Disclaimer: I think Eclipse is the best Twilight movie so far, but that’s not saying much. David Slade did a fine job directing, but that doesn’t save us from Melissa Rosenthaw’s screenplay. Hopefully you’ve read my Twilight and New Moon in D/S’s before embarking on this one. If there are any errors, please comment.
Hello Seattle
RILEY: *walks out of a bar and is surprised to find that it’s raining*
CAM: Ah, stereotypes of our city. That’s right people… it rains that hard every single day. Don’t move here. *as he writes this in cloudless mid-90s weather* Stay away!
RILEY: *is attacked by a flying… Carrot Top?... so he heads toward the ocean because vampires hate the water… oh wait, those are witches* Sh*t.
Edward’s Meadow
BELLA: *studies for her English final with OMG… it’s Edward… OMG!*
EDWARD: Marry me.
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Okay!
BELLA: Change me.
EDWARD: You’re still in diapers?
BELLA: No, change me into a vampire.
EDWARD: I will if you marry me. It’s called a compromise.
BELLA: I’ll have to remember that word for my English final.
EDWARD: Are you worried about what people will think?
BELLA: No, I think they’ll quite understand marrying a vampire and then becoming one.
EDWARD: Good, so then marry me.
BELLA: I can’t. I need to be home by 4. *kisses Edward, gets up, turns around, and walks away*
EDWARD: Ah, that shapeless white ass.
Casa de Charlie y Bella
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* 4 o’clock on the dot. That kid trying to brownnose me now or something?
ALL THE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Edward could brownnose me any day!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* Your early curfew is set in place to separate you and Edward.
BELLA: Dad!
CHARLIE: *takes a swig of Rainier Beer* You can hang out with Jacob as much as you want.
BELLA: Dad, I’m starting to think that you’re an alcoholic.
CHARLIE: You’re a nice lady.
Bella’s Room
BELLA: *calls Jacob*
JACOB’S VOICE MAIL: Hey, this is Jake. Leave a message. And if this is Bella, piss off!
BELLA: *hangs up*
Outside
BELLA: *gets in her car and tries to start it, but it won’t turn over*
EDWARD: *appears*
BELLA: You scared me.
EDWARD: You can’t go to the reservation.
BELLA: How did you know?
EDWARD: Alice.
BELLA: Alice in Wonderland, Alice? Or your sister, Alice?
EDWARD: I don’t know why I even bother sometimes.
BELLA: You’re so dreamy.
Forks High School
JESSICA: Ugh, I can’t believe I have to still be in these movies. I was nominated for an Academy Award for cryin’ out loud!
ERIC: At least you’re the valedictorian in this movie! It was supposed to be me! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
ALICE: I’ve decided to throw a party.
BELLA: Aw, sweet! Your parties are the best, Alice!
ALICE: Really!?
BELLA: No.
ALICE: *is bummed at first, but then looks like she just made diarrhea in her pants*
Forks Police Station
CHARLIE: *is talking to people at his desk*
BELLA: Is Alice sick or something?
EDWARD: No, she saw something.
BELLA: I know you know what she saw. Tell me.
EDWARD: We just spent 20 minutes alone in my car and you’re just now asking me about all this?
BELLA: *folds her arms and taps her foot*
EDWARD: It’s no big deal. Just this plotpoint we’ve been tracking in Seattle where an army of newborn vampires are uncontrollable and have been killing many people. Charlie is talking to the parents of a kid who has been missing there for over a year now. Like I said, it’s not too important.
CHARLIE: Hey.
EDWARD: I guess that’s my cue. Oh, Bella, don’t forget that the airline ticket that we apparently got for you in the last movie expires this weekend, so you should use it soon to visit your mom. It might be the last time you get to see her.
CHARLIE: ??
EDWARD: Before graduation, that is.
CHARLIE: =/
BELLA: Okay, but only if you go with me.
CHARLIE: >=|
Florida, at Renee’s
RENEE: Don’t you just love it here in Florida? We’ve got sun, beautiful colleges, beaches…
BELLA: Yeah, beaches full of BP oil.
RENEE: Are you sure you don’t want to go to college here instead of Alaska? I just want to make sure you are making the right choices for you because you’re the one that’s going to have to live with them.
BELLA: Live with them… *removes sunglasses* without a soul.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
RENEE: I made you this quilt out of old t-shirts for your graduation present.
BELLA: Aw, you shouldn’t have.
RENEE: Oh, it was nothing.
BELLA: No, mom, seriously… you shouldn’t have. I’ll never use this thing.
RENEE: >=|
On the Forest Moon of Endor
THE CULLENS: *gather*
ALICE: She’s on your left!
EMMETT: *chases Victoria through the woods*
THE WHOLE SCENE: *is like the speeder bike chase in Return of the Jedi, minus the speeder bikes*
STORMTROOPER EMMETT: *gets thrown into a tree*
VICTORIA: *crosses over the river to werewolf country*
EMMETT: *tries to follow but is immediately smacked down into the river by werewolf Paul* Damn, dog! This was a new hoodie!
Forks High Parking Lot
BELLA AND EDWARD: *drive up*
EDWARD: If I asked you to stay in the car, would you?
BELLA: It’s the ‘10s, Edward. A woman can do whatever she wants…
JACOB: *is standing near the school in a tight black shirt*
SOME ROCK SONG: *comes on really loud during Jacob’s introduction and mysteriously dies down mid-conversation*
BELLA: …and whoever she wants! Hey, Jakey!
JACOB: I’m just here to warn him that you need to stay off our property.
EDWARD: *under his breath to Jacob* Shut up.
BELLA: What happened?
EDWARD: Emmett and Paul had a misunderstanding. It’s nothing.
JACOB: You’re such a liar. Bella is the one that the firecrotch wants.
BELLA: Victoria?
JACOB: Yeah. The one who has been after you for three movies now.
BELLA: Why haven’t you been returning my phone calls?
JACOB: Phone call? Have you ever actually seen me use a cell phone before? And besides, when I’m in wolf form, where would I put it?
EDWARD: Your butt.
JACOB: What was that!?
EDWARD: Nice butt.
JACOB: That’s what I thought. *turns around to leave on his motorcycle*
BELLA: Wait, I’m going with you. *puts on a helmet (something she could have used in the last movie) and hops on the back of Jacob’s bike*
JACOB: Hold on tight, spider monkey.
EDWARD: Hey, that’s my line!
JACOB AND BELLA: *drive off*
Emily’s House o’ Wolves
QUIL: Hey, Bella! I’m in the gang now.
BELLA: I can see that. You’re shirtless.
JACOB: Bella, this is Leah Clearwater, Harry’s daughter.
BELLA: Oh, cool. And how is your dad doing?
LEAH: He died in the last movie all thanks to you, sl*t. *walks away*
BELLA: Oh, yeah…
JACOB: Don’t worry about her. I’m pretty sure I saw her start her period when I was running behind her in wolf form.
BELLA: Jake, that’s disgusting. Speaking of…
EMILY: Bella! I was wondering when we were going to see your face around here again.
BELLA: And I was wondering when I was going to see your face…
EMILY: …
SAM: …
JACOB: …
BELLA: …
… A.K.A. A Lesson on Imprinting
BELLA: So, when did Leah join the pack?
JACOB: Last book. Her 15 year old brother, Seth, also joined us. Though I wish it was just him and not Leah.
BELLA: Don’t be sexist, sexy.
JACOB: No, I’m just tired of the Leah-Sam-Emily love triangle. Sam left Leah when he met Emily.
BELLA: Well, crushes are like that.
JACOB: It’s more than a crush, Bella. Sam imprinted on Emily.
BELLA: Sounds sexy.
JACOB: No, imprinting is different. It’s like actual love at first sight.
BELLA: Sounds gay.
Back in Bella’s Room
RILEY: *inspects Bella’s dreamcatcher* Huh… no eggs in this nest. *picks up one of Bella’s shirts and sniffs it* Huh… Preparation H. *walks downstairs and finds Charlie sleeping* Huh… I could kiss him like Sleeping Beauty right now.
BELLA: *comes back home*
CHARLIE: Edward should be bringing you home at 4.
BELLA: I was with Jacob, dad.
CHARLIE: Awesome. Did you guys do it?
FRONT DOOR: Knock, knock!
BELLA: *opens*
EDWARD: *in his thickest British accent ever* Do you understand how worried I’ve been!? What’s that smell?
BELLA: Oh, sorry. I farted.
EDWARD: No, something’s wrong.
BELLA: Well, I have been having to use a lot of Preparation H lately.
EDWARD: *runs up to Bella’s room* Someone has been in here.
The Cullen Mansion
CARLISLE: Was it someone we know?
EDWARD: No.
CARLISLE: Someone is orchestrating this.
BELLA: Victoria?
ALICE: No, I would have seen her decide.
EDWARD: The Volturi?
ALICE: I don’t think it’s them either.
ESME: Lady Gaga?
ALICE: He is currently on tour.
EMMETT: James Cameron?
ALICE: I can’t see him unless I put 3D glasses on.
JASPER: Steve Jobs?
ALICE: He’s just trying to play a Flash game on his iPad.
CARLISLE: We’ll set up shifts to guard Bella’s house.
ROSALIE: F*ck.
BELLA: You can’t do it all by yourselves.
EDWARD: What else can we do?
BELLA: Get help.
EDWARD: From who?
Enter McDouche McDoucherson the Douchestick
JACOB: Whoever it was, he left his stink behind. It’ll be hard to miss when we cross it again. We’ll handle it from here.
EDWARD: I’ll handle your face from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle your mom’s face from here!
EDWARD: I’ll handle your mom’s face’s butt from here!
JACOB: I’ll handle…
BELLA: Stop! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
JACOB: Look, Switzerland. He started it!
At the Exchange
EDWARD AND BELLA: *drive up in Edward’s Volvo and get out*
JACOB: Nice Vulva. Your car is not so bad either.
EDWARD: *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate kiss*
BELLA: Happy hunting. *starts to walk over to Jacob*
JACOB: Hey, average lookin’. *gives Bella a long, deep, passionate hug*
EDWARD: Mine was better.
JACOB: Mine is bigger.
EDWARD: =(
JACOB: Wanna go to a pow-wow?
BELLA: For the last time, Jacob. I’m with Edward.
Pow-wowing with the Quileutes
BLACK: Our ancestors found a feminine looking vampire in the woods one day who had killed some of our tribesmen. We killed him, but surprisingly, he was straight and his girlfriend came to our village for vengeance. She killed the chief’s son and right before she was about to kill the chief, his wife plunged a dagger into herself. She sacrificed her life to distract the vampire. She saved the tribe.
BELLA: Ummm… why did she kill herself? Why couldn’t she have just made a small cut on her arm or something?
ALL OF THE QUILEUTES: *stare*
Back in Seattle
BREE: *shaking and scared* What did you do to me?
RILEY: Now that I have a better look at you, you don’t look over 18.
CHRIS HANSON: Why don’t you have a seat right over here? I’m Chris Hanson from Dateline NBC and we’re doing a story on men who…
RILEY: *attacks Chris Hanson and turns him into a vampire*
THE OTHER NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *start attacking each other*
Back at Cullen Home
TV NEWS REPORTER: Police are baffled by the escalating murders and have no leads despite each victim having two round teeth marks on their necks as if a vampire bit them.
CARLISLE: It’s gotten worse. We’re going to have to do something.
JASPER: It takes more than one of our kind to do this.
EDWARD: Newborns.
BELLA: Little babies are doing this?
JASPER: Newborn vampires. It’s when we’re at our most vicious.
BELLA: Awww… little baby vampires are doing this? They’re probably just hungry!
CARLISLE: Someone is creating an army.
BELLA: An army of little baby vampires? How cute!
CARLISLE: No, like an army of people who have just been turned into vampires.
BELLA: An army of vampires? I’ve never heard of something so ridiculous.
JASPER: You do remember the Volturi, don’t you?
Back at Swan Home
CHARLIE: *stares at the Missing Person flier with Riley Biers’ name and picture on it* Mmmm…. Biers.
EDWARD AND BELLA: *are upstairs cuddling in her bed*
BELLA: Why are you so against me becoming like you?
EDWARD: Because you just don’t have the hair for it.
Somewhere Pacific Northwesterny
BELLA: So, Alice has planned a big graduation party, which you are invited to.
JACOB: *gives a look to Bella like, “Are you f*cking serious?” which can sometimes be confused with his “A beef chalupa sounds really good right now” look and his “I have a semi-boner right now” look*
BELLA: Yeah, I figured that.
JACOB: Bella, you need to hear the truth. You need to know that I’m in love with you.
BELLA: I thought you understood. Edward is my man and you’re just my little playmate.
JACOB: *utters the words that every woman wishes they could hear every single solitary day* I’m not giving up. I’m going to fight for you. Until your heart stops beating.
CAM: Can you tell that a woman wrote this screenplay?
JACOB: You wouldn’t have to change for me, or say goodbye to anybody. *places Bella’s hand on his boobies* Feel that? That’s flesh, and blood, and warmth.
BELLA: Have you been practicing this in the mirror, Jakey?
JACOB: Maybe.
BELLA: You’re adorable.
JACOB: Adorable this! *leans in and kiss-raeps Bella*
BELLA: *pushes Jacob away and face-punches him, but since he is so strong, it practically breaks her hand* Ouch, that smarts.
Afterwards, Outside Bella’s House
EDWARD: Don’t you ever touch her against her will again!
JACOB: She doesn’t know what she wants!
EDWARD: Let me give you a clue; wait for her to say the words!
JACOB: Fine! And she will!
CHARLIE: Stop fighting over me! I’m tired of this! From now on I’m Switzerland, okay?
EDWARD AND JACOB: *both stare at Charlie for a little bit*
CHARLIE: Just kidding. Not funny? What’s going on?
JACOB: I kissed Bella. And then she punched my face.
CHARLIE: Like in Facepunch? I love that movie.
At the Dr. Cullens’ House
EMMETT: Trying to walk and chew gum at the same time again, Bella?
BELLA: Trying to get more lines in this movie?
EMMETT: ...
ROSALIE: *pouts and steps outside*
BELLA: *follows her* Why do you hate me so much?
ROSALIE: Because I’m supposed to look like the most attractive girl in the whole world and I’m only average looking.
BELLA: I think I’m average looking, too.
ROSALIE: Exactly. Bella, have I ever told you about my backstory?
BELLA: No.
ROSALIE: Well, I was in love with Royce King, the most eligible bachelor until he and his group of friends raped me and left me for dead. Then Carlisle saved me and I took my revenge on each of them.
BELLA: *looks like she’s about to fall asleep… wait a minute… no, nevermind, that’s just how Kristen Stewart always looks*
Back in Lovely Seattle
NEWBORN VAMPIRES: *are killing people*
RILEY: I hate this door! *slams car door on the ground* You newbs need to prepare yourselves for what’s coming!
FOUR OF THE VULTURI: *watch from a rooftop*
DEMETRI: They’ve already drawn too much attention.
FELIX: We should talk to Aro about this.
JANE: *casts crucio on Felix* Aro’s decisions are being watched. We’ll wait. *turns off the pain*
FELIX: Ow! You could have just said so. No need to be a b*tch about it.
RILEY: *thought he might have spotted a talented young actress on top of a building, but there’s no one there*
Graduation
JESSICA: When we were 5, they asked what we wanted to be when we grow up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case, an Academy Award-nominated actress. When we were 10, they asked again, we answered rock star, cowboy, or in my case, the actress with the most cred in a successful teen franchise. But now that we’ve grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this? … F*CK YOU, YOU DIRTY F*GGOTS! You’ll never catch me! *pushes over the podium, jumps off stage, and runs out of auditorium*
BELLA: *tries to start an infectious clap, but fails*
ERIC: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Alice’s Graduation Party
JACOB: *shows up*
BELLA: WTH are you doing here!?
JACOB: I wanted to say sorry, and I made you this. *hands Bella a wolf charm bracelet*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny! I forgive you.
ALICE: *walks down the stairs and suddenly pauses as if she has just made diarrhea under her skirt*
BELLA: Alice, what’s wrong? Do you need to go potty?
ALICE: No. I saw them. The n00bs are coming here. And they’re after Bella.
JACOB: Not my Bella! We will help.
CARLISLE: Very well, but you’ll need training.
Training on Degobah
THE WOLVES: *show up*
CARLISLE: The newbs are stronger than us. Jasper here has experience with them, so he’ll be leading the training.
JASPER: Alright, now see here, ya’ll. We’s gonna get into some fisticuffs with some of dem newborn vampires, alright? Them things right here gonna be tough. Two things ya’ll canines should know now is don’t let them get their arms around ya, and never go for the obvious kill, mm’kay?
BELLA: When did Jasper get the Southern accent?
EDWARD: *thinks about it for a little bit* Yesterday.
THE CULLENS: *fight each other and I’m not sure how effective the training is… all I know is, I wouldn’t mind having Alice pounce on me from a tree.*
POKÉMON ANNOUNCER: It’s super effective!
BELLA: Jasper, how do you know so much about newbies?
JASPER: Listen here, now, for it’s a sad, sad tale. I led an army of newborn vampires back in the Civil War where I was in the Confederate Army and—
BELLA: Wait… you fought for the South!?
JASPER: Hell yeah! This country wasn’t ‘bouts to take away my blacks. So anyway, this girl was basically pawning me the whole time and—
BELLA: Is this going to be just as boring as Rosalie’s backstory? Because if so, I’ve heard enough.
JASPER: Well, shoooooooot.
Back in the Emerald City
VICTORIA: *basically reveals herself to be the ringleader of the newborn army*
Outside Bella’s House
BELLA: I think I should stay with you during the fight.
EDWARD: Okay, but why do you look totally different?
BELLA: New make-up artist. You like?
EDWARD: Wellllll… it is something to distract me from your boring eyes, so… yes.
At the Site Chosen for the Big Battle
JACOB: What’s the plan, homeslice?
EDWARD: You are going to carry Bella so that your odor masks her scent.
BELLA: Can’t I just use some Summer’s Eve—
JASPER: No! That’s exactly what they’ll expect.
The Swan Home
CHARLIE: Alice, you and your fine self are welcome back here anytime to visit ol’ Uncle Charlie. And thanks for the SoBe, but I think I’m going to stick with my Rainier Beer.
BELLA: Wow, my dad really likes you.
ALICE: That’s because I showed him my boobs. Anyway, you’re off the hook for the battle. He thinks you’re having a sleepover with me at our place, but really you and Edward will have the whole house to yourself to… well, you know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: Come on! You know…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: To do… the thing… with…
BELLA: …?
ALICE: 8=====> O
BELLA: I was never very good at math.
ALICE: Forget it. *leaves*
BELLA: Hey, dad.
CHARLIE: Alice showed me her boobies and I liked them.
BELLA: Do you believe there’s any value in marriage?
CHARLIE: Sh*t! Are you pregnant!?!? You should be using protection when you makes the sex!
BELLA: Okay, dad, like, seriously… stop. Edward is… old school.
CHARLIE: “Old school”? Is that like a code for in the butt or something?
BELLA: Okay, dad! Stop! I’m a virgin, okay!? *goes up to her room*
CHARLIE: Yeah, you better be a butt virgin, too, or I’ll go all old school on Edward!
At the Cullen Home… Alone… With Eddie
BELLA: I want to ask you something.
EDWARD: Anything.
BELLA: Marriage is the condition for you to change me yourself, right?
EDWARD: Yes.
BELLA: Okay, I want to negotiate my own condition.
EDWARD: Anything you want, it’s yours.
BELLA: You promise?
EDWARD: Yeah…
BELLA: Okay. *grabs Edward’s peepee*
EDWARD: Except that! That’s my no-no spot!
BELLA: Seriously? You’re like a girl.
EDWARD: I want to be married first. It’s my only rule. So… would you do me the honor of marrying me? *gives Bella his mother’s ring*
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
EDWARD: I’ll take that as a yes.
Under the Seattle Monorail, Which is Actually a Busy Spot
RILEY: You’re not coming with us.
VICTORIA: It’ll be a last minute decision. I told you how this works.
RILEY: The Cullens… have… powers.
VICTORIA: Yes, that’s what I told you earlier, R-Tard.
Out in the Woods
BELLA: *purposely cuts her finger and rubs blood on trees and plants to confuse the army* This means we’re friends forever now, tree.
EDWARD: You’re going overboard. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the ring I just gave you?
BELLA: I don’t want to risk losing it.
EDWARD: …or risk Jacob seeing it.
JACOB: Risk me seeing what?
BELLA: My vagina!
JACOB: Um…
BELLA: I mean, nothing. Pshhh. *runs fingers through hair*
EDWARD: I’ll see you later. *kisses Bella on the forehead and leaves*
JACOB: Something up?
BELLA: *looks around* Umm… yeah. Vampires are after me.
JACOB: No, I know. I mean anything other than that.
BELLA: Well, I do think you’re going to look like James Carville when you grow up.
At a Nearby Coast
THE ARMY: *walks along the sea floor and can apparently hold their breath for a long time*
EDWARD: *stands on the highest peak of the coastline and waits for someone to acknowledge his exceptional tent-building skills*
JACOB AND BELLA: *arrive*
BELLA: Hey, nice tent.
EDWARD: Oh, this old thing? *smirk*
Hours Later, as it Snows Like Balls
BELLA: S-s-s-s-o-o-o-o-o… c-c-c-c-c-c-c-o-l-d.
EDWARD: What can I do?
CAM: Well, for starters, you could have not built a tent on the top of Mount Everest.
JACOB: I can slip in there and warm her up.
EDWARD: I haven’t even slipped in there yet!
JACOB: I was talking about her sleeping bag.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
JACOB: *gets into the sleeping bag with Bella* You know, Bella. You would warm up faster if you were naked.
EDWARD: Don’t do it, Bella. It’s a trick.
BELLA: *falls asleep… or does she?*
EDWARD: You know, if it wasn’t for you being a wolf and all, I might have actually been gay for you.
JACOB: Likewise.
The Next Morning
BELLA: Last night must have been hard for you.
EDWARD: Meh, I was only semi-hard. I can wait until we get married.
JACOB: *suddenly shows up* You’re marrying him!?
BELLA: No! Jake, stay!
JACOB: You think I’m some kind of dog or something? Wait… don’t answer that.
BELLA: I don’t want to lose you.
JACOB: That’s not good enough. You’re going to have to do better than that.
BELLA: Jacob! Poop in my mouth!
JACOB: What!?
BELLA: I’m asking you… poop… in my mouth.
JACOB: O.O
BELLA: What? That’s what wolves do, right?
JACOB: No. Never. I have no idea where you might have heard such a thing.
BELLA: Oh. Well then, kiss me!
JACOB AND BELLA: *kiss passionately*
JACOB: That should have been our first kiss.
BELLA: …
JACOB: Is it too late to reconsider the poop thing now?
BELLA: Yes.
JACOB: Damn. Okay, I’ll be back. *leaves*
BELLA: Did you see what happened?
EDWARD: No, but Jacob’s thoughts are pretty loud. He was thinking something like “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe she’s kissing me right now. This is amazing. I could really go for some Outback Steakhouse after this. The Bloomin’ Onion sounds really good. I can never finish the whole thing by myself though. Maybe Bella would want to go. Oh no wait, she can’t eat onions around her stupid boyfriend. Or is that garlic? Does garlic affect him? Note to self: bring garlic next time I see Edward. Are we still kissing? This is really nice. I wonder if I should ask if it’s too late to poop in her mouth.”
BELLA: A Bloomin’ Onion does sound really good right now.
EDWARD: You love him.
BELLA: I love you more.
EDWARD: I’m going to allow this.
SETH: *appears in wolf form and sends thoughts to Edward*
EDWARD: The fight is starting.
The Aforementioned Fight
THE CULLENS AND WEREWOLVES: *kick some ass*
Back at the Campsite
EDWARD: Victoria’s close! I can hear her thoughts. She caught my scent. I shouldn’t have had leftover Mexican for breakfast.
BELLA: I thought you don’t kill people.
EDWARD: Mexicans are not human beings, Bella. They are animals.
CARLOS RODRIGUEZ: F*ck this sh*t, Cam! I’m not reading this anymore!
EDWARD: She knew you would be with me. She’s not alone.
RILEY: *appears*
EDWARD: Riley, listen to me. Victoria is just using you as her b*tch. She knows I’ll kill you like a b*tch. In fact, she’ll be glad she doesn’t have to deal with her b*tch anymore.
VICTORIA: Don’t listen, b*tc-… I mean, Riley. I told you about their Jedi mind-tricks.
EDWARD: I can read her mind. She only created you and this army to avenge her true mate, James. That’s the only thing she cares about, b*tch.
RILEY: *raises eyebrow*
EDWARD: Her words.
VICTORIA: There’s just you.
EDWARD: Think about it. You’re from Forks. No one likes people from Forks. They’re smelly, they listen to music that was popular two years ago, and they overprice their Twilight souvenirs.
BELLA: You know, Edward, I was born in Forks.
EDWARD: Shhh. Riley, she chose you because you know the area. She doesn’t love you.
RILEY: You’re dead. *starts to attack Edward, but is then attacked by Seth*
VICTORIA: *starts to run away*
EDWARD: You won’t get another chance like this again!
VICTORIA: *stops*
EDWARD: You want her! Not in a lesbo way, but you want her! You want me to feel the pain that you felt when I killed James! When I tore him limb from limb! When I hung his head above my fireplace. When I deep fried his biceps and ate them for dinner. When I flossed my teeth with his ponytail. When I turned him into dust.
VICTORIA: *gets so angry that she attacks Edward*
EDWARD: *throws Victoria into a tree* I hate this tree! *knocks the tree down*
TWILIGHT ENVIRONMENTALIST FAN: I’m going to allow this.
VICTORIA: *falls and gets pinned by Edward*
RILEY: *pushes Edward off of her*
VICTORIA: *puts Edward in a headlock*
BELLA: *cuts her arm… yes, just like in that Quileute story*
VICTORIA AND RILEY: *are super distracted*
EDWARD: *punches Riley off*
RILEY: *gets bitten and dragged away by Seth*
VICTORIA: *gets bitten on the neck by Edward so deep and hard that it separates her head from her shoulders and she dies*
EDWARD: Good thinking on cutting your own arm to distract them?
BELLA: Distract them? No, Edward, I’m a cutter. I cut my arms because I love the pain.
EDWARD: LOL, I love you. Come on, Alice needs us to go. *lights his Hello Kitty Zippo and tosses it on Victoria’s dead body*
VICTORIA’S DEAD BODY: *immediately ignites as if she was doused in gasoline*
EDWARD: I guess you could say that this firecrotch… *puts sunglasses on* … is on fire.
CSI: MIAMI THEME SONG: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAH!
Back at the Fight Location
ALICE: *is standing there*
BELLA: Oh, Alice, did you have another accident?
ALICE: What!? No… maybe. Some of the Volturi are coming.
EDWARD: How long?
ALICE: Felix is about 5 inches, Demetri is maybe 6 and a half…
EDWARD: No. How long until they get here?
ALICE: A few minutes.
ONE LAST VAMPIRE: *comes out and crushes Jacob’s bones, but is then killed by the rest of the pack*
BELLA: Jacob!
CARLISLE: The bones on the right half of his body are shattered.
SAM: We’ll take him back to Billy’s.
THE WOLFPACK: *pick up Jacob’s naked body and carry him off*
JASPER: Gay.
ALICE: The Volturi are here!
ALEC: Looks like we missed the party.
EDWARD: We know how you guys like to be fashionably late.
JANE: Looks like you missed one.
ESME: Please don’t kill her! I want a new baby!
JANE: The Volturi don’t give second chances. Felix, kill her.
FELIX: *kills her*
JANE: And so ends The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner.
CAM: That advertising is not free, Stephanie Meyer.
JANE: Caius would be interested to know that you are still human, Bella.
BELLA: Wow. Dakota Fanning talked to me.
JANE: I am most certainly not Dakota Fanning! I am Jane.
BELLA: Haha. Me, Jane. You, Tarzan. I love acting!
JANE: I can’t stand this. We’re leaving.
BELLA: Wait, wait! Let’s have Emmett play Kerchak!
JANE: *walks away*
BELLA: I loved working with you in The Runaways!
JANE: I liked working with you, too… wait a minute! No! Goodbye!
On the Reservation
BELLA: *drives up* Hey. How’s he doing?
JACOB: *screams in pain from inside the house*
BILLY: Peachy.
CARLISLE: *comes out of the house* He’s going to be all right.
BILLY: Thank you. Is there anything I can do to repay you?
CARLISLE: Let us feed on humans again?
BILLY: Not a chance.
CARLISLE: K, bai!
In Jake’s Bedroom
BELLA: Hey Jake. You look tired. Or dead.
JACOB: Thanks. So, was Edward mad at you for kissing me?
BELLA: No. He was actually really cool with it. Almost encouraging.
JACOB: Damn. You should just be with me. I’m exactly right for you, Bella. It would be as easy as breathing with me.
BELLA: I can’t even chew gum and breathe at the same time, Jacob.
JACOB: You mean chew gum and walk.
BELLA: No, I mean chew gum and breathe. Can’t do it. Charlie hides all of the Doublemint in the pantry ever since I turned purple that one time.
JACOB: I need some time to think.
BELLA: Okay. *leaves*
JACOB: Now… how am I gonna jack off in this sling?
The Meadow of Gayness
EDWARD: August 13th?
BELLA: Yeah. It’s a month before my birthday. It’s also the anniversary of when Michael Phelps set the Olympic record for the most gold medals in Olympic history. I think he’s cute.
EDWARD: I just don’t know why you’re doing this.
BELLA: *stands up and gets really serious* This wasn’t a choice between you and Ja-…
EDWARD: Is this speech going to be long?
BELLA: Maybe.
EDWARD: Here’s your ring.
BELLA: Ooooh, shiny!
Fin.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
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