Monday, January 12, 2009

Twilight D/S

Disclaimer: Twilight was a meh movie. It was fun to see images in my head come to life, but I thought the movie quality was terrible. It should be pretty easy to make fun of it. I saw that Cleo recently wrote a m15m on this and refused to read it so I wouldn’t steal any jokes. So, any similarities are purely coincidental. I still think she’s hilarious. If there are any errors, please send them to camknows@hotmail.com with subject "Twilight Error."





Forest Moon of Endor

NARRATE-BELLA: I knew I was going to die one day. I just didn’t know I would have to watch a deer being chased forever before I would.


Somewhere in Phoenix, Arizona

NARRATE-BELLA: So, I’m going to go spend some time with my dad. Nothing unusual should happen.

RENEE: I love you.

PHIL: *says something douchey*


On the Way to Forks

NARRATE-BELLA: In the land of Mordor, in the fires of Mount Doom, the Dark Lord Sauron forged in secret Forks, Washington.

CHARLIE: *drives Bella home*

NARRATE-BELLA: My dad is the chief of police.

CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.

BELLA: ...

THE AWKWARDNESS: *is overwhelming*


At the Swan Residence

CHARLIE: Here’s your room.

BELLA: Yep.

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...

CHARLIE: Your hair is longer.

BELLA: You already...

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...

THE AWKWARDNESS: *is cringe-worthy*

CHARLIE: Do you like purple?

BELLA: Who doesn’t?

CHARLIE: Yeah, I know, right? Later.


Outside the House

CHARLIE: Bella, you remember Billy.

BELLA: Holy crip, you’re a crapple!

CHARLIE AND BILLY: *dance together in the background*

JACOB: Hey, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies together.

BELLA: Yeah, in our diapers.

CAM: *will try to hold back on all the poop jokes from here on out*

CHARLIE: So, what do you think of this truck?

BELLA: It’s ugly.

CHARLIE: It’s your homecoming present.

BELLA: I love it.

JACOB: I love you.

BELLA: What was that?

JACOB: Nothing.


Forks High

BELLA: *drives up*

TYLER: Nice ride.

BELLA: Nice earring... fag.

ERIC: Annyong! My name is Eric Yorkie and I’ll be your token Asian friend through the rest of the movie.

BELLA: What part of Asia does the surname Yorkie come from?

ERIC: England.

BELLA: England isn’t in Asia.

ERIC: Chillax homeslice. Dag yo. Snap. Bomb diggity.

BELLA: Is this all you do?


Gym Class

BELLA: *spikes volleyball*

VOLLEYBALL: *spikes Mike*

MIKE: Who the f*ck hit me with...

BELLA: *looks average*

MIKE: Well, well, well... what have we here?

BELLA: I’m Bella.

JESSICA: Oh yeah, well I’m Jessica and I saw him first.

BELLA: lol, k.


Lunch

ERIC: Yo, dawg! I see you met my homegirl, Bella.

MIKE: Your homegirl? Bella is mine!

TYLER: No! She’s mine!

ANGELA: Bella, you haven’t even been at this school for 5 minutes and you already have three boyfriends.

BELLA: I’m sorry, who are you?

ANGELA: I’m your best friend, Angela.

BELLA: I must have forgotten being introduced to you.

ROSALIE AND EMMETT: *walk in*

BELLA: Who are they?

JESSICA: Those are Cullens. The mean blonde one is Rosalie. The big jock is Emmett.

ALICE AND JASPER: *walk in*

JESSICA: The twirly one is Alice. The constipated one is Jasper.

EDWARD: *slo-mo entrance*

BELLA: *drools*

JESSICA: And that one is Edward. He’s conveniently the only one not dating anyone within his own family.


Biology

MIKE: Mr. Molina, this is Bella.

MR. MOLINA: The only open seat is conveniently next to Edward.

EDWARD: *smells her flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*

BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some Summer's Eve on the way home*


Main Office

EDWARD: There must be some other science class I can transfer in to.

ADMINISTRATOR: The only other science class we have open is hematology.

EDWARD: Looks like I’ll have to deal with it.

BELLA: *briefly considers suicide*


Carver Café

WAYLON: Hey, Bella. Remember me?

CHARLIE: Waylon, of course she doesn’t. No one does. You only have one purpose in this movie.

WAYLON: To fish?

CHARLIE: Sure.


In Bella’s Room

BELLA: *on the phone with her mom*

RENEE: We might move to Florida. You know, it’s a blue state again.

OPERATOR: Please insert an additional $1.25 to continue this conversation.

BELLA: Mom, where’s your cell phone?

RENEE: Oh, come on. You know I’m the adorably absent-minded mom. How can I keep track of a cell phone? So, have you met any of dem olda boys yet?

BELLA: No. Homework. Bai.


School Day #2

NARRATE-BELLA: I wanted to confront Edward and know what his problem was.

EMMETT: *motosurfs*

EDWARD: *doesn’t show up*

TYLER: Let’s play Hit the Bella.


School Day #3

NARRATE-BELLA: And another day, another no show.

WHITE OWL/BAT/CREATURE: *sits alone today*


School Day #4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16

NARRATE-BELLA: Things were starting to get strange.

ROSALIE, ALICE, AND JASPER: *glare*

EMMETT: *daydreams about motosurfing*


Some Mill

SOME MAN: *gets killed by... people?*


Outside the Swan Residence

CHARLIE: Lassie told me that there was trouble at the old mill. Apparently some guy was killed by an animal.

BELLA: Animal?

CHARLIE: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.


Another Day, Another Biology Class

ERIC: Willyoupleasegotothedancewithme?

BELLA: *spots Edward and walks away*

EDWARD: Hi. I’m Edward. You’re Bella. This is anaphase. I was out of town.

BELLA: I’m yours.


Hallway

EDWARD: Why did you move here?

BELLA: My mom remarried and they travel a lot.

EDWARD: *eyes change color*

BELLA: What’s with your eyes?

EDWARD: *glides out the door*


School Parking Lot

EDWARD: *watches Bella from afar*

TYLER: *swerves shaggin’ wagon towards Bella*

EDWARD: *stops the van with his hand*

BELLA: *is amazed*

ALL THE OTHER KIDS: *apparently never saw Edward run across the parking lot, nor see Edward as he leaves the scene of the accident*


I Want Someone to Take Me to the Hospital

CHARLIE: Are you okay!?

BELLA: Fine, dad.

CARLISLE: *is whiter than anyone*

BELLA: *reminds herself to pick up some milk on the way home*

CARLISLE: Are you dying? Because I know a great way to keep you alive.

BELLA: You got to me really fast from across the lot and you stopped a van with your hand. Are you Superman or something?

EDWARD: I don’t know what you’re talking about.


Bella’s Bedroom

EDWARD: *stalks Bella*

BELLA: *reaches out to the Lord in her sleep*


School Parking Lot

MIKE: Willyoupleasegotothepromwithme?

BELLA: *watches Edward*

MIKE: Bella?

BELLA: Oh, I’m sorry. Who are you?

MIKE: I was asking you to the prom.

BELLA: Oh, I’m apparently going to be in Jacksonville that weekend even though Seattle would have been a smarter choice. You should ask Jessica.

EDWARD: Score.

MR. MOLINA: Hurry up. Everyone on the bus. We have plants to observe!


Greenhouse

ERIC: These are what’s causing global warming?

EDWARD: What’s in Jacksonville?

BELLA: Um... a zoo.

EDWARD: There are six zoos in Washington State alone. Not to mention that Florida is completely on the other side of the country.

BELLA: But none of them have Range of the Jaguar.

JESSICA: *p-blocks*

EDWARD: *runs away*

JESSICA: You’ll never believe who asked me to prom!

BELLA: I could gouge your eyes out right now.

JESSICA: Best. Field trip. Ever.


Outside the Greenhouse

EDWARD: Let’s not be friends.

BELLA: I didn’t know we were. We’ve spoken to each other for a total of 45 seconds this whole movie.

ALICE: Let’s be friends. Are you riding with us?

EDWARD: No, this bus is full.

BELLA: D*ck.


The Swan House

CHARLIE: ...

BELLA: ...


Cafeteria

THE CULLENS: *apparently do eat food*

EDWARD: I’m done with this French toast! I was done with it the moment I saw it!

ERIC: La Push, baby! You in or out?

BELLA: *wonders if "La Push" is some sexual term that the kids are using these days*

JESSICA: Yeah, there’s a big swell coming in.

BELLA: *still doesn’t get it*

MIKE: It’s a beach down by the Quileute Reservation.

BELLA: *gets it*

ERIC: La Push is la push.

BELLA: *is confused again*

EDWARD: *hacky sacks apple*

BELLA: *wishes she could be that apple*

EDWARD: Let’s be friends.

BELLA: Are you on your period or something?

EDWARD: I didn’t say that I didn’t not want to not be not friends.

BELLA: Let’s la push.

EDWARD: I can’t.

BELLA: *seriously wonders if Edward is a boy*


La Push, baby!

ANGELA: Eric won’t ask me to prom.

BELLA: You should ask him. You’re a strong, independent woman.

ANGELA: I am?

BELLA: Yeah.

JESSICA: Hey, Angela. Can you zip me up?

ANGELA: You can’t tell me what to do, you freak b*tch!

JACOB: Hello.

BELLA: Hey. Girls, this is Jacob. He’s my backup plan.

JESSICA: Oh good. You can keep Bella company since Edward bailed on her.

SAM: CULLENS ARE FREAKS!!!


Closer to the Tide

BELLA: What did your friend mean by the Cullens?

JACOB: You caught that, huh?

BELLA: Um... yeah. That was sort of the last thing he said.

JACOB: There’s a legend that says we’re descendants of wolves and the Cullens are descendants of douche bags. My great-grandfather found them douching all over our land. But, they claimed to be different, so we made a treaty with them that they couldn’t douche on our property or else we would reveal them to the pale faces, i.e. you.


Some Boat Docks

WAYLON: *sings*

MYSTERIOUS WOMAN: *tugs boat*

MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *appears... shirtless of course*

WAYLON: I saw her first!

MYSTERIOUS MAN #2: And I saw you second...

WAYLON: Look, I don’t swing that way buddy.

MYSTERIOUS MAN #1: *bites Waylon*

WAYLON: Hey, I definitely don’t swing that way!


In Bella’s Room

BELLA: *Googles "Quileute Legends" and finds some freaky pr0n*


On a Sunny Day Back at School

BELLA: *looks around for Edward*

JESSICA: He’s not here. Whenever it’s sunny out, the Cullens disappear, and my cleavage comes out.

ANGELA: I asked Eric out to the dance and he said "yes".

BELLA: Way to crack that whip early.

JESSICA: We should go to Port Angeles and get all the good dresses before they get bought up.

CAM: Because Port Angeles is the first place I think of when I need to buy a dress. Not that I’ve ever had to buy a dress... shut up!

BELLA: I can go, too?


Immediately Later in Port Angeles’ Best Dress Store

ANGELA AND JESSICA: *comment on dresses and for once actually do a good job of acting... probably because they are shopping for dresses which any girl can pull off*

SOME BOYS: *pass by and gawk*


At an Indian Store (Feather, Not Dot)

BELLA: *buys a book about legends instead of just reading it in the store which would have been a lot quicker*


Parking Lot of Raep Time

BELLA: *walks*

TWO BOYS: *spot her and follow*

BELLA: *calmly turns around to walk away*

A DIFFERENT TWO BOYS: *block her*

BELLA: Don’t touch me.

ONE OF THE BOYS: *touches her*

EDWARD: *speeds up in his Volvo to save the day!*

ALL THE BOYS: *are slightly intimidated by Edward because he must be concerned about safety if he drives a Volvo*

EDWARD: Get in the car, Bella. I need to make cat noises at these guys.


Driving Away in Edward’s Vulva Volvo

EDWARD: *cries and his performance somehow reminds me of Hayden Christensen’s Anakin Skywalker*

BELLA: So... hi.

EDWARD: Distract me.

BELLA: What?

EDWARD: Distract me from going back there and ripping those guys’ heads off.

BELLA: You should put your seat belt on.

EDWARD: On?


The Italian Restaurant That Looks Like It’s in Someone’s House

EDWARD: I’m going to feed Bella and make sure she gets home okay.

ANGELA AND JESSICA: Whatever you say.

BELLA: *orders mushroom ravioli because only Americans would think of sticking fungus in pasta wrappers*

WAITRESS: Are you sure me and my hair can’t convince you and your hair to order anything to eat?

EDWARD: No, thank you.

BELLA: So, how did you know where I was?

EDWARD: I was stalking you waaaaay before those creepy guys were.

BELLA: But it’s you and not them, so that’s not creepy.

EDWARD: I had to do something after I heard what those boys wanted to do to you in their thoughts.

BELLA: Wait... you can read people’s thoughts? I got it, you’re a Vulcan.

EDWARD: Close. It does start with a "V", but no. I can read every mind in this room, except yours.

BELLA: *is thankful for that right now because she’s thinking about sex*

EDWARD: The music artist singing the song in this place sounds really familiar.


Back in Edward’s Car

BELLA: Is it hot in here?

EDWARD AND BELLA: *both reach for the heater at the same time and Bella accidentally touches Edward’s cold hand*

BELLA: Your hand feels like it’s been sitting in a glass of ice water for the last hour!

EDWARD: Hey, look over there!


Over There = Police Station

EDWARD: My father is here.

CARLISLE: Waylon is dead.

BELLA: How?

CARLISLE: Aminals.

BELLA: Animals?

EDWARD: Yeah, they’re big furry creatures that walk on all fours, but that’s not important right now.

CARLISLE: *sends Edward a sneaky glance*

BELLA: Dad, how are you holding up?

CHARLIE: Oh, I’m just fine. Waylon never really existed anyway.


In the Privacy of Bella’s Bedroom

BELLA: *uses the book she bought in Port Angeles to look up "cold ones" and then proceeds to figure out that Edward must be a vampire by searching for the keyword on Google... something she could have done without spend $28 on some book she’s only going to use once*


Back at the School of Slow Motion

BELLA: *shifty-eyes*

EDWARD: *follows Bella into the woods*


The Woods

BELLA: You can fly, you can fight, and you can...

EDWARD: *crows*

BELLA: You are either Peter Pan, or a vampire.

CAMERA: *does a pointless 360 around Bella and Edward*

EDWARD: Are you afraid?

BELLA: No.

EDWARD: You will be. You... will... be.

BELLA: *is forced onto Edward’s back*

EDWARD: *wuxias up the hill with Bella in tow and reaches the top*

BELLA: *apparently does not get motion sickness*

EDWARD: *stands in the sunlight and glitters like a fairy*

BELLA: I’m supposed to be scared of this, because...?

EDWARD: Because it means I’m a killer. I’m a predator. Everything about me draws you in. My looks, my voice... my looks.

BELLA: *thinks his little rant is cute*

EDWARD: *rips out a tree and throws it at a rock*

TREE: Hey, you bastard! What did I ever do to you!?

EDWARD: My family and I are different though. We’re vegetarians; we only eat animals.

CAM: *thinks he could be that kind of vegetarian*

EDWARD: But you, Bella. Your scent is like a drug to me.

BELLA: *reminds herself not to shower more often*

EDWARD: That’s why I couldn’t stand being around you when you first showed up.

BELLA: Despite all this, I can’t live without you now.

EDWARD: *touches some boob*


In the Fields of Naboo

EDWARD AND BELLA: *lay in the grass and stare at each other*

CAMERA: *does another 360*

EDWARD: *shimmers in the sunlight*

BELLA: Now that I can see this up close, it is kind of gay.

NARRATE-BELLA: Three things I knew for sure. First, that Edward was a vampire.

CAM: NO! Really!?

NARRATE-BELLA: Second, since he thirsts for my blood, I’ll have to figure out what to do to hide my periods.

STEPHANIE MEYER: *avoids*

NARRATE-BELLA: And third, that after barely learning all this, I was unconditionally in love with him.


The Next Day at School

EDWARD: *is one of those people who wear sunglasses even when it’s not sunny out*

BELLA: Everyone is staring at us.

EDWARD: They’re just jealous of the ‘tude, man.


Around Places That Look Pacific Northwesterny

BELLA: How did you become a vampire?

EDWARD: Carlisle saved me from dying in 1918.

FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping Edward*

BELLA: So, you’re 90 years old? That is so hot.

EDWARD: It’s hard to stop drinking human blood once you’ve had a taste.

FLASHBACK: *shows Carlisle raeping his wife Esme*

BELLA: Did vampires kill Waylon?

EDWARD: Yeah, but we don’t know who yet.

BELLA: Can all vampires read peoples’ minds?

EDWARD: No, but I won’t really bother telling you about everyone else’s powers.


Outside the Swan Home

EDWARD: I’m going to take you to meet my family.

ROBERT PATTINSON: *has never sounded more British*

BELLA: Don’t you think we’re moving a bit fast?

EDWARD: It’s only a two hour movie.

BELLA: Do me now.

EDWARD: Gotta go...

BELLA: WTF!?

EDWARD: *drives away and passes Billy*

BILLY: *gives Edward the stink eye*

BELLA: You can drive?

BILLY: Only to watch the Mariners have another winning season.

JACOB: *rolls eyes*

BELLA: *rolls eyes*

CAM: *rolls eyes*

BILLY: *rolls wheels*


The Overly Modern Cullen Household

BELLA: This place is really nice.

EDWARD: We stored the coffins down in the dungeon next to our moat.

ESME: Hi, Bella! We made you dinner.

BELLA: I’m going to be your dinner!?!?

ESME: No, we made Italian food for you for dinner.

BELLA: But... I... kinda... sorta... already ate.

ROSALIE: *pretends salad bowl is Bella’s head*

ESME: Now that you mention it, we finally remembered that we also don’t need to eat.

ROSALIE: You two dating is going to be a problem for all of us.

EMMETT: Yeah, well the problem is...

ESME: Now Emmett, what did we tell you about speaking?

EMMETT: ...

BELLA: I won’t tell anyone about you guys.

JASPER AND ALICE: *come back from their daily tree climbing*

ALICE: Hi, Bella! I’m Alice, and this is Jasper.

JASPER: *looks awkward*

BELLA: None of the other male characters really have any personality, huh?


A Tour of the Rest of the House Which Only Involves Going Into Edward’s Bedroom

BELLA: So, where’s the bed for the, you know... sex.

EDWARD: Oh, I don’t sleep... or have sex.

BELLA: You still listen to CDs? You definitely are 90 years old.

EDWARD: Hop on my back, Yoda. Let’s go for a ride.

BELLA: What’s with you vampires and climbing trees?

CAMERA: *makes the most random pans ever seen*

THE SOUNDTRACK: *is terrible*


Back at the Café Again... Bella Does Cook, Right?

STEPHANIE MEYER: *is a better actor than everyone else in this film*

BELLA: You should cut back on the meat, dad.

CAM: But the Cullens can have all they want?

WAITRESS: Found anything yet, chief?

CHARLIE: Just one human footprint, but we’re not really going to follow it or anything.

SOME OLD GUY: Back in my day, we tracked footprints all up and down the Oregon Trail... and we liked it!

CHARLIE: With a possible vicious killer on the loose, I don’t think it would be such a bad idea for you to go out tonight, Bella.


Out... In Bella’s Bedroom

RENEE: *apparently found her cell phone*

BELLA: I like Forks now.

RENEE: Is it because of a boy? Are you using protection?

BELLA: *wonders how to protect herself from a vampire*

EDWARD: *appears*

BELLA: Holy, F! Mom, got to go! How did you get in here?

EDWARD: I wished myself in. Let’s start doing it and then totally not do it.

BELLA: *falls asleep*

EDWARD: *makes her smell his stinky armpits*


In the Swan House

CHARLIE: *polishes his shotgun*

BELLA: Hey, dad. This might be a bad time, but I want you to meet my b/f.

CHARLIE: *loads shotgun*

EDWARD: Hello, sir.

CHARLIE: *shoots Edward in the face*

BELLA: *hopes those weren’t silver bullets*

CHARLIE: Naw, I’m just joshin’.

EDWARD: Good one, sir.

BELLA: I can see that you two are going to be good friends.


In the Middle of the Woods Where the Cullens Play Béisbol

BELLA: Vampires like baseball?

EDWARD: Yeah, it’s slow, and boring, and doesn’t fit us whatsoever.

ESME: You be the umpire, Bella.

BELLA: You’re out!

ROSALIE: B*tch. I haven’t even gotten up to bat yet!

ALICE: *throws like a girl*

EMMETT: *thinks they’re playing Tae-Bo*

EDWARD: *would rather be playing cricket*

EMMETT: *would rather be moto-surfing*

JASPER: *only got the part because of his excellent bat twirling skills*

VAMPIRES + BASEBALL: *pretty cool actually*

ALICE: *spidey sense goes off*

‘80S RIFF: *plays*

LAURENT: I am Laurent. Firecrotch over here is named Victoria and this guy who would like to kill you is James.

JAMES: *smells Bella’s flavor and jizzes... in... his pants*

ALL THE VAMPIRES: *cat hiss at each other*

CARLISLE: The girl is with us.

LAURENT: Then we shall leave.

CARLISLE: Edward, get Bella out of here.


Out of There

BELLA: But they said they were leaving.

EDWARD: James is a tracker.

BELLA: Sounds like a Quidditch position.

EDWARD: He likes to hunt for sport. I just made this the funnest game in the world for him.

BELLA: I think you mean "most fun".

EDWARD: ...


At Charlie’s House

EDWARD: Bella, I’m sorry!

BELLA: How dare you!? I never want to see you again!

CHARLIE: What happened?

BELLA: I’m going home!

CHARLIE: What!? Why? We were just starting to say more than five words to each other!

BELLA: I don’t need you! I don’t need your Rainier beer! And I certainly don’t need your "I’m a loner" attitude!

CHARLIE: Well then, what’s my appeal!?

BELLA: *slams bedroom door*

EDWARD: I’ve already packed all your things. Quick question... why no thongs?

BELLA: I’ll meet you outside.


Outside, Bella Starts to Drive Away in Her Truck

EDWARD: [British accent]Your father is going to forgive you...[/British accent] Ahem, I mean... your father is going to forgive you.

BELLA: I cut him deep, man. Real deep.

EMMETT: *jumps on truck so he can moto-surf*


At the Cullen Mansion

LAURENT: James has unparalleled senses. He’s absolutely lethal. Later.

ALICE: Jasper and I will take Bella down to Arizona.

EDWARD: Rosalie, you and Esme put on Bella’s clothes and spread her scent around town.

ROSALIE: What? No thongs?

EDWARD: *shakes head*

ROSALIE: I didn’t think I could hate her any more, but now I do.

BELLA: I’m so scared.

EDWARD: We’ll kill James and then everything will be a-ok.


In the Woods

ROSALIE: *marks a tree, not with pee*

JAMES: *follows the fake scents for a while, but somehow, inexplicably figures out their trick*


Hotel Room in Phoenix

ALICE: James has changed course.

JASPER: Where is he headed?

ALICE: *draws some mirrors*

BELLA: There were mirrors like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

ALICE: *draws some arches*

BELLA: There were arches like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

ALICE: *draws some railings*

BELLA: There were railings like that at the ballet studio I used to go to.

JASPER AND ALICE: ...


A Little Later, Alice and Jasper Go to the Lobby and Leave Bella Alone for Some Reason

BELLA’S CELL PHONE: *rings*

BELLA: Hey, mom.

RENEE: Bella, where are you?

BELLA: Oh, I’m fine.

JAMES: You won’t be soon enough.

BELLA: What have you done with her!? Don’t hurt her!

JAMES: You must come to the ballet studio if you ever want to see your mom again.

BELLA: What a coincidence! I was just thinking about that studio earlier today.


Ballet Studio

RENEE: Bella!

BELLA: MOM!

RENEE: *is really an old home video recording*

BELLA: Mom, how did he get you stuck in that TV!?

JAMES: Heh, heh, heh.

BELLA: Get my mom out of this TV now!

JAMES: This is just too easy. I took this camcorder from your house. Let’s see if we can come up with something good to send to America’s Funniest Home Videos.

BELLA: You bastard!

JAMES: Now act scared!

KRISTIN STEWART: *can’t act to save her life... literally*

JAMES: *slams Bella into wall*

BELLA: Ouch, babababa.

JAMES: *breaks Bella’s leg*

BELLA: I want a donut!

CAM: No, seriously. Watch this part. It seriously sounds like she says she wants a donut.

EDWARD: *swoops in and pushes James because that’ll show him*

JAMES: *grabs Edward’s neck and pushes him against a mirror*

EDWARD: At least my hair still looks good.

JAMES: *uses Edward’s head to break mirror*

EDWARD: No! You jerk!

JAMES: *flies through the air after Edward just pushes him again*

EDWARD: Bella, are you okay?

BELLA: Hell no. Explain to me how just pushing our enemy helps.

JAMES: *knocks Bella away from Edward and has an eat to bite*

BELLA: *makes orgasmic faces*

EDWARD: *once again pushes James to the ground*

THE REST OF THE CULLENS: *arrive*

CARLISLE: Edward, what did I tell you about trying to push people to death?

EDWARD: What was I supposed to do?

CARLISLE: Watch Alice.

ALICE: *jumps on James’ back and brutally rips his head off and drinks the blood dripping down his spine and rubs it in all over her face and in her hair*

EDWARD: Yikes.

BELLA: *continues to orgasm*

CARLISLE: Edward, you’re going to have to suck the venom out.

EDWARD: *sucks Bella’s blood*

BELLA: *is on #5 now*

CARLISLE: Alright, stop.

EDWARD: *continues*

CARLISLE: Stop.

EDWARD: *continues*

CARLISLE: STOP!


Cut to Hosmopital

BELLA: *wakes up*

RENEE: Bella?

BELLA: Am I dead?

RENEE: No. Edward says you fell down the stairs.

BELLA: Seriously? All these injuries and no one could think of anything better than "fell down the stairs"?

RENEE: But you have bite marks on your...

BELLA: FELL... DOWN... THE... STAIRS!

RENEE: I’ll go get your dad.

BELLA: Where’s James?

EDWARD: He ded. But don’t worry, we still have Victoria to worry about in the next couple movies. Maybe you should move to Jacksonville.

BELLA: No, no, no. How can you say that!? No! I will never leave your side. You and me are going to be together forever. We’re in it for the long haul now, buddy.

EDWARD: *immediately regrets this decision*


Charlie Swan’s House

CHARLIE: You’re going to prom?

BELLA: Yeah, I totally want to!

CHARLIE: Who are you and what have you done with Bella?


Outside of Prom

EDWARD: BRB.

BELLA: Okay, I’ll just sit here by myself where Victoria could kill me.

JACOB: *appears out of the woods*

BELLA: Hey, Jake. What were you doing in there? And why is your shirt untucked?

JACOB: Just watching you. My dad will be watching you, too. You should break up with that Cullen kid because he’s a douche.

EDWARD: Get away from her, dog!

JACOB: Whatever, douche.


Prom

BELLA: Oh, we’re going to be together forever, Edward! Forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever!

EDWARD: Well, you have to die sometime.

BELLA: No, you will make me a vampire and we’ll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever...

EDWARD: You ready to be a vampire right now?

BELLA: Yes!

EDWARD: Well, too bad! Ha! Now who got burned!?

VICTORIA: You guys both will.


Back at the Ballet Studio, the Owner Comes Back From Her Week Long Vacation in the Bahamas

BALLET STUDIO OWNER: WTF!?


FIN.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

damn this is funny! I love twilight and the books... nevertheless I was busting up! this is awesome!