CAM: Juliana, did you go poo-poo?
JULIANA: No.
CAM: Are you lying?
JULIANA: Yes. Lying.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Me No Pause: The Return
CAM: While waiting in line for the bus this morning...
OLDER WOMAN: How are you doing this morning?
YOUNGER WOMAN: Good. I'm freezing though.
OLDER WOMAN: Get menopause!
YOUNGER WOMAN: Excuse me?
OLDER WOMAN: Seriously! Get menopause. You won't have any of those types of problems anymore.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *is just as shocked and embarrassed as everyone else*
OLDER WOMAN: The other day, I was on the bus and the male driver turned around and asked the passengers how the temperature was on the bus. It was hot as Hell; I was sweating. And this male passenger next to me has the nerve to reply back, "We're comfortable." I was like, "You're not the one going through menopause right now!" He didn't quite know what to say to that.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *and neither does she*
OLDER WOMAN: How are you doing this morning?
YOUNGER WOMAN: Good. I'm freezing though.
OLDER WOMAN: Get menopause!
YOUNGER WOMAN: Excuse me?
OLDER WOMAN: Seriously! Get menopause. You won't have any of those types of problems anymore.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *is just as shocked and embarrassed as everyone else*
OLDER WOMAN: The other day, I was on the bus and the male driver turned around and asked the passengers how the temperature was on the bus. It was hot as Hell; I was sweating. And this male passenger next to me has the nerve to reply back, "We're comfortable." I was like, "You're not the one going through menopause right now!" He didn't quite know what to say to that.
YOUNGER WOMAN: *and neither does she*
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Me No Pause
CAM: Had this happen on the bus about five minutes ago.
OLDER WOMAN: *steps on bus* Wow, it's hot in here.
BUS DRIVER: *giggle*
YOUNGER WOMAN: I love it. I was freezing standing outside.
OLDER WOMAN: You're obviously not at menopause yet.
CAM: *backs away slowly as if she has a highly contagious disease*
OLDER WOMAN: *steps on bus* Wow, it's hot in here.
BUS DRIVER: *giggle*
YOUNGER WOMAN: I love it. I was freezing standing outside.
OLDER WOMAN: You're obviously not at menopause yet.
CAM: *backs away slowly as if she has a highly contagious disease*
Monday, June 01, 2009
Mac vs. PC
CAM: I like Macs, but I'm still a bigger PC fan. I enjoy the advertising from both Microsoft and Apple. Microsoft's commercials are much more intelligent, but Apple's are much more creative. Quite reflective of the Operating Systems themselves. Apple's claims can be misleading (Macs crash too... trust me, I fix them on a daily basis), but it's how they talk about usability that ultimately earns them more points. Watching one of the most recent ads, I decided to write my own that I think truly hits both companies' weaknesses.
MAC: Hello, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MEGAN: And I'm a Megan.
PC: I brought a whole range of PCs for Megan to pick from. What do you need Megan?
MEGAN: I need a computer that can be supported by English speaking over-the-phone support technicians that I can actually understand.
FIVE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Okay, and what else do you need?
MEGAN: Well, I need a computer that works well with my creative and artistic lifestyle.
TWO PCS: *walk away*
PC: And next?
MEGAN: Last, I need a computer that doesn't come bloated with tons of useless manufacturer software.
THE REST OF THE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Well, she's all yours Mac. *walks away*
MAC: Great, I'm glad we cleared that all up. Now, Megan, tell me what you need.
MEGAN: I need a computer that costs under $600.
MAC: *walks away*
MAC: Hello, I'm a Mac.
PC: And I'm a PC.
MEGAN: And I'm a Megan.
PC: I brought a whole range of PCs for Megan to pick from. What do you need Megan?
MEGAN: I need a computer that can be supported by English speaking over-the-phone support technicians that I can actually understand.
FIVE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Okay, and what else do you need?
MEGAN: Well, I need a computer that works well with my creative and artistic lifestyle.
TWO PCS: *walk away*
PC: And next?
MEGAN: Last, I need a computer that doesn't come bloated with tons of useless manufacturer software.
THE REST OF THE PCS: *walk away*
PC: Well, she's all yours Mac. *walks away*
MAC: Great, I'm glad we cleared that all up. Now, Megan, tell me what you need.
MEGAN: I need a computer that costs under $600.
MAC: *walks away*
Monday, January 12, 2009
Twilight D/S
Disclaimer: Twilight was a meh movie. It was fun to see images in my head come to life, but I thought the movie quality was terrible. It should be pretty easy to make fun of it. I saw that Cleo recently wrote a m15m on this and refused to read it so I wouldn’t steal any jokes. So, any similarities are purely coincidental. I still think she’s hilarious. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Twilight Error."
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’sVulva Volvo
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
Forest Moon of Endor
NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.
Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona
NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.
RENEE: I love you.
PHIL: *says something douchey*
On the Way to Forks
NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.
CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*
NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*
At the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Here’s your room.
BELLA: Yep.
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.
BELLA: You already...
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*
CHARLIE: Do you like purple?
BELLA: Who doesn’t?
CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.
Outside the House
CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.
BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!
CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*
JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.
BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.
CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*
CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?
BELLA: It’s ugly.
CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.
BELLA: I love it.
JACOB: I love you.
BELLA: What was that?
JACOB: Nothing.
Forks High
BELLA: *drives up*
TYLER: Nice ride.
BELLA: Nice earring... fag.
ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.
BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?
ERIC: England.
BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.
ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.
BELLA: Is this all you do?
Gym Class
BELLA: *spikes volleyball*
VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*
MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...
BELLA: *looks average*
MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?
BELLA: I’m Bella.
JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.
BELLA: lol, k.
Lunch
ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.
MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!
TYLER: No! She’s mine!
ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.
BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?
ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.
BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.
ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*
BELLA: Who are they?
JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.
ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*
JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.
EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*
BELLA: *drools*
JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.
Biology
MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.
MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.
EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*
Main Office
EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.
ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.
EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.
BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*
Carver Café
WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?
CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.
WAYLON: To fish?
CHARLIE: Sure.
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*
RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.
OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.
BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?
RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?
BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.
School Day #2
NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.
EMMETT: *motosurfs*
EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*
TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.
School Day #3
NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.
WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*
School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16
NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.
ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*
EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*
Some Mill
SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*
Outside the Swan Residence
CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.
BELLA: Animal?
CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
Another Day, Another Biology Class
ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?
BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*
EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.
BELLA: I’m yours.
Hallway
EDWARD: Why did you move here?
BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.
EDWARD: *eyes change color*
BELLA: What’s with your eyes?
EDWARD: *glides out the door*
School Parking Lot
EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*
TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*
EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*
BELLA: *is amazed*
ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*
I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital
CHARLIE: Are you okay!?
BELLA: Fine, dad.
CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*
BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*
CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.
BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?
EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Bella’s Bedroom
EDWARD: *stalks Bella*
BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*
School Parking Lot
MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?
BELLA: *watches Edward*
MIKE: Bella?
BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?
MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.
BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.
EDWARD: Score.
MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!
Greenhouse
ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?
EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?
BELLA: Um... a zoo.
EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.
BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.
JESSICA: *p-blocks*
EDWARD: *runs away*
JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!
BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.
JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.
Outside the Greenhouse
EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.
BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.
ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?
EDWARD: No, this bus is full.
BELLA: D*ck.
The Swan House
CHARLIE: ...
BELLA: ...
Cafeteria
THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*
EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!
ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?
BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*
JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.
BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*
MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.
BELLA: *gets it*
ERIC: La Push is la push.
BELLA: *is confused again*
EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*
BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*
EDWARD: Let’s be friends.
BELLA: Are you on your period or something?
EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.
BELLA: Let’s la push.
EDWARD: I can’t.
BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*
La Push, baby!
ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.
BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.
ANGELA: I am?
BELLA: Yeah.
JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?
ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!
JACOB: Hello.
BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.
JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.
SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!
Closer to the Tide
BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?
JACOB: You caught that, huh?
BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.
JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.
Some Boat Docks
WAYLON: *sings*
MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*
WAYLON: I saw her first!
MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...
WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.
MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*
WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!
In Bella’s Room
BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*
On a Sunny Day Back at School
BELLA: *looks around for Edward*
JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.
ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".
BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.
JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.
CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!
BELLA: I can go, too?
Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store
ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*
SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*
At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)
BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*
Parking Lot of Raep Time
BELLA: *walks*
TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*
BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*
A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*
BELLA: Don’t touch me.
ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*
EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*
ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*
EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.
Driving Away in Edward’s
EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*
BELLA: So... hi.
EDWARD: Distract me.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.
BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.
EDWARD: On?
The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House
EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.
ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.
BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*
WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?
EDWARD: No, thank you.
BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?
EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.
BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.
EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.
BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.
EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.
BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*
EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.
Back in Edward’s Car
BELLA: Is it hot in here?
EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*
BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!
EDWARD: Hey, look over there!
Over There = Police Station
EDWARD: My father is here.
CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.
BELLA: How?
CARLISLE: Aminals.
BELLA: Animals?
EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.
CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*
BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?
CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.
In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom
BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*
Back at the School of Slow Motion
BELLA: *shifty-eyes*
EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*
The Woods
BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...
EDWARD: *crows*
BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.
CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*
EDWARD: Are you afraid?
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.
BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*
EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*
BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*
EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*
BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?
EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.
BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*
EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*
TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?
EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.
CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*
EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.
BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*
EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.
BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.
EDWARD: *touches some boob*
In the Fields of Naboo
EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*
CAMERA: *does another 360*
EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*
BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.
NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.
CAM: NO! Really!?
NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.
STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*
NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.
The Next Day at School
EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*
BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.
EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.
Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: How did you become a vampire?
EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*
BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.
EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.
FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*
BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?
EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.
BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?
EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.
Outside the Swan Home
EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.
ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*
BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?
EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.
BELLA: Do me now.
EDWARD: Gotta go...
BELLA: WTF!?
EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*
BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*
BELLA: You can drive?
BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.
JACOB: *rolls eyes*
BELLA: *rolls eyes*
CAM: *rolls eyes*
BILLY: *rolls wheels*
The Overly Modern Cullen Household
BELLA: This place is really nice.
EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.
ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.
BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?
ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.
BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.
ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*
ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.
ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.
EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...
ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?
EMMETT: ...
BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.
JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*
ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.
JASPER: *looks awkward*
BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?
A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom
BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.
EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.
BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.
EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.
BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?
CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*
THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*
Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?
STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*
BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.
CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?
WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?
CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.
SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!
CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.
Out... In Bella’s Bedroom
RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*
BELLA: I like Forks now.
RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?
BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?
EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.
BELLA: *falls asleep*
EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*
In the Swan House
CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*
BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.
CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*
EDWARD: Hello, sir.
CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*
BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*
CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.
EDWARD: Good one, sir.
BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.
In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol
BELLA: Vampires like baseball?
EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.
ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.
BELLA: You’re out!
ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!
ALICE: *throws like a girl*
EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*
EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*
EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*
JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*
VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*
ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*
‘80S RIFF: *plays*
LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.
JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*
ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*
CARLISLE: The girl is with us.
LAURENT: Then we shall leave.
CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.
Out of There
BELLA: But they said they were leaving.
EDWARD: James is a tracker.
BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.
EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.
BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".
EDWARD: ...
At Charlie’s House
EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!
BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!
CHARLIE: What happened?
BELLA: I’m going home!
CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!
BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!
CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?
BELLA: *slams bedroom door*
EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?
BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.
Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck
EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.
BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.
EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*
At the Cullen Mansion
LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.
ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.
EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.
ROSALIE: What? No thongs?
EDWARD: *shakes head*
ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.
BELLA: I’m so scared.
EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.
In the Woods
ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*
JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*
Hotel Room in Phoenix
ALICE: James has changed course.
JASPER: Where is he headed?
ALICE: *draws some mirrors*
BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some arches*
BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
ALICE: *draws some railings*
BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.
JASPER AND ALICE: ...
A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason
BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*
BELLA: Hey, mom.
RENEE: Bella, where are you?
BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.
JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.
BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!
JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.
BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.
Ballet Studio
RENEE: Bella!
BELLA: MOM!
RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*
BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?
JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.
BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!
JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.
BELLA: You bastard!
JAMES: Now act scared!
KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*
JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*
BELLA: Ouch, babababa.
JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*
BELLA: I want a donut!
CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.
EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*
JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*
EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.
JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*
EDWARD: No! You jerk!
JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*
EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?
BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.
JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*
BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*
EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*
THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*
CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?
EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?
CARLISLE: Watch Alice.
ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*
EDWARD: Yikes.
BELLA: *continues to orgasm*
CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.
EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*
BELLA: *is on #5 now*
CARLISLE: Alright, stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: Stop.
EDWARD: *continues*
CARLISLE: STOP!
Cut to Hosmopital
BELLA: *wakes up*
RENEE: Bella?
BELLA: Am I dead?
RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.
BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?
RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...
BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!
RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.
BELLA: Where’s James?
EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.
BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.
EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*
Charlie Swan’s House
CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?
BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!
CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?
Outside of Prom
EDWARD: BRB.
BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.
JACOB: *appears out of the woods*
BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?
JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.
EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!
JACOB: Whatever, douche.
Prom
BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!
EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.
BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...
EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?
BELLA: Yes!
EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?
VICTORIA: You guys both will.
Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas
BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?
FIN.
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