Wednesday, November 12, 2008

LOST - Pilot Part 2 in D/S

Disclaimer: Lost is one of my favorite shows of all-time and I’ve always enjoyed making fun of some of the odd things that occur on the island. I’ve already written a D/S for Part 1 of the Pilot episode, so I figured I should do one for Part 2. I don’t really plan on doing every episode, but if I receive enough comments, I might be motivated to do more. If there are any errors, please comment. Even if there aren't, comment anyway.





Welcome Back to the Jungle

CHARLIE: Is that transceiver working yet?

JACK: If you don’t stop asking me that, I will turn this island around right now, young man!

KATE: What were you doing in the bathroom Charlie?

CHARLIE: Rubbing one out.

KATE: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call rolling up a doobie "rubbing one out".

KATE: Oh, well then that’s okay then.


Previously on Oceanic Flight 815

CHARLIE: *nervously taps his ring against his armrest and wishes he could rub one out right now*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is there anything I can get you, sir?

CHARLIE: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me!?!?

CHARLIE: Oh, no. You see... in England, we call shooting heroin up really fast a "quickie".

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Whatever, fag.

CHARLIE: Now why in bloody hell would someone call me a cigarette? *gets up to use the bathroom drugs*

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: I need to use the restroom!

CHARLIE: Just a minute!

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: If you don’t open this door right now, I’m going to sh*t my knee-length skirt!

CHARLIE: *hides drugs and gets out*

PLANE: *shakes*

CHARLIE: Hmmm... must be the drugs kicking in.


The Beach (Not the Leo One)

BOONE: Help us sort clothes, Shannon.

SHANNON: Does that require me doing anything besides laying here getting a tan?

BOONE: *walks away*

CLAIRE: Is that your boyfriend?

SHANNON: Close. He’s my brother.

CLAIRE: Your stomach is hot.

SHANNON: Thanks. I throw up three times a day for it.

CLAIRE: Me too, except I do it because of this baby.

SHANNON: Boy or girl?

CLAIRE: Duh, I’m a girl. I’m pregnant.

SHANNON: *thought she was supposed to be the stupid one*


Tide Pools

MICHAEL: WALT!?

SUN: [korean] Is that all you ever say? [/korean]

MICHAEL: Walt! Walt!

WALT: Chill, pops. I was looking for Vincent.


Back at the Beach (Still Not the Leo One)

SAWYER: That terrorist caused the plane crash!

SAYID: Well, yes, I was planning on blowing up the plane, but something beat me to it. I swear.

SAWYER AND SAYID: *man-wrestle*

KATE: This is hot.

SHANNON: This is hot.

HURLEY: I’m hungry.

SAWYER: Shut up, lardo!

KATE: We found a transceiver.

SAYID: I can fix it, but I need time. Just long enough to show how this island is really creepy.

HURLEY: How do you know how to fix it?

SAYID: I was in charge of constructing bombs back in Iraq.

HURLEY: Let’s be friends.


Later at the Beach

KATE: *takes a sexy bath*

SUN: [korean] That Mexican over there wants you. [/korean]

KATE: *walks over to Sayid* Is the radio working?

SAYID: Yes, I’ve installed the detonator, so we should be able to get a signal from that tall mountain.


Over by Jack

KATE: Is the marshal dead yet?

JACK: He’s still pulling through.

KATE: I’m going on a hike.

JACK: Seriously? Do you even remember what happened in that jungle?

KATE: If I see the dinosaur, I’ll just run, Forrest, run.

JACK: lol, k.


Same Beach, Different Scene

JIN: *offers Hurley some urchin*

HURLEY: Dude. I’m fat, but I’m not that fat.

WALT: *reads a Spanish comic book with a polar bear on it*

FORESHADOW: What have we here?

MICHAEL: Do you know Spanish?

WALT: No.

MICHAEL: English no, or Spanish no?

WALT: ...

MICHAEL: We’ll get a new dog when we get off this island.

JACK: Hey, fatty.

HURLEY: ?

JACK: Help me find drugs.

CHARLIE: You can’t have them!

JACK: *looks at Charlie with narrow eyes*


Over By the Incest Twins

BOONE: What’s wrong?

SHANNON: I just realized something terrible.

BOONE: What’s that?

SHANNON: I left my raspberry lemonade lip balm in Australia.

BOONE: You’re so dumb.

SHANNON: Shut up. I’m going on the hike. I might find some good moisturizer.

BOONE: I think the Iraqi is already taken.

SHANNON: Kate, let me go with you on the hike.

KATE: No kids allowed.

SHANNON: I’m really good with plot points.

KATE: You’re hired.

CHARLIE: I’m really good with needle points.

KATE: You’re hired, too.


The Island Knife Store

MICHAEL: Are you also looking for Walt?

JACK: No, a knife. Who’s Walt?

MICHAEL: My son. He’s mad because his dog is lost.

JACK: Um... aren’t we sort of... all... lost?

MICHAEL: Yeah, but we haven’t seen our dog since the crash.

JACK: A lab?

MICHAEL: Yes!

JACK: I saw him in the jungle after the crash.

MICHAEL: Why the hell didn’t you grab him!?

JACK: I was sort of saving lives.

LOCKE: *plays backgammon by himself because that's what anyone would do if they suddenly got back the ability to use their legs*

WALT: Is this game like rolling dice in the alley?

LOCKE: Sort of, but there are these white and black pieces, too. Do you want to know a secret?

WALT: *suddenly realizes that he needs an adult*

JIN: *offers Claire some urchin*

CLAIRE: *eats it* Tastes like chicken.

CLAIRE’S BABY: *moves*

CLAIRE: It’s a boy!

JIN: [korean] I really need to learn English. [/korean]


In a Clearing in the Jungle

SAWYER: Try the radio now.

SAYID: [whine] But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters! [/whine]

SOMETHING: *growls and moves closer*

EVERYBODY EXCEPT SAWYER: *runs*

SAWYER: *shoots polar bear*

BOONE: Is that the monster that’s been making that noise all this time?

CHARLIE: When is the last time you saw a polar bear knock down fifty trees?

BOONE: When’s the last time you saw black smoke knock down fifty trees?

CHARLIE: Touché.


Island General Hospital

JACK: So, I’m going to take this piece of shrapnel out of the marshal. Can you help me?

HURLEY: I’m not so good around blood.

JACK: How do you like your steaks?

HURLEY: Rare.

JACK: Then, just think of it as a really bloody rare steak.

HURLEY: No can do, Doc. Need some A1 steak sauce first.


Back with the Exploring Group

KATE: Where did this polar bear come from?

SAWYER: Probably bear village.

CAM: He’s more right than he thinks he is.

KATE: Where did you get the gun from?

SAWYER: From a marshal that was on our plane.

SHANNON: There was a Marshalls on the plane!?

EVERYONE ELSE: ...

SAYID: How did you know there was a marshal on the plane? Maybe you were the person in his custody.

SAWYER: Well that may be, but at least I’m not the terrorist who took our plane down.

SAYID: MUHAMMAH JIHAD! *attacks Sawyer*

KATE: *steals gun and disassembles it*

SAWYER: *grabs Kate’s arm* I know your ways.


Flashback to Kate’s Ways

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Can I get you a refill?

KATE: No, thanks.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: You, sir. Can I get you anything?

MARSHAL: How about a quickie?

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Are you also from England?

MARSHAL: No, I’m just really horny.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *walks away disgusted*

MARSHAL: *looks at Kate* Don’t worry, she wasn’t my type anyway.

KATE: Nice?

MARSHAL: White.

KATE: Can you do me a favor when we get back to America?

PLANE: *splits apart*

KATE: Nevermind!


Jack at Marshal’s

MARSHAL: Where’s the girl!?!?

JACK: A name would help.


Groupies

SAYID: *turns on transceiver*

SAWYER: So now you’re going to try.

SAYID: We’ve got one bar!

BOONE: Must be the Verizon network.

SAYID: I’m getting feedback.

CHARLIE: Did someone not do a mic check?

SAYID: Something must already be transmitting.

KATE: Can we listen to it?

SAYID: Let me find the frequency.

TRANSCEIVER: Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.

CHARLIE: The French are coming!

BOONE: That’s what that smell is.

KATE: What is it saying?

BOONE: Shannon, you speak French. Tell us.

SHANNON: It’s repeating over and over again that there was "sh*t everywhere. Just everywhere. No matter where you looked, there was her sh*t. I mean, sh*t. Sh*t on the walls, sh*t on the floor, sh*t in her mouth. Even sh*t on her sh*t."

SAYID: According to my calculations, this message has been playing for over 16 years.

BOONE: That’s a lot of sh*t. What if we all end up in our own sh*t?

CHARLIE: Well, hopefully we’ll be off this island tomorrow...


FIN.

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