interesting. Can I try?
BELLA: *has her hand caressed by Aro and despite being in a room full of people who are at least over a century old, feels like she needs an adult*
ARO: Well, d*mn. I can’t read her either. Jane? Try using your pain powers, hon’.
EDWARD: No!
JANE: Painful acting.
EDWARD: Nooooooooooooooo! *Edward breaks down to the ground under the pain felt by his own bad acting*
ARO: That’s enough, Jane. Now do Bella.
JANE: Yes, master. *stares at Bella waiting for her pain power to take effect*
BELLA: …
JANE: …
BELLA: Question for you: War of the Worlds… why?
JANE: Grrrrrrr!
ARO: Ha! Amazing. She’s impenetrable.
EDWARD: Tell me about it.
ARO: Felix, kill them all.
EDWARD: What!? Why!?
ARO: Just to add some action to this movie.
FELIX: *slams Edward’s head into the floor about fifty times*
ROBERT PATTINSON: *face almost cracks open revealing what we all know to be true: that he’s really just a robot*
BELLA: Stop! Kill me instead!
ARO: Very well.
ALICE: Wait! Bella will become a vampire! I’ve seen it.
ARO: I must touch you. *touches Alice and sees a rather amusing vision in which Edward and Bella are running through the forest all sparkly, and looking like they travelled back to the 1800s* Well then, this was all just a misunderstanding. You are free to go.
BELLA: What? Just like that?
ARO: Yep.
BELLA: That’s all we needed to do?
ARO: Uh huh.
BELLA: This was the climax of the movie?
ARO: Pretty much, yeah.
BELLA: Mother f…
Back in the Comfort of Bella’s Bedroom in Forks, WA
CHARLIE: Should I be getting used to you disappearing all the time?
BELLA: Maybe.
CHARLIE: You are grounded for the rest of your life.
BELLA: So… can I go to the Cullens’ tomorrow?
CHARLIE: Yes. *leaves*
EDWARD: I’m never going to lose you again.
BELLA: Darn tootin’! Because I’m going to be a vamps, right?
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Right?
EDWARD: There are always ways to keep the Volturi in the dark.
BELLA: But, Alice saw…
EDWARD: Those things can always change, Bella.
BELLA: Fine. At least we can have the sex now.
EDWARD: *shakes his head*
BELLA: You never let me have anything I want! *pout*
The Next Day at the Cullen House
BELLA: All those in favor of me becoming a vampire?
ALICE: Aye.
JASPER: Aye.
ROSALIE: Nay. This isn’t a life I would have chosen for myself.
CARLISLE: You’re welcome.
EMMETT: *starts to open his mouth*
PRODUCER: Nuh-uh-uh-uh.
EMMETT: =X
ESME: Aye.
CARLISLE: Aye.
EDWARD: B*tches.
Driving Around in Edward’s Vulva
BELLA: We can change me after graduation. I want you to be the one to take my vampire virginity.
EDWARD: *slams on the breaks because Jacob is standing in the middle of the road*
JACOB: *scowls*
EDWARD: He wants to talk to me.
In the Woods
JACOB: I see you’re still alive… for now.
EDWARD: Look, Jacob. I want to thank you for taking care of Bella while I was gone. But, if we’re ever going to make this threesome work, you’re going to have to get over your anger at me.
JACOB: I wanted to remind you of our treaty and how you’re not allowed to bite a human, or it’s over.
BELLA: But, that’s not fair, Jacob! I want to be a vampire.
JACOB: No! I won’t let you. I’d be forced to keel you!
BELLA: Oh, Jake. You’re so cute when you’re upset. I love you, but I love the guy who ditched me for the whole movie so much more. I hope you stick around a bit longer.
EDWARD: Ha-ha! I win.
JACOB: *gets angry and turns into a werewolf*
BELLA: Stop it! You both can’t fight without hurting me.
JACOB: *for a moment considers running around Bella and snapping Edward’s neck, but wimps out and runs off*
BELLA: He’ll be back. They always come back for my c**chie.
EDWARD: Bella, if you want me to take away your vampire virginity, there’s one condition I have first.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Marry me.
BELLA: *anime gasp*
FIN.
Monday, January 25, 2010
How many wives?
CAM: I overheard an interesting conversation on the Microsoft shuttle today while on the way to the transit center.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #1: Hello.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Ah, hello, Stefan.
STEFAN: *nods at another passenger* Hello.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Hello.
STEFAN: Wonderful weather we are having today.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Gorgeous.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Beautiful.
STEFAN: ...
ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER: ...
CAM: ...
RADIO: *plays Kenny G*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many wives you have, Stefan?
STEFAN: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Well...?
STEFAN: It is secret.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many?
STEFAN: How many I have today?
ISLAMIC DRIVER: No, all the time.
STEFAN: This is private.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: I have three wives. Sometimes five.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: I have two wife. Sometimes one.
EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: You know, in my country, you can marry more than one wife.
STEFAN: Mmm...
RADIO: *changes to Bob James*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Stefan, you are going directly to transit center?
STEFAN: Yes.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: I drive straight into building and drop you off.
STEFAN: H'okay.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Don't run over his wife.
STEFAN AND ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol
ISLAMIC DRIVER: *runs over speed bump* Oh! Was that her?
EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.
CAM: ...
ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: ...
STEFAN: ...
RADIO: *still playing Bob James*
SHUTTLE: *arrives at transit center*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Everyone have nice day.
STEFAN: You, too! Thank you. *gets off shuttle*
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Thank you. See you. *gets off shuttle*
CAM: Thank you. Say hello to your wives. *gets off shuttle*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol, k.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #1: Hello.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Ah, hello, Stefan.
STEFAN: *nods at another passenger* Hello.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Hello.
STEFAN: Wonderful weather we are having today.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Gorgeous.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Beautiful.
STEFAN: ...
ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER: ...
CAM: ...
RADIO: *plays Kenny G*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many wives you have, Stefan?
STEFAN: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Well...?
STEFAN: It is secret.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: How many?
STEFAN: How many I have today?
ISLAMIC DRIVER: No, all the time.
STEFAN: This is private.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: I have three wives. Sometimes five.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: I have two wife. Sometimes one.
EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: You know, in my country, you can marry more than one wife.
STEFAN: Mmm...
RADIO: *changes to Bob James*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Stefan, you are going directly to transit center?
STEFAN: Yes.
ISLAMIC DRIVER: I drive straight into building and drop you off.
STEFAN: H'okay.
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Don't run over his wife.
STEFAN AND ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol
ISLAMIC DRIVER: *runs over speed bump* Oh! Was that her?
EVERYONE EXCEPT CAM: lol.
CAM: ...
ISLAMIC DRIVER: ...
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: ...
STEFAN: ...
RADIO: *still playing Bob James*
SHUTTLE: *arrives at transit center*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: Everyone have nice day.
STEFAN: You, too! Thank you. *gets off shuttle*
ISLAMIC PASSENGER #2: Thank you. See you. *gets off shuttle*
CAM: Thank you. Say hello to your wives. *gets off shuttle*
ISLAMIC DRIVER: lol, k.
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